Snape In Love
by rickfan37
Summary: COMPLETE! When Ella sees Severus Snape again she remembers the humiliation of their last encounter, but as their romance is rekindled, she realises they were meant to be together. Life isn't always that simple, however...A passionate story of redemption.
1. 1Dry Land 2Nobody Can Deny That There's...

Snape In Love **By Rickfan37****** Chapter 1

Dry Land

In all the time that I've known you   
You've been so edgy and nervous   
I never wanted to own you

I was aware of the danger of making a bid for your favours   
You're such a natural stranger, I made excuses and ran

You're an island but I can't leave you all out at sea   
You're so violent with your silence   
You're an island, I can't sleep, won't you speak to me   
I'm on dry land, won't you help me please

In all the time that I've known you   
There has been something between us   
I don't think it's my imagination

I felt like I couldn't touch you, but I had the feeling you'd love to   
Tell me the truth if you could do, I made excuses and ran

You're an island but I can't leave you all out at sea   
You're so violent with your silence  
You're an island, I can't sleep, won't you speak to me  
I'm on dry land, won't you help me please

( Steve Hogarth- Marillion)

He was standing, still, darkened by a shaft of sunlight, when I saw him again. Frowning into the middle distance, he resembled some strange black prism, which diffracted that beam of late summer sun into a myriad of colourful motes that danced and bobbed around it unheeded. Those brightly hued witches and wizards who bustled up and down Diagon Alley skirted an invisible perimeter around him, seemingly unconscious of his presence. How I wished that I could share their blindness, but even after all this time, his presence still sent shivers down my spine.

Shielding my eyes against the glare of the day, I noticed him only when halfway down the steps of Gringott's bank, and I stopped, suddenly unable to move, my breath catching in my throat. I watched him for a few seconds that seemed to stretch to an eternity, until suddenly, his robes billowing black behind him, he strode purposefully in the direction of his gaze, down into Knockturn Alley and out of sight. 

I sank on to the steps, and buried my face in my hands. I was dizzy and suddenly short of breath, and knew it was not just because of the bumpy rollercoaster ride to my family's vault. I sat there cursing myself for my weakness. How could I let him affect me like this, after so many months of trying to persuade myself that I didn't care?

My lack of composure did not go unnoticed. A large pair of hobnail boots came to a halt in front of me, and a concerned, rather gravelly voice said,

"'Ave you 'ad a nasty turn, dearie?" The boots and the voice belonged to a small, round magenta-clad witch and she continued, "Ere, Esme, them goblins in there 'ave been upsettin' this poor lass!" calling over her shoulder to a tall, stern looking witch in staid grey robes.

"Oh, no, really, it wasn't the goblins, I'm fine!" I protested feebly as I stood up. " I think I just need to sit down for a while."

"Hmph!" snorted the tall witch unsympathetically, obviously seeing in me a shoddy example of modern witch-hood. The small one rolled her eyes, and linked my arm in hers. 

"Come on, I'll get yer settled at a nice table outside Florian Fortescue's, you can 'ave an ice cream and watch the world go by!"

I followed compliantly, my stomach churning and my head swimming with unanswerable questions. Why here? Why now? Where had he been? Why wasn't I over him?

The small witch was all for joining me and ordering the biggest Knickerbocker Glory on the menu (guffawing inexplicably at its name) but her friend's disapproving "Nanny, we must make haste, we will be late to the theatre!" was commanding enough to ensure that "Nanny" hobbled off down the Alley after her friend, after giving me a friendly pat on the shoulder.

I sighed and leant back in my seat. The shop shaded it, and the cool breeze too was a welcome relief. I still felt too nauseous for the ice cream, and I toyed with it idly before pushing it away with a sigh. From my vantage point I could see the entrance to Knockturn Alley. If he emerged, I would surely see him. I was filled with longing and dread in equal measure and I despised myself for both these emotions. He had no right to make me feel this way, and I had no right even to harbour such feelings, since I was sure that he had never truly felt for me anything but contempt. I remembered all our previous encounters and felt myself flush. The last time I had seen him, he had been so unbearably cold!

                   ********************************************

After losing my parents and sister at Voldemort's hands, when I was twenty, I had drifted for years. The increased freedom that was a direct result of Voldemort's downfall only a few weeks after their deaths had meant that I could assuage my otherwise unbearable grief by travelling, and thus I had spent a decade and a half crossing continents over and over, settling in one place only to move on again when life became too comfortable. I had spent most of my time with Muggles, since their world was somewhere I could feel closer to my mother, and where my talents for languages and history enabled me to find short-term employment as an archivist in libraries, museums and galleries across the world. However, I had never once gone back to my family home, nor had I ever felt the need to retrieve my possessions from storage, where everything had been hidden away after the house had been sold for me.

Consequently, I had been approached to go to work in the Hogwarts library the previous year, under the watchful eye of Madam Pince, to catalogue and cross-reference some Muggle books and documents relating to their version of potion making. I was in fact to spend a term each at Hogwarts, Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. Professor Severus Snape had not approved, evidently, since he saw little value in Muggle scientific endeavours, and so I admit that we had been bound to get off on the wrong foot.

I had settled in well, after only two weeks at Hogwarts. It was my old school, and since my family had been poisoned I supposed it was now the closest thing I had to a home. I was made welcome by the staff and my rooms in the basement of the hospital wing were spacious and comfortable, comprising a large bedroom with windows overlooking the grounds, and a well-appointed bathroom. 

Each morning I would take a short cut across the lawn to the main school, where I would breakfast in the Great Hall at the staff table before heading off to the library. Each morning, I would look across the Hall to the empty seat reserved for the potions master who, Madam Pince had informed me, was on "an errand of great importance" for the Headmaster, and who had been gone since July. I was looking forward to a possible collaboration with him during my tenure there, I had told her, and had been mildly surprised at her amused reaction. 

However, having gone on to hear much about his demeanour and the fear he instilled in his students from other members of the faculty, and since my own area of interest as far as the wizarding world was concerned was potions, his reputation intrigued me greatly, and so for many reasons the empty chair held no small fascination for me as I speculated on the whereabouts of its erstwhile occupant.

I did not need to speculate long. One morning I breezed in to the Great Hall as usual and, taking my place next to Madam Pince, looked over and saw that he had returned. I had never even seen so much as a picture of him before in my life, but there was an indefinable familiarity about him and I found myself stunned into an uncharacteristic silence as I gazed at him. 

There was a quality of darkness about him, an absence of warmth, as if the light in the room illuminated him superficially but shrank from intimacy. His appearance fascinated me. He was clad all in black, and the contrast between his clothes, hair and eyes and the paleness of his skin served to echo what evidence I had gleaned from others about the co-existent intensity and aloofness of the inner man. I had never seen someone so ill at ease with his colleagues, someone so alone. Flanked by Professors Black and Lupin, and studiously ignoring both, he ate ravenously and I wondered again what had been his mission, and its dangers. I knew that he had been one of Voldemort's Death Eaters about 16 years before, at around the same time as my parents and baby sister had been killed, and since my arrival at Hogwarts I had heard staff room gossip that he had been in touch with Voldemort for many years, while remaining loyal to Dumbledore, and working as a covert agent for the Ministry against the Dark Lord. 

He caught me staring at him, and I flushed, yet could not look away. His eyes were shards of black ice and they held mine in thrall for immeasurable moments, until he scowled unpleasantly, pushed back his chair abruptly, rose, and swept from the Hall without a word to anyone. After he had gone I realised that I had been holding my breath for some time, and I gasped as I tried to collect myself. His presence remained in the room long after he had gone, however, and I wondered what my reaction would be were I to encounter him face to face, as I knew I must. 

Later that morning, he swept into the library and strode past me into the Restricted section without a glance. Some time later, he called out impatiently, 

"Madam Pince! Where is the encyclopaedia of Muggle Potente Potions? It is not in its usual place, I need it now! If not sooner!"

I had never heard a voice so mesmerising, so commanding. Once more my breath caught in my throat and I could not move as his mellifluous baritone washed over me. I took a deep breath at last and replied to his request in a poor approximation of my usual confident tone.

"Er... Professor Snape, it's here, I was using it," I ventured meekly. Slow footsteps advanced along the aisle and the skin at the back of my neck began to tingle as I heard a silken voice say,

"And who might _you_ be, to be looking at such an arcane text? You _are_ aware of what it contains, aren't you?"

There was such menace in his voice, and such promise, and I could not help but feel that to be torn to shreds verbally by that wonderful sound would not be without its pleasures.

"I am using it to cross-reference entries in these Muggle books," I replied, trying not to sound as intimidated as I felt. "And it isn't entirely accurate, Muggles have developed –"

"Pah! A waste of time, and it's a poor excuse for keeping me from my work!" he interrupted rudely, obviously not in the least bit interested in my opinion. "Give it to me, woman, I have matters of great importance to attend to." 

The icy water of his rudeness jolted me from my stupor, dousing me so thoroughly that I drew myself up to my full height and raised my chin in order to look him directly in the eye.

"Certainly, Professor, I should have finished _amending it_ by lunchtime" I bristled, "I'll bring it to your dungeon."

His eyes widened and I got the distinct impression that my newly revealed assertiveness had taken him by surprise. He recovered himself quickly, however, and with a snarl in his voice and a glower on his face, he replied, 

"Be sure that you do", before turning on his heel and leaving me alone.

"So, that's what it feels like to be on the receiving end of  Snape's legendary harsh tongue," I thought to myself. "And soon I shall be able to observe the creature in its natural habitat." The prospect intrigued me to a slightly greater degree than it alarmed me. I was to regret that the latter feeling had not taken precedence.

Chapter 2

Nobody Can Deny That There's Something There

**__**

The walk from the library to the dungeons was a long one, giving me plenty of opportunity to dwell on his possible mood following our last encounter. My route was hampered by the constantly shifting staircases, whose grinding alterations forced me to take several detours. By the time I reached the Entrance Hall, where there remained only one more staircase to go, I was breathless and flushed. I paused to catch my breath but even though my breathing slowed I was uncomfortably aware of the blood rushing through my ears and the palpitations of my heart. At least this final staircase could not shift, I thought grimly as I advanced on it with renewed vigour, since it was built into the foundations of the castle and hewn from the rock, held still by walls on both sides.

The corridors leading to the potions classroom were cool, and lit only dimly. Sconces were plentiful, and regularly spaced, but their flames, which burst into life sequentially as I approached, failed to assuage my apprehension, which had been growing exponentially with my descent. By the time I reached the potions classroom I was even more flushed. I felt ridiculously nervous and berated myself for it. Potions had been one of my favourite subjects at school, and I had never been nervous walking along those eerie corridors before, since I knew the classroom at their end was always flooded with slanting light, which gained entry to the bowels of the castle by way of four large Gothic-arched windows, overlooking the lake. Consequently I had to admit to myself that my agitation centred not on the lair, but on the dragon within. 

Taking a deep breath I entered the empty classroom and walked briskly to Snape's desk. I left the book there and was turning to leave when a hidden door, presumably to his office and private rooms, swung open and Professor Snape emerged, sweeping over to me.

"At last!" he said, picking up the volume and turning back to his office without even acknowledging my presence.

"You're welcome!" I muttered, angered by his rudeness. He halted, turned around and regarded me coldly.

"Ah. Yes, _thank you_ for keeping me from my work all morning. I _do_ so appreciate your kind efforts. Now please leave." His eyes glittered black, and bored into mine, daring me to respond. I opened my mouth, but no words came. I caught a flash of triumph in his eyes, before he turned and was gone. I glared at the concealed doorway, now closed again, and berated myself for my weakness.

 I was still fuming by the time I reached the entrance hall and when someone called out my name I whirled round, snarling

"_What_?" to find Professor Lupin looking at me quizzically.

"I see you've been down in the dungeons," he noted.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Professor Lupin, I thought you were somebody else!" I stuttered, embarrassed. 

"No prizes for guessing who, I don't suppose?" he smiled. "You look like you need some fresh air, to cool off! Fancy a walk?"

Realising that he had not taken offence, I nodded, and we went out through the great oak doors on to the front lawn.

"How are you finding life here at Hogwarts?" he asked as we walked.

"It's great to be back," I replied, sincerely. "I loved my school years here, and things haven't changed that much in twenty years. People are very friendly. Well, most people."

Lupin laughed. "Good old Severus. Always such a charmer!"

We walked in the grounds for an hour or so, easy in one another's company. We reminisced about our schooldays, and although Lupin and his friends had left the year before I'd started there, his recollections were so colourful that I could almost see him, with his friends James, Sirius and Peter, running along the path to Herbology, or flopping into the snow after a snowball fight.

Snape had been in the same year, and Lupin painted a picture of an aloof, lonely young man whose sarcasm and impatience won him no friends.

"Except for Lily," Lupin remembered wistfully, his soft blue eyes clouding for a moment.

"Lily Potter?" I asked, incredulous.

"Oh yes," said Lupin, "but she dumped him for James. Made him even more anti-social, if that's possible. Sent him off the rails for a couple of years after, too…" he mused.

"It's scary, isn't it, what love can do," I observed.

"Yes, and I can't say I'm surprised, in his case. I think we were all a little in love with Lily. Anyway," he went on, brightening, "the best man won! James was the best friend anyone could have, and Harry looks so much like him, you know. I think that's one of the reasons Snape finds it so easy to give him a hard time."

"Hmph!" I snorted. "So what's his excuse for being rude to the rest of us?"

Lupin laughed, "Oh, you'll get used to it!"

We had made a leisurely circuit of the formal lawns as we had talked, and as we entered the rose walk we came across a large black dog, who had been too distracted by the many and varied interesting scents therein to pay us much heed until we were nearly upon him. I was not terribly taken aback when the dog barked happily and transfigured before my eyes into Professor Sirius Black, and noted with interest that he stood easily a head taller than either Lupin or me, probably almost as tall as Professor Snape. I felt a most unwelcome tugging sensation in the pit of my stomach as I remembered Snape's eyes, and made myself a mental note to put the wretched man out of my mind. Professor Black was an extremely attractive man, smiling broadly as he shook my outstretched hand while Lupin introduced us properly.

"Delighted to meet you, Miss Redemte! I've seen you at mealtimes, kept meaning to visit the library and make your acquaintance, but, well…"

"What he _means_ is, he's always had an aversion to the library, and anything that smacks of studying! It started at around age eleven, if my memory serves me…"

Black thumped Lupin on the arm good-naturedly and I laughed uncertainly.

"Not a very good example to set to your students, Professor?"

"Ah, well, I influence them by the sheer force of my personality!" he laughed, and Lupin rolled his eyes. I giggled but found myself thinking of another tall, dark, strikingly attractive Professor whose personality, while very different, was just as powerful.

Lupin, Black and I were all laughing together like old friends by the time we had strolled back to the main doors of the school. As we went up the steps, Professor Snape was on his way out through the great oak doors, and he scowled at each of us in turn as he swept past. Lupin looked at me and shrugged, and I tried not to giggle. As he strode down the steps behind us, however, I couldn't stop myself from turning to watch him go. He wore black from top to toe, and made no concession to the late summer sunshine, I noticed, watching the way his black cloak billowed out behind him in his wake, revealing long legs which drew my eye almost as enticingly as the way the light breeze blew back his long, blue-black hair. Musing on why he felt the need to button himself up so comprehensively on such a sultry afternoon, I was oblivious to Professor Black's words.

"So, what do you say, Ella?"

"Sorry, er, what?" I turned back to my companions, flustered and confused.

"Tomorrow night! Will you join Remus and me at the Three Broomsticks?"

"Oh! Yes, I'd love to, thanks!" I smiled sincerely, eager to further my acquaintance with both of them, and to have something to take my mind off their bad-tempered colleague.

Lupin and Black advised me to dress down for our visit to the Three Broomsticks, where the atmosphere on a Friday was always very informal. I wore Muggle dress; tight, faded jeans and a low cut long sleeved black sweater. I noticed that Lupin's casual attire was no less scruffy than his rather threadbare teaching robes, and he looked endearingly dishevelled. Sirius Black, on the other hand, appeared to be dressed to impress, in a baggy white shirt and tight leather trousers with a laced up fly. I wondered, noting the bar staff's reaction to our entrance, how many of them had had the pleasure of unlacing those trousers with their teeth, and grinned wryly at the mental image. 

The atmosphere in the pub was intimate, despite the noise and the bustle, and we could converse easily and without interruption. We quickly drank several pints each of foaming butterbeer, and quickly progressed to shorts and raucous laughter as the evening wore on. I was on my way back from the cloakroom, flushed and still smiling at one of Sirius' jokes, when I saw Snape. I stopped in my tracks in order to study him before he noticed I was there. He intrigued me, and I could not deny it. He was sitting at the bar, his cloak wet and steaming due to the change in temperature from the cool autumn evening outside and the warmth within, and even though he had had his back to me and I had thought myself unobserved, his back straightened as I approached and he turned his head, saying sardonically,

"I have been able to form two opinions about you so far, Miss Redemte."

"Only two?" I noted, tossing back my hair and trying to add a note of insouciance to my trembling voice. He swung round on his stool until he was facing me and his lip curled in a sneer as he continued,

"One, you make a habit of staring at people when you believe yourself to be unobserved and two, I see you're not fussy about the type of company you keep."

"No, not at all," I countered swiftly, wincing inwardly at the accuracy of his first comment and choosing to ignore it, "and that's why I'd like to ask _you_ to join us, Professor Snape!"

Jet black eyes bored deep into me, and then with another disdainful curl of his lip he turned back to his whisky. I returned to my place, but was far too aware of Snape's brooding presence to be able to join in the conversation as enthusiastically as before. He sat at the bar, hunched over his drink like a huge black raven, glowering at us, and I wished that the cut of my jeans did not provoke such a telling reminder of the powerfully erotic effect he was having on me every time I shifted in my seat.

Eventually, I went to the bar for another round, and, deliberately going to stand next to him, said, 

"The invitation still stands, Professor. You do seem to find our conversation of interest."

"You're mistaken. I would prefer to drink alone."

Emboldened by the quantity of alcohol I had drunk, I said, 

"Then why are you staring? Are you trying to make me feel uncomfortable?"

He looked me up and down, slowly, and I felt suddenly exposed and vulnerable, my body shivering with gooseflesh as if he was tracing with his long, tapering fingers the route followed by his piercing obsidian eyes. When they met mine once more, I blushed, and yet couldn't look away.

Instead of answering, he drained his glass and, with a lingering look at me, rose and swept out of the bar. I watched him leave, and then returned to my seat with a sigh, disappointed. Lupin and Black looked at one another, then at me, with raised eyebrows.

"There's just something about him!" I shrugged, helplessly.

Later, I lay on my bed looking out at the stars as they lay like millions of diamonds on the bible black velvet of the night sky, and since sleep eluded me, relived my recent encounters with Snape. His rudeness angered me, and yet I found myself eager to see him again. I reached under my bed and pulled out of a small storage box my copy of the Hogwarts prospectus. I leafed through it until I came to the staff list, which consisted of a small photograph and brief resume of each member of the faculty. I scanned it quickly, all the pictures smiling and waving at me. Except for his. His was brooding, motionless save for the occasional toss of his hair, and his eyes bored in to mine just as they had done on all our encounters so far.

I shivered, and could almost feel his presence in the room with me. I could not take my eyes from his, nor did I want to. I felt a tugging sensation deep inside me, deeper than in the pit of my stomach, and I could not deny the way my body was betraying me. Despite his arrogance, and the distinct lack of promise evinced in our encounters so far, I wanted him, and the realisation kept me awake for the rest of the night.

His chair was empty the following morning at breakfast, and again at lunch. By late afternoon I was no longer able to concentrate on my work, such was my desire to see him again. My agitation was so strong, and so unexpected, and my interest in him so obviously discouraged and unreciprocated yet, in spite of it all, simply undeniable. He was a black hole of a man, mysterious and light years distant from me, but his gravitational pull was completely irresistible. I neither knew nor cared how he saw me; his disapprobation would make no difference to me anyway. 

I had not the nerve to seek him out, so I decided a brief walk down by the lake might distract me. The day was warm, and the lakeside busy with late-summer midges and drowsy wasps, so after a while I decided to head for the relative shade at the edge of the forest, which looked dark and cool, and inviting.

I had not ventured in far, however, when I spotted a dark shape a little further in, moving slowly and stooping to pick up fungi from the forest floor. It was Snape, and I felt a lurch of excitement in my stomach. I stepped forward, meaning to engage him in conversation, but instead I caught my foot in a tree root and fell, twisting my ankle badly. I shouted out in pain, and then felt a sharp stinging sensation in the arm, which had broken my fall. Looking down, I saw a small snake slithering away into the undergrowth. I heard an impatient voice call, 

"What're you doing in here, don't you know the Forbidden Forest is out of bounds to stu-….oh, it's you!" He leaned over me, his hair falling into his face, and everything went black.

When I came to, I was in his arms, and he was carrying me up to the school, looking straight ahead. I felt his strong arms around my back and my thighs, and the broadness of his chest against my side. My arm was snaked around his neck, and his long hair tickled my bare skin as he moved. My head was swimming, and I could not tell whether it was a reaction to his closeness, or simply the snake venom. Either way, I was lucid enough to feel grateful that he had spared me the indignity of using the Mobilicorpus spell to return me to the castle.

"What's happening?" I asked weakly.

"I'm in the process of saving your life, you silly girl!" he snapped. "You've been bitten by a snake and it needs immediate attention. I have a remedy in my office. You're very fortunate that I was nearby!"

"Thank you," I murmured, and was rewarded by a short glance from unreadable eyes.

By the time we reached the dungeons, I was sweating and shivering, my vision blurred. I believe I passed out again, for when I awoke I was lying on a large oaken bed with crisp white sheets, a green chenille counterpane and heavy green velvet drapes at each corner. Light streamed through the window, silhouetting a tall black figure, which approached the bed as I turned my head to look at it.

Suddenly, his face was inches from mine, his breath hot on my cheeks, his hand on my forehead as he looked into my eyes. My heart leapt, but he immediately withdrew, and, turning from me, said,

"You see, Poppy, she's much better. Her fever has broken and her eyes seem clear now."

Madam Pomfrey was at the foot of the bed, and replied,

"Well, I would still have preferred it if you'd brought her directly to me, Severus. She'd be far better off in the hospital wing under _my _care."

"There was no time, Poppy! You can see that, surely?" he retorted, in a far more animated tone than I had ever heard from him. 

"But Severus, this is your _bedroom_…"

"What, do you expect that I will take advantage of her fragile state and _seduce_ her?"

(Oh, yes please, I thought)

"People will talk!" Madam Pomfrey countered. 

"As if I care!" he replied.

"Oh, very well, Severus. I'll leave her in your capable hands. _Do_ let me know if I can be of any assistance!" And with that pointed remark, she left the room.

My mind was in turmoil, and I feigned sleep as I considered my situation. Snape had taken me to his chambers, placed me in his bed, and watched over me himself. There would seem to be no reason, now the crisis had passed, to refuse to transfer me to Madam Pomfrey's care, in the hospital wing, and I wondered why he was allowing me to remain in his inner sanctum. I smiled to myself. Perhaps I had found a chink in his armour, and should capitalise on that, if I could.

I opened my eyes to the sudden darkening of my eyelids, which alerted me to his presence. He looked down at me and said,

"You are much improved."

"Thank you," I said, groaning inwardly when I immediately realised that his words had been meant as a comment on my health, not my appearance. I tried to sit up, and he leant over me, his hands gripping my waist as he helped me to a more upright position. Despite my fragile state, I was thrillingly aware of how his hands felt through my thin nightgown. I felt weak with desire for him and moaned involuntarily. He withdrew, saying 

"Are you in pain?"

"No" I breathed.

 He looked at me curiously and crossed to a small table under the window on which stood a pewter goblet and a large jug of iced water. He poured some out, and added the contents of a small vial, which he removed from his robes.

"What is that?" I asked as he brought it to me.

"It's a restorative tonic I have made. Drink it," he said shortly. I concurred, my eyes never leaving his face, and though it tasted foul I made no complaint. He seemed satisfied, and strode out of the room, closing the door behind him.

 As the potion took effect I was aware of a pleasant tingling sensation, which began in the pit of my stomach and spread quickly throughout my entire body. It was like butterfly kisses all over me at once, inside and out, and I wondered, as it lulled me into sleep, whether he knew of its effect, whether he had indeed designed it that way? He was indeed a very talented man, I decided, and I drifted away with the name "Severus..." on my lips.


	2. 3Something Waiting To Happen 4Every Tim...

Chapter 3

Something Waiting To Happen

I awoke several times during that night, sometimes delirious, sometimes breaking out in cold sweats and shaking, sometimes quite lucid. Each time it seemed as if he had been there, watching over me, for he was always ready with another goblet of the potion, which I drank greedily. He would lift me bodily, with his arm around my back and his shoulder supporting my head as he helped me to drink, then he would mutter a charm to refresh my pillows before laying me back down and applying a cool flannel to my head and neck. In my more rational moments I would not say a word save for in answer to his peremptory questions about my condition; but sometimes I would hear myself moaning and muttering unintelligibly and he would murmur softly to me as he tended to me.

Finally I awoke to find that it was late morning, and I was alone. I felt refreshed, and eager to take a closer look at my surroundings. Apart from the impressive four poster bed, which was carved out with an intricate design of leaves and plants, the room contained a large escritoire, a dresser and wardrobe all to match. An enormous fireplace dominated one wall, with a well-used brown leather armchair at the side. A matching footstool sat on a large white fur rug before the fire. 

I was pleasantly surprised at the comfort of the room, which seemed to be at odds with his ascetic reputation. The implication that he did, indeed, desire material comforts heartened me, and strengthened my new-found resolve to discover what other desires he might have. His attentiveness had shattered completely my already crumbling resolve to put him out of my mind. I now realised that I could no more do that than deliberately make my heart cease its beating.

I got out of his bed and dressed, wondering who had changed me into my nightgown, gingerly putting weight on my twisted ankle, and hobbled over to his chair. As I sat I could feel the imprint of his body in the old leather, moulded over the years to the contours of his legs and back. I sighed and closed my eyes, my senses in overload as I sank into his shape, breathing in the scent of him that lingered on the scuffed leather. There was more to him, far more, than his reputation allowed, and I was determined to discover it. As I shifted position slightly, I noticed how my body had betrayed me in its reaction to his nearness, and I smiled to myself. How I desired him!

I was soon brought back down to earth when he re-entered the room.

"Ah, you are up. And you can walk, evidently." His froideur had returned, I noticed, now that I no longer appeared to need his care.

"Er…yes, with some difficulty" I admitted with a small smile which was not returned.

"You will want to go back to your own rooms now," he averred. "Let me help you to your feet. I'll take you back. We wouldn't want you to have another accident on the way, now, would we?" he added sarcastically.

 I stood with difficulty, not least because of his proximity, and found myself standing not inches from him, my hand on his chest as I sought balance, my breasts brushing against the rough fabric-covered buttons of his frock coat through my thin blouse. I swallowed nervously as my nipples rose to hard peaks, and looked up into his fathomless black eyes. He looked at me intently for a moment, before looking away, and, taking a step back, broke all bodily contact between us save for that of his left hand under my arm. Supporting my weight, he led me slowly through to his office, where Madam Pomfrey had thoughtfully left me a crutch in readiness for this eventuality.

 We walked to my door in silence, and once safely there, he turned on his heel, saying,

"I have a lot to do. You've kept me from my work." Before I could thank him, he was gone, his determined footfalls echoing back to me as he strode away. I leant against the doorjamb, and sighed. Getting through to him was not going to be easy and yet…I imagined that I had seen a flicker of desire in his eyes. Unless it was simply a reflection of my own.

                      **************************************************

Ah, such memories. Without warning, I was snapped out of my reverie at the sound of a familiar and still beloved voice.

"You never cease to surprise me. I would not have expected your…_tastes_… to extend to such a frivolous confection as that," he said dryly, casting an ironic glance and a raised eyebrow at the melted ice cream. My tone matching his, I succeeded in keeping a tremor from my voice as I replied,

"I didn't think you were interested in my…._tastes_… Professor Snape."

I was shaken to the core by his sudden appearance at my side, and tried to compose myself as he took a seat opposite me. His eyes glittered, but he made no reply.

"Do join me, won't you?" I commented acidly, wanting to take control of the conversation, since it now appeared that there would be one whether I wished for it or not.

"Have you been well?" he enquired.

"I have been busy," I countered.
    
    "That isn't what I asked"

I looked at him levelly. "And you? What brings you here today?" I asked.

"I had…business to attend to. Supplies to buy."

"You were following someone," I said, matter-of-factly. His eyes flashed angrily.

"Don't be so indiscreet!" he hissed. "Anyone could be listening!"

I remained impassive. I did not want to feel intimidated by him. He sighed heavily and leaned forward, speaking urgently in an undertone:

"I have taken a room at the Leaky Cauldron. Join me there in half an hour."

I threw back my head and laughed at his sheer gall.

"What?" he asked, affronted.

"You must think I'm mad!" I said, incredulously. "I can remember the _last_ time I was alone with you! What on _earth_ makes you think I wish to repeat the experience?"

His eyes were suddenly full of pain.

"Because this time, I can explain. Please."

And with that he stood, gave me a searching look, and was gone.

I slumped back in my seat, perplexed and trembling. My heart wanted me to race after him and do his bidding, no matter the cost to my pride. My head urged caution, and as I stared at the ice cream melting on my plate, my mind in turmoil, I went over the events that had led up to my running from his rooms in tears of humiliation over 8 months before.

                  ***************************************************

Several weeks had passed before our paths crossed again, and I had to content myself with stealing glances at him across the hall at mealtimes, and gazing at his moving picture in my room, like a lovesick schoolgirl. I fancied that he stole glances back at me, too, but if that was the case he disguised it well. My work suffered, too, as I could not concentrate for long and Madam Pince would often find me standing at the library window, staring at the sky. I simply had no convincing reason to seek out his company. There was no pretext upon which I felt I could engineer a meeting. Since he did not socialise with the other members of the faculty, I could hardly hope for a second encounter at the Three Broomsticks, and his all too infrequent visits to the library were generally of the swift and silent variety.

I feared that my interest in him would be all too obvious to a man of his intelligence, and although I knew he had, by all accounts, eschewed all forms of companionship over the years I was not arrogant enough to conclude that he would therefore welcome my attention. In fact, I felt quite the opposite. He was a fiercely withdrawn creature of habit, I decided, and he would no doubt battle to maintain the impregnability of his self- made fortress.

Six weeks in to the autumn term, on a fine mid-October Saturday, the first Quidditch match of the season was held. The students had talked of nothing else all week, and the seekers of the two teams, Harry Potter from Gryffindor and Draco Malfoy from Slytherin, had been even more openly antagonistic than was apparently their habit.

Sirius and Remus knocked on my door at nine thirty sharp and, grabbing my cloak, we set off across the lawns down to the Quidditch pitch along with the rest of the school. We had stopped at the bottom of the staff stand in which we were to sit, having bumped into Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, Harry Potter's best friends, and I stood politely and a little awkwardly as the two teachers and two students, who were nevertheless far more to each other than just that, laughed and joked excitedly about the match. Looking back towards the school, I saw Snape's swift, solitary approach. He passed our small group with a dark sneer and a sharp glance at me, and I watched him go up the narrow wooden staircase inside the stand two steps at a time. My own ascent a few minutes later was nowhere near as speedy. My heart was in my mouth and I felt stupidly anxious. Where would he be sitting? Would he be nearby? Would I be able to study him? Would he notice me?

I reached the top of the stairs and smoothed my hair in a futile attempt to prevent it from blowing into my face and effectively blindfolding me, and waited for Remus and Sirius to lead the way. The only seats left were next to Professor Snape, and he stood up with ill-disguised irritation to let us pass and take our places on the bench behind him. Sirius and Remus stood back courteously to let me go first, but I demurred, and with a small, knowing smile Remus began to step past Snape, beckoning for Sirius to follow. I came last, holding my breath as I edged past Snape with my back to him, brushing lightly against his chest. He sat down as I took my place between him and Sirius, and I murmured,

"Are you looking forward to the match, Professor Snape?"

I looked up at his noble profile as I spoke, admiring his aquiline nose, full, sensual lips and long dark eyelashes. He was staring fixedly into the middle distance and pursed his lips slightly in response to my question. He only deigned to reply after a pause just long enough to express his unwillingness to enter into a conversation with me, but not quite long enough to be considered impolite.

"It promises to be a tolerably interesting match."

"As long as your team wins?" I ventured lightly.

A raised eyebrow was his only reply, and reluctantly I turned my attention to Sirius who was commenting loudly on how well practised his godson Harry was, since they had spent much of the summer holidays training together. He fell silent once the match had started, and I was able to turn my mind back to the man on my left.

Snape was sitting as still as a statue with his hands on his knees. They were beautiful, with long, elegant fingers and neatly manicured nails. I could make out calluses on his fingers in places, and his hands had several small white scars, whiter still than his own natural skin tone, and were presumably the legacy of years of potion making. His cloak had fallen away to reveal long, lean thighs sheathed in trousers of a heavy black twill, and my body stirred as I contemplated them. I began to daydream, wondering how it would feel to sit closer to him, with my hips pressed against his, our thighs touching, his arm snaking around my shoulders, those long fingers gently caressing my neck.

"Well? Is the…_match_ to your liking, Miss Redemte?"

I started, and looked up guiltily from his upper thigh into inscrutable coal black eyes. His eyebrows were raised and he was looking at me curiously.

"Er…yes, it's fascinating," I replied faintly.

"Evidently."

Our eyes were locked for a long time, and every nerve ending in my body was tingling. Then a roar from the crowd followed by Sirius' elbow nudging my back brought us both back to our senses and Professor Snape and I turned our attention back to the pitch in front of us. Slytherin had scored, putting them into the lead, and Snape's previously expressionless, guarded face now wore a faint smirk as he applauded dutifully. The moment was lost, but something had passed between us. What his true reaction to it was, I had no idea.

The rest of the match passed without any further discourse between us. Despite a commanding lead, Slytherin lost the match when Harry Potter caught the Golden Snitch and secure Gryffindor House a victory by a margin of just twenty points. Sirius and Remus were ecstatic, Snape was impassive. If he was disappointed at the unfortunate reversal of his House's fortune, he did not show it. As we all rose to our feet to leave he turned suddenly, startling me once more, and asked,

"How is your ankle, Miss Redemte?"

"Oh! Much better, thanks. Although," – thinking on my feet and coming up with a possible reason to see him again – "It does still ache a lot…do you have anything that would help, by any chance?"

His eyes narrowed and he looked down at me thoughtfully.

"Yes, I do, as it happens. But nothing you won't be able to get from Madam Pomfrey, at far greater convenience to yourself. I suggest you go to the Infirmary."

Crestfallen, I nevertheless smiled politely and thanked him. He nodded curtly, turned on his heel, and was gone.

I was late for dinner that evening and entered the Great Hall in a rush just as the plates of food appeared on the tables. As I sat down I felt his eyes on me and, looking across the room, saw him staring right at me. My stomach lurched and he did not immediately look away.

I dreamed of him that night. I dreamed of straddling his lap, kissing him wantonly and being kissed in return with a passion born of a desperate need. I woke up with the coppery taste of blood in my mouth where I had bitten my lip in my sleep, and a telltale ache between my thighs that would not give me rest until I rubbed it away.

A few days later, the Headmaster summoned me to his office. I had the notion that I was to be challenged as to why the cataloguing was not yet complete, so was full of apprehension as I said the password, "Uncle Joe's Mintballs" which admitted me to the moving spiral staircase. Inside his office, Dumbledore was waiting for me, his eyes twinkling merrily. 

"Oh, Ella, here you are, here you are! I do hope your ankle is improved? Severus told me you were still in some discomfort."

I was taken aback by his words. Professor Snape had evidently been discussing me with Professor Dumbledore, and since our conversation at the Quidditch match.

"Madam Pomfrey gave me a poultice, which seems to have worked very well," I replied, trying to hide my discomfiture.

"And your snake bite? I take it you are now fully recovered from your ordeal? Very fortuitous that Severus was so close at hand, eh?" 

"Oh, yes." I agreed, flushing slightly and getting the distinct impression that the Headmaster knew more than he ought.

"Well then, well then! I understand your work here is not, perhaps, as stimulating as you would like?"

I demurred, but he continued, "Well, I have decided to make the most of you while you are here! I believe that the Muggle Studies class would do well to learn about the potions and physicks our non-magical friends make do with, and so I would like you to work with Professor Snape and concoct some of the more common ones for us! What do you say, Ella?"

I felt sick with apprehension; delight and dread were in me in equal measure. To be thrown together in such a way was surely no coincidence. I concurred, and Dumbledore told me to go to Snape that evening to draw up a list of all that would be required before we could start.

Professor Snape was not at dinner that evening, and so the opportunity of gauging his mood before our meeting was denied me. I ate quickly and sparingly, my stomach roiling with nervous anticipation. Eager as I was to collaborate with him, and further our acquaintance, my feet nevertheless felt like lead as I descended to the dungeons. I stood outside the classroom door for a few moments to steady my nerve. At length, I felt sufficiently collected to push open the classroom door and step inside. 

It was empty, as I had expected, and I knocked on the door to his office and the private chamber I knew lay beyond. He opened it with a familiar scowl on his striking face.

"I'm sorry, have I come at a bad time?" I asked.

"You've come at the appointed time, I believe. But since I don't consider this forced collaboration to be of any use, either to myself or to the school, then yes, it _is_ a bad time!"

"I'm sorry you feel that way, I was under the misapprehension that this was _your _idea."

"Pah! And why would you think that, Miss Redemte? Potions making is a subtle science and an exact art, and I am more than capable of it. Do you imagine I need to seek out the society of unqualified girls in order to help me with my work?"

"I _imagine_ no such thing when I think of _you_, Severus" I answered with a calmness that I hoped hid the agitation I felt at the deliberately provocative use of his first name. He was taken aback, I could tell, and I awarded myself a point on the mental scorecard that had appeared in my head.

"Oh, and do call me Ella," I continued calmly as I set out my books on his round desk, and sat down at it. There, I was ensconced, and would not be intimidated into leaving. He was silent, and I felt his eyes boring into me. My heart was racing, but inwardly I congratulated myself for successfully concealing my feelings. He sat down beside me at last, stiffly and at too great a distance, and said, "Shall we begin?"

For the next two hours we discussed which remedies would be most useful for the students, and which would be more or less challenging for them to try to reproduce. We compared the properties of popular Muggle and wizarding ingredients, and the control of some of the more potent substances in the Muggle world. His coldness washed away for a time, leaving an earnest, enquiring and highly intelligent man in its wake, and I wondered how many people saw him like this. I felt flattered that he appeared at least to find me a worthy candidate for academic discussion, even if our acquaintance would be based on nothing more. But I hoped fervently that as he began to let me see the machinations of his mind, so he would also show me, in time, the stirrings of his heart.

At last, our work was done for the night, and I rose to leave.

"Will you take a glass of wine before you leave?" he asked, with an awkwardly formal manner that made me smile inwardly.

"I'd like that, thanks."

I followed him across the room to the sideboard, where he stood pouring red wine into two golden goblets. As he passed one to me, our fingers touched, and lingered on it. His eyes flickered down to our hands, and then met mine, and I knew then that he felt something too. My mouth suddenly dry, I put the goblet to my lips, breaking the contact before I did something stupidly rash like caress his fingers with mine, and I gulped down my wine and turned away, to hide the naked yearning that I was sure was visible on my face. He cleared his throat and said quietly, 

"It's late. You should… go. Now."

Setting down my goblet without a word, I left him alone. 

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Chapter 4

Every Time I Touch You, You Just Tremble Inside

Over the next few weeks we worked side by side each evening after dinner. Our routine was unvarying. I would knock on his door, he would open it wordlessly, and we would set to work straight away. Conversation was easy while work was the topic under discussion, and we made good progress, bouncing ideas off one another with an exhilarating energy that left me drained but happy. He was by far my superior intellectually and yet he appeared to value, even respect, my opinions and made me feel that he was perhaps learning as much from me as I was from him. However, anything "off-topic" was met with monosyllabic answers and a distinct discomfort. I knew that he had spent many weeks away at Dumbledore's behest, and I knew that his mission had concerned the rise of the dark lord. More, he would not say, and I knew as little about his life before Hogwarts, or outside of it, as when I first met him.

 Nevertheless, our partaking of a goblet of red wine at the end of the evening had become a ritual, and it was now our habit to sit in front of the fire while we supped. Severus would stare into the flames and occasionally ask me questions about the Muggle world, but I knew he affected an interest merely to make conversation, and, I hoped, in order to prolong my stay. I, for my part, would feel like a courtier summoned to the side of a tired and jaded king in order to provide entertainment, and so I would make my answers as interesting and as accurately detailed as I could in order that I could gain his favour and postpone banishment from his court. The longer I spent with him the more I yearned for his company when, during the day, we were apart, and I could not deny that I longed for him to return the love I had begun to feel for him.

Then, one evening, I did not take my seat in the chair opposite his, but instead sat on the black fur rug before the fire, which was equally as luxuriant as the white one I knew lay in his bedroom. His robes brushed against my upturned cheek as he edged past me to sit down, and I closed my eyes and shivered. I shifted closer to him and leaned slightly, resting my head on his knee as I gazed at the fire. I felt him stiffen, and sensed his hands gripping the arms of the chair, but after a moment he relaxed again and we sat in silence. Eventually I felt him reach out to stroke my hair, tentatively, as if he was unsure of how to proceed. I sighed, and leaned further in to him by way of encouragement.

 He was so gentle, his touch so longed for, that his fingers made my scalp tingle. To be so near to him and yet not dare go further was an exquisite agony of yearning for me and I was compelled to turn and gaze at him, my feelings surely etched on my face. His fingers grazed my cheek as I turned, and his hand stayed for a while, as he regarded me gravely, the line between his eyebrows pronounced by a slight frown. After long moments, he said softly,

"It's late, and we are both tired. You should go."

I inclined my head, stretching slightly so that his hand would cup my cheek. He stroked across it very gently with his thumb, all the while staring perplexed into my eyes, before withdrawing his hand.

I stood reluctantly, and he accompanied me to the door. I turned to face him, reaching up to caress his cheek with my trembling hand, as he had done mine. He closed his eyes when my fingertips brushed his lips, and I whispered, "Goodnight, Severus." I did not dare reach up to kiss him, even though I burned for him. I felt too powerless in his presence to take more control, and I sensed that the time was not right. But as I floated back to my room, I knew that somehow it would be, soon. There was an invisible cord that stretched from my body to his, and the tugging deep in my stomach, betraying my deepest desires, would not let me forget.

Sleep eluded me for a long time that night, and I tossed and turned in my bed, unable to forget the smoothness of his skin under my fingertips, aching to run my fingers through his hair and pull him close to me. Eventually I sought to relieve my physical yearning for him, and on its release I cried out his name over and over, until it had passed and I was spent. My mental torment, however, could not be assuaged so readily. For probably the first time in my life, I was falling in love.

I must have succumbed to sleep eventually, because I awoke to find the mid-morning sun streaming through my window. I had overslept, and I cursed myself for missing breakfast and the opportunity of looking on his face again. Now I would have to wait until the evening. I made my way to the library and tried to lose myself in my work. I must have had some measure of success, for when he came upon me in a dark, narrow aisle, I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"I didn't mean to startle you," he said, rearranging the books on the shelf behind me, disturbed when I had backed into them in my surprise.

"I was miles away!" I admitted, flustered and deliciously aware of the way his presence coiled around me and enveloped me. How had I not noticed his approach?

"Evidently!" he smiled, brushing dust from my shoulder with long, tapering fingers, his touch sending tiny currents of electricity through me, before growing serious once more. "You missed breakfast today, and I…needed to ask you something"

"I overslept." I said ruefully. "It took me half the night to fall asleep." I looked at him levelly, hoping that my meaning was not too obvious, but also hoping that it was. A flicker of fire came from behind his mask and suggested that he understood, and he replied,

"I had some difficulty relaxing, too. We…worked too hard."

"Maybe we need a break." This comment was as misconstrued as my previous one had been accepted, and he reacted in a way that filled me with dismay. 

"Ah. I see. Of course, I've taken up too much of your free time; the Headmaster wouldn't want you overworked. And I'm sure _Lupin_ misses your company!"

 His tone became cold, and I could sense his withdrawal from me. He had misunderstood my meaning, and turned to leave. 

"No! Severus, I just meant that we should maybe have some fun, relax a little. It would do us both good. I could show you how!" I teased, gently, trying to lighten his mood a little rather than make too serious a protestation and frighten him with the full intensity of my feelings.

"Together?" He looked at me, disbelieving.

"Yes, why not?"

"Why not, indeed?" he said thoughtfully, eyes downcast. "And what would we do? Together?"

I said nothing, and waited for him to raise his eyes to meet mine. I was filled with an overwhelming certainty that now was the moment to make my move. I had to know how he felt about me, every nerve ending in my body was screaming at me to tell him, and my heart was pounding so fast that I felt he must surely see it. As he gazed into my soul, I stepped towards him and put a hand on his shoulder. Stretching on tiptoes, I leaned forward and let my lips brush his, oh so lightly. He didn't move, he simply stood there, his eyes hooded and gazing into mine, his lips slightly parted. He tasted soft, pliant and warm, and I felt a heat of desire for him engulf me. I heard a soft moan from deep in his throat, before he took a step back from me, muttered, "I don't think so, Ella," and then turned and swept away. Rapidly. 

I sank to the floor, disbelieving and still giddy from the kiss. I was aghast that he should react in such a way, and I couldn't understand why, when the kiss had obviously affected him, he should run from me. I wrapped my arms around my legs, buried my face and sobbed.

"Are you alright?" came a concerned voice. I looked up to see one of the sixth year prefects, Hermione Granger, looking down at me. I brushed away my tears with the back of my hand, and stood up.

"Yes, I'm absolutely fine, thanks."

"Hmm," she said, unconvinced. "Here. Take this handkerchief. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Er…no," I said, trying to compose myself, but Hermione wasn't to be dissuaded so easily.

"I just saw Professor Snape leaving the library. I was coming in. He was very rude, told me to get out of his way. Now, we're all used to that sort of thing, but I have to say, I've never seen him look quite so upset before. I wonder what's wrong?"

I met her steady, knowing gaze and said,

"I have no idea what goes on in that man's head."

"But you'd like to." Mentally, I admitted defeat and said ruefully,

"You must think I'm mad."

She shrugged matter-of-factly. "For wanting forbidden fruit? No, I understand." Her face clouded for a moment, and then she announced, "You'd be good for him. Tell him!" And, leaving me open-mouthed in surprise, she turned on her heel and was gone.

At length, I managed to compose myself sufficiently to return to my desk, which I tidied quickly before leaving the library. If Madam Pince noticed my prolonged disappearance or red-rimmed eyes, she said nothing. It was only after I was back in my room that I remembered Snape had said he wanted to ask me something. I had a suspicion that that had been merely a ruse, an excuse to seek me out that had gone awry, but nevertheless it gave me a reason to go to him. When I felt brave, or foolhardy enough to do so. I needed answers.


	3. Flashing Fever From Your Eyes

Chapter 5__

Flashing Fever From Your Eyes

**__**

After a long soak in a scented bath I had resolved upon a course of action. I dressed for dinner in a low-cut dress of purple crushed velvet, and wore my hair loose so that it cascaded over my shoulders. I was not so overdressed that it would be remarked upon by my colleagues, but just sufficiently provocative, I hoped, to have the desired effect on Severus Snape.

He was already seated when I entered the Great Hall. Instead of taking my place I went straight over to him. He had not seen me enter, having been pre-occupied in glowering at a small group of Gryffindors who were laughing loudly over a copy of the Daily Prophet. I touched him lightly on the shoulder to attract his attention. He turned, his eyes widening when he saw me, looking me up and down.

"There was something you wanted to ask me, Severus. In the library this morning, when you came looking for me. You left so suddenly, you forgot to ask. What was it?" I challenged him calmly.  
"It was, erm, ah, simply a question about the anti- erm- swelling potion to reduce joint pain" he stuttered, well aware that his eyes were on a level with my chest, as I had planned.

"Let's discuss it after dinner, shall we?" I smiled sweetly, and turned away before he had the chance to make an excuse. I knew that I had used my feminine wiles on him in a far more blatant way than I would normally consider acceptable, but after the involuntary moan I had elicited from him in the library I felt the need to press home my advantage and break through his crumbling defences.

We spent most of the ensuing meal watching one another, and I noticed an array of emotions on Severus' face, the reasons for which I barely understood. Desire I rejoiced to see, puzzlement I could well understand, but fear? Anger? Despair?

He slipped away before dinner ended, determination and resolve now etched on his face. As I pushed away my plate, having no appetite for food that night, I caught the Headmaster frowning after Severus. With a perplexed glance at me, Dumbledore arose and followed him down the not-so-secret passageway, which served as a short cut from the hall to the dungeons. 

"Hmph," I thought to myself, "maybe he's off to give Severus a bit of fatherly advice and tell him to get his act together!"

I took the long way down to the dungeons and when I reached the Potions classroom, all was quiet. I knocked on the office door, and Severus opened it at once. He seemed agitated, and led me by the hand to the centre of the room, locking the door behind me, before turning to face me. His eyes drank me in hungrily and I quivered with the urge to reach out and touch him, settling instead for the admittedly exquisite sensation of tingling anticipation as he caressed my hands as they lay enfolded in his.

"What is it, Severus? Is something troubling you?" I asked gently. He answered earnestly,

"Believe me when I say this, Ella, you look beautiful tonight. You do every night." He took a step towards me, dropping my hands and putting his own on my waist. He pulled me to him, his arms enfolding me at last, and I nearly fainted away as he bent his head to mine, seeking out my lips for a kiss. I gasped,

"Ah!" as I lifted my face to meet his, and our lips touched. His kiss was so gentle, so hesitant, but I answered it with a heat that consumed me completely and left me weak. This was so unexpected, so longed for! Our kiss deepened and our passion grew, as my desire fanned the flames of his.

My tongue licked his insistently until he gently thrust it into my mouth, exploring, performing an intricate dance with mine. I shuddered, and he held me closer, so tight that I could barely stand. I had wanted for so long to touch his silky black hair and now I laced my fingers through it and clung to him, moaning out his name, "Severus!" as his mouth left mine and travelled down my neck, making me tremble against him as he left a wet trail of kisses, which he then retraced until his lips found mine once more. My body was moulded to his and I could feel his desire for me hard against my stomach. Sharp heat stabbed at my groin and spread slowly until my body was ablaze with longing for him. I had never felt such wanton heat in my life and I marvelled at the effect this wonderfully charismatic man was having on me. I moved against him, grinding my hips against his body, wanting him so much that all decorum was lost. He broke off our kiss, panting, and let go of me, striding across to the dresser where there were two goblets of wine already poured. He drained his, and turned back to me as I leaned on the table, my legs weak.

"Why me?" he whispered, bewildered. "Why would you want _me_?"

"Why wouldn't I?" I answered throatily. " I can't get you out of my mind, Severus. I'm falling in love with you."

He looked anguished and shook his head, crying, "You _can't_ love me! I can't allow it!"

"You don't have any choice, love! It's far too late for that!" I insisted, closing the space between us and stroking his cheek once more. He took my hand away and held it by the wrist, his features contorted by conflicting emotions as he looked deeply into my eyes. Letting out a ragged breath he said sadly,

"Then let's see where this shall take us" before enfolding me in his arms once more and kissing me deeply. I had no time to ponder his meaning, since I was swept away by my own passion and by the way his hands fluttered up and down my back, sending shivers along my spine and causing an insistent tugging between my legs.

 He shrugged off his frock coat to reveal black trousers and a tailored white shirt underneath whose many buttons I began to pull open, planting kisses on his neck and chest his scent a heady cocktail of sandalwood, musk and maleness which I inhaled greedily, wanting to flood all of my senses with the sight of him, the feel of him, the smell of him.

He, in turn, unbuttoned my dress and deftly removed my bra. I gasped as his hands cupped my breasts, taking their heavy weight and rubbing his thumbs over my aching nipples, and I returned his kiss more hungrily as he picked me up and sat me on the table. I arched my back as once again his lips travelled down my neck, but this time instead of stopping, he carried on until my nipple was in his mouth, his tongue teasing it, then sucking and nipping.  I was overcome, the sensation of his moist lips on me almost unbearably sweet, and I clasped his head to my breast, my hands stroking his hair over and over as I gasped out his name.

One arm was around me, leaving one hand free to stroke its way up my outer thigh, and then round, until I was crying for him to give me some release. He removed my panties and cupped my mound in his hand, his long fingers finally caressing my most private place, and I could never have imagined, alone in my bed at night and dreaming of him, how exquisite it would feel. No man had ever, or could have ever, made me feel so alive, so desired, so desperately in love. My climax came quickly and I clung to him, digging my fingers into the soft cotton of his shirt now, and I screamed out his name deliriously.

He would not stop, not until I was quiet at last, drained and exhausted by the incredibly intense sensations he had made me feel. He relinquished my nipple at last, and raised his head, looking at me strangely. I cupped his beloved face in my hands and covered it with kisses, saying his name over and over, crying in my afterglow and tasting unexpected tears on his eyelids too.

At length, he straightened and looked down at me, an inscrutable expression on his face. Wordlessly I knelt and began to unbutton his trousers, and I only took my eyes from his when I realised, to my dismay, that my own heightened arousal no longer seemed to be reciprocated. He had not come himself, I was certain, yet the erection I had been so aware of earlier was gone. I resolved to put that right, and stroked him gently through the soft silk of his boxers. When there was no response, I pulled them down to reveal him wholly. Moaning, I took him in my mouth while one hand caressed his sac, my other reaching round his back to stroke his buttocks, firmly pulling him to me. Nothing happened, no matter what I did to him. His member remained flaccid, lifeless, and eventually I let go of him, knelt back, and surveyed his motionless figure.

He was looking down at me, his lips drawn back from his teeth in a horrible approximation of a smile. His eyes, so expressive minutes ago, were devoid of any emotion, as though cataracts had shuttered their fathomless depths from view. I was bewildered and said,

"Severus, what's wrong?"

He threw back his head and laughed, a mirthless, hollow sound that chilled my soul. His voice was cold, flat and dull as he said cruelly,

"Can't you guess, woman? You don't _amuse_ me any more! I've given you what you've been panting for all these weeks, aren't you satisfied? You can go now, I've no use for you."

"No! What have you _done_?" I looked over at the empty goblet on the sideboard, trying desperately to make sense of his sudden change of mood.

"Did you take something?"

Instead of answering me, he raised his eyebrows, opened his arms wide, and looked down at himself.

"Believe the incontrovertible evidence of your own eyes, Miss Redemte! Oh, but I forgot - your own pathetic, lustful need had blinded you, hasn't it? Then let me spell it out - _I don't want you_!"

"No, no, that's _not true_, I _know_ it's not true!" I cried.

"Oh, I admit you've been a diversion," he continued, "but as soon as I saw you without your clothes on, well, _somehow_, you lost all your mystique! Lupin and Black can have you between them; they must know you're desperate for it! Tell me, did you wait for them to transform first? Are four legs better than two?"

I shrank from him, appalled by his cruelty, clutching my dress around myself, filled with horror and humiliation. He watched me coldly for a moment, then turned away and, buttoning his trousers, said

"Well, why are you still here?"

I scrambled to my feet, sobbing uncontrollably, gathered my clothing and ran. His ghastly laughter followed me, echoing through the corridor behind me as I fled.

I didn't leave my room for two days. I stayed in bed and wept, refusing to answer the door to anyone. I knew I was being weak, and I despised myself for it, but I was broken, my despair so complete that I couldn't bring myself to do anything else. I could not understand how he could treat me so cruelly, and my humiliation knew no bounds. I blamed myself for misreading his intentions. Right from the moment we met I had all but given myself to him on a plate, forcing myself on him and attaching far too great an importance to his slightest reaction. So, while I was bewildered and hurt at his callousness, I knew that my own uncharacteristically wanton behaviour was at fault. 

I went over and over it in my mind until I drove myself mad. I had been so sure there was something between us, some force drawing us together, as if we had been meant to be together. And now, I was in tatters. I could not stay at Hogwarts. If I had to see him again the remaining shreds of my dignity would be lost, and I would fall apart. It was far better that I leave, and as soon as I could.

Eventually I forced myself to take the steps necessary to leave Hogwarts, and Severus Snape, behind. I packed all my belongings, planning to leave while the moon was full. I wanted to avoid having to say goodbye to Remus and Sirius, who were holed up in the Shrieking Shack, but before I could inform the Headmaster of my imminent departure, he came to see me.

"Ella, it's Albus. Please open the door."

I let him in, and, seeing my bags, he said gravely,

"I thought as much. Is there anything I can do that will change your mind?"

"Nothing." I replied. "I'm sorry to let you down, but the cataloguing is nearly done, I'm sure one of the seventh year students could complete it easily. I was going to Durmstrang after Christmas anyway, I'm simply leaving a few weeks earlier!"

Dumbledore sighed heavily.

"I am truly sorry to see you go. You know, Ella, Severus is a very complex man."

"I don't want to talk about him, Headmaster, I'm sorry, I just can't - I _have_ to get away!" and I began to cry.

"There, there. There will always be a welcome for you here at Hogwarts, Ella from _every_ one of us" he emphasised. "I will make all the arrangements for your transfer to Durmstrang. Look after yourself, and be on your guard. The Dark Lord has spies in the most unlikely places."

"Thank you, Headmaster" I replied, puzzling at his parting comments as he took his leave.

I lay on my bed, wondering about the significance of what he had said about spies, taking care and Severus being a complex man. Maybe he was alluding to the mission Severus had been on over the summer, but I did not see how Dumbledore could possibly think that would excuse his behaviour to me. No, Dumbledore must not be aware of that, I decided. He must just be under the impression that I had made advances and had been rebuffed. Better that way for my pride, I thought ruefully. I did not wish for the entire school to know just how thoroughly I had been humiliated. Running away like this was demeaning enough.

Dumbledore arranged for Hagrid to escort me to Hogsmeade early the next morning. As I waited for his knock on my door I took out the prospectus once more and opened it, tears spilling down my cheeks as I looked into Severus' ebony eyes. I loved him. Even though I had been, must have been, so wrong in my interpretation of his feelings.

Then came another knock on the door; It was Hagrid, come to take me in to Hogsmeade. With one last look around my room, I left, leaving the prospectus lying open on the bed.


	4. Will My Life Ever Be The Same?

Chapter 6

Diagon Alley was quieter now, I realised, and the shops were closing for the day. With a heavy sigh, I stood up and started towards the Leaky Cauldron, hoping against hope that I would be able to reach my room without encountering Severus Snape, yet at the same time, hoping that I would. After all these months, I still longed to look at his face, and his sudden appearance in Diagon Alley had brought back to the surface emotions that I had managed to subdue, but never deny. Call it fate, call it animal magnetism, call it whatever I would, I had loved him, and continued to do so.

I had to pass through the crowded bar to reach the staircase to the upper guest rooms, but as soon as I entered I could sense that he wasn't there. As I reached the stairs, however, a smooth, cultured voice came from out of the shadows.

"Ah, the little halfblood librarian!"

I stopped, inexplicably chilled, and a smartly dressed figure leaned forward until illuminated by the smoky flickering of the oil lamps hanging from the bar. His hair was white, like a frozen waterfall cascading back from his brow and past his shoulders. His eyes were an icy blue, piercing and cold.

"Mr…Malfoy?" I guessed, noting the resemblance between him and his etiolated son.

"Very good, very good!" he drawled. "Won't you join me? I believe we have a mutual friend. I saw you enjoying an ice cream with Snape earlier."

"I wouldn't call Professor Snape a friend," I said stiffly. His smile widened, without ever reaching his eyes.

"Please, sit."

My instincts were screaming at me not to, under any circumstances, and I longed for Severus to run down the stairs and rescue me. Banishing such a stupid notion from my mind, however, I said instead, "I'm sorry, Mr Malfoy, but I can't. I'm expecting an urgent owl from Beauxbatons, and I have to draft my reply."

A flash of anger crossed his face, but he simply smiled and said,

"Another time, then" and sat back, disappearing into the shadows once more.

I started hastily up the stairs, my heart racing with fear. I walked along the winding corridor towards my room, adrenaline pumping through my veins after my encounters with Snape and Malfoy.

I stopped in front of one of the doors, knowing all at once that it was his, and that he was within. Did he know I was there, touching his door, wanting to fling it open and run to him? I would throw myself at his feet, beg him to love me. The invisible cord that bound me to him tugged at my heart, his aura so strong that my stomach flipped and I had to force myself to move on, on to the relative sanctuary of my own room. Once safely locked in, I flung myself on to my bed and cursed him for the power he still had over me. I should never have come back. I should have stayed at Beauxbatons.

            ****************************************************

My term at Durmstrang had not been a happy time. The school was hidden away high up in an icy, rocky place, snow covered and barren, and the coincidence of my physical surroundings and my mental turmoil was not lost on me. I had sent an owl to Remus, telling him not to worry about me and not to reply to it, as I wanted no news of Severus. I wallowed in misery, perversely enjoying the cold, dark, empty corridors of the castle, and the wind that whistled around the battlements and rattled my windows at night. My work was easy, being very similar to my work at Hogwarts, and I had plenty of time for introspection, so I spent part of each day high on the battlements, the chill wind turning my nose pink and chapping my lips and cheeks till they cracked, watching storm clouds gather and snow flurries cover the mountain tops.

 One freezing afternoon two weeks after my arrival, I was looking across the barren landscape and saw a small black shape running fast across the snow. It came closer, and I realised it was Sirius. 

Half an hour later, he had found me.

"Ella!" he said, striding across the battlements to enfold me in a bear hug. "I've missed you! So's Lupin!"

"What are you doing here, Sirius? It's nearly Christmas, you should be at Hogwarts with Harry."

"We were worried about you. I would have been here sooner, but they're so suspicious of me here, the red tape took ages to sort out. They seemed to think I should still be in Azkaban. Good grief, you look dreadful!" he exclaimed, holding me at arm's length. "What have you been doing?"

I just looked at him miserably, and he muttered,

"Yes, well, er, let's go inside, I just got here and I could do with sitting by a nice warm fire. They do _have_ fires here, don't they?" he asked grimly.

Later as we sat next to the fire in my rooms, Sirius told me how angry he'd been when he found out I'd gone. He and Remus had left the Shrieking Shack on the morning after my departure, and on returning to the school had been summoned to Dumbledore's office. Once there, the Headmaster had told them, briefly, the circumstances of my leaving. Sirius had blown up, and had gone straight down to the dungeons to see Severus. They had duelled, and only Remus' timely intervention had stopped them doing serious damage to one another. Dumbledore had been furious, Severus in the foulest, blackest mood Sirius had ever seen, and Sirius wanted answers neither man was prepared to give.

"So, I told them I was coming to see you."

"Well, what do you want me to say?" I shrugged. "Sirius, I appreciate your coming all this way, but there's nothing to tell. Professor Snape and I… had a misunderstanding, but I know how he feels now, and that's that. How- how's he been?"

"Vile. Viler than usual. Hell_, I_ don't know, Ella, you know him as well as I do. What did you see in him anyway?"

"He wasn't vile to me," I said, my eyes filling with tears. "Well, only at-at-at the end!" I sobbed.

Sirius got up and knelt at my side, holding me close and softly whispering in my ear,

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Shush, it's OK. Albus won't tell me, and Severus certainly won't, but I think he regrets what happened. Whatever it was. And he's been even _more_ unbearable since you left. You _were_ good for him, you know. I just think, maybe, he doesn't want anyone to be good for him at the moment."

"You weren't there, though. He was – he was – different. Not himself."

Sirius held me for a while, until my sobs subsided, then smiled and said, raising his eyebrows questioningly,

"That fire's so warm and inviting, d'you mind if I, er…"

"Go ahead, it's fine! As long as you don't mind if I join you!"

He lay down on the rug, transforming into Padfoot, stretching out close to the fire. I sat down beside him, stroking his big shaggy head as he rested it on my lap, He looked up at me, whining sadly as I gazed into the flames.

The next day I sent him home, asking him to give my love to Remus and tell him I was doing okay. "Any message for Severus?" he asked gently.

"Tell him…just tell him…just say goodbye."

At last, the snow began to melt and spring arrived, and it was time to move on. I was to spend the summer term at Beauxbatons, and I resolved to make a fresh start. The Chateau was so elegant, set in a hidden valley in the French countryside, and its students and faculty so charming, that sometimes whole hours passed without my thinking of Severus at all. But when I did, my heart would sink, and I would withdraw into myself with such ineffable sadness, and wonder how I would ever get over him. Madame Maxime was very understanding, being "vairy experienced in ze ways of ze 'eart", and although I knew she corresponded regularly with Hagrid via owl post, I still felt able to confide in her about what had caused me to run away from Hogwarts. 

"'E 'as a past" she said to me one day. "My 'Agrid tells me, 'e is 'elping Dumbledore fight ze Dark Lord, but 'e used to be a Death Eater. 'E does vairy dangereuse work, you know. Zat must change a man, yes?"

"I know," I said, "but I thought we had made a connection. I thought I meant something to him, but at our last meeting, he…changed somehow."

"Maybe you did, 'oo can say? But now 'e is off again, 'Agrid says, and 'oo knows where? Zat is no life for the ones 'e leaves behind, no?"

I sighed. "I have no life without him, that's all _I_ know."

  ******************************************


	5. Rain On Dry Land

Chapter 7 

. As I lay on my bed in the Leaky Cauldron, I wondered where my future really lay, and whether avoiding him was still the best way to deal with losing him. I had spent all the summer holidays at Beauxbatons too, and had been invited back for the new autumn term. I was expected there the next day, and wished I could see Severus once more before I left. I undressed and got into bed, although I knew sleep would elude me. I was far too aware of his presence a short way along the corridor, and as I lay there tossing and turning I wondered whether there would be a knock at my door.

There was no knock. Instead I heard the rattle of the doorknob and the door was opened stealthily.

"Who's there?" I called, more bravely than I felt, since I knew very well whom it was. A dark figure came in, closing the door behind him.

"It's me, Ella, don't be afraid and _don't scream!"_

"You don't scare me, Severus!" I retorted, with an animosity I did not truly feel, in spite of everything. "What do you want?"

"I don't have long, I must leave, but you're not safe here." He seemed agitated, and crossed over to my bed, sitting beside me and putting his hands on my shoulders, his eyes burning into mine with an intensity that made my heart race.

"Listen to me, Ella, and listen carefully. You are in danger. Albus has arranged for your fire here to be put on the Floo network for a few hours, and I have some Floo powder for you, use it as soon as I have gone, and go to Hogsmeade. From there, go to Hogwarts- Albus is expecting you, and you'll be safe there."

"I'm due to return to Beauxbatons tomorrow!" I argued. "And I don't _want _to go back to Hogwarts!"

"For pity's sake, woman, do you have to be so stubborn?" he exploded. "Just do as I say!"

"Don't speak to me like I'm one of your students, _Professor_!"

He sighed and ran his hair back from his face impatiently.

" Ella, I need to know you're safe!" he stressed urgently.

"Why would _you_ care? You made your feelings quite clear the last time we met!"

"No, my sweet love, I didn't-"

"Don't you dare call me that!" I screamed at him, pushing his hands from my shoulders and scrambling off the bed so that I stood in front of him.

"You have _no_ right to come in here and speak to me like that!"

His eyes filled with anguish and he stood, handing me a small grey bowl, which he had laid on the table as he entered.

"Take this to Hogwarts, and use it there. Please. It will answer all your questions, and it may even make you think more kindly of me. But _please_, Ella, you _must_ do this! If I ever meant anything to you, _please_ promise me you'll go to Hogwarts! I can't protect you any more, they know too much!"

My eyes met his, which were shining in the moonlight with unshed tears. Taken aback, I answered

"Alright," and his stricken face creased with relief as he took me in his arms and kissed me deeply. I struggled, affronted by his audacity, but the pull of desire was too strong, and I succumbed to his embrace, running my hands through his hair and marvelling at how well our bodies moulded together. As I sank deeper into his embrace, I began to lose my sense of myself, and I clung to him as if he were part of me. Suddenly, he pulled away from me and said,

"I have to go! Ella, I-I love you!" his voice cracking. He threw some Floo powder into the fire, muttered something I could not catch, and, turning to give me one last scorching look, stepped in to the fire and was gone. 

I sat on the bed, stunned and elated. He loved me! I wanted to laugh out loud, but stopped short. I still didn't know why he had treated me so cruelly the previous year, but on the other hand I could still feel his splayed fingers pressing into my back, holding me close, and the warmth of his lips on mine, all too briefly. 

I was about to lose myself in a delicious reverie, and put aside the awkward questions about his behaviour till later, but a sudden muffled explosion from outside, and the distant sound of people screaming, startled me.

I sprang to my feet, picked up my clothes from the chair, and my packed bag, and ran to the fireplace, stopping only to pick up Snape's Pensieve. Throwing some Floo powder on to the fire, I shouted, "The Three Broomsticks!" and stepped in to the grate. I could swear that as I started to fall forwards I could hear a thin, high laugh coming from just outside my bedroom window.

I tumbled out of a large fireplace into the snug of the pub, which, fortunately, was dark and deserted. Quickly I pulled on my clothes over my thin chemise and went in to the main bar, where I found Madam Rosmerta talking to Hagrid.

"'Ere she is!" beamed Hagrid, coming over to me and greeting me with a huge bear hug that lifted me off my feet.

"Well, yer a sight for sore eyes and no mistake!"

"How did you know I was coming?" I asked curiously.

"Ah, well, you see, Professor Snape particularly asked me to come and fetch yeh tonight. He told me so this afternoon, very specific about it he was. Hagrid, he said, I will be doing everything in my power to get her to come back to Hogwarts, but she's as stubborn as they come."

I bristled, and he said sheepishly, "I probably shouldn't have told yeh that…so, anyway, here I am, and here yer are, and, well, let's get yeh back up to the school, he was very particular about that. Wants yeh to be safe, yeh know, and there's no safer place than Hogwarts, I always say!"

After we had set off for the castle in the horseless carriage, I asked Hagrid,

"Is Professor Snape here?"

"Oh, no, he's off on, er, business. Official _Hogwarts_ business, yes, that's it" he replied evasively.

"It's alright, Hagrid, I know about him. I know he used to be a Death Eater and that he's spying on Voldemort"

"Shh!" he said, looking all around us suspiciously. "Right, well then, if yeh know all that, why didn't yeh come back sooner?"

I looked at him, puzzled, not understanding what he meant, but by then we had arrived at the main entrance and a contingent of staff had come out to greet me, despite the late hour.

 I renewed my acquaintance with Madam Pomfrey, Madam Pince, Professor McGonagall and Professors Lupin and Black. They escorted me to my old room, which looked comforting and familiar. Remus came in with me and the others said goodnight, telling me that the Headmaster would be expecting me in the morning.

"It's exactly as you left it," Remus said meaningfully, pointing at the prospectus, which still lay on the bed. I picked it up and it fell open at the usual place. I looked at the photograph, which frowned back at me, and asked him,

"Where is he?"

Remus looked at me sadly and admitted, "We don't know. We haven't had word back yet. But both of you got out just in time, we think. There's news of an explosion in London, near to the Leaky Cauldron. Lots of muggles have been injured, and we're pretty sure it's the work of Death Eaters."

"I saw him an hour ago, briefly…" I told Remus, helplessly. "I don't know where he was going, or how long he'll be. I –I need to see him."

"Well, we're sending an owl to let him know you arrived safely. We might know more when it returns. And you need to see this, I think." He gestured towards the Pensieve. "He wouldn't trust any of us to give it to you, said he had to do it himself. Just like him."

"How much do you know? About Snape and me, I mean?"

He smiled and said gently, "A lot more than you do, I think. But sleep now, Ella. It'll still be there in the morning." And, with a quick hug, and a chaste kiss on my forehead, he left me alone.

He was right, I decided. I needed time to go over the events of the past couple of hours, and get some rest, if I could. I went to sleep with Severus' name on my lips, and his face on my mind.


	6. A Solitary Soul

Won't you come and see me

Let's take a chance and run with just what we can carry

Won't you come and save me, I am of the earth

But you are like a church with one hand in the sky

And a face that answers why

Won't you please just hear me?

Everywhere I hear you- everywhere you call

Every day I feel the need to fall into you

I need to be behind your castle walls.

I see it all so clearly, the window's open now

Let's take what Fate's allowed, time may never come

Let's take a chance and run with just what we can carry.

(Neal Morse- "Snow"- Spock's Beard)

                  *********************************************************** 

I awoke at daybreak the next morning, and resolved to use the Pensieve straight away. I leaned over it, looking into the grey, swirling waters until I felt myself sinking, then falling headfirst into them…

…I was in Diagon Alley again, watching myself and Severus sitting at a table outside Florian Fortescue's. "This was only yesterday!" I thought with surprise, and I watched myself say,

"I thought you didn't care for my…_tastes_, Professor Snape". I found myself wondering why I looked different, but too late, grey mist enfolded me and I was taken to another memory. 

…Lucius Malfoy's face was inches from Snape's as they stood facing one another outside the Leaky Cauldron.

"If I didn't know better, Severus, I'd say you were following me…but I see you're here for another reason, aren't you?"

"I don't know what you mean, Lucius" Snape replied, icy calm but unable to stop his eyes widening with alarm when Malfoy continued,

"The halfblood you were eating ice-cream with? How _cosy_ you both looked!"

…Now we were both in the library and he was coming up behind me, ready with a barbed comment about the book he needed, and I felt his surprise as I stood up to him, the recognition that I would not be intimidated, the grudging admiration, and, not least, I felt the physical jolt that he felt as he looked on me for the first time….

 …Moving through the mists once more, now I was looking at myself from Snape's point of view, across the Great Hall; I was chatting and laughing, stealing a glance across at the Potions master whom, I could tell as an observer in his memory, stole far more glances back at me than I had ever realised at the time, and who was confused by his feelings and angry at himself for wanting me. As I studied myself, I realised what was different about me. In his memory, I was beautiful, far more beautiful than in reality! And I was surrounded by a sort of aura, a glow, which made me stand out from those around me, who were dull and monochromatic in comparison. "Is this how he sees me?" I marvelled. 

I turned to watch Severus, and tried to reach out and touch him, but his image dissolved, and I was hurtling through the mist into another memory.  

…I was in the Three Broomsticks, laughing with Sirius and Remus, unaware of the waves of jealousy and unwanted desire engulfing the solitary figure at the bar but stealing yet more glances at him, glances that made his heart leap in spite of himself.

…Now we were in his office, working side by side, deep in discussion, and I could feel him eager to learn everything about me, and his growing respect for my opinion; now he was pacing up and down in his bedroom, watching over me as I lay in his bed in the throes of a fever; now he was staring at the back of my head in wonderment as I rested it on his knee and he stroked my hair.

Then came more memories, where I had not been present.

…Severus staring at my empty chair the morning I had overslept, biting his nails and glowering at Lupin and Black while they tried to make conversation. Severus striding along the corridors leading to the library, stopping in his tracks and turning back more than once, but ending up in that dark, dusty aisle all the same. And Severus, retreating to the dungeons after I kissed him, self-loathing in his heart alongside fear for me. And fear _of_ me, too.

I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by all of the memories, and the realisation of the strength of his feelings for me. In the distance I heard a knocking, and I was rushing up, up and out of the Pensieve until I stood in my room once more, pale and shaking. 

              ***********************************************

It was Lupin at my door, come to take me to see the Headmaster.

"Are you alright?" he asked solicitously.

"I think so," I replied. "Give me a minute."

"Ah, the Pensieve," he smiled. "Sirius and I bought him this, you know, soon after you came here. We told him to use it when we saw he was falling for you."  
"Falling for me…" I repeated, still in a daze. "But I didn't think he had any friends?"

"Hah! Correction, he doesn't think he has any friends. Not really. He's always been a bit of a loner. He built a wall around himself years ago, won't let anyone in. It's a long story; things happened when we were at school and well, let's just say we've all grown up a bit since then. We've had to." His eyes took on a haunted expression for a moment, then he brightened and said, "_You've_ really got to him, though. Ready to go?" and we set off to see Dumbledore.

The headmaster rose from behind his desk as we entered his office, and greeted me warmly.

"Ah, Ella! Glad to be back?" His blue eyes twinkled knowingly, and I understood the question behind his question.

"Yes, Professor. I'm very glad," I answered truthfully.

"We have had an owl from Professor Snape. He, too, is glad that you're back at Hogwarts."

"Is he alright?" I asked anxiously.

"I believe so, but the message was necessarily brief, and I do not know where he is, or when he will return," he replied, becoming grave. My heart sank, but I tried to console myself with the knowledge that he was alive, out there somewhere, maybe loving me. "He was most anxious that you use the Pensieve, Ella. Have you had the opportunity yet?"

"Just now," I admitted. "Headmaster, how is it that I can feel his emotions as well as see his memories?"

Dumbledore frowned. "Dark magic, Ella. Oh, don't worry," he said, seeing my alarm, "not all dark magic has ill effects, except on the user, maybe. But his motives in doing so were good, I think. Severus is well versed in the Dark Arts, and I believe he used his skill to- ah- enhance the performance of the Pensieve for your sake. You will have noticed, I suppose, that his memories of you are very- ah- intense?"

I nodded dumbly in reply.

"And so, you must then understand why he insisted you return here?"

"Yes" I whispered, in a daze of wonderment and despair. I had spent so long trying to forget him, only to discover now that I had been as much on his mind all along as he had been on mine! So many wasted months when we could have been together!

"Professor, why did he hide his feelings for me just to put them in a Pensieve? Why did he have to hurt me?"

"Only he can answer that, but I think he has difficulty in accepting you have feelings for him. However, you may yet find the answers in the Pensieve, my dear."

I couldn't return to my room straight away. The lure of the Pensieve was so strong, I would not be able to resist its pull, and I needed to take stock of all that I had seen and heard. I needed to think about why Severus had attracted me so in the first place, and, more to the point, what he had seen in me. We had both been on our own for so many years now, and I identified with the loneliness he so evidently felt. I wondered what he had sensed in me. A kindred spirit, I suspected. An equal. A soul mate?

I decided to go for a walk down to Hagrid's hut, to see if he had had any word from Madame Maxime. Hagrid made me very welcome, and his incessant questioning about how I had found Beauxbatons and Madame Maxime distracted me somewhat. Eventually, however, the tea in the pot had turned stone cold and I sat back in my seat and sighed.

"I have to go, Hagrid. There's something I need to do, and I feel ready to do it now. It- it concerns Professor Snape."

"Not many people like Professor Snape, yeh know," said Hagrid, gruffly.

"Hah, I can't imagine why!" I laughed ruefully, while mentally listing all the reasons why I did.

"Not many people take the time to get to know 'im. 'E don't let many, either, come to think of it."

"He's been pretty horrid to Harry Potter and his friends, hasn't he?" I said, knowing of Hagrid's fondness for that trio.

"An' you too, but 'e don't mean it, either way. Sometimes it's easier, safer, not to let people in."

"Self-preservation, do you mean?"

"That, an' not lettin' You Know Who know who yeh care about. Just in case."

Dumbledore had said that too, I pondered as I trudged back across the lawns to my rooms. I felt slightly annoyed that everyone seemed to know about Snape's ulterior motives except for me. I also felt cross with him for treating Harry so badly without ever explaining why, and I wondered if Harry had gone through the same as me, in his own way.

I went into my room, took a deep breath, and let myself plunge back in to the Pensieve.

          *****************************************************

…I watched myself lying in his bed, waxen and feverish. He stood at its foot, glowering at my shivering form. Madam Pomfrey bustled in, holding my blue satin negligee.

"This is all I could find in her room," she said dubiously, holding it up. He glanced at it, raised an eyebrow, and then resumed his vigil.

"Well leave the room, Severus!" she scolded. "I need to change her into it!"

"This is _my room_!" he snarled.

"Yes, and it's _you_ that brought her here! Now be a gentleman and at least turn round!"

He scowled at her and strode to the other side of the room, his arms folded. Madam Pomfrey muttered something under her breath, which I couldn't catch, and set about undressing my insensible form. I watched Severus, and to my amusement he realised that he could look in the mirror over the dresser and see the reflection of his bed. He looked away for a moment, until curiosity got the better of him and his eyes widened as he watched Madam Pomfrey slip me out of my clothes and into my shift. When she had finished he turned around and, adjusting his robes, told Madam Pomfrey to leave.

"I will be here, in case she needs another dose of the antivenin," he said, clearing his throat. With a "Hmph!" Madam Pomfrey left.

 Snape resumed his position at the foot of the bed, frowning, for several minutes. Then, abruptly, he flung off his robes and began to unbutton his clothing. Surely, I thought, he would not have taken advantage of me while I was incapacitated? And if he had, surely I would have remembered his taking me, however feverish I was? But he strode in to the bathroom and shut the door.

…Suddenly I was in the bathroom with him, and I was watching him remove his clothes. I stood perfectly still, not daring to move, imagining that the grey mists would come at any moment and move me on. But they did not come, and I watched as he revealed his long, lean body to my eager gaze. I noticed the dark mark on his bare arm, ugly and black, and shivered. It was the only blemish on an otherwise completely desirable sight. His legs were long, and his waist and back had that slightly thickened solidity that only becomes apparent with the onset of middle age. His buttocks were taut and firm, clenching as he stepped in to the shower. I heard him mutter, 

"Aqua frigus vigoratus!" and he cried out "Ah!" tensing as powerful jets of cold water soaked him. He turned round, eyes closed, and lifted his arms to run his hands through his hair.

I gasped as I devoured the sight of his broad chest, with a light sprinkling of dark hair, and as I followed the line of his hair downward, the reason for his cold shower was evident. He was in a highly aroused state and I could not take my eyes off him. The water ran in rivulets down his arms and chest, into the dark thatch surrounding his proud manhood, then down his long, long legs. I took a step forward, wanting to examine every inch of his beautiful body, and he obliged by turning round and round under the pulsing jets of water as he soaped himself. Eventually, his arousal receded, and he said, "Aqua cessate!".

Stepping out of the shower, he began to towel himself dry with a large green bath sheet, rubbing his long dark hair vigorously. I wished I could reach out and touch him, draw him into my embrace, but I knew that what I was seeing had no substance for me, as I wasn't really there.

I wondered whether or not he had put this memory in to the Pensieve deliberately, in order to show me my effect on him, or even simply to…please me. I smiled to myself. He truly was delicious, and if the memory had been put there for that purpose, then surely it showed a more human side to his nature?

He wrapped the towel around his waist, and then went back into the bedroom where I still lay, unconscious. He dressed quickly, allowing me one last glimpse of his glorious physique, then sat in the armchair and looked across at me thoughtfully. The mists returned, and I moved on…

…I was in the Headmaster's office now. Severus was standing at the window, hands on hips, tense and simmering with rage. His agitation was palpable and I felt my heart beating faster with his. Dumbledore was saying, "You are wrong, Severus, and I cannot allow it! Ella is a bright girl, she will take a good deal of convincing! And why would you want to upset her like that? She may never understand your reasons."

"But I cannot keep her safe! Voldemort will use her against me, everything we have all worked for will be put at risk! If he knew of my feelings for her, her life would be in danger, I will _not_ put her at risk!" he pleaded. "It's far better that she should hate me. I couldn't bear to lose her at his hand. I need to protect her. I must not love her too much, he will sense it in me. I failed with Lily. I couldn't protect her and James. I _will not_ make the same mistake again!"

"Their deaths were not your fault, Severus! You did all you could!"

"And it wasn't enough! Albus, I've lived with this for the last sixteen years! I look at Harry every day and I'm reminded of my first love, and the one I lost her to! Now, I don't expect the Fates to give me a second chance, but I swear, I will _not_ let them repeat their treachery!"

Dumledore sat down at his desk with a heavy sigh. 

"You've always been far too hard on yourself, Severus. Oh, very well. Do as you will. For my part, I'll keep your secret from her, until you choose to tell her yourself."

Snape sagged, turning back to the window and leaning against the stone lintel. He rubbed his brow with his hand as he said, "Thank you, Albus. I'll make the necessary preparations."

The mist swirled around me again and I fought against it, wanting to be released to take stock of what I had seen. But too late, I was standing in the middle of another memory, and I knew that I had to follow these sad events to their conclusion.


	7. Love Beyond Words

Chapter 9

…He was in his private storeroom, searching for ingredients. A book lay open beside him, the pages headed "Anti-Inflammatory Potions; A Potion to Negate the Effectes of Physickal Arousal". He threw several ingredients into a small cauldron, and I watched it bubble and spit. The last ingredient being added, Snape took the cauldron and strained it through a piece of muslin cloth in to a bowl, and thence in to several small vials. Three he put on the shelf; one he took into his private study, pouring it into one of the golden goblets set upon the sideboard. That done, he added wine to the goblet, looked at it intently for a few moments, then turned with a heavy sigh and returned to the store cupboard to lock it, before setting off for dinner.

When the mist cleared again, it was later that evening, but I was still in the classroom. I was not surprised to find Dumbledore there. I had realised that this was Snape's memory of our last encounter, at which I had been so horrified at his behaviour. Now I was beginning to understand why he had acted as he did.

"Is it done?" the headmaster asked.

"Yes," replied Severus, clenching his fists. His anxiety was etched on his face. "It's ready. I'll do it tonight. If she comes to me."

"Oh, she'll come to you Severus. I am certain of it, for she loves you." Dumbledore replied sadly.

"Why me, Albus? What does she see in me? I certainly don't deserve her," he said bitterly.

"Well, well, as usual you do yourself a disservice, my friend. But some things are meant to be. They are written in the moon and the stars. No matter what you do, your plan may yet fail."

"If it fails, then I fail us all. And Ella. I can't let that happen." Severus replied quietly. 

"So be it. I'll be in my office later, Severus, if I am needed."

And, with resignation, Dumbledore got to his feet and left Snape alone.

Back in his private office, he paced up and down anxiously and when he heard my knock at the door, strode over and flung it open, taking my hand and leading me inside. My aura was glaring so brightly I could hardly look at myself, and the love and desire he felt for the me that stood before him overwhelmed me. I heard his words once more, and they amazed me now as much as they had had amazed me then;

"Believe me when I say this, Ella, you look beautiful tonight. You do every night"

I watched as he drew me into the embrace I remembered so well. I watched our kiss deepen, watched his lips travel down my neck, watched myself breathe his name, watched my hips push against his, and watched him break away from me at last. I felt his anguish as he strode over to the sideboard and gulped down the wine in a single draught, then turned to me and asked, "Why me? Why would you want me?" And I felt his despair when I replied, 

"I'm falling in love with you, Severus."

Tears rolled down my cheeks unheeded as I watched the drama play out in front of me. He enfolded me in his arms so tenderly, caressing me, knowing exactly how to play me in order to bring my passion to a crescendo. When I was spent, I observed him stand up straight and look down at me. I could feel the pain in his heart as he knew what he had to do, and I noticed the physical effects that the potion he had drunk was starting to have on him. 

I watched my other self take his lifeless manhood in my mouth, and knew that to him there was no feeling there, only a cold numbness that spread outwards from that area. His eyes, too, were numb, a curious sensation that called to my mind the effect of a local anaesthetic injected into each one. As I ceased my ministrations, and asked him what was wrong, I watched him reply and could feel his own cruel words cut into him like knives. The potion had numbed his body, not his heart, and he hated himself for the pain he was inflicting on me. 

I wept, then, just as his memory of me wept on the floor at his feet. But this time, I was weeping for Severus and not for myself. I watched myself run from his chambers, then turned back to him to discover what had happened next.

He leant on the table, his head bowed, long dark locks obscuring his face. His body shook violently as the effects of the potion wore off, and his shoulders heaved. Then the sound came from deep inside him, from the pit of his stomach, a guttural growl that rose in pitch and intensity until it issued from his mouth in an agonised "Nooooo!" and he drove his fist down on to the table so hard that it shook, despite its solidity. Then, sagging, he crossed over to his chair and slumped into it, his left hand covering his eyes, as a single tear rolled down his cheek. Waves of sorrow engulfed me and washed me away, back into the mist. Falling backwards out of the Pensieve, I stumbled onto my bed, and lay there for a long while. "Severus," I whispered, "I think I understand now. But I still think you were wrong."

             ************************************************************

September gave way to October, and Severus did not return. Dumbledore had advised me not to owl him, in case my messages were intercepted, and he did not owl me for the same reason. Encoding a message was considered too much of a risk, and so I was unable to send him any words of encouragement, or of love. I had to content myself with the knowledge that he was still able to send brief messages to Dumbledore, so that I knew he was all right. And, of course, I had the Pensieve. I visited him there daily, studying every line on his face, every contour of his naked body, standing so close to him that we would have touched, was I able to do so. I yearned for him, and loved him more each day. Sirius and Remus were keen that I should not spend too much time in there, however.

"You need to get on with your life, Ella," said Remus earnestly one day. "It isn't healthy to spend so much time in there. And besides, what will you have to talk to him about when he comes back?"

"Plenty, believe me!" I laughed.

"Oh come on, Remus, it'll be a while before they do any talking!" joked Sirius, continuing, "Not that he ever says that much _anyway_."

"We've spent hours talking!" I protested.

"Yeah, about work, I bet!"

"Well, mostly, I suppose…not that it has _anything_ to do with _you_, Sirius!" I added, punching him on the shoulder playfully. "I just wish he'd come home…"

The evenings were drawing in as Autumn progressed, and I took to spending the half hour before dinner at the top of the Astronomy tower, looking out across the rolling countryside and watching the sun set, and twilight encroach on the fields. I would gaze into the distance, fancying that if I just looked hard enough I would see him. 

"I really should stop mooning about like this, " I thought to myself as I walked around the battlements at the top of the tower until I could see Hogsmeade in the distance. "Heh, what would Severus think if he knew?" And I imagined him standing before me, hands on hips, saying acidly, 

"Don't you have anything better to do, woman? _Clearly_ my absence is not good for your concentration, is it?"

I smiled wistfully, and then noticed a large black dog running pell-mell towards Hogsmeade. I frowned. What was Sirius doing? I shrugged, deciding he must be working up an appetite for dinner, and turned away, descending the spiral staircase and heading down to the Great Hall. As I took my place I noticed that both the seats flanking Severus' empty one were also unoccupied. Sirius had evidently not returned yet, and Lupin was missing too. I felt vaguely uneasy. Remus was usually ravenous at this time of the month, and it wasn't like him to be late for a meal.

After about half an hour, when I had finished toying with my main course, the double oak doors of the Great Hall were flung open, to reveal Remus and Sirius, standing breathless and bowed while they supported between them the almost lifeless form of Severus Snape.


	8. Help Me, I'm Dying

Chapter 10

My hands covered my mouth, stifling my cry, and I sent my chair clattering to the floor as I ran between the long refectory tables towards the three men. I took Snape in my arms and cradled his head, crying "Oh, Severus, my love, what's happened to you?"

He sank to his knees as Remus and Sirius gently released him to me, and I knelt with him, supporting him, tears of relief streaming down my cheeks. Madam Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore came up behind me.

"We must take him to the hospital wing at once!" ordered Madam Pomfrey, and Dumbledore drew me gently away. 

"Come on my dear, we must let Poppy do her work. I fear he has been the victim of some powerful dark magic," he said gravely, pointing at the Dark Mark, which was clearly visible through Snape's torn robes. The mark was inky black, with a livid purple bruise spreading out from its centre, covering a large area of his left arm.

"What _is_ that?" I asked, horrified. 

"I don't know," admitted Dumbledore, "but it is sure to be Voldemort's work." 

We followed Remus and Sirius as they carried Severus to the hospital wing, his head lolling on his chest, arms draped slackly over their shoulders. Behind us the Great Hall erupted. The students were in a hubbub of chatter at the dramatic return of their potions master, and my unexpected reaction to his entrance.

"What does she see in him?" I overheard from a bemused Gryffindor as I followed anxiously behind.

In the infirmary, they laid him on the nearest bed, and I leant over him anxiously, stroking his cheek, noticing how thin he had become.

"Severus, can you hear me?"

"Ella…" he moaned softly, and opened his eyes. He looked at me, his eyes coal black with pain, and said, "I'm sorry."

"Shh, it's okay, I understand. You're here now, you're safe, and that's all that matters."

"No, not safe…dying…" he whispered, and drifted into unconsciousness again. I looked up at Madam Pomfrey in horror, and she blanched, ripping off his tattered robes to reveal that the lividity around the Dark Mark was spreading further, until it would soon cover his arm completely.

Dumbledore turned to Remus Lupin and said urgently, 

"Go to my office. Inform the Ministry. Tell them to get the best people from St Mungo's here _now_. Sirius, go to the Potions classroom, see what Severus has locked away. Poppy, check your pharmacy, please. Time, I fear, will be of the essence."

After everyone had sped off, I turned to the Headmaster, terrified.

"What can I do?" He put a hand on my shoulder and said gently,

"Give him the will to live, Ella," and with that he turned and hastened out of the infirmary.

I turned back to Severus, who looked as cold and lifeless as an effigy carved on some ancient sarcophagus, and was wracked by sobs. I leaned over him once more and kissed his colourless lips.

"Severus, I'm here. I'm still here," I repeated, murmuring quietly to him, telling him how much I loved him, and forgave him. He made no response to any of my declarations of love, but I carried on just the same, certain that somehow he could hear me.

 I climbed on to the bed next to him, moving his right arm so that I rested in the crook of it, my head upturned, gazing at his profile and kissing and stroking his cheek, neck and hair. Eventually I slung my leg across his and held him closely, breathing him in, listening to the slow, steady beat of his heart, watching the discolouration on his left arm spread slowly down to his fingertips, and up past his shoulder.

Hours passed, and I stayed with him, refusing to leave his bedside even when two eminent doctors from St Mungo's arrived. They examined him and shook their heads, talking to Madam Pomfrey in an undertone. Lupin and Black tried several potions and counter-spells over the next day, but nothing worked. The inexorable progress of the curse was slowed, but seemed unstoppable. Through it all, I was with him. I held his hand, stroked his chest, spoke to him of all the things we would do when he recovered (When, not if, I told myself). Comatose, he never responded, but I could not give up hope that he might know I was there.

Eventually, Dumbledore sat down opposite me with a heavy sigh. I had never seen him look so defeated, and so old.

"Ella, my dear, we have tried everything. We are at a loss. I believe that the only way to reverse the curse would be to use a very powerful counter spell-"

"Then use it!" I burst out, desperately.

"-But we would need to use the wand that cursed him. And we do not know where Voldemort is, since we can safely assume it was he who cast the spell. Severus may know, but he is in no position to tell us. Even if we found the wand and could disarm Voldemort of it, there is still no guarantee that we could make it work."

My heart sank and I realised what Dumbledore was trying to say to me. There was no hope, and my beloved Severus would die before my eyes.

I wept at last, silently, pressing his hand against my cheek as I rocked back and forth in my chair. The Headmaster drew the curtains around the bed, and left us alone. I climbed up on to the bed once more and held him close, crying bitter tears into his hair.


	9. Tell Me, What Else Is Magic For?

Chapter 11

When I awoke, it was dark in the infirmary and someone was tapping my shoulder gently. I turned groggily, but could see no one there. I was startled to hear a voice whisper,

"Please don't scream, Madam Pomfrey will hear you, and we aren't supposed to be here!" and then Harry and Hermione were standing next to me.

"An invisibility cloak!" I breathed. "But- what are you doing here?"

Hermione answered, "We needed to see Professor Snape for ourselves. Remus- I mean, Professor Lupin- told us that Voldemort has cursed him, and that no one can stop the curse from spreading. Is it really true?"

I nodded mutely.

"I bet Harry could help!"

"What?" I said, looking from one to the other.

"It's my wand," said Harry. "It's the brother to Voldemort's. Mr Ollivander told me. It's why I got away from Voldemort after Cedric died."

"If you think you can help, go to tell Dumbledore!"

"We've sent Ron already. We need Fawkes too," replied Hermione, matter-of-factly. "And we've been in the library today looking up the possible counter-spells."

"In the Restricted section? Remus and Sirius have already looked, they couldn't find anything." 

"It wasn't in _there_," she said smugly. "I don't think they know about the book I found it in. It's mentioned in the unabridged version of "Hogwarts; A History". I sometimes wonder whether I'm the only person ever to have read that book!"

Harry rolled his eyes, and then became serious.

"How is he anyway?" he asked, looking at his Potions master over my shoulder. I turned back to Severus and touched his shoulder gently.

"Not good," I replied. "I- I appreciate your doing this for him. He hasn't exactly been nice to you these last few years.

Harry smiled ruefully.

"I know. But he has helped save my life a couple of times. I should try and return the favour!  And he made me work so hard in Potions, I got brilliant O.W.L.S. in that subject. Besides," he continued soberly, "I think he…cared for my mother."

"He loved her, Harry. Even after she and your dad got together. I'm surprised Sirius hasn't told you before now."

"I wasn't supposed to know, apparently. But as soon as I found out, it all started to make sense."

Ron, Dumbledore and Fawkes, who was looking threadbare and forlorn, soon joined us.

"We must hurry, Harry, if this is to work. Fawkes is beginning to smoulder, and once he combusts will not provide the tear we need for the spell," Dumbledore said.

Reluctantly I left the bedside and went to stand outside the closed curtain with Ron and Hermione, and the newly arrived Lupin, Black and Madam Pomfrey. Harry and Dumbledore remained within, and I heard them both cry,

"Facere bonus contra mortis!"

There was a blinding flash of violet light, followed by a crackle, and then a low, guttural cry from Severus. I started towards the curtain, but Sirius stopped me, holding my arm, and I let him hold me close, comforting me silently.

 At last, Dumbledore opened the curtains and I saw Severus still on the bed, exactly as before.

"Did it work?" I asked breathlessly, my heart pounding.

"I believe it did, yes. Look, the lividity is receding slowly."

And sure enough, the ugly purple bruising had stopped its relentless march up his neck and across his chest, and was in retreat.

Sinking on to the chair with relief. I hid my face in my hands and breathed a deep, shuddering breath. Hermione knelt beside me and I hugged her tightly, looking up at Harry at last.

"Thanks, Harry," I said, his face beaming.

A short time later, when everyone else had been shooed away by Madam Pomfrey, and she had carried out her checks on Severus and pronounced herself satisfied, I climbed back on to the bed and propped myself up on my left elbow. He was warm to my touch now, and although he was still unconscious, I could tell he was going to be alright. I allowed myself an ironic smile as I realised how the tables were turned now. Now, he was being watched over by me instead of the other way round. Covering his face and chest with kisses, I curled up beside him, my arm holding him close, my fingers entangled in his hair.

He woke sometime the following afternoon. I had been standing at the window, watching broomstick practice on the front lawn. I heard him move, and groan softly. Moving quickly to his bedside, I leaned over him and said his name. He opened his eyes, frowning at me, and I began to laugh with relief.

"What, no smile for me, Severus?"

His frown deepened, and, licking his lips, he said, "Thirsty." I put a glass of water to his lips and he drank greedily before letting his head flop back onto the pillow.

"Have you been here all the time?" he asked. I stroked his cheek.

 "Where else would I go?"

He sighed heavily, and drew me down to him so that he could enfold me in his arms, my head resting on his chest. 

"I heard your voice, but I couldn't answer you," he said, his voice rasping and wheezy. "It was you, wasn't it, all the time? No-one else?"

"It was me."

"Hmm," he coughed. "You talk too much, then."

I laughed delightedly, my mouth pressed against his skin, his chest hair tickling my nose.

"You are aware of my feelings for you by now, I suppose?" he asked awkwardly, obviously unused to verbal declarations of love. I lifted my head so that I could look into his fathomless eyes.

"Very well aware, my love," I replied, kissing him tenderly. His arms gripped me tightly, crushing me to him, and I was amazed at his strength as he returned my kiss with a sweetness that took my breath away. Waves of love swept through me and I thought I would surely burst with joy and relief. At last, we broke apart and he said,

"I need to talk to Albus urgently."


	10. Reality's Dream

Chapter 12 

Reality's Dream

Clad in a dark green silk dressing gown, Severus Snape sat up in bed looking pale and drawn. Around the bed sat the Headmaster, Professors Black, Lupin and McGonagall, and me. He took a deep breath, and began to tell us what had happened to him since leaving me at the Leaky Cauldron. Every so often he would pause and look at me, and I would clasp his hand in encouragement.

 He had discovered Voldemort's whereabouts, he said, some years before, and had gone to him professing his allegiance. Over time, he had been certain that he had won Voldemort's trust, but then on his last visit to Voldemort's secret underground lair, Wormtail, egged on by Lucius Malfoy, had injected him with Veritaserum and tried to question him. Voldemort had punished Wormtail, but then something Severus had said while under the influence of the Veritaserum, along with an owl intercepted on its way from Hagrid to Madam Maxime, had planted a seed of doubt in Voldemort's mind. He had increased the dosage himself. Had it not been for the cumulative effect of the large amount of antidote that Severus had been taking for weeks, then the effect could have been fatal. As it was, Voldemort got Severus to confess to certain things. Severus looked at me meaningfully at this point, and reached out for my hand once more.

"So, what exactly was it that tipped Voldemort off?" asked Sirius.

Severus looked at him sourly.

"It was my own weakness, Black! That and Hagrid's stupidity."

"Severus?" I said, puzzled at his tone. He glanced at me quickly and squeezed my hand.

"I was…unable to fully conceal what had happened between me and Ella. He knew I was hiding something, and Hagrid's owl message was so indiscreet, mentioning us both by name- well, as soon as Voldemort found _that_ little nugget of information, he knew what to work on. My interrogation at his hands was…_thorough_…and, ultimately, fruitful." He fell silent, brooding. I felt sick to my stomach, imagining the torture he must have suffered.

"So, ah, he knows you are loyal to his enemies, and not to him?" asked Dumbledore.

"Yes," answered Severus, grimly.

"So why didn't he just kill you?" asked Sirius.

"Yes, you'd have liked that, wouldn't you, Black!" snapped Severus angrily.

"Severus, I think Sirius is only –"

"Oh _shut up_, Lupin!"

"Severus!" I admonished, and earned a surly "_Well_…" in return. He sighed, and continued,

"He thought it would be…amusing…to send me back to Hogwarts to die in front my- friends- who would know there was nothing they could do. He used- he used an enhanced version of the same potion I had used to make- to distance myself from Ella. He injected it directly into my Dark Mark to increase its potency. He found a certain symmetry in it; I used the potion to try to save Ella and myself, so he would use the same thing to destroy us. He found it most diverting," he finished, bitterly.

"And now I must speak privately with the Headmaster."

I stood up, reluctantly, and he put my hand to his lips, never taking his eyes from mine. I turned to go, and Remus put his arm around my shoulders companionably.

"Lupin!" Severus called after us in a dangerous tone, "Is there something I should know?"

Lupin stopped, rolled his eyes, and turned back, saying, 

"Yes, Severus, there is. You should know _better_ than to be _jealous_!"

The three Professors had lessons to teach, so I was left alone. I wandered around the hall, looking at the tapestries and chatting to a friendly Dutch nurse in one of the larger paintings. After a while, the Headmaster came out of the infirmary looking grave.

"He's sleeping now, Ella. He has told me much, and little of it good. Voldemort's power is growing, and I must speak with the Minister about what I have learned, as will Severus in due course." Shaking his head sadly, he took his leave.

                      **************************************************

I went back into the infirmary with a heavy heart. I didn't want the world to go back to what it had been sixteen years before, when we all lived in fear. But my mood lifted when I saw Severus sleeping. I felt selfish, but how could I worry about the world, when my entire world was lying in the bed in front of me? Curling up beside him in my usual position, I nestled against him and was more at peace than I had ever been.

I must have dozed off, because I awoke with a tickling sensation in the small of my back. Severus was stroking me there, so gently, and a wave of tenderness for him washed over me. I looked up at him, and saw that his eyes were closed and he was trying not to smile. 

"Severus, I do believe this is only the second time I've ever seen you smile!" I said, laughing.

"Ah, well, I was having the most wonderful dream."

"Of me?"

"No, I dreamt that Lupin and Black were being forced to drink one of Longbottom's potions," he smirked, crying out "Ow, that hurt!" as I punched him.

"Professor Snape with a sense of humour," I mused. "What would your students say?"

He raised his head and looked down at me.

"They'd better never find out!" he admonished, then leaned back on to his pillow. "Besides, what makes you think I'm joking? And - what _are_ you doing?" he asked as I stroked his chest and planted kisses all over his ribcage.

"Oh, I'm sorry, do you want me to stop?" I asked innocently, trailing my hand lower and unfastening his dressing gown slowly. His black eyes half closed, he murmured, "No, don't stop…."

So I began to do what I had longed for, dreamed of, for over a year. I leant over him, licking and sucking at his nipples while my hand reached under the bed sheet and ran lightly over his left hip, down his thigh. I scratched his inner thigh gently and felt the moan rise from deep in his chest before it issued from his mouth. My hand found his balls, cupping and squeezing them until he gasped and laced his fingers in my hair, pulling back my head until I was looking deeply into his eyes.

"What are you doing to me?" he said, hoarsely.

"Unfinished business," I whispered, finally grasping his hardness in my hand and rubbing my thumb gently across its glistening tip.

"Aaah!" he groaned, and I took that as my cue to move down the bed, my own desire brooking no further delay. As I lowered my mouth down on to him, I looked up to see his eyes closed, and his hands gripping each side of the bed. I licked the tip of his erection then took him in my mouth, sucking then licking, nipping gently, until he began to arch his back and cry out. Abruptly, I let him go, and sat up on the bed, gazing down at him.

"Aaah, you've stopped!" he gasped, plaintively. I grinned.

"I think that's enough excitement for one day, don't you?"

"No! Oh Ella, you witch, don't do this to me!"

"Beg me!" I told him, enjoying the power I had over him. "I want you to beg me. And be polite!"

"Oh, please don't stop. Please, I can't hold it in. Please, touch me again, I'll do anything!"

Exulting in my triumph I went down on him once more, stroking his balls while I scraped his shaft with my teeth then licked up and down. He reached down to me and held my head in his hands, pushing himself into my mouth with a guttural cry as he came, spurting as I sucked, shuddering with the force of his orgasm. My mouth did not relinquish its hold on him until it was over, and he lay prone on the bed, his breathing coming in ragged gasps. I felt a burning wetness between my legs but this was not the time or the place to consummate our passion, so I put it out of my head and crawled back up the bed, kissing my way up his sweat-sheened body until I reached his soft, warm lips.

"Oh, Ella," he murmured as we kissed, "I love you."

My heart lurched as I heard him say those words for only the second time, and I drew him to me so that he could rest his head on my chest, and sleep once more.

"For someone who finds it hard to share his feelings, you're doing remarkably well," I said softly as I kissed the top of his head.


	11. An Unexpected Song

Chapter 13

I have never felt like this  
For once I'm lost for words  
Your smile has really thrown me  
This is not like me at all  
I never thought I'd know  
The kind of love you've shown me

Now, no matter where I am  
No matter what I do  
I see your face appearing  
Like an unexpected song  
An unexpected song  
That only we are hearing

I don't know what is going on  
Can't work it out at all  
Whatever made you choose me  
I just can't believe my eyes  
You look at me as though  
You couldn't bear to lose me

Now, no matter where I am  
No matter what I do  
I see your face appearing  
Like an unexpected song  
An unexpected song  
That only we are hearing

(Don Black, Song And Dance)****

On the day that Severus decided to discharge himself from Madam Pomfrey's care I was helping Sirius in the Potions classroom as he taught a seventh year class. The lesson was nearly over when the classroom door swung open with a bang, and we were surprised to see Severus stride in. One pointed look from his black eyes told me that I was not to greet him in any obvious way in front of the students, so I simply raised an eyebrow and continued putting ingredients away with Hermione.

"Ah, Professor Snape, how nice to see you up and about!" Sirius greeted him, in a tone rather too obsequious to be sincere. I rolled my eyes at Hermione, and we tried not to giggle. Shooting a dark glance at us both, Severus said acidly,

"Would you be so kind as to tell me what you have been doing, Black? This is still _my_ classroom, I believe?"

"Just keeping it warm for you, Professor Snape. Isn't that right, Ella?" Sirius replied cheerily, winking at me ostentatiously. Severus bristled, and I shook my head, wondering why he always had to rise to the bait that Sirius delighted in laying. 

Mercifully, the bell rang to signal the end of the lesson, and Severus decided to take out his wrath on the students instead, barking

"Well, why are you all still sitting here? Get out of my classroom! Except for you, Potter and Weasley. And you too, Granger."

Severus stood uncomfortably next to his desk as the three students approached it.

"Mr Weasley, Miss Granger, I- er- just wanted to- thank you for all your hard work in trying to find the counter spell for Voldemort's curse. I appreciate your efforts."

Ron looked amazed to hear such a gracious apology from his irascible Potions master. Hermione looked very smug, and said, smiling,

"Being an insufferable know-it-all can have its uses, Professor!"

Severus looked at her inscrutably, but not unkindly, and said,

"Indeed." 

Then, turning, he said, "Thank you, Harry. I appreciate what you did. I believe I owe you my life," and he stretched out his hand to Harry and shook hands formally. Harry beamed at him and said, 

"You're welcome, Professor Snape!" earning a small stiff smile in return. I hugged Harry hard, and his godfather Sirius clapped him on the back with a "Well done, Harry!" as they left the classroom. 

Severus and I were alone at last. He came up behind me and brushed his lips against my hair, whispering "Ella…I want to- make _love_ to you. Now." as his arms snaked around my waist. I sank back against him, no longer trusting my legs to support me. He shivered and sighed, his breath hot in my hair. I leant my head against his chest, my cheek rubbing on the heavy fabric of his robes as I lifted my head to look at him. His eyes were darker than black, hooded with desire, and his hands reached up to cup my breasts through my robes, which had become too thick, too constricting. Nevertheless, I could feel his touch, and my nipples hardened as I felt the familiar tug deep inside that called to him whenever I was near him. 

He bent his head to kiss my lips, too briefly. Then with one fluid motion he had picked me up in his arms and was carrying me purposefully towards his office. He shut and locked the door behind us with a muttered locking charm, and, without breaking his stride, took me directly into his bedroom. 

He set me down and, with a wild look in his eyes that no doubt shone back at him from my own, he began to undress me. He slipped my robes from my shoulders and tossed them to one side. Then, he began to untie my blouse, greedily kissing every inch of bare flesh as he exposed it. I fumbled with the buttons on his clothing until I grew impatient at last and ripped them off, my reward being a deep chuckle from Severus and the sight of his bare, muscular shoulders, which I kissed and bit as he did mine. 

My desire for him was white-hot, the wetness between my legs soaking my thin panties, and I gasped as he removed them deftly and ran his hands, fingers splayed, slowly up and down my spine and over the contours of my body. His own arousal strained against the fabric of his trousers and boxers, and he uttered a deep groan as I released it, its tip already crowned with a glistening white pearl.

 As I leaned against one of the bedposts at the foot of the bed, he lifted me so that my arms were around his neck, and I wound my legs round his waist, desperate to be filled, as he impaled me. I cried out his name, arching my back as my body accommodated his full length, grinding myself against him as he held me tightly, sweating, breathing my name with each thrust. Sweet release would be such a relief for us both.

The white heat of our passion had been a flame for so long that its incandescence consumed us quickly. His thrusts grew faster, and I met each with one of my own, screaming out his name as I came, waves of sensation overwhelming me, heat spreading outwards from my core, my internal muscles spasming, massaging Severus' erection as he too reached his climax, pumping into me time and time again until he was spent, as we clung together mindlessly as our bodies found their release at last.

Sweating and trembling, and still inside me, Severus carried me round to the side of the bed, slipping out with a sigh as he lay me gently on the green counterpane. I felt hollow, empty without him inside me, and when he lay down next to me we wrapped ourselves around one another, unable to get close enough.

As I lay nestled in his arms, my face against his chest, breathing him in, he kissed the top of my head, stroking my sweat-dampened hair. After a while I pulled away from him slightly in order to look up at him. I needed to see his face, to be sure he wasn't preparing to cast me aside as he had done all those months before. All the answer I needed was in his eyes, limpid black pools of endless longing, hoping, and love.

"I could drown in your eyes," I murmured, smiling at myself for using such an old cliché. He closed his eyes, the frown line deepening between them. "I know, too soppy. Mmmm. Forget I spoke," I said, pulling him closer, running my foot up and down his leg. He looked at me intently.

"It isn't that," he answered softly. "I just- I'm not accustomed to this." He sighed, gently tracing my jaw line with his fingers as I gazed into his eyes. "I still don't know what you see in me."

I stretched luxuriantly as I smiled,

"Apart from your intelligence, your strength, your wit, your undeniable physical charms? Can't imagine…" and I was silenced by his kiss. 

We kissed for a very long time, until our lips were sore and swollen and our heads were drunk on one another. Eventually his muscular arms, which had been enfolding me so tenderly, crushed me to him, and his hips shifted to press closer to mine so that I could feel his arousal growing against my thighs. My tongue continued to caress his, exploring his mouth and his teeth, retreating to allow his to do the same, his hands running all long my spine sending a tingling anticipation from the small of my back to my every nerve ending. I shivered, reaching to his head, my hand at the nape of his neck, his hair between my fingers, pulling him closer all the time. He moaned softly and moved on top of me, his knee pushing my legs further apart, his mouth now leaving mine to kiss his way down my neck, and further down, until one of my aching nipples was in his mouth. I gasped, my fingers still entangled in his hair, looking down as he sucked and licked it until the pulling between my legs was so intense I thought I wouldn't be able to hold back any longer. I pulled his head back by his hair and pushed him off me forcefully, the surprise in his black eyes quickly replaced by a smouldering look, lips parted, as he realised what I was about to do. 

I straddled him, leaning over him so my long hair brushed his chest, and I impaled myself on him, gasping "Ah!" as he filled me completely. His hands on my hips, he let out a cry and held me there, motionless, for a long moment, as we drank in the passion in each other's eyes. He was sweating, his hair plastered to his face, breathing in heavy, ragged gasps through moist, parted lips. Slowly I pushed myself up, until I was kneeling astride him. I tensed the muscles inside myself once, twice, three times, and each time he arched his back and moaned, pushing up against me.

I slapped him across his face, sharply and hard. He cried out,

"Ow! What was that for?…Aaah!", his indignant complaint turning to another groan of pleasure as I gripped him inside me once more.

"That's for making me wait a whole year for this," I hissed, and his lips curled back in an exultant grin.

"Show me how annoyed you are!"

"You want me to hit you again?"

"No, I want you to do what you do after hitting me!"

"Well then, I'm annoyed. I'm very annoyed," I said huskily, grinding up and down on him as I spoke, watching his chest heave and his face contort with pleasure, feeling his stiffness massage me inside as we thrust against each other, slippery with sweat and lust. 

And then we could hold back no longer, and I felt the seed of pleasure inside me begin to bloom, then blossom, spreading and growing until my whole body was alight with a sweet agony so intense, so exquisite, that I could hardly bear it, and I was rocked up and down by his hands, still on my hips, as he too reached his climax, groaning and calling my name as I cried out in joy.

When it was over, I collapsed on to him, feeling him subside inside me as his heartbeat, pounding in my ear, slowed to a steadier rhythm. At last he rolled us over until he was looking down at me, and said in a low voice,

"Next time, I'm in charge! I'll make you pay for this," pointing to his reddened cheek, "in ways so sweet your screams will echo through the castle!" 

Smiling widely, we kissed once more.


	12. You've Already Won Me Over, in Spite Of ...

**Chapter 14**

It was much later when I awoke. The room was illumined in candlelight, and Severus had evidently magicked us under the crisp white sheets while I slept. He was sleeping soundly, and I watched his chest rise and fall steadily. One arm was flung above his head, the other stretched out towards me. We had drawn apart in our sleep, but I didn't want to risk waking him up by returning to his embrace. I contented myself with gazing at his sleeping form for a while, his long, lean body outlined by the sheets. The flickering candlelight cast dancing shadows around the room, playing on his face, calm in repose, highlighting his noble features and bringing into relief his high cheekbones, made too sharp by Voldemort's hand.

I sighed, and slipped silently off the bed, padding into the bathroom and closing the door.

Several minutes later I was relaxing in Severus' huge claw-footed bath tub, up to my neck in a delicious concoction of bath oil and bubbles which were scented with bergamot and citrus. I stretched languorously and smiled to myself as I looked across at the shower, remembering watching Severus in it, and I imagined reliving that scene for real, as a participant instead of a frustrated observer

I heard the bed in the next room creak, and his voice called 

"Ella? _Ella_!"

Before I could answer, the door to the bathroom was flung open and a naked Severus stood before me, hair askew, panic in his eyes.

"Oh, you're in here," he said, composing himself. "I thought you'd gone," he complained. "I woke up and you weren't there."

"You won't get rid of me that easily. Especially not now!" I smiled as I sat up. "Come on, get in with me."

He sat on the edge of the bath, trailing his hand in the water.

"I don't usually take baths, and this one's very…_bubbly_," he muttered distastefully.

"Yes, you prefer cold showers, don't you?" I smiled.

He gave me a penetrating look.

"Ah, the Pensieve. Did, er, did you like it?"

"I used it every day while you were away. Now get in before I pull you in."

He raised an eyebrow, and soon he was sitting between my legs, leaning on me, up to his chin in bubbles and resting his head on my chest as I stroked his hair.

"See, it's nice, isn't it?" I said softly as he began to relax.

"I suppose so. Since _you're_ here. Otherwise it's a spectacular waste of my time," he grumbled.

"You're incorrigible, d'you know that?" I laughed. "Don't ever change!"

He twisted his head to look up at me, perplexed.

"But I _am_ changed. _You're _changing me. I'm used to solitude, not sharing. This isn't like me at all, it's like- oh, I don't know, waking up!"

"Well, don't go getting soft on everyone- save it for me!"

Our lovemaking had given us both raging appetites, so we decided to join the rest of the school for dinner that evening. After towelling one another dry with huge green bath sheets, trying hard not to get too sidetracked and end up back in bed, we dressed, and eventually made it to the Great Hall through the secret passage at a run, emerging by the staff table panting and dishevelled. An extra place had been laid between Remus and Sirius, so that Severus and I could sit together. A hush descended on the Great Hall as the students noticed our entrance, and Dumbledore took the opportunity to announce,

"I think we would all like to take the opportunity to welcome our Potions master back to the land of the living!" leading a round of genuine applause form the students and staff.

Severus started to look slightly sick, and reacted to Remus' hearty slap on the back with a flinch and a rather tight-lipped smile.

"Ella, get me out of here!"

"Not a chance!"

"Why did we come here tonight?"

"We were hungry!"

"Well, I seem to have lost my appetite!" he hissed, as the applause died down.

"That's funny, Snape, you look to me like you've just _found_ your appetite!" winked Sirius, earning a sour look in return.

I reached under the table surreptitiously and stroked his thigh. He leant towards me and whispered, 

"Stop it, we're being watched. Miss Granger."

"Her and the rest of the school, Severus. Face it, everyone knows about us now. Your credibility's flown out the window" I said happily.

"Hmph," he said, but I saw a faint smile play around his lips.

I looked across to the Gryffindor table to see Hermione, the Head Girl, looking back at us. Except, no, she wasn't looking at me, or Severus…she looked pensive, a little sad, and I realised she was looking at Remus Lupin! Was he the forbidden fruit she had been referring to a year ago, when she'd found me in the library? I felt for her, and wondered why I'd never recognised it before.

As the hall was emptying after dinner, I turned to Severus and said,

"You look tired. You need to rest. Madam Pomfrey doesn't look pleased with you at all."

Paler than usual, Severus nodded in agreement.

"Get a good night's sleep, and I'll see you in the morning."

"What? Wait a minute, where are you going?" he asked, indignant.

"Well, back to my rooms, of course"

"_Of course_!" he repeated, outraged.

"Listen to me," he muttered in an undertone, gripping my arm tightly and drawing me towards him, "the only place you're going is back to _my_ rooms with _me_. Understand? I don't intend to spend the night alone, and I'm surprised _you_ find the prospect so appealing!"

"Severus, you're hurting me," I said calmly, "and you can stop talking to me as if I'm one of your students. Go to bed, I'll still be here when you wake up tomorrow, Now, goodnight," and I reached up to kiss him briefly before leaving him behind me, speechless with surprise, Remus and Sirius trying not to snigger.

Hermione reached the door just as I did, and as she looked back at the trio she said to me,

"I bet that wasn't easy!"

I smiled. She was mature beyond her years, and always so knowing.

"No, it wasn't, but it's for his own good."

"And not just his physical well-being, either, I'll bet! You want to assert yourself, don't you?"

I stared at her, amazed.

"And how did _you_ get to know so much about men?"

She looked back through the doors once more, to where Lupin still sat.

"It's all theory. I just wish I could put it into practice."

I drew her into an alcove in the entrance hall where there hung a large tapestry with a bench underneath.

"Does Professor Lupin know how you feel?"

She looked at me in surprise.

"No! I mean, yes, I think he does. He arranged it so that I don't have any classes with him this year. Being Head Girl, I think maybe he doesn't want me to make a fool of myself, mooning over him in class."

I smiled and said,

"Or maybe it's the other way round, and he didn't want a pupil-teacher relationship with you any more, now you're of age. You are seventeen now, aren't you?"

She looked up at me, eyes widened, and said,

"So in six months, when I leave Hogwarts, he thinks I might be able to look at him as someone to go out with, rather than my old teacher?"

"Maybe!" I smiled.

Pleased with myself, I went back to my rooms and readied myself for bed. I slipped on the blue satin nightgown into which Madam Pomfrey had changed me in Severus' chambers, and brushed my hair. I had a feeling I would not be on my own for very long that night, and so I left my door unlocked and got into bed.

Sure enough, after a very short time, the door was opened silently and Severus crept in. Disrobing without a word, for he thought I was asleep, he climbed into bed beside me and held me close, sighing deeply as he buried his face in my hair as it spread out on the pillow at my back. Snuggling into his warm embrace, I covered his hand with mine as it rested on my breast, and I listened to his breathing as it became heavy, and he slept.

I woke early the following morning, and I savoured the sensation of his hot breath on my neck as he slept on. His body, pressed against mine, felt warm and smooth, and his arm was still clasped around me, cupping my breast. I didn't want to move. However, I wanted to catch Remus at breakfast before his classes started, to sound him out about Hermione and make sure I hadn't been on completely the wrong track the night before.

Severus stirred as I slid from his embrace, rolling on to his stomach and pressing his face into my pillow.

"However will you breathe?" I thought fondly as I gazed at his unruly black hair, which covered all of his face, apart from his now opened mouth, and his broad back. I knew he was naked underneath the sheets, and I was sorely tempted to climb back into bed and wake him up, but instead I continued to dress, and congratulated myself on my self-control. I scribbled a quick note and left it next to him in the pillow, and slipped out, closing the door silently behind me.


	13. Open Wide The Floodgates

Chapter 15 

Open Wide The Floodgates…

**__**

Remus was, as usual, tucking in to a hearty full Scottish breakfast, including porridge and kippers, when I arrived in the Great Hall, and he greeted me warmly.

"So, how long was it before Severus joined you last night?" he asked ingenuously as I sat down beside him.

"Oh, about fifteen minutes," I smiled.

"You win, Sirius!" he said, tossing a silver sickle across me to Sirius who pocketed it smugly.

"Remus! I can't believe you were taking bets!" I said, appalled.

"It wasn't me, it was his idea!"

Sirius winked at me and said,

"It was easy money, Ella. Remus is a soft touch and Severus is just so damn predictable!"

"I'm glad _you_ think so," I said, unconvinced. Severus' behaviour since I'd known him had been anything but predictable.

"He was speechless at you last night!" Sirius continued gleefully as he poured me a large goblet of pumpkin juice. "His face as you left was a picture! When he saw you meant business, he stormed off back to his dungeon! I got the impression he wouldn't stay there long, he was muttering something about not letting you get the upper hand!"

I laughed in spite of myself, and turned back to Remus, who was gazing wistfully across the room to where Hermione was sitting. She caught him looking and smiled warmly, blushing. I noticed Remus' ears turn pink, and decided I didn't need to talk to him about Hermione after all.

Just then I heard a familiar swishing of robes behind me, and the chair next to mine was scraped back noisily. Severus met my warm smile with a face as black as thunder, sat down next to me and said in a low voice,

"Is _this_ how it's going to be? My chasing you all over the school like a lovesick fool, never knowing whether or not you'll be there when I wake up?"

"I don't know, Severus," I said, looking at him, all frowns and irritation, and feeling desire tug at me once more, "How would you _like_ it to be?

"I want you to come with me to the dungeons. _Now_!" he spat, "Unless you think I need more sleep!"

I looked him up and down, enjoying the angry fire in his eyes, and said mischievously,

"You look _very_ well rested to me, love."

"Then will you come?"

I raised an eyebrow suggestively and saw his eyes glint, and his sensual lips curl slightly in a smile. I leaned over until my lips touched his ear, and whispered,

"As often as you want to make me…"

His eyes burned into mine and I shivered, drawing back, yet still unable to resist adding,

"…Just as soon as I've finished my breakfast."

Open-mouthed and admitting defeat, he sat back in his chair with a sigh.

"Woman, will you not take pity on me?"

I was virtually frogmarched down to the dungeons, Severus gripping my arm tightly and rushing me along the gloomy corridors, barking "Shut up!" at any paintings that dared to greet him. When we reached his rooms at last, he locked the door and turned to me, his desire evident in his expression.

"I want to make myself perfectly clear. I do not want any repetition of what happened last night in future. Do you understand?"

"Perfectly, Severus. But it was for your own good."

"I'll be the judge of that," he answered, as he slipped my robes from my shoulders and removed my sweater and trousers slowly and reverently, moving his hands up and down my body as he drank me in. When at last I was standing naked before him, shivering with want for him, he scooped me up in his arms masterfully.

"At last! Now, I believe it's _my_ turn to be in charge, isn't it?" he said with a triumphant gleam in his eyes. He carried me through into the bedroom beyond his office, flinging me on to the bed, where I lay flushed with excitement and wondering what he had in store for me. His eyes glittered, and he smirked as velvet cords snaked from each of the four bedposts and knotted themselves around my ankles and wrists. Surprised, and aroused, I pulled against my restraints and said,

"I'll scream!"

"Oh, you'd better! I shall be very displeased if you don't!" he smiled lasciviously, and bent over me, kissing me deeply, his hair brushing my face. I wanted to embrace him, but was powerless to break free of my bonds. His tongue licked my lips, and then travelled down my neck behind my ear. I could feel his hot breath on my cheek and it sent delicious shivers down my spine. I moaned, and he chuckled softly as he nuzzled my ear with his nose.

Then, moving his hands down my body, his fingers found my nipples, brushing over them with the lightest of touches until I turned my face to his and pleaded, "Severus…"

He gazed into my eyes longingly, but simply said in a mocking tone, 

"I'm in charge now, Ella," and stood up, walking across the room away from me. I voiced my disappointment, but he was simply removing his wand from his robes and performing a soundproofing charm on the room. He came back to the side of the bed and I strained against my restraints, wanting to reach out and pull him to me. He looked down at me, impassive except for the fire in his eyes, and slowly, methodically, began to undress. He was teasing me, I knew, and he couldn't prevent a slow smile from spreading across his face as I devoured him with my eyes. At last, he was naked except for a pair of green silk boxers, which did little to hide his arousal. Slowly, never taking his eyes from mine, he removed them too, then climbed on to the bed, and lay down just inches from me. I ached for him, wanting to feel his smooth skin against mine, my desire for him hot, and my body desperate for his touch. 

He put his hand to my face, so close that the downy hairs on my cheeks were almost brushed by it. Almost, but not quite. Propping himself up on one elbow, and watching my every reaction closely, he let his hand travel down to my shoulder, then further to my breast, never quite touching my skin no matter how much I strained and arched my back to reach it.

"Severus, please!" I sobbed urgently, earning no response other than a slight smile from his parted lips. When I thought I could take no more, the building pressure between my legs unbearable now, he climbed on to all fours and straddled me, saying 

"Corpus leviosa!"

All of a sudden I was floating an inch or two above the bed, still tethered, my chest and stomach pressed against his as I rose. With one hand he supported himself while the other stroked up and down my spine, tickling in a deliciously erotic way until I was crying out for him to stop. His face brushed mine, our cheeks and noses rubbing one another's faces, but no matter how I struggled, I could not catch his lips for a desperately craved kiss. I could feel his manhood as it explored the dark hairs guarding the entrance to my most secret place, and I thrust my hips as far as my restraints would allow, pleading with him to enter me.

He looked down at me eventually, eyes smoky, clouded with passion, and said huskily,

"I don't think you're ready yet," and moved down the bed. I moaned and writhed, needing to feel his arms holding me, his fingers caressing me, his arousal filling me. But instead, he positioned himself almost at the foot of the bed, murmuring,

"How much do you want me?" before darting his tongue quickly inside my most secret place. I screamed "Ah!" and he did it once more, then placed his mouth over my sex and began to suck and nibble at me, his nose buried deep between my thighs. I screamed out his name, "Severus! Ah! Severus!" and his hands gripped my bucking hips tightly, forcing me to be still. I was beside myself with want and need and the pleasure was becoming unbearable. Just when I thought I could stand no more, and yet at the same time wanting it to go on forever, he stopped, and moved back up the bed until his face was level with mine once more.

"How much do you want me now?" he repeated, his manhood insinuating itself into my velvet folds.

"Oh Severus, I want you, oh please, _please_," I begged, my breathing ragged with desire. 

"I still don't think you're ready yet," he teased softly, "because you aren't sorry about last night…"

"I _am_, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I gasped as he sucked and fondled my aching nipples once more.

"…And you must promise never to do that to me again…"

"I _do_! I promise! Just- just- _Ah_!" 

I cried out as he thrust into me quickly, burying himself up to the hilt, his weight pushing my body back down on to the bed. Suddenly the bonds on my wrists and ankles were gone, leaving me free to wrap myself around him and cling on to him with all my might as he pistoned in and out of me, deeper and deeper with each thrust. His eyes were closed now, an expression of bliss on his face as he made love to me. I felt the heat growing between my legs and returned each of his thrusts with one of my own, moving my hips around in a circular motion, making him groan with pleasure. All I was aware of now was the feel of his skin against mine.

We seemed to go on for a very long time, each of us trying now to keep our passion in check in order to prolong the experience for the other, but at last Severus gazed down at me and almost sobbed,

"Oh, Ella…" and as we looked through one another's eyes deep into our souls, we felt the intensity rising, ever rising, until we were holding on to each other so tightly as our climaxes exploded, spreading outwards from our very cores, and we were crying out each other's names, over and over, until it was finished. We lay motionless, shattered by the sweetness of our union, the only movement the pounding of our hearts. Severus lay across me, his face buried in my neck, my arms and legs still wrapped around him, my hand tangled once more in his hair. His body was wracked with tremors and I stroked his back wordlessly, calming him. Minutes passed before either of us moved. 

It was Severus who broke the spell first, sliding off me until he was lying by my side, arms still around me tightly. He planted gentle kisses all over my face, then looked into my eyes, saying solemnly,

"Will you stay with me?"

I nodded mutely and my eyes filled with tears. Tears that this proud, lonely man could open himself up to me so completely, make himself as vulnerable as he appeared to me now, asking such a question behind the question. I knew that I was giving him the answer he wanted. Yes, I would stay with him. For as long as he wanted me to.

           *********************************************************************8

We spent the next few weeks in a haze of passion, sleep and food. Severus' recuperation from his ordeal at Voldemort's hands was psychological as well as physical, and he would often wake in the night screaming and sweating, coping with it alone at first, as he had had to do for so many long years. But as time went on, and I shared his bed each night, he began to crawl closer into my arms to escape his demons. Although he was still as intense as ever, as our love grew so did his good humour. Behind closed doors, that is. To everyone else, little had changed. He still strode around Hogwarts glaring at any students who got in his way. When he was well enough to teach again, he still terrorised his classes. He still scowled at Sirius and Remus at every opportunity while they, in turn, teased him mercilessly about me. 

But he would close the door to his rooms after a lesson, come to me and sweep me off my feet, kissing me with such exultation and intensity that it made my heart feel like it would burst with love for him. For a while, we were happy. Then came December.


	14. And Let Love Fill Your Soul

Chapter 16 

**_…And Let Love Fill Your Soul_**

****

December came quickly, and the first snows of the winter began to fall on Hogwarts. One windy morning Severus and I awoke to find snow flurries beating against the windowpanes of his bedroom, dimly illuminating the room in shades of grey. We lay together watching them, my back pressed against his chest, his arms around my waist, holding me close, one hand cupping my breast. I could feel his breathing in my ear as he nuzzled close in my hair. We often awoke like this, after seeking one another out while we slept, and I would feel like I was melting against him every time he gently stroked his thumb over my nipple with a sigh.

"What are you doing today?" he murmured sleepily.

"Oh, nothing much. Seeing Hermione this morning, I think. I promised her I'd go to the kitchens with her for a coffee, see if we can make our own without the house elves interfering."

Severus snorted derisively,

"She never gives up, does she?"

I smiled, used to such remarks.

"Oh yes, and when are you going to sort out the store cupboard?"

"You sure you trust me to?"

"Well, yes! Not that it'd _need_ tidying if Black hadn't messed it up…"

"How about this afternoon? Hermione's come up with a much more organised way to keep it."

He lifted his head from the pillow, annoyance creeping in to his voice.

"I don't need a seventh year girl running my life, thanks! Particularly not _that_ one!"

"It's only a cupboard, Severus! I won't, then, if you don't want me to, but you've been complaining about it often enough, so…"

"I never complain!" he objected, turning me to face him, frowning into my eyes. I looked at him questioningly.

"Oh, go on then. Let her interfere. I trust _you_ to do a halfway decent job."

"Oh, thanks!"

"It would be…helpful. And- appreciated."

I kissed him deeply, feeling his angular body yield into mine, his limbs enclosing me.

"But remember, Ella, I have lessons all day today. I'll be in class while you're tidying. You'd better not…_distract_ me."

"You can always steal in for a kiss…" I murmured, my lips against his.

"Mmm…" he said, stroking my back delicately so that I shivered deliciously.

"…I'm sure Hermione wouldn't mind."

He froze, and looked at me in disbelief.

"She'll be there too? Oh, dammit, Ella!" he growled, and I laughed as I reached down to guide his early morning hardness towards my soft inner folds. He cried out "Ah!" as he entered me, his frown replaced by an expression of pure bliss as we held each other close. Then he began to rock his hips, slowly and rhythmically, eyes hooded and glazed with passion as they gazed into mine. We drank one another in, barely even blinking, and it felt to me as if we were in a dream, a trancelike state, almost mystical. I wrapped my left leg higher around his waist, pushing my pelvis closer against his until the friction caused by our gentle movements became unbearably sweet. I felt heat well up in me and spread, slowly at first, then faster, until I dug my fingernails into his shoulders and pulled him even closer, moaning "Severus" against his mouth, flicking my tongue over his lips until he pressed them onto mine and answered me hungrily. His thrusts quickened, and soon we were both panting one another's names as we climaxed, holding on tight while our passion overtook us in waves, leaving us breathless and trembling.

We lay still for a while, tangled together, Severus' lips pressed against my forehead now, his light morning stubble scratching my nose as he spoke.

"You're spending a lot of time with Miss Granger these days," he observed, his words muffled.

"I like her. We have a lot in common."

"Hah! Really? She's very young."

"Young enough to be my daughter, yes, I know, but she doesn't seem it."

"Do you talk to her about _us_?"

"She's your pupil, Severus, of course I don't. Then again, I don't need to. She knows how we both feel."

"Hmph. I don't like that."

"Why?"

"The whole school will think I've gone soft."

"I doubt it…"

"Well, she'd better be discreet! You must remember, I have a – position to maintain here…"

"She is discreet, but we're hardly a secret!"

"That's not the point," he grumbled.

"But I do talk about relationships with her. Did you know about Remus?"

"What about him?"

"She's in love with him."

"Really? Why? He's a bloody werewolf!"

"And he's lovely," – Severus snorted at this – "_And_ he doesn't try to terrify anyone, unlike some people I could mention!"

"_Well_. Anyway, I suppose that explains things."

"Hmm?"

"Always so damned protective of her, and rearranging her classes, too. I couldn't see why he needed to do that at the time, but it looks like he has more foresight than I give him credit for…" he sighed, stroking my back and kissing my forehead. "Well, she's of age now. Seventeen, isn't she? I _suppose_ she'd be as good for him as anyone. She can learn how to make him that blasted Wolfsbane potion instead of me, she's more than capable."

"Oh, and you always give her such a hard time!"

"So? She's fulfilling her potential, isn't she?"

"What, you mean you're horrid to people for their own good?"

"I am who I am, Ella. That's all."

Being a seventh year, Hermione had no classes timetabled that day, so she and I talked all morning, sitting at one end of the long table in the kitchens while the house elves busied themselves around us. I was glad that she was able to confide in me, as I felt quite protective of her. I was beginning to think of her as being like the younger sister I never had. We then spent the afternoon reorganising the Potions storeroom while I used my sometimes-rusty knowledge of potions-making to test her on hers, which was far superior.

We were obviously a distraction for Severus, who kept leaving his class in order to come and check on what we were doing, glaring at Hermione each time he came in until at last she said,

"Excuse me while I go to dispose of these old bottles" and left us alone, giving Severus a sunny smile as she left.

Severus came over to me and enfolded me in his arms, wrapping his robes around me possessively.

"This isn't working, Ella. I can't concentrate, what are you _doing_ in here?" he complained. "What are you _talking_ about? Why does that girl keep _smiling_ at me?"

"Because you keep frowning at her, of course, and she knows exactly why! Honestly, Severus, you really should learn to read people better!"

He looked affronted.

"Why would I want to do that? I can read people well enough to know when they're up to something, and anything else is irrelevant! You're the only person I need to understand. Or want to."

He pressed his hand into the small of my back, making my head tilt back so that he could lean down for a lingering kiss. His tongue explored my mouth, delicately, and his free hand moved round to cup my breast, making me shiver and sigh into his mouth. Eventually we heard footsteps approaching and Severus jumped away from me guiltily, stalking out of the storeroom and back to his class, flushed and dishevelled. I leaned against the shelves and hugged myself. I could hardly wait for the evening to come.

As Hermione came in I straightened, and heard a clatter behind me as some small vials toppled over. There were three of them, and thanks to the Pensieve I recognised them as being the three that Severus had put away the previous year when he had driven me away. I shuddered, not wanting to be reminded of such unhappy times, and I poured their contents down the corner sink, rinsing them thoroughly before discarding them, wondering why Severus had bothered to keep them at all.

Hermione and I had noticed that some of Severus' supplies were running low, so later on that day we went to see Professor Sprout in the greenhouses, to see if she could replenish his stocks.

"Hmm," she said, perusing our list while wiping her hands on her overalls, "I can give you everything except for the firecracker weeds, I've been feeding them to the mandrakes and I need some more myself. I know there are some growing in the forest, a little way in…Hagrid should know where to find them. Oh, and only get the big ones, and mind you leave the roots…"

                  **********************************************************

We had agreed to meet the next afternoon during Hermione's free period to go and find some of the firecracker weeds. It had snowed again in the night, and we trudged along the lawn with some difficulty, since the snow was new fallen and powdery. Severus had warned me to look out for hidden tree roots, saying dryly,

"Since I won't be in the forest to rescue you this time." 

He had kissed me deeply, looking searchingly into my eyes as we said goodbye, and now I felt warmed through by his love, glowing with contentment as we walked.

"I really envy you," mused Hermione, trying to hold her cloak up out of the snow. "You seem so happy."

We had spent much of the previous day talking about Remus, and I knew he was on her mind again.

"It'll happen for you too, when the time's right."

She smiled ruefully.

"Yes, but when will that be?"

There was no answer when we knocked at the door of Hagrid's hut. Smoke came from his chimney from the remnants of a fire in the hearth, but Hermione looked in at his window and confirmed he wasn't there. We walked around the back, past the paddock, and saw large footprints alongside those of Fang, disappearing into the forest a little further down.

"Oh well, I know more or less where to look," I said. "The tips of the weed should be visible above the snow. And there shouldn't be too much snow on the forest floor anyway. Let's go and get it over with, then we can go back to the school for some hot chocolate."

We ventured in a little way, scanning the ground for any sight of the distinctive red-tipped leaves of the firecracker weeds, but could see none. We went in further, towards a small grove that I remembered Professor Sprout describing to me. Then in the distance I saw something white, advancing towards us through the trees. I felt a sudden chill steal over my soul, and I reached out to take Hermione's arm, whispering

"Look, there's someone there!"

We withdrew our wands, and as the man drew closer I could see he was white haired, and clad in a cloak of white ermine.

"Lucius Malfoy!" whispered Hermione, and I froze.

"Hello there!" he called as he approached, a smile on his face like a mask. "Well, if it isn't Professor Snape's little librarian friend! And Miss Granger, your delightful companion!"

Hermione's eyes narrowed.

"Mr Malfoy, what are you doing here?" I answered, as calmly as I could.

"Oh, just a social call," he replied disingenuously. "I came to show you this!" and with movement so preternaturally swift we were powerless to defend ourselves, he drew his wand from his cloak and yelled,

 "Expelliarmus! Expelliarmus!" at both of us, one after another, our wands flying from our hands to his as we flew backwards. I hit the ground with some force, groaning in pain as my back hit a large boulder, winding me for a moment. When I could catch my breath I looked over to where Hermione lay, at the foot of a tree, seemingly unconscious.

Malfoy stood over me, grinning cruelly.

"Two for the price of one! My master _will_ be pleased!" he drawled. I tried to move, anger and fear flooding through me, but I couldn't. He laughed derisively and took my arm, dragging me through the snow across to where Hermione lay. That done, he took out a small wooden box from his cloak and opened the lid, activating the Portkey therein.

"Oh no! Severus!" I thought as we were swept away into nothingness.


	15. Magic All Around You

**Chapter 17**

Magic All Around You

I tumbled out of the void on to a plateau of bare rock. Behind me was a sheer cliff face, in front of me a desolate area the size of two Quidditch pitches, then presumably a sheer drop beyond. 

Looking to my left, I saw Hermione, groggily coming to and retching painfully. Malfoy was nowhere to be seen. I crawled over to her, trying to ignore the pain in my back, which shot hot fingers of agony along my shoulder blades.

"Hermione!" I urged. "Hermione, are you okay?"

"Mmph," she groaned, slowly opening her eyes and pushing herself up on her elbows. "My head hurts…sick…"

"I know. Concussion, probably. You hit a tree."

"Where are we?"

"I don't know," I said grimly, "But we have Malfoy to thank."

"That's _Mr_ Malfoy to you, Halfblood" an icy voice drawled, and I turned to find him standing over us. "Get up, I need to prepare you to meet my master."

I simply glared at him and made no move. He sighed theatrically, taking out his wand and saying,

"Corpus Manaculum!" and I flew backwards to the rock face behind me, hitting the rock wall with a crack that sent more screaming agony across my back. Metal shackles attached themselves to my wrists and ankles. I was powerless, and watched as he did the same to Hermione, her head lolling on her chest as she passed out once more.

"Ah, that's better!" he said smugly, and, taking an exaggerated bow, said "Excuse me, ladies!" and disapparated.

I struggled to get my breathing under control as the pain in my back slowly subsided to a dull, throbbing ache. After several painful minutes I felt sufficiently recovered to fully take stock of my surroundings. The place was deadly silent and completely barren. The air was still and there was no wind, although there were clouds roiling in the sky, as if a storm was at hand. 

I looked for a sign of the sun behind the clouds, in order to help me get my bearings, but there was no sun. And there were no shadows. The light was flat, dead somehow, and I began to suspect that far from being high on a mountainside somewhere, as had been my initial impression, we were in fact outside of the real world, and outside of time, too, perhaps. In limbo. In a world of Voldemort's creation, and with no way out that I could see.

I screwed up my eyes and wanted to cry out in my despair, but dared not. I had to be strong, for Hermione's sake. It was all my fault that she had been brought here with me. I looked across at her again, and saw she was still unconscious, slumped forwards, held up only by the manacles, which appeared to be cutting into her wrists. I hoped she wasn't dead, and stifled a sob of horror as I saw a single drop of blood fall from her nose on to the bare rock at her feet.

I was about to call to her when the roiling clouds turned from grey to green and brown, and a shrill laugh pierced my soul. Terrified, I watched as the form of Voldemort appeared, rising from below the precipice in front of me and gliding towards me, several inches from the ground. He was robed all in black, his hands leathery claws the colour of ancient parchment long unread, with long, hooked, yellow nails, and his face- oh, his face- a nightmare of parched, cracking, weeping skin from which his eyes blazed red, two black slits for a nose, and a lipless mouth twisted into a cruel laugh.

I shrank back against the wall in horror as he approached me, reaching out with one clawed hand to trace my jaw line with his nail, sending fiery agony shooting along my cheek.

"Well, well, well," he said, musingly, in a high voice that dripped pure evil. "So here is Snape's plaything…how amusing…" He turned his gaze to Hermione, gliding across to her. "And a mudblood, too. I know her…"

"Leave her alone!" I said tremulously. 

He didn't even turn round. With a casual flick of his wrist he muttered "Crucio!" and I was screaming, feeling the white heat of a hundred needles burning into my flesh. I hung forward, unable to recover for many minutes. 

When I did finally look up, Voldemort was some distance away, petting an enormous snake which coiled around him like a lover, raising its huge head up to his, yellow and black eyes looking into red as they both hissed in a language I could not understand. Hermione was conscious now, and was looking around her in horror. Voldemort came back to us then, and said in a mocking tone,

"Ah, you're both back with us, although not exactly in the land of the _living_!" laughing shrilly at his own joke. "I have a special treat for you now. A- _picture show_, if you will!"

With a wave of his hand a fissure opened up several feet in front of us from which immediately issued a long wall of water, spurting upwards. Images appeared on the water, as if projected there, and as they formed themselves into recognisable portraits Voldemort giggled chillingly.

"You know, Muggles have a little saying, 'Love is blind'," he said derisively. "Well, _I'm_ going to open your eyes!"

Remus and Severus stood before us, in the water, and my heart ached to see my friend and my lover again. Hermione sobbed as the image of softly spoken, gentle Remus transformed by degrees. First his soft blue eyes began to glow, then hair spread across his face while his bones cracked and he transformed fully into a hideous werewolf, red-eyed, yellow teeth bared, growling fiercely as it leapt and snapped viciously. Hermione's eyes widened in terror, but she did not look away and I felt fiercely proud of her strength of character.

"_This_ is what you profess to love?" Voldemort asked her, running a talon through her hair and down her arm, making her shudder and shrink from him. "Answer me!"

"Yes! Yes, I _do_ love him!" she sobbed, as in front of her the image of the werewolf attacked and eviscerated a sheep. "You can't make me stop!"

"Crucio!" Voldemort said casually, and her head snapped back as she screamed.

"And you, Halfblood. Let me show you what the object of your lust has done for me. Sweet Severus. Such an attentive lover, wasn't he? So concerned for your pleasure?"

His breath on my face was rank, and I retched uncontrollably. Smiling, his lips splitting and weeping yellow pus, he waved his hand at the water behind him and the image of Severus projected there took on a bitter, twisted look of triumph as he held up a smoking vial full of a black liquid. Images of people and children suffering the most painful lingering deaths were interspersed with images of my beloved Severus toiling over steaming cauldrons, pale of face, with grim determination etched on his features.

"No!" I sobbed. "You're lying, he wouldn't _do_ that!"

"But he did, halfblood, he _did_! For _me_! He will never serve you as faithfully as he served me! Shall I enumerate the deaths he was responsible for? Shall I show you your parents?"

I looked at him, aghast.

"_What_?"

"And your sister…see how she coughed and coughed, and where were you? You didn't even know, did you, until she'd gasped her last, painful breath…Look, here she is!"

I looked at the water and saw my baby sister, unable to breathe, coughing spasmodically and choking to death while my parents held her helplessly, barely alive themselves. Tears flooded down my cheeks as I watched, and then Voldemort added,

"It is against his nature to create life; he was made to _destroy_ it! Why, he made the potion that killed your family!"

"No!" I screamed, struggling against my shackles, as overwhelmed by grief and rage as I had been sixteen years before. "It's not true!"

"It is true, I assure you…he may not have administered it personally, but the end result was the same, now wasn't it? He even made the potion that should have killed _him_! _Would_ have killed him if not for the mudblood over there…Crucio!" he yelled once more, and Hermione twitched in agony again like a broken marionette.

At that moment Lucius Malfoy reappeared, with a small trembling figure at his side whose silver hand held his cloak around him tightly as if he held something precious to him in its folds.

"Master, the trap is laid. They're coming. That fool Hagrid had seen me take these two, so by the time I got back there, they were all on their way."

"Potter too?"

Malfoy nodded.

"Good. At last. And you left the Portkey for them to find?"

"Of course, Master."

Turning back to me, Voldemort grinned expansively.

"You shall soon see your lover once more, halfblood! You can watch each other die! While you're waiting, perhaps you'd like to see how I tortured him?"

I watched, unable to do otherwise, with a sickness in my stomach as Voldemort shared with me the fullest extent of his cruelty, and my heart went out to Severus as I witnessed the stoicism with which he had withstood it. His eyes were so different from the way they had appeared years before, making potions for Voldemort. I knew how he had repented, and how he still hated himself for what he had done. I could not blame him for his part in my family's death. He had changed, I was certain, free of all doubt, and I knew that Voldemort could not kill the love I had for Severus, no matter how hard he tried.

Hermione at last lifted her head and we looked at one another, an unspoken understanding passing between us. We would withstand this. We would be strong. We would make our loved ones proud. We little knew how soon or how harshly our resolve would be tested.

With a sudden build-up of pressure which made my ears pop, five figures tumbled out of nothing on to the plateau. As they scrambled to their feet, wands at the ready, the wall of water disappeared and the fissure closed. All was silent. Severus' eyes widened in horror as he took in the scene before him, and Sirius had to grab his arm to hold him in check for an instant in order that he didn't run to me, and further endanger us both.

Voldemort threw back his head and laughed with glee,

"Oh, how precious! Snape, alongside Lupin, Black, Dumbledore and even_ Potter_!" although, uttering this last name, I noticed him reach into his cloak for his wand. "Stay there!" he commanded, holding out his hand and creating a shimmering silver wall around them. "Nagini dislikes unexpected visitors…and I was just about to feed her…" he said, turning to look at me.

"Nagini here is a product of your lover's genius. She was an ordinary snake- bigger than the viper that bit you last year- yes, I know all about that- but of normal size nevertheless. Your lover brewed me a potion that increased her size, her loyalty and her…potency. A bite from her can have very, shall we say, _noticeable_ effects." He giggled at me, and I felt ill. 

Severus was gazing at me in desperation through the silver ward, and I held my head high for his sake, masking my terror as Nagini slid closer.

Voldemort had his back to our would-be rescuers and so did not see as their desperate attempts at counter-charms to lift the ward succeeded at last. As they broke free of it, Severus ran towards me pointing his wand at Nagini, whose head was level with mine and drawn back ready to strike. 

I had never seen Severus use his wand in extremis before, and was breathtaken, in spite of my perilous state. His hair flew about him, his arms were outstretched, rage flashing in his eyes as he roared 

"Serpens mortua!" Bright green flame arced from the tip of his wand and struck the snake, incinerating it instantly. 

Voldemort, who had been yelling for Pettigrew and Malfoy to come to his aid, screeched out in anger, and before the others could stop him, shouted "Crucio!"

Severus arched his back in agony, screaming out "Argh!" in pain and falling to the floor.

"Be still!" Voldemort warned, and Dumbledore gestured for the rest of the rescue party to comply. I hoped they had a plan, but before I could try to evaluate what that might be, Voldemort had turned to me once more.

"An eye for an eye," he laughed shrilly. "Tell me, does your lover know what you carry in your belly, Halfblood? Answer me!"

"I- I- I don't know what you mean!" I stuttered.

"Then let me show you…" he said viciously, approaching me slowly, his hand outstretched. A sharp yellow talon touched my chin, drawing blood, and as it travelled down my body it tore through my robes like a scalpel through flesh, leaving searing agony in its wake where it touched my skin. I tried not to scream as I saw Severus look up at me, pain and fear etched on his face. Voldemort's hand stopped at my groin, almost caressing me, and I felt pain spread around my most intimate place.

"Well, this is well-used, isn't it?" he hissed, and then inhaled deeply, the slits of his nostrils quivering hideously.  "I can still smell your lust for him…and yes, his scent on you, and his seeds within you."

Bunching his hand into a fist, he drew it back until I screamed in agony.

"And look at what we have here!" he said as he threw his arm up and opened his fist, sending an image high in to the empty air where it hung like an apparition. The image was of a foetus.

"Six weeks, I do believe," he remarked, laughing as he saw the stunned expression on my face. I looked at Severus desperately. He gaped at the apparition, and then looked across at me questioningly. 

"Severus, I didn't know!" I shouted.

Voldemort reached up and grabbed the apparition, screwing it up in his hands before hurling it as if it were a ball towards the precipice and into the abyss. I felt more pain then, more agony than I had ever felt in my life. I felt as though Voldemort had cut into me with knives and was stabbing me repeatedly. I felt a hot stickiness between my legs, and rivulets of blood seeped from me. My baby, whom I hadn't even known existed, had been torn from my womb, and I watched the rock beneath me turn red with my blood as I screamed.

Severus yelled "Nooo!" in a voice filled with a lifetime of anguish and loneliness, and hurled a curse at Voldemort-"Avada Kedavra!"

Voldemort had obviously been expecting such a reaction, however, and the curse rebounded back off him, hitting Severus squarely in the chest. Killing him instantly before my eyes.

I could not breathe. The pain in my womb was as nothing compared to the pain in my heart, in every nerve of my body, in every fibre of my being.

Severus was dead.


	16. Time And Time Again

_Chapter 18_

**_Time And Time Again_**

I'd like to say I witnessed Dumbledore's death, and Black's, and Lupin's. But I didn't. I was too wrapped up in my grief to watch them duel against Voldemort and rid the world of Malfoy and Pettigrew. I couldn't take my eyes from Severus' broken body and I willed my own end to come, since now I had lost everyone who had ever meant anything to me. All I remember is the sound of Voldemort's glee as their bodies were flung into the abyss. Then all was still, while Voldemort turned to face Harry.

Eventually, urged by Hermione, I looked up to see Harry standing there, transfigured by grief and rage, his hair blowing back from his face even though there was no wind.

Harry and Voldemort were facing each other, twenty yards apart, and an arc of flame joined their two wands, half silver, half gold, meeting in the middle in an incandescent ball of brilliance. Both strained fiercely to gain the upper hand and I watched in awe of Harry's power as he began to prevail. After an eternity, or in an instant, I could not tell, the arc was almost completely gold, and Voldemort sank to his knees as Harry made one final superhuman effort to best him. Then, with a flash of light and a thunderclap, Voldemort's robes were lying empty on the ground, his essence flying screaming around our heads in an inhuman wail full of rage until it made its escape into a fissure in the rock wall.

At once, we were free of our manacles, and Hermione and I slumped to the ground. 

Harry trudged wearily over to us, dropping to his knees in front of us and hugging us fiercely. Then, resolve hardening his still boyish features, he said

"Hermione, _please_ tell me you still wear the Time Turner?"

"Well, yes, but why…"

"We have to hurry. This place will probably cease to exist soon, and you must be quick. Do you want to save everyone?"

"It's too late…" I said bleakly.

"No, it isn't. I mean, it might not be. Hermione, you can use the Time Turner to go back to before we all arrived! You can change things, give us another chance!"

"But we can't change time," I said, uncomprehending.

"No, but what if this place exists outside of time?" Hermione said, realisation dawning on her face, "If it does, we shouldn't meet ourselves here at all…but we can't be sure of that…" she puzzled. "How can we turn back time if we're somewhere where there _is_ no time?"

"Well…" said Harry, thinking furiously, "_We're_ aware of time passing for us, in here- maybe that's all we need for it to work? Look, I don't know how to get us back anyway," he continued. "Four people are dead – "

"Five," I said absently, thinking of the baby, part of Severus I hadn't even known was mine.

"Sorry, yes, five. What have we got left to lose?"

"You, Harry! We still have you!" Hermione said.

"No, I told you, I can't get us back! And we don't know what will happen to us when this place disappears. Look, have you noticed, the edge keeps getting closer? We might be as good as dead anyway. And I can't be here when you try this. I need to come back with the others and fight. But you two _must_ take the chance. Do you trust me?"

"Yes," we agreed, as I made a desperate effort to hold myself together and conquer my all-consuming despair.

"There's no other way."

We quickly agreed what we needed to do to try to change that terrible course of events. But Hermione and I still screamed in horror when Harry took off at a run and threw himself over the edge of the precipice.

"One turn should be enough," said Hermione shakily as she rotated the Time Turner with trembling fingers. With a sickening jolt, everything turned in on itself for a moment and I felt weightless, then I was slammed back into the wall and found myself manacled once more. 

Voldemort was once more a short distance away petting the huge snake, and as Hermione and I looked at one another with relief that our plan had worked so far, Severus and the others arrived again. As before, they were imprisoned instantly within the silver ward, and I knew that I needed to act quickly, and banish the memory of losing him from my mind.

"Accio wand!" Hermione and I both hissed, concentrating with all our might and praying the charm would work. Sure enough, with a yelp of surprise, Wormtail's hand shot forward as his robes burst open and our wands flew to our hands. Quickly we hid them behind our sleeves while Wormtail, bewildered, looked around him. 

Voldemort turned to me at that moment and began to explain Nagini's provenance to me. I knew that Severus would soon be free of the ward, and was grateful Voldemort was half turned away from Hermione, leaving her free to release my manacles. I felt them loosen, and gripped my wand tightly, pressing my wrist back against the rock face so that the manacle would not slip, and I would appear to be still firmly restrained.

Nagini slid closer and I tried to hide my fear and muster up all the courage and power that I could, knowing what I had to do as I saw Severus break free of the ward and begin his run towards me.

"Expelliarmus!" I yelled, just as he began to cast his own spell on Nagini. His wand flew to me, while he was thrown backwards several yards, landing on his back, winded.

"Harry, call off the snake!" Hermione yelled, as Voldemort looked at me in momentary confusion.

"Crucio!" he intoned, pointing a yellowed talon at my heart. I doubled up on the floor, waves of pain flooding through me. I turned my head to check that Severus was all right. He was staring at me in incomprehension, and his eyes were on fire with rage. I had never seen him look like that before, and it terrified me. I would have a lot of explaining to do if we ever got out of this alive, and I gave myself some small comfort that at least he would ultimately be able to understand my motives, even if he distrusted me now.

Nagini had turned towards Harry and cocked her huge head to one side as he spoke to her. At the same time Hermione and Lupin had managed to petrify Malfoy and Wormtail who now lay stiffly on the ground. Enraged, Voldemort was surrounded by Dumbledore, Black, Lupin and Harry who were all pointing their wands at him, preventing him from reviving his Death Eaters.

 Severus got to his feet shakily, and Hermione helped me up and half dragged me over to him. He snatched back his wand from me angrily and stood with the others behind Harry, who was by now facing Voldemort once more. This time Harry's performance wasn't sustained by rage and loss, but by the power and support of his friends as fire from their four wands joined with his. Again, silver and gold arcs of flame issued from each wand, brilliant incandescence in the middle. Again, Harry prevailed, and Voldemort screamed in rage as that huge ball of white-hot fire consumed him at last. 

There was an explosion that rocked the ground beneath our feet, and once more Hermione and I saw Voldemort's essence circle round our heads in impotent rage before it disappeared with a rumble, along with Nagini into a fissure in the rock.

When the rumbling stopped, all was quiet. The roiling clouds had disappeared to reveal endless white sky. Still there was no sun, and no shadow. I sank to my knees as the enormity of my ordeal overwhelmed me, and then Severus was there, catching me as I fell, enfolding me in his strong arms. I wept hysterically with relief, unable to speak, unable to explain how I had lost him, then found him again.

"I hope you can explain your behaviour just now," I heard his voice grumble in his chest as he held me.

"We can explain everything!" insisted Hermione, "But first we need to get out of here. Look, it's degrading again, we don't have much time!"

If anyone was surprised by Hermione's use of the word 'again', they didn't show it. Instead, Dumbledore took out of his robes a large knitted tea cosy, summoning us all to stand around him, along with the immobile bodies of Pettigrew and Malfoy. When everybody was touching the tea cosy, he said firmly, "Hogwarts hospital wing!"

With a pop, the rock disappeared and we hung in an infinity of white nothingness for a few seconds, until suddenly appearing in the middle of Madam Pomfrey's infirmary. Sighing with relief, no one moved for several moments.

Madam Pomfrey came out of her office and started in surprise to see us there. The Headmaster apprised her briefly of what had transpired, and although her eyes widened in horror she remained calm and professional. She bustled over to where Severus sat on the floor, cradling my weeping form in his arms, and tried to prise me from him.

"Get off, woman, can't you see she's hysterical?" he snapped.

"She needs to be moved. I need to examine her."

"No, what she _needs_ is to be left to me. Leave her!"

Madam Pomfrey sighed and turned her attention to Hermione, who was standing with her eyes closed, her arms wrapped tightly around Lupin's waist. He was stroking her hair, a haunted expression in his eyes. As he led her over to a bed and helped her climb on, aided by Madam Pomfrey, I again buried my face in Severus' robes, my sobs dying down but still wracking my body uncontrollably after my ordeal. Not only had I to come to terms with seeing my family's painful deaths for the first time, but also I kept seeing Severus die in front of me, over and over, and I could hardly believe he was here. 

Sirius and Dumbledore moved Malfoy and Pettigrew to a side room and summoned Ministry representatives to come and take them away.

Eventually, after murmuring quiet words of encouragement into my hair, Severus helped me to my feet and then scooped me up in his arms, carrying me over to the bed next to Hermione's, where he sat down in the chair, holding me closely to him on his lap. I buried my face in his neck and let out a long shuddering sigh as I wound my arms tightly around it, savouring his scent, his touch, and how wonderful it felt to be safely back in his arms. 

I heard Madam Pomfrey shoo everyone away shortly after, except for Severus and Remus, and when she came over to administer a sleeping and healing draught to me, I took it readily. I looked into Severus' eyes, drowning willingly in pools of confusion, concern and love, until my eyelids drooped and I entered blessedly dreamless sleep.


	17. You're The Wish That I Make

Chapter 19 

You're The Wish That I Make

Voices in the distance were talking in an undertone.

"I was so worried about you. When I saw you with all that blood on your face…I was scared. Scared of – of losing you."

"I saw him kill you. All of you, then when Harry- oh, we can explain it all, really, we can, but please, Remus, not now."

"Shush, it's okay. I'm just glad you're safe. I want- I want you to know how I…"

"I know. I _do_."

I opened my eyes. The screens around my bed were drawn, and there was a heavy weight on my arm and across my waist. Severus was sitting next to me, in the chair, his head resting on my arm, his own arm slung across me. I reached across and stroked his hair from his face. He sat up with a start and shouted, 

"Poppy! Poppy, she's awake! Lupin, get Poppy, will you?" before clasping my hand in his and gazing at me, a slight frown on his face. 

"You've been asleep for hours."

"Have you been here all the time?"

"Of course, love."

Madam Pomfrey soon came bustling through the screen, saying

 "Leave us for a few moments please, Severus, I need to do a thorough check on her now_. If_ that's alright with you," she added tartly.

With a sharp look at her, Severus turned back to me and took both my hands in his, kissing them.

"I'll be right outside, Ella. I'm not going anywhere." And with that, he swept out, pulling the screen closed behind him. I watched the space where he had been until his footsteps receded and I heard the door to the ward close behind him.

I sighed and turned to Madam Pomfrey who was checking my pulse and moving her wand over my wrist, muttering incantations to heal my chafed skin. She repeated the process with my ankles and my other wrist, and then spoke.

"Well, you seem to be in good shape, all things considered."

"Madam Pomfrey… Voldemort showed me something, and I need to know if it's true or whether he was just- messing with my head!"

"What is it, dear?"

I took a deep breath and beckoned for her to come closer, whispering,

"He told me- he told me I was pregnant. Then he ripped the baby out of my womb, but we went back in time, so I don't know if it's still there, and if I still am, or if I ever even really _was_!"

Her eyes widening in surprise, she patted my shoulder and said,

"Don't worry dear, I'll do the test for you. Does Professor Snape know yet?"

"No!" I replied, horrified. "No, I can't tell him! I haven't explained anything yet, to any of them, and I can't tell him in front of everybody, I don't know how he'll take it, he might be furious, and I don't even know if I am…" I cried.

"Shh, shush now! Calm down, dear! I won't say a word. You know best! Now, let's take it one step at a time. I'll help you to the bathroom, I find the Muggle way is the best way for this sort of thing."

A few minutes later I was back in bed, with the screens open. Hermione was dressed, and she stood at the window with Remus. He was behind her, his hands on her shoulders, looking out over the Hogwarts grounds. She leant back into him slightly, and they were murmuring quietly together. I felt pleased for them and, greatly relieved that she was all right, turned to look at the door wanting Severus to come back. I didn't have to wait for long. He crossed the ward in a few easy strides and sat on the side of the bed, taking my hands in his. He turned them over carefully, examining them closely and stroking the scars from the manacles tenderly with his thumbs.

"Are you alright?" he asked, anxiety in his eyes as he looked up at me.

"I- I think so. Yes." I answered nervously. He leant down to kiss me tenderly, his arms snaking around my waist. He tasted so sweet, so vibrant. It was our first kiss since my rescue. Since his death. I fought back the tears in my eyes as he looked at me searchingly.

"You're going to stay in my rooms tonight. Has Poppy said you can go yet?"

"Er…no, not yet," I answered uncertainly as his fingers traced my cheek.

"Are you _sure_ you're alright?"

"It's just that- well, there's so much I have to tell you. About why I had to disarm you…and  - other things."

" I was wondering about that. Anyway, we're meeting in Albus' office, as soon as you're ready."

"Well, let's get it over with, then," I said, taking strength from his gaze.

Half an hour later, Hermione and I were sitting in the Headmaster's office along with Severus, Remus, Sirius and Harry, and we began to tell them what had transpired the previous day. Remus stood behind Hermione's chair, hands squeezing her shoulders reassuringly. Severus sat by my side, my hand clasped in both of his, never taking his eyes from me. His concern for me was evident in his face, and I rejoiced inwardly that he no longer saw the need to mask his true feelings from his friends.

However, the tale I had to tell was harrowing, and painful in the hearing too, and when I reached the part about witnessing the deaths of my parents and baby sister by poisoning, his eyes filled with horror and guilt, and he stood up abruptly and went to the window where he leaned against the lintel once more, as I had seen him do in the Pensieve. 

I faltered then in my account, stopping after I had told about Nagini and the Cruciatus curse being cast on Severus, not wanting to reveal the part about the baby, but Hermione took over the story and tactfully omitted that part. When she got to the part where the Avada Kedavra curse rebounded on to Severus, killing him, he turned round to me, stricken, and I got up and joined him at the window, my arms fast about his waist and my shoulders shaking as I clung to him. Hermione's voice shook as she went on to describe the deaths of Dumbledore, Sirius and Remus. After she had explained Harry's part in our attempt to put things right, and his heroic self-sacrifice, the room fell silent.

To live to hear their own deaths at Voldemort's hands described in such detail must have been almost as harrowing as our having witnessed them. Severus sank on to the window seat, drawing me down with him protectively, and we simply sat, each holding the other as closely as we could, lest we lose them again.

Eventually, Dumbledore spoke.

"The Minister is on his way. Severus, Sirius, Remus, please stay behind. We must speak with him. Harry, Hermione- yet again you have shown exemplary courage. One hundred points will be awarded to each of you, along with our undying gratitude. Ella, you too. I imagine you never expected to be put through all this when you joined us last autumn. You acted with immense courage, under the circumstances."

"I did what I had to," I whispered. "So much was at stake."

             ***********************************************************

"I can't do this," I said tremulously as Hermione and I reached the door to the infirmary.

"Yes, you can," replied Hermione firmly as she steered me on to the ward. "You need to know."

Madam Pomfrey came out of her office to greet us, an inscrutable expression on her face. My stomach churned and I began to feel very sick. I sat down on the nearest bed, and waited for her to speak.

"I have the test result, dear. You are indeed pregnant."

The news stunned me. It was true. It had been much on my mind, but I hadn't known how I would react when I heard the news. I felt numb. I didn't know whether I was happy or sad. All I could think about was Severus, and what his reaction would be. It all hinged on that, since my happiness was so bound up in his.

"Thank you…" I murmured uncertainly, as Hermione put her arm round my shoulders.

"Now lie down, dear, I need to be sure the baby is developing normally. This won't hurt," she added, seeing my look of alarm. I lay back, and Madam Pomfrey passed her wand over my abdomen, muttering an incantation. After a few minutes she looked up at me, smiling.

"Everything seems to be in order. The foetus is about six weeks old. I have a tonic you must take, it will help the baby to grow healthily. You will be having the baby, I assume?"

"Yes!" I replied instantly, shocked that she could consider that I might do anything else. Then she smiled knowingly, and I realized that she had just made me admit, to her and to myself, my true feelings about my condition.

"I don't dare tell him," I admitted to Hermione as we sat on my bed back in my rooms. "It could ruin everything. I don't want to lose what we have."

"Yes, but you could have so much more!" Hermione insisted. "You aren't teenagers any more, you're mature enough to handle it!"

"But he might not _want_ a child! He's been alone all his life, it must be so hard for him to adjust to having _me_ around, let alone a baby!"

"Well, the same applies to you too, and _you_ want it! And he loves having you around, doesn't he?" she said emphatically. "It's_ so _obvious. Trust him!"

"Let _me_ get used to the idea first," I replied. "Anyway, what's been happening between you and Remus?"

Hermione smiled happily.

"Well, I know how he feels about me now. And as long as I can see him, spend some time with him, I can wait till the summer for anything more. After my N.E.W.T.S. He was worried that Voldemort would have put me off him, but I knew all about werewolves anyway. Voldemort couldn't shock me, I know what a good person Remus is. And thanks to Sirius and Professor Snape, he can keep it all under control. It's part of him. I can accept it, and he knows that now. And oh, Ella, when he kisses me!" She flung herself back on the bed exuberantly, and we laughed out loud. Like sisters.


	18. Let Me Always Be With You

****

Chapter 20__

Let Me Always Be With You

It was snowing again. The meeting with the Minister obviously wasn't over yet, since Severus hadn't come looking for me. Hermione had gone back to Gryffindor Tower, so I was alone. Edgy now, and nervously anticipating being alone with him again, knowing what I knew, I couldn't settle to do anything, so I went up to the Astronomy Tower. Now, as I looked out across the fields, everything was cloaked in white, apart from the trees. Hogsmeade's lights twinkled, and the scene should have looked as quaint as a Christmas card to me. But my ordeal had left me raw and emotional, and the scene simply served as a reminder of past Christmases, long ago, when I had still lived at home. 

We had been happy. I had wanted for nothing, having parents who loved both one another and me, and Christmas had always been a joyous time for us. I leaned against the cold stone wall of the tower as I remembered the very last Christmas I had spent with my family. Phoebe had been nearly two years old, and I had showered her with toys that year, delighting in her newly learnt conversational skills as she played. I was to leave home the following month, to take up a research position at a Muggle university several hours' drive south of our home, and I knew how much we would miss each other. As I remembered her shining face, covered in chocolate from a tree decoration, and my mother laughing as she wiped it clean, I began to cry and slumped down to the floor, inconsolable.

 It was cold, and the winter wind howled around the parapets, but I buried my face in my hands and was oblivious to it. I had always believed that I should have been there when they died, to try to save them, or have died in the attempt along with them, and now Voldemort had given me an image of their deaths which was even worse than the mental picture I had tortured myself with for the last sixteen years. I had run and run, but the guilt I felt for being the sole survivor had always caught up with me in the end. Then I had met Severus, and the irony so cruelly pointed out by Voldemort was that the man whose love was helping to heal me was part of the cause of that guilt. 

Severus. I sighed heavily. I needed to see him. Only he could save me from myself, in spite of what he had done all those years ago. I got to my feet, noticing now the light sheet of snow that covered me, and the chill wind. I stepped up to the crenellated wall and looked out again at the darkening sky, but I didn't linger up there, since all I could see was endless white, and it reminded me of my ordeal and that unnatural sky.

I descended the spiral staircase slowly, looking through a narrow window across to the tower in which Dumbledore's office was housed. The lights were on, and I could discern shapes moving around inside. I willed the meeting to be over. I wanted to be with Severus again, in spite of the secret I needed to keep. I ached for him. Each minute I spent away from him now was a minute wasted.

By the time I'd reached the corridor that led to the Great Hall it was full of students on their way to dinner. The last dinner before the Christmas holidays, I remembered. I saw Severus then, in the distance, striding towards me, and my heart skipped a beat. Upon reaching me, he guided me into an empty classroom, closing the door behind us.  

"Fudge is an imbecile!" he exclaimed. "I don't trust him, I never have! He questioned everything we said, Ella, can you believe it? It was as if he didn't _want_ to believe us! Pettigrew's off to Azkaban at last, Fudge can't live up to his name on _that_ one, at least, but as for Malfoy," – he spat out the name distastefully- "I wouldn't be surprised if Fudge didn't even bring him to trial for what he did! And oh, Ella," he continued, his voice softening as he put his hands on my shoulders, "he had us go over and over the same ground when all I wanted to do was come and find _you_!" 

He took my face in his hands then and drew me to him. He kissed me deeply, passionately, taking my breath away, then stopped and said,

"And what were you doing up the Astronomy Tower in the snow? You must have been freezing!"

"How do you know I was up there?"

"I saw you, of course! I couldn't bear to look at that self-important little man, so I spent most of the time standing at the window. Listen, Albus wants us all in the Great Hall for dinner. Will you be okay? Are you up to it?"

I nodded, and after another, more lingering, kiss we re-entered the corridor, joining the throng making its way to dinner.

Dinner that night was something to be tolerated rather than enjoyed. Severus and I were so aware of one another's proximity that invisible sparks flew whenever our hands touched, or our eyes met. He kept leaning over to whisper in my ear, his comments ever more irritable, and the heat of his breath in my hair sent shivers down my spine.

"Why aren't you eating, Ella? Aren't you hungry?" and "You look pale, what's the matter with you?"

Then it was,

"Will this meal never end? I wish we were alone," and "This is ridiculous. Do you think we could slip away now?"

Followed by a sarcastic

"Oh, great. Another of Albus's speeches. _Just_ what we need!"

By the time dinner was over I felt sick with nervous anticipation, and my desire to be alone with Severus, to be held by him, comforted, made love to, was overwhelming. The walk down to his rooms in the dungeon had never seemed so long, and his grip on my hand never so tight, but at last we were there, and I sat down in the armchair in Severus' bedroom to catch my breath, calm myself.

"You're still not _well_," he said worriedly, squatting before me and pushing my hair back from my forehead. "You're so pale. Is there something you're not telling me? What did Voldemort do to you?"

"I'm fine, really. Just hold me, Severus."

He stood, and muttered a charm that elongated the old armchair until it was the size of a sofa.  He shrugged off his robes and long buttoned jacket and undid the top buttons of his high-collared white shirt, then, sitting down next to me, he took me in his arms and kissed me tenderly. I let my head rest against the back of the sofa, and he traced my cheek and neck with his long, gentle fingers, pulling me closer to him and sighing my name.

"I've missed you…" he whispered as I slipped my hand inside his shirt, enjoying the silky warmth of his bare skin against my fingers.

"I thought I'd lost you, Severus. I _did_ lose you. It felt- I can't describe it, I was- desolate, bereft, going through it all again- I couldn't bear it, I _couldn't,_ I just wanted to die!"

"Shh, no don't say that, it's over, I'm here…"

"If it hadn't been for Harry, and Hermione…"

"I know, love. When I heard Hagrid shouting for Albus - I ran directly to the entrance hall and there he was, in a blind panic.  I'd heard him from my classroom, and I knew something must have happened to you- I was worried for you. I know only too well what Voldemort can do. Thank the Fates the others were there, because I was beyond reason."

"I can't get it out of my _head_, Severus. Seeing you lying there, you were _dead_, I can't _bear_ it!" I sobbed, and buried my face in his chest while he stroked my hair. "And the things he showed me…my family…he told me it was _your_ fault, Severus, he was trying to break me, trying to make us hate you and Remus, but he _couldn't_, he couldn't _ever_…"

Severus lifted my face in his hands and kissed away my tears, one by one, crying bitter tears of his own now. 

"But Ella, he was right, it _was_ my fault. And I'm so sorry," he said, the dark pools of his eyes overflowing with regret. "I don't deserve you."

I kissed his words away, our lips trembling, our hearts too full for any more words. We had never been so naked before, and when our tears finally stopped, we knew it.

Our lovemaking had never been so sweet. So aware of what we had almost lost, we rediscovered one another's bodies with a wonderment that bordered on reverence. 

I ran my hand under his hair, stroking the nape of his neck while my other hand unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it from his trousers so that I could stroke his bare back. Meanwhile he was doing the same, sliding my blouse from my shoulders and kissing the flesh underneath. Pushing me back on to the sofa, he stretched out over me and I wrapped my legs around him, drawing him closer. We kissed with more passion now, abandoning ourselves to the moment and letting go of the past, at least for a little while.

Soon we grew impatient for more, and stood, still stealing kisses, so that we could undress and move over to the bed.

Severus lay down beside me on his side, gently stroking my body with the flat of his hand, all the time gazing hungrily into my eyes. After a while he leant over me and began to follow with kisses the trail blazed by his hand. He stroked my stomach, and then kissed it tenderly, dipping his tongue in and out of my navel, and I tangled my fingers in his hair and shivered as I imagined him doing the same when my belly was full and distended with his child. He looked up at me questioningly, his eyes clouded with smoky passion, then moved lower until his mouth was caressing my sensitive bud and I thought I would reach my climax right then unless he stopped, but oh, no, I didn't want him ever to stop…

"Love me…" I whispered.

"Forever," he replied, and entered me slowly, crying out softly "Ah!" as I arched my back to accommodate him. Rocking gently, our rhythm slow and steady, our lips were reunited and I ran my hands down his smooth back to his buttocks which tensed underneath them with each of his thrusts. I was too much in love to last long, and soon a familiar, longed for heat began to spread through me and my body was on its inexorable route to fulfilment. As I came, I cried out his name,

"Severus! Oh, Severus, I love you!" and soon afterwards he too reached his climax, plunging deep inside me and holding me so tightly in his ecstasy that I couldn't catch my breath. When it was over, he lay on me, spent, and his tears of joy mingled with our sweat as they trickled down my chest.

I wanted to tell him about his baby then, but something stopped me. The moment was so perfect, I felt so safe and secure in his love. If only I had trusted in that feeling, and told him the one and only secret I had kept from him, things might have been so different. But as it was, I caused us even more pain than we had already endured, and I almost destroyed Severus in the process.

****


	19. You're The Blue In My Black

****

****

Chapter 21 

You're The Blue In My Black

I feel so lucky loving her  
Tell me what else is magic for  
She thinks it's better left unsaid  
  
She makes her mind up at a glance  
It really made a difference  
I seem to be unconditionally hers  
  
She's like a new girl every day  
And all the rest don't bother me  
I'm far too busy lovin' her  
  
I'll never be lonely now I know her  
She fills my heart with joy  
She makes my day  
She just has to smile to blow my cares away  
She just has to touch my hand to make me stay  
  
She's all good lovin' at once  
   
Our love was unintentional  
She says we're not responsible  
She thinks with her chin up  
  
She always makes uncommon sense  
Always knows just what to say  
She always takes me unawares  
  
In less time than it takes to fall I'm here  
And there you are  
We never fought it anyway  
  
I'll never be lonely now I know her  
She fills my heart with joy  
She makes my day  
She just has to smile to blow my cares away  
She just has to touch my hand to make me stay

  
(Robert Palmer, "She Makes My Day")

A few days later it was Christmas morning and when I awoke Severus was, as usual, still sleeping. I headed straight for the bathroom, slipping out from under his arm as stealthily as I could, and closed the bathroom door silently behind me. I ran to the toilet, heaving, and spent several minutes on the floor beside it until the nausea passed. Afterwards I leaned against the bath, sweating, until I had recovered enough to stand at the sink and splash my face with cold water.

"Merry Christmas, Ella!" I said to my reflection in the bevelled mirror, with a wry smile. I put on Severus' green silk dressing gown and then crept back out into the bedroom, checking on Severus. 

He was lying on his back now, one arm thrown above his head, snoring softly, lips slightly parted. His hair was spread over the pillow and he'd tangled the sheets around his legs. His chest was bare, and as I looked at him he stirred, moving the sheets further down his prone body so that I could see the path of dark hair that led down past his navel. Tempted as I was to have my tongue take a slow, sensual journey along that path to its end, I knew that I had work to do. I found my wand, and began to whisper some simple charms. After a few minutes, I stopped to survey my handiwork.

The room looked lovely. I had festooned the walls and ceiling with hundreds of small white lights, which twinkled like stars. In the corner by the door stood a huge Christmas tree decorated all in blue velvet, and crystal (silver brought to mind the flame from Voldemort's wand, so I made a silent apology to Severus for using my own Ravenclaw colours instead). The fireplace was decorated with holly and ivy, and, as a finishing touch, I had placed a huge garland of mistletoe above the bed. I took out my gifts for him, purchased a few weeks before, from their hiding place and placed them under the tree.

Then I climbed back into bed beside him and snuggled up to him happily.

The arm which had been flung over his head instinctively moved to snake around my shoulders, and he pulled me close in his sleep, sighing. Idly I stroked the black hairs on his chest with my fingers, and I smiled as I remembered what I had been so tempted to do just a few minutes before. I began to trail wet kisses down his chest, kissing and licking alternately until I reached his navel. 

I heard him waken with an

"Mmph? Aah, mmm," and I smiled to myself as I moved lower. Long fingers stroked my hair, and he gasped as I reached my goal. A few minutes later he moaned, his hand clenching around my hair as he climaxed, and I didn't stop until he was spent. I kissed my way back up to his mouth, lying on top of him as he held me.

"Merry Christmas, Severus" I said, and he smiled softly.

"Why, was that my present?"

"No! But look around you."

His eyes widened in surprise as he took it all in.

"It's very…festive," he said uncertainly. "Er…I never usually bother."

"Well, I'd sort of guessed that!" I said with a wry smile. "But do you approve?"

"On the whole…yes. The mistletoe's a nice touch, but not really necessary…" he added, kissing me once more. "I got you a present!" he added, frowning at me. "I hope you like it."

I slid off him so that he could get up, and he crossed the room to his dresser, opening the top drawer and taking out a small package. I watched him appreciatively, noticing how his muscles rippled as he walked, and enjoying the slow smile that spread across his face when he realised I was watching him. Passing the tree, he noticed the colour of its decorations and raised an eyebrow at me, but said nothing.

He jumped back into bed and gave me the package hesitantly, saying, 

"I enchanted it myself."

Intrigued, I tore open the wrapping to reveal a small black lacquered box, enamelled with a snake and a bird intertwined.

"It's beautiful!" 

"Open it!" he urged.

Inside was a large emerald, the size of a small egg, on a thick chain of solid gold.

"Oh, Severus!" I breathed.

"Look more closely," he urged, and as I did I saw grey dancing shadows swirling around deep within the stone. "Mirror mirabilis!" he said as he passed his hand over it, and when I looked again I had a bird's eye view of the two of us, sitting on the bed poring over the emerald.

"What _is_ this?" I asked, amazed.

"It's- well, it's like a magic mirror," he explained. "I know how fond you are of Muggle literature, and I thought you'd be able to relate to that fairy story about the girl who for some inconceivable reason falls in love with a beast and saves him from himself. He gave her a magic mirror too."

"You aren't a beast, Severus. You never were."

"That's a moot point, Ella. Anyway, whenever you pass your hand on it and say the correct incantation, you'll be able to see me. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing."

"You mean I'll be able to _spy_ on you?" I teased.

"I prefer to think of it as watching over me," he replied seriously, and my heart lurched. With a lump in my throat, I put my hand at the back of his neck and drew him to me. As our lips touched, I said "Thank you…" and we kissed.

"I have something for you too," I said as we broke apart. "It's under the tree."

"Ah yes, the Ravenclaw themed tree!" he said acerbically. "Oh well, at least the tree itself is green!"

I kissed him again, and then went to fetch his gift. Sitting cross-legged on the bed, he began to unwrap it very slowly, methodically, so unhurried that I began to bounce up and down in my impatience.

"Come on, Severus, it'll soon be _next_ Christmas!"

"I want to _savour_ this," he said, teasing gently. "A gift from the woman I love is something to be treasured, right from the outset. And that includes unwrapping it!"

He continued as before, stealing glances at me with rare laughter in his eyes, and so much love. 

When the wrapping finally fell off to reveal the sculpture inside, he said nothing. He simply looked at it, ran his long fingers over it, turned it this way and that, and then set it down on the bed. I waited with bated breath, unable to gauge his reaction. Then he turned his gaze on me, and I knew. His coal black eyes were ablaze with love for me, and the fire burned all the brighter for the unexpected tears in his eyes.

"It's beautiful," he whispered huskily, and he enfolded me in his arms, kissing me deeply, holding me so closely, so tenderly, that I melted against him instantly, breathless as we kissed. And he hadn't even seen what the sculpture truly was yet, I marvelled. Framing his face in my hands, I broke our kiss and said,

"Severus, I need to show you something. Come on over to the fire, I'll put it on the table."

Wrapping himself around the waist in a sheet from the bed, he followed me curiously as I carried the sculpture and set it down on the low table by the fire. He sat in the old leather chair, and I knelt at his feet on the rug, one hand on each of the two figurines that made up the piece.

"Vivat!" I said, and looked at Severus. His eyes widened in amazement as he watched.

The sculpture was of two figures standing face to face, the taller of the two standing about twelve inches high. It was carved all in black marble, its smaller female partner of deep blue lapis lazuli. As I had cast the spell to reveal its secret, colour had flooded through both figures until it was clear that they were Severus and me, in perfect miniature, kissing, embracing, dancing, moving around one another with a fluid grace that was almost like music.

"Do you like it?" I asked, as he gazed at it, open-mouthed.

"Beyond words," was all the reply he could make.

After a few minutes, the charm wore off and the two figures, the blue and the black, were still once more, locked in a close embrace. Severus sat back in his chair with a sigh, looking at me in wonderment.

"Where on earth did you find it? I've never seen anything like it before."

"It was from an old friend. I owled him to tell him what I wanted, and when I got it, I enchanted it myself."

"An old friend?"

"Yes, a Muggle, but a very talented one. I met him in Italy, years ago."

 "Hmph."

"What?"

Severus gave me a sideways glance, and frowned,

"Is he an ex?"

"No! Good grief, he must be ninety by now! I was working for a gallery, saw some of his work. It was beautiful. Haunting. I asked to meet him, and he told me his life story! We became great friends, and

he told me the most romantic story I'd ever heard. Till ours, of course!"

I smiled as he looked at me doubtfully.

"He married young, and he and his wife were everything to each other. He was your typical struggling artist type, they were penniless, but it didn't matter. He would sculpt her, all the time, nothing but her. Then she became ill, and there was no cure. When she died, he was lost. Helpless. He was surrounded by memories of her and he threw himself into creating a life-sized sculpture of her, the ultimate celebration of their love. It was his greatest ever work, and he described what happened as a miracle. Well, I suppose it was."

"Why, what happened?"

"The stone came to life one day, he said. He had his love back, for a little while. Now, I don't know if it was some latent magical ability he had, which his grief tapped into, or even whether it was her ghost, or just his imagination, but he swears it happened. And it gave him the strength to carry on. So," I continued as I climbed into his lap, "when I wanted a symbol of our love, I couldn't think of a better person to go to."

"I just don't know what to say," he murmured. 

His arms encircled my waist, pulling me close so that he could bury his face between my breasts. I kissed the top of his head, stroking his hair, feeling his breath hot on my skin. 

I think I could have told him anything then. I could have told him all about the baby, about what Voldemort had done to me, about how desperately I wanted his child. I could have told him even though I was concerned he might not feel the same, might not want the responsibility. I could have told him because I loved him, more than anything, and because I knew he loved me. 

But I didn't, because at that moment another uncontrollable urge to be sick overtook me, and I had to scramble to my feet and run to the bathroom. He followed me, worried, and held my shoulders as I leaned over the sink, my body racked by dry heaves.

"Ella, what on earth…are you alright?"

"Mmph- fine- I'm fine. Water."

He poured me a glass and hovered at my side uncertainly while I wondered what on earth to say.

"I was just- nervous. Nervous about my present to you," I said.

"And you made yourself feel _sick_? Good grief, what sort of an ogre do you take me for? As if I could be anything less than entranced…Ella, it's wonderful, it really is! Wait here!" he finished, and strode out of the bathroom purposefully, calling back to me, "I have a potion that should settle your stomach."

"Great," I thought. "The perfect opportunity for him to cotton on to the truth all on his own, and I have to make some lame excuse! And he actually falls for it! And now I have to take one of his wretched potions and it's bound to taste foul, I'm sure he could make them taste better if he wanted to…"

I shook my head wryly and sat down on the toilet seat, wiping my face with a damp facecloth. "He'll soon guess, if I keep this up every morning. Oh, why am I such a coward?"

A few minutes later he came back in, with a vial of clear liquid, which he told me to take. It tasted vile, but I drank it dutifully while he stood over me. Shortly after, the sickness wore off, and we set about opening our other presents, and breakfasting on smoked salmon and scrambled eggs, brought by the house elves, on the rug in front of the fire.

"We should get dressed," Severus murmured, as we lay on our stomachs side by side by side by side on the rug, poring over a new spell book together and feeding one another Honeyduke's Best Chocolates.

"And why is that?" I enquired, staring at his mouth, which was inches away from mine. His lips curled in a slow smile.

"Because we ought to show our faces to our…_friends_…and wish them a merry Christmas. And because snowballing on the front lawn is an old Hogwarts tradition."

"Well, I didn't think you admitted to having any _friends_, and I certainly didn't think that you ever did something because it was the _sociable_ thing to do!"

I rolled over on to my back, my hair spread across the book, and continued wantonly,

"Besides, you haven't been _sociable_ enough with _me_ yet!" as I undid the tie on my dressing gown. He looked down at my body then stared hungrily into my eyes, and his hair fell over my face and tickled my cheeks as he bent lower to kiss me. I flicked my tongue into his mouth, savouring the way he tasted both of chocolate and of himself, intermingled, and he groaned softly, sucking it gently and licking it with his own. As our kiss deepened the fire within me grew, so responsive to his touch, so deliciously needy. His hand stroked and cupped my breasts, brushing across my hardened, sensitive nipples, making me moan softly, before travelling down to where my legs were parted, ready to receive him. He sighed and breathed my name as he discovered my wetness, and I tugged at the sheet around his waist until it fell away and I saw the shadows dance and flicker over all his body in the firelight.

His right hand travelled down my side to my left hip, and slid round until it was stroking my thigh, pulling me gently on to my side. I moved closer to him, winding my leg round his thigh, and he groaned as the tip of his erection brushed against my stomach. He shifted slightly so that his hips were pressed more firmly against mine, and then he inserted himself into my waiting folds. I arched my back, wanting to be even closer, if that were possible, and he held me tightly, reflected flames from the fire dancing in his eyes as he gazed at me, his lips slightly parted now, full and swollen from our passion. I wanted those lips again, so I claimed them hungrily, sucking first the top, then the bottom, while he answered me in kind. Passion drove us now, and we ground against one another while our hands commenced a feverish exploration of hair, necks, chests, shoulders and thighs. We were mindless now, given over to our lust, and Severus moved over until he was on top of me, thrusting into me with abandon. I panted his name, over and over as if it was a mantra, and I believe it was. I climbed steadily higher and higher and at last my love for him exploded into pure bliss, and I screamed, digging my nails into his back, feeling him gush into me with white hot power, searing my flesh, making me climb higher still.

A long time later, he slid off me and we lay together side by side, looking up at the fairy lights twinkling around the vaulted ceiling. I turned to watch him in profile. He seemed miles away, deep in thought, and I wondered what demons he still fought.

"What is it, Severus?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing. Trying to remember another Christmas when I felt happy. I have to go back a long way."

I felt a pang then as my mind went back to that last Christmas with Phoebe and my parents. I reached for his hand and squeezed it. He smiled tightly, then broke the newly sombre mood, saying, 

"Come on, I feel the need to injure someone! I think a few well-aimed snowballs in the direction of Lupin and Black might do the trick!"

I gave him a dark look, and he sniggered.

"You'd better leave your wand here, if you're in that sort of mood! No magic, Severus! It's all meant to be in fun!"

"Well, it's only fun if I win," he said, matter-of-factly. Despairing of him, I groaned and let him pull me to my feet.


	20. Even Darkness Is Better This Way

Chapter 22 

Even Darkness Is Better This Way

**__**

Half an hour later we were walking out on to the front lawn, which was a foot deep in snow. Severus wore a dark grey woollen coat with black fingerless gloves against the cold. My winter cloak was of midnight blue, and Severus had made me wear his old house scarf, since my Ravenclaw one had been lost years before, and he looked far too smug as he adjusted it around my neck. It seemed to be a piece of living history, chronicling Severus' path through school from novice Potions student to expert Professor, as it was peppered with small round acid-burn holes, and covered in mysteriously coloured stains after whose provenance I thought it best not to enquire.

Severus frowned as Remus greeted me enthusiastically, and he glared at Sirius as he swept me off my feet and planted a kiss on my cheek. We soon split into two teams, one of them comprising me, Severus, Remus and Dumbledore, and the other Sirius, Harry, Ginny and Ron Weasley. These latter two had preferred to spend the holidays at Hogwarts while their parents went to Romania. Ron had N.E.W.T.S to study for, while Ginny still cried every time she thought about her boyfriend's latest encounter with Voldemort.

Severus took it all very seriously, and Remus and I had to try to ensure that the friendly snowball fight didn't turn into a vicious duel between Severus and Sirius. It came as a relief when, after a while, we saw the familiar figure of Hagrid approaching, Fang panting at his side, their breath rising then slowly dissipating in the icy air. Hagrid was pulling behind him a large wooden sled, on which huddled a small figure wrapped in a huge bearskin blanket. The figure waved as it came closer, and Harry, Ron and Remus all shouted, 

"Hermione!"

Remus laughed nervously, and then, as the other two looked at him, making no move and thereby tacitly giving him their permission, he broke into a loping run and was soon helping Hermione off the sled. We turned to Hagrid, who was saying.

"Look who I found comin' up from the village!" and tried not to look as Hermione put her arms around Remus' neck and kissed him ardently. Shortly, they approached the rest of us, arm in arm, smiling happily. I gave Severus a knowing look and slid my arm around his waist. He hugged me briefly, one arm staying firmly round my shoulders as we trudged through the snow to greet Hermione.

"What are you doing here?" Remus asked.

"Well, I spent a few days at home, but then this morning, after we'd all opened our presents, I decided I missed everyone here too much! So, I came back a few days early," she blushed.

Leaving our wet, snow-covered cloaks melting and steaming by the fire in the entrance hall, we all entered the Great Hall for dinner. Since there were so few of us, most of the staff and students having gone to spend Christmas elsewhere, the house elves had set a long table halfway down the room, next to the huge open fire which blazed and crackled merrily. 

Severus refused to wear the ridiculous pink ostrich- feathered hat which came from his exploding cracker, but he spent several minutes adjusting my rather fetching lime green tiara until he was satisfied that it was shown off to its best effect. I got the distinct impression that he was simply enjoying having an excuse to run his long fingers through my hair, and when he had finished, I turned to him, putting my hand on his shoulder, and kissed him lightly.

"Merry Christmas."

"Yes, it is," he said simply, piercing me with his eyes and sending a shiver down my spine.

"Oh, Severus, I'm running a bit low on the Wolfsbane potion, can I pop down with you later and get some?" Remus asked. Severus nodded at him curtly, saying,

"Yes, and I must start to brew some more."

The banquet was wonderful. There were meats, vegetables and accompaniments of every sort, and I was grateful that the potion I had taken earlier had settled my stomach sufficiently to allow me to do justice to the feast.

Then, after we had finished our meal, Hermione leaned across the table to me and said conspiratorially,

"Ella, can I talk to you?"

"Yes, of course. Let's go to my rooms," I replied, and turning to Severus I said, "I'll see you later."

Giving Hermione a quick, stern glance, he nodded and put my hand to his lips as I got up to leave.

As soon as we were in the entrance hall and out of earshot, Hermione turned to me and said,

"Ella, he is _so_ attentive to you, isn't he? I never would have believed it of him, you know, it's all _so _romantic! He knows, doesn't he?"

"Er…no, not yet. I tried telling him, sort of, but the time's never been quite right."

"You're putting it off on purpose, aren't you? What on earth for?"

"You've seen how he is with me, you shouldn't need to ask. Today's been so perfect, I don't want it ever to end!"

We walked the rest of the way in silence. As soon as the door to my room was shut behind us, Hermione turned to me and said,

"I came back to see Remus."

"I gathered that!"

"I'm going to- well, I want to-"

"Sleep with him?"

She flushed and nodded, looking at me, anxiously seeking my approval.

"Does your mum know about him?"

"No!"

"Hermione, he's a teacher, you're a student…"

"And it isn't term time, is it, and he never teaches me, so technically he isn't, and I'm not-"

"_Technically_, maybe, but…"

"You of all people should understand how I feel!"

"Oh, I _do_! I'm sorry. I do understand, it's just that once you take that step, there'll be no going back. You won't be able to help yourself. You'll have to be very careful, Hermione."

"I know. But I love him."

"Does he know yet? Why you came back, I mean?"

"No. But he'd better not turn me away!" she said, tossing her hair.

"Hah! I don't think he'd dare!"

When I got back to the dungeons, Severus was at the far end of his classroom standing over a huge cauldron full of steam and foul smelling grey liquid. 

"Ugh, what's that?" I said, wrinkling my nose as I approached. "And why do you have to do it on Christmas Day?"

"It's Lupin's potion. I should have brewed more sooner, but…well, events rather overtook me," he said dryly. "So, what took you so long?" he added peevishly.

"Hermione and I had a lot to discuss," I shrugged.

"Hmm. I hope Lupin doesn't put her off her studies too much."

"Like I've put you off your work?" I smiled, reaching up to brush a stray lock of hair from his face.

"Exactly…" he murmured, staring at me intently as he took my hand in his and kissed my palm, then my wrist, never taking his eyes from mine. I shivered, and led him into his office then, through to the bedroom beyond. We put him off his work more then, until deep into the night.

Later that same night my nightmares started.

I dreamed of Severus brewing an evil-smelling potion while Voldemort stood at his side, laughing horribly while the cauldron bubbled and spat. In my dream Severus was taller, and thinner, and he loomed over me with an evil rictus disfiguring his face. I started to scream and couldn't stop, and I woke to find him holding my shoulders as I thrashed around in our bed, concern written all over his sleep-muzzed face.

"Ella! Ella, wake up!" he urged. "Hey, stop it! It was just a dream! It was a dream! I'm here, calm down! Lumos!"

My chest heaving, I looked deep into his eyes and found no trace of the man from my nightmare. There was only concern, and reflected candlelight. Shuddering, I reached for him, and he cradled me in his arms until I calmed myself, stroking my shoulders gently.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" he asked quietly after a while.

"You. And Voldemort. Brewing something. You were- evil."

He grimaced, and sighed heavily.

"It'll take you a while to get over what happened, I suppose. And Lupin's potion last night probably brought it all back for you… I'm sorry."

"Is it morning yet?" I asked, suddenly feeling my gorge rising so that I strongly suspected what his answer would be.

"It's around six. Why?"

"Excuse me…" I muttered, pushing myself out of his arms and rushing into the bathroom

                *************************************************

And so it went on. Over the next few nights I had more nightmares, each one more detailed than the last. In my sleep, I was twenty years old once again, watching helplessly as Phoebe died, sitting with my parents as they took their own dying breaths, witnessing the full horror of it first hand, instead of finding out hours later from the national news on a television in a bar two hundred miles away. 

In my dreams I would look up from little Phoebe's face to find not my parents cradling her in their arms, but Severus and Voldemort. Voldemort would throw back his head and laugh, Severus would stare at me with the same cold, dead eyes I still remembered so well from the evening he had taken the anti-arousal potion the previous year. Only when I began to scream uncontrollably would he start to laugh, and then all that I could do was scream even more.

So, as time passed I found it more and more difficult to look Severus in the eye afterwards. I was increasingly afraid of what I might see there. 

I distanced myself from Severus both consciously and unconsciously. Having become used to waking up nestled in his arms, I now found that I awoke curled up on the very edge of the bed, while he reached across it in his sleep to my empty pillow. At first I told myself that it was so that I could run for the bathroom without disturbing him, but I came to realise that I was in fact doing it in order to protect my baby from him.

And in the mornings, he was usually asleep while I was in the bathroom. I managed to disguise the nausea well otherwise. He didn't show any signs of suspicion whatsoever, and I felt alternately annoyed at his apparent blindness or, more frequently as time went on, suspicious that his behaviour was all a pretence.

During the day, I was all right, at first. I loved him, and we carried on as normal, making love, talking, enjoying just being together. But as his baby grew inside me, so too did my fears. 

Severus was spending a good deal of time brewing potions. He told me that it was because stocks had to be replenished for the start of the spring term, and also for Lupin. However, I would watch him sometimes, using his gift to me, and he would be so engrossed in his work, and so intense, that I was able easily to convince myself that he must be up to something. I even started to believe that the emerald had been a ruse, to confuse me and convince me he had nothing to hide so that he could carry out his plan under my very nose.

Now, looking back, it's frightening to remember how quickly things changed for me. I had very soon convinced myself that Severus knew all about the baby and was biding his time while he decided what to do about it. 

I told no one of my fears, there was nobody I felt I could confide in. How could I? They would have tried to put my mind at rest, tell me it was all because of my hormones, and I didn't want to hear it. I sometimes felt that I'd like to tell Hermione, but every time we were together she was so full of herself, so happy about her burgeoning relationship with Remus, that I didn't have the heart to worry her and put a damper on things. So instead, I worried and brooded, and let myself jeopardise the one thing that had made my life meaningful. My relationship with Severus.


	21. How Can I Be Sure Where I Stand With You...

Chapter 23 

**_How Can I Be Sure Where I Stand With You?_**

One day in the middle of January, I went to see Madam Pomfrey for an antenatal check-up. As I entered the infirmary she came bustling out of her office and said,

"Oh, Ella, good, you're here. Now sit down, dear, sit down, that's it. Now, how are you feeling?"

"A bit sick in the mornings, but otherwise I'm fine," I said.

"And Professor Snape?"

"What about him?"

"Does he _know_ he's going to be a father yet, dear?"

I looked at her seemingly stern face with its kindly eyes.

"Well, he's very busy at the moment..." I trailed off, looking away. She sighed.

"And you'd prefer him to notice for himself?"

"No!" I said at once. I didn't want him to know at all, I thought, but knew that I had to keep that thought to myself. "Well, yes..." I added, adopting a rueful expression. She seemed satisfied with this answer, and obviously did not suspect my true feelings, for she simply said,

"He's new to all this, you know. I'm sure he'll notice eventually. It'll be quite apparent soon, even to him! Now, let me find you something to help with the sickness, and some more of that potion for the baby." 

As she disappeared into her private storeroom, I sat on the edge of the bed, swinging my legs. Suddenly the door to the infirmary was flung open and in strode Severus, his arms full of boxes in which bottles and vials of potions rattled. His eyes widened in surprise as he saw me, and he put down the boxes and came over to me, saying,

"Ella, what are you doing here? What's wrong?"

"Nothing! I'm just here for a check-up," I said innocently. He frowned, looking at me curiously. "_Women's_ stuff," I elaborated, and he nodded with a small smile, accepting what I said without needing further clarification. He simply touched my shoulder tenderly, and when Madam Pomfrey came out he walked over to the pile of boxes and said, 

"I'll put these in the storeroom, Poppy"

"Yes, thank you. Oh, just a minute-" she said, and followed him back in there, shutting the door behind her. 

Several minutes passed. I frowned, wondering what they were plotting. When they emerged, Severus gave me another small smile and swept out. Madam Pomfrey carried over two vials to me. One was clear, the other a smoky grey.

"Drink these," she instructed. "I'll be back in a minute to check the baby's growth."

When she had gone, I looked at the two vials in my hand and sniffed them suspiciously. What had Severus been doing in there with her? Then realisation came to me, as clear as the dawn on a spring day. They were both in it together! It was so obvious! He knew, he was going to poison me and kill our baby, and with Madam Pomfrey's collusion! 

I leapt from the bed and hurriedly poured the potions down the sink in the corner of the room, running the tap for a moment to wash away the evidence of what I had done. Then I hurried back to sit on the bed, so that when Madam Pomfrey returned she assumed I had taken them both and that all was well.

"Good girl," she said briskly. "Now, lie down dear. It won't take long."

I complied, watching her narrowly, and resolving that this would be my very last antenatal visit to the infirmary.

"Professor Snape didn't stay long," I observed, watching for her reaction.

"He has a class, dear! You know that, surely?"

"Oh, yes, of course," I replied.

"Ah, to be young and in love!" she smiled. I smiled back weakly. In love still, yes, but it wasn't enough. Not now. And who was I in love with anyway? How much of it was just a pretence for him?

His class was just leaving when I returned to the dungeons, and I found him sitting at his desk, marking some scrolls. He looked up as I entered the classroom, and put down his quill.

"Are you better? What did Poppy say?"

"I'm fine!" I shot back, too quickly. His eyes narrowed and he regarded me curiously.

"You never told me you were going to see her today."

"Do I have to tell you _everything_?" I snapped defensively and he flinched momentarily before drawing himself up and saying,

"Of course not, but you generally do, so-"

"What's that supposed to mean? You still think I talk too much? God, where do you get off on being so damned _critical_?"

Severus was shocked by my over-reaction, but it was not in his nature to be passive when under attack. Black eyes flashing, he said in a low, steely voice,

"I asked a civil question, Ella, and I am not critical unless circumstances warrant it!"

"Well, they don't! So just - leave me alone!"

"Yes, I will! I think that would be best for the moment, until you've _calmed down_!"

"Hah! How _dare_ you? _I'm_ not the one causing the problem here!" and, screaming that last, I turned on my heel and stormed out, leaving him alone and staring after me.

I was furious as I marched along the corridors back to my own rooms. However, by the time I'd closed my door and thrown myself on to the bed, I'd begun to calm down. And what had he said to me anyway? As I went over it I realised that he had done nothing to deserve the way I'd spoken to him. I began to feel ashamed and sorry, but there was still a nagging voice in my head telling me that it was for the best, that I needed to protect my baby, that he may be scheming and plotting against me, that self-preservation was my only priority. Thus, having satisfied myself once more that I was in the right, I waited for him to come to me. He didn't, of course, and so as the afternoon wore on I felt more and more annoyed. When the hour arrived for dinner, I decided to brazen it out.

He was already sitting down when I arrived in the Great Hall, and was drumming his fingers on the table in front of him. As I sat down beside him wordlessly I could feel his eyes boring into me. He said nothing. After a while, I said,

"You're staring at me."

"I'm trying to gauge your mood," he replied evenly.

I shot him a glance and said tonelessly, 

"Why bother now? You haven't been bothered all afternoon!"

His eyes narrowed. He leaned over and put his mouth to my ear.

"Ella, have I done something to upset you? If I have, and if it warrants an apology, then I apologise, but let's just stop this silly game, shall we?"

Without acknowledging what he had said, I announced,

"I'm not hungry," and pushed away my plate. "I'm going to bed."

He followed me silently out of the Hall, and as I turned to go across to the main door, he grabbed my arm and said in a low voice,

"Our rooms are _this_ way."

"They're _your_ rooms, Severus. I'm only there by invitation"

"And the invitation still stands!" he said through gritted teeth, his eyes flashing angrily.

Unwillingly I let him lead me down the steps and, after I had made him release my arm, we walked in silence. Finally we entered his office and he turned to me and asked,

"Ella, what's going on? I don't understand this, and I don't like it!"

His anger had evidently begun to evaporate as we had made our way back to the dungeons, and I realised mine had too, because now I couldn't fail to be moved by the bewilderment in his voice. I crossed the room to him, putting my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest. He hesitated, then put his arms around me, holding me tightly, stroking my hair and waiting for me to speak. I felt a familiar stirring of desire deep in my womb, and sank against him, unwilling and unable to fight it any longer for now. I sighed heavily and simply said,

"Just love me, Severus."

"You know I do...you ought to by now."

I squeezed my eyes tight shut and breathed him in. I loved him so much, what was wrong with me? Why did these awful thoughts keep plaguing me? He put his hands on my shoulders and looked down into my eyes, puzzled. He sighed deeply, and I let him lead me through to the bedroom without a word, let him undress me reverently, watched as he himself disrobed and stood before me, wanting him as much as he evidently wanted me.

I took a step towards him, drawn to him as surely as a magnet to metal, and was instantly enfolded, his strong arms around my waist, my head falling back so that he could nuzzle my neck, kissing and nipping my shoulder and the soft flesh above. I wound a stray lock of his hair around my fingers as my other hand caressed his back, letting the sensations course through my body, losing myself in my want for him. His arousal pressed against my abdomen, hot, hard, and I wrapped one leg around his thigh, rubbing against him, making him moan softly and pull me tighter to him. Clinging to one another we made our way to the bed, and fell on it. Severus' breathing was ragged now, and his tongue found my mouth, hungrily licking my parted lips before darting in and out. His hand cupped my breast and I arched my back, longing for the feel of his thumb across my nipple. 

I sighed into his mouth, and returned his kiss. His hand left my breast then, and travelled down to the insides of my thighs, caressing me firmly, moving closer all the time. I couldn't bear it, and gripped his wrist to move his hand to the place I was desperate for it to be. He sighed as he found my wetness, and slipped a finger inside me while the palm of his hand cupped my mound and pressed insistently, making me cry out in shallow gasps. I gripped his shoulders to pull him over on to me. He thrust into me then, his own passion commanding no further delay, and I felt as if I would drown in him. 

Wave after wave of pleasure crashed over me now, each one bringing me closer to release. With every thrust I whimpered, my toes tingling, then my legs, my breasts, my whole body, until my explosion came at last, so powerfully that I felt I should never recover. As I convulsed, and my internal muscles contracted around him, I looked at him. He was beyond thought now, eyes closed, his ecstasy plain on his beloved face. I felt heat pour from him into me as he gasped out my name, and I drew his head down to my breast and waited for our trembling to subside.

Later, I had thought. Later, he'd ask me what had been wrong, and I'd either have to tell him, or I'd have to lie. But he didn't, and so I did neither.

Instead, over the next few weeks, I questioned him endlessly about his past. The scenes that Voldemort had shown me of when Severus was loyal to him now returned to me in my nightmares and spilled out from them into my waking life, eating away at me. I didn't stop to think of what my sudden interest was doing to Severus. In the beginning, when I would ask, he would sit down with me on the rug in front of the fire, and I would hold his hands as he talked through it. Haltingly, awkwardly, he would tell me of potions he had brewed, believing them to have been used for nefarious purposes, yes, he was anything but naive, but only realising the full extent and horror of what he had done when it was too late.

As time went on, and over a period of a few weeks, my questioning became more insistent, more accusing, and far more personal, and I grilled him about the particular potion that had killed my mother, my father, and my sister. I was so dogged that he would eventually lift pain filled eyes to mine and plead with me,

"For pity's sake, Ella, do we have to do this again? You know I'll be sorry for the rest of my life." and "I've led a ruined life until now, you know full well that you're my redemption, isn't that enough for you?"

It was never enough for me. My subconscious mind would not leave it alone. It festered within me and grew, along with his child in my womb.

I found myself snapping at him for no real reason, and he in turn would snap back waspishly.

"You liked the power trip when you were a Death Eater, didn't you? You miss it now."

"What?"

"That's why you're such a complete bastard to everyone."

"Ella..."

"No wonder all your students dislike you so..."

"Oh, for pity's sake, _shut up_! Stop going on and on and on - give me a break!"

"Don't talk to me like that!"

"_Me_ talk to _you_ like that?"

"I don't have to put up with this. You treat me like dirt sometimes, you really do."

"Hah! I nearly _died_ for you, or have you forgotten that? No, I actually _did_ die for you!"

"But you lived, to torment me, didn't you?"

Arguments like that would result in my storming out, back to my own rooms.

I took to using the emerald there to see what he would do after I had gone. He would pace up and down his room, and go to the bottle of whisky he kept in his office. Then he would sit in his armchair and drink, brooding into the flames. Sometimes my heart yearned for him, and I would go back, stealing in quietly, climbing on to his lap and burying my face in his neck, telling him "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry" until eventually he would relent and put his arms around me wordlessly. 

On other occasions, I would examine every nuance of his expression, and when I was in such a frame of mind, I would see every twist of his mouth, every impatient frustrated gesture, as a sign of his duplicity.

Once, I watched him leave his rooms and head purposefully for the infirmary, rapping on the door of Madam Pomfrey's private rooms there, getting her out of bed. I watched as he paced up and down the empty ward, gesticulating wildly, greatly agitated, while Madam Pomfrey listened and tried to placate him. I knew he was talking to her about me, and convinced myself they were still plotting against me.

I would use the emerald during the day, too, in order to see what he did when I wasn't around. I was disturbed at the length of time he spent brewing his potions. Remus had enough Wolfsbane to last him for months, I knew, therefore Severus must, I reasoned, be doing something worthy of my suspicion. He became so absorbed in his work, I was convinced he must be doing something important to him, like ridding himself of his unwanted child in the most effective way he knew. Poison.

And as time went on he had become even more impatient than before with his students. Watching him teach, I was unable to hear his words, but realised to my horror that his menacing cruelty had begun to reduce some of his female students to tears. I never once stopped to wonder whether his bewilderment and frustration over my erratic behaviour was a contributing factor to his ever-worsening treatment of his students.

 "I spied on you again today," I told him one February day, as I sat on a desk in his classroom.

"How diverting," he replied dryly, engrossed in a pile of marking.

"Actually, no," I said, wound up and spoiling for a fight. "I'm finding it all rather tedious now. All you seem to do is brew those damnable potions and terrorise your students!"

He placed his quill carefully on the desk, and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, then rubbed his eyes saying quietly,

"I am employed as a teacher at this school, Ella. I have many responsibilities, which include both making potions and making my students take their lessons seriously. Much as I would love to spend all day in bed with _you_, I...."

"This isn't about _sex_, Severus! The sex is great, mind-blowing, but this is about you! _Us_! Can't you just lighten up?"

He got to his feet and came over to me, putting one hand at each side of the desk, hemming me in, and said in a low, dangerous voice,

"It has never been about _sex_, Ella! You and I have _never_ just 'had sex'! Don't belittle what we are to each other like this! But remember, I am who I am. You should not toy with me. You ought to be very well aware of my feelings for you, but that doesn't mean I'll let you abuse them, or me! Now, leave me to finish my work. I'll see you later."

I shrank from him, fearing the steely determination in his eyes. What did he mean by it? He straightened up and I glared at him, stalking out of the classroom without a backward glance.

I pondered his words as I walked slowly to my rooms. Don't toy with me, he had said. Was he threatening me? Of course he was, I already knew very well how he planned to get rid of my baby. Him and Madam Pomfrey. It was obviously only a matter of time before he showed his true colours. I resolved there and then that I had to get away, especially as I was fifteen weeks along and would soon begin to show, but to whom should I turn for help? 

I was to find out at the Valentine's Ball.


	22. I Made Excuses And Ran

Chapter 24__

**_I Made Excuses And Ran_**

Ne me quitte pas, il faut oublier

Tout peut s'oublier qui s'enfuit deja_

Oublier le temps, des malentendus

Et le temps perdu. A savoir comment

Oublier ces heures qui tuaient parfois

A coups de pourquoi le coeur du bonheur

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Moi je t'offrirai des perles de la pluie

Venues d'un pays ou il ne pleut pas

Je creuserai la terre jusqu'apres ma mort

Pour couvrir ton corps d'or et de lumiere

Je ferai un domaine ou l'amour sera roi

Ou l'amour sera loi, ou tu seras reine

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas. Je t'inventerai

Des mots insens_s que tu comprendras

Je te parlerai de ces amants-la_

Qui ont vu deux fois leurs coeurs s'embraser

Je te raconterai l'histoire de ce roi

Mort de n'avoir pas pu te rencontrer

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

On a vu souvent rejaillir le feu

De l'ancien volcan qu'on croyait trop vieux

Il est parait-il des terres brulees

Donnant plus de ble qu'un meilleur avril

Et quand vient le soir pour qu'un ciel flamboie

Le rouge et le noir ne s'epousent-ils pas?

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas. Je ne vais plus pleurer

Je ne vais plus parler. Je me cacherai la

A te regarder danser et sourire

Et t'ecouter chanter et puis rire

Laisse-moi devenir l'ombre de ton ombre

L'ombre de ta main, l'ombre de ton chien, mais

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

(Jacques Brel)

Naturally, Severus didn't want to attend the Valentine's Ball. I had spent days chipping away at him about it until he had finally exploded and bellowed,

"Give me some peace, woman! You know that hearts and flowers and silly love notes mean _nothing_ to me! Giggling schoolgirls and shallow sentiment? Hah! It's all rubbish, none of it's _real_! And I don't know how that charlatan Trelawney persuaded Albus into it in the first place!"

"But I want to go! It'll be fun!"

"Fun?" he sneered, glaring at me.

"Yes, _fun_! Ever heard of it?"

"Pah!"

"Fine, don't come. I'll get someone else to take me. Like Sirius," I added as a parting shot as he swept out of the room to go and take his class. He froze, and turned to me saying icily,

"You will _not_. I won't let you!"

I raised my eyebrows at him mockingly, and he slammed the door shut behind him. 

I spent another night in my own rooms that night, and was undisturbed.

The night of the ball arrived. We had circled round the subject, and each other, very warily since our latest spat, and, unsurprisingly, had not marked Valentine's Day with gifts or cards. I avoided him all day, an easy task these days, and when evening came I spent a long time in my rooms, dressing for the ball.

 I had chosen to wear a long velvet dress in a deep burgundy shade, with a low neck and fitted sleeves and bodice. The skirt flared out from my hips and was panelled with rose-patterned lace of the same colour. These panels were visible only when I walked, or danced, when the skirt would fan out about me. My hair was held back from my face by a golden band, and it cascaded down my back in thick ringlets. I had outlined my eyes in kohl so that they smouldered, and my lips and nails were painted in glossy wine, to match my dress. I was delighted with the overall effect, pregnancy beginning to enhance my natural voluptuousness to pleasing proportions. Now all I had to do, whether Severus chose to attend or not, was to make sure that he at least caught a glimpse of what he was missing.

Smiling at my reflection in the mirror as I left the room, I made my way to the Great Hall, filled with nervous anticipation.

It looked like Severus' worst nightmare, I thought as I gazed around me. The long refectory tables were gone for the evening, replaced by a multitude of small round ones bedecked in pink tablecloths. The chairs were pink velvet and gilt. Large pink and silver balloons tied with silver string festooned every table, and crystal bowls of sweet marshmallows and sherbets were placed on each one. The light was provided by hundreds of pink candles and, looking up, I could see that the ceiling was covered in plump little cherubs who were busily shooting golden arrows back and to.

Zonko's Everlasting Bubbles fell from the ceiling and were kicked about underfoot as they bounced in the ankle-deep pink swirling mist, which obscured the floor.

"Good grief, I'm walking through a swamp of candy-floss!" I thought distastefully. I stamped on a few of the bubbles, and noticed with some satisfaction that they did not live up to their name. 

Sybill Trelawney wafted past me in a haze of lavender, and peered at me owlishly.

"This is the night where your dreams will come true..." she said portentously.

"Oh, great, I can't wait!" I thought ironically, scowling at her retreating form as she drifted along with a tinkling of silver bells. "She's sewn bells on to her shawl!" I thought in disbelief.

Hermione waved me over to our table, where Remus, Harry and Ginny, Parvati and Ron, and Sirius greeted me. Sirius stared as I approached, and I noticed to my surprise that he had eschewed his dress robes in favour of muggle dress. He wore tight black leather trousers and a crisp white linen shirt with a loosely knotted black tie. His long, glossy black hair was tied into a ponytail with a leather thong. I had to admit, he looked amazing, and the look in his eyes told me he was quite impressed with me, too. He pulled out a chair for me and as I sat down said, 

"No Severus tonight, Ella?"

"I don't think so," I said casually, my heart lurching at the sound of his name. "This isn't really his type of thing!"

"Hah! _That's_ the understatement of the year!" he replied. "But still, I'd have thought he'd make the effort...for you..."

I wasn't in the least bit hungry. I kept picking at my food, pushing the heart-shaped potatoes and asparagus tips around my plate, more interested in watching for Severus' entrance. I wondered what he was doing, and I wished I'd worn the emerald pendant. It was in his bedroom, on the dresser. I wondered if he knew, and realised that if he did he would probably be taking advantage of the opportunity I had given him, standing over his cauldron at that very moment, brewing up goodness knew what vile concoction, and wishing me ill. I shivered, both longing and dreading to see him. 

Hermione kept looking at me strangely, too, and whispered to Remus furtively. I glared at her, wondering how much she knew about the plot, and when Sirius offered me another glass of effervescent pink champagne I took it eagerly. 

I looked around the room for Madam Pomfrey and sure enough, there she was, with Madam Pince and Professor Flitwick. The latter two were engaged in animated conversation, but she was watching me, a slight frown on her face as I drained my glass. I was beginning to believe that the entire faculty was in on the plot to help rid Severus Snape of his unwanted child. I looked up to see Sirius gazing at me intently. Well, perhaps not the entire faculty, I thought. There was no way Sirius and Severus would ever willingly be on the same side, save for against Voldemort.

I smiled softly and said to him,

"You're staring!" 

He laughed, embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, Ella, I don't mean to. But- well, you _do_ look lovely tonight!"

I felt a blush creep from my cheeks and down my neck, and watched his eyes as they followed it.

All the plates were magically cleared away, and Dumbledore clapped his hands to signal the start of the dancing. Hermione, as Head Girl, was expected to open the dancing, and so, squeezing Remus' hand under the table with a glowing smile, she stood up, taking the hand of Ernie Macmillan, Hufflepuff's Head Boy. Remus looked after her, longingly, as she walked to the middle of the room.

After a while, other couples began to join in the waltz, and Sirius turned to me and said,

"Shall we?"

"I don't know, I haven't danced in years!"

"That dress was _made_ for dancing," he insisted, his hand outstretched, "And so were you!"

Blushing again, I let him lead me by the hand on to the dance floor. Still holding my hand, he placed his other hand on my hip and I put mine on his shoulder as he drew me closer to him. His shoulders were broader than Severus', but apart from that they were of roughly the same build and height. I felt a slight stirring of desire deep inside me, and flushed, not knowing whether I desired Sirius for himself or simply because I had been reminded of Severus and the closeness I was missing. 

I put it out of my mind and tried to concentrate on what my feet were doing, and I was soon able to relax as my body remembered how to waltz. Sirius was an excellent dancer, and he began to sweep me around the dance floor with abandon, making me giddy and breathless with laughter. Another waltz followed, and we stayed on the floor. As he span me round, my dress circling out around me, I caught a glimpse of something black and brooding standing alone by the wall. Severus. 

I turned my head to look at him. He was white-faced, his jaw clenched, his eyes two pieces of coal, burning with jealousy. The music changed to a tango rhythm, and Sirius, who did not appear to have seen his rival, or noticed me stiffen in his arms, laughed exuberantly and said,

"Ah! A tango! Let's see if I can remember how..." bending me back and pulling me up to him again, his hand reaching down to my rear as he pretended to kiss my neck.

In an instant Severus was behind him growling in a low voice,

"Take your hands off her, Black!"

"Oh, hello Severus, so glad you decided to join us, but you know, this isn't a gentleman's excuse me, so if you don't mind-"

"I _said_ get your filthy hands _off_ her!" Two red spots blazed in Severus' cheeks. He was white with rage.

"Severus, we were just dancing!"

He snapped his head round to fix me with a white-hot glare.

"I _saw_ what you were doing! Come with me. NOW!"

His breath reeked of whisky and he grabbed my arm roughly.

"But I want to _stay_. I want to dance with _you_!"

His lip curled and he sneered, "I don't dance! Now do as I say, we're going!"

"She doesn't want to! Now bugger off, Banquo!"

Incandescent with pent-up rage, Severus drew his wand.

"Severus, NO!" I screamed, but luckily at that moment Hermione came up behind him and plucked it from his hand. He opened his mouth, ready to let loose a stream of invective, but thought better of it and instead drew back his hand and punched Sirius with all his strength. Sirius staggered backwards and fell on to the floor, where he stayed, glaring at Severus, wiping his bloodied nose on the back of his hand. At that moment, the Headmaster came up behind me and said,

"Professor Snape, in my office please. And you too, Miss Redemte."

Sneering at Sirius with hatred on his face, Severus swept out of the Great Hall, stunned students scattering before him. Fighting back my tears, I followed with Dumbledore.

"Would you like to explain yourself, Severus?" Dumbledore asked in a mild tone that belied the anger in his pale blue eyes. "Assaulting a fellow teacher in a room full of students is not what I consider to be acceptable behaviour. Do I have to ask you to take a sabbatical?"

"Black started it!" snarled Severus, arms folded as he glowered out into the darkness beyond the window.

"It's my fault, Headmaster," I said tremulously. "I should leave. I- I _want_ to leave. Severus and I have been having problems recently-" I faltered as he turned to look at me incredulously- "and I need to get away for a while."

My heart ached when I saw the disbelief and bewilderment on Severus' face.

"_What_?" was all that he could say.

"We row all the time, you drink too much-"

"You've been driving me to it recently, woman!"

"You're so withdrawn and secretive - "

"_You're_ the one that can't bear to share my bed any more!"

"And you wonder why!"

"Yes, I bloody well _do_ wonder why! _Tell_ me why!"

"You _know_ why."

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" he spat bitterly, turning back to the window. 

Dumbledore sighed, and then looked at me thoughtfully.

"Are you sure that leaving here is what you want?" he asked quietly. I nodded, stifling a sob as I saw Severus' fists clench at his sides. "Where will you go?"

"Beauxbatons" I said. "Severus, don't try to follow me."

"Hah!" he ejaculated in a strangled tone. "You flatter yourself! You have _such _a high opinion of yourself, don't you? Now, if you'll excuse me – I don't want to listen to this any more," and, taking a pinch of Floo powder from the tin on Dumbledore's mantelpiece, he muttered "Dungeons!" With a last bitter glance at me, his mouth twisting, he was gone.

I took a deep, shuddering breath and sank into a chair. Dumbledore turned to me and said,

"Ella, is there anything at all that you would like to explain to me?"

I shook my head dumbly.

"Very well," he said heavily, after a long pause. "It's getting late. I will have Hagrid take you to Hogsmeade in the morning. For now, I suggest you go back to your rooms and get some rest. Think carefully about the consequences of your actions. And sleep on things. Running does not help, if we cannot escape that from which we run. Sometimes we must confront it."

I stood up, brushing tears from my eyes with the back of my hand.

"And, ah, will you be making your peace with Professor Snape before you go?"

I shook my head vigorously.

"I daren't," I said truthfully. 

"Well then, so be it."

I lay on my bed clutching my pillow to me. I truly didn't dare see Severus before I left. I was afraid of his wrath, afraid he would kill me with his words. Afraid he would make a last-ditch attempt to harm my baby. His baby. Afraid to see the pain and the hurt in his face and know that I was the cause. And afraid that he would be able to persuade me I was wrong and that it was all in my mind.

And was I wrong? Could it all be in my head? Before I could consider that possibility there was a soft knock at my door. It was Hermione.

"Ella, what on earth's going on? And why's your bag packed?"

"I'm leaving."

"You _can't_! Why? Have you told him? Is that what this is all about? Oh, Ella, please, you can both work this out, surely?"

I looked at her narrowly. She was in on it too, I knew suddenly. Why else would she have come? Why else would she be desperate for me to stay?

Playing it cool, I replied,

"We're at each other's throats all the time, Hermione."

"Look, I went to see Professor Snape just now."

"Why did you do that?" I asked suspiciously.

"I went with Remus, he was worried about him. At first he wouldn't let us in, he's very upset, but when he did he gave me this for you, will you take it with you? "

She handed me the black lacquered box. I took it from her, my hand shaking, and thanked her grudgingly. "How was he?" I asked, unable to stop myself.

She gave me a look that said, "What do _you_ think?"

"Look, I know what I'm doing, Hermione," I said coldly. "Now, if you'll excuse me..."

Puzzled hurt in her eyes at my brusque dismissal of her, she left, and I was alone again. Tomorrow, I thought. Tomorrow my baby will be safe. Even if it means never seeing Hogwarts, or Severus, again, it'll be worth it. I kept telling myself that, over and over, as I packed.

The next morning I was ready early. I sat on my bed, my bag packed beside me, and waited for Hagrid. The black lacquered box was on my dresser and I stared at it pensively. I couldn't decide whether or not I should take it with me. I didn't think I had the right, but on the other hand, he had given it to Hermione for me. At last there came a knock at the door. It was Hagrid, come to tell me the carriage was waiting. He lifted my bag from the bed and said in a gruff voice,

"Yer ready then?"

I took a deep breath and stood up.

"Let's go." I took a last look around my room, my heart aching as I remembered all the happy memories I had. As I moved to leave, my eyes alighted on the dresser once more.

"Wait a minute!" I decided, and went over to the dresser to pick up the box. Try as I might not to love him, I couldn't let go. Not completely. Not yet.

                          *************************************************

AUTHOR'S NOTE;

I used the song at the start of this chapter because it's such a sad song! In Dumbledore's office when  Severus looks at Ella before leaving, these words describe pretty much how he feels, but can't put into words.

Here's my translation. It's not a word-perfect translation, it's a difficult song, but it gets the sense of it across, so please don't flame me for it! Oh, and by the way, you may know the tune…it was released in English as 'If You Go Away'. Nowhere near as heart-rending!

Don't leave me, we must forget,

Everything which is past can be forgotten.

Forget all the misunderstandings, and the wasted time

Trying to understand how to forget those hours 

Which sometimes killed our happiness with blows of 'why'

Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me.

I will give you raindrops from a country where it does not rain

I will plough the earth even after I die

To blanket your body with gold and light.

I will make a land where love will be king,

Where love will be law, where you will be queen

Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me.

Don't leave me. For you, I will say 

The sweet nothings that you want to hear, that you will understand.

I'll speak to you of lovers whose hearts were twice set ablaze,

I'll tell you the story of a king who died because he couldn't meet you,

Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me.

The fire of a dormant volcano can often be revived,

There are even ravaged lands which can still give more wheat than the best April.

And when evening comes and the sky is aflame

Don't the red and the black wed?

Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me.

Don't leave me. I won't cry any more,

I won't speak any more. I'll simply hide here, 

Watching you dance and smile, listening to you sing and laugh.

Let me become the shadow of your shadow,

The shadow of your hand, the shadow of your dog, but

Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me.


	23. Still Falls The Rain

**_Chapter 25_**

**_Still Falls The Rain_**

There was a chill in the air as Hagrid and I travelled in the horseless carriage to Hogsmeade, and I could see my breath in front of me as I huddled deeper into my cloak. I wished I still had my old school scarf, to warm my neck and cover my mouth, and I remembered wearing Severus' Slytherin scarf on Christmas Day. That had been one of the happiest days of my life, I reflected, and I wondered what on earth had gone wrong.

Hagrid left me to my thoughts for the most part, until we were trundling down the main street towards the Three Broomsticks. As the carriage slowed down he turned to me and said gruffly,

"Are yeh sure yeh want ter go?"

"No, I'm not, but I have to go. It's for the best."

"'Ow can it be fer the best when yer both so miserable?"

"We'll get over it!" I said lightly.

"I doubt _tha'_!"

He eyed me quizzically, unconvinced, and when I made no reply he shook his head, muttering to himself, "As stubborn as they come, an' no mistake."

He helped me down from the carriage and my legs began to shake. Covering my mouth with my hand, I tried not to cry, but failed. I felt so sad, and so alone. Hagrid put his great hand on my shoulder, embarrassed, and said,

"Come on, let's get yer inside, I'll have Rosmerta fetch yer a brandy."

"No, no, I can't, really, Hagrid. I'll be fine."

"Well, why don't yer let me send fer Hermione?"

"Because she's part– no. No, it's okay, really, don't worry about me. I just need to get on with it, that's all," I said, drying my tears with Hagrid's proffered handkerchief. "This is the hardest part."

"Hmm, well, if you say so," he said, unconvinced.

I stepped into the fireplace in the snug at the Three Broomsticks with some trepidation. I took a fistful of Floo powder and shouted,

"The Leaky Cauldron!" and was on my way. I hated travelling by Floo, but it was less traumatic for me than attempting to apparate. I had always found unaccompanied apparition very frightening, and my kidnapping by Lucius Malfoy had made me even more distrustful of it as a means of transport. Floo, while turbulent and not good for my stomach, was nevertheless the preferred option. I could have done it the Muggle way, but sixteen years of living ,for the most part, away from the wizarding world had left me weary of it.

Several fireplaces later, however, I was beginning to see the benefits of more conventional modes of travel. I was dusty, hot, queasy and completely fed up by the time I finally tumbled into a small _pension_ in the middle of nowhere, where a small round wizard clad in rustic clothes awaited me.

"Ah, mademoiselle, vous etes arrives! Ca va?"

My foreign language skills, while competent, were not sufficiently fluent to allow me to be irritable in anything other than my mother tongue, so I simply replied,

"Ca va bien, monsieur. Est-ce que vous allez m'emporter jusqu'au chateau?"

"Oui, oui, Madame Maxime veut bien vous revoir!"

"Merci, monsieur."

"Je vous en prie. Allons-y!"

We emerged, blinking, into the bright sunlight of an unseasonably warm French day, and I removed my winter cloak before getting on to the donkey-cart that was to be our transport to Beauxbatons. The journey was pleasant, if a little slow, but a combination of too much travel by Floo, strong sunshine and bumpy French country lanes left me feeling very nauseous and a little light headed by the time the chateau shimmered into view. 

I was relieved when I could finally get down from the cart, which stopped in a shaded part of the central courtyard of the chateau. The air was rich with the scent of jasmine and wisteria, which climbed the walls and were trained across small gazebos placed in each corner. It was intoxicating, but did nothing to settle my stomach, and I felt on the verge of passing out.

The small wizard must have noticed me steady myself against the cart, because he came bustling round to me and offered his arm, a look of alarm on his kindly face.

"Venez par ici, Mademoiselle. Vous etes malade, non?"

"Non, je ne suis pas malade."

A shadow fell over me, and a familiar voice said curiously,

"No, you are not ill, are you, ma petite? You are…_enceinte_, n'est-ce pas? 'Ow you say, pregnant?" 

I turned to see Madame Maxime beaming down at me, her arms outstretched. We kissed one another in the usual French fashion, twice on each cheek, then she led me into the cool of the entrance hall and, from there, into an elegantly furnished _salon _whose picturewindows overlooked manicured lawns which swept down to the river.

Sitting beside me on a very large Louis Quinze style sofa, she regarded me enquiringly.

"I am correct, am I not?"

"How on earth did you know? Apart from Hermione, I've only told Madam Pomfrey!"

"Your face looks ill, cherie, but your body, eez blooming, non?"

"I feel sick…" I murmured, wiping perspiration from my forehead.

"Drink zis. It will 'elp. And zen, you must rest. We will talk later, yes?"

I nodded, and took the proffered glass of iced tea gratefully. Sitting back against the antique silk upholstery, I sipped it and felt myself relax. I felt safe.

We made small talk while we drank, and I gave Madame Maxime a crumpled letter Hagrid had retrieved from deep in his coat outside the Three Broomsticks. She tore it open excitedly and scanned it.

"Oh la la!" she simpered, "My 'Agrid says 'e will come to visit me in the 'olidays, in May!"

Smiling at her fondly, I set down my empty glass and she took that as her cue to suggest that we go to my rooms.

I had been allocated a small suite of rooms almost directly above the _salon_ which we had just left. The door opened on to a small hallway. To the left was the bedroom, decorated in French rustic style with blue gingham and white paintwork, which overlooked the courtyard. Ahead was an elegant marbled bathroom, and to the right a spacious living room with windows on two sides, overlooking the lawns and the river. This room was less formal than the salon we had just left, and I was thankful that the sofas appeared to be far more comfortable, too.

"Thank you, it's lovely!" I enthused as Madame Maxime fussed around, plumping cushions and straightening curtains.

"We want you to feel at 'ome while you are wiz us," she smiled. "Now rest, ma petite!" She swept out  out like a galleon in full sail, leaving me to settle in.

House elves had unpacked my luggage as soon as I had arrived, so there was nothing for me to do. I looked out of the window on to the formal gardens below, noting the fantastically shaped topiary which depicted dragons, unicorns, centaurs, hippogriffs and all manner of magical creatures.

"No wonder Hagrid keeps asking Professor Sprout for permission to plant new shrubs," I mused, "since he loves to be surrounded by magical creatures. He must love it here, walking through the gardens with Madame Maxime…"

I sighed, the thought of their happiness a painful reminder of what I had lost. I wandered into the bedroom and found that the house elves had placed the black lacquered box on my dressing table. I sat on the edge of the soft feather bed and looked at it. I was torn. I wanted to put it in a drawer and try to forget about it, and Severus, but I was drawn to it and picked it up, my hands shaking as I opened it and revealed the emerald inside. 

I took it out, and passed my hand over it, saying "Mirror Mirabilis!" as I did so. Indistinct grey shapes gradually came into focus and I saw Severus, hunched over the lectern in his classroom, eyes blazing fire as he spat out some invective at his class. To judge from their reaction he was being even more cutting than usual, and I put the stone back into the box quickly, not wanting to see any more. I did not want to feel responsible for his foul mood, although I knew that I was. In my heart, too, I knew that I didn't need a magic mirror to tell me how he was feeling. I sighed and lay down on the bed, stroking my belly and telling myself I'd done the right thing.

I managed to avoid being alone with Madam Maxime for the rest of that day. I didn't feel ready to answer her questions, of which I was sure there would be many. The next day, however, she knocked at my door soon after I had breakfasted, and said,

"Come, Ella, ze gardens are in bloom, we will walk!"

I liked Madam Maxime very much, and had found her very easy to talk to the previous year, but I knew that she was not an easy woman to contradict. There was a steely determination behind her smile and I would not be allowed to demur.

Once outside, we began to walk down towards the river. She linked my arm in hers as we went, but since she was at least two feet taller than I was, this made me feel rather like a small child being swept along by its mother. At length we stopped remarking on the mildness of the weather, and admiring the beauty of the landscape and the prettiness of the spring blossoms, and Madam Maxime asked me what I had known she would.

"You are carrying ze child of Professor Snape, non?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Eet eez a secret?"

I nodded.

"Eez a secret even from 'im?"

"Yes," I repeated firmly.

"May I ask why?"

"I have my reasons," I said levelly, looking her in the eye. She returned my gaze shrewdly.

"'Ow long? Three months? Four?"

"Almost four."

She nodded thoughtfully.

"You and 'e, you 'ave been through a great deal, cherie."

Swallowing a sudden lump in my throat, I could not answer. She sighed, and said,

"You will see our nurse?"

"No, there's no need…"

"Ah, but zere is! I promised Dumbly-dorr we would look after you, and so we will! You will see ze nurse."

Reluctantly I nodded my assent. A physical examination would be useful, I thought, and was in any case overdue. It was unlikely that anyone here would mean me harm.

A curved wooden bridge spanned the river, and we stood in the middle, watching the water underneath dance and splash across the stones on the shallow riverbed.

"It's lovely here," I mused, gazing down into the water.

"I come to zis bridge a lot. When I need to zink. Eez vairy _tranquille_, n'est-ce pas?"

I smiled my agreement, but thinking was the last thing I wanted to do, so I made my way back to the riverbank and dry land.


	24. When You're Without Love

Chapter 26

**_When You're Without Love_**

Dinner at Beauxbatons Academy was a far more formal affair than at Hogwarts, with the students and staff alike expected to dress in their best dress robes and observe proper etiquette at all times. Breakfast, however, was far more casual than I had been used to, and pastries, fruit and café-au-lait usually sufficed, students often eating in their dormitories while dressing, or even on their way to lessons. Consequently, I tended to breakfast in my suite, often sitting up in bed reading. One day, a week or so after I had arrived, I was doing just that when there was a loud thump at my window, followed by a tapping on the pane. A large white owl was standing on the sill. I jumped down from the bed and lifted the sash window. The owl dropped a letter into my hands and then, with a soft hoot, flew off over the battlements in the direction of the owlery.

The letter bore the Hogwarts crest, and I tore it open impatiently, wondering what it could be. It was from Albus Dumbledore, and my heart sank as I read it. The date had been set for Malfoy's trial. It was to be held in the courtroom of the Ministry of Magic the following week. I was obliged to attend, and would have to give evidence. That, however, was not all. My evidence had to be given under the influence of Veritaserum, and Severus would be there.

My heart began to race and I ran to the bathroom, heaving as I went. Several minutes later, shaking and sweating, I stripped and stepped into the shower cubicle, turning on the water jets and sinking down until I was sitting with my knees drawn up to my chest.

I didn't want to give evidence. I had always known I'd have to, but I'd thought Severus would be there with me, giving me strength. Now, I would have to do it alone, and, worse still, I would have to find the courage to face him, too. And to be on my guard, of course. An overwhelming loneliness engulfed me and my tears fell freely as the water from the shower pounded against my head and ran down my face. I missed him. I couldn't deny it. To love someone so deeply, and then to leave them, was madness! What had I done? 

Shakily I got out of the shower and reached for a towel, wrapping it around myself as I went back along the hall into the bedroom and over to the dresser. Opening the drawer I took out the black lacquered box and opened it. Then, I stopped myself. I couldn't let my emotions rule me like this. What was I thinking? To escape from the lion's den, only to throw myself back in again? I told myself firmly that nothing had changed. Severus had been responsible for the death of my family, and I had to protect myself and my baby from him now because otherwise we could be next.

I took a deep breath, and took out the emerald. I saw Severus in the staff room, with Dumbledore, McGonagall, Remus and Sirius. He was scowling at Remus, who held out his hands trying to placate him. As I watched, he turned on his heel and swept out of the room, and my view followed him, to see him slam the door behind himself and then sink against the wall, his head bent down and his hair obscuring his face. I saw his shoulders shake, twice, and as the staff room door opened and Remus came out in search of him, he straightened and strode off quickly, misery etched on his face.

I dropped the stone back into the box and shoved it to the back of the drawer of my dresser. I couldn't stand to see him like that. I assumed that they had just found out the day of the trial, as I had, and that Severus was taking badly the news that he and I would both have to attend. 

I dressed slowly, intending to see Madame Maxime at the earliest opportunity and tell her my news. I couldn't get that last picture of Severus out of my mind, however. He had looked so broken, so sad. I had to see him again, so I took out the box once more, to try to convince myself that I had been wrong to leave him. What I saw chilled me. He was standing over the large cauldron at the end of his classroom, hurling ingredients into it in a rage, his face contorted with bitterness. I dropped the pendant and took several steps backwards, horrified. Turning, I blundered out of the room with tears in my eyes, and fled.

Madame Maxime was most concerned for me when I told her I would soon have to travel to London. I had regained my composure by the time I was ushered into her office, but I could tell that she knew I had been deeply upset.

"Ze _voyage_ will be 'ard for you," she said anxiously, fixing me with the penetrating stare that she and Dumbledore could do so well. "You will see Professor Snape there, yes? At ze trial?"

"Yes."

"And will you…'ow you say…be friendly?"

I knew what she meant, and replied,

"I doubt it. He was never the easiest of people to talk to before we – when we first met. I should think he'd probably want to avoid me." Either that or tear me to shreds with his words, I thought.

"Eet makes you vairy, vairy sad," she observed, shaking her head sympathetically.

"Yes…" I whispered, with a lump in my throat.

"Zen, why are you 'ere, cherie?"

"It – it just wasn't meant to be."

She sat back and looked at me thoughtfully.

"Zat could be true, zere are _some_ zings zat are not meant to be. But zen, zere are ozzers zat _are_ meant to be. Zey are written in ze moon and ze stars, and no matter 'ow much we run, we must confront zem and embrace zem in ze end, before we find our 'appiness. Eez eet not so?"

I looked at her curiously. Her words were so familiar, and I realised I had heard those same words from Dumbledore's lips, to Severus in the Pensieve, and to me on the night of the Valentine's Ball.

"Madame Maxime, I'll be given Veritaserum. I'm afraid I'll be made to tell the whole court about the baby. I don't want him to find out, especially not like that!"

"Ze Veritaserum will not be denied. Eef you are asked a direct question, you will be compelled to answer. But, only a direct question. You must remember, only answer ze question! Nevair elaborate! Keep your silence after each answer. Zat way, you might not 'ave to let anyzing slip out!"

I sighed heavily and ran my hand through my hair as I thought about what she had said. Finally, I stood up.

"I'll leave on Wednesday. I should be back by the weekend," I said decisively. "And I shall be staying at the Leaky Cauldron."

Madame Maxime stood up, dwarfing me. 

"I will see you at dinner, ma petite. Eet is cool today. Wear your cloak, eef you go out for a walk. Per'aps you will go to ze bridge over ze river?" she said meaningfully. I smiled politely, and took my leave of her. When I went out for my walk, I didn't wear my cloak. And I didn't go down to the bridge, I went to the rose walk. I didn't want to do as she had hinted I should, and _think_. Thinking was too problematic. I couldn't stand the arguments I kept having with myself.

                ***********************************************************

My journey to London was every bit as hellish as my journey to France had been, and when Tom, the barkeep at the Leaky Cauldron, saw me, he left a pint of butterbeer half-poured and came around to greet me, showing me to my room straight away. I supposed it would not be good for business if someone came in to the bar from outside to see one of its customers looking so ill, I thought wryly.

My heart sank when I saw the room. It was the same one I had occupied on my last visit there, when Severus had come to me in the night to send me back to Hogwarts after telling me he loved me for the first time. As if I needed a reminder of him.

"I'm sorry, Tom, but do you have any other rooms free?" I pleaded.

"Oh, sorry miss, no, I don't. We're full up tonight, and tomorrow too, for that matter. It's because of the trial," he continued, dropping his voice and leaning in to me conspiratorially. "Big Hogwarts contingent staying here too, but then, you'd know that, wouldn't you, miss?"

"Thank you, Tom," I muttered, going inside and shutting the door. I sank on to the bed, faint with shock. I had known, of course, deep down, that they would be here. Where else would they stay? I berated myself for my lack of foresight. I couldn't face seeing them, not any of them, but especially not Severus, even though my heart was aching for him. Wretchedly, I curled up into a ball and buried the sound of my sobs in the pillow.

Evening came, and I didn't dare leave my room. Madame Maxime had sent me on my way with some food, namely a demi-pain, some cured ham, and fruit. I ate these now, and drank water from the tap, even though my stomach was roiling and churning. As with everything else in my life at that moment, I did it for my baby, not for myself.

I slept only fitfully that night, and woke with a headache and memories of troubling dreams. When Hermione knocked on my door the next morning and I opened it to find her standing there with so much concern on her face, I forgot my previous coldness with her and greeted her with open arms.

"Oh, Ella, I've missed you! Where _were_ you last night? I was waiting for you to come down to the bar and see us, but you never came, and Professor Dumbledore wouldn't let me come to get you!"

"I'm sorry. I couldn't face – anyone."

"That's what Dumbledore said. And Professor Snape stayed up in the bar all night, I think, in case you went down. Remus had to share a room with him, and _he_ says he didn't come to bed at all. I wish I could have shared with you."

"Slow down Hermione, pause for breath, can't you?" I muttered, rubbing my forehead with my forefingers, trying to take in everything she had said. He was here. He was here; he'd been waiting for me. I needed to see him. I should have gone to him last night. No. No, I shouldn't, and it was lucky I'd eaten in my room, and not had anything from the kitchens that could have been tampered with. I needed to keep a clear head.

"…And anyway, we'll all be travelling together." Hermione finished.

"What? What did you say?"

"Oh, never mind. Look, everyone will be gathering downstairs soon. We're all going by Floo, like I said. Come on, we have to go. It's _so_ good to see you!"

"Hermione, I…I don't know if I can – see him again."

She touched my arm, and looked at me seriously.

"But he loves you, Ella. I mean, _really_ loves you."

My eyes filled with tears.

"You can't _know _that."

"Oh, I think I _can_! And I know he'd love the baby too. He's been vile since you've been gone. Far more bad tempered than usual. Come back to Hogwarts with us, when this is all over? _Please_? He was quite nice when he was happy!"

I looked at her helplessly.

"I can't!"

"But _why_?"

"Oh, drop it, Hermione! Just – just _drop_ it!" I shouted, unable to take any more and beginning to be suspicious of her tenacity. "Let's just get this over with."

Grabbing my cloak I swept past her, out into the corridor, drying my eyes on the back of my hand as I descended the stairs, weak-kneed.

When I went into the bar everyone was there apart from Severus.

"Ella!" Sirius said, hugging me fiercely and then holding my shoulders, looking into my eyes. "How are you?"

"I've been better," I admitted. "How's your nose?"

He grimaced, and replied,

"As good as new now. Poppy fixed it up."

"I'm sorry, Sirius."

"Not your fault."

I turned to greet the others – Remus, Harry and Dumbledore.

"Where – where is he? Where's Professor Snape?" I asked tremulously, looking around the room anxiously and then at each of them in turn.

"Ah, he went on ahead, Ella. About ten minutes ago," answered the Headmaster. "We will meet him there," he continued, fixing me with a meaningful gaze over the top of his half-moon spectacles.

"I see," I whispered, desperately disappointed and yet relieved that he wasn't still sitting at the bar waiting for me, irrational though I knew that notion was.

Dumbledore turned to the others.

"You go on ahead. Ella and I will follow momentarily. Wait for us."

One by one, the four stepped into the fireplace, first Remus, then Hermione, Harry and Sirius. Four flashes of green fire left the Headmaster and I alone. His hands clasped in front of him, he slowly walked up to me. I stood tensely, with my arms folded, biting my bottom lip and looking at the floor. I might as well have been eleven years old again, waiting to see my teacher Professor Dumbledore about an unfinished essay. 

"How have you been, Ella?" he asked kindly. I shrugged and shook my head slightly. 

"Madam Maxime has been very kind."

"Indeed. I know you will be looked after well there. Until you are ready to come home."

I lifted my eyes and met his steady gaze.

"How can you be so sure I ever will? _I'm_ not!"

He smiled kindly.

"We are, each and every one of us, the sum of our experiences. Once you understand who you are, and how you became who you are, you will know where you belong. Now, are you ready?"

My headache pounding, I simply stared at him uncomprehendingly, and followed him to the fireplace.

We arrived in a long, windowless corridor, panelled in oak to chest height, and painted above in that sickly shade of green that used to be so favoured in Muggle hospitals the world over. The corridor was empty, but the Headmaster knew exactly where we had to go, walking purposefully a little way along until he reached a set of heavy double doors where the rest of our party was waiting. They creaked open as he tapped them with his wand, and, filled with apprehension, I followed the others as they filed inside


	25. Loneliness Is The Cloak You Wear

Chapter 27 

**_Loneliness Is The Cloak You Wear_**

**__**
    
    How can I just let you walk away
    
    Just let you leave without a trace
    
    When I stand here taking every breath with you
    
    You're the only one who really knew me at all
    
    How can you just walk away from me
    
    When all I can do is watch you leave
    
    'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain
    
    And even shared the tears
    
    You're the only one who really knew me at all
    
    So take a look at me now
    
    Well there's just an empty space
    
    And there's nothing left here to remind me
    
    Just the memory of your face
    
    Well take a look at me now
    
    Well there's just an empty space
    
    And you coming back to me is against the odds
    
    And that's what I've got to face
    
    I wish I could just make you turn around
    
    Turn around and see me cry
    
    There's so much I need to say to you
    
    So many reasons why
    
    You're the only one who really knew me at all
    
    So take a look at me now
    
    Well there's just an empty space
    
    And there's nothing left here to remind me
    
    Just the memory of your face
    
    Well take a look at me now
    
    Well there's just an empty space
    
    But to wait for you is all I can do
    
    And that's what I've got to face
    
    Now take a look at me now
    
    I'll still be standing here
    
    And you coming back to me is against all odds
    
    It's the chance I've got to take
    
    Take a look at me now
    
    (Phil Collins)

****

The room was long and grey, with a row of narrow sash windows all down one side. A table of solid oak stretched half its length, with at least thirty red velvet-upholstered chairs set at it. The room had been empty when we entered, save for one person. Severus. He stood at the far end of the room, dressed in a high-collared black frock coat and black trousers, both very heavily buttoned. Armour plated, I thought. His arms were folded, and he was staring out of one of the windows. He did not turn as we came in, not at first. All I could see, and cope with seeing, was his back. His broad back, his narrow waist. The back of his head, his black hair curling down past his collar, flicking out at the bottom the way I knew so well. As I moved further into the room his profile was revealed by degrees, his aquiline nose, his strong chin, that stray lock of hair that I was always tempted to brush back from his face. Seeing him was a physical jolt for me, knocking all the air from my lungs. I couldn't breathe. My legs wobbled and I gripped the back of a chair to stop myself falling. Someone took my arm, saying,

"Ella, are you okay?" 

It was Harry. I didn't answer, for Severus had turned at the sound of my name and he was staring down the room at me, his eyes boring into mine, piercing my soul. Of their own volition, it seemed, my legs began to propel me to him, and I ran, ran to him, flung my arms around his waist, buried my face in his chest and breathed him in, melting into him as his strong arms enfolded me, welcoming me home, and he whispered my name into my hair. And then I blinked, and I hadn't moved at all. I was still rooted to the spot and shaking, with Harry's hand still on my shoulder.

"Ella?" Harry repeated.

Severus' voice was low, but years of teaching had modulated it so that it carried perfectly, all the way down the room, and I could hear the icy malevolence in his tone as he said,

"Mister Potter, I think you'll find that Miss Redemte does not like to share her thoughts nowadays. Luckily for the prosecuting counsel, the Veritaserum should help to _loosen her tongue_!"

He approached as he spoke, his arms still folded, and I sank into the nearest chair, overwhelmed by him. No-one spoke, and he stopped a few feet away from me. From the expression on his face, it appeared that he would have preferred to be on the other side of the world. Our eyes were locked and I had to use every ounce of self-control I possessed to stop mine from welling up with tears. The tension in the air could have been cut with a knife. He evidently loathed me, I decided. He was just looking for another opportunity to carry out his plan, since I had thwarted it once already. My heart was screaming at me that no, no, it wasn't that at all, he loved me, he was desperately hurt at my inexplicable rejection of him, and was retaliating in the only way he knew how.  My inner turmoil made me gasp out loud,

"Ah!" and I felt short of breath, and dizzy. Concern flashed across his face and he took a step towards me. His hand twitched, as if he wanted to reach out to me, before he collected himself.

Just then, the door opened and the prosecuting counsel walked in. As Severus wrenched his eyes from mine and, along with Dumbledore, turned to greet her, Hermione leaned over me and hissed in my ear,

"Ella, your _blood pressure_! Have you had it checked lately, because _I_ think it's sky high!"

"Yes, it's been up, okay? Is it any wonder?" I muttered back, before turning my attention to the new arrival.

She was tall, blonde and glacial, and I wondered whether any Veela blood ran through her veins. Her hair was tied back and coiled into an elaborate knot at the nape of her neck. Half moon spectacles, which I was convinced were only worn for effect, were perched on the end of her nose, and she wore short black robes over a knee length black dress. She had very long legs. Her gaze took in the whole room before coming to rest, with a flicker of appreciation, on Severus. I hated her.

"This is Miss Kovich," said Severus in his silkiest voice, smiling expansively. I hated him too. "She's been telling me all about what to expect today."

I bet she has, I thought grimly.

She gave us a businesslike smile, and flipped through some papers in her portfolio.

"Two representatives from the Ministry and the counsel for the defence will be here shortly to administer the Veritaserum," she said in a cut-glass accent. "You will then be escorted to the courtroom. You will sit on the witness benches. You will not speak to one another at all until after you have given evidence and taken your place on the public benches." 

"I trust that your questioning of our two star witnesses will not be too stringent?" asked Severus pleasantly, indicating Hermione and me with a sweep of his arm. "They had to live through the episode not once, but twice, and then recount it several times, and since it is not Voldemort on trial here, but Malfoy, I sincerely hope, for their sake, that your questions will be confined to the actual event of their abduction, and not the terrible ordeal that ensued?" he finished, with raised eyebrows and another predatory smile. Miss Veela looked flustered, and with her hand fluttering to her throat in a most unprofessional manner, she replied,

"Oh, no, of course, there is no need whatsoever...of course, I'm afraid I can't speak for my learned friend..."

"Of course!" finished Severus, turning back to Hermione and me and giving us a penetrating stare before folding his arms and returning to the window.

I didn't know what to think. Severus had just removed one of my greatest fears about the trial; the fear that I might be questioned about what Voldemort had done to me and that I would have to tell the whole court, including Severus, that I was pregnant. I felt so pathetically grateful, I ached to run to him. But then I had second thoughts, as I always did these days - of course, it would not be in Severus' best interests for the court to make me admit I was to have a baby, because then he wouldn't be able to rid himself of it with impunity. Sighing inwardly, and trying not to stare at him, I steeled myself to stay true to what I believed, and what had sent me away from him in the first place.

The doors creaked open once again, and the defence counsel entered, with two Ministry of Magic representatives, one of whom was carrying a box full of vials of Veritaserum. One official dispensed the clear potion to each of us in turn, while the other ticked our names off a list he held once both were satisfied we had drunk it.

It tasted bitter, and when I had swallowed it I felt coldness spread from my throat outwards, icy tendrils rushing through my body like sharp frost on a windowpane. The feeling wore off after a few moments and we all looked at one another uneasily.

"Please follow me," instructed Miss Veela, whose real name I no longer cared to remember, and we filed out slowly. Severus stood at the door, black and brooding, his presence overpowering, and he fell into step beside me as I walked past him. I dared not look at him and was painfully aware of how near to me he was walking. But oh, not near enough, and I had to swallow the moan of frustration that threatened to escape from my lips as I tried not to slip my arms around his waist, as if we were opposite poles of two magnets.

"This should be interesting!" he muttered maliciously in an undertone. His low voice sent a shiver down my spine and I didn't trust myself to answer. "Tell me," he continued, "What do you think of our esteemed counsel for the prosecution?"

The Veritaserum compelled me to respond.

"I _loathe_ her, because I think she wants to sleep with you, and she mentally undresses you every time she looks at you."

He laughed bitterly.

"And the thought of me with her upsets you, doesn't it?"

"Yes!" I snarled. "And _will_ you? _Will_ you sleep - have sex with her?" I phrased my question carefully.

He struggled not to answer but could not deny the potion.

"No!" he spat out, forcefully, glaring at me and striding on ahead into the courtroom, his fists clenched. Covering my mouth with my hand to stifle my relief, I followed in his wake.

The courtroom had been described to me, and so I had known what to expect, but nothing had prepared me for the way the place felt. Harry took my hand and squeezed it gently, saying,

"It'll be okay, Ella. Soon over."

"It's so – so loaded with memories. They're almost palpable!"

"Yes, I know. I've been here before – not really here, but I once used Dumbledore's Pensieve. It's creepy in here."

Our small group was directed to sit on the end of the two front benches along the right side of the room. Serried rows of benches, all occupied, were on all four sides of the windowless room. A single chair stood in the middle and I shivered as I saw the chains attached to its arms and legs. I shivered even more when I realised who was sitting directly behind me. Severus' gaze burned into the back of my head and it was all I could do not to turn round and lose myself in it.

I was so relieved that he wasn't going to sleep with that woman, and that he had wasted an opportunity to ask me a really penetrating question about why I left him. Instead he had demonstrated to me how hurt he was by lashing out at me, trying to make me jealous.

My thoughts were interrupted then by the arrival of Lucius Malfoy, flanked by two guards. Two and a half months in a Ministry of Magic cell had done nothing to put a dent in his self-importance, and he looked as arrogant and as aristocratic as ever. He stalked straight over to the chair in the middle of the room and sat down elegantly, looking all around him with disdain, and not even flinching when the manacles magically attached themselves to his wrists and ankles. 

I was horrified to see him turn to Hermione and me as this was happening with a slow, mocking curl of his lip. I heard Severus' sharp intake of breath behind me and knew that he too had seen the defiant gesture. Slowly I turned in my seat and looked up at him. I didn't know what I expected to see in his eyes, or why I had been compelled to find out, but he looked down at me intently, and nodded. 

I turned back to face the front once more, my heart pounding in my chest and the sound of its pumping loud in my ears. He had spoken volumes with just one look. He had shown me that despite what had happened between us, he was there for me, supporting me, willing me to be strong. Harry, sitting on my left, took my hand again and squeezed it reassuringly, and I let it rest in his.

I was the first witness to be called to the stand. I was led by one of the court ushers to a small lectern near to an empty bench diagonally opposite the witness benches, and my questioning began. Miss Veela was as good as her word, and asked me only questions pertaining to my actual abduction from the Forbidden Forest by Malfoy, and our arrival on the plateau. I was very nervous, my eyes flicking between a smirking Malfoy, the counsel, and Severus, from whose constant gaze I drew my strength.

My cross-examination, by Malfoy's lawyer, was far more problematic. He asked me to describe what Malfoy had been doing while Voldemort was occupied with Hermione and me, and later our five rescuers, as if any evidence of his inactivity or absence then could have exonerated him! I remembered Madame Maxime's sage advice and kept my answers very short, monosyllabic where I could. I could see approval in Severus' eyes as he willed me on. And then, at last, it was all over and I was allowed to stand down.

I sank into my seat on the opposite side of the room now, and looked across at Severus, but now that I had done my duty he would no longer meet my gaze. 

I was miserable. My head was spinning with conflicting emotions and I was barely even aware of Hermione's testimony in the stand, except that it was somewhat shorter than mine. Yet again the insistent voice inside my head was doing its worst, telling me that Severus was not so concerned for me as he appeared, and it warned me not to let down my guard. So it was that when he finally looked at me once more, as Harry took the stand, I studiously looked away.

One by one we had all given our evidence under Veritaserum, and there could surely be no doubt as to Malfoy's guilt. As the judge delivered the verdict I breathed a sigh of relief, noticing Malfoy's ever-present smirk transform into a scowl of sheer outrage as he snapped his head round to look from the judge to the Minister of Magic himself, Cornelius Fudge, who was shifting in his seat looking very uncomfortable. I remembered what Severus had said about Fudge and wondered just how deeply he had been in Malfoy's pocket.

As the judge pronounced sentence – Azkaban, of course – Fudge blanched and Malfoy shouted,

"You won't hear the end of this! Someone will pay for this outrage!"

His invective could still be heard as the guards dragged him from the courtroom, slamming the door behind them. The room was filled with excited chatter as everyone filed out, except for we seven, who were silent, and a loudly dressed woman with an acid green quill, which was scribbling furiously across a large sheet of parchment.

We were led back to the room with the large table by Miss Veela, who looked at Severus expectantly and was ignored. He was too busy glaring at me, making me feel uncomfortable, although that in no way spoiled my enjoyment of watching her disappointed exit.

"Professor Dumbledore, how long will it be before the Veritaserum wears off?" asked Hermione, glancing at me anxiously.

"Oh, any time now!" twinkled the Headmaster.

"In that case," said Severus, advancing on me determinedly, "now might be a good time for Ella and me to have a few moments alone!"

"Ah, no, Severus, I don't think so. We're all drained and in need of a good rest. I believe we should all go back to the Leaky Cauldron for butterbeer."

Severus glared at the Headmaster, his mouth twisting in an unpleasant sneer as he turned on his heel and stalked back to the other end of the room. Dumbledore gave the impression that he was completely unaware of Severus' reaction as he turned back to us and said brightly,

"Shall we?" before casting a meaningful look in my direction. Pale and shaking, close to tears yet again, I nodded my thanks.

I was the first of our party to stumble out of the fireplace at the Leaky Cauldron. As I stood shaking the dust and soot from my robes Severus emerged behind me, coming up to within inches of me and saying urgently,

"Ella, we need to talk! "

I whirled round, and began to back away from him, unable to bear his proximity. 

"Oh, Severus, I don't – " I began, as my back pressed painfully into the corner of a wooden pillar. I was trapped.

"There's nobody here to rescue you from me this time, Ella! Albus was sidetracked by Fudge, so don't bother looking round me for him!"

"I don't need anyone's help! I can look after myself, I always have!"

"Yes, and I know _that's_ the truth! But I didn't think you wanted to live like that any more! Now, tell me the truth, Ella_, do you still love me_?"

"Yes!" I admitted.

"Then come _back_ with me!"

"I can't, Severus, I'm sorry – I just need time – "

"Time for _what_?" he expostulated, gripping my shoulders. He was trying to catch my gaze, but I didn't dare look him in the eye. I searched around desperately for something to focus on, eventually pinning my eyes on the row of buttons that ended underneath his chin.  His touch was intoxicating and made me wilt with longing, and I knew that if he kissed me I would be lost.

"For pity's sake, _tell me_! What's going on?"

I said a silent prayer of thanks that the Veritaserum was wearing off as I prevaricated,

"I need time on my own, to think…"

"About what?"

I wouldn't answer, and he realised that I had overcome the last traces of the potion.

"Oh, fine, _don't_ tell me!"

He released me roughly, pushing himself away from me. Running his hand through his hair in agitation, he stalked out of the room, muttering harshly with a catch in his throat,

"Consider that your last chance. Stay away from me from now on." 

I was left staring after him, weak and trembling, yearning to follow.

Sirius burst out of the fireplace almost at a run, quickly followed by Dumbledore. Seeing my agitation, Sirius said

"Where's he gone?"

I pointed to the door, miserably.

"Are you okay?"

"Do I _look_ like I'm okay?" I snapped before bursting into tears. "I want to go back to Beauxbatons now. Tonight. I'm going to go and pack."

When I descended the staircase into the bar once more, my bag in my hand, they were all still there, waiting for me. All except for Severus. I had had time to compose myself once more and although I would miss my friends I was still not sure which of them I could fully trust, apart from Sirius and Harry. I said my goodbyes and stepped into the fireplace. As I shouted out the destination for the first leg of my journey,

"La Toque Blanche, au Havre!" I saw Severus standing in the doorway at the far side of the room, his face bleak with despair. Then I was gone, tumbling through blackness, his image imprinted on my eyelids, his last words to me still ringing in my ears.

          ***************************************************************

By the time I had reached the _pension_ it had closed for the night, and the bartender was wiping down the bar. Since I had not been expected to return until the following day, having originally intended to spend another night at the Leaky Cauldron, there was no cart waiting to return me to the chateau. I was not about to try to apparate, and so I arranged to take a room for the night. Then, I sent an owl to the chateau to request that somebody collect me early the next morning. At last, I curled up in the high feather bed in my attic room, and cried myself to sleep with tears of both anguish and relief, in roughly equal measure.

Hung over and swollen-eyed the next morning from crying, I had a foul headache and an even fouler temper. I spared the kindly innkeeper from the worst of it by breakfasting in my room, pausing on my way out only to settle my bill. The donkey cart pulled up as I went outside, and I climbed in without a word. The little round wizard, for it was he, looked at me, perplexed, and beyond the usual pleasantries we passed the journey in silence. When we arrived at the chateau I thanked him and apologised for my sombre mood. He simply smiled sympathetically and murmured something about "_l'amour"_ and how "_difficile"_ it could be, but I wasn't really paying attention. I went to bed as soon as I reached my room, and remained there for the rest of the day.

Madame Maxime sent word towards evening that she expected to see me before dinner, for _aperitifs._ When I entered the _salon_, she was alone, and looked at me kindly as she patted the seat next to hers. I sat down, and she took one of my hands in both of her great ones, saying,

"Eet eez all over, yes?"

"Yes. Malfoy's gone to Azkaban. Kicking and screaming all the way, I think."

"And you were strong?"

"I tried."

"'E was zere? 'E knows yet, about ze baby?"

"No. I mean, yes, he was there, but it's still a secret." I paused, and she waited for me to continue. "He – he wanted me to explain, and I couldn't. He told me – oh, God, he told me to stay away from him!"

I broke down, and she patted my hand soothingly.

"But zis is what you _want_, no?"

"No! I don't _know_! All I know is, I miss him, and I want to be with him and I _can't_! I can't trust him any more, so why is it I still _love_ him? I can't explain, don't make me explain! Just let me stay here till the baby's born, and then I'll – I'll - I don't know, but just let me _stay_!"

"But of course you can stay, cherie! As long as you wish! But I zink, you will follow your 'eart in ze end, zere will come ze time when you will see clearly what you must do."

She produced a large square of embroidered white linen, a handkerchief the size of a dinner napkin. I blew my nose noisily and took deep, shuddering breaths as I calmed down, thinking, not for the first time, that she and Dumbledore were uncannily alike, and wondering how they could both sound so confident when predicting my future. Even_ I_ didn't know what on earth I was going to do, so how could _they_ be so sure I'd work it out?

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	26. Give Me So Much Love That I Forget Mysel...

Chapter 28

Give Me So Much Love That I Forget Myself

When all that's good seems to wear you down

When the river is far and wide

And you can't stand up for falling down

You're a believer who's found they lied

Try…to find a way

Try…to say goodbye to yesterday

Goodbye to yesterday…say goodbye…

When you push they push on you

It's hand to mouth and day to day

Do you have your baggage or do your bags have you?

You're doing fine – it's not too late

To lay your burden down and walk through Heaven's gate

Try… to find a way

Try…to say goodbye to yesterday

Goodbye to yesterday

Say goodbye

You've got to find a way to say goodbye…

(Neal Morse – 'Goodbye to Yesterday' – Spock's Beard)

Days passed, then weeks, and I was left more or less to my own devices. Madam Maxime was a gracious hostess but seemed to accept my desire for solitude. We would walk together several times a week, but she never questioned me again about my reasons for fleeing Hogwarts this time. I was relieved that she did not push me for answers I wasn't ready to give.

I thought about Severus constantly at first. It seemed that every time I used the emerald he was pensive, brooding. Melancholy. I missed him so desperately that I packed my bags five times in the three weeks following my return from London. Even though I would lie awake at night, aching so much to feel the strength of his arms around me that it physically hurt, I always managed to talk myself out of leaving my sanctuary, and my bags never even got as far as my salon before I unpacked them again.

Gradually, however, I began to come to terms with my situation, and I even learnt to subdue the dissenting voice in my head that begged me to return home. 

I used the emerald less and less, then on one occasion when I did and he was in a rage, spitting venom at a hapless sixth year, part of me felt justified in shoving it to the back of my dresser drawer and 'forgetting' about it. When I thought of him now, I made myself concentrate on his temper, his sarcasm, his Dark Mark, and his past. His power over me. His ability to hurt me. That way, I convinced myself I was right to leave him. I was talking myself out of loving him.

I saw the Beauxbatons nurse each week and was comforted to find that all was well. I was lucky to be able to take advantage of her excellent midwifery skills, which had come in all too useful at a school where so many of the female students had Veela blood and whose hormones ran riot as they reached adulthood. 

As I progressed towards the middle of my second trimester the sickness wore off and I began to bloom. I also became more aware of my baby as it moved inside me, the first fluttering taking me by surprise as I lay in bed one morning. I had been awake for a few minutes when I noticed it, a small stirring deep inside me, and I held my breath, not daring to move, in case I missed it happen again. When I felt a second tiny kick inside me I laughed out loud, placing both hands over my rounded tummy, waiting for more.

I was about to get up when I heard through my open window the sound of someone arriving in the courtyard accompanied by a flurry of giggling schoolgirls.

"What on earth's going on out there?" I wondered, then heard mellifluous male laughter and realised whose arrival had caused such a stir.

"What's _he_ doing here?" I thought, not unhappily. Dressing quickly, I had only just finished dragging a brush through my hair when there came a loud knock at my door.

I opened the door and the new arrival enfolded me in a warm embrace.

"Ella! It's been a month since the trial, and we've had no word from you at all! How _are_ you?"

"I'm fine, but oh! Sirius, it's so good to see you! I've _missed_ you!"

I wiped tears from my eyes as I led him into my small _salon_.

"Well, a hug from me doesn't usually reduce people to tears… in fact, I got quite a welcome out there!" he said, grinning, as he flopped on to one of the overstuffed sofas, pulling me down next to him.

"Mmm, so I heard," I said dryly.

"So, Hermione and Remus send their love," he said conversationally. "Hermione's studying furiously, of course. Oh, and, er, I think Snape still misses you…" he trailed off, watching me closely.

My eyes brimmed with tears, and I stood up, walking across to the window.

"And so here we are again!" he mused. "History repeating itself, although I must say, I'm glad we're here and not back at Durmstrang!"

I gave a hollow laugh and half turned towards him, glancing at him quickly through my tears.

"My God…" he breathed, realisation evident in his voice as he stared at my profile, noticing the alteration in it for the first time. "Ella, you're not-" He scrambled to his feet and, crossing the room to me in three easy strides, placed his hands on my shoulders and looked at me searchingly, "How long have you known? - Does _Snape_ know?"

I hung my head and sank forwards into Sirius' arms. Gently he held me, stroking my hair, rocking me.

"No, I couldn't tell him."

"Whyever not?"

"I just couldn't!"

"And that's why you ran away?"

"Yes. No. I can't tell you why, Sirius, but I had to leave."

"You could have told _me_, Ella. Does _anybody_ at Hogwarts know?"

"Hermione knows, and Madam Pomfrey. I don't know about Remus, or the Headmaster."

"Well, how long did you intend keeping it a secret? He'll have to know sooner or later!"

"I don't know! Oh, Sirius, leave it, please! I can't talk about this now!" and I pulled away from him, sitting down once more.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," he said, puzzled.

"Look, I'll take you down to the kitchens, we can get a late breakfast. You can tell me all the gossip from Hogwarts."

"Even the stuff that concerns you?" he said, raising his eyebrows.

"No, not that. Not just yet, anyway."

Sirius was good company and over the next few days I appreciated his presence more than I could say. He lifted me out of myself and even made me laugh. Sometimes he would study me when he thought I wasn't looking, speculatively, as if he was wondering what I was thinking. Every time I felt the conversation might be heading towards areas I wasn't ready to discuss, though, I would change the subject and he would sigh ruefully.

The French countryside was beautiful and we would often take a horse and cart out for the day, buying wine, baguettes, pate and cheese from small village delicatessens, picnicking on a bench in the village square or, more often than not, in the shade of an oak tree in the middle of a field, or beside a babbling brook.

I felt slightly guilty from time to time and wondered what Severus was doing. I left the emerald shut away in its drawer, because I knew what I would see in it were I to look, and I didn't want my heart to break. It was far easier to pretend that Severus was part of my past, irrevocably, and to live in the present. Sirius made me happy, as far as he could. He was a good friend, and if I let him hug me for longer than was, strictly speaking, proper between friends, then I told myself it wasn't because of the way his strong arms and long dark hair reminded me of my lost love.

On the Tuesday of the second week in April, ten days after Sirius arrived, the weather was unseasonably hot. We took the horse and cart out in the afternoon and followed a small winding track we had first seen a few days before, which branched off from the main road leading to the nearest village. We had speculated as to where it led, and had decided to satisfy our curiosity. As we had suspected, the track dipped and weaved through fields and small copses until it climbed to a ruined cottage halfway up a small incline. There was an old well in the garden, with a wooden pail still attached to a rope beside it, and when Sirius drew some water from the well we discovered that it was clear and quite palatable. The old mare was glad of our find, and we left her drinking from the pail while we ascended what remained of the hill on foot, to see whether we would be able to see Beauxbatons. 

The best part of twenty minutes later, we were at the top. I had taken the admittedly gentle climb very slowly, with Sirius' help, but I was still breathless and exhausted.

"Here, sit down," he said solicitously. "I shouldn't have dragged you up here, it was too much-"

"I'm fine!" I protested. "I'm not _ill_!"

Nevertheless, I collapsed on to the grass and lay back, groaning with relief. Sirius laughed and sat down beside me, shielding his eyes against the sun as he scoured the rolling countryside for sight of the chateau.

"Look, it's there, I can see it through the trees. It's quite a long way off."

Sighing and propping myself up on my elbows, I followed his pointing finger.

"Very interesting. Got anything to drink?"

"Damn, sorry, no. I left everything in the cart! Shall we go back down now?"

"You must be joking! I need a rest," I grumbled.

He leant back on one elbow and smiled at me.

"Pregnancy agrees with you."

"You reckon?"

"Yes, you're quite delightful when you're grumpy!"

My heart lurched. I knew he hadn't meant to, but Sirius had reminded that that was just the way I felt about Severus, and I suddenly ached to see him. At that moment the baby, obviously feeling that my exertion had not winded me sufficiently, chose to kick me forcefully, and I started, saying

"Oh!"

"What? What is it?"

I took his hand and placed it on my stomach, pressing it down firmly a palm's width below my ribs.

"There! Can you feel it?"

"Er…no…"

"Oh well. Maybe it's still too small yet," I said.

Sirius didn't take his hand away, however, he simply looked into my eyes thoughtfully. Suddenly I felt something wet on my cheek, first one drop and then another, and I realised it had started to rain.

"Where did all those clouds come from?" I complained, struggling to a sitting position so that Sirius could help me up.   
"Great, a storm!" he said dryly. "Come on, we'll get soaked!"

Sirius held my arm as we walked down the hill as quickly as I was able, and by the time we reached the cottage the sky was black. 

"I think we'd better shelter," he said grimly, although the rain had already plastered our hair to our faces and soaked our clothes through. We went inside and found a room that was not fully open to the sky. I shivered as the wind whistled through the cottage, and Sirius stepped towards me, gazing into my eyes as he brushed a dripping lock of hair away from my face.

"Drip drip drip, little April showers!" he smiled.

Holding my arms out from my sides as the fabric of my blouse clung to them wetly, I muttered,

"Why do you have to be so relentlessly cheerful?"

His smile faded and he regarded me thoughtfully with an indulgent sigh. 

I returned his gaze levelly, saw that his eyes were black, the irises almost gone, and I let his arms enfold me in a close embrace. I closed my eyes then and I could almost fool myself that it was Severus holding me. I slipped my arms around his waist and felt him exhale, breathing into my hair as he held me. His shirt was soaked and it stuck to his back. After a few moments he pulled back slightly and looked down at me, lifting one hand to my face in order to tilt it up to his. He gazed at me intently for a long moment, then bent his head and kissed me gently, his lips brushing mine hesitantly at first, then lingering as I did not pull away. His lips were warm and soft, but not as pliant as Severus', and he didn't taste the same. Withdrawing from him a little, I said softly,

"Do you have your wand? We need to get dry," and stepped back from him. The mood was broken, and we felt awkward now. We had crossed an invisible line and we both knew it.

The storm passed quickly, and we returned to the chateau, an uncomfortable silence between us now. I was exhausted, and told Sirius I would see him at dinner. Lying on my bed, I went over the afternoon's events in my mind until sleep claimed me.

I woke an hour later, rested and quite refreshed. I showered quickly and arrived at dinner just as everyone else had started. Sirius rose to greet me, smiling uncertainly, and I gave him a warm smile in return. I didn't want there to be any awkwardness between us, he was too good a friend for that.

Later we joined Madam Maxime on the terrace for liqueurs, as was the habit now that the weather had improved, and to my relief we were soon conversing easily again. However, I soon felt tired once more, and when I rose to return to my room Sirius said he would accompany me to my door and then retire himself. 

I took his proffered arm as we strolled along the blue-carpeted corridors, chatting animatedly about the relative comforts, or otherwise, of Beauxbatons, Hogwarts and Durmstrang, responding to the paintings of ladies with fine dresses and pompadours who wished us a coy '_bonne_ _nuit_' as we passed.

At last we arrived at my door and I turned to face Sirius, fondly placing both hands on his shoulders and reaching up to kiss him lightly on the cheek. His hands rested on my hips, and as I withdrew he leant down and swiftly captured my lips with his own. Taken by surprise for the second time that day, I didn't want to pull away. Instead I snaked my arms around his neck and returned his kiss, gently at first but then with more hunger as his arms held me closer, the way Severus' arms used to, enfolding me, making me feel safe, wanted, and loved. His tongue flicked against my teeth and I opened my mouth wider, welcoming him inside. He smelled different, he tasted different, but I needed to taste him all the same, and our tongues circled round and round, exploring, enquiring, accepting.

My legs felt weak, and I let him support me as I leaned against him, my head falling back as he trailed ardent kisses along my cheek and down my neck. I had so needed to be held like this, had missed the closeness so much, and as I clung to him, overwhelmed by memories I had been trying for weeks to subdue, I moaned

"Severus! Oh, Severus!"

We froze, and after long seconds he straightened and we broke apart.

"I- I- Sirius, I'm so sorry-" I stammered, embarrassed and confused. Sirius ran his hand through his hair, brushing it from his face, and looked at me, sadness and understanding in his eyes.

"So am I."

He sighed heavily then, and, taking both my hands in his, said gently,

"Do you think we can talk now? About why you left him?"

I nodded, opened my door, and led him inside.


	27. Don't Be Afraid To Care

Chapter 29 

Don't Be Afraid To Care

It was a relief to let it all out. I told him everything, starting with Voldemort's revelation, going on to explain how scared I'd become for my baby's safety, and how everyone had been conspiring against me until I could take no more.

Sirius listened carefully until I had finished, and when I had sat back with a sigh he moved closer to me and put his arm around my shoulders. He said gently,

"I wish you'd told me sooner. After the trial, if you'd stayed over…before it came to this."

"So do I!" I said fervently, resting my head on his shoulder. "I'm really sorry, you must feel like I've led you on…"

"I don't mean for _my_ sake, Ella."

"So now do you see why I can't go back?"

"Well, not exactly," he answered carefully. "Ella, listen, will you do something for me? Take a step back, just a little one, and look at what you've just told me? Do you think, maybe, you could have made a mistake?"

"You don't believe me!"

"Yes, yes I do! I believe every word you've said! But- maybe your perceptions haven't been that objective, that's all… Listen to me," he said hurriedly as I glared at him, "Just hear me out. I've known Snape for a very long time- and I regret most of it- but the fact is, I can't see him ever wanting to destroy something that was his. It's not in his nature. He's not a destructive man, he's very creative- look at how he is in his work, so possessive of his secrets, such a perfectionist."

"So, he could make the perfect poison!"

"And why on earth would he want to do that? Why destroy something so wonderful?"

"Because he doesn't want it!"

"How do you know? He doesn't even _know_ about it!"

"He _does_! He's _guessed_! He's guessed, and he'd prefer to be alone!"

"Oh, Ella. I spent twelve years of my life alone in Azkaban. I'd like to bet Snape has spent even longer in his _own_ prison. As little as I have in common with the man, I think I can safely say that he isn't happier alone! Besides, he's been on the firewhisky lately…he never used to drink more than the odd one, or red wine. How could he make 'the perfect poison' with his senses dulled like they have been? He isn't plotting, Ella, he _misses_ you! I believe it's called _drowning your_ _sorrows_?"

"You're confusing me, Sirius, I'm too tired for this!"

"I'm sorry. But listen to me, Ella. I- look, I spent a lot of time with Lily and James when Lily was pregnant with Harry. I know how irrational women can get when-"

"_What_?" I stormed.

"-Okay, I mean, not _irrational_, obviously, but perceptions can be skewed, and – oh, let me start again. Okay. When you're pregnant your body starts producing so many hormones, and some have a physical effect, and make you feel sick-"

"I do know that, Sirius! I'm not _stupid_!" I retorted.

"- I'm not saying you are," he countered hurriedly. "Anyway, these hormones. Is it reasonable to believe that since they can have such a strong physical effect, that they could maybe have a psychological effect too?"

"Yes Sirius, it _is_ reasonable to believe," I said impatiently, "but that doesn't mean he wasn't trying to kill our baby!"

Sirius sighed in exasperation and rubbed his eyes with his hands.

"Lily used to think James was up to all sorts of things when she was pregnant. She'd accuse him of hiding things from her on purpose, of laughing at her behind her back, even of having an affair. It drove him to distraction, and I got stuck in the middle. But as time went on she calmed down, and realised it had all been in her mind. So, I've seen this before, Ella."

I sat stony-faced, not wanting to listen. I hated the way his sound, sensible argument and his reasonable, earnest tone swayed me. I wished he would just shut up and go away, and I opened my mouth to tell him so, but stopped myself. What if there was a chance that he was right? And then it was too late, because he had started on me again. 

He went on and on, and it seemed like hours passed. He told me all about Lily and the things she told him about how she felt. I hated the way he made everything start to make sense, especially when he told me I felt guilty about my parents and my relationship with Severus.

Oh, Severus. Sirius gradually steered the conversation back round to me and Severus, and, as I sat with my head in my hands, ready to hit out at him if he didn't give it a rest, he asked me,

"Ella, do you still love Severus?" His voice seemed to come to me from a long way away.

"Sirius, I'm too tired for this. You'd better go," I replied, my voice shaking.

"Only, I'm pretty sure he still loves you."

"I can't talk about this any more!"

"Do you still _love_ him?" he persisted.

"Yes! Yes, I still love him!" I whispered as my eyes filled with tears.

"Enough to listen to what I've been saying to you?"

"I don't know, I can't think straight…you've confused me!"

"Yes, you do! You can! Do you love him enough to give him a chance?"

"Of _course_ I love him! I can't _stop_ loving him and I don't know _why_ I can't!"

"Then give him a chance!"

"_No_! Get out! Leave me alone!" I screamed at him, pushing him away from me as he tried to placate me.

"I won't see you throw this away, Ella!"

"What do _you_ care? You don't even _like_ him! Oh, but you think you're _so _clever, don't you? You think you have all the answers? Just because _Lily_ clearly had a hard time with reality doesn't mean _I _do!"

"Ella! Listen to yourself! Listen to me! And _calm down_!"

"Are you in on it too?"

"In on - oh, please, stop this! Please!"

I sat on the sofa, shaking, my head bent down between my elbows which rested on my knees, my hands clasped around the back of my neck. I rocked backwards and forwards, sobbing. Sirius edged closer to me and put his arms around my shoulders, and I sank against him.

"Ella, why did you come to Beauxbatons?"

"To get away! I feel safe here."

"Do you? Even though you're still fairly close to Hogwarts, and Snape knows exactly where to find you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I _mean_, that if you're so scared of what he might do, why isn't there an _ocean_ between you, rather than just the English Channel? You've lived all over the world, surely you know some way to make yourself disappear?"

"I – I don't know. I wanted – I wanted to see Madame Maxime. I trust her."

"Even though she's in constant contact with Albus Dumbledore? Snape's _mentor_?"

"Don't you think I should trust her?" I asked, confused.

"It's what _you're_ thinking that matters! But for what it's worth, yes, you can trust her. You can trust Snape, too!"

"No…" I moaned.

"Come on, Ella! You know you want to – if you really believed what you're saying, deep in your heart, you'd be on the other side of the world by now!"

"You aren't taking me seriously."

"Oh, I am! You can't let him go, can you? Doesn't that tell you something?"

"I miss him, Sirius! I can't _stand_ it! How can I love him so much after what he did?"

"I don't know, Ella. But you can't run away from this."

"What can I do?"

"Well, talking it all through might help."

"With _him_? No, I can't..."

"Not with Snape, no. I mean - with a doctor."

"What, a _psychiatrist_? You think I'm mad?"

"Of course not! But I do think you're wrong about Snape. Don't you sometimes wonder that yourself?"

"Yes, often, but I try not to think about it..."

"Well then." He sighed, drawing me back with him so that my head rested on his chest. I put my arms around his waist and we sat together, his hand gently stroking my back.

"So..." I said slowly, "you think he'd want the baby?"

"Yes. Yes, I really believe he would. But _you_ need to believe it too."

"You mean I need to be brainwashed into it..." I contradicted, but only half-heartedly now. I was too drained to do anything other than concede that Sirius might have a point. And I owed it to Severus, and to myself, to find out. 

As I sat with Sirius, thinking at last, I was seized with a desperate urge to see Severus again. I got up and went into the bedroom, taking the box from the back of the drawer and opening it. I uttered the incantation, ran my hand over the stone, and waited with bated breath. Severus lay sleeping, sprawled out across his bed – our bed – fully clothed, with one arm above his head as was his habit. He was more beautiful still to me in sleep and I began to cry in earnest now, aching to reach out and touch him. Sirius came up behind me and looked at the emerald over my shoulder.

"What _is_ that? What can you see?"

"Severus…" I said tearfully. "I can see him in this stone whatever he's doing. He's sleeping. Oh, Sirius, I miss him _so much_! I've tried not to, but I do! What am I going to do?"

"I think you need to talk to someone about how you've been feeling, like I said. Get it all into perspective."

"I'm scared…I'm scared of what he could do – and now I'm scared I've made a terrible mistake! What if you're right?"

"I know. I know. See the nurse tomorrow, with me? I'm sure there'll be someone here you can talk to, maybe she can arrange something…"

"You'll come with me?"

"Of course, if that's what you want. Now, lie down and get some sleep. We've been up all night."

"Will you – will you stay here, Padfoot?"

He smiled, and soon a large black dog stood before me, its tail wagging. Padding off back to the _salon,_ he settled down in front of the fire. I closed the bedroom door, and went to bed with the emerald clutched in my hand.

Sirius came with me to see the nurse the following day, and I explained to her how I had been feeling. Then we went to see Madame Maxime. She was very sympathetic and intimated that Professor Dumbledore had contacted her weeks earlier and shared his concerns. She had known it was best not to quiz me too closely, because,

"Eet eez somezink you need to work out for yourself, n'est-ce pas? Dumbly-dorr, ee eez vairy wise man." 

By the end of that day, she had arranged for a trained counsellor to come to the chateau and talk to me about how I had been feeling. She came to my apartment to tell me the news, and with a huge sense of relief, I let her enfold me in her arms affectionately. Once again, I felt like a little girl, and I had the strongest feeling that now I had told her, she was going to do her very best to make everything all right, just the way my own mother had used to do.

Two days later at the appointed time, I made my way through the chateau to a small, elegant third floor room which overlooked the central courtyard, on the opposite side to my bedroom. The room was decorated in calming greens and sunny yellows, and the window was wide open, infusing the room with the delicate scent of jasmine.

The counsellor appeared to be about my age, a small, dark haired witch with smiling eyes and a friendly, comforting manner. I felt awkward at first, but she put me at my ease and our first session was spent telling her all about my family, my relationships with them, how they had died, how I had felt when I buried them. I was emotionally drained when the hour was up, and by the time the second appointment came round, three days later, I almost didn't attend. However, Sirius made me go, even accompanying me there and waiting in the corridor outside until I came out. I was grateful for his concern and support, particularly as he would listen to me after each session when I would tell him what we had covered, and he would offer insights of his own.

That second session was harrowing. The counsellor made me confront my guilt at not being there when my parents and sister had died. I had always believed I should have been there, could have saved them. I knew deep down, of course, that there was nothing I could have done, Severus' potion had been far too sophisticated for a twenty year old novice like me to just throw together an antidote, but I felt guilty all the same. She finally made me admit out loud that I had been trying to outrun my guilt ever since. 

In the third session we got on to the thorny issue of Severus, and why I could love a man who had, albeit unwittingly, caused me so much pain.

I told her all about our relationship. How I had fallen for him so quickly, building him up in my mind before I had even met him. How his physical presence was so potent that just thinking about it made my heart race. How I had seen behind his mask and touched his soul, falling in love with his heart, his mind and his intellect as we had worked together.

Then I told her about the sacrifices he had made for me over the course of our relationship; pretending not to care for me for my own safety and nearly dying because of me; coming to rescue me and literally dying for me; and even rather more prosaic sacrifices, like losing his independence and compromising his fearsome reputation.

I found myself defending him to her, explaining that it had been Voldemort's doing more so than his, and that he given himself up to Dumbledore when he realised the enormity of his wrongdoing. She smiled when I told her that it didn't matter why I loved him. It was enough that I did, in spite of what he'd done. The more I told her about him, the worse I felt about my treatment of him, and when I had finished she asked me whether or not I realised how animated and enthusiastic I had become while talking about him. 

During one session the counsellor asked me about previous relationships. I had had a few boyfriends, I told her, and certainly hadn't lived like a nun. However, I had never been in love before Severus. Not the all-consuming, life-transforming, soul searing love I felt for him. I had always kept partners at arm's length. Moving on as soon as I felt they had become too attached to me.

But Severus had been different, right from the start, and holding myself back from him, protecting myself from the extremeness of our passion, had never been an option. Loving him, I told her, was like standing on the edge of a waterfall. I could have turned back, somehow, or trusted the fall. I had chosen to take the dive into the unknown, willingly and wholeheartedly, only to panic part way down. And until I heard myself say the words out loud to her, I hadn't even realised I'd felt that way.

We talked about the baby, too, and why I wanted it so much. I wanted Severus' child because it was a part of him, I told her, but she made me ask myself whether I had thought about what it symbolised for us both. A new beginning. A chance for me to start again, and for him to make amends. The baby would be a physical manifestation of our love, but also the bringing of life out of death. I had thought I had forgiven him the dark part of his past, but she made me realise that until I forgave myself, I would never find peace, or truly forgive him either.

I left that particular appointment brimming over with questions to ask of myself, and I barely slept between that session and the next. I think that was the point at which the scales once so firmly weighted against Severus truly began to tip in his favour.

After each session with the counsellor I could feel my suspicions melting away, like heavy chains falling from my shoulders. Now that my fears were diminishing I was coming to realise at last how ill I had been, and how tight a grip the pregnancy psychosis had had on me.

Slowly, as the weeks passed, I began to realise that Sirius had been right. I had indeed misjudged Severus badly, and ached all the more to see him and put things right, although knowing his unforgiving nature I was very much afraid that he would never take me back. I was now coming to accept that years of suppressed guilt, my kidnapping, and my own raging hormones had combined together as lethal ingredients in the crucible that was my mind, the result poisoning my love for Severus. I was relieved indeed that Sirius had browbeaten me so determinedly, and forced me to confront myself. I yearned more and more to see Severus again, to explain.


	28. The Jewel In My Hand

Chapter 30 

**_The Jewel In My Hand_**

**__**

Sirius had returned to Hogwarts, promising to keep out of Severus' way lest he antagonise him, since Severus surely would have heard where Sirius had spent the last few weeks. In between counselling sessions, therefore, I was mostly left to my own devices during the day, Madame Maxime being preoccupied with the upcoming OWLS and NEWTS. This suited me well enough, since I was accustomed to my own company. Now that I could think of Severus more positively, I embraced my natural tendency to introspection by thinking with longing of the day I would feel his strong arms enfold me once more.

I began to wear the emerald everywhere now, constantly aware of its weight and warmth against my breast. I never felt alone, for I watched Severus continually, staring into the stone until my eyes blurred with, variously, concentration or tears. To my dismay, he looked worse every day, his routine an unvarying round of classes, evenings alone by the fire, and restless sleep. He rarely went to the Great Hall for meals, in fact I rarely saw him eat at all. He spent hours watching the moving sculpture, his black eyes boring into it, studying it, poring over it. Often he would reach out and touch it, but his touch would break the charm and he would be left clutching at cold stone.

Sometimes I would stare at his image so hard, breathing his name, just in case I could make him hear me by sheer force of concentration.  I would lie awake at night, the emerald clutched in my hand, watching him as he sat by the dying embers of his fire, or as he walked wearily across to his bed, or as he lay spread-eagled across it, fully clothed, usually, and slept at last. My face would be bathed in its soft green glow, and I would stare into it until my eyelids drooped and I slept too. At least by doing that I felt I could be closer to him, even though I still yearned to touch him and let him know how deeply I regretted my unjust treatment of him.

I told the doctor I needed to return to Hogwarts, was ready, but she urged restraint and insisted I make a full recovery. Frustrated, but acceding to her clinical opinion, I decided to send him an owl instead.

I didn't go into detail, the message simply said, 

"Severus, I'm sorry. I love you and I miss you. I'll be home soon. Ella." There were no hearts and flowers, no irritating declarations of endless love. I knew how he despised 'silly love notes'. No matter how seriously I meant them, and I would have meant every word, I could well imagine how such a _billet-doux_ would have been received. 

Unfortunately, his reply a few days later was equally short and to the point. A terse, scribbled, 

"Don't bother. I told you to stay away from me from now on." 

I wasn't surprised at his response, but I had seen the owl post arrive at Hogwarts through the emerald and had witnessed the range of emotions that crossed his face as he had read my message and placed it inside his robe. I resolved to return to him as soon as I was able, and tackle him face to face.

In the mean time, I decided to send another owl, but to Dumbledore this time. I wanted to hear from him how Severus really was, and I also wanted to forewarn him of my impending return. His reply, when it arrived several days later, was brief. He told me that Severus' state of mind was causing him some concern, and that he had not seen him so distraught since he had first come to him as a Death Eater seventeen years earlier. He was pleased that I was finally laying my ghosts to rest, and said he would send someone to accompany me home.

The very next day I received a package, wrapped up in brown paper and tied tightly with string. It too was from Hogwarts, and I was surprised to find that inside was a small pensieve, securely sealed with a magical lid on which was inscribed a short message to me. It read,

"Dear Ella, please make use of this pensieve. I believe it may explain something of Severus' past to you, and may help you to come to terms with it. Yours, Albus Dumbledore."

My stomach was churning and I felt the skin on the back of my neck prickle. I was very well aware of the emotional power of memories in a pensieve, especially when such memories concerned the man I loved beyond words. I took a deep breath and set it to one side while I went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and prepare myself mentally.

 I was due to see the counsellor that afternoon and wondered whether or not I should postpone using it until after I had spoken to her about it. However, patience is not a quality I have ever possessed in abundance, and I justified my haste to myself by deciding that the secrets the pensieve held could usefully be discussed in that day's session.

So it was that a mere ten minutes after opening Dumbledore's parcel I was sitting on my sofa with the pensieve in front of me, marshalling my courage for the revelations held in its swirling mists. Leaning forward slowly, I let the pensieve pull me in.

…I was standing in the Headmaster's office. Dumbledore was pacing up and down in front of me, looking uncharacteristically anxious. If not for the length of his beard, I would not have believed I was seeing events that took place almost seventeen years before. Not until I saw Severus, anyway. As I watched there was a sharp rap at the door and Professor McGonagall entered with a cowled figure clad all in black behind her.

"Here he is, Professor Dumbledore," she said in clipped tones. "He was alone, I made sure of that."

"Thank you, Minerva," said the Headmaster, who had drawn himself up to his full height and looked more imposing than I had ever seen him before. "You may leave us now."

With a disapproving look at the Headmaster and the new arrival, she marched briskly out of the office, closing the door behind her.

"Show yourself!" Dumbledore ordered. The cowl was slowly drawn down and he shook his head. "So it's true. Severus Snape."  
Severus stood before him, a younger Severus than the one I knew but still familiar enough to make my heart race.

"I am here to throw myself on your mercy, Professor Dumbledore," he said in a low voice.

"Indeed," the Headmaster answered sternly. "For what reason?"

"Because Lily is dead. And James. And there was nothing I could do to stop him." His voice had dropped to little more than a whisper.

"And all the others, before the Potters? Did their deaths mean nothing?"

"I regret – I regret deeply every day that I spent in Voldemort's service. I don't intend ever to help him again. I won't be responsible for any more deaths. I would – I would like to use my experience for good, Professor. I would like to share my knowledge of the Dark Arts, prepare students against Death Eater attacks. And in case the Dark Lord comes back."

"And why should I place my trust in you now, Severus?"

"Because I come here of my own free will. And because Voldemort never knew of my disillusionment. And because I will, therefore, do whatever I have to do to make amends."

He stood unflinching, proud, never once breaking Dumbledore's penetrating gaze. The Headmaster nodded slowly.

"I believe you, Severus."

Severus closed his eyes briefly and his brow knotted in relief.

"Thank you, Headmaster."

"Do not thank me yet. I have not yet given you my terms. Sit down."

I watched as Severus complied, and moved closer, the better to see him. His hair was several inches longer, his face far less lined, his waist less thick. He was, in fact, painfully thin. His cheeks were hollow and his coal-black eyes were haunted and suffering. This was the man upon whose hands the blood of my family, metaphorically speaking, was still fresh, and yet I was wholehearted in my desire to kiss away his pain and his barely-concealed fear. Nevertheless, I could do no more than watch in frustration. 

Dumbledore sat down heavily and leaned forward, his hands clasped on the desk in front of him.

"You are quite certain that Lord Voldemort does not know you went there tonight?"

"Yes, Headmaster. The child – all but destroyed him. He is very weak, and I don't know where he has gone."

"Very well. I will offer you my protection, but these are my terms. I need a new teacher to instruct students in defence against the dark arts, it is true…" (At this Severus looked gratified) "…But that position will not be given to you."

Severus frowned and looked at the Headmaster enquiringly.

"You will teach potions. It is evidently your field of expertise, your talent is undeniable."

"Headmaster, I would rather not – "

"Silence! You will be potions master for as long as you remain under my guardianship at Hogwarts. It will be your duty, and your penance."

"Yes, Headmaster. Thank you."

Severus' shoulders sagged, with relief.

"Headmaster?"

"Yes, Severus?" Dumbledore replied, more gently now.

"I – I tried to – I couldn't save her!"

Dumbledore sighed.

"I know."

"As soon as I heard Black had betrayed them, I went there, to the cottage – it was too late. Potter was lying there dead and then Lily – then they were both dead, and the baby was bleeding – I couldn't do anything, and I – I just left him there. I fled."

"It's alright, Severus. I understand the position you were in, and how you must have felt. And Harry's in a safe place now"

"It's all _Black's_ fault. None of us knew where the Potters were, and I was secretly glad of that. It wasn't easy, keeping my true feelings from Voldemort. He has a way of…_knowing_ things." Severus shuddered, clutching at his left forearm reflexively as he continued,

"I kept _my_ secret! Only for _him_ to betray them. His best friends! He was lucky to have them…" Severus trailed off, his eyes glittering with hatred. "He might as well have killed Lily with his own hands, along with all those Muggles!"

I fell backwards out of the pensieve as the mists began to thicken. Leaning back on the sofa, my head pounding, I took stock of all that I had just learned. Severus could so easily have done as many of the other Death Eaters had done in the days after Voldemort's fall. Simply go into hiding and wait for his return, or deny ever having sworn allegiance to him. But instead, Severus had turned himself over to Dumbledore and agreed to do a job that every day reminded him of his past mistakes. It was no wonder that he was often so irascible. And it was proof indeed of his remorse.

I wondered at what point he had agreed to become Dumbledore's spy. Dumbledore had a way of reading people, of judging them, and he obviously had a great deal of respect for Severus, and absolute trust in him. 

I picked up a cushion and hugged it to me as I curled up, convinced now, beyond any shadow of doubt, of the disservice I had done him, and more determined than ever to make amends. If he would let me.

      **************************************************************

It was the seventh day in May when Hagrid came. I was walking back to the chateau from Madame Maxime's favourite bridge when I heard his gruff voice calling to me.

"Yer lookin' well, Ella!" he said as he approached with Madame Maxime. "I've been told all about yer, yeh've led ev'ryone a merry dance!"

"Hagrid! It's good to see you. Can you tell me how Professor Snape's doing?"

"Professor Snape? Well, he keeps pretty much to 'imself, you know that, he don't confide in no one. But I wouldn't like to be one of 'is students, and that's a fact!"

I heard a loud bark from behind one of the topiary hedges and thought for a moment that Hagrid had brought Fang along with him, but it wasn't Fang who came to greet me.

"Padfoot!" I exclaimed, crouching down and flinging my arms around his neck, the dog's tail wagging furiously. In an instant, Sirius stood before me, laughing as he said,

"Can I have that welcome again?"

We walked back up to the terrace and I said,

"How was Severus when you left? Did he know you were coming here?"

"You really want to know?" Sirius sighed. "I've been keeping out of his way. Every time I see him I think he's going to curse me. Luckily, there's usually someone else around so he settles for _looking _daggers at me rather than _using_ them on me…" he said ironically.

"I've been watching him…he looks awful, I need to go to him. Sirius, take me home!"

"That's why I'm here, Ella. But we must get you discharged first, and you must be quite sure you're ready."

"But I _am_! I know I am."

Sirius put his hands on my shoulders and kissed my forehead lovingly before looking searchingly into my eyes.

"I hope he knows how lucky he is. I wish I was him."

I hugged Sirius fiercely, and we stood like that until Hagrid and Madame Maxime came up the steps and joined us on the terrace.

I had to wait several more days before I could see the doctor again, but since she finally accepted that I was cured of my delusions she agreed to discharge me from her care. I admit I gave her little choice, since I was more than ready to discharge myself, but we parted on good terms and I was more grateful to her for my newfound peace with myself than I could easily express.

Saying goodbye to Madame Maxime after all her kindness to me would have been quite painful for me had I not been so single-mindedly set on seeing Severus again. She had been there for me when I had been searching for a mother figure, and while I had not been able to confide in her from the outset, once I had done so she had been perhaps as supportive and sympathetic as my own mother would have been. She had certainly had the sensitivity and good sense not to interfere, I had realised, and for that I was grateful.

                   ************************************************************

Hagrid was to stay behind for another week, so when Sirius and I set off in the cart for the _pension_, we were alone, apart from the little round wizard, our _chauffeur_.

"I don't see why we couldn't have waited till morning," grumbled Sirius good-naturedly as we bumped along a narrow dirt track. "We'll miss dinner! Here _and_ at Hogwarts!"

I gave him a withering look and he grinned at me.

"You do realise, it'll be close to midnight by the time we get there?"

"That's okay," I shrugged. "Probably better that there won't be too many people around. I don't want to waste time being polite and making small talk, I just want to see Severus."

"You're two of a kind, you really are!" he replied, snorting with laughter as I looked at him sharply. I took the emerald from underneath my sweater and looked into its depths, murmuring "Mirror Mirabilis" for what must have been the twentieth time that day. Sirius sighed,

"Oh, not again!" and then "Ouch!" as I gave him a kick.

Severus was in the staff room, bored and idly inspecting his fingernails as Dumbledore held a staff meeting. I gazed fondly at him for a while, but wished he didn't look so thin, and pale, and unkempt. After a few minutes I sighed "Finite Incantatem!" and put the stone away once more.

"Well? Is he still all right?" asked Sirius dryly.

"Hmph" was my only reply, as I willed the old mare to go faster.

When we arrived at the Three Broomsticks it was dark. Dumbledore had arranged for a horseless carriage to be waiting for us, so once Sirius had finished his apparently customary flirtatious exchange with one of the barmaids, we were quickly on the way to Hogwarts.

"Well, this is it, Ella! The last leg of the journey!"

"You're being cheerful again, stop it."

"Sorry. How are you feeling?"

"Tired, sick and nervous, and not necessarily in that order." I answered sourly.

"Maybe you should leave seeing him till the morning…you'd feel better after some sleep."

"You think I'd be able to _sleep_, knowing we were within the same walls again at last? No, I can't wait till morning. You don't know what this _feels_ like, Sirius!"

"No, maybe I don't," he answered simply, putting his arm around my shoulders and hugging me as we rounded a bend and Hogwarts came into view, silhouetted in black against an improbably starry sky.

"Come on, let's go to the kitchens!" said Sirius as he helped me down from the carriage. "I'm starving, and you should have something too."

"I'm not hungry," I muttered, feeling sick and dizzy now that we had finally arrived.

"Well, we're going anyway," he insisted. There won't be anybody about at this time of night, and it's neutral territory, too. For you to meet him, I mean."

I nodded uncertainly, filled with apprehension now. I held on to Sirius' arm as we went through a side door to the kitchens. He had been my anchor throughout this whole episode and I was unwilling to let him go. Besides, I was so nervous that I could barely put one foot in front of the other.

Sirius sat me down at the end of one of the four long tables, which I knew were directly below those in the Great Hall, and conjured a mug of steaming coffee, which he pushed into my hands. Then, he poked around in one of the huge larders while I struggled to get my breathing under control and wondered how difficult it would be to convince Severus to take me back.


	29. My Soul Is Crying

Chapter 31 

My Soul Is Crying

"Shall I go and get him?" asked Sirius.

I nodded apprehensively, clutching the emerald as it lay at my chest on its long gold chain. Sirius went over to the huge inglenook fireplace, took a pinch of Floo powder from the pewter bowl on the mantel, and threw it into the grate, shouting

"Severus Snape!"

Just out of view a head appeared, spinning in the flames. When the whizzing sound stopped and it came to a halt I heard Severus sneer coldly, with hatred in his voice,

"What in Hell do _you_ want?"

"I want you to come to the kitchens."

"It's the middle of the night, Black. Whyever would I want to do _that_?"

"There's someone here I think you need to see." He paused, and then said gruffly, "I've brought her back, Snape."

There was silence as the two men glared at one another, and then Sirius turned to me and said,

"I think he's on his way. It'll be best if I'm not here."

He hunkered down next to me and put his hand on my arm, looking into my eyes with concern.

"Good luck, Ella. Make him realise how lucky he is."

After he had gone, I sat staring in front of me, nursing my mug of coffee and trying to remember how to breathe. Then I stared at the fireplace, expecting his tall, brooding, overwhelming presence to fill the room at any moment, but he did not come, and I realised he probably preferred to walk, to allow himself to calm his mind. Or perhaps he was playing games, allowing me to lose _my_ mind in the agony of waiting. The thought sent a chill through me, and although I was desperate to see him again, I could not fool myself that he would allow me simply to run into his welcoming arms. 

Before too long, however, the door at the far end of the kitchen, round the corner and out of view, slammed back against the wall as it was thrown open. My heart pounding in my chest, I tensed as I heard slow, deliberate footsteps approach, and as he came in to view I looked up.

He looked far worse than I had been able to tell through the emerald, and my shock must have shown in my face because he stopped in his tracks, giving a hollow laugh, and snarled venomously,

"So you've come crawling back. What's the matter, were you expecting someone _different_?"

He was painfully thin, sallow and hollow-cheeked, with dark shadows under his eyes. He hadn't shaved for several days, nor had he washed his hair. It was lank and greasy, and he made no effort to brush it from his face, peering at me through the stray locks with eyes hooded and dulled by firewhisky and lack of sleep. Despite this, his presence was overwhelming and I felt the familiar magnetic pull of him, as if my soul was standing up and racing to his side to be reunited at last with his. Remaining in my seat, I simply said softly,

"Severus, you look terrible!" 

He looked at me witheringly and said,

"Well? What do you want? And where's your _boyfriend_ gone?"

"Sirius was never my boyfriend, Severus. Please, come and sit down."

He didn't move, at first. He just stood there, his eyes, icy shards of pain and distrust thinly disguised as hatred, boring into me. I held his gaze, unwaveringly, beseechingly. Eventually he began to advance slowly towards me, along the centre aisle.  

"I need to talk to you. There are things I need to tell you," I implored.

"Ah, but what makes you think _I_ need to _hear_ them? Or _want_ to?"

While speaking these words, he roughly pulled out the chair opposite mine and sat in it heavily, dragging it back up to the table with a loud scrape. I breathed a silent sigh of relief that we had even got this far, and wondered how receptive he would be to what I had to say. Tenting his long fingers in front of him, he stared at me calculatingly and said,

"Well? I'm waiting. This had better be good!"

Trying not to wilt under his baleful gaze, I swallowed hard, collected my thoughts and began tentatively,

"When I left you, Severus, in February, I was ill. Mentally ill, I mean. I'm better now."

His eyes narrowed and he snarled, 

"Well _that's_ all right, then! Good for _you_!" leaning forward as he spoke, his words dripping with sarcasm.

"Please, Severus, let me explain!"

His lip curled unpleasantly as he glared at me.

"All right. I'm listening," he said, leaning back again and folding his arms, affecting boredom, his face mask-like.

"When I was captured by Voldemort – and you died – Hermione and I never told you the real reason why Voldemort actually cast the Killing Curse on you."

"I killed his pet snake!"

"No, he only used Cruciatus on you then. And – after that – he showed us something. Oh, this is so difficult, _please_ don't look at me like that! He – he- plucked an image, a picture, from inside me, and he threw it into the air…it was a picture of a baby. _Our_ baby."

I paused to gauge his reaction, but his face was expressionless, cold, so I continued haltingly,

"It was six weeks old. He- he made a grasping movement with his hand, and the image crumpled, into his fist, just like a piece of tissue paper. I was in agony- and then he just threw it away, like a ball, over the edge of the precipice, into the abyss, and I felt the blood gushing out of me, down my legs, and I knew I'd lost it! I knew I'd lost _our child_, Severus!"

A muscle twitched repeatedly in his cheek as his jaw clenched. He was staring at the emerald on my chest as I clutched at it. He would not meet my gaze.

"You were- you were distraught. You cast the Killing Curse on him then, but he was ready for you and it rebounded back on to you. And so I lost you as well!" I sobbed, tears streaming down my face. I tried to brush them away with the back of my hand, but they just kept coming.

"I wanted to die too," I continued. "I couldn't bear it. I hadn't even known I was pregnant, Severus, I would have told you!"

The only sound, for a while, was the sound of my sobbing. Severus' eyes were downcast now, his long dark lashes accentuating the pallor of his skin as he watched his tapering fingers trace the pattern of the grain in the oak table. Eventually, an eyebrow lifting almost imperceptibly, he said carefully,

"And when you went back?"

"The baby was saved too."

Moments passed.

"I see. And you told me nothing about it."

"I was scared to, at first."

"Scared…of me?"

"Yes…"

"Hah!"

"No, not of you…not at first, anyway. I was scared of your reaction. Scared you wouldn't want it," – at this his eyebrow arched high on his brow- "I wanted more time with you, before I told you, because I didn't want it to spoil what we had together, Severus, it was so good!"

I leaned across to him then to emphasise my words, reaching out for his hand. Abruptly he stood, the chair clattering to the floor behind him, sending the two house elves that had been asleep near to the fire skittering away down the room before they disappeared with a pop.

"_Good_? Good, was it? Oh yes, I remember it well. So _good_ that it sent you running off to another man's arms!"

"No, you don't understand! There's nothing between me and Sirius, there never was!"

"Are you still pregnant?" he shouted, eyes flashing.

"Yes! Yes. Twenty eight weeks now."

He was breathing heavily, his hair askew and his eyes wild. All pretence at detachment was gone. He looked down at me, where my robes did too good a job of disguising my condition. His hands clenching and unclenching, he said sardonically,

"Are you _sure_ it's mine?"

"Oh Severus, please don't do this-"

"I only ask, because, you see, it's all rather difficult to _believe_! I mean, who in their right mind would do what you've done?"

"That's the whole _point_! I'm trying to explain to you, Severus, I wasn't _in_ my right mind!"

"And now you are? How convenient!"

"Yes! Now I _am_! Will you just sit back down and let me _explain_?"

He glared at me coldly, but complied. I took a deep breath, and continued.

"We were so happy, and I was just waiting for the right moment to tell you. And then I started throwing up every morning, and I thought you'd notice for yourself."

He frowned distantly, remembering. 

"Every morning?"

"Yes, but you were usually asleep. Anyway, then the nightmares started. They just got worse and worse, and they were always the same. It got so that I couldn't look you in the eye, in case I saw an echo there of – well, of what you used to be. I kept thinking about my parents and Phoebe. My hormones were in overdrive because of the baby, and they sent me haywire. I couldn't think straight. I thought everyone was against me, I was completely paranoid"

"Why didn't you confide in me? Didn't you know you could tell me _anything_?" He was unable to prevent a plaintive note from creeping into his voice, and I took heart from that involuntary display of emotion.

"You –I –I – I wanted to tell you so many times. When I was feeling okay. But then, more and more, I managed to convince myself that – that – oh, Severus, I'm so sorry!" I cried.

"That _what_?"

"That – that you were trying to kill our child!"

He looked at me incredulously.

"You were always brewing potions," (he flung his hands in the air in exasperation) "And I thought you were plotting with Madam Pomfrey to poison me –"

"_Poison _you?"

" - So I stopped going to see her. I couldn't tell anyone, if I had they might have realised how ill I'd become, and none of this would have happened."

"And why would I want to kill my own child? Why would I want to harm _you, of all people?"_

I shrugged helplessly.

"Because you killed the rest of my family, so why not finish the job?"

"_What_?"

"It made perfect sense to me at the time! I _know_ how it must sound to you now, it sounds crazy to me too, but you have to understand, Severus! I felt _so guilty_ about loving you so much! And then, you'd spent so many years on your own, I really believed you wouldn't want to have to adjust to having a baby, as well as me…"

"No, of course!" he laughed bitterly. "Why on earth would _I_ want a normal, _happy_ life? I was made to be alone, wasn't I? Well, that's exactly what I am. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've heard enough of this _drivel_! I have a bottle of Ogden's waiting for me…"

"Where are you going?" I asked tremulously as he made to stand up once more. "Don't go!"

"I said, I've _heard enough_! And I have my position here to consider. I think you'd better go now, don't you? It wouldn't be seemly for people to see you in your…_condition_. Go and carry on your new life with your new _boyfriend_," he spat, leaning across the table.

"Severus, please! How many more times do I have to say this? I don't want Sirius, I want _you_! It's _always_ been _you_! I was ill, I couldn't help it! I am _so_ sorry!" I shouted after him as he strode out of the room, but he didn't stop.

Burying my face in my hands, I wept for a long while, my body wracked with sobs. I don't know how else I had expected him to react. I suppose I had half hoped that my words and the news of our baby would sway him, that the sincerity of my love would be enough for him to forgive me in an instant. But it was clear that that had been my own heart's wishful thinking, born out of my desperate desire to be with him again. I really ought to have known better, I realised, as I began to calm down. 

Now that our initial confrontation was over I knew I had to follow him. He was far too proud, and too hurt, to come to me, and I had to know how he felt about my carrying his child, who even now was kicking and turning inside me.

I passed my hand over the emerald and whispered "Mirror Mirabilis!" and brushed my tears away as I gazed into it. Severus was in his bedroom, pacing up and down. He took down our sculpture from the mantelpiece and drew back his arm as if to throw it against the wall. But he thought better of it, and, his shoulders slumping, he placed it on the low table in front of the fire. Sitting in his armchair, he stroked it, and I watched him place one hand on each figure as he said the incantation. Our stone facsimiles came to life, dancing, moving around one another, and I watched Severus as he watched us, his face twisted with pain, weeping with him, yearning for him.

I had to go to him. It would soon be daybreak and the kitchen elves would begin bustling about me, setting out the huge copper pans that were for now stacked up against the walls, busily preparing breakfast for the entire school. Slowly I got to my feet and walked to the door.

The castle was dark and quiet, and I was aware of the tap of my footsteps echoing through the deserted corridors as I walked. The only other sound I could hear was soft snoring from some of the paintings. Ghosts glided silently through doorways and walls, but I shrank into the shadows in order that none of them would notice me, and I was glad that I didn't have to make conversation. 

My stomach was churning as I drew nearer to Severus' chambers. I didn't know whether or not he would let me in, let alone listen to me. But I had to try. I owed him that much, and I ached for him. I missed him desperately.

At last I was at his door. I rapped firmly on the solid oak, my knock implying far more conviction than I truly felt.

"Severus, it's me. Let me in, please. I know you're there," I said, watching him in the emerald.

He got up and walked slowly to the door, standing at the other side while he decided what to do. I put my hand up to the door and breathed,

"Please, Severus! I'll wait here all day if I have to!"

I watched as he hesitated then withdrew his wand, in order to remove the many wards that were his defences against intruders and physical attack. I wished he could dispose of his mental defences so readily, but knew that he would be unwilling to do that. That particular challenge was for me to face.

He opened the door opened roughly and stood there for a moment, looking into my red-rimmed eyes, his own dulled by firewhisky. Then he turned away and went over to the window, where he stood with his back to me. Closing the door behind me, I crossed the room to him.

"Come to twist the knife a bit more?" he said bitterly, an almost palpable misery emanating from him.

"I never wanted it to happen," I whispered. "I couldn't help myself. It was – a psychosis. Paranoia. I couldn't stop thinking about Phoebe and my parents, how I wasn't there when they died – it all got mixed up inside my head, until it was as if I needed this baby, like a second chance – and it was _yours_, part of _you_, and I _love_ you!"

"_Love_ me? Hah!"

"I want this baby _so much_, Severus. All my instincts were telling me so, and I had to do all I could to protect it,"

"From _me_?"

"Yes! From everyone! I was behaving totally irrationally, I know that _now_. But Sirius helped me through it, and-"

"Oh, bloody Sirius!" he spat.

"He helped me! He made me realise I _needed_ help, he made me see a doctor."

"Why did it have to be _him_, of all people?"

"Does it matter _who_ it was?"

He was silent. Brooding. I went up behind him and began to slide my hands around his waist. He stiffened, but didn't push me away. I held him, splaying my hands across his chest and pressing myself into his back, needing so much to touch him again, aware of how thin he felt, how hard and unyielding too. I rested my cheek against his angular shoulder blade, feeling his warmth through his shirt as I took a deep breath, gasping in his musky scent needily as if I had been starved of oxygen without him. My swollen belly pressed in to the small of his back, and his buttocks, and I wondered whether or not he could feel it.

We stood like two statues for a long time, or so it seemed. And then I felt a small fluttering inside me. The baby had awoken, and it gave me a sharp kick, high up. Severus flinched and said quietly,

"What was that?"

"That was your child, love."

With a shuddering intake of breath, he reached out to the stone lintel and grasped it convulsively. I loosened my grip on him, and put one hand on his shoulder.

"Turn around, love? Let me introduce you."

Slowly, sagging, Severus turned to face me, his fathomless eyes maelstroms of conflicting emotions in a face that was grey and haunted in the pale light of the new dawn. I shrugged off my robes, standing in front of him in just leggings and a long sweater, which outlined and enhanced my bump. I reached for his hand and he let me lift it and place it on my belly. His fingers splayed out over me, and he looked down at me in awe. 

As the baby kicked again, his eyes widened in surprise and he sank to his knees, lifting my sweater and looking up questioningly into my eyes before pressing his cheek against my skin. His left arm embraced me, pulling me to him while his right hand stroked and pressed my stomach as he acquainted himself with our child. 

Overwhelmed with love for him, I stroked his hair, hesitantly at first in case he objected to such a gesture of intimacy. But he did not pull away from me, and so there we stayed until the sun rose over the lake below, turning all the grey shades to gold.


	30. Time Has Told Me Not To Ask For More

Chapter 32

**_Time Has Told Me Not To Ask For More_**

**__**

I hardly dared breathe. I stayed as still as I could, stroking his hair back from his temples, letting my fingertips brush the top of his cheek, not daring to do more. Longing to trail my finger along the curve of his eyebrow, trace his jaw, touch his lips. Wishing I had the courage to drop down to my knees beside him and claim them as my own. Yearning for his love. 

However, as the sun rose it shone directly into my eyes, and my pregnancy-softened stomach and back muscles began to ache painfully from standing still for so long. Gently I said,

"Severus, I need to sit for a while…"

He released me abruptly and rose to his feet, turning swiftly away so that I could neither see his face nor prevent him withdrawing from me. Silently I cursed myself vehemently for breaking the mood.

"Lie down over there," he said tersely, gesturing towards our bed. "You should probably try to get some sleep."

I took a few steps towards him and touched his arm, saying,

"Will you join me? Hold me again?"

Pain flashed across his face, quickly masked, and he replied stiffly,

"No, I don't think so. Go on."

I looked into his eyes, pleading mutely, but he dropped his gaze and took a further step back. Shoulders drooping, I crossed over to the bed and kicked off my shoes, turning back to look at him, then climbing on. The crisp white linen pillow- cases felt so familiar and comforting, the green chenille counterpane so soft, and I sighed, feeling at last that I was home. I wished Severus would come to bed too, and hold me. I was desperate to crawl into his embrace, and never leave it. But I heard the creak of old leather as he sat down in his chair beside the fire, and tried to console myself that at least he was in the same room, and that I should be thankful for that. Evidently, for now, it would have to be enough.

Judging from the angle of the sunlight through the window, it was a few hours later when I awoke, and the counterpane covered me up to my shoulders. Severus must have done that as I slept. Reflexively I reached across to touch the pillow next to mine, saying softly, "Severus…" but then realising the pillow was untouched, unused.

"Severus?" I said again.

"Over here."

I turned round and saw him then, still sitting in the old leather armchair beside the fire. I wondered whether or not he had watched over me all the time I had been asleep. It certainly appeared that way, and I noticed that the sculpture had been returned from the table to its usual home, on the mantelpiece. I wondered whether that was because he no longer needed a substitute for me, since I was with him again.  He was certainly watching me now, silently, two fingers of one hand against his left temple, the other two curled down towards his mouth.

"Oh, Severus, you're here!" I said, sitting up and swinging my legs over the edge of the bed.

"I wasn't about to go anywhere," he asserted coolly, "I didn't want to have to worry about you waking up and running around the school trying to find me. Someone might have seen you."

"Oh," I replied, puzzled. "Well, why _shouldn't_ anyone see me?"

"Because you are quite noticeably pregnant, and if you were seen then your dirty little secret would be out!" he said mordantly, leaning forward in his chair, one hand on each arm. "And I know how you _love_ to have your little secrets!"

"Oh, Severus, please! Have you been sitting there all this time, brooding about this? I thought I explained it all last night."

"Oh, you did, very eloquently, very persuasively. The little kick was a nice touch, very clever. Worthy of a _Slytherin_, even!"

I bristled, and he continued, his voice growing ever more vitriolic,

"But I have my position here to consider, don't I? It wouldn't be _seemly_ for you to go gadding about the school looking like _that_, would it?"

"Seemly?" I repeated, confused and wishing I had never fallen asleep and allowed him the time to harden his heart once more.

"Yes, everybody would know that you're carrying my child, and they _already_ know that we aren't together any more. What a _laugh_ they'd all get," he continued acidly.

"Not together? But Severus, I _want_ us to be together! I thought you did too! That's why I came back to you!"

"I told you not to _bother_! And _now_, what _I_ want is for you to leave here and never come back!"

His voice was harsh and grating, and his mouth twisted as he tried to regain his composure. Glaring at me as I held his gaze in horrified disbelief, he finally continued in a low voice,

"I want to forget I ever laid eyes on you."

Struggling to my feet I crossed the room and knelt in front of him, my hands on his knees.

"I know that's not true, Severus. You gave me _this_, remember?" I clutched the emerald around my neck and held it up to him. "Do you think I haven't seen you? Do you think I haven't known how you've been suffering? And I _know_ you. Like no one else ever has. So _don't pretend_!"

He leaned back in his chair and covered his eyes with his hand, saying tiredly

"Just leave, Ella, can't you? I doubt very much that you're here to stay this time anyway, so why must you insist on prolonging the agony?"

"_No_!" I said forcefully, grasping his wrist and pulling his hand away from his face. "I've run away from you too many times, I'm not going to do it any more! I _know_ what I've put you through. But I have a lifetime to make it up to you. _Please_. Let me."

"You can't seriously expect me to take you back!" he said incredulously. 

"Maybe not, but even so, I _want_ you to, more than anything!"

He looked around the room uncomfortably, anywhere in order to avoid having to look at me, as

I pushed myself up onto my feet, using his knees to support myself, and climbed awkwardly into his lap. He did not react at all as I put my arms around his neck and held him fast to my chest, laying my cheek on the top of his head and breathing in the scent of his hair. I trembled with emotion, with love for him. At last, his arms twitched, and, hesitantly and obviously against his better judgement, he embraced me, holding me close. I let out my breath in a long shuddering gasp, saying his name into his hair. His arms were fastened around me again, after so long, and it felt so right I wanted to burst.

"Oh! Oh, Severus, I've missed you so much!"

His grip tightened around me and I felt his breath catch in his chest, but then, too soon, he let me go. He pushed me carefully from his lap and stood up. Once again he had closed himself off from me, and he brushed his hair back from his face with affected carelessness as he said formally,

"Stay for now, then, if you must. Your old rooms are waiting for you, and Poppy will want to examine you. I take it I am the last to know about - about the baby?"

"No, hardly anyone knows."

"Hmph! That won't last long. The word will no doubt spread like wild fire."

"Can't I stay here, with you?" I protested.

"No. You said yourself, once, you were only here by invitation."

I looked at him pleadingly, desperately wanting to throw myself on to him and beg him to relent, but I knew better. He was in no mood to be persuaded. I allowed myself a plaintive

"Will you come with me?" but he replied dismissively,

"I'm sure you can remember the way. Oh, and wear your robes at all times, they disguise your - condition. And try not to be seen too much."

Immovable, he folded his arms and stood watching me as I slipped on my shoes and cloak, and left. 

By the time I reached my rooms I was hardly able to see where I was going. My heart and my mind were so firmly with Severus in the dungeons that I reached my door amazed that my body had found its way automatically, and so obviously without any help from me.

I sat down heavily in the chair by the window and wondered what to do now. I felt restless, helpless. I squeezed my eyes shut, causing unshed tears to roll down my cheeks, and tried to imagine how it had felt to sit clasped in his arms once more, but I could not recreate the sensation, and the effort simply left me feeling bereft. 

I didn't even dare go out, to try and find someone to talk to, as I didn't want to risk giving Severus more reasons for hating me. The more I thought about it, the more outraged I became at his attitude towards my disguising my condition, and even my very presence, from the school. But nevertheless I knew I would do as he asked, if it meant eventually getting him back. He had, at least, conceded that I should stay at Hogwarts. 

I really wanted to see Hermione, to apologise for my behaviour towards her over the previous months. I had behaved so thoughtlessly, and for all her intelligence and maturity, she was still little more than a child. I, as an adult, should not have let her down by disregarding her feelings and treating her with such suspicion. However, I didn't know whether or not she would be in a class, so instead I resigned myself instead to waiting for Sirius to come and find me, when I would be able to tell him what had happened during the night and ask his advice on what on earth I should do next. 

In the mean time, I took out the emerald and, not for the first time, offered a silent prayer of thanks that Severus had loved me enough to buy me such a wondrous and indispensable gift, for I truly did not know how I would have coped with the vicissitudes of our relationship had I not had it. 

I looked into the clear green stone and gasped as I saw a tall black figure stride purposefully along the corridor leading to my rooms. I waited with bated breath but Severus didn't turn along the short passage that led to my door. He didn't even break his stride. Instead, he continued, up the short flight of stairs that led to the hospital wing, and I realised he was on his way to confront Madam Pomfrey.

He burst into her office and I watched a bitter argument ensue.

"Oh well," I thought, getting slowly to my feet, "now would be as good a time as any to get that check-up. Looks like she'll be glad of the interruption. And at least I can see him again and try to get through to him."

A few minutes later I walked into the Infirmary, having been able to hear their raised voices through the partially open heavy wooden doors.

"…I still don't see why you couldn't have _told_ me!"

"I keep telling you, it wasn't my _place_!"

"What, even after she'd _gone_? Have you _any_ conception of what I've been through?"

 "Well, if what you say she's told you is true, I wouldn't have done either of you any good if I _had_ told you!"

"But I could have gone _after_ her!"

"And what would _that_ have achieved, Severus? Listen to what you're saying."

"Gah!"

"You had to wait for her to come back to you. And now she has."

"Oh, so now _you're_ saying I should welcome her back? I might have known _you'd_ stick up for her."

I opened the door to Madam Pomfrey's office and looked at Severus, white faced and agitated as he swung round to face me. Holding his gaze, which burned into me, I said,

"I've come for a check, Madam Pomfrey, now I'm back. I could come back later if it's not a good time."

She sank into her chair gratefully and said, with a sharp look at Severus,

"It's a perfect time, dear, now that both of you here together. Severus, would you like to hear your baby's heartbeat?"

He tore his gaze from me and scowled at her, his features twisting with conflicting emotions.

"No, I would not!" he retorted vehemently, and before we could object, he brushed past me and swept out, slamming the door behind him as he went.

"He's very upset, dear. He'll come round." Madam Pomfrey said comfortingly as I reached out a hand to her desk to steady myself.

"But when?" I complained, exasperated. "I need him _now_! I've shut him out for far too long, I want him to _share_ this with me now!"

"Well, maybe it's time to think about what _he_ wants now,"

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" I snapped. "I _know_ what he wants, I just need to make him _see_ it!"

She shook her head wearily, but not unkindly.

"Never let anybody tell you that the two of you aren't well-suited!"

Madam Pomfrey had just finished her examination of me, pronouncing herself satisfied, and had drawn back the screens when the Headmaster arrived in the Infirmary.

"Welcome back, Ella!" he said, his eyes twinkling as he stood at the foot of the bed on which I still sat. "I am led to understand that you're seeing things more clearly now?"

"Yes, Headmaster," I replied, eyes downcast as I remembered the ugly scenes that had led up to my leaving. "Thank you for the pensieve. It – well, I'd already realised I'd been wrong…but it made me even more determined to come home."

Then, remembering too his comments to me in the Leaky Cauldron, I looked up at him curiously and asked,

"You knew everything all along, didn't you?"

He smiled.

"Little goes on at Hogwarts without my knowledge," he replied gently. "I didn't reach the grand age of one hundred and fifty without learning to read people very well."

"But you kept it to yourself?"

"Of course! All I could do was tell you to examine your motives closely. And I could not tell Professor Snape. It would not have done for him, or anyone, to coerce you into returning before you were ready to do so."

"But why?"

"Some things are pre-determined, Ella. Others happen because a butterfly beat its wings in a country far away. The trick is to learn the simple truth of what _is_, and why, and accept it."

I sighed, perplexed, and took comfort in the fact that of the two of us, one at least understood what on earth he was talking about. 
    
    "But Severus has suffered so much, and now he's so cold…"

"He needs time, just as you did. I'm sure you'll find your way back to one another. You know, Sybill Trelawney has been prophesying that your relationship is doomed on a regular basis ever since it began…so, naturally, I have absolutely no doubt that it will all work out!"

At last he had said something the meaning of which I could understand, and I smiled ruefully, shaking my head.

On the way back to my rooms I heard the clatter of footsteps and as I rounded a corner I was nearly knocked over by a breathless Hermione and Remus.

"Oh, it's true, you're back!" Hermione said as she flung her arms around my neck. "Sirius and Professor Dumbledore told me at break, but I've had to wait till now to come and find you!"

She released me, her eyes shining with joy, and Remus hugged me warmly, kissing my cheek.

"Ella, welcome home. We missed you."

We went into my room and I apologised to them both for my behaviour over the past months. I explained briefly what I had been thinking, filling in details that Sirius and the Headmaster had not already made them privy to since my return the night before.

"I'm so sorry, Hermione, I was awful to you, shutting you out like that.  Suspecting you. I wouldn't hurt you for the world!"

"It's okay, really. You couldn't help it. You poor thing, though, going through all that on your own!"

"Oh, Hermione! I wish Severus was taking it as well as you."

"Well, I don't wish to belittle your friendship with Hermione, but Severus did _lose_ an awful lot more than she did," Remus reminded me gently.

"Can you talk to him for me, Remus? Last night I really thought I'd managed to get through to him, but he must have been going over and over it while I was asleep, and then when I woke up…he was so withdrawn, and I _know_ he still loves me! I _know_ he does, will you tell him for me? Tell him I love him and I'm back for good?"

Remus shook his head.

"He won't listen if he doesn't want to, Ella. _You_ know what he's like. This is a huge shock for him, you know! Your coming back must be hard enough for him, but to be pregnant as well? Convincing him is something only you can do. He'll listen, when he's ready."

Sagging, I sighed heavily. I knew Remus was right, but I also knew how hurt Severus was, and how determined he must be to not forgive me, in spite of his feelings for me, which I knew were unchanged. Or perhaps because of them. He had opened up to me in a way he had never done with anyone before, and I had done my level best to reject him. I felt I would need all the help I could get before he would trust me enough to let me back into his life.


	31. After All This Time

Chapter 33

**_After All This Time_**

Mealtimes were the worst.

I had resumed my old position at the staff table, next to Madam Pince. I would try to slip in and out of the Great Hall as unobtrusively as possible, through a side door behind my seat. However well my robes disguised the swelling of my stomach, I was still concerned that one of the more eagle-eyed students would notice.

To see Severus so regularly, and not be able to speak to him, was torture. We were returned to that state of communication that had been so very bittersweet eighteen months before, when we would gaze at one another longingly across the room. There was nothing bittersweet about it now, since I felt too anxious and frustrated to readily see promise of fulfilment, and since the gazes were turned to glowers. Severus appeared implacable, although I knew him well enough to realise that he was struggling to hide his emotions just as I was. 

I was convinced that he was testing my resolve in some way, making sure I was not going to let him down again. I knew how hard he found it to trust anyone, and I had broken his trust in the worst way possible. Far from hoping to drive me away with his behaviour, I strongly believed that he was desperate for me to prove my love, by enduring his coldness. 

I marvelled at the man's determination, for surely he knew he was playing a dangerous game. I wondered how scared he was that it would backfire, and I would leave once more. 

So, I still made sure I was there in the Great Hall at every single mealtime, as did he, three times a day, although my appetite for both food and company was limited. I would not hide from him. I wanted to be a thorn in his side, and I knew he _wanted_ me to be such. Eventually he would have to relent and trust me again.

Unfortunately for me, his will appeared to be as strong as mine, and after three weeks I decided I would have to take matters into my own hands. I had grown tired of pacing the less – used corridors on my own so as not to draw attention to myself. I had grown tired of seeing him in the distance, catching sight of me and turning on his heel. I had grown tired of stilted conversations about nothing on the rare occasions where circumstances forced us into the same company. I didn't even dare spend too much time with Sirius, who had proved to be such a true friend, for fear of Severus finding out and being further antagonised.

One morning Severus and I arrived in the entrance hall ready to go in to breakfast at the same time. I had just taken my habitual short cut across the grounds, entering through the main doors, and Severus was emerging from the staircase to the dungeons. He slowed to a halt when he saw me, and stared at me impassively. My legs felt like jelly but I managed to keep moving, saying softly,

"Good morning, Severus," as I drew level with him. He stood for a few long moments as my step faltered, and then, enunciating carefully in a low voice, replied

"Good morning…Miss Redemte," his deliberately exaggerated formality challenging me to continue what passed for conversation between us these days. He lifted his eyebrows, his expression saying a disdainful "Well?"

I desperately wanted to reach out to him and wipe the look of disdain from his face with an ardent declaration of my love, but I knew it was neither the time nor the place, since students were likely to come upon us at any moment. He knew it too, I believed, and had therefore decided purposely to try to provoke a reaction from me. Tears of frustration pricking behind my eyes, I lowered my gaze and hurried into the Great Hall, trying to keep my expression neutral as I took my place. After a few minutes he too came in, sweeping down the centre aisle, looking to neither left nor right, his robes billowing out in his wake. I watched him miserably, unable to look anywhere else. He sat down on the opposite wing of the staff table and glanced at me briefly. I caught a glimpse of something in his eyes, but could not tell whether it was triumph or relief.

Later that day when I went to see Madam Pomfrey for an antenatal check, I voiced my frustrations to her.

"He addressed me by my surname this morning, Madam Pomfrey!" I complained as I lay down and she passed her wand over my abdomen. "He knows there's no justification for such formality. He treated me as if I were a stranger! He's playing games with me."

"What do you mean, dear? I thought he was taking all of this rather seriously."

"He's deliberately shutting me out!"

"For goodness' sake, Ella, he feels he's entitled!" she scolded. "You hurt him very, _very_ deeply. He needs time! He's giving you a taste of your own medicine! And I would hardly call it a _game_, you know as well as I do that he'd _never_ be so casual!" 

"I couldn't help the way I was!"

"And nor can he, now! He needs to know you won't hurt him again if he lets his guard down. He's testing you!"

"I _know_ he is...but it's _so hard_, seeing him like this! I wish I could make him understand. He's suffered so much. And I don't even know how he feels about the baby!"

"If it's any consolation, he comes here every time you have a check. He _always_ comes, to ask how you are."

"Really?"

"Really. But I didn't tell you that!" she warned sternly. "Just give him reason to trust you again. Stick it out. That's all you need to do. You already have the rest."

Watching him in the emerald, which I knew he knew I never took off, I rarely caught him in an unguarded moment. When I did, it was always when he was absorbed in looking at the sculpture. I wished I could have found a way to make the enchantment change over time, so that he could see me swell and bloom, but the charm could not do that. There, we were trapped in one perfect moment of time, and he replayed it over and over as if he was trying to bring it back.

He was looking far better than he had on my return, I knew. His eyes were no longer so sunken and bitter, being simply watchful, guarded and cold now. His hair was not so lank, his manner not so wild. In class he was icy calm, contemptuous, cruel, but consistently so, so that his students, while dreading his classes, at least knew what to expect when they entered his classroom, and prepared themselves accordingly.

I longed to spend time with him. I daydreamed constantly. I felt empty. Unfulfilled. Frustrated. I wanted to go to him and beg him just to hold me. I thought up scenario after scenario in my head, ways to engineer 'accidental' meetings, playing out imaginary dialogues in my head, conversations that led invariably to his crushing me to him in a desperate, passionate embrace. I drove myself mad with longing for him. I even toyed with the idea of trying to seduce him, just for the physical release I craved, with no strings. But I was scared that he'd turn me away and make me suffer for even longer, and that I would end up in a more untenable position than I was in already. After three weeks, however, the risk seemed more and more worth the taking.

                   *****************************************************

I awoke and put on my cloak. Barefoot, I slipped out of my room and padded silently along the endless dark corridors that led to Severus. I ran on and on, the darkness never lifting, but thickening behind me like an inferno rushing along a tunnel, blasting me ahead of it until at last I arrived at his classroom door. The door swung open ahead of me and I stepped inside. Light streamed in from the three arched windows, sparkling dust motes surrounding a tall black-robed figure, silhouetted and still. 

I could not take my eyes off the figure and felt myself inexorably drawn to it, past the rows of students who stared at me open-mouthed.

"Class dismissed!" his velvet voice called, although his lips did not move. I did not notice the students leave, but the next instant they were gone all the same.

I approached him and shrugged off my cloak, revealing my thin chemise underneath. The air was chilly, the early summer sunshine never managing to warm this particular classroom, and my nipples, enlarged already by both pregnancy and desire, stood erect and were clearly visible as they strained against the thin silk. I was exquisitely aware of every sensation, the cool stone under my feet, the breeze from the opened window as it ruffled my hair, the faintly sulphurous smell of the cauldrons, the familiar, intoxicating scent of Severus, inches away from me as I stood before him, gazing into his fathomless eyes, falling into them, drowning, wanting him.

"Severus…" I breathed, "I can't take any more of this. I want you."

Wordlessly he bent, and lifted my skirt, straightening up again as I raised my arm to let him pull it over my head. I was naked now, and I let him drink in the sight of me. His hands explored me and my body tingled, screaming out for him. I wound my arms around his neck, tangling my fingers in his long silky hair, pulling his head down to mine. 

We kissed and my world exploded. I felt his arousal against my swollen belly and I wished I were able to press my hips against his. He led me into his office and thence to the bedroom - -our bedroom – where a huge fire crackled in the grate. He pushed me down on to my knees on the rug, and breathed my name. Kneeling behind me, he parted my legs with his hands and plunged into me, making me groan with pleasure. It had been so long, and to feel him fill me completely was enough to bring my passion close to its peak. He withdrew nearly all the way and I moaned, thrusting my hips backwards to make him do it again. With one hand supporting his weight as he leant over me, panting hot breath on to my back, his other hand reached underneath to caress my breasts, which hung heavily down to the rug. As he thrust in and out of me the fur stroked my nipples, so sensitive already, so that when he began to roll one between his thumb and forefinger I screamed out in delight. Grunting softly, his thrusts quickened, and I met each one with my own. I climbed higher and higher, shouting his name, until suddenly I was nearly there, nearly climaxing, and then I woke, crying out "Severus! Severus!" to find myself in bed, in darkness. Alone. Crying tears of frustration I touched myself then, repeating his name over and over and imagining that his fingers were caressing me until I was shuddering with my release.

I couldn't go on like that. I felt so frustrated, and it wasn't just about the lovemaking. I wanted to hold him, and to be held. To stroke his hair, gaze into his eyes. To know how much he was hurting and how unwilling he was for me to comfort him and make amends distressed me greatly, and I so wanted him to share in the joy I felt each time our baby moved within me. I was only too well aware that I didn't even know how he felt about his impending fatherhood, or how big a role he wanted to play in the baby's life. Whether or not we could be a family. I knew he had a strong sense of responsibility, and would surely be desperate to fulfil his obligations, I just wished he felt ready to do that sooner rather than later, since only a few more weeks of my pregnancy remained for him to share. 

I lay in bed watching the sunrise, thinking over all that we had been to each other, until a sharp rap on the door startled me, and I leapt out of bed, convinced it was Severus. I opened the door to see Sirius standing there.

"Oh, hi, come in," I said, crestfallen.

"You were expecting someone else?" he asked, hugging me. I nodded mournfully.

"I can't stand much more of this," I said, crossing the room to put on my dressing gown.

"Well, something's got to give," he answered, looking me up and down. "You can't disguise _that _any more!"

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My nightdress was stretched across my stomach and I knew that my robes would very soon be a useless disguise. Sirius laughed at me, saying,

"No, Ella, it's not just that! It's the way you walked across the room just now! You're waddling, it's unmistakeable!"

"Am I?"

"Look for yourself!" he smiled, one leg slung over the arm of the chair into which he had flopped on entering.

I looked at my reflection and walked up and down in front of the mirror. It was true.

"Well, that's it then," I said. "I'm not going to live like a complete hermit, so I'll have to force him to talk to me. He can't send me away, not now everybody knows I'm here. Can he?"

"No. We won't let him. And I'm sure he wants you where Poppy can keep an eye on you. Look, don't worry so much, it's not good for you!"

He stood up then, stretching, and continuing,

"I'd better go, show my face at breakfast. It wouldn't do for us both to arrive late."

"Oh, I'll be along too, in a few minutes. But can you ask him to come and see me?"

"I can ask…" he looked anxiously at me, "…but I think you'll need to ask him yourself."

I watched Severus at breakfast. He had obviously been wondering where I was, and when Sirius gave him my message he scowled at him unpleasantly, knowing Sirius had been to see me. However, he headed straight down to the dungeons. He clearly had no intention of coming to see me, even though I knew he had a free period. Returning to my room, I sat on my bed and watched him, poring over the emerald closely. He went directly to his bedroom and took the sculpture from the mantelpiece, placing it on the table, animating it, sitting forward in his chair as he watched it. I had seen him do this countless times before and while I saw it for what it was, an affirmation that he still loved me, I wished he would not use it as a substitute, to avoid needing to confront me in person.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," I thought to myself as his baby shifted inside me, unsure, however, of what I ought to do. I brooded about it all day and came to the conclusion that I had to stop simply daydreaming and actually engineer a situation in which he was forced to talk to me. The following day, however, something happened which, although humiliating in the extreme at the time, actually made it far easier for me to assert myself.

The owl post arrived at breakfast the next morning and as usual the room resounded with the sound of beating wings and loud thuds as copy after copy of the Daily Prophet landed in front of eager students and staff alike. I did not subscribe myself, choosing to read the library copy on the rare occasion that I bothered at all. The chatter died down as the students pored over its pages, and I made a half-hearted attempt to eat some toast, watching Severus out of the corner of my eye. 

Eventually the noise level rose again and the atmosphere in the Hall became quite excited. I looked around and felt suddenly exposed, and vulnerable. Many of the students, most of them, in fact, were staring at me with great interest and whispering amongst themselves. I looked across to see Sirius grimly handing his copy of the newspaper to a suspicious Severus, who snatched it from him and then blanched as he read. He raised eyes full of disbelieving fury to meet mine, and he stood, his lips curling into a sneer, glowering at everyone before sweeping out through the door behind his chair.

Madam Pince handed me her copy, and said to me kindly,

"I think you'd better read this, Ella. You're headline news!"

The paper was open at page five, traditionally the gossip column. My head reeled as I read the words that had shocked the whole school.

"The Daily Prophet can exclusively reveal that the special relationship Professor Severus Snape, of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, formed with Miss Ella Redemte, ex-Hogwarts student and world traveller, has ended, despite, or perhaps because of, the fact that she is pregnant with his first child. The erstwhile Death Eater has made few friends since beginning his tenure as potions master, and his legendary sour temper has obviously proved too great a challenge for Miss Redemte, who appears unable to stick at anything for very long. However, she has recently returned to Hogwarts from a long holiday in France, courtesy of Beauxbatons Academy, and this reporter awaits further developments with interest."

"Oh my God..." I said faintly, understanding Severus' reaction now, and highly relieved that Sirius' name had not been mentioned in the report. 

Madam Pince put her hand on my arm comfortingly as Professor Dumbledore approached.

"Ella, would you like to join me in the staff room for an ad-hoc meeting with the heads of houses?"

I nodded dumbly and pushed back my chair, leaving the Hall as quickly as was feasible without running, and holding my head as high as I could.

My heart lurched when I entered the staff room and found Severus already there. Professors McGonagall, Sprout and Flitwick were seated around the fire; Severus stood to one side of it, his arms folded. He glared at me with ill-disguised fury as I crossed to the only empty chair there. His chair. I hesitated and met his wrathful gaze enquiringly, steeling myself against his intimidation of me. He lifted an eyebrow, looked down at my swelling stomach, and turned his back on me. Appreciating his tacit permission, chivalrous despite the chasm between us, I sank into his chair and gripped the arms tightly, staring at the hem of his robes until the Headmaster entered the room.

"This is not exactly the outcome for which I had hoped, Severus," he said calmly, looking over the top of his spectacles.

"While I, on the other hand, am _ecstatic_ at this latest turn of events!" scowled Severus, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Tell me," he continued, turning on me, "what _other_ little revelations can we expect from Rita Skeeter?"

"How should_ I_ know? I've never even met her!" I objected tremulously, shrinking from his piercing glare. Disbelieving, his gaze never wavered as he asked coldly,

"Are you sure?"

"I think Ella would remember if she had, Severus!" Professor McGonagall said tartly, earning a sharp look in return. "The point is, Albus, what line should we take with the students? And the board of governors?"

"Leave the governors to me," the Headmaster replied calmly. "As heads of houses I expect you to field any questions from your students with tact and discretion,"

"Hah!" expostulated Severus.

" - I appreciate, Severus, that in _many_ ways you will find this difficult, nevertheless I expect your professionalism to win through," Dumbledore continued pointedly. "As for how Ms Skeeter obtained her information - I do not see anything to be gained by pointing the finger of blame at any one individual. I am quite sure her scoop did not come from Ella, it would not be in her best interests to compromise her position here, Severus. She no doubt culled her information from many sources. A few lucky guesses and the right questions asked would give her an accurate enough story."

Severus stood with his arms folded, glaring across the room.

"Will that be all, Headmaster?" he asked in a low voice.

Dumbledore looked across to me, then at Severus again.

"I believe so, for the moment."

With a last bitter glance at me, Severus swept past my chair, his robes swishing against my legs as he went. Once more I dug my nails in to the arms of the chair, in order to prevent myself grabbing at them as he passed and begging him to look at me once more with the love I knew he still felt. He slammed the staff room door behind him, and I, summoning all my courage, rose to follow him.

By the time I had opened the door he was halfway down the corridor. I took a few steps, letting the door swing shut behind me, and shouted,

"Severus!"

He stopped, his billowing robes deflating around him, diminishing him, shrinking him to the size of a man.

"Severus! Dumbledore was right, I had nothing to do with the article, I swear! Talk to me, _please_?" I pleaded again, and his fists clenched at his sides. He strode on, turned abruptly into a side corridor, affording me a glimpse of his face, firmly set, and then he was gone.

"Oh, what do I have to do to get through to you?" I thought wearily as I sank against the wall. I was in no state to follow him, so I resolved there and then that the next time I saw him, I would compel _him_ to follow _me_.


	32. Come Into These Arms Again

Chapter 34

Come Into These Arms Again…

No more talk of darkness, forget these wide-eyed fears;
    
    I'm here, nothing can harm you, my words will warm and calm you.
    
    Let me be your freedom, let daylight dry your tears;
    
    I'm here, with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you.
    
    _All I ask is every waking moment,_
    
    _Turn my head with talk of summertime._
    
    _Say you need me with you now and always;_
    
    _Promise me that all you say is true, that's all I ask of you._
    
    Let me be your shelter, let me be your light; you're safe,
    
    No one will find you, your fears are far behind you.
    
    _All I want is freedom, a world with no more night;_
    
    _And you, always beside me, to hold me and to hide me._
    
    Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
    
    Let me lead you from your solitude.
    
    Say you need me with you, here beside you,
    
    Anywhere you go, let me go too,
    
    That's all I ask of you.
    
    _All I ask for is one love, one lifetime;_
    
    _Say the word and I will follow you._
    
    Share each day with me, each night, each morning.
    
    _Say you love me!_ You know I do.
    
    Love me, that's all I ask of you.
    
    Anywhere you go, let me go too;
    
    Love me, that's all I ask of you.

(_Lyrics by Charles Hart and Richard Stilgoe)_

The day dragged. I ate lunch late, in my room. I didn't expect to have much opportunity for dinner, and I needed to think of the baby. As evening approached I began to ready myself to see him again. I remembered the two other occasions I had done something similar, and grimaced. Neither had ended happily, and yet here I was, not learning from my mistakes. Never mind, I decided, this time would be third time lucky.

I had a grey silk and chiffon dress, which floated ghostlike from my body as I walked, trailing gossamer threads. It disguised nothing, skimming and accentuating my swollen breasts and especially my tummy. I wore my hair loose and unadorned, the way I knew he liked it, but he had never seen it like this before. Middle-pregnancy had made it grow fast and furiously, and it was now a thicker and more glossy chestnut and hung down to my waist. I felt fecund, sensual, ripe, and more desirable than I had ever felt before, and I rejoiced now that the very hormones that had helped drive a wedge between Severus and me would now, hopefully, reunite us. I felt irresistible, and floated towards the Great Hall as if on a cloud.

I pushed open the main door and stood for a moment in the entrance, suddenly needing to  steady my nerve. The Hall was a hubbub of noisy chatter as the students tucked into their evening meal. Looking towards the staff table at the end of the room, I saw Severus look up, see me, and freeze. Slowly I began my long walk to him, between the House tables. As I went, the chatter around me died down and soon everywhere was silent, save for the clatter of several pieces of falling cutlery.

As I drew closer I could see the thunderous look on his face and my heart lurched. But it was too late now to do anything about it, and I was in no mood, besides, to turn tail and scuttle back to my rooms. Not this time. I reached the staff table, never once taking my eyes from his face until I did, then I passed round it to approach him from behind. He was motionless, clutching his knife and fork so tightly that his knuckles were white. I touched his shoulder and said,

"Severus."

He turned slowly, and the eyes he raised burned into mine and scorched my soul. He muttered in an undertone,

"What do you think you're doing, flaunting yourself like this?" and if I hadn't known him as well as I did, I would have been terrified.

"We need to talk. Right now. You know where to find me."

Before he could reply, I turned and made for the door behind his chair that led to the dungeons. Once it had shut behind me I breathed a sigh of relief and prayed he would follow me.

I hurried along as quickly as I was able, hoping to reach his rooms before he caught up with me.

"Mirror Mirabilis!" I said breathlessly as I walked, peering into the emerald with some difficulty because of the gloom of the darkening corridors to see him still sitting in his seat, glowering while Remus leant over to him and whispered something in his ear. Whatever it was, it provoked a scowl and an acid comment of some kind, but had the desired effect because I then saw Severus push back his chair and stand. He swept out of the Hall through the door that I had taken. 

I went into his classroom and sat down at one of the desks. Before long I heard loud footsteps approaching briskly and soon he burst into the classroom, his eyes blazing.

"You make an entrance almost as well as me!" I thought to myself as I stood up, with some difficulty.

"In here!" he snapped, unlocking the door to his office and striding in ahead of me. He muttered a charm to lock the door behind us to guarantee our privacy, then to my surprise he carried on into the bedroom.. I wondered whether he realised the nature of the message he'd just sent me, and whether it was done consciously or subconsciously. Either way, I thought it was a good sign. He whirled round to face me.

"Well? Wasn't this morning enough for you?" he said icily, folding his robes around himself in an unconsciously protective gesture. "Can you even begin to imagine the sort of day I've had? The whispering in class, the incredulous laughter in the corridors?"

"I don't need to imagine it, Severus, I've had it all day too!"

"And you decided to make it even worse! Do you realise the _damage_ you have just done to my standing here? To my reputation, my position at this school?"

"The damage was done this morning, and not by me. Do _you_ realise the damage you're doing to our _lives_?"

"The damage _I'm_ doing? How can I _possibly_ be damaging something that's already _broken beyond_ _repair_?" he spat.

"Don't _say_ that when you so obviously don't mean it! Stop playing games with me, it isn't _you_!"

 Crossing over to him, I looked up into his eyes, saying 

"I _miss_ you. I can't _stand_ it, Severus. I can't _bear_ to be _without_ you."

Hurt flashed across his face but he continued to scowl at me.

"You bore it well enough for these last few months!"

"I missed you every day- "

"Hah!"

"I _never _stopped loving you!"

"You went _too far_, and now it's over." 

"It was a chemical imbalance, Severus! Surely you can understand the concept? We need you! I need you, and the baby needs you!"

"I'm sure I'll be no great loss to the baby!" he sneered caustically.

"Oh, for God's sake, Severus!" I screamed at him, as something inside me snapped. "Do you have to be so intractable? Stop punishing me for something that wasn't even my fault! I _miss_ you! _I miss you_! I MISS YOU!" I yelled, beating my fists against his chest and beginning to sob uncontrollably. His face contorted with anguish and he grabbed my wrists and held them still, hurting me, his lips drawn in a tight line, a deep frown between his eyes.

My chest heaved as I was racked with loud sobs, and I let myself slump against him, my head on his chest, moaning in despair.

After a while he released my wrists and let his hands drop to his sides, standing as still as a wound-down automaton. 

"Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do, Severus," I said in a low voice, struggling to regain a modicum of composure. "You think that if you succeed in driving me away, you'll prove to yourself that you were right to shut me out. But you're _not_! And all the time, you're hoping I'll stay and fight, and I _will_, love, as long as it takes! Even if I have to steal in here in the dead of night and lay your newborn child next to you while you sleep so that you wake up to its cries! _I'll be here_."

I had straightened up as I spoke, and held his gaze unwaveringly, desperately trying to get through to him. Now, the conflict behind the mask, slipping at last, was unmistakeable, and I reached up to touch his cheek with my hand. He closed his eyes, his frown deepening, and I stroked the edge of is mouth with my thumb. He had not moved at all throughout my soliloquy, and I held my breath, wondering whether or not I should close the distance between us, measured in a mere few inches, by embracing him. 

Too late. The moment passed, ended harshly by a jarring, startling knocking at the door to Severus' office. His eyes snapped open, affording me a glimpse of deep sorrow and uncertainty, and a flash of anger, presumably directed at the unwelcome interruption. He crossed the room swiftly, disappearing into his office and closing the door behind him. I heard the door to the classroom open, and his voice, brusque and roughened by emotion, bark out,

"What do you want?"

There was a pause, during which a small voice stammered out something unintelligible. Then, Severus again, saying,

"Detention is cancelled. No, I mean – go to see Professor Sprout, tell her I've sent you to help out with the mandrakes. Well, go _on_ then, _get out_!"

The door slammed, and he locked it again. Needing to sit down to rest my aching back and collect my thoughts, I sat down on the window seat. Presently, Severus returned, closing the bedroom door behind him this time, another unconscious gesture, and leaning against it, shrouded in shadow.

I rubbed my hands over my face and said tiredly,

"Everything has to be black and white with you, Severus, and it isn't. There are so many shades of grey. Otherwise, how do you think I could have forgiven you for my parents and my sister? But I did, didn't I? I _do_! And I know I made a mistake, but I've explained, you should be able to understand why! So why can't you stop messing about like this and just _love_ me? Why do you have to be so _absolute_ about everything?"

His low voice was like velvet caressing my soul as he said quietly, 

"Because – because that's the way I love you, Ella. _Ab_solutely. Utterly. Without any qualification."

The soft torchlight illuminated his face as he raised his head slowly and looked at me, his expression now echoing the simple truth of his words. Hesitantly, hardly able to believe he'd said those words, I stood and took a step towards him, and then another, until my hands touched his chest and his arms circled my waist. As I searched his face for any sign of rejection or doubt, and found none, I sighed with relief and slipped my arms around his neck, shivering with love for him, pulling his head down to mine and feeling his hair slip through my fingers like silk.

I kissed him, my lips trembling, hesitantly, and he moaned and shuddered with emotion. I let myself lean against him, my tummy crushed against his body as his arms tightened around me and our kiss slowly deepened. The tips of our tongues touched, and I felt a surge of electricity charge through me, making me tighten my grip on his hair. We kissed for a very long time, our lips and gently dipping tongues all that set us apart from statues. I felt I was drowning in him, surrendering myself completely, and my legs almost buckled under me, but he was holding me now, keeping me floating, and nothing else in the world mattered. 

After a while, I felt a familiar rolling and churning in my stomach and I knew the baby was on the move. Sure enough, I felt several sharp kicks and I knew Severus had felt them too, for he began to smile against my lips, and then laugh delightedly. I laughed too, and soon his hands were stroking my hair and touching my face, and he was planting gentle kisses all over it.

"Severus," I gasped between kisses, "I need to know – is this what you want?"

"_Absolutely_…" he whispered, over and over, and at long last I knew I was finally home.

We sat on the leather armchair together, enlarged only slightly this time so that I could sit alongside him, cradled in his arms, my legs across his knees. I traced the outline of his face with my fingers, re-familiarising myself with every beloved inch of it, and we simply enjoyed holding one another once more. Eventually I said gently,

"What made you relent, finally? Just now, I mean."

He frowned slightly, and sighed.

"Part of me always wanted to forgive you. I just – couldn't bring myself to put you first again, like I did before. Ahead of my own pride. I'm not used to this, Ella. I don't like to be hurt. And you make me feel so – so powerless! _Me_! I don't like to feel…needy. Weak. But when it concerns you, I can't help it. Then when you reminded me of what I did to you, and how you forgave me…well, I suppose…" he paused thoughtfully. "I suppose it brought it home to me. Proved that you _do_ feel as strongly about me as I do about you."

"How could you ever have doubted it?"

"Well, you don't make it _easy_!"

"Yes, but after I explained?" I said gently, brushing a stray lock of hair from his face then winding it around my finger as I gazed deep into his black eyes.

"Because after you rejected me I didn't want to – carry on."

"It wasn't _me_ rejecting you!"

"It looked that way to _me_! You were pushing me away…all those fights we had, and I didn't _dare_ ask you why, in case – well, in case you told me you'd come to your senses at last, and just left me for good. And then, you left me anyway! I'd been expecting it all along, you see."

"Expecting me to leave you?"

"Part of me was, yes. I've always wondered why you ever fell in love with me, and then when I realised about your parents, well...I decided it was only a matter of time."

"Oh, Severus, I had no idea you felt like that!"

"I suppose we've both had secrets from each other," he said thoughtfully. "And I _still_ don't know why you're with me. Even now."

"I _love _you! I built you up in my mind before I met you, I know I did, but when I saw you I - I _knew_."

"That was _lust_, wasn't it?" he said pointedly, raising his eyebrows.

"It didn't take long before it was _more_ than that!" I replied, stroking his hair. "You've always made me feel so safe  - as if - as if I've come _home_. You're - caring, loving, supportive, I can talk to you for hours about everything!"

"Not _quite_ everything, apparently."

"From now on, everything."

"All I knew, when you came back, was that I couldn't bear it. And I couldn't stand to go through it all again. Lose you again. Not you and a baby as well. So, if I didn't let you back in, it wouldn't be as bad when you left again. Hah! I suppose I should have tried to understand your side of it, but I had no idea," he admitted grudgingly.  "Hormones, chemicals – I'm sorry."

 "Oh, Severus, I'm sorry too."

"Ella, at the trial…why didn't you tell me then? I would have had to tell you the truth, you would have known right then, this needn't have happened," he continued, looking at me sorrowfully.

"I – I should have done. But I wasn't thinking straight, especially after that woman. She was _so _obviously after you! And really, the way my mind was working then, I would have just told myself you'd been taking the antidote again, and not to believe a word you said!"

"But you believed me about _her_," he answered softly, touching my lips with his fingertips, staring at them. "You knew I just wanted to make you jealous, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did. But even Veritaserum antidote couldn't have hidden your feelings about that from me." I kissed him deeply, feeling him sigh as he pulled me closer. When we finally broke apart I was flushed and breathless.

"Severus, I have to know...how do you feel about this?" I asked, glancing down at myself. His solemn face broke into a quick smile,

"Hah!" before becoming serious again. His hand dropped from my cheek to my belly and he ran it over me in wonderment before raising his wonderfully expressive eyes to mine once more. He took a deep, shuddering breath and replied simply, in a whisper,

"It overwhelms me."

"So, where do we go from here?" I asked quietly, swallowing hard.

"Well, over there might be a good place to start," he said, nodding towards the bed. "Is it…I mean, can we…"

"Oh, yes!" I replied fervently.

I was trembling as he took me by the hand and led me over to the bed. Our bed. He never took his eyes from mine, and when we had shrugged off our clothes, which we did standing just inches apart, still too far, he looked down at me and let out a long, shuddering breath.

"You've never looked so beautiful," he said in awe, and I cried then, moving closer to him and winding my arms around his waist, savouring the warmth and the smoothness and the scarcely bearable bliss of his skin against mine. Gently he lay me down on the bed, climbing in beside me and propping himself up on one elbow, his body moulding itself into the lines and curves of mine. He leant over to kiss me and I sighed as his hand reached down to my breast. His touch was so longed for it made me ache, and I felt an unmistakeable heat between my legs as his hand moved lower, caressing my swollen belly, his eyes closed now, nuzzling my cheek with his nose and lips, breathing my name as he touched me. One of my arms was around his neck, holding him close to me, the other stroked up and down his back, pulling him on to me impatiently.

He moved over me then, looking down at me questioningly, on all fours between my parted legs.. I reached down and grasped him, long, hard, hot, and he moaned with desire as I guided him towards my aching inner folds, which were crying out for him.

"It's been _so long_…" I breathed as he sucked my nipples one at a time, flicking his tongue over the hard nubs until tremors rushed through my body to my very epicentre and I nearly wept with want for him. I gripped his shoulder with my free hand, pulling him up to kiss him, and I cried out "Ah!" into his mouth as he entered me. He was very slow, very gentle, and I felt his body shaking as he lowered it on to mine.

"Is it okay?" he murmured, his lips brushing against mine as he spoke.

"Yes! Yes!" I panted, tangling my fingers in his long black hair, feeling the silky smoothness of it, the sensation arousing me unbearably and making me arch my hips up to meet his. I pressed my belly against his, feeling the hardness and the heat of him, so longed for, and for so long, and then at last he slid his full length inside me so that I gasped at the sudden sensation of fullness. Completeness.

"Oh, Severus! Hold me!" I cried, blissful, and we clasped each other, connected, marvelling in the sensation of being as one once again.

I had tried so hard, missing him, to remember what it had felt like to hold him inside me, and now I wrapped my legs around him, barely daring to breathe lest the sensation changed and left me craving him once more.

"I've missed you!" Severus groaned in my ear as he began to rock his hips, oh so slowly. I couldn't reply. I was overwhelmed by the sensations coursing through my body. I had missed him in every single way; my heart, my mind, both had pined for him, and now my body was so in tune with him, answering his call on some primal level, and I tingled all over as it cried out to his.

My growing stomach prevented him from rolling his hips firmly against mine in order to bring us both to a climax, so instead he moved up a little, withdrawing from me almost completely before sliding in and out, his shaft massaging my engorged centre so sweetly that I began to cry out in my bliss almost immediately. As I screamed out his name he gazed down at me, his eyes full of fire, and I writhed and bucked under him until he was calling out my name back at me, throwing back his head and holding himself inside me, as far in as he could, while my thighs gripped him tightly.

Afterwards I felt him shrink inside me and I held him more closely, trying to keep him there for as long as I could. Eventually, however, he moved to lie by my side with a sigh. Our bodies remained entwined, and one of his arms provided me with a pillow while his hand stroked my back, the other hand caressing the baby inside me. I buried my head in his chest and breathed in his familiar scent. I could feel his heart pounding against my cheek, so steady, so strong, and I tried to squeeze even closer to him, not wanting even a particle of space between us now.

"What are you doing down there? Are you _burrowing_?" he murmured lovingly into my hair. I laughed.

"I can't believe you're mine again," I replied, kissing the soft skin below his armpit.

"Oh, let's face it, I always was. And you knew that all along, didn't you? Deep down?"

"Yes, but I didn't know whether you'd ever relent and admit it."

"Neither did I. I don't _give_ second chances."

"I know. Hey, I hope you realise you won't be able to be so intractable with the baby!"

"I'll be a pussycat, Ella, I promise."

"As long as you're a panther, not a fluffy little kitten…" I teased, looking up at him.

He laughed, his eyes crinkling at the corners in a way I'd rarely seen before. It suited him and I touched his temple, tracing the lines the smile made.

"Oh, I love you!" I said.

"I know. I love you too. Both of you."

Time passed, and we lay together in silence, our afterglow denying us further conversation. Eventually, however, I murmured,

"I miss you."

"What? I'm right here!" he replied, frowning down at me slightly, perplexed.

"I mean, I _miss_ you!" I said meaningfully, moving my hand down between us until I could cup and squeeze him gently. "I want to feel you in me again, Severus, it's been so long…"

"I'm not getting any younger, I don't know if I can – oh, Ella!"

His eyes closed as I worked my hand insistently up and down his shaft, quickly proving him wrong. I wrapped my leg around his waist as high as I could and tilted my pelvis towards him, aided by his right hand pressing into the small of my back. I guided him into me and sighed with pleasure as he filled me once more, trying to absorb every inch of him as the fire of his love consumed every inch of me.

"This is what I want, Severus," I breathed. "You and me, joined like this. I've _longed_ for this!"

His eyes were heavy-lidded, hooded with passion, his moans catching in his throat as his opened mouth brushed against mine. His thrusts deepened and his hand splayed across my buttocks, pulling me against him firmly and rhythmically.

"Ella…" he groaned as he held himself still, deep inside me.

"Just like this, Severus! Oh, love! Oh, Severus! Don't let go! Oh, please, oh, love!"

I reached up to his face, my hands trembling, and I smoothed back his hair from his sweat-sheened temples, gazing deep into the darkness of his eyes.

"I'll never let go again!" he moaned, pumping into me again and pressing his drawn-back lips against mine as his climax began, his words and the intensity of his voice triggering my own, a sudden blissful explosion of light and heat. We rode it out together, clinging to one another with savage, desperate intensity, and all of the hardships we had endured to reach that moment were as nothing.


	33. And Set This Spirit Free

Chapter 35 

**_…And Set This Spirit Free_**

I woke to the sound of running water, reminding me that the baby was very uncomfortably placed at the moment. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I groaned as I tried to sit up. I was alone, but the evidence all around me served to reassure me that the previous night had been more than just a glorious dream. The bed linen was scrunched up at the foot of the bed, and as I sat up and gravity did its job, the evidence of our passion seeped from me. I sighed contentedly, remembering the way he had felt, the way he had looked; the way his eyes had burned into mine and the way his skin made mine sing wherever it touched. I stared into space for a few moments, lost in a reverie, but had to rouse myself at last and was soon padding through to the bathroom. I found the bath nearly full, of pink water and rose petals.

"Oh, Severus, how sweet!" I said, although he wasn't there. I turned off the tap and decided to leave the bath for a few minutes, and instead pulled on Severus' dressing gown. I went back into the bedroom and through to his office. I could hear his voice coming from the classroom beyond, and I pressed my ear against the closed door, giggling as I heard him say in an impatient tone,

"Just the _one_ lacewing, Mr Creevey, we don't want to be scooping you up from the floor with a spoon, now do we?"

I smiled happily, wondering when his class would finish, yawning as I tried to remember how many times we had made love the previous night. I went over to the fireplace and removed the lid from a small pewter pot on the mantelpiece. Throwing a pinch of powder into the flames, I knelt in front of the fire and said clearly,

"Hermione Granger!"

A spinning head appeared in the grate, smiling broadly at me as it slowed down.

"Ella! You weren't in your room when I called this morning -I take it you're in Professor Snape's?" 

I laughed, saying,

"Oh, Hermione, I'm so happy!!"

"Thank _goodness_! You caused such a stir again last night, the whole school's talking about it!"

"I'm not surprised," I said wryly. "Poor Severus, he's going to have to be very mean to everyone to hold on to his reputation now! I hope Professor Dumbledore isn't too cross with me."

"Well, he's used to damage limitation, after Valentine's Day! So, is Professor Snape pleased?"

"Not that it's _any_ of your business, but yes, Miss Granger, I am ecstatic," Severus said superciliously, crouching behind me silently and placing his hands on my shoulders. "Now please excuse us, Ella's bath is waiting."

Hermione's eyes widened in amusement and she was about to reply when Severus muttered 

"Finite Incantatem!" and she disappeared.

"That was very rude," I said, turning to kiss him. He simply shrugged and said,

"Your bath's getting cold."

"Was that you? I wondered if it was the house elves."

He looked very affronted as he helped me to my feet.

"No, _I _did it! The house elves don't have the imagination or the skill to blend all those fragrances into something" – his nose crinkled distastefully – "that you would find appealing."

"It's been a long time since we took a bath together," I sighed, slipping my arms around his neck as the dressing gown fell open, exulting in the way the heavy fabric of his tightly buttoned frock coat felt against my bare skin.

"Well, we aren't going to share this one," he answered firmly. "This is for you. It'll do you good. And I'm not going anywhere near it, I don't want to smell like a flor…" I cut him off with a kiss. He wrapped his arms around me with a

"Mmmm…" as he ran his hands over my skin, raising goosebumps wherever they touched, but then reluctantly disentangled himself and led me into the bathroom.

"Get in," he ordered sternly. "I have another class."

I lay in the bath and drifted away, steam rising all around me as I tried to identify all the individual fragrances. Severus was excellent at his job, I thought, as the different notes, jasmine, freesia, sandalwood, magnolia, all blended perfectly. I even enjoyed it when he bossed me about, I smiled to myself.

I had just finished getting dressed when Severus came back.

"Thanks for the bath!" I said, beaming at him as I fastened my shoes. He acknowledged my thanks a little stiffly.

"What's up?" I asked, getting up and crossing over to him, reaching up to kiss him gently. His arms slipped round me instinctively and I buried my nose in his jacket, breathing deeply. He smelled of a strangely beguiling blend of sandalwood and sulphurous cauldrons.

"Nothing's up, I just – I don't know. It's difficult to switch from teacher to lover, that's all. There's only a doorway between the two. You know, I _still_ can't get used to the fact that you're here! And that youngest Creevey is a particular irritation, the Longbottom of his year, unless I'm very much mistaken."

I squeezed him more tightly as I felt his words rumble in his chest. He pressed his lips against the top of my head and I felt him slowly relax.

"Ella, did last night really happen?"

"Yes, it did, and I can't stop thinking about it!"

"Neither can I. It's been so _long_, Ella, so many months of missing you, wanting you…"

"Oh, Severus, I don't feel like lunch any more, let's stay here…" I cajoled, running my hands up and down his back and sneaking one under his long jacket until I found the waistband of his trousers.

"You have to eat, we missed breakfast," he objected, as he bent down to suck the soft skin below my ear, making me shiver deliciously.

"Later," I murmured, unfastening his jacket and leading him over to his chair. I pushed him down into it and knelt at his feet, between his long, long legs.

"What are you doing?" he asked softly as I opened his trousers and released him.

"I think you know…" I breathed, as I lowered my mouth on to him, stroking and fondling him at the same time.

"Aah!" he groaned, gripping my shoulders, my hair spilling over his legs as my tongue drew wet circles around the tip of his shaft. Strung out in an agony of pleasure Severus writhed underneath me, panting and moaning.

"Oh, Ella! Oh, yes, oh, don't stop – aah! – Oh, who the BLOODY HELL is that?"

There had been a loud knock at the door.

I looked up at him, dishevelled, my eyes unfocussed with passion.

"Ignore it," I said, and continued to kiss him.

"Severus, are you there?"

"It's Albus! Aah! Oh, dammit!"

Reluctantly I released him, with one last mischievous lick across his head, making him draw in his breath sharply and grip the arms of his chair. I sat back on the rug and smiled lasciviously, licking my lips. Very annoyed, Severus adjusted his trousers, hissing

"Well, let him _in_, then!"

"Yes _sir_!"

I put on my sunniest, most innocent smile and welcomed the Headmaster into Severus' office.

"Ah, good afternoon, Ella! Severus, I was going to see you after lunch today but I decided to catch you first, I do hope I haven't called at an inconvenient time?" he twinkled.

"No, no, Headmaster, not at all," Severus replied with difficulty. I winked at him and said lightly,

"I'll see you at the staff table, Severus!" and made to leave them alone, trying not to smile at Severus' obvious discomfort. 

"Oh, before you go, Ella…I fully understand your motives, but please…the next time you decide to make such a public statement in front of the students, especially after what they had seen in the press yesterday morning, please remember that some of them are very impressionable, and that I am answerable to the board of governors?"

"Oh. Yes, Headmaster. I'm sorry," I blushed, but his eyes were twinkling and I could tell that he was glad for us.

I bumped into Remus and Sirius on my way to the Great Hall.

"Well?" questioned Sirius.

My smile must have spoken volumes, for he enveloped me in a huge bear hug and span me round exuberantly.

"I'm very happy for you!" he exclaimed.

"Really?"

"Really," he affirmed, looking into my eyes, serious now. "You _should _be together."

"But Sirius, I know it must be –"

"I _know _you should be together," he repeated.

Remus hugged me too, his gentle blue eyes smiling down at me.

"I'm so pleased for you both."

"Thanks Remus. What did you say to him at dinner last night?"

"Oh, after your dramatic entrance and exit?" he laughed. "Er, well, nothing really profound, just that he should go to you, and that I was sure he knew deep down that you'd make him happy. He pulled a face, but I'm used to that!"

"Ella!" called Hermione as she ran down the staircase from Gryffindor Tower. "Oh, I _knew_ it would all work out!" Then, whispering in my ear, "Tell me all the juicy details later!"

"Hermione, Severus is your teacher, I can't possibly!" I scolded, laughing. "But I can tell you one thing. The Headmaster just called at a _very_ bad time…"

Her eyes widened.

"Why? What were you doing?"

"I'll tell you when you're old enough!" I teased as we entered the Great Hall arm in arm.

Severus joined me at the staff table towards the end of lunch, when most of the students had already left and only a few stragglers were still filing out.

"I'm sorry I took so long."

"What did Professor Dumbledore want?"

Severus snorted crossly,

"Well, I can tell you this, it could have waited till after lunch! It was nowhere _near_ as important as what he interrupted!"

I couldn't help but laugh, and he looked at me askance.

"It isn't funny! You have no idea how _painful_ it was!"

"Well, I'll have to kiss it better later, then, won't I?" I replied playfully. His penetrating gaze softened somewhat, and I saw the trace of a smile play around his lips.

"Sirius and Remus just left," I said.

"Oh, good, I missed them," he answered casually. I looked at him.

"I just thought you'd want to see them today…"

"What for?"

"Never mind."

"Don't worry," he sighed. "I'll thank Lupin for his little homily last night, and I'll thank Black for not trying to seduce you in France!"

Ouch, I thought, and cringed inwardly, but kept my counsel. Instead, I said,

"So, what did the Headmaster want?"

He put down his knife and fork and turned to face me.

"It _was_ quite important really, Ella. It was about Malfoy." 

"What about him?" I asked, a sinking, roiling sensation in my stomach as I wondered what he was about to say.

"He's lodged an appeal against his sentence."

"_What_? On what grounds?"

"He claims he acted under Imperius."

"Oh, _rubbish_! He's rotten through and through, he's a Death Eater, for pity's sake!"

"I know, Ella, and I agree with you…although I'm glad you weren't here to judge _me_ all those years ago!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, love, but this is completely different!"

"Well, that's a moot point. But anyway, it's okay. And, I'm afraid," he continued slowly, "it would appear that he has friends in high places."

"Why? They haven't let him out, have they?"

"Oh, good grief, no! You've been too long in the Muggle world, Ella. No, I mean, he seems to have the support of the Minister for Magic himself."

"Fudge! Fudge believes him?"

"I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised in the least. He intends to go to Azkaban personally to interview him further."

I shivered, a chill stealing over my soul as I remembered my ordeal at Voldemort's hands. Voldemort and Malfoy would always be linked inextricably in my mind, and I loathed and feared them both.

Severus took my hand and pressed it to his cheek to kiss my palm, his eyes never leaving mine.

I gazed at him, comforted, but more than anything I wanted to crawl into his arms and have him protect me. And despite my concern about Malfoy, my hand was tingling where he had kissed it.

"Severus, you have a free period now, don't you?"

He nodded.

"Well, I'd really like to make love to you."

"Your rooms are closest," he said, immediately scraping back his chair.

Muttering a soundproofing and locking charm on my door, Severus turned to me and enfolded me in his arms, wrapping his robe around me and kissing my upturned face hungrily.

"I want you _now_," he murmured urgently. "I'm still aching for you from before!"

I reached down to caress him, feeling an unmistakeable bulge through his trousers, reaching lower to cup his balls in my hand.

"Aah!" he moaned, squeezing his eyes shut. I laughed throatily, feeling my own arousal soak me once more. I withdrew his wand from inside his robes and said,

"Divestio!" removing first his clothes, leaving him startled, then my own. He was in a highly aroused state and I took him gently in my hand, making him shudder convulsively and grip my shoulders. Tugging at him gently, I indicated that we should lie down on my bed. He pulled me down with him and we explored one another's bodies hungrily with hands and mouths. He was breathing heavily and his eyes were glazed with passion. 

I was so aroused at the sight of him, the touch and the scent of him, that I felt molten heat between my thighs and wanted to wait no longer. I pushed his shoulder down so that he lay on his back and straddled him, aching for him, while I positioned myself so that the tip of his penis nudged against my wet folds. Slowly I moved up and down on it, teasing him, until he could take no more and grabbed my hips, pulling me down on to him and impaling me. My internal muscles tightened spasmodically around him, holding him in, and I gazed down at him, moaning his name. His mouth was open, his breathing ragged, and his eyes were hooded, half closed with desire. 

His hands left my hips now and moved to my breasts, and he stroked my hardened nipples with his thumbs. I arched my back with pleasure and began to gyrate slowly, rocking my hips, enjoying the expression on his face as he drank me in. He moved his right hand from my breast as his breathing became shallower, and pushed his hand under my swollen belly to cup my mound, his long fingers searching out and then gently stroking my engorged centre. I cried out then, and our rhythm speeded up until I was coming, yelping out with joy, screaming his name over and over, feeding his excitement and then he too was climaxing, tensing deep inside me, filling me with the hot rush of him, making me carry on and on until I was delirious with joy, weeping and shaking.

He pulled me down to him and I rested my cheek on his sweat-dampened chest, sliding sideways until I lay in his strong arms and he held me so tightly, so close.

"Are you alright?" he asked softly, kissing the top of my head and stroking my back. "You're shaking!"

"Yes, fine. It was – it was just _so_ intense!"

"I know. You're amazing. The way you make me feel…"

"Mmm…"

We lay entwined for a while, silently. He continued to stroke my back, and I ran my fingertips over his chest, my eyes inches away from the smattering of dark hairs there. I knew every inch of this man, I marvelled, and loved him beyond all measure. I didn't even notice the Dark Mark any more, which had faded to a pale shadow against the fair skin on his forearm since Voldemort's latest defeat. Eventually, he said reluctantly,

"I have to go. I have a class in five minutes."

I complained and snuggled even closer to him, but he took hold of my arm gently and pushed himself away from me a little, looking down into my eyes teasingly.

"Now Ella, you mustn't come between me and my work, not when students are involved!"

"Okay, as long as I can 'come between you and the bed' later!" I said in a lewd tone, making his eyes widen in false shock.

"Are you insatiable, woman?" he demanded.

"For you, yes!" I answered, reaching behind his neck to pull him to me for a lingering kiss.

"Oh, Ella, I _have_ to go!" he laughed as we eventually broke apart. I flopped back onto the bed and lay there wantonly as I watched him dress. Green silk boxers, high collared white linen shirt, black trousers with buttons at the fly and the ankles, black socks, shiny black shoes, darkest purple frock coat with buttons _everywhere_, and finally voluminous black robes. I sighed, replaying the scene backwards in my head.

"Have you the _remotest_ idea what you look like?" I said, yearning for him.

"What's wrong with what I look like?" he puzzled, looking down at himself.

"Absolutely nothing, that's the whole point!"

"I'll see _you_ later!" he said, looking at me intensely, and he left in a flurry just as the bell to signal the end of the last lesson sounded. I heard his footsteps echoing back to me as he ran down the corridor, and rubbed my stomach lovingly, feeling satiated, happy, and loved. I rolled over into the space where he had lain, still warm, and buried my face in the pillow that still bore his scent.


	34. Build My World Around You

Chapter 36 

**_Build My World Around You_**

Eventually I grew impatient to see him again, a restlessness born out of too many long months without him, and I reached for the stone around my neck. It wasn't there, and I realised in disbelief that I'd left it beside his bed – our bed - the night before. Cursing, I leaned over the edge of the bed instead, to retrieve the box that I stored underneath. There, on top, was the prospectus, and I grasped it and sat up. Then, I noticed Severus' long ebony wand lying on the floor where I had dropped it after taking it to perform the Divestio charm.

"Oh, damn, he'll need that…" I muttered, cheering up when I realised I didn't need to satisfy my craving to see him by use of the prospectus any more.

I pulled on a long dark green top and a pair of black trousers, leaving behind my robes, since there was no longer any need to disguise myself, and made my eager way down to the dungeons. The classroom door was closed so I knocked, trying to wipe the excited, devoted smile from my face in the interests of decorum, and I heard Severus call out,

"Enter!"

Inside were the seventh year Gryffindor and Slytherin students, including Hermione, Harry and Ron, who smiled as they saw me. Severus was standing at his desk and as I approached, conscious of all the students' eyes on me, he sauntered down from the dais upon which his desk stood down to me and stood with his arms folded, looking at me impassively.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Professor Snape," I said politely, "but might I have a word with you?"

"Certainly," he replied curtly, "In here," and he opened the door to his office. I went in, and heard a low buzz of conversation break out behind me.

"Silence!" Severus barked over his shoulder as he followed me inside and closed the door.

"Ella, I meant what I said, you are an immense distraction!" he said sternly. "Particularly today! And not just for me, I might add, after the whole _school_ witnessed last night's exhibition! Whatever it is, you should have waited until the end of the lesson!"

"I'm sorry, Severus, I didn't _want_ to interrupt, but I thought you might need this _before_ the end of the lesson!" I said, producing his wand.

"Ah. Yes," he said, taking it from me and pocketing it. "Thank you, I _will_ be needing it. I'd forgotten you'd picked my pockets!" he continued, still annoyed but pulling me to him anyway. "Oh, I really didn't want to leave you before, and you made it _very_ difficult for me to go! And now here you are…"

I was about to reply but he trapped my lips with his and kissed me with a passion that took my breath away, again.

"Oh, Severus…" I whispered against his cheek as I tangled my fingers in his hair, "…You should get back out there. Their NEWTS start next week - "

"Yes, I _know_ that!" he said waspishly. "Will you wait here for me?"

"No, I would be _far_ too much of a distraction for you, waiting just in the next room…" I said, continuing slyly, "…but I'll wait next door if you like. In _bed_."

"Oh, you _witch_…why do you have to _do_ this to me?"

"Go back out there and take out your frustrations on your students!" I laughed.

"That's _not_ funny, you know that I will!" he answered dryly, releasing me reluctantly and turning to go. As he closed the door behind him I went up to it and listened for a moment. I heard his footfalls as he stalked around the classroom, then his characteristically cutting voice rang out,

"Oh, _do_ get on with it, Longbottom! D'you know, I doubt very much that anyone in this room, with the _obvious_ exception of the _estimable_ Miss Granger, realises the enormity of what they will be undertaking over the next two weeks. Of course, if you don't…"

Smiling to myself and mentally congratulating Severus on his restraint, I crossed the office and went into the bedroom. I saw my emerald straight away, still on the table beside the bed, and I put it on at once.

 I went over to the window seat so that I could look out over the lake. Cross legged and leaning back against the stone lintel, with my left leg pressed against the diamond shaped panes of leaded glass, I adjusted the cushions behind the small of my back and watched the still, deep, treacherous waters below. Occasional ripples from large bubbles were perturbing evidence that the shifting depths hid more than their fair share of secrets and thankfully unseen inhabitants. After a while, I decided I would far rather examine the hidden depths of my lover's face, so I took the emerald in my hand, uttering the charm. Severus appeared in the stone, and I ran my fingers over his image lovingly as I watched him prowl around the classroom, peering into cauldrons and muttering darkly.

The shadow of the castle lengthened over the lake as the sun moved across the sky, and I could see that the double Potions class was drawing to a close. Severus was hunched over his desk now, busily marking papers in his elegant copperplate hand, his quill scratching its way across the various scrolls, while his students tidied their ingredients away and labelled their bottles of newly prepared potions before lining them up in the corner by the sink. As the bell rang and all the students filed out, Severus gathered up all of the scrolls from his desk and swept through to his office. I heard him mutter the locking charm and seconds later he opened the bedroom door. He stood in the doorway, gazing uncomprehendingly at the undisturbed bed, before flickering his gaze around the room until finally he noticed me.

"Oh! I thought you'd be in bed!" he said, crestfallen.

"I changed my mind," I said carelessly as he approached the window seat. "I decided, undressing's no fun unless you're here to watch me," I added slyly, reaching out for his hands and pulling him down beside me.

"Well I'm here now," he replied, his eyes piercing into mine.

"So undress me," I whispered, thrilling at the touch of his hands travelling up my arms to fasten behind my neck as they drew me to him for a gentle, lingering kiss. He tasted wonderful, and I let my tongue explore his mouth and his lips, eliciting a shuddering sigh.

"Do you know how difficult it is, trying to concentrate on my class, when thinking about you in the next room, waiting for me, means I'm in a constant state of arousal?" he murmured as he took my hand from his waist and moved it downwards until I let it brush across the front of his trousers. I planted light kisses all around his mouth as he spoke, and answered him simply by flicking my tongue into his mouth and cupping him in my hand through his trousers, making him gasp.

We stood up, and I lifted my arms so that he could pull the jumper over my head. Muttering a charm he magically unfastened all thirty-odd of his buttons so that I could slip his robes, jacket and shirt from his shoulders while he unclasped my bra. He pulled it from me impatiently in order to bend down and take one of my aching nipples in his mouth. I gasped at the sweetness of his caresses, closing my eyes and holding his head close to my breast. Dropping to his knees he slid his hands down the waistband of my trousers, and pushed them down past my stomach, transferring his attention from my breasts to my belly, which he began to nuzzle and kiss ardently, licking my navel, stroking me with one hand while the other helped me step out of my trousers and briefs and kick them to one side. 

Lacing my fingers in his hair I pulled back his head and gazed into his eyes. He was flushed, his eyes looked drunk with passion and he was breathing heavily through parted lips. I wondered whether the expression on my face was the same, wondered whether he was feeling as intoxicated on desire for me as I was for him.

He stood and led me over to the bed. He helped me climb in and then continued where he had left off, kissing and fondling my stomach and breasts, his hands roaming all over me, leaving a trail of fire which raced towards my groin and made me tingle with desire. Eventually I could take no more and my lust for him had to be appeased.

"Severus, stop!" I moaned, impatient to worship every single part of him with my mouth, beginning with his feet.

"What's wrong?" he asked huskily.

"It's my turn."

I pushed him down and our positions were reversed. As he lay on the bed I moved to the very bottom and took one of his long thin feet in my hands. He watched, surprised, as I lifted it up to my mouth and began to suck his toes. I watched his long, hard manhood twitch as it jutted up from the black thatch at its root, and his stomach muscles tensed as he tried not to pull his foot away.

"You have ticklish feet!" I smiled, releasing it and moving up to his ankle and calf, leaving a wet tongue trail as I licked the black hairs on his leg, stroking my hands further up his thighs as I went. He began to relax and let out a long

"Aah…" as my tongue found the soft hairless skin at the back of his knee. I moved across to his other leg now, and kissed my way up his thigh, my hair falling across his legs and brushing between them, making him moan and shiver as he tensed up again. I sucked at the skin in the hollow of his hip, running one hand along his thigh while the other splayed out across his chest, where he covered it with his own and pushed it downwards. I chuckled throatily and resisted even though the evidence of my own arousal was undeniable, preferring to leave the path clear for my tongue to caress the very place denied by my hand. He arched his back so suddenly that I thought the convulsion would throw us both from the bed, and as I lowered my mouth on to him firmly, tasting his saltiness, he cried out softly,

"No, no, I can't – oh, stop, stop, I can't stop…"

I sat up on the bed and looked down at his writhing, panting form. I had absolute power over him, and we both knew it, but now I would let him take control once more. He took my hand and sat up, pulling me on to him so that I was sitting astride him. Our faces were mere inches apart, and we breathed one another's breath as he placed his hands underneath my buttocks and lifted me, then gently pushed me down on to him. We both cried out and clung together, eyes closed, all thought gone and replaced by pure sensation.

He filled me completely, stretched me. All I could feel was the size of him, the heat of him, with my heart pounding in my chest, pressed against his, blood rushing through my ears, his hot breath panting in my hair. Tilting my pelvis towards him, I began to rock gently, feeling an incredibly sweet sensation deep inside me as his shaft massaged my vaginal wall with tantalisingly small strokes. I bit my lower lip between my teeth and screwed shut my eyes as I began to rock harder. Severus pulled my hips closer to him, squashing my tummy against him and groaning with pleasure.

Molten heat began to spread from inside me, where he was rubbing and rubbing against me, welling up and rippling outwards through my whole body until I began to shake and writhe on him uncontrollably. I was overcome by the most powerful orgasm I had ever known, and as I came I threw myself backwards, my arms outstretched as if in supplication, and he held on tight around my waist, reaching hungrily for my nipples. His sucking and nipping pushed me on to even greater heights as I felt his hot seed spurt inside me, over and over, until our bodies were limp and I buried my face in his neck, crying softly into his hair.

We sat there wrapped around each other until our hearts' fearsome pounding had eased and our breathing had slowed. Severus released me from his tight embrace just sufficiently to search out my lips for a tender kiss, and he pulled me down on to the bed with him so that my hair hid our faces like a curtain.

Eventually I slid off him until I was lying on my side, my left leg across his, cradled happily in his arms. With a languid flick of his wrist he covered us with the bed linen and sighed contentedly. We lay like that, not talking, not kissing, for a long time, simply enjoying being together in our afterglow, and savouring the warmth of the other's body against our own, until Severus said thoughtfully,

"Ella, tell me something, and don't laugh at me?"

"Mmm?"

"Could I possibly be any happier than this?"

"Oh, Severus!" I smiled, nestling against him, "Not until you become a father!"

He squeezed me tight, his hand stroking my tummy lovingly, laughing softly,

"Ha! Look at that!" when his child kicked against his hand.

"Severus?"

"Mmm?"

"Where do we go from here?"

"The Great Hall, for dinner?"

"No, I don't mean literally!"

"So what _do_ you mean?"

"Us! You and me!"

"Er…we stay here?"

"Are you being dense on purpose?" I said half irritably, propping myself up and frowning down at him as he lay half asleep. His eyes snapped open.

"Dense? Me? Certainly not!" he objected. "I just don't know what you're getting at, that's all. You should express yourself more clearly."

With this last comment delivered, he closed his eyes once more and stretched languidly, an irritatingly smug half-smile playing around his lips.

"I mean, we don't even live together, what are we going to do when the baby arrives? Are we all staying at Hogwarts?"

"Can we discuss this later?"

"No, I need to know _now_."

He sighed, opening just one eye again, through which he looked at me amusedly.

"May I refer you back to my previous comment which, I _believe_, was – ah yes, 'we stay here'. I think that's all I need to say."

"What, we'll live here at Hogwarts?"

"_Now_ who's being dense? _We_, that is, the three of us, stay _here_, that is, exactly where we are now. I'm asking you to live down here with me, Ella. Not by my invitation, but as your _right_. As your _home._ Clear now?"

"Oh!" I said, blushing.

"Isn't that what you want?"

"Well, yes, but is it what _you_ want?"

"Oh, good grief – yes, of course!"

He drew me down to him and kissed me lovingly, running his hands up and down my back, taking my hair in his hands, winding it round his fists.

"You're thinking something, aren't you?" he said suddenly, breaking our kiss and looking at me with raised eyebrows. "I can tell, you know. Come on, tell me, what's wrong?"

"Well…I love it here, but children take up so much space – how will we make everything fit?"

"There are empty rooms next to these… I'm sure Albus will be only too happy to make the necessary alterations. And in a few years, if we need more space, we can get a big house in Hogsmeade, I suppose…"

"With roses round the door?" I teased.

"No, I hate flowers," he said distastefully.

"You've got this all planned out!" I said incredulously.

"Not at all! I'm just being practical."

"Severus Snape!"

"_What_? You started it!" he complained, before moving down the bed again and making me forget completely what I had been about to say. Since my heart had leapt with joy at his assumption that we would still be together several years hence, this was an inconvenient, although exceptionally pleasurable, turn of events, and I lay back and delighted in his love once more.


	35. And After All Is Said, Is Said And Done

Chapter 37 

And After All Is Said, Is Said And Done

Not even the prospect of having to speak civilly to Sirius and Remus over dinner seemed capable of wiping the smile off Severus' face as we dressed. Every time I looked at him, it was playing around his lips.

As we walked along the deserted lower corridors Severus took my hand and laced his fingers through mine, slowing his pace so that I could keep up.

"_You're_ waddling," he observed, looking sideways at me.

"So? You're swaggering!"

"I am not!" he said, mildly affronted.

"Yes you are. And you can't stop smiling. If any of your students saw you now, they'd be scared to death!"

"Well, I can stop _that_. I doubt you could _walk_ normally."

"Bet you can't. And I _am_ walking normally, for a heavily pregnant woman!"

" 'Heavily pregnant'? Mmm, I like that description of you!" he said, turning to me with a self-satisfied smirk and slipping his arm around my waist to pull me to him.

"Well, you won't like it so much when I'm moaning at you all the time because I've got heartburn, or backache, or…"

He silenced me with a fervent kiss.

"Oh, I think I will," he murmured when we broke apart, his black eyes boring deep into mine. 

We arrived at the top of the stairs just in time to see Remus and Sirius disappear into the Great Hall. Severus looked irritated and sighed peremptorily,

"Come on then, let's get it over with!" and let me lead the way.

"Lupin, Black," he said awkwardly as we approached the staff table. They looked up at us enquiringly, and he continued, "I'd like to…thank you both." His lips tightened, and his eyes darted between them as he gauged their reaction. "We, er, owe you a debt of gratitude," he finished stiffly, holding out his hand to a bemused Remus, who nevertheless recovered himself and shook it, smiling broadly. Turning now to Sirius with a pained expression on his face, Severus again held out his hand. Sirius took it and shook it firmly, looking serious.

"Any time, Snape."

Severus inclined his head, and pulled back my chair for me to sit down.

"So," said Remus brightly, breaking the slightly awkward silence, "are you going to the Quidditch final a week on Saturday? Ravenclaw and Gryffindor?"

"Oh, yes!" I enthused.

"That all depends, Ella, on whether or not you could manage all those steps at the moment," noted Severus.

"Of _course_ I can!"

"I don't know, Ella, look at what you were like after we climbed that hill, the day of the storm…" Sirius trailed off as Severus leaned forward to look across me and glare at Sirius suspiciously.

"Hill? Storm?"

"Nothing, love, never mind," I said, trying to mollify him and defuse the situation. "I'll be fine, and I'm looking forward to it. I haven't had chance to see a match all year!"

Severus opened his mouth to pass comment, but obviously thought better of it, and simply frowned instead.

Sirius suddenly discovered that he had something of great importance to tell Professor Vector, who sat on his left, and so Remus and I launched into a spirited discussion about the relative merits of the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor teams. Discreetly, I put my hand on Severus' knee as I talked across him, and after a while he began to join in the conversation, interjecting dry observations of his own.

The meal was soon over, and mentally I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, from now on, the ice would stay broken.

"I wonder if we could double-date with Hermione and Remus?" I thought to myself wryly, smiling as I imagined what Severus' response would doubtless be to that suggestion. Remus sped off to spend some time with Hermione before she settled down to a few hours of study, and Sirius wished us goodnight and beat a hasty retreat before Severus could ask him any difficult questions.

Those questions, however, were reserved for me, later on.

It was a very pleasant June evening so I persuaded Severus to go for a gentle stroll around the grounds. He agreed, on condition that we head for the greenhouses so that he could have a chat with Professor Sprout about the mandrakes, whose leaves he wanted her to dry in a particular way.

"That way, there's a point to it, isn't there?"

"There doesn't _need_ to be a point to it, it's just – a romantic thing that couples do!" I said, exasperated.

"Hmm. Alright. Anyway, the exercise will do you good."

Rolling my eyes, I took his arm and ducked underneath it so that it was around my shoulders. Looking around uncomfortably in case any stragglers in the Entrance Hall had noticed, he saw the dark look on my face and had the good grace to look slightly sheepish.

"Come on, let's get on with it," he said, and then I just had to laugh.

As we reached the bottom of the steps leading from the great oak doors, Severus turned right as I tried to go straight ahead.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well, if we go this way, we can go through that archway and cut across the Silent Quadrangle, through the Whispering Cloisters, and then we're nearly at the greenhouses."

Despairing of him, I gently reminded him of the reason for our stroll.

"If we go this way, we can go through the rose garden, and have a lovely view of the lake from Godric's Seat!"

"Ah. Well, we'll go _back_ that way," he replied, trying to sound enthusiastic. Smiling, I acceded, and he slipped his arm back around my shoulders without being prompted. I looked up at his strong profile as a warm breeze blew his hair back from his face, my arm around his waist, and our hips touching as we walked. His eyes darted everywhere, checking across quadrangles, down corridors and up staircases. He was tense, fearful of encountering students, I supposed, obviously unused to any public display of human feeling yet keen nevertheless to make the effort in my case. However, we encountered no-one on the way to see Professor Sprout. The cloisters were cool and peaceful, the only sound made by our echoing footsteps. I felt so at home here, I thought, resting my head against him.

"It'll be the summer holidays soon." I mused. "The whole school will be silent, just like this."

"I can't wait," he replied dryly, darting a glance at me. Our baby would be born then, I thought, and I shivered deliciously and snuggled a little closer to him as we walked, delighting in his strength and his nearness.

Professor Sprout was in the largest of the greenhouses and I sat down on a stool while she and Severus discussed the mandrake leaves. It was still quite warm, and the air in the greenhouse was stifling, making my head feel heavy and dulling my senses, so after a while I decided to wait outside. I leaned against the cool stone of the perimeter wall, grateful for its solidity and its shade, and Severus came out shortly after, having reached an agreement with Professor Sprout about the best course of action to take with the mandrake leaves so that we could continue our walk. 

Passing through a small archway on to the side lawns, we made for Godric's Seat. The lawns at the side of the castle started at the castle's outer wall, atop a rocky outcrop with a precipitous fall to the lake below, and from there swept down gradually to meet the water, ending in bullrushes and a marshiness underfoot which was quite dangerous for the unwary.

Godric's Seat was about halfway up the incline. Legend had it that the founder himself had sat in it every morning to watch the sun rise. Nowadays, it was a popular place for romantic assignations, although tonight it was deserted.

"I've never sat here before," said Severus, sitting up straight beside me. "I usually only come here to take house points from canoodling students."

I laughed and took his hand in mine.

"And are you up to a bit of canoodling yourself tonight, Professor?"

He gave me a sideways glance.

"That depends. Are you going to tell me what Black meant at dinner? Hills and storms? What did you do with him when you were both – over there?" he said, a distinct note of jealousy in his tone. 

I had known he would ask me this eventually, even without Sirius' slip of the tongue at dinner, and I wondered exactly how much to tell him. All would be, of course, far too much, but Severus was far from stupid and if I hid too much he would just be suspicious and even more resentful of Sirius. Eventually, I simply said,

"We went out in a horse and cart, explored the countryside. One day we climbed a hill and got caught in the rain. It came out of nowhere. I'd been puffing and panting up the hill, it was steeper than I'd thought. That's all." 

"You were alone? With him?"

"Well, yes."

"How often?"

"Er…well, quite often, really. Every day he was there."

Severus' face darkened and he scowled across to the mountains beyond the lake.

"He likes you. Always has. Did he _flirt_ with you?"

"He helped me. He cheered me up, and most importantly, he made me see sense over _you_! He brought me back to _you_, Severus."

Severus leant back against the stone of the Seat and looked at me.

"Yes, I know he did. It's just – I don't like the fact that he's always had such an easy way with you. Intimate." He lifted his chin up and looked at me appraisingly.

"No, not intimate! Friendly! _This_ is intimate…" I finished, slipping my arms around his neck and splaying out my hand underneath his hair as I pulled his head down to meet mine in a gentle kiss. "And this…" I whispered, taking his hand and putting it on my breast, moaning as he stroked it and then drew me to him, our kiss deepening as his body moulded itself to mine.

"No-one's like you…" I breathed into his hair as he kissed my ear and my neck hungrily, making me tingle with anticipation. "No-one even comes close, it's _always_ been you. Oh, let's go back now, Severus."

"By way of the rose garden? To admire the pretty flowers?" he murmured teasingly down my ear as his hot breath tickled my neck, sending a quivering sensation down to the small of my back.

"By way of the shortest route possible, you beast!" I growled as he chuckled throatily, moving my hand from his knee, upwards. I stroked him firmly, and he gasped.

"Take me to bed, Severus. Now."

"My, you _are_ being assertive tonight, aren't you? A more suspicious mind than mine might think you were trying to keep something from me…"

"There _are_ no more suspicious minds than yours, Severus!"

We stood up unsteadily, and began to make our way back to the school. As soon as we were inside I began to run my hand up and down his back as we walked, something he found very disconcerting, especially as I accompanied it with frequent comments of

"I want you. I want to make love to you," and "I'm going to kiss every inch of you. I need to feel you inside me."

After a while Severus, who had been shooting me smouldering glances, could take no more, and he stopped, taking both my shoulders and pinning me against the wall of the corridor leading to the dungeons. I could feel his arousal pressing against my stomach as he spoke.

"There are people around, Ella! Anyone could hear you!"

"I can't see anyone but us," I answered innocently.

"Well," he spluttered, "Do you _want_ me to be spent before we even get back?"

"Ah, so you _do_ like it when I 'talk too much'!" I purred lasciviously. He gave me a long, calculating look, and his mouth twitched slightly at the corners. I could almost see inside his head, and wondered what would be his next move.

Suddenly straightening up and adjusting his frock coat, he said shortly,

"Come on! What are we standing around here for?" striding off and pulling me along by the hand behind him. I stumbled after him, trying to match his long strides and failing miserably, finally giving up and taking three hurried steps for each one of his.

"Severus, I can't keep up!" I complained.

"Good, you won't try to talk at the same time, then, will you?" he retorted smugly.

"Why do you have to spoil my fun…this isn't _fair_!" I muttered, and heard him laugh softly.

When we reached his rooms I was out of breath and had a stitch in my side. Clutching myself, I swore at him under my breath as he locked the door behind us. He came up behind me, concerned now, and said,

"Are you alright?"

"No!" I snapped. "Ouch!"

He looked at me with ostentatious sympathy and said,

"Now, you see, this is _exactly_ why you need to think long and hard about the Quidditch match on Saturday."

"Why, in case some evil git makes me _run_ up the wretched stairs?"

Struggling to keep an unconvincing semblance of innocence on his face, he held out his arms and shrugged,

"I can't imagine who you mean!"

"Just get rid of this stitch for me, can't you?" I grumbled as he took me in his arms, laughing, and began to rub my side gently until I relaxed against him, sighing contentedly.

"Mmm…that's better," I yawned, and buried my face in him, enjoying the sensation of his long, sensitive fingers as they massaged me. "Oh, who taught you to _do_ this? It feels wonderful…"

"Erm…Ella?" he asked.

"Mmm?"

"We're here now…" he cajoled, nuzzling into my hair, "…and you _did_ drive me to distraction all the way here…"

"And you did _drag_ me along and make me strain myself!"

"Well, now _I'm_ straining! Down here!" he murmured, unbuttoning my clothing deftly.

A few moments later we were blissfully entwined on the bed, and his mouth and his hands were all over me.

                    ************************************************************

A week passed. At last the NEWTS were over and Severus no longer needed to split his time between his students and me. I did not mind our enforced separation whist he took his classes, since I had plenty of things with which to keep myself occupied; writing to Madame Maxime, helping Hermione with her studies, attending the Infirmary for regular checks with Poppy Pomfrey, to whom I had begun to feel quite close, and, of course, daydreaming about the baby and about Severus. 

Severus, for his part, had found it most frustrating. When we were together, his attentiveness was so intense that it overwhelmed me, but although he was dedicated in his determination that all of his students perform to the best of their potential, he fretted when we were apart and insisted on knowing my every move and where I was at all times.

 I rejoiced in his devotion and saw nothing oppressive in it. After all, I was in the enviable position of knowing exactly where he would be when he was not with me, and could watch him in the emerald whenever I liked, and I felt safe in such certainty. Having put him through everything that I had, I could easily understand his fear of losing me, unlikely as that was.

Stretching languorously as I awoke one morning, I smiled as I felt strong arms tighten around my stomach and thighs. Severus had moved down the bed so that his cheek was pressed against my belly, and he was snoring softly. So caught up in the joy of being reunited, we had spoken only briefly of his impending fatherhood, but his behaviour and his attitude spoke volumes and I knew that he was eagerly anticipating the first week in August.

I knew that I would be unable to extricate myself from his close embrace without disturbing him, so I ran my hand through his hair and said gently,

"Severus? I need to get up, love."

"Mmph? Oh." Sleepily, he looked up at me and loosened his grip. I moved down the bed and smoothed his sleep-tousled hair from his face before kissing him tenderly.

By the time I returned from the bathroom he had moved back up the bed and he now lay sprawled across it on his stomach, with his face buried in my pillow. He was asleep again, and I climbed back into bed and stretched out beside him, my arm around his waist and my cheek resting on the satin-smooth pillow of his back.

There wouldn't be many more lazy mornings like this, I thought, almost sadly. At least, not unless we woke earlier than the baby, which seemed unlikely, since neither Severus nor myself could by any stretch of the imagination be considered morning people. I sighed and let the arm around his waist trail lower until my hand brushed the dark thatch below his abdomen. I ran my fingers through it and then let my hand creep lower until it curled around his semi-quiescent member. It soon sprang to life in my hand and I chuckled softly as I scraped along its shaft with my nails. 

Grunting, Severus rolled over to face me, finding my lips for a sleepy kiss even though his eyes were still closed. I pushed him onto his back then, and straddled him. His eyes opened drowsily and a slow smile spread across his face as I lowered myself on to him.

"Good morning!" I said as he filled me, gasping his delight. He took my hips in his hands and positioned me so that he could thrust into me more deeply, before moving his hands to caress my full breasts. I rocked up and down on him, responding to his touch and to the look on his face, until I could take no more and leant down over him so that my hands were either side of his head, and my hair was brushing his chest and his face. The sensations were incredible, and he began to breathe my name, and stroke my back, which was enough to send me over the edge, my internal muscles contracting around him, holding him deep inside me, where he belonged, triggering his own release.

Afterwards I lay across him, breathless, watching his chest rise and fall. Eventually he shifted me off him so that he could lie facing me, and he began to stroke my belly, as he so often did now. He searched deep into my eyes, and smiled as the baby began to respond to his touch.

"You really, really want this, don't you?" I asked softly as I traced his lips with my fingertips.

"Yes…" he murmured, hypnotising me with the intensity of his gaze.

"I'm sorry I shut you out for so long."

"It's all in the past now. And _we_ have to think about the _future_."

He kissed me then, and I forgot to wonder what he meant because his lips were so soft, so pliant, so demanding, and he tasted so sweet. When he released me at last I felt giddy and drunk on him, and I sighed sadly as he got out of bed and padded into the bathroom. As soon as I heard the sound of the shower, I followed him.

I watched him for a while as he stood under the pulsing jets of water, his arms raised over his head as he washed his hair. Sneaking in behind him I put my arms around his waist. 

"_You_ took your time!" he complained, and he turned and held me, the water coursing down over us, making my body slide against his deliciously. He muttered a charm,

"Aqua savonis!" and soapy water began to gush from the shower heads, so that all we needed to do was stand there and run our hands over one another's bodies.

"This is a very nice way to shower," I murmured against his lips as his hands massaged my breasts and ran up and down my back.

"Well, I think I need to pamper you…" he replied, kneeling at my feet and directing his attention to more intimate areas of my body.

"Ah!" I gasped as his nose nuzzled me, and I reached out reflexively to try to gain purchase on the slippery walls of the shower cubicle, fearing I would lose my footing. I muttered a charm,

"Aqua claris!" so that Severus wouldn't get soap in his mouth, and he chuckled and said,

"Pendulacorpus!"

I felt my arms and back pinned to the walls of the shower, so that I could not fall, and Severus looked up at me intently before burying his nose in my hair once more. I cried out as I felt his tongue, hot and insistent, begin to lick me up and down, darting in between my glistening lips and circling the centre of my pleasure insistently, unbearably. I wanted to tangle my fingers in his hair and press his face into me, and I gasped out,

"Severus! Let me go! Oh, love! Oh, please! I need – I need to – Ah!"

Severus shook his head violently from side to side, refusing, while his mouth continued its diligent work and his tongue insinuated itself inside me. This together with the unexpected stimulation of his large nose against me set me screaming as I climaxed, writhing uncontrollably, still pinned to the wall. At last, he lifted his head and looked up at me, self-satisfaction on his face as he smoothed back his dripping hair.

"I love to hear you scream my name," he smirked, releasing me from the charm so that I could slide slowly down the wall and into his waiting arms, where I curled up and cried with emotion. Kissing my hair, he rocked me until I had calmed down, holding me as the water coursed over us, keeping us warm. 

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	36. I Need To Be Right By Your Side

**Author's Note**

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I just wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to review me thus far, your support means a great deal to me.  I'd like to make particular mention of several of my reviewers whose work I follow avidly, namely these; Gwenn, Superwitch (the Elrin one!) The Stars Hold Nine Serpents, White Raven and of course the inestimable Veresna! They are well worth a read!

And I know that this story enjoys hundreds of regular readers who don't review…I'd love to hear from you too!

I feel I should stop to mention something at this point. I am aware that Severus and Ella appear to be cruising along very nicely at the moment, and nothing much seems to be happening. Please be assured that the plot is advancing, by degrees…I just wanted to slow down the pace a little, and enjoy the intimate minutiae of their relationship. In a little while, I will up the ante a touch. And I do hope my Severus isn't too soft for you…but this is the way I, personally, believe he would behave, if he fell in love. So there!

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**Chapter 38**

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I Need To be Right By Your Side

And so, at last, the final weekend before the end of term arrived. The Quidditch final was due to start at ten o'clock that fine Saturday morning, so after breakfast the entire school began to make its way down to the Quidditch pitch. The midsummer sun was frequently obscured by thick white clouds, which made their way in a sedate procession across an azure sky, and I was relieved that they would provide some shade, since there was none in the stands.

Severus fought the urge to stride on ahead of me, slowing his pace considerably in order not to leave me miles behind.

"What on _earth_ am I going to be like in a few weeks' time?" I complained loudly.

"You probably won't be able to walk at all," he commented dryly, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly as I shot him a dark look. "I should have brought my broom, you could have flown to the staff stand in style!"

"Hah! Not a chance! You won't see _me_ on a broom again in a hurry!"

"Why ever not? What's wrong with brooms? Is this some strange quirk of character that's only revealing itself to me by degrees? Do you object to _all_ magical modes of transportation on principle, is that it? Or do you have good reason?"

"I _always_ have good reason!" I objected. "I just...well, the last time I was on a broom it nearly tipped me into a dormant volcano!"

"_What_?" He stopped in his tracks and stared at me incredulously.

"Oh, long story, never mind. It was an old broom, my charm went wrong, that's all."

Severus shook his head in resigned disbelief and we soldiered on.

"Morning, you two!" Sirius said as he bounded up behind us.

"Hello, Sirius!" I smiled. Severus inclined his head stiffly and then, making a supreme effort, which nevertheless came out as sarcastic and accusatory, said,

"We missed you at breakfast, Black, where were you?"

"Oh, I had a heavy night last night. Ended up taking a room at the Three Broomsticks rather than crawl all the way back here," Sirius replied happily, obviously not taking offence.

"Do we know the lady?" Severus asked archly.

I looked at him in shock, but Sirius simply laughed and said,

"I don't know what you mean, Snape!"

"Neither do I, Severus!" I admonished, but he simply raised his eyebrows and slipped his arm around my shoulders proprietarily.

We were soon joined by Remus, and together the four of us ascended the narrow wooden stairs up to the teachers' stand. The stitch in my side had come back by the time I reached the top, and I was hot and thirsty. I leaned against Severus thankfully, the musky, herbal scent of his frock coat contrasting incongruously with the fresh, floral fragrances wafting our way from the flower filled meadows off towards Hogsmeade, and he rubbed my side as he had done before. I breathed deeply of him, happily enveloped in him while he murmured softly into my hair in a mellifluous baritone that almost drove me to my knees,

"I _knew_ this would happen..."

"And you're always right, I suppose."

"I'm glad we understand each other..."

"Arrogance personified, aren't you?" I teased.

"Here, Ella, I brought a drink this time!" said Sirius, handing me a flask of ice-cold pumpkin juice. I accepted it gratefully and we took our seats as the two teams flew around the stadium and then took their starting positions. The view was as spectacular as always, I thought. The mountains, the lake and the grey splendour of the castle as it rose from both. I sighed happily, and leaned into Severus as he took my hand.

The match was fast, furious and enthralling. The teams were very closely matched, and the score after an hour of play was one hundred and twenty points each. However, after a while I began to fidget and wriggle in my seat, and arch my back, which was beginning to ache after sitting still on a hard wooden bench for so long.

"Are you alright?" Severus asked solicitously.

"Backache," I replied, grimacing.

"Here, let me help," he said, releasing my hand and shifting in his seat so that he could slip his arm behind me. Using the flat and the heel of his hand, he rubbed the small of my back firmly, relaxing me instantly. I looked up at him, smiling blissfully,

"That feels wonderful, Severus!"

He smiled briefly, then glanced back at the pitch and said,

"Look, there's the Snitch!" 

I followed his gaze and saw Harry shooting after the Snitch, which gleamed in the sunlight.

"About time, too!" I said, and then started to moan with pleasure as Severus' magic fingers eased my backache. "Mmm, Severus...ooh, don't stop! _Aah_..."

"Do you _have_ to groan like that?" he murmured into my ear.

"Aah..."

"Only, it's very much like the sound you make when...well, people will wonder what I'm doing to you..."

"Oh, don't be such a killjoy!" I replied, putting my hand on his knee. "People can see your other hand, what's the problem?"

"Ella, I'm shocked!"

"Just keep on doing it, it feels _so_ good!"

"Alright, as long as you want."

"Well, the next six weeks, for starters!"

"Hmm. How about the next six years?"

"Mmm, aah, whatever...a bit lower - oh, _yes_, that's it!"

"As you wish. How about - er - how about for - for all our lives?"

"Sounds better all the time!" I laughed.

His next words were indistinct because Ravenclaw had just scored again and the crowd was on its feet cheering.

"What?" I asked him.

"I said - all our _married_ lives?"

He stopped rubbing, and waited. Slowly, I turned to face him, not daring to believe my ears. The roar of the spectators was a distant buzzing in my ears and all that my reeling mind could adequately process now was the look on his face. I could see anxiety half hidden below the shifting darkness of his gaze, and in spite of his efforts at concealment he looked more vulnerable than I had ever seen him. As I searched further below the surface I could see abject terror that I would turn him down. He raised his eyebrows enquiringly and, as I gaped at him in stunned silence, he continued,

"I know it's probably not the most articulate or romantic proposal of marriage you've ever heard, but...will you? Perhaps?"

My heart flipped over then, and the rest of the world disappeared as my brain finally shifted into gear and I gasped,

"Yes! Oh! _Yes_!"

I think Harry must have caught the Golden Snitch then, but I didn't notice because Severus and I were wrapped up and lost in one another's eyes, oblivious.

Eventually we realised that everyone around us was getting ready to leave. Remus touched my arm and I managed to tear my gaze from Severus' face long enough to beam at him quickly. He was grinning broadly, and asked,

"Is there something you two want to tell me?"

"Later, Lupin," answered Severus faintly in my stead, never taking his eyes from me. "We'll be along in a little while."

His rich, deep, wondering voice thrilled me and I pressed my hand to his cheek. He covered it with his own, kissing my palm in an unselfconsciously intimate gesture.

Remus clapped him on the shoulder, and left us alone, saying,

"Oh, by the way, in case you're interested - Gryffindor won by one hundred and forty points!"

"Oh well," I said to Severus dreamily, winding my arms around his neck now that we were alone and unobserved at last, "at least there's _one_ happy Ravenclaw here today..."

"And are you happy? Do I _really_ make you happy?"

I climbed on to his lap then, straddling him to be as close to him as I could be, and we kissed, a sweet, tender, lingering kiss that made the small of my back tingle unbearably and which I hoped answered his question.

"Severus, are _you_ sure?"

"You keep asking me that, love! When have you ever known me to prevaricate?"

"Never..."

"Are _you_ sure? Because, you know, once we're married, that's it - I'll never, _ever_ let you go!"

"Oh, Severus..." I said faintly as his eyes pierced into me and I melted into his embrace.

"We'd better get back," Severus said at last, pulling apart from me at last and fixing me with his gaze. I tightened my grip around his neck and complained,

"Oh, not yet. This is nice..."
    
     He continued pointedly,

"Much as I am enjoying this moment, you are getting rather heavy and besides, it'll probably take you half the afternoon to walk back up to the school."

I snorted in mock indignation and got to my feet, unwilling either to admit or deny that, once again, he was right, and we made our way to the stairs.

"Here, let me go first," Severus insisted. "That way, if you trip, I'll break your fall."

"Oh, Severus, that's so chivalrous!"                

"I'm just being practical," he shrugged. "You aren't the most surefooted person I've ever met!"

"Honestly, I trip just once and I'm never allowed to forget it!" I complained. "And anyway, if I _hadn't _tripped over that root and been bitten by that snake, we might not be here together now!"

Severus turned to me, eyebrows raised, and said,

"Was I complaining? I was just making an observation, that's all. Now, mind your step!"

We walked hand in hand back up to the school and decided to go to my rooms, since they were closest. I flopped on to the bed and groaned. Severus sat next to me and took my hand in his, saying

"Wait here, and have a rest. I'll be back soon."

"Where are you going?"

"Just back to the dungeons. I won't be long. And then we'll need to tell the Headmaster our news."

I smiled happily and reached up to caress his cheek as he gazed down at me.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he already knew. Or if he's known all along!"

Severus leaned over me to kiss me lovingly, then left me alone to sleep.

After a twenty-minute nap I was fully refreshed, and by the time I had finished my shower, Severus was back. He sat in the armchair by my window watching me as I dressed, his legs crossed and his elbow leaning on the arm of the chair so that his hand, fingers curled, could provide a casual rest for his chin.

"The Headmaster is expecting us later," he announced, his eyes travelling up and down my body as if hypnotised as I slipped on a turquoise dress of floaty Indian cotton. "But first I need to say something - will you put the hairbrush down now, please?"

I complied wryly, shaking out my hair, and turned to give him my full attention.

"Ella, I've loved you since - well, not since I first laid eyes on you, but for a very long time."

"Since when, then?" I enquired, sitting on the floor at his feet and crossing my arms on his legs.

"What?" he replied, distracted by my question.

"When did you start to love me?"

"It doesn't matter, it was a very - "

"Yes it does, I want to know."

"Oh, well, alright, I suppose it was - when you sat at my feet by the fire that night, and rested your head on my knee."

"And here I am again!"

"Er...yes. Indeed."

"And you didn't start to love me until then? Oh..."

"Anyway, the point is..." he continued irritably, "...what do you _mean_, 'didn't start to love you until then'? When did you start loving _me_?"

"Oh, after that first evening in your office, working together. That's when the instant lust became love, I think."

"Oh..." he remembered, frowning as he rose to his feet and helped me to mine. "Ella, _do_ stop getting me sidetracked, this is important!"

"Sorry..." I murmured, sitting in the chair myself now since he had indicated for me to do so.

"Anyway...I've tried living without you and quite evidently it doesn't work, and I never want to be in such an untenable position again. I want you to stay with me for the rest of my life, and I swear I'll spend all that time endeavouring to make you happy. So, that said," he continued, taking a deep breath and dropping to his knees in front of me, "will you marry me?"

I fought back the almost irresistible urge to ask him whether Sybill Trelawney had been giving him lessons in traditional romantic gestures, and as I looked into his eyes I was glad I had bitten my tongue, because of the obvious sincerity I found there. Furthermore, he then proceeded to withdraw a small green velveteen box from his robes and press it into my hands, which I found were shaking.

If his first proposal had left me weak at the knees and breathless, it was nothing compared to the way I felt as he opened the box and slipped the ring inside it onto the third finger of my left hand. A warm glow suffused the stone, a flawless emerald, the smaller twin of my pendant, which was surrounded by sixteen sparkling diamonds, and the glow spread from my finger to my hand and up my arm, until my entire body felt warm, tingling, and cocooned in his love.

"You've enchanted this!" I said faintly.

"I breathed my love into it," he admitted, dropping my hand then to take my face in his hands as he leaned over to claim my lips with his. The contact made me shudder, the sensations overwhelming me.

"Oh, Severus!" I breathed when he released me, barely able to speak. "Will the ring always make me feel like this?"

"I hope so," he smiled, "but don't worry, I dare say you'll get used to it! I assume your answer is still yes?" he added as a suddenly uncertain afterthought.

"Of course! And if you made love to me now? Would I be able to bear it?"

He stroked my cheeks tenderly with his thumbs.

"Let's find out, shall we?"

Dropping one hand from my face in order to withdraw his wand, he murmured

"Divestio!" and our clothes vanished, to reappear in a neatly folded pile on the other side of the room. I trembled as I looked at him, at his beloved face, lined and careworn and glowing with love, his shiny blue-black hair, his strong alabaster shoulders and chest, and beyond. The familiar tugging in my loins was intensified tenfold, and as his hand cupped my breast and stroked my nipple, I sobbed with love for him. I was drowning in his fathomless gaze again, and I had to circle my arms around his neck and pull him to me so that I could bury my face in his soft hair, unable to bear any longer the joy given me by the love in his eyes.

He embraced me, running his hands up and down my back. Each finger touch, each feather-light stroke, sent shivers racing along my spine, and I clung to him tightly, drawing him even closer. He knelt between my legs now, and I gripped him between my thighs, feeling his hard manhood pushing insistently at my desperately sensitive folds. I moaned in ecstasy, my every nerve ending screaming out for him. He put his hands on my buttocks and gently pulled me towards him and onto his waiting member. I shuddered and threw back my head as he entered me, aware of every inch of his flesh as he joined with every inch of mine, feeling him stretch me, feeling myself accept him, draw him in further, hold him there. 

Now I was tingling inside as well as out, and as he began to rock himself slowly backwards and forwards I wondered how much more I could bear. He held me tenderly and then pressed his hand into the small of my back, indicating that he wanted me to release my hold around his neck. I arched my back, throwing back my head once more and freeing him so that his burning lips could scour my flesh, down to my hardened nipples, which had been begging for his touch. As soon as he began to stroke and lick them I was transported to a whole new level of sensation, and I knew I could take no more. 

I was on fire, consumed by him, incandescent, the flame of my love for him burning brighter than ever before with the knowledge that he had now pledged to be mine, and mine alone, for the rest of our lives. 

Remembering his words, and the look on his face as he had proposed, both times, was all I now needed to complete my bliss, and I clutched his head to my chest once more, grinding my hips into his and screaming out his name until I could scream no more, feeling his hot seed burning inside me, and bursting into tears as he held me in our afterglow. 

Wrapped around him still, we whispered of our love into one another's' hair, then he helped me to my feet and led me over to the bed. Climbing in gratefully I held out my arms to him and we lay together on our backs, our legs entwined, watching the clouds scud across the sky.

Eventually I broke the silence.

"Severus..." I asked, gazing up at him, "...what magic was that? It was even more incredible than usual."

He smiled, and shifted so that he could look down at me. Stroking my cheek with his fingertips, then my ear, then tracing the line of my eyebrows, he said softly,

"What magic? I didn't use any magic. Not in the sense you mean, anyway."

"Well, what, then? You enchanted the ring, you said."

"_You_ said," he corrected gently. "_I_ said that I breathed my love into it. And so I did, in a manner of speaking. I didn't use _magic_ on it."

"Oh..." I said faintly. "So everything I felt was real...oh, Severus, I love you, I love you so much!"

I kissed his lips, which were drawn back from his teeth in an exultant smile, and he said,

"I know!"

The ring felt very heavy on my finger as Severus and I made our way to Dumbledore's office, and I kept holding my hand up in front of me, turning it from side to side, the better to admire it. Severus stole frequent glances at me, indulgence in his eyes, and I spluttered with mirth as he uttered the new password, "Love Hearts!" that enabled us to ascend the spiral staircase to the Headmaster's office.

We entered Dumbledore's office trying not to smile too widely, and Severus released my hand in the interests of decorum.

"Ah, Severus, Ella, come in, come in!"

Our smiles faded as we saw the expression on the Headmaster's face, and Severus said,

"Headmaster?"

"Ah, I'm afraid I have some news which may trouble you somewhat."

Severus and I looked at one another, perplexed.

"What is it?"

"Rita Skeeter"

"What about her?" I asked as Severus expostulated,

"Damn that woman! What's she done now?"

"Nothing as yet," replied Dumbledore calmly, "but I fear there will be some choice gossip in Monday's Daily Prophet. I thought it only fair to warn you both."

"Yes, but what's going on?"

Severus glanced at me but didn't answer, asking instead,

"Was she here at Hogwarts?"

"At the Quidditch match today, yes. She was in disguise."

"As a beetle, no doubt?"

Dumbledore nodded.

"But she was seen?"

"Professor Sinistra swatted her, then recognised her distinctive carapace. But it was too late to apprehend her."

"Sinistra was sitting at the back of our stand, wasn't she?"

"Yes, I believe she was. She - ah - was in a position to hear everything, and I believe she will have got quite a scoop?"

His eyes twinkled then and he smiled at us both questioningly. Severus' harsh frown softened then and he said,

"Yes, Albus, Ella has accepted my proposal of marriage."

"Splendid, splendid! Congratulations to you both!"

"Thank you, Headmaster," I said, trying, and failing, to sound gracious, "but will somebody _please_ tell me how on earth Rita Skeeter got into Hogwarts in the first place?"

"She's an unregistered Animagus. Or at least, she was. The Ministry of Magic has been trying for the last three years to get her registered. She isn't supposed to transform until she does. And I take it you _do_ remember who she is?"

I glanced between Severus and Dumbledore and muttered darkly,

"She's that reporter from the Daily Prophet. She was responsible for that other little scoop about us, wasn't she?"

"Yes, she specialises in half-truths, exaggeration and scurrilous lies!" Severus explained, his hands on my shoulders as he looked down at me. "So whatever she saw or heard, she'll twist it into something unrecognisable, and the entire wizarding community will read it and be only too happy to believe it."

"I don't care!" I said defiantly. "Nothing can spoil today for me."

"It's the day after tomorrow that concerns me..." muttered Severus darkly.

"I take it you won't want the school to find out about your engagement by means of the gutter press on Monday morning, so may I suggest that an announcement at dinner tomorrow might be in order?" suggested the Headmaster. "I am sure that the entire school will wish to offer its congratulations."

Characteristically, Severus looked sick at the thought of yet another public ordeal, but I hugged him, saying lightly,

"Never mind. 'A moment of pain, a lifetime of gain'! Or so they say."

"Hah!"

He raised his eyes skyward and shook his head, smiling down at me ruefully.

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	37. Lazing On A Sunny Afternoon

A/N

Thanks to everyone who reviewed my last chapter! I really appreciate everyone's feedback, please keep it coming!

I hope you like this chapter. Severus and Ella each make the other do something they would not normally do, with unexpectedly enjoyable results!

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**Chapter 39__**

**_Lazing On A Sunny Afternoon_**

When I awoke the next morning Severus was pressed tightly against my back with his arm firmly around my waist and cupping one breast. I leaned back into him contentedly and he responded in his sleep by sighing heavily into my ear, his hot breath tickling my neck. The sunlight was already streaming through the window, the tiny panes of leaded glass diffracting it in places so that rainbow colours danced on the sheets as I moved. I whiled away several minutes watching them, idly playing with the sheets, then I held up my left hand so that the light reflected on to the stones in my ring. After a while the insistent pressure of the baby on my bladder forced me to get up, and I carefully picked up Severus' arm and placed it gently behind me, before slowly climbing out of bed.

My morning ablutions complete, I dressed silently in the coolest dress I could find, most of my belongings still being in my own rooms, and I opened the door into Severus' office. Closing it shut quietly behind me, I clapped my hands to summon a house elf. It was Winky, and I asked her to prepare a picnic for two. That done, I went over to Severus' small round desk and noted with satisfaction that all the scrolls there had been marked and placed in a neat pile, ready to be returned to the students.

"Good," I smiled to myself, "Those are the last exam papers of the year, so he won't have an excuse to say no!"

Satisfied, I went back into the bedroom. Severus was sitting up in bed looking sleep-dishevelled and irritated, and was surprised to see me enter.

"What're you doing? Why were you out there?" he demanded.

"I was talking to Winky, I didn't want to wake you!" I said cheerfully, crossing over to him and clambering back on to the bed.

"You're up to something, aren't you?" he asked suspiciously. "I can tell..."

Running my hand gently up and down his thigh, I said casually,

"It's such a lovely day, I thought we might have a stroll, take a picnic..."

"A stroll? _You_?" he replied, his eyes widening in amused surprise. "What, exactly, constitutes a 'stroll' for you these days? Or were you thinking we could have a picnic at the end of the corridor?"

I slapped him playfully and said,

"I think I can manage to go a _little_ bit further than that! Say, to the oak tree at the end of the herb walk? It's very peaceful there, and shaded..."

"Another lovers' hideaway!" he commented sardonically. "Let's see, the NEWTS are over, it's a Sunday, and it's hot - oh yes, it'll be _totally_ secluded, apart from about two dozen sixth and seventh year couples with raging hormones and chronic acne!"

"Well, you can scare them all off, then, can't you?" I replied, exasperated.

"I might have some work to do..."

"Your marking's all up to date." He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "I just checked. And anyway, you've obviously forgotten that it's the last Hogsmeade weekend of the year. There'll be nobody around. All _you'll_ have to do is relax."

He forced a tight-lipped smile and held his hands up.

"Very well, you win. _This_ time." He reached out to pull me towards him for a kiss, one hand cupping the side of my head, under my hair, and the other resting on my belly.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather stay here?" he murmured.

"Well, we _do_ have all day," I smiled, slipping my hand underneath the sheets and finding my quarry more than ready for me.

By the time we reached the oak tree it was nearly lunchtime, and the sun was beating down on us mercilessly. I had persuaded Severus to leave his frock coat and robes behind, so all that he wore was black jeans and a white cotton shirt. The top three buttons were undone, but his sleeves remained fastened by way of eight buttons on each cuff. He looked devastatingly sexy, I thought, stealing glances at him as I walked alongside him, like a romantic hero from a Muggle novel. He kept looking up at the sky, then down at me, perplexed.

"What's wrong, Severus?"

"You should have worn a sun hat. You'll get too hot. I can conjure one..."

"I don't need a hat. Not with all this hair. I'd boil!"

"Well, you look too hot."

"I _am_ too hot."

"We shouldn't have come..."

"Yes we should! Look, there it is, see how cool and shady it looks!"

At last we were there and Severus unfolded a large tartan blanket. I lowered myself on to it with a sigh of relief, and he handed me a flask of pumpkin juice from the picnic basket. Sitting down beside me and folding his long legs until he was sitting cross-legged, he looked around suspiciously.

"There doesn't seem to be anyone about..."

"Told you they'd all be in Hogsmeade," I said happily.

"Hmm."

"Of course, Hermione said she and Remus might not go, when I told her I planned to come here with you."

He looked at me sharply.

"Hermione and Remus." he said flatly. I nodded. "Might come here instead. To be with us."

"For a while."

"Did you set this up?"

"Would you mind if I had?"

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"Hah!"

"No, really, why?"

"Because I'd rather be _alone_ with you, of course!"

"You are such an old romantic!" I laughed, pushing him back so that he was lying on his back and I was lying over him. His lips soon responded to my kiss and he held me tightly, flicking his tongue into my mouth and moaning softly as I sucked it gently. At length he pulled away and replied, good-naturedly now,

"No, I'm not! I just want you all to myself, that's all"

"Well, it'll be nice to be a real couple, and spend time with another real couple."

"Look at us, look at _you_, how much more _real_ does it get?" he replied. "And you're making it sound like a - - 'double date', and that's just unbearably twee, Ella, it's not on!"

"Are you really angry with me?"

He sighed and took a bunch of my hair in each of his hands, pulling it to the back of my head and twisting it round itself, so that it stayed off my face.

"I don't know why, but no, I'm not. I think you'd know about it if I was! No, you've done far worse. But you're so _scheming_! You should have been a Slytherin."

"Eighteen months ago I would have been mortally offended if you'd said that!"

"Well, then, there's hope for you yet..."

"Mmm…" I sighed as his hands ran up and down my back and we kissed once more.

We were so wrapped up in one another as we embraced that we didn't notice the huge black dog approach, so when we heard its soft

"Woof!" we started in surprise, sitting up hurriedly to find it panting at the edge of the blanket, its tail wagging furiously.

"Padfoot!" I said reproachfully as Severus tried to compose his dishevelled features. The dog gave a joyful bark and ran off, much to Severus' disgust.

"Bloody show-off!" he snarled, grumpily straightening his hair.

A few moments later, Sirius was back, in human form this time, with Remus and Hermione.

"Hello! Lovely day!" smiled Remus, whose arm was draped casually over Hermione's shoulders. She looked radiant and beamed at us happily.

"Oh, fancy seeing _you_ here!" answered Severus sarcastically.

Remus set down a huge picnic basket and laid out another blanket, next to ours, while Sirius said,

"Well, I'm off then!"

"Oh dear, aren't you staying, Black?" Severus asked in mock disappointment

"No, I only came along for the walk - and to do a recce, to make sure Hermione and Remus didn't, er, interrupt anything!"

The outraged expression on Severus' face was priceless and I had to hide my smile by turning away.

After Sirius had gone, Severus gave me a dark look before setting about transfiguring some napkins into cushions. Placing these at the base of the tree under which we sat, he leaned back against its trunk and said in a seductively low voice,

"Come here."

He looked at me intently, holding out his hand, and opened his long legs so that I could crawl between them. Leaning back against him and resting my head under his chin, I sighed happily. He put his right arm around my neck and stroked my left shoulder, then moved it down so that it was resting on my tummy while his left hand played with my hair. His left knee was raised and I snaked my arm underneath his thigh, embracing it.

"Mmm, this is nice..." I murmured, and he kissed my hair, nuzzling, before leaning back and closing his eyes.

I looked across to Hermione, who was sitting cross-legged beside Remus, stretched out on his front. She was running her fingers through his hair, a soft smile on her face. She looked up and caught my eye, and understanding passed between us as we smiled happily.

"Have you been here long?" she asked.

"Half an hour or so, that's all," I replied languidly.

"It's been very peaceful!" muttered Severus, pointedly.

I pulled a long-suffering face at Hermione, and she grinned at me mischievously.

"Oh, Professor Snape?"

"Yes, Miss Granger?"

"I was wondering...since we're all 'off duty', and since I'll be graduating on Friday, and you won't be my teacher any more...would you call me Hermione?"

Severus lifted his head and looked across at her suspiciously before leaning back again and saying in a bored tone,

"Under the current circumstances...I would be...delighted. Hermione."

"Oh, good. And can I call you Severus?"

His head snapped up again and he began waspishly,

"I don't think..."

"I don't think Severus would mind _at all_, would you, love?" I interrupted as I elbowed him in the ribs. He looked down at me, lifting an eyebrow, and I smiled lovingly, reaching up to caress his cheek.

Frowning again, his only response was

"Hmph!" and he leaned back once more.

I grinned at Hermione and asked,

"What are your plans for the summer?"

Remus turned over on to his side and propped himself up on one elbow, smiling up at his girlfriend.

"Tell them your news, Hermione!"

"Well, I'm going home for a couple of weeks, and Remus is going to pop over to meet my parents, and then I'll be coming back here! I want to make sure I'm here when the baby comes, Ella!"

I felt Severus sigh, and groan resignedly.

"That's brilliant!" I enthused.

"Yes, and then next year I'm going to stay on at Hogwarts and specialise in Transfiguration and Charms! Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick are going to tutor me, and use me as their classroom assistant too! So, in effect, I won't be a student any more, I'll be on the staff!"

"Oh _no_..." exhaled Severus, but he began to caress my stomach tenderly and I knew that part of him was pleased, for my sake, that she would be around.

Remus slipped his arm around her waist as he sat up and said happily,

"It's great, isn't it?"

"Wonderful!" I said sincerely. "Isn't it, Severus?"

He was silent for a few seconds longer than was polite, and then commented peevishly,

"Why choose Transfiguration and Charms? Why not Potions?"

"Well, my skills lie in those areas, and..."

"Oh, rubbish, Miss Gra - er - Hermione!" You're one of the most skilled students I've had in years, you'll be wasting your talents!"

Hermione looked at him in disbelief.

"Oh! Professor, I didn't...oh!" She paused, flummoxed.

"At a loss for words? How novel!" Severus commented dryly.

"Well, it would have involved an awful lot of your time," she said, recovering herself slightly, "And you'll have other more pressing concerns by September...Severus," she finished.

"Hmm, that's true. But I still insist that you let me teach you how to make that Wolfsbane potion for your boyfriend. As you say, _I_ shall have better things to do."

"I'd love you to!"

Severus closed his eyes and settled down again, holding me closely and sighing. Hermione looked at me, shaking her head in disbelief, and I smiled, disentangling myself then from an uncooperative Severus, and sitting up to empty the picnic basket.

The house elves had provided us all with enough food to feed an entire classroom full of students, but Remus, at least, who was always ravenous, managed to do justice to it. Conversation centred mostly on Hermione's plans for the following year, and the Wolfsbane potion, and Severus became quite animated, and so involved that eventually he called her by her first name without even thinking about it, and even forgot to frown when she did the same.

Eventually, sated on conversation and good food, Severus and I relaxed against the tree once more, our positions reversed. I sank into the cushions, blissfully relaxed, and after a while he lay down next to me and rested his head in my lap. I was overwhelmed with happiness as I felt him slowly lose his self-consciousness at such a public display of intimacy, and he closed his eyes as I stroked his forehead, cheek and hair with my left hand, while my right slipped inside his open shirt and rested on his chest. He murmured softly as his baby shifted inside me against his cheek, stroking me tenderly, and eventually I felt his breathing become heavier as he dozed off.

Remus, too, was sleeping off his lunch, so Hermione came to sit beside me to admire my engagement ring, and we whispered over it together. After a while, the conversation had turned to our respective lovers and Hermione said,

"Doesn't Prof - I mean, Severus - doesn't he look different out of his robes?"

I sniggered, and she said,

"Oh, Ella, you know what I mean!"

"I suppose he does..."

"And, er, hasn't he got long legs?"

"Yes, I know!"

"He's like a different person, when he's with you, isn't he?"

"No, I don't think so. To me, he's always just the same...oh, Hermione, he _completes_ me, you know?"

"Are you talking again?" came a low voice, and Severus opened his eyes, looking at me questioningly.

"About you," I said dreamily as he sat up. One quick glance from him was enough to send Hermione back to Remus, with a laughing smile at us, and she settled down, resting her head on his stomach and closing her eyes contentedly.

Severus was still staring at me, and I reached out my hand to touch his lips.

"What is it?"

"You," he said, hypnotising me with his gaze. "I think I'd like us to be alone now."

He moved closer to me, on all fours, and moved in for a tender kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer still, and his shirt fell open so that I could look down and see his chest. I longed to run my hands over his bare flesh then, all of it, and I answered his kiss with one of my own, hungry for him.

"It'll take me ages to walk back..." I complained.

"We'd better set off now, then, hadn't we?"

Pulling me to my feet, Severus re-transfigured the cushions into napkins and packed up the picnic. As we turned to leave, he said "Bye, Lupin. Miss Granger." He looked at her meaningfully, and, understanding the need for formality for another week, she replied,

"See you later, Ella. Professor Snape."

Once we were out of earshot I pulled Severus to me and hugged him, feeling the warmth of his skin through the thin shirt.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?"

He looked down at me lovingly.

"I bore it."

"Oh Severus, you enjoyed it! I could tell!"

"In parts," he shrugged noncommittally. "Now come on!"

"What's the rush?" I asked slyly.

"I think you know very well."

"You were right, though. It was a long way to walk. I feel tired already. I'll be fit for nothing by the time we get back to the dungeons..."

He turned to me slowly and looked at me quizzically.

"Fortunate for you, then, that all I need you to do is lie there, then, isn't it?"

"Oh, really?" I smiled.

"Don't deny me, Ella!" he murmured in a low voice, taking my face in his hands and trying not to smile.

"I wouldn't dare...Professor..." I sighed, letting him walk me backwards until he had me pinned against the trunk of a small tree.

"Maybe I should just take you here..." he whispered, his eyes travelling all over my face.

"But Severus, those spotty, hormonal sixth and seventh years will be on their way back from Hogsmeade soon," I teased. "We could be seen!"
    
    His lips barely touching mine, he said menacingly,

"That sounds like a denial to me!"

"So...punish me!" I replied, darting my tongue over his lips.

"I'd love to," he said, bending to nip the top of my shoulder. "Then again...perhaps a short, sharp, shock of a punishment, followed by a prolonged period of...mmm..._reconciliation_ would be more effective?"

His voice was like rich, sweet honeyed velvet, hypnotic and low, whispering heat all over my neck, chasing the goosebumps it caused as I let my head fall back to expose more of the sensitive flesh there to his insistent lips. 

"Yes..." I moaned, "Oh, _yes_, that sounds wonderful..."

I felt his lips draw back form his teeth and he sniggered softly, nuzzling my ear with his nose.

"As you wish..." he murmured mockingly, drawing back from me and saying in a ringing, authoritative voice,

"Accio broom!"

"_What_?" I said, aghast as he grinned wolfishly down at me.

"Your punishment, my love! It's about time you reacquainted yourself with more traditional modes of transport!"

"Oh, no!" I objected. "Not a chance!"

A moment later Severus tilted his head, hearing the swishing of something approaching at high speed. He held out his right hand to arm's length, and it was soon filled by the handle of an exceptionally handsome ebony broom. He grinned smugly, and looked it up and down.

"Well? What do you think?"

"It's...well, it couldn't be anyone else's, really, could it?"

He lifted his eyebrow enquiringly as I reached out to touch it, caressing its sleek handle, which felt curiously warm to the touch, and so smooth it could have been lacquered. Its contoured shaft ended in a neatly trimmed and shaped brush of ebony twigs, which glittered as the late afternoon sunlight fell on them through the dappling effect of the trees, and I noticed that they were discreetly sprinkled with a golden dust. The effect was very tasteful, and very expensive. I had no idea of the make or model, and assumed that Severus had had it custom made to his own specifications. In spite of myself, I thrilled at the thought, and a small part of me was actually desirous of mounting the thing without further delay.

As if sensing my thoughts, since he could most assuredly see them shine out through my gaze, his next words were,

"Shall we?"

The spell was broken. I looked up into his amused face with alarm, and immediately demurred,

"Oh no, definitely not, I _can't_, not like this, what if I fall off? No, _no way_, I've told you before, you won't get me on one of these - "

"Ella, stop babbling!"

" - Oh dear!" I finished as he stepped behind me and slid the broom between my legs in one graceful, fluid motion.  

I was trapped. Severus was leaning into my back and I could feel his mouth in my hair and his thighs nudging against mine. His arms were around me, gripping the handle in front of me, leaving me no means of escape. The broom was hovering underneath me, vibrating softly through my thin summer dress, and making me deliciously aware of how little I was actually wearing.

"Just relax," he instructed soothingly, and I closed my eyes, half in fear, half in response to the mesmerising cadences of his voice and the unusual physical sensation of being astride his broom. He pulled gently upwards on the handle, and I felt a gentle shifting in my stomach as we began to hover, a few feet off the ground.

"Are your eyes open?" he asked.

"No!" I quivered, leaning backwards into him and gripping on to his arms.

"Well, open them!"

Hesitantly I opened first one eye, and then the other, to find the ground was still within easy reach. Still further away, however, than I could safely fall.

"Oh!"

"Don't worry! Do you really think I'd do anything that would put you and my child in danger?"

With those words he pulled up on the broom again and leaned forward slightly. The broom responded immediately, and we flew forward several yards, gaining height all the time. It was fortunate that his question was rhetorical, for the sight of the copse we had just left, its tree tops now a good twenty feet below us, had rendered me incapable of any further speech. A desperate moan escaped my throat, and he chuckled softly,

"Relax, love! It's fun! Come on, it _is_! I can't believe you don't like this!"

He pressed his elbows into my sides, so that he was enfolding me as securely as he could while still keeping both hands firmly on the handle. Slowly, I began to relax, and as he felt my shoulders drop and my thighs relax against his, he murmured,

"Better?" 

"A bit," I answered grudgingly, aware more than ever of the heat of his body surrounding mine, the hardness of the broom between my legs, and the absolute surrender I had had to make, and continued to make, to Severus' will. I was completely vulnerable, at his mercy, my fate in his hands. And it felt so painfully and unexpectedly erotic that I gasped out his name in a rush,

"Severus!"

"What is it? Are you alright?"

"Yes, I..."

"Good. Let's try it a bit faster, shall we?" and I shrieked as the broom began to thrum and we climbed higher and faster, banking gently to the left and swooping over the lake.

"Not the lake! Not the lake!" I yelled in dismay, and we banked again, climbing towards the Astronomy Tower now, over the greenhouses, past the roof of the Great Hall, over the many quadrangles, down past Gryffindor Tower, round the castle to the main entrance, and then we were flying faster than ever before, so fast that my skirt flew up around my thighs, flapping against my chest, and the cold rush of air blew through the thin fabric of my briefs and made me close my eyes once more, and bite my lip.

By the time we reached the Quidditch pitch I had decided that I was quite enjoying myself, because of the particular combination of circumstances, however, and not because I had revised my opinion of broomsticks in general. Two swift, exhilarating laps of the Quidditch pitch later, I was laughing giddily and tilting my head back as far as I could in order to fasten Severus' lips to mine in a hungry kiss.

As I turned back to him the wind had whipped my hair across our faces and he lifted one hand from the broom to brush it from our mouths, letting it fall then down over my breasts and thence to the intimate area where my body met the shaft of the broom. He quickly ascertained my state of arousal and his lips smiled against mine.

"I told you you'd enjoy this, didn't I? Hmm?" he whispered seductively, pulling the broomstick up slightly so that both it and his long, knowing fingers pressed more insistently against me.

"Ah!" I moaned. "Oh, no, Severus, put your hand back on the broom! I'll _fall_!" I was aroused, but not able to forget that we were circling at least eighty feet above the ground.

"I told you, I won't let you fall!"

"Severus!"

"Alright, but it seems _such_ a shame," he continued mockingly as he removed his delicately stroking fingers from me, deliberately tugging at my briefs as he did so, so that the cold rush of wind teased my burning flesh with even greater force than before, making me shudder and throw back my head. With an audible smirk he enfolded me completely once more and I was left breathless as we careered towards the castle at full speed. Mystified students on their way up the lawn towards the main doors looked up at their fearsome potions master whooping with gleeful exhilaration as he flew his pregnant fiancée back to the school.

We circled it twice, descending slowly, and finally I was returned to safety on the blessedly solid lawn of the Silent Quadrangle. Kissing my neck ardently, Severus slid the broom from under me slowly and deliberately, running its shaft insistently between my thighs as he withdrew it, lasciviously murmuring,

"Mmm...Oh, that was _very nice_, wasn't it?" as I trembled violently. I sank to my knees immediately it was no longer supporting me, my legs wobbling so severely that they were unequal to the task required of them.

"Oh, God!" I muttered, brushing my hair back from my face. Severus laughed and tossed the broom to one side, flopping down on the grass in front of me and propping himself up on one elbow.

"You evil bastard!" I said slowly, staring into his smugly self-satisfied, beautiful, wonderful, adored face. He reached up for my arm and pulled me towards him, forcing me to recline sideways on to him, leaning against his chest. Slipping our arms around one another, he lay back until his hair spilled all around him on the grass underneath, and mine, far longer, joined it, blocking out the sunlight for us both, curtaining our lips so that they could perform their intricate dance in sweet seclusion.

Both of his hands were around my neck and he stroked my cheeks with his thumbs as I kissed him. At last we broke apart, and I shifted so that I could lie against him, using his chest as a pillow. His hand dropped to cup my breast and I sighed, the urgency of my desire subdued now by the intoxicating taste of him. I felt drunk on him, dazed, exhausted after the heady rush of our flight and his deliberate smoking sensuality, and while part of me yearned for the privacy of our chambers and the full intimacy I knew would take place later in our bed, the greater part of me preferred, for the moment, to lie against him in languid contemplation of the sky while his fingers idly traced circles around my nipples and his chest rose and fell with a hypnotically regular rhythm.

Eventually he stretched underneath me and ruffled my hair.

"Come on!" he ordered, sitting up and helping me to do the same. "I can hear footsteps, someone might be coming. We can't let people see us like this!"

"But it's okay for them to see you tearing through the sky on your broom, yelling your head off?"

"Ah. Well, no, but let's not give them still more to gossip about!"

Grumbling, I got to my feet, regretting having lain on the hard ground for so long.

"Fit to walk? Or shall I _fly_ you through the corridors?"

"Hah! No thanks, I'll manage!" I answered dryly. "I think I've done quite enough flying for one day!"

"Oh, I don't know," he murmured, his eyes downcast before flicking up to mine slyly. "You seemed to find it quite arousing!"

"That was all you, and you know it!" I retorted as he held out his hand to his broom, which shot into it with alacrity.

"I saved you a very, _very_ tiring walk!"

"For your own nefarious purposes!"

"Of course!" he smirked, slipping his arm around my waist and caressing my skin through the thin, slippery fabric. "You've been...punished...enough - now it's time for that prolonged reconciliation..."


	38. Making Each Day Of The Year

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, glad you liked it as much as I did! Please feel free to review this one as well! Oh, and hang on to your hats, because in this chapter, and those few preceding where nothing much seems to have happened, wheels have been set in motion which will race us along through the next section of the story all the way to the end of the ride!

Chapter 40 

Making Each Day Of The Year

Monday morning came all too quickly. The night before, at dinner, the Headmaster had announced our engagement to the school. Severus had gripped my hand tightly under the table and fixed his face into the approximation of an embarrassed not-quite-a-frown. When the applause had died down he had said out of the corner of his mouth,

"That was all for you, not me."

"It was for us _both_, love! You'll see!"

Sure enough, as the Great Hall had emptied after dinner, some of the older students from all four houses had approached the staff table to shyly offer us both their congratulations, and Severus grasped my hand once more. By the time his ordeal was over, and he had stiffly acknowledged everybody's good wishes, my hand was aching, red and sore from his grip. As the Hall emptied I showed him what he had done.

"Good grief, Ella, why didn't you _say_ something? Here, let me get my wand…" Horrified, he reached into his robes.

"I didn't want to, you seemed to need it too much!" I smiled gently as he performed a charm that melted the pain away.

"I did! I put up with an awful lot for you, you know!" he replied feelingly as he turned my hand over in his, stroking it with his thumbs.

As usual the owl post arrived at breakfast. Severus and I looked at one another nervously, ready to borrow Sirius' copy of the Daily Prophet when it arrived. However, there was no need, as a clearly marked "Complimentary Copy" was dropped into my lap by a large tawny owl. I was horrified to discover that we were front page news.

"Hah! It must have been a slow weekend for news," Sirius commented grimly, and we all three began to read.

            *****************************************************************

**-----------"The Daily Prophet has previously reported that Hogwarts' saturnine potions master has been carrying on a torrid on/off affair with an ex-Hogwarts student. Ella Redemte, whose family was poisoned shortly before the Dark Lord's fall seventeen years ago, was seen flaunting herself at Saturday's Quidditch House Cup match at Hogwarts, obviously in the late stages of pregnancy, reports Rita Skeeter, Special Correspondent. **

**We can now exclusively reveal that she plans to marry Severus Snape, her parents' murderer. Snape, who was never brought to trial for atrocities carried out when he was a Death Eater, has enjoyed the protection and patronage of Albus Dumbledore ever since he had a 'change of heart' and conveniently switched allegiances. **

**How long their union will last remains to be seen, since the prickly bridegroom has lived alone at Hogwarts for years, while the worldly wise Ms Redemte has led a peripatetic lifestyle since being orphaned and seems unwilling to spend too long in any one place.**

**This reporter has heard talk in some circles that another tall, dark haired teacher may very well be the father of her baby. Flighty Ms Redemte has only recently returned from a long sojourn in France accompanied by Sirius Black, ex-convict and now teacher at Hogwarts. Ms Redemte would appear to have an enthusiastic taste for a particular type of man, and this reporter has to wonder who will be next, and when?" --------------**

         ********************************************************************

I felt all of the colour drain from my face as I read, and I only needed to look at the whiteness of Severus' knuckles as he gripped the newspaper to know what he was feeling. Fleetingly I wondered whether or not we could sue for defamation of character, but I quickly realised that there were no outright lies in the piece. And mud would, in any case, stick no matter what we did.

The general hubbub in the Hall had reached a louder pitch than usual, and as I raised my eyes from the page in front of me I caught dozens of pairs of eyes on me. I was painfully aware that I was flanked by both of my supposed lovers, both of whom held a copy of the damning article in which they were referred to as criminals. The embarrassment I felt was intolerable.

"Severus, can we go? I need to get out of here!"

"No!" he snapped. "We're not going anywhere, not after last time! Stay there!"

"Snape, Ella looks ill…" Sirius began.

"Don't talk to me, Black! We'll discuss this later, in private, not here in front of the whole school! Do you want people to think we take this rubbish _seriously_?" he spat venomously.

Sirius opened the newspaper, folded it back, and began to read the sports page, turning to Professor Vector and commenting loudly on the Chudleigh Cannons' latest signing.

Severus put his copy to one side and poured me a goblet of pumpkin juice. 

"Smile, Ella, for pity's sake!" he muttered grimly. "Otherwise they'll forget all their good wishes of last night!"

"Oh, Severus, it's horrible! What if people _believe_ these lies?"

"Not now, Ella, not _here_! Pull yourself together, woman!"

I took the goblet he offered me and sipped it, although my stomach was churning and I felt quite ill. Rita Skeeter had painted me as some sort of slut who flitted from man to man, and place to place, and I feared that her comments would shake Severus' confidence. It was only recently that I had truly and completely won his trust, and I was desperately afraid that it would be snatched away from me.

Miserably I willed breakfast to be over so that I could escape from all the watchful faces. At last my prayers were answered and the Headmaster rose from his seat, coming up behind us and saying,

"Sirius, Ella, Severus, come to my office, please. Oh, and Remus, find Harry and Hermione and bring them to me in about half an hour, please."

Remus nodded, and we rose to leave. I felt light-headed, and reached for Severus to steady myself, putting my hand on his arm. He covered my hand with his reassuringly and murmured, more kindly now,

"It could have been a lot worse. Don't worry."

We were soon seated in Dumbledore's office.

"I take it you've read the article, Headmaster?" asked Severus.

"Yes, yes. And it isn't as vicious as I had feared it would be."

"What?" I said incredulously. "It's horrible!"

"It's quite tame by Rita Skeeter's standards," observed Sirius.

"Well, she hardly did a character assassination on _you_, did she?" I snapped, close to tears.

"Ella, calm down. Think of the baby," Severus urged, taking my hands in his.

"The baby that half the wizarding world is going to doubt _belongs_ to you! How can you be so – so – _reasonable_! I saw how angry you were at breakfast!"

"Because I've had some time to think about the article, and much as it pains me to admit it, I believe that Black's right!"

"Thanks, Snape!"

"Yes, well, don't get used to it, Black."

"Rita Skeeter has, indeed, done a lot worse in the past, and I am quite certain she will do so again," Dumbledore agreed, much to my irritation. "All I need from the three of you, particularly you, Ella, is your assurance that you will not let this article affect your relationships," looking at Severus and Sirius in turn, "and that there is nothing else you are keeping secret which she may use at a later date to discredit both you, and, by association, this school."

"There's nothing," replied Severus grimly.

"No, nothing at all," followed Sirius innocently.

Dumbledore nodded and turned to me.

"Ella. You were the main target of her attack this time. Can you assure me that there is nothing in what she said that she may elaborate on at a later date?"

I met his gaze steadily as I remembered returning Sirius' kiss at Beauxbatons, and guilt surged through me, making me flush. I didn't dare look at Sirius, or Severus, as I said,

"There's nothing, Professor Dumbledore. There has never been anything between Sirius and me. Not in that way."

As I spoke, I knew it was the truth, and that as long as Rita Skeeter hadn't been in the corridor with us at Beauxbatons that night, our secret would be safe. The Headmaster seemed satisfied with my answer, as he smiled and went to sit at his desk. Sirius and Severus looked at one another and nodded briefly, and I sank back in my chair, relieved. I hadn't lied to Dumbledore. I couldn't, I knew he would always see straight through me. Yes, I had kissed Sirius, but only because for a few seconds I had forgotten who he was. And besides, that kiss had been the catalyst that had brought me back to my true love. I shouldn't feel guilty about it, I thought.

There was a knock at the door. It was Remus, with Harry and Hermione. When they had entered, the Headmaster stood up and looked at us all gravely.

"And now to more pressing matters, now that we are all here. I'm afraid I have had some most worrying news. It concerns Lucius Malfoy. He has absconded from Azkaban prison, and nobody knows where he is."

"_What_?" spluttered Sirius incredulously. "How?"

 "It appears he had help. According to Arthur Weasley, the Minister for Magic has not been seen since going to visit him two days ago regarding his appeal."

My stomach turned over and I reached out for Severus. He put his hand on my shoulder, frowning angrily.

"They'll be caught, surely?" I asked.

Everyone was silent. Eventually Hermione spoke.

"It'll be okay, Ella," she said shakily, trying to convince herself as well as me. Harry hugged her fiercely, for once looking older than his years. As he released her, he said,

"You know, I've almost felt sorry for Draco over the last few months, but I bet he'll be overjoyed to hear this!"

"Pah!" Severus burst out, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Potter, but I have to disagree. The boy's never been less obnoxious than in these last few months. You know, I actually think he was _happy_ when his father was sent to Azkaban! Just because _you_ imagine that _your _relationship with your father would have been idyllic, it doesn't mean that _everyone's_ is!" he continued, pacing the room, ending up inches away from Harry, his eyes glinting. "Not all Slytherins turn bad, Potter. Something you find difficult to believe, I know, but no less true for that!"

"I'm sorry, sir," Harry answered, unflinching. "I _do_ believe it. At least, I believe that if they _do_ turn bad, they don't always stay that way."

Severus gave him a penetrating look, and turned away, back to me, his expression unreadable.

"Severus, am I right in thinking that you don't have any classes this morning?" the Headmaster enquired.

"Indeed, Headmaster, not until after lunch."

"Very well. Draco hasn't been informed yet. Please bring him to me."

Severus nodded silently, and we all rose to leave.

It was a very subdued group that descended the spiral staircase and went their separate ways at its foot. Harry and Sirius went off to meet Ron, then go to see Hagrid, while Hermione and Remus went to see what would be Hermione's new quarters the next year, and spend some time alone. Severus had been silent and brooding until we had reached the foot of the stairs, and I almost expected him to simply stalk away along the corridor without a word. However, he turned to me and said peremptorily,

"Go to your rooms, and start to pack up all your belongings. I'll come to you as soon as I can. You're going to move in with me properly. I think it's about time, don't you?"

"I – are you sure? I don't want – "

"Don't argue."

Leaning against him, we stood holding each other close for a moment, then he lifted my chin and kissed me briefly but tenderly, and we parted.

It was over two hours later before Severus came to me. I had packed everything, and I sat in the armchair thinking about the Malfoys, father and son. Draco was so like his father in appearance, and yet Severus had maintained that he had been relieved that his father had been imprisoned, so their similarities were perhaps only superficial.

I had never liked Draco. He was an obnoxious bully who delighted in belittling people. I suppose my perception of him had been coloured by my friendship with Hermione and Harry, but Severus too used to grow impatient with him, particularly as he had spent seven years trying to hide his dislike because of who Draco's father was.

Finally, Severus came in and I rose to greet him. He enfolded me in his arms and buried his face in my hair, sighing heavily.

"What is it?" I asked, holding him close around his waist.

"He didn't take the news very well. He's scared. Apparently he's always known he'd be expected to take the Dark Mark after his eighteenth birthday. He's not that bad underneath – and he's terrified of his father."

"I'm not surprised!" I muttered feelingly.

"Like I told Potter, Draco was actually quite relieved about what happened before Christmas, thought it would let him off the hook. Now, he's not so sure."

Severus sat down and pulled me on to his lap. I wound my arms around his neck and twisted a lock of his hair around my fingers as I said,

"Off the hook? As in, receiving the Dark Mark?"

"Yes," replied Severus sombrely. "You do understand that Voldemort wasn't defeated, don't you? I mean, not completely?"

"Of course I do! But surely he was weakened enough not to pose any threat? Not for a long time, anyway?"

Severus shrugged, his forehead knitting as his fingertips traced my cheek.

"We don't know."

I drew his head towards me, and rested my cheek on it.

"Have they sent aurors?"

"Yes. The Ministry's in turmoil, they're running around like headless chickens, apparently. Nobody knew about Fudge, so nobody knows who to trust any more." He gave a hollow laugh and sighed, burying his face in my chest so that his next words were muffled. "They don't know what to do first, go on a manhunt or conduct an internal investigation! Then, of course, there's the small matter of electing a new Minister for Magic!"

"About Malfoy..." I mused, "_You_ wouldn't have to go and join the search, would you? I need you here..."

He squeezed me tighter and shook his head.

"Shouldn't think so. Don't worry."

Something evasive in his tone made me push us apart so that I could see his face. He looked up at me, worried.

"You _will_ have to, won't you?"

"Honestly? I don't know. Maybe."

I shivered and drew him close to me again. We sat like that for a while, until he said finally,

"You all ready to go?"

"Yes."

"Sure?"

"What?"

"Sure you want to give up your bolt-hole?"

"I don't need a bolt-hole from you, love."

"You _did_," he answered as he looked at me seriously, raising an eyebrow.

"I know better now." I silenced him with a finger on his lips. He closed his eyes and sighed. "And how about you?" I asked. He opened his eyes enquiringly. "You might get sick of my...incessant prattle!" I teased.

"I'm getting used to it," he shrugged. "Anyway, it was too quiet without you. I was lonely."

"And now you'll never be lonely again," I said as I pressed my lips against his.

"Let's go," Severus murmured when we finally broke apart, his mood noticeably lighter. "I have something to show you."

"What is it?"

"Our new home!" he said importantly.

"The Headmaster agreed?"

"The suite's ours as soon as we want it!"

"Oh, _now_!"

He pushed me off his lap, laughing, and stood up.

"The rooms are a bit - neglected, you know."

"So? That all adds to the fun!"

"Does it? Hmm. If you say so..."

I waddled excitedly along the corridors, Severus smiling indulgently at my side as I enthused and made plans.

"You haven't even _seen_ the rooms yet, Ella!"

"Doesn't matter!" I replied happily.

 We passed the doors to his classroom and office, to the heavy oak door at the very end of the corridor. He withdrew his wand and said, with a sideways glance at me,

"Alohomora!" and the door swung open. I followed him inside eagerly, and found myself in a very large, very dusty room. It was the same size as Severus' office, perhaps a little larger, with a floor of what appeared to be multi-hued slabs of slate, dulled by decades of dust and neglect. A set of four arched windows, like the two in Severus' bedroom, was at the far end and had they too not been covered in grime and cobwebs they would have flooded the room with light. The walls were panelled in oak and one wall had recessed shelving almost to ceiling height.

"Oh, it's beautiful!" I exclaimed, turning around to take in the whole room.

Severus raised his eyebrows enquiringly as he too looked all around him.

"Well, it _will_ be!" I corrected myself.  "It just needs a good clean. Can't you see it?"

He laughed softly and came up behind me, slipping his arms around my waist and murmuring lovingly in my ear,

"I can now that _you've_ seen it."

Taking his hand in mine I pulled him along behind me towards a door in the far corner that I had just noticed.

"Is this ours too?" I demanded.

"Yes, this is too!"

I stepped into a smaller room, a little smaller than Severus' bedroom. There were windows on two walls, and between them was a corner turret with windows all round. I felt light-hearted the moment I walked into the room, and I turned to Severus with shining eyes.

"Do you feel it?"

"Feel what?" he replied, puzzled but with laughter in his eyes.

"This room - it feels so light! So - happy!"

"How can a room feel happy?"

"It just does!"

"You haven't been seeing Trelawney, have you? She's always on about 'vibes', the silly woman."

"No!" I snorted. "But Severus, can't you just picture it? A cot over there, and a rocking chair in the turret where I can sit with the baby..."

He hugged me fiercely and said nothing, clasping my head to his chest. I knew then that he could see it too.

"Well," he began, his voice cracking, "the first thing we need to do is get the house elves to clean the place up. _Before_ you show it to Hermione, Ella, or she'll have the two of you doing it yourselves!" he warned sternly. "Then we can decorate it, make a doorway through to the bedroom, and then it's all up to you, it doesn't matter to me how it's furnished, as long as it's comfortable."

"I can't wait to get started!"

"Hmm. As long as you don't overdo it."

"I won't. I've got you to look after me, haven't I?"

"Always, love."

I didn't want to leave that room and its peaceful atmosphere, with its turret offering views of half the Hogwarts grounds, even across to Hogsmeade. However, Severus was holding me, and the lure of our bed was too strong for me to resist. I ran my hands down his back, squeezing gently, and murmured his name.

"I know. Me too." he replied, understanding my meaning. "Come on."

We walked back into the main room, arm in arm, stealing kisses on the way and smiling into one another's eyes. Severus opened the door to the corridor and turned to me, and I pushed him out into the corridor playfully, eager to get back to our room. He laughed as he stumbled slightly, then did a half-turn and froze, glaring down the corridor as he straightened up to his full height and saying icily,

"Well, what are you waiting for? Get inside!"

I peered out round the edge of the door frame to see a gaggle of bemused Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, crowding their way into the classroom now, gaping down the corridor at us. Severus took my arm and guided me back into the room hurriedly, shutting the door behind us once more as he said,

"It's my third year class! What time is it?"

"It must be after lunch already!" 

"Damn it! I have to go. That's _another_ afternoon spent wanting you!!" he said, highly annoyed. I pressed my hand against his trousers and said mockingly,

"Oh dear..." as he grasped my wrist and kissed me longingly.

"I'll see _you_ later!" he warned, sweeping out and leaving me alone.


	39. Changing The Future To Now

Chapter 41 

**_Changing The Future To Now_**

After he had gone I turned to survey the room again, hugging myself inwardly. I wandered up and down the room, investigating every corner, every shelf. I ran my hands along the recessed shelves, thick with well over half a century of dust, and imagined them filled with books. Over the huge stone fireplace was an enormous tapestry, so dark and soot-blackened that I could not make out its original colours, let alone discern any design thereon. I made a mental note to ask the house elves to clean it thoroughly, and cast around for a more suitable hanging place for it, in case I decided I liked the design. The windows had large deep sills like those in our bedroom, and I peered out to take a more lingering look at the view. More than satisfied, I wandered back into the nursery and once again the strangest feeling overcame me. Such joy would be in this room, I was certain of it. It was almost as it the whitewashed walls were whispering such to me, inaudibly, directly into my heart. I smiled, running my hands along the walls in silent thanks, before returning to the main room and returning my attention to the wall of recessed shelving. 

There would be more than enough space for all Severus' books, I knew, including those piled up in dusty columns in his classroom. I would send for my own too, I decided. They were currently in a storage warehouse in a Muggle city several hundred miles away. All my worldly possessions from birth to twenty, including every book my parents had ever bought me, and it was about time I reclaimed them. My hand brushed against the side of one of the shelves as my mind wandered absently, and I stopped as I felt it move slightly, and then slide back into place. Abruptly returned to the present, I repeated the action, curious, and it happened again. And again, and again. I withdrew my wand, certain that a secret compartment, maybe even a hidden room or one of Hogwarts' many uncharted passageways lay somewhere nearby.

"Alohomora!" I said decisively. A shower of coloured sparks from the tip of my wand illuminated the shelf briefly and blew the dust into my face, making me cough and turn away hurriedly. Wiping the dust from my eyes, which were now watering painfully, I muttered the spell again. More dust and sparks, and I heard an almost imperceptible grinding noise, which I presumed my coughing fit had drowned out with my first attempt. However, the spell had had no effect.

 I pushed again at the shelf and still nothing happened. I repeated the spell several times along with all the other unlocking spells I could dredge up from my memory, before becoming extremely cross and swearing vociferously. The air was full of dust now and I stomped across to the windows and opened one of the casements, breathing deeply of the fresh, clean air outside while considering my next move. I could use an axe, I thought, but the shelves were so nice, I didn't want to ruin them, particularly as I had already put them to such good use in my mind. And if the secret behind the shelf was magically concealed, even the biggest axe I could wield would be to no avail, however annoyed I might be. 

I walked back to the offending shelf and glared at it. Unsurprisingly, my wrath was wasted on it and it remained impassive. I had backache now, so I put both my hands on to the shelf and bent my head, to think. I pressed on the right shelf wall with one hand, as before, and looked to my left. Frowning with a sudden idea, I pressed with my left hand too, and stood back open-mouthed and more than a little smug as at long last the shelves in front of me opened out, to reveal a small secret room. 

There was sufficient space for just one person to walk in, since all three walls were lined with more shelves, to ceiling height, and all the shelves were lined with books. Intrigued, I stepped up to the wall and peered across the threshold, not daring to step inside completely lest I be accidentally entombed. 

I looked at the spines of the books, reading their titles. I was surprised and a little disappointed to find that I recognised most of them. Copies were readily available in the Hogwarts library, although I did notice that some of the titles belonged in the restricted section. 

One small book, little more than a pamphlet, did catch my eye, although in retrospect I cannot explain why. It had been sandwiched between a well-used copy of 'Most Potente Potions' and a large black-bound volume of 'Mythopoeikon'. I took it out and examined it. It was a very slim volume, bound in calfskin, with pages of stiff, yellowing parchment that was crumbling at the corners. It was several hundred years old, I estimated, and detailed handwritten notes and translations in purple ink filled the margins. The volume was called "Ayres and Grace's Pocket Almanack of Counter-Curses'. The title amused me, and I wandered over to the window whilst I examined it further. 

There was no index, just page after page of incantations for various conditions - the removal of boils, the restoration of libido, - and then, just as I had decided that the book's title was its only interesting part, I came across a charm to remove marks imprinted on flesh by means of dark magic. I recognised the basic charm, it was for the treatment of burns and would be common knowledge to anyone versed in the healing arts. I was certain that Madam Pomfrey and Severus would be familiar with it. But here, it had been modified with some arcane twist with which I was not familiar and for which my Latin language skills, while good, were not sufficiently precise to allow me adequately to translate. 

Intrigued, I tried to puzzle out the words, inked over and heavily annotated though they were. They appeared to be setting out a particular set of circumstances that would need to be in place before the modified healing incantation would work. I resolved to try to translate the modification properly at another time, wondering whether Severus might be able to use it to remove the Dark Mark. 

I put it away in my robes for safekeeping, undecided as to whether he would find it of any use, since I knew he had tried and failed to rid himself of the Mark in the past.

I decided to make use of one of the four deep window seats and I sat down, first brushing off the dust with my hands. From there, I could see the whole room, and into what would become the nursery next door. I sat there musing for a while, imagining the room full of furniture, light and warmth. At length, I shook myself from my reverie and clapped my hands to summon a house elf. In an instant Winky appeared. I spent a few moments explaining to her what needed to be done, and then she disappeared with a pop.  When the house elves began to pop into sight all around me, and set to work with mops and brushes, I decided it was time to leave. Out in the corridor I tried the bedroom door, but it was locked, and I realised to my chagrin that I still didn't know the spell to open it. I didn't want to disturb Severus' class by going in and asking him to let me in by way of his office, so I decided to go for a walk instead, and I simply blew a glowering Severus a kiss through the open classroom door as I passed.

I decided to go to the library. That morning's Daily Prophet article was still niggling at the back of my mind, and I knew that Madam Pince had back issues stored away there.

"There are thousands of copies here," she said doubtfully when I told her what I wanted to do. "What do you want to read about?"

"Well, anything by that Rita Skeeter woman, really," I replied, shrugging. "I want to see for myself just how bad today's article is, comparatively speaking."

She clucked sympathetically and suggested I simply take out a few copies at random. Once we had chosen an armful of back issues each, we set them down at one of the long tables and she left me alone to read.

Two hours later, I was still there. The woman was breathtakingly wicked, I decided. I had read both about people I knew and people I didn't know, and nothing of what she wrote appeared to me to be true. Well, I corrected myself, there was usually a kernel of truth hidden away, but in every case it had been twisted and embroidered upon until it bore scant resemblance to the truth. I sat back, wondering how the woman had kept her job for so long when all she produced was scurrilous lies. As I was pondering this question, Hermione came into the library. When she saw what I was doing she came over to me and said, 

"Rita Skeeter?"

"Yes! I can't believe people believe this stuff!"

"Well, they do, more's the pity! Have you read what she wrote about Harry and me, when he was in the Tri-Wizard tournament?"

"No?"

"Oh, you're in for a rare treat, then!" she said ironically, getting up and searching along one of the shelves. "Here, read this! I'll be back in a minute."

I was shaking my head in disbelief by the time Hermione came back, weighed down by two enormous books.

"Read it yet?" She asked.

"Yes...you poor things!"

"I know, and even Ron's mum believed it! So I understand exactly how you must feel. But it'll all blow over pretty quickly, as long as she hasn't got anything else hidden up her sleeve."

"Mmm. Anyway," I said, changing the subject, "I found a secret room! In our new chambers!"

"_Really_? How exciting!"

"Yes, and it was full of books! But they just appear to be extra copies of books that are in here already. But I did find this - " I went on, rummaging in my robes' pockets to find the small almanac. "Look at this," I said as I passed it over to her open at the relevant page. "I want to try and translate it before I show Severus...what do you think?"

Her brow furrowed as she tried to make out the words.

"Oh, I see...can I hold on to this and have a go myself? I have a Latin dictionary in my room, it could come in handy!"

"Yes, okay, that'd be great! Thanks!"

Nodding towards Hermione's books, I asked, "What are those for?"

"Oh, just a bit of background reading, ready for September" she said airily.

"Don't you feel like a break, after the NEWTS?"

"I _am_ having a break!"

I laughed and turned back to the Daily Prophet. Flipping through it, I noticed a photograph of Lucius Malfoy on the Society pages. I froze, watching him chat and smile with some one. I recognised her from somewhere. She had blonde hair piled untidily on top of her head, large horn-rimmed glasses, and she was wearing leopard-print dress robes. I turned to the foot of the picture and read the words,

"The Daily Prophet's Rita Skeeter chats to Lucius Malfoy, guest at this year's Witch Weekly Most Charming Smile awards."

"So _that's_ her!" I breathed, realising that this was the same scribe who had been in attendance at Malfoy's trial. She had stayed behind in the courtroom, her green quill still scribbling away, and had still been there when we had filed out. Interested now, I scanned a few more back issues of the newspaper, looking for the Society columns. Those of hers that discussed the Malfoy family were slightly obsequious in tone, and I came to the conclusion that she must like to move in similar circles.

Tired now of reading, and having had my fill of Rita Skeeter, I put the newspapers away and returned to my place to chat to Hermione for a while. We each discussed our new rooms, and resolved to go shopping together for furnishings in the holidays.

"Sirius got all his stuff from a brilliant place down on Dartmoor," Hermione enthused. "We should go there. They have everything, and they deliver too! Then we could get smaller things from Muggle London, if you'd like! Shop till we drop!"

"Which will happen pretty quickly for me, I'm afraid!" I said wryly, looking at my huge stomach. 

A smooth, slightly irritated baritone sent a delicious shiver down my spine as it interrupted then with 

"Ella! _Here_ you are!" It was Severus. "Classes finished ages ago, have you seen the time?"

He sat down beside me and put his arm across the back of my chair, frowning.

"Have you been looking for me?"

"Yes, of course! We may as well go straight to the Great Hall now," he said, looking at Hermione reproachfully.

"It wasn't Hermione's fault, Severus! I was reading some old Daily Prophets. I don't feel so bad about that Skeeter woman now."

"Pleased to hear it," he said dryly, standing up and holding out his hand to me. "Come on! You too, Miss Granger. We don't want you to be late, now do we?"

"No, sir!" smiled Hermione.

Hermione said she'd catch us up, so Severus and I left the library and his hand slipped into mine as soon as we were in the deserted corridor. We walked in silence, and I curled round the middle finger of my hand so that I could gently scratch his palm as we walked. He looked down at me quizzically and after a few moments, when we had turned in to a smaller, darker corridor, less used, he stopped abruptly, took both my hands in his and walked me towards the wall, pinning me against it and holding my hands above my head. He brought his face to within inches of mine and in a deliciously low, hypnotic voice murmured,

"How is it that simply the touch of your fingernail against my palm can be so unbearably erotic?" before kissing me so deeply that he took my breath away. He released my hands then so that I could wind my arms around his neck; one of his arms wound around my waist while his free hand caressed my breast. I moaned softly as his thumb brushed insistently across my nipple, and he smiled at the reaction he had elicited, before suddenly pulling away from me.

"That's better! Now we're even, wouldn't you say?" he smirked as I leant against the wall, flushed and panting. I grabbed the lapels of his robes and muttered,

"Come here, I haven't finished with you yet!" pulling him to me sharply and claiming his eager lips once more. 

Hermione must have crept up on us very quietly for we did not hear her pass, and would have been completely unaware of her presence had she not called back mockingly over her shoulder as she went,

"Come on! We don't want you to be late, now do we?"

Severus had jumped when he heard her voice and looked after her aghast, shouting after her as she disappeared round a corner,

"Ten points from – oh, never mind!" he trailed off resignedly as I tapped him in disapproval. "I suppose I should be thankful it was only her."

Smiling at Severus' obvious irritation, I hugged him and we continued on our way to the Great Hall. I told him about the secret room I had found, and he surmised that it must date from no later than the room's last occupant.

"I believe it was a Professor Gruber, around seventy years ago, in Dippet's time. We'll tell Albus at dinner, I'm sure he'll be very interested."

Sure enough, the Headmaster was greatly interested and he made us promise not to dispose of anything therein until the following weekend, when he would be free to investigate further with us. We agreed readily, having had no other intention than to retire to the blissful comfort of our bedroom as soon as was decently possible after dinner was over, and knowing that Severus would be too busy preparing for the end of term to allow himself to be distracted for the remainder of that week.

Even if Severus had carried out his half-hearted threat to remove house points from the school's Head Girl for her cheek, it wouldn't have prevented Gryffindor from winning the House Cup by a very comfortable margin when the announcement was made at the final dinner of the year that Friday. Severus applauded dutifully as usual, but I was genuinely pleased for Hermione. It seemed fitting that she should see out her tenure as Head Girl by adding this prize to her achievements over the previous seven years. 

As a Gryffindor, Remus was expected to applaud loudly for his house's achievements, but I was one of the few people present who was aware of the real reason for his fierce pride, and my heart swelled with affection for my friends.

The Headmaster arrived at ten o'clock sharp the following morning, having overseen the departure of the students for the summer break. Severus and I were already there, having most reluctantly left the warmth of our bed for the large empty room next door with its stone floors which, although free from dust and grime now, were yet unpolished, dull and cold.

"It is many years since I was last in these rooms," Dumbledore said as he entered, looking around appreciatively. "Ah, yes, I think they will do very well for you both, yes, very well indeed!"

I shot Severus a warm smile but he was preoccupied with running his hands along all of the recesses.

"Where is it, then?" he muttered. "Which shelf?"

I crossed over to him and showed him the secret mechanism.

"Look, you press here…and here!"

The shelves parted, folding in on themselves, and the tiny library room was revealed.

"Ingenious!" the Headmaster mused, withdrawing his wand as he turned to look at me over the top of his spectacles. "Have you disturbed anything?"

I looked at Severus quickly. I did not want to reveal anything about the pamphlet I had found, not until I knew whether or not it had any importance. Not for the first time I dissembled, saying

"Er…no, not really," with all the innocence of expression I could muster.

Not for the first time, either, the headmaster's penetrating gaze led me to believe that he could not be fooled. He gave me a half smile and nodded at me before turning back to the room and saying imperiously,

"Revelatio!"

Silver sparks flew from his wand and crackled along the shelves, criss-crossing all the books, as if the wand was a lightbrush for painting with light. I shielded my eyes from the glare too late, and the afterimages glowed on my retinas in fluorescent oranges and greens. I heard Severus say,

"Right, let's see what Gruber found so precious!" and I opened my eyes to see him disappearing into the small room. I stood next to the Headmaster and we both looked on as Severus trailed his long fingers along the spines of the books, stretching high to reach the uppermost shelves first and deftly working his way down, his eyes darting along the serried rows of books and gradually darkening in irritation.

"I can't see anything here of any interest!" he muttered impatiently. "It seems that Professor Gruber was simply too lazy to go to the library every time he wanted to look something up!"

"Perhaps," said Dumbledore musingly as Severus removed two large volumes from a lower shelf and exited the room, frowning

"Come over here, Ella, help me with these."

We went to sit together in the window seat and opened the books, which contained lists of various potions and where to find their constituent ingredients. Meanwhile the Headmaster began to peruse the contents of the library for himself, emerging a good ten minutes later with a small battered volume bound in what appeared to be iridescent phoenix feathers and an excited

"Ah, Severus, Ella, I have stumbled upon something rather interesting! A study into the language and history of the phoenix! Might I borrow this?"

Severus looked up from the opened tome on his knee.

"Oh, yes, Headmaster, of course – keep it. Was there much else of use in there? Anything I missed?"

Dumbledore gave me another penetrating yet indulgent look.

"No, I believe that between us we have removed anything of interest!"

He turned to go, and I stared at his retreating form, perplexed. I realised that Hermione still had the book I had loaned her, and turned to Severus, whose head was bent over his book once more, locks of hair obscuring his face, long fingers turning the pages rapidly.

"Love, I need to go and say goodbye to Hermione. She'll be leaving later today."

"Hmm? What? Oh, Hermione. Well, don't be long; I thought we could do this together."

"I won't be long," I confirmed, stroking back a lock of stray hair and kissing him lightly on his cheek. 

I reached the door and turned to look at him as I pulled it shut behind me. He was already a million miles away once more, I thought as I smiled fondly.

Professor Dumbledore was waiting for me at the other end of the corridor. As I approached he closed the book about phoenixes and fell into step beside me, regarding me gravely. I felt my innermost thoughts laid bare, and I swallowed uncomfortably.

"There is a certain book I half expected to find in Gruber's library," he began. "Ah, would you happen to know its whereabouts?"

It was fruitless to dissemble.

"I – the title amused me," I shrugged, and then continued, " – and when I read it – well, something about it…intrigued me. I lent it to Hermione, to help me translate – part of it."

He nodded sagely.

"I believe you will truly live up to your name, Ella Redemte."

"I'm sorry, Headmaster, I don't know what you mean!"

"But you will, Ella. One day, you will. And you will endeavour to heal Severus. You show him great love."

With that, he stopped abruptly and tapped a large stone gargoyle on the left paw, causing it to swing back, revealing a secret passageway. With an enigmatic smile and a cheerful

"Good day, Ella!" he swept inside and was gone, leaving me alone in the middle of the corridor, staring at the gargoyle uncomprehendingly as it swung back into place.


	40. You Touch Every Place In My Heart

Thanks again to everyone who's still reviewing. Those of you that aren't – I hope I haven't got too fluffy for you!

I've more or less finished writing this story now, there will be 56 chapters in total but they still need to be polished before I post them. I've been busy rewriting and hopefully improving my early chapters, and have re-posted 1 through to 5 with extra scenes and more description. Looking back from where I am now, it all looks a bit too bald, and everything happens rather quickly, so I've tried to improve it a bit.

Chapter 42 

You touch every place in my heart

****

"The Fat Lady was very loath to let me in just now, Hermione, even though I knew the password!" I grumbled as she let me into her room at the top of Gryffindor Tower. "And another thing, I don't think I'll _ever_ understand that wizard!"

"Who? Professor Snape?"

"No! Dumbledore!"

"Dumbledore?" she repeated, clearing a space on her bed for me to sit down.

"He knew about the book, don't ask me how!"

"Oh, yes, the book," she said mysteriously.

"What is it? What have you found out?"

"I need your help, to get the proper sense of it. Book learning and cleverness can't compare to innate skill, you'll probably have a feel for it when you see it…but I think it could work!"

"You mean I could get rid of the Dark Mark?"

"Well, the circumstances would seem to suggest so…" she said evasively.

"And they are?" I demanded, beginning to feel a little impatient, since I had already had one enigmatic conversation that day and was in no mood to decipher a second.

"Here, read for yourself," Hermione replied, handing me the book and a long scroll of parchment written all over in her meticulous hand.

I pored over the scroll for several minutes, while Hermione paced the room nervously and tried to concentrate on her packing. My heart raced as I realised the implications of what I was reading, and the absolute necessity of keeping it from Severus, and it swelled as I imagined the amazement I would see on his face when he realised what I had done.

Eventually I looked up.

"Well?" Hermione asked anxiously. "Are you going to do it?"

"Of _course_ I am! How can I not?" I answered, my eyes shining with hope. "This is meant to be, Hermione! I'm sure of it! Why else would I have found it the way I did? And why else would Dumbledore seem to know so much?"

"Maybe you should ask him about it?"

"I don't know. I get the feeling this is something I need to work out for myself."

"We'll have to work on that last passage, though. It worries me, it suggests dark magic."

"It would have to, though, wouldn't it? The Dark Mark was put there using dark magic. I might look in the Restricted Section, while you're away, there may be something there. If not, well...as a last resort there's always Knockturn Alley..."

Hermione's eyes widened, but she nodded and said,

"Yes. Yes, alright then. I'll be back in two weeks, if not sooner. Let me know if you make any progress, won't you? And don't do anything stupid! You'd be better seeing Dumbledore about it. I think you're going to need his help."

I climbed back out through the portrait hole and glared at the fat lady as I closed it behind me. She merely fanned herself and looked down her nose at me. Rolling my eyes I made my way back to the dungeons, hastening back to Severus.

I found him sitting cross-legged on the floor in the little library, muttering to himself. There was a large, untidy pile of books in the middle of the main room, and as I had poked my head in to see what he was doing, a flying book had only narrowly missed hitting me as it was tossed carelessly on to the heap.

A smaller pile of books, these rather more neatly stacked, was set at his right, and he used it to unfold himself to his feet in that enclosed space when he realised I had returned.

"Ella! You've been gone for ages! How long does it _take_ to say goodbye, anyway?"

He stepped out to me, picking his way through discarded books as he went, and I embraced him warmly, noticing his clothes were covered in dust and his face smudged.

"You've been busy, I see!" I observed. His left eyebrow arched.

"Well, _someone_ had to do it - and I need you to go over some of these with me. The ones in there." He waved his hand behind him. "These out here are useless. We don't need them. The house elves can take them to the main library, and Madam Pince can decide what to do with them," he finished dismissively.

"Fine," I agreed. "So, let's get rid of these before we start looking at the keepers, shall we?"

A short while later we had transferred the books we wanted to look at more closely at our leisure into the bedroom, where they were stacked neatly on the table by the fire.

"Where do we start with these? What are we looking for?" I asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Several of them are heavily annotated and revised by hand," Severus said, removing his frock coat and holding it up in one hand while he dusted it down with the other. "I want us to look at why. We need to decide whether Gruber was a complete madman, or an unsung genius."

I watched as his long, tapering fingers removed the dust from his coat with elegant sweeping movements, and sighed as his long hair flicked forward over his face with every stroke he made. I could not take my eyes from him. Trying to concentrate on our conversation, and remembering the scroll I had just read, I asked curiously

"What was his field?"

"Botany, and, to a lesser extent, potions," replied Severus abruptly, now unbuttoning his trousers, stepping out of them gracefully and brushing them down too. He laid them with his frock coat over the back of a chair and turned to me, dressed only in his shirt, boxers and socks. A lazy smile crept over his face as he saw the way I was looking at him.

"What?" he said teasingly.

"Let's not start work on those just yet. Come over here."

He smirked, but made no move.

"And what do you suggest we do instead?" he asked, unbuttoning his shirt deliberately.

Crossing to him, I slid my hands up his chest and slipped the shirt from his shoulders, the magnetic force of our love making us lean into each other. I raised my face to his, searching out his lips for a kiss, but he was evidently in a teasing mood, for I was allowed only the briefest brush of his lips over mine, and then his hair was brushing my cheek as he leant over to whisper in my ear,

"Divestio!"

I was naked, and melted willingly into his embrace. His arms snaked around me and pressed me to him, and I looked up into his eyes, seeing hypnotising lust reflected there. An ache pulled at me, so strongly I felt almost in pain, and my heart, pounding against my chest, was ready to burst with anticipation. His mouth swooped on mine at last, his hair tickling my cheek, kissing the corners of my lips, flicking his tongue over my bottom lip, dipping it inside my mouth until I groaned with pleasure.

He walked me backwards towards the bed and we climbed on as one, burning with our mutual desire. I ached to be possessed by him, and felt myself dissolve in the molten heat of his passion. His mouth felt wonderful as it claimed mine once more, moving over it with an intensity that was almost savage in its passion, a part of my very existence now.

I reached down for him and his breath hissed between his teeth as he pressed against me. He dipped his tongue in my ear and brushed his hand over each of my full breasts in turn. The compelling combination of his fingers and his tongue made me shiver and writhe against him. At last his hand trailed down my body until it reached the burning flesh between my thighs. I sobbed out my pleasure and then held my breath involuntarily as he teased me until I felt I could endure no more. His mouth was on mine again, kissing my lips, then my breasts, biting and licking my nipples until I moved into him and clung with my arms around him, burying my face in his soft, smooth neck.

"He knows me so well," I thought, "He knows every single secret of my body and he worships it with every touch..." I was rising higher all the time, in a warm, wet, delirious wave of feeling, and I knew I needed him inside me, needed him as close as possible.

"Stop, Severus, please!" I begged, pushing him off me and onto his back. He drew me over on to him and I sat astride him, breathless. His eyes bored into me, hypnotising me, holding me, and in answer to my unspoken need he took my hips in his hands and lifted me until I was poised above him. He held me there, still, for a few incandescent moments, and then lowered me gently on to him, exhaling with a groan as he sheathed himself inside me. I felt completed by him, and my eyes rolled back in my head as I surrendered to the wonderful sensations his body provoked. I bore down on him and he in turn drove into me over and over, both of us beyond thought now. A heat burst from him deep inside me, and my body began to tingle as convulsions swept through me. He sat up, clasping his arms around me to hold himself upright, trying to prolong our ecstasy. Finally, once the wildness had faded from his eyes and our breathing had slowed, he flopped back on to the bed, taking me with him so that I lay across him, my head across his breast. I sobbed uncontrollably with sheer love for him, the intensity of my orgasm having overwhelmed me completely.

He stroked my damp hair from my brow, and held me close.

"Are you alright?" he murmured.

"Yes," I gasped, "Oh, yes!"

My eyes were level with his forearm as he stroked me tenderly, and I studied the Dark Mark carefully, crying all the more in the knowledge of what I would be able to do for him. For all that I wanted to savour every single moment I spent with him, still I could not help but wish the time to fly by until the baby was born, so that I would be able to carry out my plan.

Severus pushed me off him after a while in order to turn and spoon into my back. I leaned back into him and sighed contentedly as he nuzzled my neck, enfolding me in his strong embrace. A few moments later, his grip slackened and I felt his breathing slow and deepen. He was slumbering now, and I closed my eyes, stroking his arm gently as it held me, and soon I felt myself begin to sink into that delightful torpor that is the precursor of sleep.

I woke to find Severus nibbling insistently on my ear.

"Mmm," I murmured, stretching luxuriantly and reaching behind my head to touch his cheek.

"We have work to do," he reminded me, nuzzling my hair.

We spent the rest of the day sitting by the fire surrounded by books, engaged in long periods of companionable silence interspersed with heated discussion over ingredients, translations, Gruber's modifications and seemingly pointless discrepancies and divergences from accepted practice. We each played off the other's knowledge, arguing, sparring, yet spurring each other on to new levels of understanding. It was draining, exhausting even, but very rewarding. I was reminded of when we had first met, and had had similar discussions in his office, sitting together at the large table there, our heads bent together until deep into the night. Severus had found another version of the healing balm from the Almanack, in a larger volume of Gruber's containing rare botanical references, and I had seen a spark of intense interest in his eyes as he had shown it me. I had noted that while it contained a detailed recipe there was no mention of the series of incantations and other circumstances as laid out in the almanack, and I assumed that Gruber's notes here predated the Almanack's

Eventually, Severus sat back and threw down the copy of "Magickal Mandragora" he had been studying and ran his hand over his eyes.

"That's it, I've had enough!" he announced tiredly. "Tomorrow we'll try some of these potions. And I'll prove you wrong about the Healing one! The notes suggest it may be effective in the removal of – well, _this_." He thrust out his left arm, almost carelessly, but I saw pain and hope in his eyes. 

"We'll see," I replied, trying delicately to keep our conversation light, not wanting him to dwell on it just yet, "but I think you'll find _my_ translation makes more sense."

"But it isn't absolutely _correct_!"

"I know, but the _sense_ is there. I have a feel for it."  
"A feel for something isn't the same as being right! Potions making is a subtle science – "

" – And an exact art, yes, I know, you've told me."

He raised an eyebrow and continued,

" – And instructions must be followed _to the letter_!"

"Depending on how the letter is _translated_!" I insisted, and we spent the next ten minutes engaged in a very spirited and enjoyable discussion about semantics and etymology, which somehow ended with the removal of all of our clothing.

"Severus, " I panted as he lay me on the bed and covered me with his body, "Why is it that we always end up in bed?"

He stopped kissing my neck for a moment and said huskily,

"Can you think of anywhere better to be?"

I had to admit that I could not, as his mouth burned its way down my body once more.

         ***************************************************************** 

The next few days were blissful for Severus and me. We wandered the grounds and the cloisters freely, simply enjoying the silence and the undisturbed intimacy it afforded us. We could walk along the corridors arm in arm, pausing whenever and wherever we felt the need to steal kisses, without fear of being caught out by speechlessly shocked students. Then, when we were so drunk on desire that we could barely stand, we would return to the dungeons where our bed awaited us, and our lovemaking would make us weep with joy.

One such lazy afternoon had ended like that, and we lay entwined with our noses rubbing together gently as we gazed into one another's eyes. I would have felt completely happy and at peace, but I was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

"My back aches," I complained, and Severus frowned slightly with concern. He began to rub my back gently and said,

"Do you think we overdid it just now?"

"I don't know…no, I don't think so. My tummy feels tight too…I think I'm having contractions."

"_What_?" he said, his eyes widening in alarm as he lifted his head from the pillow. "It's too soon, you can't, not for four more weeks!"

"Oh, well, shall I tell it to _stop_, then?" I snapped sarcastically as I sat up and looked down at myself.

Severus sat cross-legged in front of me and put both of his hands on me.

"Tell me when it happens again," he ordered.

"I can't, it could be half an hour or more, so there's no point in your sitting there like that!"

"What do you mean, half an hour? Have you had these feelings for long?"

"On and off since yesterday, yes."

"Yesterday? And you tell me _now_?"

"Well, at first I thought the baby was just lying awkwardly…"

"Oh, good grief, Ella! What were you thinking? Hah, stupid question, you evidently _weren't_ thinking at all, were you?" he burst out, his voice rising all the time as he spoke.

"This _is_ the first time I've ever _done_ this, you know!" I retorted defensively.

"Right, get dressed," he ordered, leaping off the bed and pulling on his trousers. "Can you walk?"

"Of _course_ I can walk!"

"I'm taking you to see Poppy. Now."

I got up resentfully and glared at him, irritated.

"Don't look at me like that, Ella," he said silkily. "You know I'm right."

"Stop talking to me as if I'm one of your more challenging third years!" I replied petulantly.

"Then stop acting like one!" was his acid retort.

We bickered all the way to the infirmary but we both knew our hearts were not really in it. When I got another stitch in my side again he held me as tenderly as ever, murmuring to me as he rubbed it away, and with a long, passionate kiss at the door to the hospital wing, our argument was forgotten.

Severus hovered anxiously at my bedside while Madam Pomfrey examined me.

"Well?" he demanded as she finished palpating my stomach.

"False labour, that's all. The baby's head hasn't even begun to engage yet. You'd know about it if it had, you'd be very uncomfortable!"

"You mean it gets worse?" I retorted, trying to sit up.

"So, is it coming?" Severus asked impatiently.

"No, Severus, I just explained that!" she replied tetchily. "Ella's body is just having practice contractions, nothing more. Now, Ella dear, just try to carry on as normal. Exercise as much as you can, and keep on – well, keep on doing whatever it is you're doing when you're alone, it will help bring labour on when the baby's ready to face the world."

I blushed and looked at Severus sheepishly, but he was still frowning at Madam Pomfrey and didn't notice.

"Are you absolutely certain?" he pressed.

Madam Pomfrey answered him with a withering look, and turned to go back to her office, calling back,

"Come back next week, Ella, I need to see you more regularly from now on!"


	41. If You Go Away

**Chapter 43**

**_If You Go Away_**

**__**

 Severus had to wait for certain plant extracts from Professor Sprout's greenhouses to be ready before we could attempt the modified Healing Potion, and since it appeared to be very similar to the one in the secret almanac, I was very keen to see whether it alone would have any effect on the Dark Mark. Our success, or failure, would have ramifications on what Hermione and I were to attempt. In the mean time, I had snatched only scant moments alone where I could safely peruse the volume without fear of interruption. Having pored over all those books with Severus in the preceding days, I had acquired an adeptness at translating Professor Gruber's arcane addenda, and felt confident now that my translation of the circumstances required for the removal of the Dark Mark was accurate.

The almanac's instructions were explicit and when translated appeared in verse form;

'Milk of the mother freely given will aid the One with curses riven.

Both shall be drunk in passion's thrall, only then shall Love's power cure all.

The bird shall share before it burns, a feather and a tear One earns

The poultice placed, the scream resound, the One will to the One stay bound

One's and one's their power be used, One will know, One's trust abused.'

I prayed that my interpretation of those words was correct, and resolved to discuss my findings with Hermione on her return. Then all I had to do was learn the Latin incantations, which had to be cast in sequence, and finally keep our secret until after the baby was born. I believed that the latter part would be the hardest.

At last Professor Sprout announced that the plant extracts were ready, giving them to Severus over breakfast one morning. His eyes glittered strangely as he took the vials from her, and he held them up to the light, examining them closely. Eventually he said in a hoarse voice,

"We'll start at once," before concealing them in an inner pocket of his robes. I placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Are you alright?"

He gave a small, tight-lipped smile.

"I'm eager to start, that's all."

He said no more, frowning into the middle distance as he held a mug of steaming coffee between his hands. My heart went out to him. I wanted to reach inside him and stroke his soul. I wanted to take his head in my hands and pull him to my breast, to tell him it's alright, it's alright, don't worry. I was so painfully aware of his anguish at the permanence of the stain on his arm, which he saw as a stain on his soul, and I swore to myself that I would heal him.

We returned to the dungeons and Severus set up two small cauldrons at the end of the classroom. Once they were bubbling away with a mixture of water and extract of arnica, we set about grinding the dried ingredients with mortars and pestles. Soon, we had two batches of the basic burns healing potion so commonly used in the wizarding world. Next, we each added those other ingredients so meticulously listed by Professor Gruber. Severus followed the literal translation's instructions, while overseeing my work, which followed my instinctual interpretation of the arcane words. Soon, Severus' potion was a clear green, while mine was a muddier version of the same hue.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he worked. He was so single-minded, so intent on what he was doing. I gazed at his hawk-like profile; his strong nose, with its diamond shape at the top that always made me compare him to a beautiful, haughty stallion, the full, sensual curve of his lips, grimly set now in concentration, his brow furrowed, his hair falling unheeded over his face and clinging damply to his cheek as he bent over the steaming cauldron. I felt almost jealous of that small, squat cauldron's having the undivided attention of such a wonder, as he ran his hands above it, adding pinches of this, vials of that, muttering softly half under his breath, his wand emitting small guttering sparks as he spoke, never taking his eyes from its simmering depths. I had become used to such single-minded intensity being focussed on me, and me alone, and I felt its sudden absence as if I had suddenly been left out in the ice and snow of an arctic winter, naked and shivering, the bright, blinding blackness of his attention diverted from me. And then he looked over the cauldron, straight at me, his eyes burning into mine even through the blurring steam, and I was bathed in his brilliance once more.

"How's yours doing?" he asked, his low voice carrying over the hissing and bubbling from our twin cauldrons and stealing into my head, sinuously wrapping itself around my irrational thoughts and squeezing until they vanished into nothing. Warmed through by his attention, I resisted the sudden urge to drop everything and obey my body's call, and realised suddenly that I needed to add the ingredient still clutched in my hand. It fell, and the cauldron spat.

"It's fine!" I croaked, swallowing hard. He smiled briefly and bent his head to his work once more. I shook myself and followed his example, smiling inwardly at the effect he still had on me. 

He sauntered over to my cauldron a short while later, and peered into it suspiciously, his casual front belying the tension I knew had him coiled like an over-wound spring.

"I don't like the look of yours!" he observed laconically. Humouring him, I shrugged,

"Doesn't matter what it looks like. You'll see, I'm right."

"Hmph."

He looked at me, raising an eyebrow. I smiled reassuringly, seeing the anxiety behind his casual demeanour.

"I've finished," I announced. "I have to wait two hours and twelve minutes, then strain it through linen."

"…While I have to wait two hours and twenty minutes, and strain mine through muslin!"

"Which means we have over two hours for lunch and…recreation!" I smiled, reaching up to stroke his cheek.

After lunch, we returned to the dungeons. Severus became very preoccupied, and the remainder of the two hours was spent anxiously checking the hourglass in his office. All I could do was wait with him. I knew it was fruitless to try to distract him, and inappropriate to use my feminine wiles on him in such a situation. I understood his suffering only too well and would not insult or belittle its importance. And I, too, became more and more anxious as the time dragged on, sitting silently by the fireside while Severus paced up and down the length of his office, raking his hair from his face impatiently at regular intervals. At length, I ventured,

"Let's go back into the classroom, love. We can use the hourglass in there, then we can at least watch what's happening."

He glanced at me, a haunted expression in his eyes that made me want to cry for him, and nodded, pacing out through the connecting door before I had even risen to my feet. I followed slowly to find him standing between the two cauldrons, looking into each in turn, muttering under his breath,

"It doesn't look right, it can't be right, it won't work, neither of them will work…"

I put my hand on his shoulder and he turned to face me. Reaching up, I cupped his cheek in my hand and gazed at him searchingly.

"I understand, Severus. I know how much you want these to work. But if they don't, we just try again, that's all!"

He closed his eyes and drew me to him with a heavy sigh, and we held one another until the hourglass told us it was time.

The straining process was straightforward, and soon we had two glass bowls filled with liquid, one bright green and clear as it had been over two hours before, the other, mine, a muddy brown now. Folding two pieces of linen, Severus dipped one into his brew and applied it to the Dark Mark on his arm, pressing down hard with his right hand and gritting his teeth in pain.

"Argh!"

"Severus, are you alright?"

"Yes!" he gasped, before removing the poultice and looking down at his forearm. The Mark was unchanged.

"Now yours," he said grimly, taking the other piece of cloth.

"Let me," I offered, wanting to let him lean on me, psychologically if not physically. I placed it, saturated with my concoction, over the Dark Mark, and with bated breath held it firmly in place.

"Gnnh!" Severus cried, throwing his head back in pain. Alarmed, but nevertheless pierced by a sudden, quick excitement, I removed the linen and anxiously examined the scar, certain that surely it must have changed. 

It had faded, only in parts, but I was sure that its newly blotchy appearance was due to more than just the heat of the poultice scalding his skin.  I raised my eyes to his face. He was staring down at the Mark in disbelief, his brow knotted as he realised that my potion had had some small effect. I was exultant, my heart swelling with excitement, but then his face changed once more, and bitter frustration clouded his eyes. Casting my eyes downward once more to the ugly scar on his arm, I stared and stared. Disappointment began to wash over me as I realised that there was now no discernable change from before. Whatever effect the potion had had was transitory. Severus wrenched his arm from my grasp and paced across to the window, holding his arm inches from his face, which twisted in anguish as he realised that both potions had failed.

I walked up to him.

"Did the second one feel any different?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes, it hurt more!" he snarled, turning his back on me abruptly as I touched him.

"We'll try again, love!"

"What's the point?" he said bitterly. "I'm stuck with it for the rest of my miserable life!"

"We'll find a way, love! _Something_ happened just then!"

"Hah!"

"We will! I promise!"

His shoulders slumped and he turned to me, his head bent. I took him in my arms and he rested his head on my shoulder as I stroked his hair, wishing I could reassure him that I had at least had a hint that the poultice I had made would work when combined with the rest of Gruber's procedure. He took a deep, shuddering breath at last and straightened, and we walked slowly arm in arm back through the classroom to his office, locking the door behind us and continuing into our bedroom, where Severus sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh, rubbing his eyes.

"Are you alright?" I asked gently.

"I will be. I shouldn't have had such unreasonable expectations at such an early stage. _What_ was that?"

A loud crash followed by the tinkling sound of shattering glass had come from the other side of the wall.

"Let's go and see what they've done," I said grimly as we hastened to our new quarters to find the house elves.

By the time we had picked our way through the shards of broken glass that made a crunchy carpet of the slate floor, only Dobby and Winky were left. They stood by the windows looking sheepish.

"Dobby is very sorry, Mistress Ella Redemte, but Dobby will be mending the chandelier! Dobby didn't know he should not sit on it to clean it!"

"It's okay, Dobby, we can fix it."

I began to perform the necessary charms, and only noticed a few moments later that Severus was standing at one of the windows with his back to the room. He seemed tense, and clutched his arms around him.

"What's up?" I asked, putting my hand on his shoulder. He flinched, and when he turned to me his face was ashen.

"Severus?" I said, concerned now. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, of course! I just - feel unwell. It's, er, the disappointment, I think!" he explained. I frowned, perplexed. "Er...can you manage this on your own? I, er, just need a quick word with Albus. I won't be long."

With a lingering kiss on my forehead, he strode across to the newly cleaned and polished fireplace, took a small tin of Floo powder from his pocket and said,

"Albus Dumbledore's office!" disappearing in a flash of green flame before I had the chance to insist he told me what it was that he was keeping from me. Annoyed now, I finished repairing the chandelier with a few more muttered charms.

The rooms were finished now. They were spotless and shining, filled with light and warmth. The floors were highly polished and the slate almost glowed, such were its rich and varied hues.

"Retail therapy, that's what I need," I thought to myself ironically. "I'll go and spend all his money on furniture, that'll teach him to keep secrets from me! When on earth is he coming back anyway?"

I instructed Dobby and a still-tearful Winky to set about making the doorway between our bedroom and the new living room, and I went to sit in Severus' office out of the way while they knocked down part of the wall, having impressed on them that the work had to be completed by nightfall. I sat in Severus' battered old armchair and stared into the flames, wondering how long he would be. I was soon answered, for as I watched the fire a spinning head appeared in the flames. It was Severus and he looked grim as he said,

"Ella, would you come to Albus' office, please?"

I sighed. I didn't want to trek all the way to the Headmaster's office. Eight months into my pregnancy it seemed like a major expedition. I would have to go by Floo. Reluctantly I took a handful of Floo powder from the jar on the mantelpiece and threw it in to the fire. As the flames turned green I gritted my teeth, shouted "Albus Dumbledore's office!" and stepped in.

Severus was there to catch me as I fell out at the other end, and even when I had regained my balance he did not let me go. He held me fast to him and I knew at once that something was badly wrong.

"What? What is it? Tell me!" I asked tremulously.

Severus released me slowly, looking at me with anguish and uncharacteristic fear. The cuff of his left sleeve was unfastened, and he didn't take his eyes from mine as he rolled it up as far as his elbow. My hand flew to my mouth in horror as he did so. I didn't even need to see it to know what was wrong, but when I did I gasped with shock all the same. The Dark Mark was now a deep, livid red.

"Oh, Severus, no!" 

"I'm sorry, Ella!"

"When – when did it come back?"

"I felt it before – just as we went into our new room. A sudden, burning pain. It wasn't anything to do with the poultices. I knew exactly what it was. Hah! I even knew the exact shade of red it would be!"

"But what does it mean?" I asked, taking a step towards him and hugging him tightly as he stroked my back and hair.

"We can't be certain," said Dumbledore, "but we think it must mean that Malfoy and Fudge have found Voldemort and are helping him regain his strength. And that is not all, Ella. I have been informed that Narcissa and Draco Malfoy left Malfoy Manor two days ago, very suddenly. Draco appeared to be very upset. If they have joined Lucius, then Draco may very well have good reason to be worried…I have sent owls asking Remus and Sirius to return to Hogwarts immediately. I am afraid that there is no other way we can proceed."

"No!" I cried, pulling away from Severus as I turned on the Headmaster now that I had begun to comprehend his meaning. "No, you can't send Severus away! I need him here! And – and – the healing balms, we need to do more tests! He won't be safe! Voldemort knows about him now, don't put him in danger!" I turned back to look at Severus desperately. "You can't _do_ this any more!"

"Ella, come on. Let's go back. We'll talk about this. Come on."

Numbed, I let Severus lead me back to the fireplace and we returned to our room together. Alone again, the house elves thankfully having finished the job in record time, Severus and I sat down together and I buried my face in his neck, clinging to him as if my sanity depended on it.

"You _can't_ go! Not now! Aren't there enough aurors? Why do _you_ have to go?"

"There'll be aurors as well, but this thing on my arm - well, it might as well be a homing beacon, Ella, you know that. I can help find them. I _have_ to, it's my duty."

"What about your duty to me? You asked me to be your _wife_!"

"And you _will_ be! In fact, I want you to start planning the wedding while I'm away. It'll give you something else to - take your mind off things..."

"Oh, don't be so bloody patronising!" I shouted at him. "How on _earth_ - _how_, exactly, am I supposed to not worry myself sick over this?"

"You're talking as if I might not come back!"

I looked at him, amazed.

"How can you _do_ that? How can you just _say _that, put my greatest fear into words like that?"

"Because I _will_ come back. I _will_, Ella. I'll be fine!"

"You might get yourself _killed_!" I cried.

"No I won't," he said firmly, taking my face in his hands as if to emphasise his words. "I have too much to live for now to let that happen. And we might not even find them."

I closed my eyes, causing my unshed tears to spill out now from beneath my lashes and roll down my cheeks. His thumbs, then his lips, brushed them away, and then he gave a heavy sigh and simply held me, his head bent down over mine so that we rested cheek on cheek.

"How long before you have to go?" I whispered eventually.

"Tonight will be our last night together for a while," he admitted.

"Oh!"

Being held by him felt so right. He was so strong, and he made me feel so safe. I didn't want to remember what separation from him was like. I kissed his cheek tenderly, breathing in his familiar, comforting scent, and he looked down at me sadly.

"Let me make love to you, Ella?"

"Why do I get the feeling that that sentence should finish with 'for the last time'?" I said querulously.

"Don't, love. Please. Nothing will keep me away from you. And I'll be back for the birth of my baby, too, whenever it is."

We undressed one another slowly then, savouring every button undone, every inch of skin exposed, as if we needed to imprint it on our memories. When at last we stood before one another, our mutual desire as naked as our bodies, it seemed to me that time froze, and for an infinitely long moment there we were, looking on one another as if we had never truly seen them before.

"I know you better than I know myself," I whispered, hypnotised, falling into his fathomless eyes.

"Then you must know that I'll come back to be your husband," he replied simply, taking my hand and leading me to our bed.

I lay on my side and Severus lay behind me, letting his hands dance across my breasts and my stomach, kissing my shoulders and then slowly moving down to cover my back in feather light kisses, his questing tongue and long locks of silky hair accentuating the delicately sweet sensations. When he reached the small of my back I shivered and whimpered softly, a tingling spreading outwards and making me wriggle, but I couldn't move because his arm was firmly around my waist now, his fingers splayed out across my stomach the better to embrace his child.

He kissed his way around to my stomach, climbing over me and turning me so that I lay on my back. I could feel his erection as it brushed across my thighs, and I stretched down my arm, trying to reach his soft, velvety smoothness. He moaned as I captured him gently and ran my nails delicately along his shaft, and kissed his way back up to my breasts, engulfing first one nipple and then the other with his loving mouth, sucking them and brushing his tongue over the tips firmly, one at a time, making hard, aching peaks of them until I tangled my fingers in his hair, pressing down his head to urge him on.

Meanwhile his hand had made its way down to the thatch of hair below my swollen belly, exploring my valleys and folds so tenderly I arched into his touch and begged for more. At last his middle finger slipped between my glistening folds, eliciting a moan of pleasure from each of us as he drew out still more of my wetness.

"Severus…no-one's like you, Severus…aaah…"

Moving his hand slowly back and forth he lifted his head to watch me, and I pulled it up towards me so that I could kiss him, sucking hungrily on his lower lip. He growled hungrily, and kissed me with a fierce, claiming possessiveness that bruised my lips and left me gasping and bereft as he finally pulled away, the burning passion in his beautiful black eyes silencing any complaint I might have made. 

He knelt on the bed then, and positioned me so that I lay down in front of him, my hips raised off the bed so that they could rest over his thighs. His excitement was obvious, and I was panting with desire for him.

"Now! Now!" I moaned, and his glistening tip, poised at my entrance, was pushed gently inside me and I manoeuvred myself further down the bed so that I could hold every last inch of him deep inside me. We had been made for one another, and I had always known it. He felt wonderful, a perfect fit, and I groaned in ecstasy as he began to rock his hips slowly, sensually, his eyes half closed, a smile playing around his sensual lips. His pubic bone was perfectly positioned to stimulate me, so as he thrust in and out his hands were both free to knead my breasts and gently pinch my aching nipples. I was ready to climax on several occasions, but he was in control and he knew exactly how to play me by now, so he would slow down or even stop each time he sensed my climax getting too close. I was whimpering with frustration before long, and his eyes were burning into mine, searing my soul, and daring me to object.

"I never knew, Ella…I never knew it…  could feel this way… the way… it always feels…with you… like… home…aaah!"

His own breathing quickened then, and I realised that he would not be able to hold out for much longer. I tightened my muscles around him, making him moan with passion and cry out my name, and then I was coming, up and up, past that sweet inexorability, and he didn't stop, he just kept on and on, thrusting into me, grinding against me, and the heat of our love was all around us as my world exploded and I bucked and writhed under him, my fingers digging into his knees. I had long since forgotten where he ended and I started. He held my hips and pressed into me, holding me there as he climaxed, shouting out in abandon, professing his love for me over and over.

I wept then, shuddering with the emotion of my release, and he lay down beside me, pulling me into his arms and whispering my name again and again into my hair, his body shaking spasmodically as he lay pressed to me, so close, always so close.

We didn't talk at all that night about our enforced separation the following day. Our lovemaking was interspersed with short periods of sleep, rather than the other way round. We wanted to make the most of our remaining time together and in spite of my advanced condition I desired him as much as I ever had. But more than that, I loved him completely, and he loved me, and being together that night, our bodies, hearts and minds concentrating completely on each other without distraction, was all that we wanted. Entwined throughout the night, it seemed to me as if we were each trying to commit the smallest aspect of the other's face to memory; each line, each wrinkle, each blemish, every beloved detail, using fingertips, eyes and lips.

Morning raced to greet us. As dawn broke and the room lightened, Severus extinguished the candles that had bathed us in their warm glow through the night, in order to try to keep some darkness for a little while longer. But the dawn was not fooled, and it stole in relentlessly until we could no longer pretend we still had time.

Severus held me tightly and pressed his lips against my forehead, before releasing me and turning away from me to get up. He sat for a moment on the edge of the bed, his head bowed.

"Severus..." I began, my voice trembling as I reached over to him.

"Don't!" he whispered, his voice cracking, and he stood reluctantly to go to the bathroom. I watched his halting step through a blur of unshed tears and as soon as I heard the shower start I let myself sob, trying to muffle the sound in his pillow.

By the time he emerged from the bathroom, my beloved Adonis with a green towel wrapped around his waist while he used a second to rub his wet hair, I was dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed. He stopped when he saw me, and twisted the smaller towel between his hands as he stared at me.

"You look tired," he said softly.

"I can catch up," I replied, trying for his sake to hold on to some composure.

He looked away then, walking slowly across to the wardrobe and selecting his clothes; black jeans, a black shirt, black jacket.

"Muggle clothes?" I asked.

"We don't know which world we'll need to be in," he replied dismissively. "Muggle or wizard, we should blend in."

He sounded stiff now, and I knew he was hardening his heart to me, to ease the pain of our parting. I wanted to tell him that it would not work, that I had always been able to see behind his mask and never more so than now, but I sensed that he was distancing himself as much for his sake as for mine, so I decided to play along.

He dressed quickly, with his back to me, and I watched him with an ache in my soul, holding back my urge to run to him, fasten myself to him. When he turned back to me his eyes were haunted and I got to my feet and simply held out my hand to him.

"We'd better go and meet the others," I said steadily.

"I need to give you these first," he remembered, crossing over to his dresser. "Here's the key to my vault at Gringotts, and a letter for the cashier. In case you decide to go shopping."

"To take my mind off you? Won't work!" I said, too brightly, knowing that his true motivation for entrusting me with his vault key was far less frivolous than a shopping expedition.

Taking my hand, he squeezed it briefly and took a last look around him. I noticed it, and my heart lurched. However much he tried to reassure me, he must also have been worried he may not return.

I think we both realised that we had said our real goodbyes in our bed during the night, but the actual moment of our parting was still supremely painful for me, and for Severus too, though he was trying to keep his face free of any expression.

We met the Headmaster outside the main doors, on the front lawn, where he was waiting with Sirius, who was dressed all in leather, and Harry. Remus, in grey chinos and fleece jacket, stood a little way off with Hermione, wrapped together, still as statues save for Remus' hand on Hermione's hair.

"Well, this is it," said Severus to me, unnecessarily.

I flung my arms around his neck and he hugged me fiercely.

"Come back to me!" I whispered.

"Don't worry. I'll be back soon. Plan our wedding, for as soon as you like. The sooner the better. Promise me?"

"I promise. Oh Severus, we've already lost each other too many times!"

"Which is why we won't be doing it again!"

"I don't want you to get yourself killed!"

"Oh Ella, love, I _won't_!" he replied earnestly. "I've got too much to live for! And I'll be with you when the baby comes, I _swear_!"

"You'd better be!"

"I want to look at our child, and see _you_ in its face."

The intensity of his gaze as he said this was too much for me to bear and I closed my eyes and kissed him fervently. We clung together with such ferocity that it seemed we could make the rest of the world disappear if only we could hold on tight enough. We couldn't, of course, and I heard Sirius murmur to Severus,

"Come on, mate. It's almost time."

Reluctantly, and with some difficulty, Severus disentangled himself from me and, fingering the emerald at my breast, said to me,

"Watch over me. You wear both emeralds now, and I'll know you're there."

Then, trying to smile comfortingly, he turned abruptly and strode after Sirius and Remus, who had just relinquished Hermione's hand. The three of them walked side by side, Remus, Sirius and Severus, and when they had reached the required distance from us, they stopped and picked up an empty flowerpot from the lawn. They each put one hand on the Portkey, and Severus turned his head to look at me as it activated and took him away.

                    ********************************************************

Author's Note:

Yes, I know, I've done it again! I'm just addicted to angst! Please show your "displeasure" by leaving a review!


	42. You Don't Know How Many Times I've Wishe...

Chapter 44 

You Don't Know How Many Times I've Wished That I Could Hold You

As soon as they had gone I had let out a cry of anguish and surrendered to the misery I felt sure would overwhelm me. I wished for numbness, but instead felt too keenly the aching absence of him, an overpowering, fist clenching hollowness inside me that folded me in on myself while setting my jangling nerves on edge. Hermione hugged me, sobbing, and Harry awkwardly put his arms round us both. Professor Dumbledore said in a kindly voice,

"I find hot chocolate and crumpets to be a comfort at times like these. Follow me to the kitchens."

I sat down at the end of one of the long tables, next to Hermione. The mundane surroundings and the expectation of conformity implicit in the Headmaster's mien impelled me to bite back an agonised scream, so I sat in silence nursing my thoughts. The house elves busied themselves around us and soon we were presented with mugs of frothy hot chocolate and a large plate piled high with hot buttered crumpets. The Headmaster helped himself, and when nobody followed suit simply said mildly,

"Anyone would think I had sent them to certain death!"

"How can you be so sure you haven't?" asked Harry sullenly.

If Dumbledore was shocked by the insolence in Harry's tone he didn't show it.

"Ah, Harry, I do not pretend to be a seer, Divination is Professor Trelawney's field," - Hermione snorted at this- "but of one thing I can be certain, and that is that the world is turning as it always does, and events will take their course accordingly."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked the Headmaster, challenging him with my gaze. He simply smiled and said,

"It means, my dear, that I must insist that you and Severus be married by the time school reopens in September. It is time I paid more heed to the moral example being set to my students. The governors are still recovering from the revelation of your pregnancy, and we are fortunate indeed, in one respect, that Mr Malfoy has left the governing body in some considerable disarray!"

"Yes, I realise that. I'm sorry, Headmaster." I mumbled.

"Well then, well then." He stood up, producing a purple handkerchief and wiping melted butter from his beard. "Start making your plans, Ella. _All_ of them. The summer will have passed before you know it, and there is much to be done! I am always at your disposal," he finished meaningfully before walking slowly over to the fireplace, and disappearing in a puff of green smoke.

"Dumbledore's right," said Harry decisively after the three of us had sat in silence for a while.

"About what?" I asked morosely.

"Your wedding. You need to decide what you want to do. Professor Snape would want you to, wouldn't he?"

"Yes, he does...but not now. Not today," I whispered, hiding my face in my hands. Hermione snuffled into a handkerchief and I put my arm around her shoulders, trying to comfort her, remembering that I was not the only one to be worried. "But - maybe tomorrow. Hey, Hermione, you will be my bridesmaid, won't you?"

She lifted her tearstained face to mine and smiled weakly.

"Thanks, Ella. I'd love to."

Now I would have to pull myself together for her sake, I thought, as Harry smiled at me ruefully in silent understanding.

              ************************************************************

"Where did your mum and dad get married?" Hermione asked me the following afternoon as we sat on the front lawn. Harry had just left for The Burrow, to spend some time with Ron and Ginny.

"Not sure, I wasn't around at the time!" I said dryly.

"Well, was it wizard or Muggle?"

"Oh, Muggle. In a church, near to where they lived back then."

"So, do you want to do the same?

"No! I mean, the frothy dress would be nice, sort of, and the cars, and the fuss...but it wouldn't be me! Severus has never lived in the Muggle world, and I can't imagine him enjoying any of it, can you?"

Hermione laughed.

"No, especially not the cars! So, a wizard wedding? For his sake?"

"If I knew what one was! Yes, a wizard wedding. For my sake too, though. I just - I just want something simple, and private, and special - somewhere quiet, and familiar...I want to feel comfortable. Oh, and I _definitely_ want to take his breath away when he sees me!"

"So, a frothy dress, then?"

"Hah! No, not frothy. Frothy isn't me _at all_! I might see what Madam Malkin can come up with."

"Right then, that's the dress covered - we can make an appointment for later this week." Hermione was now in briskly efficient mode, and I smiled wryly to myself as she continued, "Now, when?"

"Well, some time soon, definitely before September."

"So, that just leaves...who to invite, and where? Oh, and who'll officiate?"

"I need to see Professor Dumbledore. He'll know whom to ask. And I want us to get married here...at Hogwarts!" I decided, looking up at the castle fondly.

"Brilliant! Where?"

"Er..."

"You aren't very good at this, are you?"

I laughed sheepishly.

"You have to think of somewhere important to you both."

"Here! Hogwarts!"

"More specific?"

"Our bed..." I mumbled in an undertone.

"_Ella_!"

"Oh, _I _don't know! Come on, help me up, let's go for a walk and see if inspiration strikes me!"

We walked around the perimeter of the castle until we reached the lake, and Godric's Seat. I sat down on it heavily and Hermione joined me.

"How about here?" she suggested eagerly.

"Yeah, right, a Gryffindor _would_ say that!"

"Mmm. Well, maybe not, then."

We sat in companionable silence for a while, enjoying the view.

"Godric Gryffindor had the right idea, though, didn't he?" mused Hermione.

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"This view. It's _lovely_ here. The lake, the mountains..."

"I bet you'd get a brilliant view of the school and the grounds from over there," I said, nodding across to the foothills rising up into the mountains on the other side of the lake.

"Yes, you would!" breathed Hermione, turning to me wide-eyed.

"Oh, yes, he'd love it, wouldn't he?" I smiled, and we laughed together. For the first time since Severus had left, I felt a lightness in my heart and I knew I had made the right choice.

We spoke to the Headmaster about it at dinner that night. Since so few of us were there, similar seating arrangements to those of the Christmas holidays had been made, and the atmosphere was both informal and intimate, no mean feat in a room the size of the Great Hall. The Headmaster was intrigued by my choice of location, and became most interested in how we were going to accomplish it.

"Might I make a suggestion, since I doubt very much that you will want to fly across the lake on a broomstick in all your undoubted finery?"

"Oh, please do! I was hoping you could come up with something!"

"Well, most of the wedding party can fly there. But for you, and your maid of honour, I suggest an altogether more sedate mode of transport. I suggest you cross the lake by boat, and hold the ceremony at the lakeside."

I beamed at him, saying

"Thank you, Headmaster! That sounds wonderful!"

"Albus, Ella. Do call me Albus!"

Hermione looked very relieved to find out that she would not have to fly across the lake, but then asked something that had not crossed my mind.

"Er…about the lake?" she squeaked. "Will you have a word with the merpeople beforehand, and, er, ask them to keep an eye on the giant squid?"

"Ah, yes, and I will, of course, make sure that my strongest enchantments are in place!" he twinkled.

The Headmaster had an old friend who was very well respected in the wizarding world, a member of the Order of Merlin called Antrobus Firkin, whom, he said, would be delighted to officiate at our wedding, and he would be free the first weekend in August, and so it was set.

I decided to leave the guest list in Hermione's capable hands. There was no-one from my past whom I particularly wanted to attend, apart from my old friend Roan, the sculptor, and since he was in any case too infirm to travel, the problem of his being a Muggle, and therefore unaware of the world to which I had returned, was irrelevant.

Severus, I knew, had a younger brother with whom he had fallen out of touch, so Hermione decided to consult Albus Dumbledore as to the possibility of inviting him. Otherwise, all the guests would be known to us through the school, or Beauxbatons, and I was glad of that, and knew Severus would be too.

The days dragged, and in spite of the plans I was busy making, I was miserable without Severus. There was an empty space encompassing all of my heart, and only he could fill it and relieve the gnawing ache it caused me. Since I could no longer manage to climb the long, steep spiral staircase that led to the top of the Astronomy Tower, I had to find a more suitable location in which to do my moping. I chose the Silent Quadrangle, which was very peaceful and something of a suntrap in the afternoons. I would sit on the bench in the middle, next to the Mute Swan Fountain from which water cascaded noiselessly, and would stare at the Whispering Cloisters that surrounded the quadrangle, remembering the many occasions on which Severus and I had walked through them, blissfully, and unaware that we would soon be separated once more.

I fell asleep there one afternoon, and when Hermione came looking for me she found me snoring softly with my head thrown back. She woke me to inform me that with my colouring I really ought to consider using a sunscreen, pointing out that my nose was now a most distinctive shade of crimson. Mortified, I let her accompany me to the dungeons, where we hurriedly made good use of a small amount of the healing balm on my sunburnt nose before settling down at the round desk in Severus' office to work on our interpretation of the text in the almanac.

"I agree with your translation, Ella, but it's all so cryptic! What do you suppose it actually _means_?"

"Well, the two Ones are us, Severus and me. They _must_ be. The healer and the healed. I'm the One who knows, so he must be the One whose trust is abused. I think that means I need to keep it secret from him. Till I'm actually doing it. He mustn't know, or else I'm afraid he might go all protective of me and try and stop me."

"But when you start, he'll know you're up to something!"

"I know, so I'll have to restrain him. I think I'll tie him to the bed," I mused.__

Hermione's eyes widened and she gaped at me.

"Oh, it'll be fine!" I reassured her. "He'll think it's a game."

"Oh, right!" she said, blushing furiously at the thought of her erstwhile potions master indulging in such pastimes. 

"Yes, well..." I muttered, keen to change the subject. "The 'passion's thrall' bit - "

" - Is pretty self-explanatory, yes!" she interrupted hurriedly. "Basically, you need to tie him up and have your evil way with him, then catch him in an, erm, unguarded moment?"

"Exactly! And the mother's milk, well, I'll be feeding the baby myself, of course, so I hope he'll be willing to…well, actually, I'm pretty sure he will, he's _definitely_ got a thing about my, er…"

"What about the screaming part?" Hermione interrupted determinedly.

"The poultice hurts. It stings. I know that, we've both used it now. My nose is _still_ tingling! And the power of one plus one, not capitalised, can't mean him and me again, so I'm not sure about that part..." I frowned, perplexed.

"Your two wands!" she replied emphatically. "You need to say the incantations using _both wands_! You'll need to get it off him, discreetly…does he ever leave it lying around?"

"Oh yes...on the bedside cabinet, usually. And anyway, he'll be tied up, he won't be able to stop me. If I'm quick enough."
    
    Hermione groaned and covered her face with her hands.

"Oh, no!"

"What?"

"I've just realised! You can't use his _own wand_ against him! It won't work!"

"No, it'll work, I'm sure it will! I won't be using it to do him _harm_, I don't have any ill will!"

"But how do you _know_ it'll work?"

"I've used his wand before."

"On him? What spell?"

"Divestio," I grinned, "And it worked perfectly then!"

"Oh, thanks for _that_ mental image, Ella!" she retorted, rolling her eyes. "Still, it's a good sign. And as long as he isn't trying to counter the spell..."

"Hmm. It would be just like him to try…I'll just have to hope he doesn't. Anyway, that brings us to...the bit about One being bound to One. Hermione, I've been reading the marriage service, it talks about being _bound_ to one another! We need to be married! It all _fits_! Once we're married, and the baby's born, I can heal him!"

"As long as Gruber's procedure is right, and we've interpreted it properly! You _really_ need to go and see the Headmaster."

"I suppose..." I sighed. "But I really don't want to...well, go into detail! The thought of it makes me cringe with embarrassment. Although he can probably read me like a book anyway."

"Hmm, he does that, doesn't he?" she agreed. "But you must. You need Fawkes! 'A tear and a feather', look, here's the reference. You add the tear to the balm in advance, and steep a feather in it until you're ready to apply it to his arm. "

"Fawkes helped him once before," I remembered, thinking back to the time when Severus had nearly died. It seemed so long ago now, but the recollection still sent a chill through me. "Hermione, what if Dumbledore tries to talk me out of it?"

"Why would he do that? He seems very fond of Professor Snape," Hermione reassured me.

"I don't know. You know, when I think back, he's always been so cryptic - like he knows something about me and Severus that we don't even know ourselves!"

Hermione looked perplexed, and simply replied,

"Well, then...maybe he does!! Er...does that make you feel any better about his confidence that Remus and Sirius and Professor Snape will be okay?"

I ran my hand over my eyes with a heavy sigh.

"I suppose it _should_. But no, it doesn't, not really! I won't dare feel better until they're home!" I answered ruefully.
    
            **********************************************************************

I decided to go and see the Headmaster the following afternoon. The password allowing access to the huge stone phoenix and the vertiginously spiralling staircase had been changed to 'Saltwater Taffy', and I mused on what that exotic confection could possibly taste like as I made my ascent.

Professor Dumbledore was standing near to one of the windows as I entered his office, making adjustments to the sight of a large, highly polished brass telescope.

"Ah, Ella, here you are! I have been expecting you!"

"Really? Have you? Oh. I, er, should have asked beforehand, now might not be convenient for you, I'm sorry..." I stammered, becoming more and more nervous and backing out of the room.

"Not at all, dear girl! As I have said, I was expecting you!" he twinkled, offering me a chair by the fire. "Do sit down! And would you like something to drink? Pumpkin juice, perhaps?"

"Yes, thank you Headmaster," I replied, sitting down gratefully and trying to steady my nerve. With a wave of his fingers a small table appeared between our two armchairs, on which stood two tall frosted glasses of pumpkin juice and a plate of chocolate éclairs. I tried to stop my hand from trembling as I picked up my glass and took a long draught from it. Professor Dumbledore leaned forward in his chair and peered at me over the top of his half-moon spectacles.

"How is Severus?" he asked mildly, nodding to the emerald at my breast. My hand reached up to clutch it instinctively and I rubbed my thumb over its smooth warm surfaces as I answered,

"Somewhere desolate, and barren, but he looks okay. They all do."

"Very good. But, ah, I do believe you came to see me today on a different, although, ah, related matter? You wanted to ask me about Fawkes?"

He smiled at me, and looked over to the slumbering red-feathered bird on its gilded stand beside his desk. Fawkes gave a sleepy squawk and his beak opened in what I assumed was the avian equivalent of a yawn, before opening one golden eye and looking across at us curiously, cocking his head to one side.

"Yes, it is about Fawkes. How did you know?" The Headmaster simply smiled enigmatically. Emboldened by the warmth of the stone in my hand and the knowledge of what I had planned for the one whose face I pored over in it countless times each day, I continued, "You told me you weren't a seer. How is it that you know so much?"

"About you?"

"Yes! Me, Severus, our relationship - and the book!"

"It is time I explained what I know about you, Ella. What I have known almost these last two years."

My eyes widened in surprise and I sat back in my chair as he settled down in his, tenting his fingers.

"I am not a seer, Ella. I have never misled you in that regard. Nor in any other," he added, seeing the incomprehension in my expression. "No, I have never been dishonest. But, I have allowed certain omissions in my relations with you, I allow that much."

"I - I don't understand!"

"Sybill Trelawney has only ever made three predictions while in my employ that could be considered, well, genuine."

I looked at him dubiously and he smiled.

"Yes, yes, I see that that is three more than you would have expected her to have made! Nevertheless, it is true. Severus can vouch for the accuracy of the first two, but he does not know about the third."

"Because - because it concerns him?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Because it concerns _both_ of you," he corrected gently. "Professor Trelawney rarely descends from her tower to join us lesser mortals. Only when she feels she has something of value to impart does she grace us with her presence."

I glanced at him sceptically and took my glass of pumpkin juice and an éclair, more relaxed now, and settled back into my chair feeling rather like a child ready for a bedtime story but hoping that it would be something more substantial than a fairy tale.

"One day, almost exactly two years ago, she requested an audience with me. I invited her for tea, and she sat where you are sitting now."

"What did she want to tell you?"

"Oh, some nonsense about young Harry," he replied with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I can scarcely remember the details, but it involved a particularly gruesome death for the poor boy."

I sniggered, covering my mouth with my hand.

"I'm sorry, Headmaster,"

"Ah, not at all, not at all! An understandable reaction. No, the purpose of her visit was to impart said information to me, and of course I had to humour her and reassure her that I would take all necessary precautions...but as she was about to get up to leave, she actually had a genuine vision!"

"How do you know it was genuine?" I asked curiously.

"Firstly, she remembered nothing afterwards, getting up to leave as if nothing untoward had happened. And secondly - well, the second reason is sitting right in front of me!"

"Oh! I see! What happened?"

"Her eyes rolled and she slumped forward, then sat up straight and began to speak in a voice that was most assuredly not her own!"

I frowned and felt a prickly chill dance along my spine as he continued,

"She began to recite some lines of verse I had never heard before, about a serpent and a raven, One and One, healer and healed. Does that sound, ah, familiar to you at all?"

I nodded as he looked at me knowingly, and he continued,

"I recognised the voice in which she spoke, although I had not heard it for nearly seventy years"

"It was Gruber's voice, wasn't it?" I breathed, trying to digest this new information and assess its implications.

"Indeed it was," he nodded, examining me closely over the top of his spectacles.

"But how did I come to be - I mean - was I just in the right place at the right time?"

"Ah, not quite, no. She mentioned you most specifically."

"She knew my name?"

"She described you as the one whose name would show her purpose. I gave the matter a great deal of thought, and then when your name was mentioned in a journal I was reading a few weeks later, I decided to seek you out and offer you employment."

I gaped at him in stunned silence for some time, wondering whether or not I should feel angry at the way Severus and I had been so obviously manipulated, and eventually deciding that the end had more than justified the means. I said faintly,

"So, er, you brought us together, and it was a case of  'light the blue touchpaper and retire', was it?"

"Indeed it was," Dumbledore smiled.

"How did you know you were right? About me?"

"When I learned of your history, and therefore your connection with Severus, I knew there could be no other. I awaited your arrival with the greatest anticipation. And then when the two of you finally _met_...undeniably, there was a certain chemistry there, the like of which I have seen but rarely."

I blushed, remembering the power of our attraction, its magnetic force unaffected by the passage of time.

"And how did you know about the book? You told us you hadn't known about Gruber's secret library."

"No, I did not know about it, my dear. As for the book, I merely made an assumption. An educated guess, if you will, about Gruber and about you yourself. I am no seer, Ella, I simply read people."

"How do you know this will work?" I asked urgently, leaning forward in my chair, desperate to know the answer.

"I have ensured that all the pieces of the puzzle are here, Ella. All that remains to be done is to put them together, and the Fates alone can decide whether or not that will be." I sank back into my chair, disappointed. "I know you wanted some answers, Ella, and instead I fear I have given you more questions."

I smiled ruefully. 

"About Fawkes..." I began.

"A feather and a tear? Yes, yes, I am aware of that part of the prophecy. Fawkes will be only too willing to oblige, won't you, old friend?"

Fawkes stretched himself up to his full height and squawked in sleepy assent before shuffling on his perch and closing his eyes once more.

"Ah, by the way, Ella, how did you plan to obtain a sample of unicorn's blood?" he asked casually, sipping his pumpkin juice as if his question was as innocuous as ascertaining my opinion on the state of the rose walk.

"What? Unicorn's blood?"

"For the poultice, yes."

"I – I – the Almanack doesn't say anything about _unicorn's blood_!" I replied, horrified. I knew how prized and powerful such a thing was, and although there were unicorns in the Forbidden Forest, they were very elusive and showed themselves rarely.

"I wondered as much," Dumbledore mused, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "Sybill – or should I say, Gruber - mentioned it most emphatically."

"What?"

"He died before his work was complete. He specifically said that a drop of…now, what were his words…ah yes, 'Seek the purest of all at the last, a drop to purify when pain is passed.' Then he said he had not been able to find any unicorns. Very sad, very sad."

"Do you mean, he died still trying to prove his theory would work?" I asked.

"It would seem so, yes. He was unable to test the veracity of his prophecy, and so his life's work went unfinished. Until now."

"This just spirals ever more out of my control, Albus. I thought I was doing something for Severus – "

"As you are, my dear,"

" – Out of love for him, but no, this is _more_ than that. This is – _too much_ for me."

"Nonsense. You are merely fulfilling your destiny, Ella. Do you remember when you returned to Hogwarts after encountering Severus in Diagon Alley? I told you then, as I had told him, that some things are written in the moon and the stars, and we ignore them at our peril. The Fates will look kindly on your endeavours, Ella. Do not worry."

He stood, and I followed suit, running my hair back from my face worriedly.

"There is something I would like you to see, Ella." He walked slowly across to the brass telescope, peering through the sight before straightening and smiling gently. "Look."

I bent down until my right eye was level with the small brass circle. Looking through, I saw straight into the heart of the Forbidden Forest, my view unencumbered by trees or foliage, directly into a small clearing. It was deserted, and I stood up and looked at the Headmaster questioningly.

"Patience, Ella, patience! Look again!"

I lowered my gaze to the lens once more, and waited. After a short while, a unicorn entered the clearing, slowly and hesitantly, its hooves pawing the soft soil. It shook its beautiful, iridescent mane and met my gaze.

"Oh!"

"Do you see it?" asked the Headmaster mildly.

"It's beautiful!" I breathed, in awe.

"Indeed it is. And tomorrow, you and I will go to the clearing and pay our respects. I will expect you immediately after breakfast, my dear, so please try not to oversleep!"

I gaped at his amused visage and nodded my assent, and he continued,

"Now, Ella, about your wedding…"


	43. Know My Heart Is By Your Side

AUTHOR'S NOTE 

Thanks again dear readers for all your enthusiastic comments. I'm having such a brilliant time doing this, and I just want to reassure you all that there is a lot more to come. 

And now for the bad news! I'm afraid there will probably be quite a delay until the next chapters are posted. They are written, but not polished, and I go on holiday for 3 weeks on Monday. I'm taking my laptop, couldn't bear to be without it, but since we'll be touring Florida and then visiting The Mouse himself, there will be little opportunity to even read my email, let alone edit and post new chapters. I am beginning to feel withdrawal symptoms already, however will I cope? 

So, please bear with me, don't give up on me, I WILL be back, with a vengeance, and the longest you will have to wait for an update, assuming I can't update while away, will be on my return on 30 April. Thanks!

Chapter 45 

Know My Heart Is By Your Side

Late pregnancy often left me so tired in the afternoons that I needed a nap, but as I lay on our bed and thought about it later that day, I knew that I had a very good reason for feeling tired, and I remembered having lain awake most of the previous night watching Severus in the emerald. I didn't know exactly where he, Sirius and Remus were, although their last owl had been from somewhere in Eastern Europe, but as I watched I could tell that they were all three sharing a shabby hotel room, possibly even a dormitory in a youth hostel. 

When the stone first revealed him he was bare chested and climbing up on to the top of a set of bunk beds. Remus was underneath, and I could just see Sirius sitting at a table almost out of view. I watched as Severus lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, his arms behind his head. Lying in bed myself, I could look at him and almost imagine him there beside me. I sighed and whispered his name longingly, reaching across to the empty space where he should have been. He lay motionless, and I think Sirius must have turned out the light and gone to bed himself, because the room around Severus dimmed and until my eyes became accustomed to it I could not quite make out the expression on his face. After a while, however, I realised he was frowning, and I wondered what he was thinking. He shifted slightly on the bunk, and after a while reached down to unfasten his trousers. I felt a poignant thrill of desire run through me as I realised he must have been thinking about me, for the tenting of his boxers was unmistakeable. I watched as he slid his hand beneath the waistband of his trousers and closed his eyes as he stroked his erect member. Before long he grasped it and then he began to pump his hand up and down, slowly, while his other fist clenched at his pillow. Almost unconsciously I echoed him, spreading my legs wide and stretching my arm down around my stomach so that I could pleasure myself while watching him do the same. I cried out his name softly, and at that moment his eyes snapped open and he stared straight up once more, up to the ceiling that was my vantage point.

"Watch over me," he had said. "I'll know you're there." I wondered if he really did. His hand moved up and down, and I watched as the taut muscles in his upper arm bunched rhythmically. The sight of him was highly arousing for me but ultimately frustrating, for while he climaxed, shuddering, his teeth bared in what I assumed was a silent gasp of release, I was unable to follow suit and I moaned in disappointment as I gave up trying to reproduce the sensations that his own fingers so easily elicited in me. I watched him pull the thin blanket over himself as he curled on his side, hugging the pillow to him with both arms rather than use it to cushion his head. I watched until his eyes, tired of staring at the wall, closed finally and sleep claimed him. And I watched him for hours as he slept, unable to break the already too tenuous link between us by succumbing to sleep myself.

It was no wonder I was tired now, I thought now, taking out the emerald once more. This time, the trio was walking along a dusty road and I could tell that Severus, whose expression was as forbidding as usual, was nevertheless actually joining in conversation with Sirius and Remus. I smiled fondly at them and hoped for something good to come out of their enforced companionship.

       ************************************************************************

"Here you are! I was about to come and find you - again!" scolded Hermione, putting down her book as I closed the staff room door behind me.

"Sorry, I overslept!" I admitted ruefully, lowering myself into Severus' saggy armchair, beside hers.

"Overslept? Ella, it's six o'clock! You shouldn't sleep in the day like this, you'll _never_ get to sleep tonight!"

"Well, I didn't sleep last night. I was too busy watching Severus sleep!"

"You need to get yourself sorted out," she chastised. "You _can't_ sleep all day and stay up all night, you're getting too old for that - "

"Oh, thanks!"

" - And think of the baby!"

"I _am_, I'm getting into practice now!" I said ironically.

She gave me a long-suffering look and announced,

"We have an appointment on Dartmoor at noon tomorrow at that furniture place Sirius told me about. It's called Clawfoot and Sprawls, we're seeing Mr Sprawls."

"Oh, good," I said dubiously.

"We can Floo to Diagon Alley, go to Gringotts, then straight to the store. Meet me at breakfast, at eight? And _do_ try not to be late!"

"Er…yes, alright. Oh, no, wait, I can't, not till later…I need to go to the Forbidden Forest with the Headmaster!"

"Why? What on earth for?"

Her eyes widened in amazement as I explained what the Headmaster had told me, and she agreed to reschedule our appointment with Mr Sprawls for later that day. All our arrangements being settled, we therefore moved on to discussing Hare and Grace's Almanack and the complexities of the annotations therein.

                *******************************************************************

Needless to say, I missed breakfast the next morning. I had tried to go to sleep the previous night, but my mind was racing so much it allowed me little rest, and I could not keep up with my own imagination. When its grip finally loosened sufficiently to give me some small respite, I still slumbered only fitfully, dreaming of magic and unicorns, cauldrons and blood, babies and wedding gowns and through it all, of course, Severus. 

Nevertheless, I ensured that I was waiting for Professor Dumbledore in the entrance hall promptly at nine o'clock, and together we made our way across the lawns and down to the Forbidden Forest. Sensing my apprehension the Headmaster made small talk about the arrangements for the wedding, and thankfully I found myself so distracted that our entrance into shadow and stillness took me completely by surprise. As we advanced deeper inside, our voices hushed now, the quality of darkness became almost crepuscular, as if hours, not minutes, had passed since we had left the outside world. I shivered, and wished that I had had the foresight to bring my cloak, but I had never ventured so far into the forest before. Professor Dumbledore, on the other hand, seemed familiar with every branch of every tree, every fallen log, every undulation of the ground underfoot, running his hands along ancient gnarled trunks, sometimes murmuring in recognition, at other times questioning in tone. 

I fell silent, subduing my natural proclivity to anxiousness, reminding myself that I was under the protection of one of the most powerful wizards there was, and that even Severus, who would guard me with his life, could not afford me greater protection. Thus comforted, I began slowly to relax, and be more receptive to the unusual dark beauty of my surroundings; the variegated mosses underfoot, the multiplicity of fungi, the plants I had seen hitherto only in textbooks or nursery hothouses, the fallen trees suffocating in all of these yet with branches still begging for the sky. 

All of this I drank in, and as I did so I began to feel running through me the pride of the forest itself; the aspirations of the trees as they fought for sunlight, the susurrations of the leaves like the taunting laughter of those who have already seen all that they need; the stealthy concatenation of the various denizens of the high places, the earthly places and the hidden dark places as they went about their business unconcerned with we interlopers. I let myself embrace it all, and as I circled round and round in my wonderment Professor Dumbledore stopped and folded his hands.

"Why have we stopped?" I asked, my eyes glazed over and giddy with my new sensory enlightenment.

"Because you have reached the point at which the clearing may choose to reveal itself," he replied simply, opening his arms wide. "Behold."

A little way ahead of us, reality shimmered and shifted and I became aware of the absence of several trees that had most definitely been there before. We now stood at the edge of the same clearing I had espied through Dumbledore's telescope, and I held my breath, aware of no other sound save that of the pounding of my blood as it hammered at my ears. I dared not move, as I heard an ethereal music playing around the edges of all of my senses, out of reach of my conscious mind so that I was unable to discern any melody or structure to it. It simply was, and everything that it was, was beautiful. A white, shimmering form was moving silently towards us, through the trees, and Professor Dumbledore murmured,

"Do not show any fear, Ella, it is well."

Of all the emotions fighting for supremacy in my mind at that moment, fear was of the least import. Awe, wonder, disbelief, gratitude, all of these took precedence, and as the unicorn entered the clearing and stood before me I did not need to follow Dumbledore's lead as to what to do next, as I instinctively dropped to my knees and bent to the ground in obeisance. A soft whinny and a snort acknowledged our marks of respect, and slowly we rose to our feet once more. The Headmaster said quietly,

"Ask of it what you would, Ella. There is no need for words."

It was beautiful. It stood as high as a horse and it shone with an iridescence that flickered around its outline, blurring it, disguising its true girth. Its horn was long and thin, flawlessly spiralling to a point, its mane and tail blue-white, a breeze I could not feel blowing and rippling them.

Gazing into its midnight blue eyes in which I fancied I could see microcosms of all of existence, I felt my soul laid bare. I abandoned myself to the unicorn's intense scrutiny, praying that I would not be found wanting. Aeons passed, civilisations rose and fell, life evolved and was extinguished, planets were born and died, and galaxies spiralled like Catherine wheels, all in the blink of the unicorn's eye. Then, with a snort, it inclined its noble head and beckoned to me to approach it. I stood so close to it that I could feel its hot breath on my arm, and it nuzzled my hand. In awe, I reached up and rested my trembling hand on its nose, and stroked it. With a gentle whinny, it allowed my hesitant caress before moving back one step and presenting me with its side. I stared at its flank, my eyes drawn there of the unicorn's volition, and they widened in surprise as I saw a small wound appear as if carved out by an unseen hand. Blood of the purest silver oozed steadily from the cut, and I withdrew from my robes the small vial given me earlier by the Headmaster, who had shown a foresight that I lacked, and I put its neck to the wound. When the vial was full, the wound closed and the flesh healed, and it was as if it had never been there. I stoppered the vial and reached out to the unicorn once more.

"Thank you," I whispered, and I laid my hand on its neck. It snickered softly, turned to look at the headmaster, and then disappeared into the deep shadows whence it came.

The clearing became insubstantial, and the trees reappeared, and only the vial of blood, clutched tightly in my hand, remained. I turned to Professor Dumbledore, my tears falling unchecked.

"It was so beautiful!" I whispered.

"They are the most wondrous and magical of creatures," he agreed. "I have never seen their equal. Come now, Ella, let us return to Hogwarts. I believe you need to break your fast, before your shopping expedition?"

The mundanity of which he spoke was in such sharp counterpoint to the sublimity of the sensual and spiritual awakening I had just experienced that his words, at first, made no sense to me whatsoever. Seeing my confusion, he smiled and added gently,

"For the rooms you share with Severus?"

Images of our life together with our child flashed through my mind then; laughter, passion, comfort, and love, always love, within his castle walls. I smiled and took the Headmaster's proffered arm as we made our way back to Hogwarts.

              **************************************************************

A few hours later, Hermione and I arrived in Diagon Alley, and we made our way directly to the goblin's bank.  Gringotts was just re-opening its doors after closing for lunch as we walked up its worn stone steps, so we were seen quickly by the cashier. He took the letter of authority given me by Severus with suspicion, peering at me along his thin, hooked nose, and read it carefully several times while I stood there pressing the heel of my palm into my aching back and trying to hide my irritation. Eventually he rang a bell on his desk, striking it sharply with the flat of his hand, and he was soon joined by a subordinate goblin whose job it was to accompany us to the vaults.

The Snape family vault was, thankfully, only a very short roller coaster ride away. It was obviously very old, since to be so close to the main bank it would have to have been there almost as long as the bank itself, unlike my own vault which was a hair-raising five minutes' journey away. I was thankful I did not have to endure such a white-knuckle ride in my present condition and wondered why on earth the goblins did not consider it necessary to display health warnings for its customers.

Heaving myself out of the carriage with Hermione's help I stood in front of the vault and took out the heavy iron key Severus had given me. It looked centuries old and it turned only very stiffly in the lock. After a series of loud clicking and grinding noises the vault door swung open and we peered inside. There were dozens upon dozens of small grey cloth drawstring bags inside, piled up high in the middle of the vault. I took one and opened it, and then another, and another. They were all filled with a selection of galleons, sickles and knuts, and all weighed about the same.

"This must be his monthly salary," I mused. "Not bad!"

"Well, I don't think he ever spends it," Hermione said. "He hardly ever leaves Hogwarts, does he?"

"Do you think three bags will be enough? Do you think he'll mind?"

"He gave you the key, didn't he? And he is your fiancé, after all."

We arrived at Clawfoot and Sprawls' Emporium at three o'clock in the afternoon, at the appointed time. I was amazed at how similar it was to many of the Muggle establishments I had seen selling similar wares, with whole rooms laid out in different designs. As far as I could tell, the only major differences were, firstly, that each style could be viewed in all the different colours available, for instead of books of fabric, the entire room scheme would change at a handclap; and, secondly, Mr Sprawls. He was very different indeed. He must have been nearly seven feet tall, but I don't believe he had any giant blood for he was not of their hefty build. He was reed thin, and completely hairless. His eyes were like two shots from a gun and he had skin the colour of milk. Dressed all in tight black, he vaulted across sofas and tables with all the grace of a gazelle until he was upon us, finally leaping on to a long green - no, blue - no, now red - sofa, and beaming,

"Welcome! Welcome to Clawfoot and Sprawls!"

He was well named as he lounged in front of us, casual yet at the same time like a coiled spring, full of energy. I was taken aback by his strange demeanour, but Hermione soon warmed to him and they began to chat animatedly about her own requirements, leaving me to trail behind and think about what Severus would approve of. 

I was spoilt for choice, there were furnishings here to suit every taste and budget, but after a while I put together a mental image of our room with a selection of pieces I thought would work well together. My decisions made, I flopped down thankfully on to one of the sofas I had chosen and waited for Hermione, bemused at the sublimely ridiculous contrast between my morning spent communing with the most magical creature in the Forbidden Forest and the afternoon's experience in this Aladdin's cave of consumerism.

Mr Sprawls seemed disappointed that his creative input would not be required in my case, but he soon rallied when I asked him to take us upstairs to view his collection of fantastical nursery furniture. Time sped by as the three of us decided on a cot, wardrobe, drawers, table, rocking chair, nursing chair, all in solid oak with carved unicorns and other magical creatures.

"No dragons or basilisks, thank goodness!" Hermione muttered to me.

It was agreed that everything would be transported magically to the Three Broomsticks and left with Madam Rosmerta. Apparently Sirius had done the same, and Hagrid would then be able to have it all taken up to Hogwarts. After paying Mr Sprawls and thanking him for his kind attention, we watched him jump away back to the rear of the store, and we returned wearily to Hogwarts.

I actually managed to sleep right through that night; a deep, dreamless sleep, and I only woke when I heard a banging from the room on the other side of the bedroom wall. Pulling on Severus' dressing gown I opened the connecting door and peered round the frame. It was Hagrid, busy manhandling one of the two huge blue leather sofas I had bought.

"Hagrid, what time is it?"

 "Well, let's see now, it's after breakfast, I know _tha'_ because I've had mine!" he answered, somewhat uninformatively.

"Right. Thanks," I muttered. "I'll be back in a minute."

When I went back into our new living room Hagrid had moved everything in from the corridor so that it stood in the middle of the room. He wouldn't let me help move anything, telling me that he didn't want to be 'on the wrong side of Professor Snape's tongue' if I injured myself. Turning away so that he couldn't see my amused reaction to his tangled metaphor, I took a cushion and sat on one of the four window seats in order to direct him from there. Soon everything was more or less where I wanted it, and I looked around happily. The two deep blue leather sofas faced each other in front of the fire, with a large dark oak table in between. At the far end of the room was an oak dining table with six chairs, Gothic arch shapes cut out of their backs, which were filled in with iron fretwork. A sideboard similarly wrought was beside the set. A huge rug woven in shades of cream, blue and dark green covered the area between the sofas and a little beyond, and other occasional tables were placed here and there throughout the room. As soon as I collected my books from their long period of incarceration in the Muggle storage warehouse, I would arrange them on the shelves along with those from Severus' classroom and office. 

I was sure Severus would approve, and so I turned my attention to the nursery where Hagrid was gently placing the child size wardrobe against one wall.

"Is it all right 'ere?" he asked gruffly, wiping his eyes on a large spotted handkerchief.

"Yes, fine," I replied absently. "Hagrid, what on earth is it?"

"Nothin', nothin!" I was jus' thinkin' of the little baby, tha's all. It'll be so tiny, won't it? Reminds me o' little Harry, when he was small..." He blew his nose loudly and composed himself, turning his attention to the cot. It was very ornate, and had a huge canopy over the top, made of silk in a weave of pastel shades that shimmered and changed colour according to the quality of light. At the moment it was mostly pink, and I shivered as I looked at it, wondering whether or not it was an omen. Then, however, as Hagrid adjusted its folds, it turned blue, and I laughed at myself, wondering what Severus would say if he knew I'd had a Trelawney moment.

I stood in the turret, looking out at the lake, and fingered the emerald, resolving to spend some time watching over Severus as soon as I was alone. Hagrid put the rocking chair in the turret for me, and the room was done. Now all Hermione and I had to do was take a trip to Muggle London, to buy soft furnishings and accessories. And baby things, I thought wistfully, wishing I could do that with Severus.

Once Hagrid had gone, I curled up in the nursing chair and looked deep into the emerald. It was dark, and I wondered at first where on earth Severus was. Then I realised he was in a cave...no, not a cave, some sort of a club - he looked very ill at ease and was surrounded by strange looking Muggles in various states of undress. He seemed irritated and glared at anyone who dared approach him. Remus was at his side looking nervous, but when Sirius came into view he had a scantily clad woman on each arm and was laughing heartily, much to Severus' distaste.

"What in the world are they doing in a nightclub?" I wondered, annoyed, but after a short conversation with Sirius' new friends all three looked at one another, as if they had just learned something important, and left the club. They emerged blinking into bright sunlight and set off at a jog down a busy thoroughfare. Perplexed, and missing him desperately, I wondered where they were headed and how far they were from their goal. I wanted him to come home.

The following day, Hermione took me to London. She had tried to persuade me to leave the emerald behind for safekeeping but I refused to be parted from it, agreeing to keep it well hidden under my clothes and not to use it outside our room at the Leaky Cauldron.

Before venturing into Muggle London we had our first appointment at Madam Malkin's. We discussed my requirements and she seemed pleased at the commission, saying that it made a nice change from the usual school or dress robes. Hermione and I chose the most wonderful fabric I had ever seen, and we chattered excitedly as we were measured. Madam Malkin assured us that our final fitting, the following day, would simply be a formality, so confident was she of our satisfaction.

I felt exhilarated by the time we emerged into Diagon Alley once more, secure in my conviction that my appearance on our wedding day would, indeed, take Severus' breath away, and more than ready to spend the remainder of the day enjoying the Muggle way of shopping once more.

It had been several years since my last visit to London, so since she knew the city far better than I did, I let Hermione lead the way. After a few hours we were both laden down with bags and I was very nearly dead on my feet." Can't we go back to the Leaky Cauldron now?" I pleaded.

"Yes, we'll get a cab - but just this one last shop, please? They have such _adorable_ baby clothes!"

The window display did look tempting, I had to admit, so I followed her inside, groaning as I lowered myself into a conveniently placed chair. Hermione showed me several items and I bought them all, agreeing with everything partly because she had such good taste, but also because I had, quite literally, shopped until I had dropped, and could not do it any more.

Somehow we managed to get all our bags and ourselves into the back of a black cab, and I heaved a sigh of relief as we set off for the area near to the Leaky Cauldron.

"I think I've overdone it, Hermione, I feel terrible. The last few days have been so busy, Severus hasn't been here nagging me to rest…I have another stitch in my side. I wish he was here, he's so good at making them go away!"

"I know..." she said sympathetically.

"I want to see him, Hermione, see what he's doing!"

"You can't. You have to _wait_!" she hissed as I reached to my neck to pull the emerald from its hiding place beneath my clothes. "Remember, this is Muggle London! And _that's_ worth thousands of their pounds, magical or not! Just wait, until we get back!" 

I glared at her but I knew she was right. Struggling out of the taxi at last, we staggered to the nondescript shabby black door that was the Muggle-side entrance to the Leaky Cauldron. As soon as we were back in our room, I fell on to the bed and took out the emerald, watching Severus hiking up a hill with grim determination etched on his face, his two companions as weary as he. I was exhausted, bad-tempered and restless, and I was so keenly aware of his desire to be with me that I cried tears of tiredness and frustration. I found it more difficult than ever to compose myself for Hermione's sake, and I only felt worse as evening drew on. Furthermore, I had terrible backache and the practice contractions were becoming quite strong and regularly spaced. It was only when my waters broke in the middle of the night that I realised they were, in fact, the real thing this time.

             ******************************************************

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Well, I've left you with another cliffhanger! Now you'll _have_ to bear with me!

Please feel free to review…who knows, your comments might be enough to tear me away from the theme parks for a while!


	44. Pain And Heaven

Chapter 46 

Pain And Heaven

"Hermione?" I moaned, trying to sit up. "Hermione!"

"What? What is it? Is it Remus?" she said, waking up with a start.

"It's starting. I want Severus here, now! Get Severus! Send an owl!"

"Oh no..." she said. "It's two weeks early!"

"Yes I _know_ that!" I snapped." Now go to wake Tom, and send his fastest owl!"

"We need to get you to St Mungo's first..." she dithered, pulling on her trousers.

"No, we need to get Severus!" I replied single-mindedly and through gritted teeth. "Now! Aargh!"

"Ella - "

"GO!"

She looked at me anxiously then made for the door, and I heard her running along the corridor.

Leaning back as the pain receded, I reached for the emerald again and looked for Severus. What I saw sent a chill down my spine. Severus' face was stricken, and he and Remus were stumbling through the darkness in open country, supporting a limping Sirius between them. I could see that they were all right, but it was evident that something had happened, and through the ripped sleeve of Severus' jacket, I noticed with a sickening lurch in my stomach that the Dark Mark burned black on his forearm. Whatever had confronted them, I prayed that the encounter was over now and that he would stay safe.

"If it's over, whatever it is, why doesn't he just come home? Why don't they just apparate?" I wondered. Then I looked at Sirius again and I knew why. Sirius was limping, yes, but his head was lolling too, and I realised he was only semi-conscious. I was filled with horror and touched the stone, stroking Severus' image with my fingertips and crying out as another contraction pulled at me. He frowned, and said something to Remus over Sirius' head. Remus looked concerned and shook his head. He was ashen, and I wished I could lip-read because it had looked as if Severus had said my name.

Hermione came back after about fifteen minutes and said that the owl was on its way, that she had sent word to Hogwarts as well, and that Tom would soon be on his way upstairs to help me to the hospital.

"What did the owl say?" I asked.

"I just said he should get to St Mungo's quickly because the baby was coming. Is that okay?" she said worriedly, helping me dress.

"Yes. Something's happened, Hermione. They're all okay, but Sirius is injured. They've seen Voldemort, I think. The Dark Mark's black on Severus' arm."

"Oh, no!" she said softly.

Between contractions I didn't feel too bad, and managed to get down the stairs unaided while Hermione hovered anxiously at my side. Tom appeared, a lantern in his hand, fully clothed but still wearing his nightcap, which he pulled off hurriedly as he noticed me glance at it.

"How are you feeling, miss?" he asked worriedly.

"All things considered, I've felt better!" I said with an ironic smile. "The owls you sent..."

"My fastest ones, miss. I don't know how long the one to your Professor Snape will take, mind, it depends where he is. Now, can you walk, do you think?"

"For now, but in five minutes or so I'll have to stop for a bit."

"Right then, let's go. There's some funny characters hang about Knockturn Alley of a night, I'll fetch Buster along with us."

I looked at Hermione, unconvinced. We both knew that Buster, Tom's huge Irish Wolfhound, was as vicious as a toothless hamster, and suspected that the denizens of Knockturn Alley knew that as well as we did.

"We'd be better off with Crookshanks!" Hermione muttered in my ear. I nodded my agreement, remembering the last time Hermione's enormous ginger cat had objected to being stroked and still bearing the scars.

"Yes, or better still, Padfoot!" I said feelingly.

St Mungo's was only twice as far away as Gringotts, but the slow trudge there seemed interminable. I had to stop three times on the way, bending double with my hands on my knees, panting my way through my contractions. We passed the entrance to Knockturn Alley without encountering any shady characters, which was a relief since all Buster could do was whine fearfully as we passed. 

We arrived in the foyer of the hospital just as a fourth contraction started, and I groaned loudly, leaning against the wall with my forehead pressed to it. A small nurse bustled over with a wheelchair and once the pain had passed I sank into it gratefully, feeling as though there was a grapefruit between my legs waiting to be passed.

Ten minutes later I was in a private room and Hermione was giving my history to one of the nurses. I was alone for a while and I took out my emerald, wondering where Severus was now and how long the owl would take to reach him. An hour had passed since I had last looked, and now the three men were back in the shabby room with the bunk beds. Sirius was slumped at the table with his head resting on his arms. Remus was putting away his wand, having just performed a healing spell on Sirius, and Severus was searching frantically through his backpack for something. It was a small pouch of powder and he threw a pinch into the small fire that burned in the grate. Soon, I could see the Headmaster's head in the flames, and witnessed Severus become more and more agitated as they spoke.

"He's telling Severus, he must have had his owl already!" I said to myself with relief.

I watched as Severus sat down at the table beside Sirius, taking his shoulders and shaking them, talking to him urgently. Sirius raised his eyes to Severus and nodded, and Severus immediately sprang up and began to stuff everything back into his pack while Remus too made ready to leave.

"Hermione, they're coming!" I told her as she came back into the room. "They're on their way! Oh, I'm so relieved they're coming!" I repeated as the pain started again.

Dawn broke, and my contractions were no more frequent than they had been hours before. I walked around the room as much as I could, and even out into the corridor, since I grew tired of two of the paintings in my room offering me well-meaning but conflicting advice. However, I was standing at the window with Hermione when Severus finally arrived.
    
    There was a flurry of noisy activity outside in the corridor, loud clattering footsteps, and I heard a beloved voice snarl,
    
    "Which room is Miss Redemte's? Come _on_, woman, where is she?" followed by nurses saying

"Oh my! Bring him over here!" and "Which one of you is the father?" and "You can't _all_ go in there!"

"_I_ am! And I think you'll find that we most certainly _can_!" the voice countered acidly.

"Severus!" I shouted, and started across the room with Hermione's help. They burst through the half-open door, Sirius pallid between Severus and Remus, and Hermione ran to help Remus so that Severus could stride across the room to me.

I sobbed with relief as we flung our arms around each other and we both murmured of our love as we kissed one another's' faces ardently. Then I began to feel my abdomen tense and I wound my arms around Severus' neck and leant into him, bending my knees slightly. He braced himself to support me, and asked urgently,

"Love, what can I do?"

"Hold me! Hold me!" I gasped, burying my face in his chest and baring my teeth in a rictus of pain.

When the contraction wore off I straightened and looked up into his eyes, which were dark with concern and love, but troubled too.

"I missed you so much!" I told him.

"I'm here now," he said softly, brushing my hair back from my face.

"Tell me what happened to you? Oh! Sirius!" I remembered, turning to look past Severus over to the armchair by the fire where Sirius sat, flanked by Remus and Hermione, and a nurse who was performing a healing charm on his ribs. Severus helped me to sit down on the couch, where he joined me, and I greeted the others properly.

"I did what I could, but the healing charms I used to use on myself are for superficial wounds, not broken bones!" Remus apologised as the nurse finished attending to Sirius.

"You did very well, then," replied the nurse brusquely, "although I hate to think what the three of you have been up to!"

She glared at Remus and Severus in turn as she left, and Severus scowled after her.

"She has _no_ idea!" he snarled.

"Tell us!" I repeated, and he pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers then, with a heavy sigh,  wrapped his arms around me soothingly.

"It can wait."

"No, it can't! I saw you in the emerald. Show me your arm!"

Reluctantly he released me and rolled up his torn sleeve.

"Severus, it's still black!"

"Yes," he said grimly, meeting Sirius' and Remus' eyes in turn.

"We found them in Russia," Remus volunteered. "Malfoy and Fudge. They had Draco with them. He had the Mark already, we were too late to prevent it."

"And Voldemort?" Hermione asked uncertainly.

"He was with them," coughed Sirius weakly.

"Well, he was there somewhere," added Severus. "We don't know what - form - he was in. But he has some power, since this has been burning ever since we got up the mountain."

I took his hand in mine and turned it over, tracing the outline of the Dark Mark on his forearm. He winced a little, and gave me a sad frown before pulling me to him once more and resting his chin on the top of my head.

"Draco was under Imperius when we arrived. We took them by surprise, but it wasn't enough. We duelled, and Draco tried to cast Avada Kedavra on Severus," Remus continued.

"It wasn't his fault!" interrupted Severus as I stiffened in his arms.

"Sirius deflected the spell, but Fudge used Cruciatus and Sirius fell down a scree - hit a boulder on the way down..."

"Stupid! I was stupid!" 

"Thanks, Sirius!" said Severus ironically.

"For falling, you idiot!" Sirius wheezed.

"And what was Malfoy doing while all this went on?" I asked.

"Playing with his son as if he was a puppet," spat Severus bitterly.

"Oh, God..." Hermione whispered, shaking her head. Remus squeezed her hand and she embraced him, her tears soaking the grey of his shirt.

Two contractions later, more nurses came in and Sirius was taken to a room a little further along the corridor where he could recuperate. Hermione and Remus accompanied him, Remus planning to use the fireplace in his room to give Dumbledore a full report on their mission.

"So, you had to leave Malfoy, Fudge and Draco behind?" I asked Severus.

"We had no choice. We couldn't apprehend them on our own, not without great risk to ourselves. We couldn't do anything about Draco, and we needed to help Sirius. Hopefully, the aurors we alerted will have dealt with them, but I don't know."

"That's the second time you've called him Sirius. What happened to 'Black'?"

Severus gave another weary sigh and stroked my back tenderly.

"He saved my life, Ella. Then Remus and I saved his. I - I feel I should try to make more of an effort. Under the circumstances."

"You told me you wouldn't get yourself killed, Severus!"

"I didn't, love! I'm sitting right next to you, aren't I?!" he observed laconically.

"Only because of Sirius!" I frowned up at him. "You thoughtless, foolhardy _bastard_!" I yelled as another contraction built up inside me and threatened to overwhelm me. Severus ran one hand round my neck and under my hair, amusement in his eyes as he gazed at me, breathing me through it until it passed.

"Better?" he asked solicitously.

"Yes, it's gone now."

"Good," he said, kissing me tenderly. "And we even managed to change the subject!' he continued smugly, getting to his feet and helping me up. I opened my mouth to object but he just smirked and kissed me again, and then I didn't want to object to anything any more. I simply wanted his presence by my side.

The second nurse came back then, and instructed me to lie down on the bed so that one of the doctors could examine me. I wouldn't let her shoo Severus out of the room, so he stood at my bedside and held my hand while an old witch in long white robes examined me and announced that I should expect a long wait, since not a great deal was happening 'down below'.

"But I keep getting contractions, and my waters broke five hours ago!"

"Baby will come when baby is ready!" she beamed at us.

Severus stopped glaring at her just long enough for us to look at one another dubiously and, in unspoken agreement, we each gave her a weak smile. She seemed satisfied with our co-operation, and left us alone.

As soon as she had gone Severus leaned over me and brought his face down to mine, his hair brushing lightly against my lips and cheek as he murmured,

"Do you want me to put a hex on her?"

I burst out laughing and wound my arms around him, pulling him on to the bed with me.

"I can't believe you're here!" I said as I kissed him. His left arm snaked around my waist and with his right hand he cupped my face and neck, pushing his fingers into the hair behind my ear. I shivered at his touch, and felt a familiar tingling sensation in the small of my back, a sensation that only his presence could elicit.

"Oh, I've missed you!" he breathed, his lips brushing mine as he spoke.

 "I know..." I murmured. "I watched over you like you asked me to... I know just how much you missed me the other night."

He looked deep into my eyes, his penetrating gaze making my heart race, as he tried to ascertain my meaning. Realization dawned and a slow smirk crept across his face as he drawled,

"Well, what else was I supposed to do? I had an itch, and you weren't there to scratch it!"

"And did you wish I was?"

"Oh, yes..."

"It was quite a show!"

He kissed me again, laughing softly against my lips.

"Mmm, I'm a sick man!"

"Why's that?"

"For finding you so desirable even though you're in labour!'

"Yes you are!" I admonished, digging his nails into my shoulders while another contraction overtook me.

When it was over we leant back on the raised pillows facing each other, and talking about our separation. Severus told me how his relationship with Sirius had improved even before Sirius deflected the Killing Curse, and how he and Remus had even talked about Hermione and me. I could hardly believe what I was hearing, and told him so. He shrugged, and simply told me that the circumstances had been unusual, and that talking about me had helped him to feel closer to me,

"Since you were on my mind all the time anyway!"

I told him how I had spent the last two weeks, and described the eccentric Mr Sprawls to him, then went on to describe our new rooms. He smiled as I talked on, resting his cheek on the pillow, nuzzling my nose with his, stroking my back and breathing with me through my contractions, but eventually he just said,

"Ella, you do realise I'm not really listening, don't you?"

"What?" I frowned.

"I'm listening to the cadences of your voice, watching your mouth form the words. I have absolutely no idea of what you've just told me!"

"Oh!"

"I want to hear you talk. I love to hear your voice. Just don't test me on it later!"

He laughed as I pretended to take offence, and then his mouth was on mine once more and he was wrapping his limbs around me. I melted into his strong arms and surrendered to his touch, basking in his solicitude and the warmth of his love, waiting for his baby to arrive.

                     **********************************************

AUTHOR'S NOTE; I decided to take pity on you! Actually, I am trying to make sure the story is complete by the time Book 5 comes out and makes it obsolete, so I've taken a break from all the relentless 'fun' of a theme park holiday to do this!

Oh, and it's another cliffhanger, isn't it? Sorry! Heh.

I have so enjoyed reading all your reviews, please continue!


	45. A Child Is Born, And Love Is Made Alive

AUTHOR'S NOTE; 

A few people have commented that Ella seems remarkably amenable, considering she's in labour. All I can say is that as a mother of three, all delivered in the usual way, I write very much from experience as far as her emotions and physical discomforts are concerned. Not all women call their partners bad names while in their extremity, and not all women can't bear to be touched. Ella does become a little more fractious as her labour progresses, as you will see, but she has been so relieved to have her lover back safely that there is no way she would fall into that old cliché, and if I wrote her that way, then I would not be being true to my vision of her, or to my own experience.

Oh, and Severus isn't quite ready to become bosom buddies with Sirius Black just yet…the ice has melted, because Severus can see that all the positive things Sirius has done for him and Ella, but they do still have issues, don't they?

And yes, I am still on vacation, but I can't switch off from this! I even found a spare afternoon to write another few thousand words last week!

Thanks so much for all your good wishes, and your lovely, supportive reviews, and please keep them coming! You are all brilliant, and I really appreciate you. 

Oh, and by the way…there are a couple of nods to other Rickman films in this chapter…see if you can spot them!

Chapter 47 

A Child Is Born, And Love Is Made Alive

I think the time would have dragged interminably if Severus had not been there. However, as it was, half the morning passed and Hermione, Remus and a much-improved Sirius came back in to see us. Hermione and Remus were going to the Leaky Cauldron to collect our belongings and return them to Hogwarts, and then they would return in the evening and hope for some news.

"Just make sure you don't do anything until I get back!" she warned excitedly. "I can't wait to be an auntie!"

Severus forced out a sickly smile at her, but fortunately she was too busy fussing around me to notice.

I reclined on my side on the bed after they had gone and the nurse had been in to check on me. Severus lay behind me, spooning into me, and I rested my head in the crook of his shoulder as he stroked me. I was very comfortable, safely back in his arms, and in between contractions, which were now every ten minutes, I even managed to doze off. I had had no sleep the previous night, and the pain relief potion administered by the midwife had dulled the labour pains somewhat. Combined with these factors, his rhythmical breathing in my ear as he held me close had a blissfully soporific effect, like waves on the sand. 

By two in the afternoon my contractions were only three minutes apart and I knelt on the bed, Severus standing beside it so that I could lean on him while the pain built and built, my stomach hard as rock against him. Or, we would stand up, my arms around his neck, hanging from him with my knees bent so that gravity could help the baby along. 

Although I had read all about childbirth in readiness for this day, I had had no idea of how it would really feel. As I went into what Severus helpfully informed me was transition, I began to sweat and shake, with one contraction starting almost as soon as its precursor had finished. I could no longer stand, having no strength to hold on to him any more. The midwife helped him get me back on to the bed, and they propped me up with pillows, so that I could sit with my knees drawn up to my chest. Severus sat facing me, holding my hands, and with each contraction I dug my nails into his palms.

He looked pale and concerned and I knew he was trying to hide his anxiety from me.

"It's  - it's - it's all okay, you know!" I gasped, dropping his hand so that I could touch his face.

"What?"

"This. Don't look so worried!"

"I'm not worried!"

"Liar!"

"I don't like to see you in pain. Even when it's a _good_ pain."

"A good pain? There's no… such thing! Typical, only a _man_ could… come out with something like that! Mmmph! _Aargh_!' I screamed then, and Severus reached into a pocket for his wand, withdrawing it with a shaking hand.

"Let me help – " he started.

"Get away from me! Leave me alone! Put that damned thing _away_!"

"But Ella, I just want to – "

"This is _all your__ fault_! Aargh! Come_ here_! _Now_, damn it!"

Bewildered at my conflicting instructions, Severus sat beside me helplessly, and I screamed again and grabbed at his shoulders, his wand falling to the floor unheeded as he tried to be of some help. I was beside myself with pain, and my head thrashed from side to side as I tried to cope with the incredibly powerful messages my body was sending me. At last, the nurse said,

"Let's have a look at you...now then, Ella, you're a hand's span open now, you can push whenever you're ready."

"A hand's span? You mean ten centimetres?"

"Er...yes?" she said dubiously.

"Oh! Oh! _Mmph_! Aah!"

The urge to bear down came out of nowhere, it seemed, and I couldn't not have pushed. I had no control at all over what my body did, and I pushed and pushed as if I was trying to push myself inside out, and when it was over I opened my eyes to see Severus' face, wide-eyed, gaping at me in horrified amazement.

"It's happening, Severus! Stop it hurting!"

"I - I can't, love!"

"Don't - just - _sit_ - there!"

"What can I _do_?"

"Talk to her, Professor!" scolded the nurse, earning a bewildered look. "_Encourage_ her!"

"Mmph!"

"Er...don't make a noise, Ella! It - it wastes your energy!"

"Aargh! Mmph! Shut _up_!"

"See? She doesn't want me to talk to her!" he muttered.

"Don't be ridiculous, Professor, of course she does!" the nurse said tartly, his reputation evidently meaning nothing to her.

"What did you say?" he turned to her, his tone like ice.    

"Not the _time_, Severus!" I panted crossly. "Or the – _ooh_! Place!"

 He had the good sense to return his full attention to me, and as I looked into his eyes I saw the ice melt away as quickly as it had formed, and abject terror resume its rightful place there.

 "Ella, what do you want?" he pleaded.

"I want it _out_!"

"Another big push, dear, get ready - here it comes - " said the midwife, briskly efficient with one hand on my stomach as she felt the contraction begin.

"Push now, a nice big one!"

"Mmmph!" I moaned.

"It's coming...your baby will soon be here, dear! Would you like to see your baby's head, Professor Snape?"

He turned round slowly to look at her and nodded mutely, keeping hold of my hand but sliding off the bed and taking a step down it to peer anxiously between my parted legs.

"Oh!" he gasped. "Ella, I can see its head! Can I touch it?"

Hesitantly he reached out and touched me, my skin stretched tight around his child's head. Then another urge to push overwhelmed me and he hurriedly returned to me, standing behind me and putting his arms around my waist, holding me up off the bed a little and firmly against him, his cheek pressed against mine. He whispered in an awestruck voice,

"Our baby has lots of hair, Ella! Lots of black hair! Now come on, you can _do_ this! _Push_, love! _Push_!"

I moaned as wave after wave of irresistible urges to bear down overwhelmed me. I pushed and pushed, and then the midwife said,

"Now listen to me, Ella, the next time you have a contraction I don't want you to push. Do you hear me? Don't push! I want you to breathe the baby out. If you push, you might tear and I don't want that to happen. Just breathe. Help her, Professor," she added shortly.

Severus took a determined breath and whispered in my ear,

"Breathe, like before when I was in bed with you, all right? I'll do it with you."

His arms were locked under my armpits and across my chest and I gripped them tightly, pulling on them as I tried not to push. I hardly knew where I was, but we breathed as one, Severus' force of will, always the centre of my universe, seemingly transferring itself to me, helping me. When the contraction was over I fell back against him, drained, the pressure between my legs relieved somewhat.

"Here's the head, Ella, you did very, very well! Come and look, Professor!"

Severus didn't leave my side, he just peered down the bed and his eyes widened in amazement.

"Oh, Ella! Oh, _look_!"

"I can't!" I moaned as another contraction overcame me. I pushed hard, and with a wet, slithering sensation accompanied by a good deal of water, our baby was born.

"What is it?" I gasped out.

"A girl! We've got a little _girl_!" Severus replied hoarsely.

The midwife wrapped a blanket around the baby and lifted her on to my chest, and I saw Severus in her face.

"A girl!" I laughed hysterically, "And she's just like you!"

I looked up at Severus and saw tears streaming down his face.

"I love you!" he said, laughing through his tears. "Both of you!"

The midwife left us alone for a few minutes then, and we did all the things that new parents the world over always have and always will do. Our baby watched us carefully as we satisfied ourselves as to the number and appearance of her tiny fingers and toes, and marvelled at the velvety softness of her skin. Each time she made one of those sweet little grunting noises that only tiny newborns make, Severus would laugh and trace her cheek gently with his fingertip.

"She's perfect, Ella! Perfect!"

After the midwife had returned and Severus had cut the umbilical cord, he took the tiny bundle that was his daughter from me, and cradled her in his arms, frowning over her lovingly, while I delivered the placenta. Then the midwife brought me towels and flannels and I was able to freshen up a little.

"Right, I'll leave you three alone for a while so that you can get to know one another!" she smiled brightly, disappearing through the door and closing it firmly behind her.

I looked over to where Severus was standing at the window, holding our baby tenderly in his arms. He walked across to me slowly, smiling down at me. 

"You want her back?"

"I want you _both_ back! Look at you, it looks like I've lost you both to each other!" I smiled.

"Here, go back to your mother," he said softly, kissing the baby's forehead gently. He laid her in my arms, and then climbed on to the bed beside me so that he could embrace us both. I snuggled back into his arms and turned my head to look up at him. He held my gaze wonderingly before leaning down and kissing me tenderly.

"You are incredible, Ella. Are you feeling alright?"

"Never better," I replied. I looked down at our daughter, her deep blue eyes unfocussed but responding to the sound of my voice. She had a mass of black hair, still plastered to her head with sticky white vernix and the crimson trauma of her delivery into the world.

"What are we going to call you, little one?" I mused.

"Persephone," murmured Severus against my cheek, punctuating his suggestion with a kiss there.

"Persephone? Yes, I like that! Why, though, love?"

"Because I lay awake thinking about it, when I was – away," he answered. "Have you ever noticed that your surname's an anagram? Of Demeter, a Greek goddess who dictated the seasons? She brought the winter and the spring, like you brought both to me."

"And she had a daughter, Persephone!" I continued.

"Exactly. Persephone married Hades, and spent half of each year in the underworld with him, making Demeter sad, hence the winter, and the _other_ half with her mother, who would rejoice their reunion by bringing the spring!"

"You know your Greek myths, then! I always knew you had hidden depths!" I teased gently, reaching my hand up behind my head to stroke his cheek and his hair.

"So, is she a Persephone?" he asked, placing his little finger in the palm of her hand so that she grasped it reflexively.

"Persephone Snape? Definitely!" I replied emphatically, turning to kiss him once more. We were soon interrupted by another little grunt from Persephone, and Severus' face creased into a smile as we gave her our undivided attention once more. She was rooting so Severus helped me sit up, propping me up with pillows and loosening my shift so that I could attempt to feed her. She seemed to know exactly what to do, and after a few minutes and a couple of false starts, I was able to hold her at my breast. Severus watched in wonderment as she suckled.

"It's amazing, she's figured it all out already!" he marvelled. "Definitely a Snape!"

She soon fell asleep, and as I straightened my clothing there was a knock at the door. The midwife had come back with a tray of food for us both, and a visitor.

Sirius limped into the room slowly, a huge smile on his face.

"Congratulations, you two! Ella, how are you? And how's the proud father?"

"_Exceptionally_ proud, I think!" Severus replied, only slightly stiffly, and I was amazed to watch him take Persephone from me and show her to a delighted Sirius who clapped him on the back heartily. I sighed happily and sank back into the pillows, watching them coo over her as if they had never been sworn enemies. "If this lasts," I thought wryly, "it'll take a _lot_ of getting used to!"

There was another knock at the door shortly after, and Hermione and Remus came in.

"Ella! You had it without me! What is it?"

"A girl! Persephone!"

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, she's _lovely_!" exclaimed Hermione, heading for Severus determinedly as Remus came to my bedside and kissed me warmly.

"May I hold her, Professor?"

"Er…yes, of course, Miss Granger, but be careful with her head."

"I know."

Hermione cooed and gushed over her, taking her over to meet Remus, then across to the window, where she stood rocking her

"Oh, aren't you beautiful? Look at all that hair! Little Seffie, I'm your Auntie 'Mione!"

Severus grimaced sickly, then raised his eyebrows and mouthed at me, aghast, 

"Seffie?"

I shrugged, trying not to smile. I held out my hand to him and he came to sit next to me on the bed, slipping his arm around my shoulders so that I could snuggle against him.

"Ella, she called her _Seffie_!" he muttered into my hair.

"I heard, love."

"Her name is _Persephone_!"

"So tell her!"

He sighed, disgruntled.

"_Seffie__ Snape_?" he hissed at me.

"It has a certain ring to it," I said casually.

"Hermione, we won't be shortening Persephone's name," Severus called imperiously.

"Won't you? Oh, okay," she shrugged, smiling down at her.

Our visitors didn't stay long; Hermione and Remus returned to Hogwarts and Sirius told us that he too would be going back the next day.

"When can _we_ go home?" I asked Severus.

"Well, we can't apparate, and you don't like Floo…shall we arrange a Portkey?" he said, looking at Sirius.

"Already done it, you can come along too," he replied. "It seemed easier, I still feel a bit sore. I didn't fancy the trek back to the castle after apparating, and Flooing with broken ribs isn't a good idea!"

Persephone was sleeping when the nurse came in, and she suggested I have a warm bath. We emphatically declined her invitation to take the baby to the nursery, and Severus asked Sirius,

"Will you keep an eye on her for us? I'd like to help Ella in the bathroom..."

"Of course. I'll give you a shout if she wakes up."

Severus nodded, and helped me out of bed solicitously. Once inside the bathroom he filled the huge bathtub with water, adding the contents of a foam bath helpfully provided by the hospital.

"What's in that?" I asked.

"It contains herbs, plant extracts, arnica...it's a mild healing balm," he replied, studying the bottle. He put it down and stepped over to me, lifting my nightdress over my head and helping me into the bath. I winced as I sat down and he frowned sympathetically, pouring water from a sponge over my shoulders, rubbing my back with it.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly. "I could get my wand, make it a little easier…I know you didn't want me to before…"

"I'm fine," I replied, touching his cheek lovingly. "Get in with me?"

"What - do you think I should?"

"I want you to!" 

I smiled to myself at his uncertainty. Ever since the last stages of my labour he had seemed so vulnerable, so bewildered, and I knew he was unused to feeling so helpless and unable to control events. He stood up and I leaned back, watching him undress quickly. I felt a tugging in the pit of my stomach as I saw him before me, followed by a sharp pain in my womb as it contracted, and then he was climbing into the bath behind me. I leant back against him, between his long legs, savouring the warmth of his flesh against mine, and the silky smoothness of his skin.

"Oh, this is nice," he murmured.

"You don't like scented baths!" I teased, resting my head on his chest.

"Well, I ache all over, I haven't showered for days, and you feel _so_ good! Oh, I've missed you!"

"Mmm..." I sighed, relaxing, letting him stroke my hair, my stomach, my arms, and my breasts and rejoicing in his touch.

After a few minutes Severus sighed heavily and said, 

"Let me get you dry. We can get rid of Black and go to bed."

When we opened the bathroom door and crept back in to the room, we found Sirius asleep in the armchair. Persephone was awake, grizzling to herself, her tiny arms and legs kicking. I picked her up and held her to my shoulder, listening to her little grunts as she moved against my neck. Severus crouched next to Sirius and glanced up at me before saying sarcastically,

"Fine guard dog _you_ turned out to be!"

Sirius awoke with a start, sitting up in confusion as Severus rose to his feet and continued,

"Go to bed, Black!"

"Sorry, I only closed my eyes for a minute!"

Severus shot him a look, unconvinced, as Sirius rose to leave.

"Goodnight, Ella. See you in the morning," he said, kissing my cheek.

"And we can all go home!" I smiled in reply.

Severus watched with interest as I changed Persephone, asking distastefully,

"Why not just do it magically? It'd be far less messy!"

"She needs contact, Severus! She needs to be - well - _handled_, for want of a better word!"

"You make her sound like a pet rabbit!"

"We all need to be touched, especially when we're babies. Next you'll be suggesting I levitate her out of her cot at night, if she cries!"

"Well, it would save us getting out of bed...especially if _I'm_ touching _you_ at the time!" he smirked suggestively as I glared at him, taking her from me and stroking her head with his fingertips.

After I had fed her once more and she was sleeping in her cot again, I climbed wearily into bed. Severus stripped off his clothing again and climbed into bed beside me, pulling me to him with a contented sigh and tilting my chin up so that my lips met his in a long lingering kiss. 

"You look so tired," he murmured, stroking my hair from my face.

"I've just given birth after sixteen hours of labour," I reminded him dryly. "And anyway, you do too!"

He smiled briefly, his eyes travelling all over my face.

Sleep claimed us both quickly and for a few hours we simply clung to one another in our slumber. Usually we would spoon together while we slept, moulding ourselves to the other's back, but not this night. This night we could not bear to turn our backs on each other even in sleep, so that when I awoke several hours later to the sound of Persephone's cries his beloved face, starkly white in the moonlight, was the first thing I saw. His arms were clasped firmly around my back, and as I tried to disentangle myself he gripped more tightly. I leaned forward and kissed him, biting his top lip gently in the hope of rousing him. He simply returned my kiss, still half asleep.

"Severus!" I whispered loudly. His eyes snapped open, two pieces of coal in his white face.

"Persephone's crying!" he said urgently, sitting up.

"Yes I _know_ that, I've been trying to get up!"

He sprang out of bed and strode quickly round to my side of the bed, where Persephone lay in her cot, picking her up gently and rocking her.

"I've never seen you get out of bed so fast!" I said dryly as I sat up and held out my arms for her.

"That's because since I've been with you, it's always been the last thing I've wanted to do!" he retorted, laying the baby gently in my arms and sitting beside us, his arm around my shoulders, stroking my hair and hers as she fed.


	46. Now I'm Home Again, Back In My Old Place

Chapter 48 

Now I'm Home Again, Back In My Old Place

****

We had several hours more sleep that night, but I was still exhausted when Persephone woke up again early the following morning. I couldn't wait to get back home to Hogwarts, where I felt I would truly be able to relax, and where I knew our friends were eagerly awaiting our return. The doctor discharged me and Persephone after Severus and I insisted that Madam Pomfrey would be on hand at all times to keep an eye on us.

St Mungo's had a central courtyard, and it was here that the Portkey was to be activated. Severus wheeled me down there in a wheelchair with Persephone in my arms, while Sirius carried our bags, and soon we were standing together in the centre of the courtyard, holding on to a small porcelain table clock. Severus stood behind me, with his arms wound reassuringly around me, and we both held little Persephone's unwilling hands on to the clock lest she be left behind.

"Don't worry," Severus murmured into my hair, "Don't think about last time."

"How did you know I was thinking about the abduction?" I enquired, turning my head round to look up at him. He lifted an eyebrow and looked at me knowingly, and then, with an unpleasant tugging in my stomach, everything around us winked out of existence and I felt weightless, disembodied. I had a moment or two of blind panic, when I could feel neither Severus' arms around me nor Persephone's small body clasped to me, and then I was jolted back into reality, and sank back against Severus with relief as we landed on Hogwarts' front lawn.

Persephone held her breath, her tiny arms flailing, and then her mouth opened to emit a bawl of outrage at her unpleasant experience. I lifted her to my left shoulder and cupped her head in my hand, jiggling her up and down and shushing her. The Headmaster came down the steps to greet us, accompanied by Hermione, Harry, Remus and Madam Pomfrey.

"Ah! The latest in a long line of Snapes, and taking after her father, I see!" he smiled.

"Hmph!" muttered Severus darkly. "It's her _mother_ that can't bear to travel in the normal way! And _Ella's_ the one with the temper, too!"

Dumbledore looked at Severus over the top of his glasses and said mildly,

"I was merely referring to her hair, Severus!"

Sirius sniggered and was rewarded with a sharp scowl from Severus, which went unappreciated since Sirius was already at the steps being greeted by his godson.

After everybody had welcomed her, Severus and I led the way to the dungeons, to show Persephone her new home. I was exhausted by the time we got there, and sank gratefully on to one of the new sofas. Severus walked around the room appraisingly, before coming to sit down beside me. He took my hand in his and when I asked uncertainly,

"Well? Do you like it?" simply squeezed it.

Professor Dumbledore waved his hand and soon everyone was holding a glass of fine claret, 

"To wet the baby's head!"

Pleased as I was to see them all, I wished nevertheless that they would leave us in peace, and after their glasses had been drained, and Madam Pomfrey had been persuaded to hand Persephone back to her father, our guests departed. After Severus had closed, locked and warded the door behind them, I asked again,

"Well?"

"Well what?" he replied absently, running his hands along the spines of the books on the shelves, which had previously made dusty towers in his office.

"Do you approve of what I've done?"

"Would it matter if I didn't?"

"Yes, of course!"

He was silent and had his back to me so I couldn't see his face, and his sudden change of subject perplexed me.

"Has anyone but you been in our bedroom? Like Hermione?"

"No, I'd never let anyone in there! It's - it's our sanctuary!"

"Good..."

"Severus!"

"You want to know what I think?" he said musingly, turning to face me at last. "I think it's like Persephone."

"That's too cryptic even for _me_, Severus. What do you mean?"

He sat down beside me once more and put his arm around my shoulders, stroking Persephone's cheek with his finger as he smiled at her softly,

"I _mean_, it's the perfect marriage of Slytherin and Ravenclaw!"

"Not too much Ravenclaw?" I teased.

"_Never_ too much Ravenclaw," he replied, staring into my eyes before moving in for a searching, lingering kiss. 

"Can we put Persephone in her cot now?" I murmured languidly as he trailed soft kisses along my jaw and down my neck.

He drew back and looked at me thoughtfully. It was evident that there was something on his mind.

"Why did you leave a space on the shelves? Over there?"

His question was hesitant, careful, as if he feared hearing my answer. 

"For all my books. My parents' books." His hand still rested in my lap, and I squeezed it, looking up at him.

"You've never been back, have you?" he asked quietly, his eyes staring at a fixed point on the wall opposite.

"I've never felt strong enough to face it, love," I said gently. "Not until now."

His brows drew together and he sighed.

"Have you decided when you want to go?"

"Well, I had wanted to go before the wedding, but then Persephone showed up early, and…"

"We'll go next week," he interrupted decisively.

"You're coming with me?"

He turned to face me and looked at me gravely.

"I don't want you to go through it alone. And – I owe it to you. And to your parents. I owe it to them to always look after you."

His eyes, full of remorse and regret, searched mine for my assent.

"Thank you," I said softly and drew him back to me. We sat, for a long time.

     ****************************************************************            

Later, we stood arm in arm, looking down at Persephone as she slept in her crib, her black hair sticking out at all angles against the whiteness of the sheets.

"She's so beautiful!" Severus whispered.

"You keep saying that!" I smiled, squeezing his waist.

"It keeps on being true!"

I turned to him so that I could wrap my other arm around him too, and buried my face in his chest, breathing his scent.

"Come on," I said. "We'll leave the door open. We'll hear her if she wakes."

"Mmm," he said reluctantly, following me back into the living room. Curled up together on the sofa once more, alone at last, I pushed him back so that he was lying on his back, his head resting on the arm. I lay across him and his arms gripped me tightly as he pulled me up to him. My hair fell across his face and he tangled his right hand in it, drawing my head down to meet his. He moaned softly as my tongue flicked across his lips, and kissed me with a sweet hunger that took my breath away. Unshaven, his rough skin scratched my cheeks and skin and contrasted seductively with the soft, smooth wetness of his lips and mouth. Breathless, my heart pounding against his, I pulled away and began to kiss my way down past his jaw to his neck and the hollow below his Adam's apple, unbuttoning his shirt as I went.

His hand tightened in my hair and he pulled my head back so that he could look me in the eye as he said in a low voice,

"Don't, Ella. You're being very unfair!"

"Why?"

"You only gave birth yesterday! You're starting something we can't finish. You must know the effect you're having on me."

I could feel said effect pressing into my stomach as he spoke, and I smiled as I shifted against him, watching the way his face changed as I stimulated him.

"Ella..." he warned, and I laughed softly as I backed down the sofa so that I could unbutton his trousers.

"I feel fine, though. Honestly. And there are other ways of making love, Severus, you know that!"

"Aah!" he groaned, closing his eyes and arching his back as I released him. Sliding off the sofa so that I could kneel beside it, I leaned over him and took the base of his shaft in my hand, squeezing firmly as I ran my tongue over his exposed head. His hands gripped the side and back of the sofa convulsively, scrabbling at the soft leather, and I smiled as I licked up and down along the pulsating vein that ran along the underside of his swollen member. It twitched involuntarily and I laughed throatily as I caught it in my mouth and began to suck.

I felt Severus' left hand in my hair then, pressing my head down into his lap and holding it there, and after a few moments he tensed and I knew he was close to his climax. I felt a dull ache in my uterus as my post-delivery body could not help but react to his arousal, and then he was coming, and I put my own discomfort to one side as I concentrated on intensifying his pleasure as much as I could. His breathing soon quickened, and as I looked up I saw his eyelids fluttering as soft moans began to escape his throat. Soon, he arched his back, his hips jerking, and he cried out my name in ecstasy as the salty rush of him was released in wave after wave of bliss.

Afterwards, as his hand slackened in my hair and fell to one side and he sighed heavily, I lifted my head and climbed back on to the sofa, stretching out beside his still-trembling frame.

"Did you like that?" I asked in my most sultry voice, slipping my hand under his shirt and caressing his chest. He let out a long, shuddering sigh and I was just about to feel immensely smug at how vulnerable I had made him feel, when the dreamy, half drunken expression on his face became a smirk. His eyes were still closed, and he replied,

"Not bad. In fact, you get better every time..."

"Hah!"

"...But I think if you practice a _lot_ over the next few weeks, you'll get _really_ good at it!"

"You patronising git!" I said, pinching his nipple hard.

"Ow! There was no need for that!" he complained, wriggling round to face me and wrapping his limbs around me.

"Oh, you think?" I asked. "You just gave me a grade of _'could do better'_! And stop smirking like that or I'll pinch you again!"

We teased one another good-naturedly for a while, and then rested our hands on the other's cheeks as we gazed into one another's eyes. I had to admit, my exertions on Severus' behalf had weakened me more than I had anticipated they would, and I was relieved at the opportunity to relax in his embrace, with nothing to get up for, and no forthcoming separation to dread.

"This is nice," I said after a while.

"You can't have a companionable silence without breaking it, can you?" he said sardonically, grabbing my wrist as I tried to slip it back under his shirt once more.

"Ah-ah!" he laughed, kissing me deeply, teasing the tip of my tongue with his. "Come and shower with me? I need to change out of these clothes."

"You just want to tease me with your body, don't you?" I murmured.

"_Me_ tease _you_? Isn't Mother Nature meant to re-direct all your, er, primal urges into caring for Persephone?"

"Yes, but Mother Nature obviously reckoned without _you_, didn't she?" I grumbled. "And stop s_mirking_!"

Severus summoned a house elf to bring us lunch, and we sat in dressing gowns at the dining table, feasting on bread, ham, pate and salad, feeding one another sweet cherry tomatoes. When we heard Persephone in the next room, Severus' face split in a huge grin, and he sprang to his feet to go to her. Picking up my goblet of icy cold milk, my fourth that day, I followed him into the nursery and sat in the nursing chair in the turret. Severus kissed Persephone tenderly and passed her to me, pulling the rocking chair until it was opposite mine and sitting down to watch us curiously. Afterwards, we took her through to our bedroom and lay on the bed on either side of her, getting to know her.

We didn't venture out from the dungeons at all over the next two days. We ate at our new dining table, played with our new baby, and desired no other company but our own. Severus was a devoted father and I made the most of his dedication by resting as much as I could. Madam Pomfrey was assiduous in our aftercare, visiting so frequently that Severus, in the end, told her firmly that should she be needed, we would send for her. I feared his evident impatience would offend her, but her sometimes-prickly nature all but evaporated where Persephone was concerned, and she accepted his instructions with reluctant good grace.

On the third day after Persephone's birth my breasts became full and painfully swollen, and Persephone would feed greedily from one, milk dribbling down her cheek, while the other leaked copiously, much to Severus' fascination. He would watch as if hypnotised by the regular movements of her jaw as she fed, and after several minutes of quiet contemplation one day, he said,

"I still want to reclaim _them_, you know!"

"What?"

"When she's older. When you've…stopped."

"Why wait?"

His eyes burned into me, and I shivered.

                *********************************************************

On the third day there was a knock at the door. It was Hermione, and Severus yawned loudly as he closed the door behind her.

"What do you want, Hermione?" I heard him ask brusquely as I emerged from the bedroom with Persephone in my arms.

"I wanted to see how little Seffie has settled in," she said, coming over to me and cooing.

"_Persephone_ has settled in very well, thank you," Severus said shortly, glaring at her as he went to close the bedroom door behind me, standing in front of it with his arms folded.

"And how are you two?" she asked dubiously, looking at my milk-stained tee shirt and unbrushed hair, and at Severus' half-open robe. He saw her brief glance at his chest, and he glared at her, drawing his dressing gown around himself quickly, opening the bedroom door once more and disappearing within.

"Don't mind Severus," I told her, smiling tiredly. "He had a bad night."

"How about you?"

"Fine! Tired, but happy," I smiled, passing a sleeping Persephone over to her as she sat down on the sofa. I curled up beside her, my legs under me, and rested my head on the back of the sofa.

"Oh, Hermione, I never realised how _tiring_ it would be - and how little I'd _mind_!"

"Well, you look, er..."

"I know. Dreadful! But tell me how much motherhood agrees with me _anyway_, will you? How I'm radiant, beautiful, tatty hair included!"

"It does, and you _are_ all those things!" Severus admonished, coming up behind the sofa and leaning over me, letting his hair flop into my face.

I turned my head to smile up at him, and reached my hand to cup the side of his neck, pulling his head down to mine for a kiss.

"Ella!" he murmured disapprovingly, straightening and glancing at Hermione, irritated at her presence, before moving to the sofa opposite and sitting down stiffly, his arms folded. I noticed that he was fully dressed, in his shirt and frock coat, and looking down at his buttoned trousers I saw that he was wearing shoes too, for the first time since our return home.

"Are you going somewhere, love?" I asked, looking him up and down deliberately. A slight frown flickered across his face, I presumed at my use of the endearment.

"No, I am merely - dressing in a more suitable way to accept - _guests_," he answered stiffly, grimacing over that last word.

"Getting stuffy again, in other words!" retorted Hermione with a mischievous glance at me.

Severus looked at her sourly and, to my surprise, held his tongue. He sat there silently for the remainder of Hermione's visit, listening to our conversation but not participating, save for flicking his eyes between us as we chattered, and sighing heavily here and there. Eventually Hermione rose to leave, looking at me knowingly as she said,

"Well, I'm sure you've had enough of _me_ for one day!"

I shot Severus a look, daring him to reply, but he simply raised his eyebrows at me questioningly.

"You will both be coming to dinner tonight, won't you? To celebrate Harry's birthday?"

"Oh, God..." muttered Severus faintly, breaking his silence at last.

"Yes!" I said firmly, glaring at him. "Of course we'll be there!"

I took Persephone from her and saw her out, then went over to Severus and sat down in his lap.

"What was all that about?" I asked, putting my free arm around his neck and stroking his hair.

"I don't like being forced to be sociable!"

"Well, I know _that_, love!" I smiled, nuzzling his cheek until his frown disappeared. "But why are you dressed so formally?"

"I just didn't feel comfortable with her here. In our home. I'm her teacher!"

"You _were_ her teacher."

"Until only a couple of weeks ago. And I know she's your friend, but...it's all too _familiar_!"

"You'll get used to it. Look at you and me! You unwound with me, didn't you?"

"I had rather more of an incentive in your case!" he commented, running his hand underneath my tee shirt to stroke my back, sending a shiver through me. 

"Well, get used to being sociable tonight - look on it as practice for next week, we'll be the centre of attention all day!"

"Five more days..." he said wonderingly, kissing my neck just below my ear. "Five more days and we'll be married."


	47. You Ought To Know By Now

AUTHOR'S NOTE; Thanks once more to all my faithful reviewers. As this story draws to its conclusion (only 9 more chapters to go!) I would like to assure you all that I WILL continue writing, and it WILL be related to 'Snape In Love'. Who knows, I may even do a sequel! In the mean time, I'd like to point you in the direction of some really talented writers whom I feel privileged to call friends, if you haven't found them for yourselves already (and I know some of you have). I am referring to Gwenn, White Raven, Superwitch, Arachne's Child, and The Stars Hold Nine Serpents. All are immensely talented, and all have very original takes on the Snape/OC scenario. Please read them and review…but review me first, LOL! 

Oh, and this chapter is twice as long as my usual chapters. I don't know why, except I just kept on adding bits during the (long!) editing process!

Chapter 49 

You Ought To Know By Now

Hermione and I had bought a very modern three-wheeled Muggle pushchair for Persephone on our shopping expedition to London, and Severus placed her in it gingerly as we prepared to go to the Great Hall for dinner.

"This doesn't look at all safe," he grumbled.

"Thousands of Muggles find them perfectly safe!"

"And is that supposed to reassure me?" he retorted condescendingly.

I rolled my eyes without further comment and took a last look at my reflection in the mirror above the dining table. I wore a long blue skirt and matching embroidered blouse, and I had piled my hair on the top of my head using a series of clips. Stray tendrils hung down at the sides and at the back, since I had done it hurriedly with a very vocal accompaniment from Persephone, but I quite liked the casual effect, and judging by Severus' reaction, which was to come up behind me and suck gently at the nape of my neck while twisting stray locks in his fingers, he found the look very erotic.

We walked along the dark lower levels of the castle, Severus levitating the pushchair up the staircases with Persephone still in it, much to my disapproval, and stopping a few times to enable some of the less intimidated portraits to admire her and congratulate us both. 

When we arrived in the Great Hall it was thronging with people. The eighteenth birthday of The Boy Who Lived was something his many friends and admirers were determined to celebrate in style.

The Headmaster came over to us as we pushed Persephone through the doors.

"Ah! Goodness! A Muggle contraption, unless I am very much mistaken! A – perambulatory device, is it?"

"It's called a 'Pushing Chair', Headmaster," corrected Severus knowledgeably. I smiled up at him fondly, my arm linking through his. I did not have the heart to contradict him.

Severus attempted to be gracious as well-wishers approached us but it was glaringly obvious once more that accepting good wishes and congratulations did not come easily to him, and I thought to myself that if he looked equally as miserable on our wedding day I would probably be sorely tempted to strangle him.

I gave our gift to a beaming Harry and received a warm hug in return. An unenthusiastic Severus shook him by the hand, a little grimly, and said,

"Happy birthday, Potter. _Harry_," and, turning to me once Harry had moved on, whispered to me, "What on earth was that? What did you get him?"

"_We_ got him a set of Quidditch themed Wizard chess pieces."

"Hmph."

Dinner was a veritable feast and I was ravenous. Severus reminded me dryly that I was eating for two, not ten, but I ignored him and asked Sirius to pass me another chicken leg.

"I wonder what Rita Skeeter would make of all this," I commented, picking it clean. "Us, Persephone, Harry's eighteenth. Lots for her to twist around!"

"There would be, if she was able to get in here, and if she was even still around!" replied Remus as he helped himself to a giant-sized portion of roast potatoes.

"What do you mean?" I asked, puzzled.

"Ask Sirius! He told me."

"Sirius?"

"Hmm? Oh, Rita Skeeter? Yes, she's disappeared off the face of the earth, apparently," he said. "I was talking to Eglantine at the Three Broomsticks yesterday."

"Hah! Pillow talk?" Remus smirked, elbowing Sirius in the ribs.

"Who is Eglantine, and how would she know?" enquired Severus.

"She's one of Rosmerta's barmaids...has a sister in London, an aspiring actress - she tries to keep well in with the press, wants the exposure..."

"Oh, an _actress_," Severus said disdainfully.

"Yes, well…anyway, Skeeter promised this girl a bit of publicity, but then went AWOL without a word. No-one seems to know where she is."

"Well, hasn't anyone been round to her home?" I asked, wondering why on earth I should care where she was anyway.

"She moved recently…somewhere remote, apparently," Sirius shrugged. "Remus, what is _wrong _with you? You've had six of those already!"

I fell silent and became lost in thought.  I was about to tell Severus that I had my own suspicions about Rita Skeeter, when the double doors to the Great Hall swung open and a tall, slender figure strode through them, casting his eyes over everyone in the Hall before letting them come to rest on Severus and me. The newcomer had short dark hair, cropped close to his head, and a neatly trimmed beard. He was strikingly handsome, not least because he exuded confidence from every pore, and I couldn't help but catch my breath, since he looked just like Severus.

"What on earth is _he_ doing here?" Severus muttered darkly.

"Who is it?"

"Caius," he replied grimly. "My brother."

"Of course..." I breathed, making a mental list of their similarities as he approached; their shared height, strong hawk like features, arrogant swagger, long strides, elegant fingers.

Severus stood up and waited. As Caius came closer he held out his hand stiffly and said,

"Caius."

His brother ignored his outstretched hand and, instead, clapped both of his own on Severus' shoulders in a friendly hug, which Severus did not return.

"Severus! Good to see you!"

"What a - pleasant surprise," Severus replied awkwardly. "To what do we owe the honour?"

"Oh, come on Sev, don't be like that! Do you think I could let your wedding pass without coming to see you off?"

"Albus told you, didn't he?" Severus replied, shooting a dark glare down the table to where the Headmaster was watching intently, a half smile on his face.

"Yes, he invited me last week, I thought I'd come a few days early, get to know the lady - " he turned to me expectantly as he said this and held out his hand. "You must be Ella!"

His grip was strong and firm, his palms soft, his fingernails well-manicured. His eyes were a very dark blue, direct and friendly. There was nothing of Severus in his gaze, or in the touch of his hand. Although their features were, at first appearance, disconcertingly similar, on closer inspection he was but a shadow of his elder brother. No, not even that, I decided, as I glanced up to see Severus frowning down at me.

"I'm so glad you could come to our wedding!" I smiled as Caius released my hand. Severus raised an eyebrow.

"You invited Caius?"

"I asked the Headmaster if he would, yes," I murmured, fully expecting to be called a Slytherin again before the night was over.

"Come on, Sev! Say you're glad to see me!"

"It has been - too long," Severus acceded grudgingly.

"Mm. And I couldn't pass up the opportunity to see what breed of woman was prepared to put up with my miserable brother, could I?"

I slipped my arm around Severus' waist and squeezed.

"I didn't know you had a _miserable_ brother, Caius! _Severus_ is the one _I'm_ marrying!" I answered mischievously.

"I think what my younger brother means is that I do not feel the need to spend my every waking moment with an inane grin plastered to my face, Ella!" Severus said dismissively.

"Glad to hear it!" I muttered, earning a brief, tight-lipped smile in return.

"Haha!" Caius laughed, causing Severus to grimace irritably. "Where's my niece, Sev? Where's Seffie?"

"Severus," he snapped, "And her name's Persephone!"

"Right, right," said Caius, leaning past Severus to peer into the pushchair. "Well, she has the Snape hair...what do you think, she'll be, Sev? A Gryffindor?" he joked, elbowing Severus in the ribs.

"I sincerely hope not," Severus replied in his silkiest and most dangerous voice. Fortunately any further discussion was curtailed by Professor Dumbledore, who had approached as we spoke, accompanied by Harry and Ron.

"Caius! My dear boy, welcome back! Let me introduce you to Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley, they are both most keen to make your acquaintance!"

Ron looked anything but keen, I noticed, and even Harry, always so good-natured, looked as if getting to know the brother of one of the erstwhile banes of his life was not high on his list of favourite ways to spend his eighteenth birthday. However, they were gracious and welcomed him to join them, along with Fred, George and Ginny Weasley and several other of Harry's friends, readily enough, despite their misgivings. Before very long, raucous laughter from their end of the table resounded around the room.

"I might have known he'd go down a storm," Severus muttered darkly, spearing a large chocolate covered profiterole with his dessert fork and smiling thinly with grim satisfaction as it bled cream across his plate.

"He's very...sociable, isn't he?" I noted.

"Hmph."

"How long has it been since you last saw him?"

"Seven or eight years, I believe."

"Really? That long? I didn't know. Were you estranged?"

"No, not really...but as you can see, we have little in common! I just found it easier to lose touch. And besides, he always was the black sheep of the family."

"What, _he_ was?" I asked wryly. He turned in his seat so that he was facing me, and gave me a penetrating stare.

"Well, _I_ wasn't!" he retorted, affronted. "_He's_ the one who got sorted into Gryffindor!"

I snorted loudly and used my napkin to wipe the sudden tears of mirth from my eyes.

"It isn't funny!" he hissed into my ear, aware that everyone around us was staring.

"Oh, love, but it _is_!" I said hoarsely.

"I suppose I shall have to introduce you properly later. Let you get to know him," he noted when I had stopped giggling to myself. "I warn you, though, he's nothing like me."

"_No-one's_ like you, love!" I laughed, kissing his cheek affectionately. 

Several hair-whitening anecdotes later and I could see exactly why Severus was always so very uptight. His brother's natural foolhardiness had forced the teenaged Severus into the unwanted role of minder and occasional rescuer, and had undoubtedly helped mould him into the stern authoritarian figure who nowadays delighted in removing house points from his students for the most trivial of infractions, particularly if the culprits belonged to Gryffindor House.

"So, it's no wonder he's getting on so well with Potter and his fan club, is it?" he finished waspishly.

I looked down the table and Caius looked at us both, smiled, and raised his glass to us.

"Yes, but look at him, love. You're the one he's come to see. It's written all over his face."

A wondering look washed across Severus' face then, and he bent down into the pushchair to attend to Persephone, hiding his expression from me and from the rest of the room. I smiled fondly at him, allowing him to ponder what I had just said in his own time. Then I recalled the matter I had been about to mention to him before Caius had arrived. When Severus turned back to the table, I asked

"Severus…"

"Yes?"

"I think I might know where Voldemort is."

"What? What do you mean?"

"He and the Malfoys are wherever Rita Skeeter is."

He took my shoulder and turned me to face him, interrogating me with his eyes.

"Why would they be with her?"

"Remember when you found me in the library with Hermione that day?"

He nodded.

"I'd been reading the Daily Prophet archive. I – I noticed something that struck me as strange… I think Rita Skeeter and the Malfoys are connected somehow. Did she used to be a Death Eater?"

"I don't know. We were always masked. Not one of us knew the identities of _all_ the others. We must speak to Albus about this, there could be something in what you say, Ella!" he muttered urgently. "Remus, Sirius, we need to see Albus. Now."

He stood up and walked along the table until he reached the Headmaster, who was busily explaining the finer points of caring for phoenixes to a bemused Harry.

"Albus, I'm sorry to spoil the party but there is an urgent matter we need to discuss. May we go to your office?"

"Certainly, Severus, by all means! Come, Harry," he replied, rising to his feet.

A short time later, having left Persephone in Madam Pomfrey's care, we were all sitting in the Headmaster's office and Severus and I shared my theory with him, Sirius, Harry, Hermione and Remus.

The Headmaster looked more determined than I had ever seen him before as he strode across to the fire. Throwing a handful of powder on to the flames he said,

"Minerva McGonagall!"

When the Deputy Headmistress appeared in the grate he said,

"Minerva, a few minutes of your time, please?"

When Professor McGonagall stepped out of the fireplace moments later, the headmaster explained to her that he would be leaving her in charge while he went to the Ministry of Magic to consult with the Acting Minister, Isembard Factor.

"I'll come with you," said Severus grimly. I looked at him in horror, but Dumbledore said,

"No, Severus, that won't be necessary. I shall be back in the morning, and your place is here."

Too right it is, I thought, glaring into the back of Severus' head and ready to burst into angry tears.

Severus turned to look at me, his eyes haunted once more, and was distracted by a morose Harry saying, 

"Why couldn't I get rid of him once and for all when we were on the plateau? You were all there with me, what stopped me killing him?"

Severus' hands bunched into fists at his side, and then flexed, and he faced Harry, saying awkwardly,

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Potter. I, for one, have lost count of the number of times you've bested Voldemort."

"But my _best_ is never quite good enough, is it, sir?"
    
    Clear green eyes met black depths. Severus regarded him gravely, and simply replied,

"It'll do."

Turning once more to me, he took my hand, and I saw Harry look after him, puzzled and obviously surprised at the sincerity in Severus' tone.

"Well, let's get back to the party!" said Remus brightly, looking at Hermione. "I was just about to take to the dance floor!"

"Yes, yes, you youngsters enjoy yourselves! Minerva and I have a few matters to discuss before I leave," said Dumbledore.

I descended the spiral staircase still trying to blink back those unexpected tears. I was filled with frustration that the Dark Mark was still on Severus' arm and that he could still, therefore, be of use in the fight against Voldemort at immense personal risk. I was annoyed with myself at even mentioning Rita Skeeter's name so soon before our wedding, let alone voicing my suspicions. And, not least, I was furious with Severus for volunteering to put his life in danger yet again, as if Persephone and I were not as important to him as his feeling of indebtedness to Dumbledore. All at once, I felt unloved, unappreciated and unattractive. Severus took my hand as we reached the foot of the staircase, but I wrenched it from his grasp muttering,

"Leave me alone!"

"Ella, what's wrong?" he asked curiously.

"You are! Jumping straight in there, ready to risk your life again with _no_ thought for us!"

"I didn't – "

"What's _wrong_ with you?"

"Ella!"

"Let go of my arm!" I hissed. His grip tightened.

"Not until you tell me what on earth is the matter!"

"We're supposed to be getting married!"

"Your point being? All I did was offer to go to London with Albus!"

"And the rest!"

"What rest?"

"They'll send aurors, loads of them, so why do _you_ have to be so bloody noble? Why are you still so indebted to him?"

I could hear my voice becoming more and more hysterical and felt myself tense up until I just wanted to scream. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Harry and Hermione, who were some way ahead with Remus, turn to look back at us, and I bit my lip until they had turned the corner and were gone.

Severus took my other arm and now held me in front of him, trying to catch my gaze. Unwillingly I looked up at him, expecting his habitual frown and maybe even an acerbic comment and half wanting the opportunity it would afford me to scream and shout at him some more. Instead, I was most disconcerted, and even a little annoyed, to see his fathomless black eyes filled to overflowing with warmth and curiosity as he smiled down at me.

"Hah! Well, well! Poppy _told_ me this might happen! Fascinating! She _warned_ me you'd probably be a textbook case, knowing your history!"

"What?"

"Oh, Ella, love!" he cajoled, moving one hand up to cup my face. "You and your blasted hormones! Look, I _understand_ this time! I'm here!"

"Don't patronize me! You were going to go off again!" 

"To the Ministry, and then back home again, that was all! I've got a wedding to go to in a few days, and the bride would _kill_ me if I missed it!"

I burst into tears helplessly at that, and hung my head in abject misery.

"Oh, come here!" he soothed, enfolding me in his arms as I wailed into his frock coat. "You're over-reacting! You appear to be suffering from what I believe is known as the 'baby blues', Ella. That's all this is!" he continued matter-of-factly.

"_All_?"

"You'll get through it! Just let it all out!"

"Why do you have to be so bloody understanding?"

"Would you rather I tore you to shreds with my cutting tongue?" he asked dryly.

"_Yes_!"

 "Well, much as I hate to disappoint you, I'm afraid this time my heart just wouldn't be in it!"

After a while I began to feel better, comforted by the steady, hypnotic rhythm of Severus' heart pounding against my ear. His deep voice rumbled soothingly in his chest as he said,

"Let's go back to the Great Hall and get our baby, and we can all go home. Hmm?"

I nodded vigorously and he chuckled softly. 

"Here, I'd better tidy you up a bit. People will think I've been cruel to you."

"Since when did you care what people thought of you?"

"Hmm."

He took out his wand and performed a simple charm to reduce the puffiness of my eyes and restore my makeup, so that I looked as I had done before I had started to cry. Then we walked back to the Great Hall, arm in arm, Severus holding me close to him and slowing his pace to fall in with mine.

As we re-entered the Great Hall Severus squeezed my shoulder and then let his arm drop to my side, taking me firmly by the hand. He led me over to where Madam Pomfrey was sitting, rocking Persephone's pushchair back and to as she slept.

"Thank you, Poppy. I hope Persephone has behaved well?" 

Madam Pomfrey gave Severus an exasperated look.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Severus, she's not even a week old, how on earth do you expect her behave well?"

I took a sideways glance at him and was amused to find his eyes glittering with good humour, obviously unexpected and unnoticed by the long-suffering Madam Pomfrey. Feeling a little better I said to Severus, 

"Let's hang around for a while. I feel better now, and I'd like to get to know your brother."

He looked down at me resignedly.

"Are you sure? Well, don't say you haven't been warned."

We took our place at a small round table between Caius and Remus, also joining Hermione, Sirius, Harry and Ron, to find that Caius was regaling everyone with stories about his years at Hogwarts, and he, Harry and Ron compared notes about secret passageways, particularly eccentric paintings, and, of course, how many school rules they had broken.

Severus sat back and crossed his legs, drumming disapproving fingers on his knee with one hand and nursing a large golden goblet of red wine in the other, snorting in disgust every so often, particularly when Harry listed all the uses to which his invisibility cloak had been put over the years. 

"I always knew it was you on the staircase that night when that impostor Barty Crouch bested me!" he said bitterly at one point, making Harry grin sheepishly. I had to lean over and discreetly remind him of Harry's visit to the Infirmary with Hermione the year before when he was at death's door, which would have been impossible without the notorious cloak, before he would stop muttering under his breath and grudgingly hold his peace. Disgruntled, Severus then spent several minutes glowering into his wine, swirling it around in the goblet morosely. 

At last I decided that I had heard enough heavy sighs. Caius had just finished recounting yet another hilarious anecdote, and after I had stopped giggling I turned to Severus and slipped my arm around his neck.

"I think enough is enough, Severus," I whispered firmly into his ear. Brooding, he looked into my eyes.

"Are you ready to go yet?" he asked sullenly.

"Not until _you've_ enjoyed yourself for a while!" I teased, taking his chin in my hand and leaning over to plant a lingering kiss on his surprised, part opened mouth. As I flicked my tongue into his mouth he sighed and returned my kiss, but after a few moments he remembered himself and took my wrist in his hand, pulling back slightly and murmuring,

"Ella, what will people think?"

"Oh, Severus! If they think anything at all it'll probably be something along the lines of how lucky we are!"

"Hmph, or that I've gone soft and what on earth do you see in me anyway…"

"Oh, come here!" I insisted and kissed him once more, both of my arms fastened around his neck this time. Taken completely by surprise for the second time in as many minutes, Severus gave up the fight and I felt his hands slide around my waist, splaying out across my back as his full, soft lips caressed mine. When we broke apart his eyes were smiling and his frown had softened.

"Well, I'm enjoying myself now, so can we go?"

I smiled, shaking my head, and turned back to our friends, resting my hand on his knee. As I stroked up and down his thigh, he moved his arm so that it was around my shoulders and I leaned against him happily. After a while he even began to pass comment on some of Caius' wilder stories, and I found the interplay between the two brothers fascinating, as did, I believe, the rest of our table. The words issuing from Severus' mouth were as dry and as caustic as ever, but coming from a man so obviously in love, whose eyes shone and whose hand stroked his devoted fiancee's shoulder ceaselessly while he gesticulated eloquently with his other to emphasise his comments, such words became wickedly amusing rather than bitingly hurtful, affirming his love for his brother rather than denying its existence. While Hermione, Sirius and especially Remus looked quietly pleased, as if they had known all along what Severus could be like, I caught Harry and Ron exchange bemused looks on more than one occasion and smiled to myself, realising that they were very possibly having to rewrite seven years of their own personal histories as they sat and listened.

Severus' hand began to curl round after a while, so that his fingertips grazed my neck, before winding themselves around the loose tendrils of my hair as they curled on to my shoulders. Feeling my goosebumps under his fingers he leaned forward and nuzzled my ear with his nose as he whispered,

"It's time to go, Ella."

I turned to look into his eyes and as they burned into mine I saw them widen for a fraction of a second, a seductive punctuation to his words. I shivered and touched his cheek, bringing a half smile to his lips as he moved in to let them brush mine before pulling back and lifting an eyebrow. I was so pleasantly surprised to have him initiate a kiss in front of everyone that it was all I could do to hold myself in check and not insist he continue. Instead, however, I restrained myself and turned to Remus, sitting on my right, to make our excuses.

Back in our rooms again I felt tearful once more, and when Persephone began to cry as I tried to change her, I broke down once more and I don't know which one of us made the most noise. Wordlessly Severus took over from me, dressing her and rocking her until she fell asleep, whilst I curled up on the sofa and sniffled miserably to myself.

"I - I - I can't even - even change my own baby!" I wailed as he closed the door to the nursery behind him.

He crossed over to me and sat down beside me, pulling me to him and on to his lap. I buried my face in his neck and cried into his hair, and he stroked my back and my hair.

"I feel so useless, and frumpy, and ugly!"

"Don't be ridiculous. You're a wonderful, _beautiful_ mother."

"No I'm not."

"I'm taking you to see Poppy tomorrow, maybe you'll listen to her!" he said firmly. "She told me to expect these mood swings from you. I have to admit, I thought she was exaggerating, but I am prepared to admit I was wrong, in this case…and it really is most interesting."

"Oh, I'm _so_ glad I'm entertaining you!" I said bitterly. He smiled into my hair and hugged me.

"All of this is quite normal, Ella."

"I _know_ it's normal, just make it stop!"

"I can't! All I can do is this. And love you. And you know I _do_, don't you?" he cajoled, nuzzling my cheek with his nose and his lips.

"Don't know why," I muttered petulantly, and he chuckled softly as he squeezed me more tightly.

"Are you fishing for compliments? Because I think you should know, I'm saving them all up for our wedding day, and I don't think I have any to spare!"

Sorrowfully, I looked up into his beloved face.

"Ah, yes, maybe I have _one_ to spare," he murmured in a gently mocking tone. "Your nose is a very fetching shade of pink!"

I laughed in spite of myself and snuggled against him once more. Once again, I felt so safe and so secure in his arms that my irrational concerns melted away, and when a short while later Persephone began to cry once more I began to get up, to go to her.

"Hmm. Perhaps I'm not such an acceptable substitute for her mother after all?" he said dryly, looking up at me meaningfully as he too began to rise to his feet. "Go on, it's you she needs. And no more crying along with her, she makes quite enough noise without _your_ help!"

Shortly after we were in bed, facing one another as our baby lay between us, suckling contentedly. Severus had one arm curled under his head, making a pillow, and I mirrored him, holding Persephone to my breast with my other hand while he stroked my hip with his. I felt so tired, my sudden mood swings of the evening having left me drained and confused, but, at that particular moment, very secure and contented.

"You were wonderful tonight," I murmured, gazing at him fondly. His eyes were downcast, watching his daughter with a smile playing around his lips. He adored Persephone, it was obvious, and I knew we were making him happy. As I spoke he looked at me, surprised at my comment.

"Why?"

"You were so…_warm_. Sociable."

"I drank too much."

"And _you_ actually kissed _me_ at one point, in front of everybody!"

"It was the wine. It won't happen again."

"I liked it!"

He looked at me seriously and sighed.

"I liked it too," he said quietly. "But it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't drunk five large goblets of wine. Don't expect me to change too much, Ella."

"I don't want you to change at _all_, love! I never have! It was just nice for our friends to get a brief glimpse of what _I_ see, that's all."

Severus raised himself up on his elbow and leaned over, trailing his hand up my back and underneath my hair so that his fingers stroked the nape of my neck. His lips caressed my cheek and the corner of my mouth before moving so slowly, so sensuously, to cover mine. I sighed as I felt his tongue insinuate itself between my teeth, and I sucked gently. Being careful not to squash our baby, Severus edged a little closer to me and entwined his legs around mine. At last he said, our lips still touching,

"Remember once, a couple of months ago, you said I wouldn't be any happier than I was then until I was a father?"

"Mm?"

"Well, I think this is that time."

"And what about Saturday?"

"Hah!" he smiled as I planted soft kisses all over his lips and his nose. "Well, our wedding day will give me more happiness than _anyone_ has the right to expect, especially me!"

Deliciously relaxed now, my eyes closed in sleep. After a while I became dimly aware of Severus' absence from our bed, and I opened my eyes drowsily to find a slumbering Persephone levitating away from me about twelve inches above the bed.

"Severus! What are you doing!"

"Shh! I'm putting her to bed."

"You're levitating her!" I scolded.

"I didn't want to wake her up."

"Yes, but - " I spluttered.

"This is the most efficient method, under the circumstances. Look, she's fine! It's not as if I'm going to drop her, is it?"

Grumbling, I got out of bed and followed him out of the bedroom and across the living room to the nursery. Lowering her gently into her cot, Severus put away his wand and tucked her in gently. She did not stir, and I pursed my lips as I heard his small, smug "Hm!" 

"See?" he said proudly, turning to me and slipping his arm around my shoulders. "Why have you got your arms folded like that?" he teased. "Don't you want some time alone with me?"

He stood behind me and squeezed my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder as he pulled me back against him. I could feel his thighs pressed against me, and as I tilted my head over so that he could suck at the soft skin at my shoulder, one of his hands trailed up my body to cup my breast and as his breathing quickened I could feel his desire for me increase rapidly.

"Come on," he coaxed in his silkiest murmur, "Let's stay awake for a little while longer, hmm?"

"You were very sneaky just now. I think I need to make you suffer," I decided, grinding my hips back against him before ducking underneath his arm and running lightly out of the nursery and back through to our bedroom. In a few easy strides he had caught up with me and pinned his arms around me tightly. I pretended to struggle, feeling his arousal hard against the base of my spine, and he laughed, a deep, rich, gleeful sound that tickled my ear and made me shiver with excitement. How I wished I could turn around and wrap my legs round his waist, lower myself on to him and cling to him wildly, feeling him fill me with his passion, knowing the full measure of him. I moaned in frustration and gripped his arms, twisting my head so that he could lean down and capture my lips. I bit his bottom lip and he growled, pushing me forwards on to the bed and climbing astride me, pinning me down with his full weight and kissing my shoulders and back. He ran his hands around my waist, teasing with his fingers so that I did not know whether to moan with desire or scream for him to stop tickling me. Of its own accord, my body chose the latter and I began to squeal uncontrollably until we were soon both helpless with laughter. Eventually he took pity on me and rolled off me, breathless, but still desiring me. Seizing my chance I grabbed my wand from the bedside cabinet and shouted,

"Corpus manaculum!"

Green satin cords tethered themselves around Severus' wrists and ankles. His laughter subsided slowly as I sat back on my knees and looked him up and down mischievously. His skin was white in the glow of the waxing moon, the hollows of his arms picked out in tenebrous grey and black as they lay against the pillow. I ran my fingertips along his left arm, down to the light thatch of black hair at his armpit, and then lower, smoothing over his ribs, pausing to watch the way his muscles rippled under my touch before trailing back up again, looking into his eyes now, bible black reflective pools, glittering with reflected moonlight.

"What are you going to do now?" he asked. "Tell me. Put me out of my misery!"

I leaned over him so that my nipples grazed his chest, flooding warmth through me, and I whispered against his parted lips,

"Lots of things...now, where shall I start?"

"Just don't go anywhere near my feet!" he complained, twitching against his restraints as I licked and sucked at his nipples.

"Don't worry," I murmured, "I expect I'll get sidetracked long before I get down that far!"

"Aah! Oh, you'd better!" he gasped as I let my hand wander down his body, grazing my nails back up his inner thigh until he arched his back with pleasure.

I made him suffer that night. I punished him so thoroughly for levitating our daughter against my explicitly voiced wishes after she was born, that I left him weak, drained and helpless, begging for mercy, moaning with frustration. At one point I ceased my ministrations to use the bathroom and he howled with impotent rage as I left him to ache for me with no immediate chance of relief. On my return he pleaded with me to pick up where I left off, saying,

"Damn it, Ella, you're driving me mad! I can't bear this, you witch!"

"Yes you can, and you will. Until I say you don't have to any more...mmm..."

"Aah!"

After torturing him for a short while longer, I felt his body begin to stiffen underneath me and I knew his climax was imminent. I released him long enough to mutter,

"Finite Incantatem!" and then his hands were in my hair and he was shouting my name over and over, but I did not stop, would not stop, until he was limp and exhausted, silent underneath me. I stretched out on top of him then and rested my cheek on his sweat-dampened chest, licking up and down, craving more of his musky male saltiness.

"I can't get enough of you," I murmured, kissing my way up to his neck now before looking down at him longingly.

"Ella..." he murmured lazily, his eyes heavy-lidded with his afterglow. "Mmm...Can you explain to me just how, exactly, what you just did is supposed to _discourage_ me from performing magic on our daughter?"

I allowed myself a slow, triumphant smile and stroked my finger along his nose as I vowed,

"The discouragement lies in your being made fully aware that should you use magic on her again without my express permission, I will _never_ punish you like that again!"

Dawning comprehension stole across his face as I spoke.

"You scheming little witch!" he smiled admiringly, pushing me off him and rolling on to me. "But I think it's an empty threat!"

"Why, do you think you're so irresistible?"

He smirked.

"No, far from it. But _you_ do! And you just admitted it!"

I wound my arms around his neck and sighed as I silenced his gloating with a deep, plunging kiss. His tongue moved around mine and he began gently to push my legs apart with his left thigh. I wound my legs around him and moaned as he pressed himself against me, moving his hand down along my body firmly and determinedly until it cupped my mound.

"Severus, no," I groaned in frustration, knowing that however much parts of me cried out for his touch, they were not ready for him. He froze.

"I'm sorry, Ella, what was I thinking?"

"Only the same as I was, love," I answered resignedly.

Sliding off me, he rested his head in the crook of my arm and I stroked his hair back from his temple.

"I love you, Ella."

"I know. I love you too." 

We slept, at last.__


	48. I'll Kiss You Until Heaven Sends You

Chapter 50 

I'll Kiss You Until Heaven Sends You

The next day Severus accompanied me to the hospital wing, before disappearing with Persephone to go for a walk in the grounds.

"Come and find us when you've finished here, I should think we'll be at Godric's Seat by then," he instructed, putting his hands to my neck and drawing me to him for a lingering kiss, his thumbs gently caressing my jaw.

Madam Pomfrey listened sympathetically as I poured it all out to her. I told her how tired and inadequate I felt, how I wanted to cry at the smallest thing, and how nervous I felt about the wedding, too.  

"I want it all to be perfect!! And I don't want to spoil it by feeling like this! I don't want to remember feeling miserable on my wedding day! I _love _him! And - and I miss him so much! He makes me..._ache _for him." I hesitated, dropping my eyes, embarrassed. "On our wedding night, I want - well, I want it to be _perfect_," I finished, looking at her to ascertain whether or not she guessed the meaning I intended to impart.

She frowned slightly, but not unkindly.

"Come on, then. Let's have a look at you. I'm sure I can speed the healing process up a bit for you, if you're sure that's what you want?"

"Absolutely certain!" I said fervently.

I lay down on one of the infirmary's beds and Madam Pomfrey drew the screens around, although the ward was empty, in case we were disturbed.

 I drew up my knees and then let them fall apart, and she performed a perfunctory examination before returning to her office, and the private store beyond. She returned presently with her wand and a small pot of an alarmingly bright blue ointment. Noticing my discomfiture, she said,

"Oh, don't worry, dear! It's not as bad as it looks! And may I say, you're healing remarkably well all on your own! You must have managed your breathing very well, and had quite a competent midwife!"

"Severus helped me."

"Of course he did, dear. Now, there is some labial grazing, but the ointment should soon cure that - and it will work well inside, too, along with a few healing charms."

The ointment felt icy cold and made me gasp in surprise as she applied a generous amount.

"Use this twice a day until your wedding day. The bleeding should have stopped completely by Thursday, and I'll come to see you on Saturday morning to give you the all-clear for your wedding night."

"Really? Oh, that's wonderful! Madam Pomfrey...I don't want Severus to know about this. I want to surprise him."

"Well _I_ certainly won't be discussing such matters with him!" she spluttered. "Your – _conjugal activities_ are your own affair! Now, lie still, this won't take long."

Holding her wand over my lower abdomen, Madam Pomfrey recited several healing charms that left me tingling inside. The icy coldness of the ointment had spread as she moved her wand over me, and I began to feel an unpleasant griping pain in my groin. Grimacing and trying to remain still until she had completed her incantations, my forehead began to sweat and I moaned in pain. She stopped, and looked up at me.

"I'm sorry, dear. I should have warned you to expect a little discomfort. But I'm accelerating a healing process that Nature dictates should take several weeks. And, if I may say so, I'm improving on Nature by returning your body to its pre-delivery state, as far as your internal muscle elasticity is concerned!"

"Thank you, Madam Pomfrey," I murmured, blushing, knowing that Severus would no doubt have thanked her too, if he had known.

And now I knew that I had to carry out Gruber's procedure on our wedding night. If I did, I would be able to make full use of the magic that would be all around on our wedding day. If I could harness its force, direct it somehow into my spell, I felt sure I could not fail. The prospect was exhilarating, but at the same time I was absolutely terrified, aware of how much was at stake.

Afterwards I sat on the edge of the bed, adjusting my clothing while Madam Pomfrey brought me another jar of the ointment.

"About the tearfulness...I'm a little scared I'll start getting things out of perspective again…"

"It will pass, dear. You have a lot of adjusting to do, and this would be a stressful time for anyone. And what you're feeling now is only to be expected."

"But I should be so happy! I _am_ happy, I want this more than anything!"

"Of course you do! But that doesn't mean all this isn't still a difficult time! And anyway, I'm sure you'll feel better now that you've got something to look forward to?" she finished with a knowing smile.

I left the infirmary in much better spirits, having made my momentous decision, and I returned to the dungeons to hide the large jar of ointment before setting off eagerly to find Severus and Persephone. On my way through the castle, heading for the door that led eventually to the greenhouses, and thence to Godric's Seat, I bumped into Sirius.

"Ella! Where's Persephone? And Sn - er, Severus?"

"Hello! I'm just on my way to meet them now. What're you up to?"

"Oh, just...skulking around, you know."

He looked very uncomfortable. Shifty, even.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" I said, putting my hand on his arm.

"Nothing! Well...the truth is, I knew you'd be coming along this way. I'd transfigured, and I could smell your scent. Hah! I still can," he laughed sadly.

"Oh, I..." I looked down at myself, lifting my arms away from my body, looking down at my full breasts and wondering whether I needed to shower.

"No, Ella, I didn't mean that you - it's just that everyone has a distinctive scent, and yours is very...memorable. For me."

I looked up at him curiously and saw a trace of emotion in his eyes. Regret? Love?

"Anyway," he continued, clearing his throat, "I wanted - I just wanted to wish you well. For your wedding."

I stepped towards him and slipped my arms around his waist, hugging him. After a moment he hugged me back fiercely, then released me. 

"Thanks, Sirius. For everything." I said, looking up into his clear blue eyes. He nodded, and said,

"Go on. He'll be wondering where you've got to. And we don't want him coming looking for you, and finding you with me!" he joked ruefully. "Oh, and by the way, Hermione's got your dress. It arrived this morning."

I emerged on the other side of the arch that led from the greenhouses to the side lawn, and looked across to Godric's Seat. He was there, sitting on the bench, the 'Pushing Chair' (I smiled to myself) beside him. There was a slight breeze, and it blew his hair as it lay across his collar. As I watched him the wind picked up, and he leaned forward to pull up the hood of the pushchair in order to shelter his daughter. He stayed like that for several seconds, peering in at her, and my heart leapt in my chest as if it was too full to be imprisoned there any longer. Watching him with his daughter always made me feel that way. He sat back and I walked up behind him intending to surprise him.

"You've been ages! I think _she's_ waking up!" he complained over his shoulder as I approached, nodding towards Persephone.

I stood behind him and slipped my arms around his neck, kissing his cheek tenderly.

"I was trying to sneak up on you!"
    
    He looked sideways at me, unconvinced, and said matter-of-factly,

"You'd have to do better than that to surprise a Death Eater and a spy!"

"_Ex_ Death Eater!"

"Ex. And you'd have to approach me from downwind, too."

"Damn it! Do I need a shower?"

"No," he answered curiously. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, nothing," I frowned, walking round to the pushchair and peeping in. Persephone was sleeping peacefully, but her tiny rosebud lips kept puckering and, if she was dreaming at all, I was sure it was about what to have for her lunch. I put my hand on Severus' shoulder.

"We should get back. She'll wake up soon."

"_I_ told _you_ that," he replied pointedly, taking my hand. "Come and sit here for a minute."

I sat beside him and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Look over there," he instructed, pointing at the foothills on the other side of the lake. "That's where _we'll_ be in four days."

"Do you think I made a good choice?"

"Over there? I'll let you know on Saturday! Now, tell me, what did Poppy have to say?"

"Oh, about my mood swings? She told me it was normal, and that it would soon wear off, and that…that I should look forward to Saturday."

 He put both arms around me and kissed me ardently.

"And are you?"

"Mmm…" I sighed, as we broke apart. "More than anything! We really should go now, love."

Severus traced my cheek with his long, sensitive fingers, sending a thrill down my spine and pulling an invisible cord in my groin. His eyes burned into mine and I wished I could fully consummate the need we both felt. 

"Only four more days," I told myself as I gazed at his sensuous, moist lips, slightly parted, inches from mine. "Four more days, and I will let those lips travel all over me and exult in it."

Persephone was rooting quite determinedly by the time we reached our chambers, and I settled down in the nursery to feed her. Soon after, Severus let Hermione in and she joined me in the turret, obviously itching to tell me about the dress, which she had stashed away in her old school bag. Severus looked at her, and the bag, very suspiciously, but made no comment and muttered about going into his office. Once he had gone, Hermione told me excitedly,

"Oh, Ella, I've got our dresses in here! They came this morning, they're gorgeous! You've got to try yours on!"

"I will, when Persephone's finished. I'll have to lock the door, I don't want Severus to see it."

I did not need to worry, for Severus returned from his office soon after to inform us that Dumbledore had returned from his meeting with the Acting Minister, and that he was going to go to his office at once, to find out what had transpired.

"Severus, don't go saying you'll – "

"I won't!" he interrupted, exasperated, before giving me a half smile, more with his eyes than his lips, and closing the door. I heard a swoosh from the chimney breast, the flue being shared with the nursery, and knew that he had gone.

"I hope they find them," said Hermione. "Voldemort's death would make a wonderful wedding present!" 

"Yes, it would. Speaking of which…I have the perfect wedding present for Severus. I'm going to get rid of the Dark Mark _on our wedding night_!"

"Oh, Ella, you _can't_! Not then!"

"Why not? There couldn't be a better time!"

"But - but what if it doesn't work?"

"What if it _does_?" I insisted. "The air will be _full_ of magic that day! And my milk's come now, and - and - and, well, he's fascinated, always was, even before, and, er, well…I'm _certain_ I can get him to drink it!"

Hermione's eyes widened, and she blushed. I joined her, well aware that I had broached a taboo subject, especially to the ears of an eighteen year old girl.

"Mmm. Well, I hope you're right. It's such a risk!"

"I _have_ to be right," I said solemnly. "And I have to _try_."

We sat in thoughtful silence for a while, and once I had changed a surprisingly quiescent, cooperative Persephone, I gave her to Hermione to hold while I opened Hermione's bag.

The dress was truly beautiful. Madam Malkin had fulfilled all of my requirements and yet exceeded my wildest expectations. The fabric shimmered in shades of royal blue, green and silver, the emphasis shifting in its folds in accordance with the way the light fell on it as it moved. When first deciding on the type of fabric I had wanted, I had remembered an evening gown my mother had once owned, bought from a very exclusive Muggle dress shop. It had been of shot taffeta, blue shot with green, and I had loved the effect and that colour combination ever since. This particular fabric being magical, the effect was intensified tenfold, and the dress would hang more fluidly than stiff taffeta ever could.

I stripped off to my undergarments and slipped the dress over my head eagerly.

It was long sleeved, the underside of the sleeves tapering to a point, with a scooped neck and tightly fitted bodice that emphasised my breasts. Below, the skirt flared out, since Madam Malkin had designed it to fit me while nine months pregnant, but she had thoughtfully tried to amend her design to reduce the fullness at the front, and she had also provided a gold kirtle, to match the gold trim of the dress and the gold embroidery on the bodice. The skirt was longer at the back than at the front, and it pooled on the floor behind my feet. Unfortunately, Madam Malkin's guess as to my post-partum shape had of necessity been somewhat imprecise, and the gown sagged somewhat.

"Oh, Hermione, look! I know she's altered it, but I don't think I can wear it like this!"

"Don't worry, I can do a shrink-to-fit charm on it."

"But look at all the stitching on the bodice, it won't look right..."

Hermione took out her wand and pointed it at the dress, saying in her firmest voice,

"Ornatus diminutio!"

There was a flash of pink sparks and Hermione's wand flew from her hand, clattering against the window behind her. The dress remained unaltered.

"She's warded it!" Hermione said, her eyes wide. "The sly old - well that's one way to retain artistic control, I suppose!"

"Great. Looks like I'll have to go back to Diagon Alley for another fitting, doesn't it?" I muttered, pulling and straightening the fabric around my waist and hips.

"Yes. But it still looks fabulous! You look like – like one of those Pre-Raphaelite Muggle paintings!"

"Like a Rosetti? That's what inspired me!" I grinned. "That and my mum. Try yours too!"

Hermione stood, and placed Persephone carefully in her cot, and then she too tried on her dress. It was in a similar fabric to my own, only hers was, naturally enough, in deep red shot with gold. It was sleeveless, in a Greek style, with a low back. It suited her, and together we peeped out through the door into the living room to make sure we were still alone. 

Creeping out, we went to stand in front of the large mirror that I had placed above the dining table at the far end of the room, and we stood there side by side admiring ourselves and discussing how to wear our hair for some considerable time.

At length, I remembered that the fireplace lay between the mirror and the nursery door, and suggested that we retreat there to change, lest Severus return and catch us. I did not for one minute believe in the silly Muggle superstition of bad luck, but I did want Severus to be taken totally by surprise when he saw me on our wedding day.

We had just finished folding the gowns and concealing them in Hermione's bag once more when I heard Severus return. Hermione followed me out into the living room and I went up to Severus, who was standing by one of the windows, looking out.

"Well?" I asked putting my hand on his arm. He squeezed it and frowned down at me, casting a quick glance at Hermione but not otherwise acknowledging her continued presence.

"He seems to think that Acting Minister Factor took him seriously. Aurors will be sent to Ms. Skeeter's old address and her new one too, but they need to be recalled. They're still swarming all over Eastern Europe, chasing up blind alleys. Damn it all, if only the three of us could have finished them off when we had them cornered!"

"You were all nearly killed, love!" I reminded him. "You were lucky to get out of there alive!"

He sighed heavily and ran his hand over his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers tiredly.

"Yes, yes, I know, but it's small consolation when I know how close we were! And to have this still burning!" he muttered, indicating his left forearm.

"Small consolation?" I said incredulously, unable to prevent my voice from rising slightly.

"Er…I'd better get going, I need to go to the library!" Hermione squeaked hurriedly, scrambling to her feet and grabbing her bag. She left the room almost at a run, and I turned to Severus once more and repeated,

"_Small consolation_?"
    
    His chin jutted out a little as he said defiantly,

"When I think of everything that was at stake – we could have changed the world, Ella! Really made a difference!"

I stared at him, unsure of whether to berate him further or just hug him. At length, I said quietly,

"You'll just have to settle for changing _my_ world, Severus. And _yours_. You've made up for your past."

"Then why do I still feel so guilty?"

I shrugged as I walked slowly towards him.

"I don't think I'd love you quite so much if you didn't. It's part of you. It tells me who you are. The kind of man you are."

His expression softened, and as I neared him he took both of my hands in his and bent down to brush his lips against mine. His hair fell around his face and tickled my cheeks and I shivered as he took my top lip between his and sucked it gently. With a heavy sigh, his arms slipped around my waist and I felt him relax against me, the tension and the moroseness dissipating as fast as our kiss deepened. After a while his hand began to press hard against the small of my back and I sank against him in a delicious surrender.

"I think we should go to bed now," he murmured salaciously, staring deep into my eyes. "I haven't heard you scream out my name in a long, long time…I'm sure I can think of a way to…_please_ you."

I sighed his name, melting, and a wolfish smile flashed quickly over his face. Hand in hand, he pulled me towards the bedroom and I smiled secretly, anticipating his surprise and pleasure on our wedding night.

He undressed me agonisingly slowly, never taking his eyes from mine until his hands began to travel over my naked breasts. His thumbs brushed my nipples and I shuddered as they hardened at his touch. He looked down then, sinking to his knees and then stretching up a little to flick his tongue across the tips. He kissed and licked my waist and stomach as he slid my trousers and briefs to the floor, then dipped his tongue in and out of my navel before gently pushing me towards the bed. 

Stretched out beside me, still fully clothed, Severus ran his hand up and down my back until the small of my back tingled unbearably and I pressed my body up against his, and wrapped my leg around him. My nipples brushed against the stiff fabric of his frock coat and across the buttons that were still fastened all the way up to his neck. I groaned and arched my back, wriggling so that the highly sensitised nubs were stimulated once more. He cupped my right breast in his left hand and slowly stroked his thumb across the tip before pinching it gently between his thumb and forefinger, causing me to leak over his fingers. He stopped kissing me for a moment, drawing back and staring silently into my eyes before lifting his hand to his mouth and licking my foremilk from his fingers. The deliberate sensuality of his actions made me pant, and he smiled as he lowered his head to my breast, rubbing me again, his nose stroking up and down each side of my nipple, and then across the top, then flicking his tongue around my areola before taking it in his mouth and teasing it with his tongue. I found what he was doing to me incredibly erotic and the pang of desire I felt for him spread from my groin until every nerve ending felt on fire for him. His left hand relinquished my breast and was soon tantalisingly close to my inner thighs.

"Are you still sore?" he murmured against my breast.

"No, not now!" I gasped, silently thanking Madam Pomfrey for the ointment and hoping no traces of blue remained visible.

"Still bleeding, though?"

"Yes. Not as much."

"Hmm."

He let his fingers press against my mound and growled deep in his throat as he felt how desperately wet I was for him. I bucked as he found my most sensitive spot and he laughed softly and began to trace light circles around it with his fingertips, all the while nuzzling and flicking his tongue over my breasts.

"You feel _so hot_ down there…mmm…and _I_ can think of something to please you…" he murmured slyly.

"Ah! You _are_ pleasing me! Oh, Gods…"

He withdrew his finger and held it up before us, an almost evil smile on his face as he called, 

"Accio wand!" He sat up for a moment and I panted heavily, wondering what he intended to do. Pointing his wand at his finger, he smirked,

"Frigido digit!" He slid his arm under me once more, and continued, "I think this might be just what you need to _cool you down_, love!"

I stiffened and arched my back in shock as my burning folds sizzled against his icy finger. It felt incredible, and I could feel my every nerve ending singing for him, wanting him, worshiping him

"Scream for me," he urged. I moaned in ecstasy as his gentle strokes became more insistent. I could feel the stiff cuff of his jacket as it rubbed rhythmically against my mound, and I rose against his gentle, insistent fingers as they fluttered over my sex, stroking it swiftly and persistently, finally acceding to my breathless pleas for more.

"Scream for me, Ella! Louder!" he repeated, pinning down my left leg with his right before taking my right nipple fully into his mouth and sucking hard, grunting in appreciation as he drank from me. My orgasm slammed through me with such force as he did this that I did, indeed, scream,

"Aah! Severus! Oh! Oh! Severus!" as I writhed mindlessly beneath him. I shuddered uncontrollably as I came down from my peak of excitement, and he lifted his head to gaze into my eyes. His own were clouded with passion and he smiled at me almost lazily, my milk dribbling from the corner of his mouth.

Moving back up the bed, he deliberately ran his finger over his full, sensual lips before sliding it into his mouth and running his tongue over it, combining two tastes of me and closing his eyes with a slow half-smile. I gasped then as he withdrew his finger and covered my parted lips with his and gently probed my mouth with his tongue. I could taste myself in his mouth, a sweet, rich taste, and he held me close to him masterfully. I felt weak, completely drained, and barely had the strength to wind my arms around his neck. At length, he released me and pulled the quilt over me, up to my chin.

"Where are you going?" I asked. "Won't you get in here with me?"

"Ah, no, you need to get your strength back!"

Looking exceptionally pleased with himself, he kissed my cheek and straightened up, adjusting his frock coat and flicking back his hair.

"Every inch the potions master I've always loved so much," I noted, "Buttoned up tight and sexy as Hell!" His smug smile broadened as I continued, "I didn't even get to undo _one_ of those buttons!"

"No, but I got what _I_ wanted!" he smirked. "You screamed just as I told you to, with no argument! And I got to find out what keeps my daughter so happy!"

"What was it like? To do what you did?" I asked, hoping for a positive reaction since it would make my task on our wedding night far easier.

"Amazing," he said seriously, before flashing me one of his all-too-rare brilliant smiles and disappearing through to the nursery.

I stretched luxuriantly and closed my eyes, happily imagining what our wedding day would be like. And, of course, our wedding night. 


	49. I Paid My Last Respects This Morning On ...

**Chapter 51**

**_I Paid My Last Respects This Morning On An Early Grave_**

**__**

The following morning we had decided to go to the large Northern city in which my family's possessions were being stored, in order that I could collect my books and go through some other belongings I had not seen for seventeen years. We left late, having seriously underestimated the length of time it would take to prepare a small, recalcitrant infant for her first foray into the Muggle world. 

Severus' expression was grim as we pushed Persephone's pushchair out of the Hogwarts main doors and across the lawn. I wanted to comfort him, but could not find the words, so I simply linked my arm in his. His face was set, and guarded, and I knew he was dreading coming face to face with the aftermath of his Death Eater activities. I, on the other hand, felt surprisingly calm, and even looked forward to uncovering old memories long forgotten. I wondered whether telling Severus of my anticipation would help to ease his conscience, but decided that it would not, and besides, I did not know how I would feel when the time came actually to open the storage unit door and confront my past.

The Portkey journey left me with the usual sickly disorientation and I clung to Severus for a moment, grateful for his strength. After we had pacified an outraged Persephone, who obviously shared my dislike of Portkey travel, we looked around at our immediate surroundings. I had forgotten how depressingly ugly the outskirts of some Muggle cities could be. Used in recent months to the grandeur of Hogwarts and the bucolic charm and elegance of Beauxbatons, the deserted playing field before us, surrounded by distant squares of concrete tower blocks, seemed to me more uninviting than anywhere I had ever been, even when I remembered the stark extremity of Durmstrang.

"Do you think Voldemort got here before us?" asked Severus disparagingly as we surveyed the Styrofoam cartons and tattered carrier bags, the shards of glass from green bottles and the broken chain-link fencing. The playing field was bordered by this fence on three sides, the fourth being home to a windowless breezeblock substation, half heartedly covered in graffiti.

"Well, at least there's no-one around," I said brightly. "You can remove the cloaking charm now."

"Hmm." Severus muttered a few words and we began to walk in the direction of the storage facility, which I understood to be about a mile away down a busy thoroughfare. I knew he was feeling agitated and so I linked arms once more as we walked, feeling the tension in his every step.

"I can't believe you lived in this world for so long, through choice!" he muttered darkly.

"It isn't _all_ like this, and you know that!" I retorted good-naturedly, thankful to have been given the opening for a conversation that might help take his mind off things. "I've lived in some beautiful places! Florence, for one…"

I chattered away as we walked, and Severus gradually became more relaxed, until we rounded a corner and came upon the storage facility. He froze, and the lurch I felt in my stomach was in sympathy for him, not as a manifestation of my own trepidation. It was strange to think that I was the stronger, under the circumstances. I was so accustomed to his power and his strength enfolding me under a warm blanket of protectiveness that I wondered how I could possibly show him that he could lean on me, too. I decided that the best I could do was take the lead, and I squeezed his arm and set off confidently towards the metal gates of the property before us.

I had taken with me all of the evidence of identity that I had, but processing all the documentation took a good deal longer than I had anticipated, due mostly, I think, to the unusual length of time that had elapsed since the unit had first been rented. I was anxiously aware of Severus' mood as he stood behind me and glowered impatiently at the hapless clerk. I knew him so well that I could sense the undercurrent of dread that he was attempting to conceal under the torrent of abuse I feared would burst from his mouth if we were kept waiting for too much longer. At last, I was given the key, along with a poorly photocopied plan of the facility on which the clerk had marked, in blotchy red ink, the exact location of my unit.

Once outside the office, Severus turned to me and put his hands on my shoulders, searching my face.

"Ella, I – " he closed his eyes, frowning, then looked into my eyes once more. "Will you be alright?"

I ran my fingers lightly along his jawline and cheek as I answered,

"We _both_ will. Really. Come on."

The facility was huge, with corridor after corridor and row after row of garage-sized units. At length, we found the one we sought and I took a deep breath as I fitted the key into the padlock and, with some difficulty, turned it. Sliding back the metal bar with a clank that echoed off the metal containers surrounding us, I looked up at Severus questioningly. He nodded back grimly and took my hand as I opened the door on my past.

Light from the corridor outside illuminated a central wedge of the room, showing a wide space made by whoever had packed away my family's belongings stacking them on either side of the room, thus allowing a walkway along its full length, and easier access now. I was grateful, since it would make our task much easier, and after casting my eyes around briefly, I pressed a switch by the door in order to light the room by way of the single bare bulb that hung down from the centre of the ceiling. Stepping inside curiously, I turned to see Severus standing uncertainly on the threshold, gripping the handle of Persephone's pushchair so tightly that I could see the whitening of his knuckles.

"Severus? Are you coming in?" I asked.

"Are you sure you want me to?" he replied hoarsely. "I feel it would be…an intrusion."

"You still feel so guilty, don't you?" I said softly, approaching him once more.

"How can I not? I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life!"

"Then make amends! Come in, and share this with me! Please?" 

I spoke as gently as I could, slipping my arm around his waist and burying my nose in the wide lapels of his long black overcoat. His arms closed around me reflexively and I felt his mouth pressing against the top of my head. I ran my hands slowly up and down his back, feeling the tension in his muscles begin gradually to ebb away. After a while, he released me and together we pushed Persephone into the room.

Dustsheets covered everything, and Severus helped me pull them off carefully. When we had finished I turned around slowly full circle, and my childhood and adolescence replayed before my eyes. Here was the couch where I used to spend my evenings curled up next to my mother, watching the television or colouring. Here was the portrait from the living room wall, whose eyes followed me around the room, scaring me a little until I was four or five and realised that it was just the skill of the artist, and that magical paintings could in fact do far more than this one. Here was my mother's favourite tea service, fine bone china covered with flowers, and here was the saucer with the small chip out of the rim, which I had broken one hot summer's day by dropping it in the garden during an impromptu picnic.

And then I found the large cardboard box full of family photographs. My parents on their wedding day. me with my very first set of dress robes, and Phoebe on her second birthday, smiling for the camera and giggling, in a fuchsia coloured dress with strings of beads around her neck. I took out the photographs and sat down heavily on the old, familiar sofa as memories overwhelmed me, making my body heave with sobs, my sense of loss suddenly as keen as if days, and not nearly half my lifetime, had passed since they died. Severus was at my side in an instant, taking my hand in his while his other arm held me to him.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" he whispered into my hair, over and over, and I sank against him and let my tears soak his shirt.

"I want to see more!" I whispered eventually, and I looked up into his face, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand.

"Are you sure?" he asked worriedly.

"Yes. I need to." I pulled the box closer to us, and began to pick out framed photographs one at a time, explaining to Severus what they were, when they were taken, and what memories they evoked. Severus was quiet and attentive, caressing my shoulder with his hand, his arm around me keeping me close to him. When all the photographs had been seen and stacked neatly at our feet, I began to take out the photograph albums, memories of childhood holidays and birthdays flooding back to me as I reminisced. When the box was empty and I had cried all that I could, I leaned back on the sofa, in my childhood's habitual place, and pulled Severus to me. He held me for a long time, intently, and I discovered that I could, in fact, cry more. 

At last I was still, and he leaned forward to pick up a photo of me with my parents and Phoebe, taken a month or so before they died. We were all smiling and waving happily, and Phoebe was pressing her pudgy hand to my cheek, her blonde curls shining in the sunlight. My parents, around mine and Severus' ages when they died, smiled out at us, and as for my own, younger self…I looked carefree, and innocent, and young, unknowing of what was to come. He passed me the photograph and together we stared at it for a long while, my past, present and future seemingly enfolding me now, and I was changed somehow, and I knew that I had undergone a catharsis in confronting my past and my grief. I looked up at Severus once more, my eyes shining with love for him, and he raised his own, dark and troubled, to meet mine.

"Thank you," I said simply. "Thank you for coming here with me today. For helping me."

His mouth twisted bitterly as he replied,

"Under the circumstances it was the least I could do!" 

"Oh, Severus, don't be like that! Don't you see how you've helped me come to terms with it?"

"How can you say that, when I'm the cause?"

"Love, no! We've been through all this, I forgave you for your part in this a long time ago!"

"But I didn't forgive myself, Ella! I – I can't!"

"Then let us…"

The voice was little more than a whisper but it insinuated itself around my senses and I knew Severus had heard it too, since we both started slightly in surprise.

"Dad?" I croaked, not daring to believe the evidence of my own ears after so many years.

A grey swirling mist shimmered before us and gradually took on the familiar form of my father. He was soon joined by my sister and my mother and my hand flew to my mouth to stifle my sobs.

"Hush, Ella, it's alright!" soothed my mother, her warm, rich tones only serving to widen my eyes still further as I tried to catch my breath. Severus' hand was gripping my shoulder so hard that it hurt, but I needed the pain to anchor me to him, to know that he was with me, and that I was not in a waking dream. Phoebe called to me,

"Eya! Eya!" and I was lost, all at sea, crying uncontrollably, reaching out to them even though they were as insubstantial as a memory.

"Are you here? Have you been here all the time?" Severus asked for me, his voice halting and awkward.

"No," replied my mother, turning a warm, radiant smile on to him. "We have been in another place, but we always knew our daughter would need to say goodbye to us one day. And today, we heard her call."

"Oh, Mum!"

"Shh, shh. Don't grieve for us any more. You have a future. You have a beautiful daughter, and you have a man who loves you more than life itself. You are blessed, my darling."

"But I – I was responsible for your deaths!" Severus interjected incredulously.

" – And have spent all the years since trying to atone, and never more than now," rejoined my father solemnly. "We have come to know things written in the moon and the stars. We are cognisant of the turning of the world and the unfolding of the seasons. And we know that this is meant to be."

"You will look after our daughter, Severus Snape," my mother continued. "We know this to be true, and we love you for it."

Severus shook his head slowly in disbelief.

"How can this be?"

"Accept what _is_, Severus. Embrace it, for it is your salvation and your future."

"Mum – Dad – " I faltered, "I've missed you so much!"

"We know, sweetheart, and we've wept for your sorrow. But we rejoice in your joy. It's your time to be happy, now – "

"Oh, I _am_!"

" – With only _fond_ memories of the past."

"Bye bye Eya!" waved Phoebe, and I reached out once more as her translucency lengthened and thinned until she disappeared.

"No, don't go! Not yet!" I cried, but it was too late. My father's shade followed her, and my mother's floated to first Severus, then me, planting a cold, yet warm tingling kiss on each on each of our foreheads, and then on Persephone's, before she too disappeared with a whispered,

"Be happy, my darling…"

Once I was sure that no trace of the ghosts of my beloved family remained, I turned to Severus and clung to him, tangling my fingers in his hair as he clutched at my back, our breathing ragged and shuddering. My mother's embrace, however, had been a tangible thing, miraculously cool and tender on my brow, calming and loving. We relaxed into one another and lay back on the sofa. All that needed to be said was said by our hands and arms as they clasped and stroked our backs and our hair. And soon, we were both at peace. 

A long while later, I smiled up at Severus and he broke our silence, questioning,

"Do you think they liked me?"

I laughed then, and he joined in, laughter of joyous relief, healing, cleansing laughter, the kind of laughter born of miracles. We woke Persephone, and Severus hugged me fiercely before getting up to go to her. 

I began to pick up the photograph albums, deciding to take them all back to Hogwarts, and then as I put the first ones back in to the box, I noticed a small red velveteen snap-lidded box at the very bottom of the carton. I knew at once what it was, and I knew it had not been there before. Slowly I reached in and picked it up, holding it carefully in my hands, hardly breathing. Severus came to sit beside me once more, with Persephone against his shoulder, and he asked curiously,

"What have you found?"

My heart was too full to speak, so I handed it to him wordlessly. He opened the lid and, as we both saw what lay inside, he murmured,

"Oh, Ella, these are beautiful. Are they…were they...?"

"Their wedding rings." I said huskily. "They want_ us_ to wear them!"

"Why – er – why weren't they buried with them?" Severus asked awkwardly.

"My parents weren't buried," I explained. "The Muggle authorities didn't know what had – killed them. They were afraid of contamination so they insisted on cremation."

Severus looked sick.

"Why couldn't they have a proper wizarding burial, in our world?"

"Because they were living in the Muggle world, and I wasn't there!" I retorted bitterly. "By the time I found out, it was too late, they were already in 'the system'."

"You had so much to deal with, and you were so young!" he said, shaking his head.

"And I dealt with it by running away!" I reminded him, watching his face carefully and trying to prevent him from sinking once more into guilt and despair. "You, at least, had the courage to face up to what you did. Can we use their rings?"

Severus' eyes burned with love as he said,

"I'd be honoured to, Ella. I'll take the others back."

"What others?"

"Our wedding is in four days, Ella. Did you really think I wouldn't have bought the rings yet?"

"Oh! So when did you buy them?" I asked, happily sidetracked.

His lips curled into a small, sheepish smile and he replied,

"A very long time ago. When I bought the emeralds."

"Oh, Severus! Really? Oh, you can't take them back, I won't let you!"

"We can't wear both sets, Ella! Be practical!"

"Meld them. Join them. Use alchemy, Severus, I know you can do it."

"You really want me to spoil your parents' rings like that?" he asked, puzzled.

"I don't see it as spoiling them, Severus! It's – well, marrying them! Yours and mine!"

"If you really want me to…"

"I do!" I smiled, heartened to see his face soften as he leaned over to kiss me tenderly. "Now, hand her over, I need to feed her before we do anything else."

A short time later I was able to lay a contented Persephone back in her pushchair, and Severus and I levitated several boxes until we found a large carton full of books. After I had confirmed that this was, indeed, the box I wanted, Severus performed a complicated Lessening charm on it, shrinking it both in size and weight until it was small enough to fit underneath the pushchair, in the mesh basket there. After doing the same to the box of photographs, I took a last look around and confirmed that I was ready to go back home.

"Are you sure there's nothing else here that you want? Some of Phoebe's toys, perhaps? For her niece?" Severus enquired.

"Wouldn't you mind?"

"I'd like her to have some part of – what I took from her," he said awkwardly, turning from me to rummage in some brightly coloured plastic storage boxes that I remembered from Phoebe's bedroom "How about all of these?"

"Yes, okay," I agreed. "But not her clothes. She isn't a replacement for Phoebe, she's her own person. _Your daughter_," I continued, putting my arms around his waist from behind and pressing my cheek against his back. He straightened and turned round to embrace me, and together we Lessened the coloured boxes and loaded them on to the pushchair.

We locked the unit as we left, returned the key to the office, and emerged blinking into bright sunlight. Severus seemed relieved that we were on our way home, and began to make plans as to how best to combine our two sets of wedding rings. Since my parents' rings were plain gold bands, each with  a bezel set diamond, and those Severus had bought were, he confided, of white gold inlaid with many emeralds, we agreed to blend the two by coiling the yellow and the white around each other. Each ring would retain its own identity, but be entwined for all eternity with its partner. The symbolism was not lost on us, and by the time we reached the run-down playing field, and our return Portkey site, we were quietly exultant at our good fortune and I could tell that Severus was eager to begin preparations for the alchemical procedure.

Persephone made what was becoming an habitual complaint about the unsatisfactoriness of Portkey travel, and was still in full voice as we descended into the dungeons, her wails echoing off the cavernous arched ceilings and causing some of the paintings to offer words of comfort which we all three endeavoured to ignore.

"Ella, the Fates know I _adore_ you, but why, in their names, does our daughter have to take after you _quite_ so determinedly?" muttered Severus in exasperation as we hurried along the corridor to our rooms. Persephone was still howling loudly into his left ear even as he held her close, and he cupped her tiny head in his hand as he strode along, trying to calm her in order to preserve what remained of his hearing.

"Sorry, what was that? I didn't quite hear you!" I grinned mischievously, and his eyebrow lifted tetchily at my teasing.

We stopped at our door and Severus fished around in his pocket for his wand, muttering the first set of ward-unlocking charms as he did so. As the door swung open in front of us and we entered gratefully, a mocking voice echoed down the corridor,

"All the students have gone home, so you're reduced to reducing babies to tears, eh Sev?"

Severus stopped in his tracks and handed Persephone to me peremptorily, before turning round and stalking back into the corridor. 

"Try again, Caius, that little jest was far from up to your usual standard!" he retorted icily in a dangerous tone that made me wince with pity for his younger brother. Caius, fortunately, appeared to have sufficient experience of Severus' tongue to know when not to push his luck, and I sensed a note of apology in his tone as he continued,

"Yeah, well, I just wanted to pay a quick visit, now you're back…is it a good time?"

Severus snorted and came back into the room, his face black with irritation, and so I took it upon myself to call out,

"Of course, Caius, come in! You'll have to excuse me for a while, while I take her into the nursery, but I'm sure Severus will make you welcome…_won't you, love_?" I added through gritted teeth as my fiancé glowered at me. 

Caius came in, somewhat hesitantly, both to his credit and to his brother's satisfaction, and I crossed over to Severus and caressed his cheek as I reminded him gently,

"Don't forget what I told you last night. About whom he came here to see?"

His frown lines deepened, but his eyes softened and he murmured,

"Don't leave me alone with him for too long. I don't like small talk, and your daughter has left me temporarily deaf, which will make conversation even more difficult!"

"Mmm, I can see how that would be problematic!" I smiled, and he bent to kiss me gently.

As I closed the nursery door behind me I heard him say gruffly,

"Please, sit down. No,over there. Er…would you like something to drink? Butterbeer, perhaps? I seem to remember you like it…"

"Twenty five years ago, I did!" Caius laughed in amusement. "Got any firewhisky?"

"Of course…"

I smiled fondly and began to attend Persephone, feeding and changing her, aware of the rumble of Severus' unmistakeable baritone and Caius' occasional guffaw, but unable to discern the direction of their conversation. At least there _was_ some conversation, I mused, picking Persephone up so that she could get to know her uncle while she was still awake.

Severus appeared relieved to see us re-enter. He was standing stiffly by the fireplace, with one hand on the mantelpiece in a proprietarily dominant stance. Caius had relaxed into one end of a sofa; his long denim-clad legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankle. He sat up eagerly as I approached with Persephone, setting down a glass now empty of firewhisky and holding out his hands for her.

"Here," I smiled, placing her in his arms. "Meet your niece!"

"And don't breathe fumes all over her!" Severus muttered darkly, removing Caius' empty glass and pointedly not refilling it.

I sat opposite them, and Severus began to busy himself at the other end of the room, removing the boxes and cartons from underneath Persephone's pushchair, He had obviously decided that he had made sufficient effort for one day, and had passed the task of attending to the usual social niceties over to me. Fortunately, entertaining guests came far more easily to me than it did to him, and Caius was very easy to talk to, particularly when the conversation revolved around my daughter and her likeness to her paternal ancestors.

As we talked, Severus brought two of the boxes over to me, and set them on the floor at my feet before performing the charm to restore them to their original dimensions and taking the remaining boxes through to the nursery. Persephone had fallen asleep, and so he took her from his brother with, I thought, an unnecessary alacrity, and carried her through to her cot before returning to take his place at my side.

"So, what's in the boxes?" Caius asked with interest.

"Old photographs," I replied, taking a few out and passing them across to him. He looked at them closely, announcing that in his opinion I bore a strong resemblance to my mother. 

"Any chance of another drink, Sev?" he went on hopefully.

"And that would be your third? I think you've had enough, haven't you?" Severus replied, his arms folded, evidently unwilling to oblige.

"Oh, come on, Sev, I'm not a kid any more, I'm not about to throw up all over you again!"

"They were my best dress robes, Caius! Ruined!"

My eyes widened in amused disapproval but I dared not ask for edification. Severus was beginning to simmer, and I did not want to worsen his humour. Unfortunately for Caius, a careless gesticulation while holding my parents' wedding photograph brought Severus to boiling point. The old, well-used frame slipped from his fingers as he flung up his arms in an expression of rueful apology over the despoiling of his brother's robes all those years ago, and it fell to pieces as it landed on the stone flags at the side of the sofa.

"You – you drunken _oaf_! I _told_ you you'd had enough!" snarled Severus, leaping to his feet and sweeping round to where the ruined frame lay.

"Oh, damn it, Ella, I'm _really_ sorry!" Caius apologised, leaning over to try to help his brother as he gathered up the photograph and the several pieces of paper that had fallen from the frame.

"Leave it, you've done enough!"

"Don't, Severus, it's alright, really! It's only an old frame, and I can mend it anyway!"

Severus flicked eyes black as thunder between his brother and me.

"That is hardly the point, Ella." He rose to his feet and pointed a long accusatory finger. "This boy will _never_ change, and as such – "

"_As such_, is still your only brother, love!" I said firmly, rising to my feet and taking the papers and photograph from him, touching his arm and gazing at him beseechingly. "Let go of the past!" I murmured in an undertone. He glared at me, then at Caius, then swept past me without a word and sat down on the sofa once more, folding his arms. Taking that as a tacit acceptance of my words, and more than relieved that he had not chosen to stalk off into his office, I smiled at Caius, who began to apologise profusely for his carelessness. I silenced him, and curled up on the sofa once more, beside an unyielding Severus, leafing through the papers that had been concealed behind the photograph. There was a newspaper clipping, old and yellowed with time, announcing the wedding, there were two sheets of thick blank paper, used, I assumed, to hold the photograph firmly in place and prevent it from slipping in the frame, and finally a sheet of thick parchment, folded twice. I opened it out, and saw my mother's familiar hand, large, rounded, regularly spaced letters forming lines of poetry, a wide margin on either side but otherwise filling the page.

"Look at this!" I breathed, showing it to Severus. "Look, it says 'Wedding breakfast', with a question mark! Do you suppose they recited this at their wedding?"

Severus plucked the parchment from my hands and glanced at it cursorily before passing it back with a sulky,

"It would appear that they were at least considering doing so. Is that the done thing, at Muggle weddings?"

"More and more…" I confirmed, scanning the lines and trying not to be too hurt at his offhand manner.

"What is it, poetry?" asked Caius, looking nervously at his elder brother as he addressed me.

"Yes…the sentiments are lovely!" I replied. "Aren't they, Severus?"

"They're certainly sentimental," he agreed disparagingly as he rose to his feet. "Caius, Ella and I need to ready ourselves for dinner. We've had a long and difficult day. Do you mind?"

With a wave of his arm and an arched brow, he indicated that Caius' visit was at an end. After he had gone, Severus wasted no time in withdrawing his wand to repair the damaged frame, replacing the photograph and the papers.

"No, not this." I shook my head as he held out his hand for the poem. With a dismissive shrug he secured the back to the frame and then placed it on the mantelpiece, then sauntered over to the sofa, picking up the parchment from the table and walking with it over to the window, where he stood for a moment reading it. His only noticeable reaction was a non-committal 

"Hmph," and he returned it to me with no further comment.

"Why are you sulking?" I challenged. He turned to look down at me in surprise.

"I'm not sulking!"

"You _are_, Severus. He really rubs you up the wrong way, doesn't he?"

Severus sat down heavily on the table facing me, and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he rubbed his face with his hands tiredly, complaining,

"You have _no_ idea of the efforts I made to keep him from harm. And he never learned from his mistakes." He held my gaze, helplessly. "I've learned from mine."

"Yes, you have," I said gently, taking his hands. "So don't make another one now! He is your family, Severus. You're lucky he's still around. You _must_ see that, especially after today."

He sighed, and reached out to run his fingertips along my cheek.

"As usual, your quiet strength amazes me," he said ruefully. "And now I want to make preparations for tomorrow, before dinner. Kiss me…"

I slipped my arms around his neck and closed my eyes as his warm, soft lips found mine. We kissed, for too short a time although minutes passed, and then he sighed and withdrew, murmuring,

"You're still an immense distraction…" as he stood reluctantly and left through the door to our bedroom, heading for his office. I was glad that Severus was eager to begin the alchemical procedure that would meld our rings, and I had an added reason for sharing his enthusiasm. It would give me an opportunity to make my own preparations for our wedding day by once more going over the complicated instructions and incantations from Gruber's almanac and ensuring that all my plans were in place.

I curled up on the sofa and took up the parchment once more, re-reading the lines and imagining them being spoken in my parents' voices on their wedding day. And then, imagining Severus and I saying the same words in front of all of our friends, on ours. Remembering his less than enthusiastic reaction to my discovery, however, I decided not even to try and press him into any more public declarations of love than he had already committed to by marrying me. Instead, with some small measure of regret, I put the poem to one side and sank into a delightful reverie, our wedding day and the completion of my happiness only three days away.

A/N: Please leave a review!


	50. There's Someone In My Head, But It's Not...

DEDICATION; This is for everyone at the Café. You know who you are, and you know why! 

          **********************************************************

Chapter 52 

There's Someone In My Head, But It's Not Me

****

Conversation at dinner the previous night had been somewhat stilted, and privately I despaired of Severus' intransigence with regard to the forgiveness of his younger brother's supposed past misdeeds. However, we had agreed that the following day Severus would remain at Hogwarts with Persephone while Caius accompanied me, by Portkey, to Diagon Alley in order that I could see Madam Malkin for a final dress fitting. He was in the market for a new broom, he said, and would relish the opportunity to further his acquaintance with me. 

Severus came with us to the front lawn, to see us off. He and I had said our goodbyes in the privacy of our room, had taken some considerable time doing so, in fact, but as we stood together I could not resist the compulsion to fling my arms around his neck once more and ardently kiss his still-swollen lips.

"Oh, I wish I didn't have to leave you!"

"I'll hardly notice you're gone, I have much to do! Babysitting, for one! Quite apart from that little alchemy project we discussed yesterday!" he answered casually, extricating himself from my embrace and turning to Caius.

"No foolhardiness, Caius," he warned sternly. "Look after her."

"Oh, come on Sev!" Caius protested. "When have I ever..." He trailed off as Severus gave him a knowing look, and I noticed his lips tighten as he bit back any further comment. 

"I can look after myself, you know!" I reminded him amusedly.

"Oh yes, I'm well aware of that," he replied. "Nevertheless, I am entrusting him with your care. You're…very precious to me." 

I smiled warmly, basking in the glow of his regard. 

"Is there anything you want from Diagon Alley, while I'm there?" 

He looked at me consideringly and shook his head, saying quietly,

"Only you."

I shivered, and reached out to touch the full, sensual curve of his lower lip, wishing he was wearing his long sweeping teaching robes over his frock coat, so that I could be enveloped in them. 

"I love you, Severus. Every breath of you."

He pulled me to him once more, close, so that my face was buried in the soft, clean-smelling skin of his neck with my chin brushing against his high starched collar and my nose feeling the strong, steady throb of his pulse. 

At last, he put both hands on my shoulders and pushed me from him, saying,

"Go on, before you lose your nerve!"

"I hate Portkeys…"

"Yes, I know," he said dryly, "but then you hate all the alternatives too, don't you? Now get on with it!"

I sighed with reluctance and he watched me walk backwards to where Caius was waiting. I put my hand on the flowerpot he was holding, and turned to look at Severus. He stood at the foot of the steps beside the main entrance, with the huge splendour of the school enhancing rather than diminishing his stature. His stance was studiously indifferent, with his weight mostly shifted on to one leg and his left wrist clasped in his right hand, but he was watching me intently. I could already feel his absence from my side, and I felt the sickening lurch in my stomach even more keenly because of it.

The Portkey had taken us to the quiet courtyard in the middle of St Mungo's.

"You alright?" Caius asked as I brushed my hand across my forehead and tried to compose myself.

"Yes, fine," I muttered. "I just don't like this much, that's all,"

"What, travel by Portkey, or being away from my brother?"

"Both!" I replied, laughing ruefully at his perceptiveness.

"Hmm. Come on, let's go to Madam Malkin's and on the way you can tell me how he managed to ensnare you!"

"And you can tell me what you were both like when you were growing up!"

"Ah, you mean I get a chance to tell _my_ side of the story?"

Two hours later, my wedding gown was a perfect fit, and Caius was the proud owner of a Firebolt Seven series broom, which, he assured me, was 'almost as good as custom made!' We had soon settled into an easy, affectionately teasing friendship, and I delighted in everything about him; his familiar good looks, his deep, rich laughter, and his anecdotes about Severus which barraged me with insights into his personality. While he was gently disparaging about his elder brother, I could tell that he looked up to him and, Severus' time spent as a Death Eater  notwithstanding, admired him greatly. 

We were sitting at a table outside Florian Fortescue's when the conversation turned to Severus' lost years. Caius had been at Hogwarts, and had known little of his brother's life then until much later. When I told him a little of my own history and how it intersected with Severus', Caius was at a loss for words.

"And you can still love him, knowing what he was responsible for?" he asked, uncomprehending.

"What he did back then, what he was like, is a very small part of him. He was misguided. There's so much more to him…" I smiled, on my favourite subject now.

"He hasn't drugged you, has he? Given you a Love potion?"

"Caius, really!" I admonished. "He's your brother, you must see what a powerful presence he has!"

"I should think that it's precisely _because_ he's my brother that I can't!" he laughed. "He's just – just Sev, always into books and brewing, always snapping at me, always miserable!"

"Maybe it's time you got to know him a little better," I replied, all the talk about Severus making me draw my arms around myself, missing him.

Caius sat back in his seat and shot me an appraising look, so like Severus that it made me shiver.

"It cuts both ways, you know. But, I think you're right. It's time I did. Starting in – oh, say, half an hour? I just want to go to Borgin and Bangs, then we'll head back, okay?"

"Borgin and Bangs? What for?"

"To see if I can get a nice little grimoire for my dear brother, as a peace offering," he shrugged. "Or something from that rather scary old apothecary next door…"

"Caius, I really don't think he'd want us to go down Knockturn Alley…"

My protestations fell on determinedly deaf ears, since Caius was already scraping back his chair.

"You don't have to come. Wait here, finish your drink. I won't be long!" He flashed me a smile, and called, "Ten minutes!" as he was swallowed up by throngs of shoppers. 

I scowled at the place in the crowd where he had been, and rolled my eyes. Severus was so right about him. Impulsive and generous, but stupidly foolhardy and with a flagrant disregard for other people's better judgement and the dictates of common sense. A typical Gryffindor male indeed, and goodness only knew how long he would be when all I wanted to do was go home.

I sighed crossly, sitting back with what remained of my glass of pumpkin juice and resigning myself to a long wait. I cast my eyes along the length of Diagon Alley and allowed my mind to wander to Severus, my irritation ebbing away as I thought of our encounter at Florian Fortescue's almost a year before. I remembered the way his eyes had burned into me with a passion that I could not understand, and the way his fingers had splayed out on the table between us as he had leaned over it to berate me for my indiscretion. I felt a delicious tingle in the small of my back as I sank further into my reverie, reliving his words later that same day in my room at the Leaky Cauldron, and the unexpected fervour of his kiss. 

It was barely credible that so much could have happened between us in the preceding twelve months; now, here we were, with a baby and about to be married, and more in love than I had ever believed possible. I cast my mind back still further. Two years before, and I had not even started my tenure at Hogwarts. Two years ago, I had never set eyes on Severus Snape. The realisation chilled me as I tried to imagine what my life would have been like without him in it. Never to have felt his strong arms fastened around me, never to have tasted the intoxicating sweetness of his lips on mine, never to have surrendered to the overwhelming bliss of his virility, never to have been paralysed by his sheer presence. I shuddered at the thought. I would not want to exist in a world where our love would never be.

Something was dancing and bobbing in my peripheral vision, and I turned my attention back to the present. Glancing down to my right, I noticed a long, slender quill at my feet, being blown gently by the breeze from the small alley on whose junction with Diagon Alley Florian Fortescue's stood. The quill was acid green.

I gripped the arms of my chair in horrified fascination, and the quill rose slowly until it was hovering before my eyes as if challenging me to grasp it.

"What are you?" I frowned, feeling that somehow my interest would not be best served by rising to the bait. With a flourish it began to write in the air before me, large curlicued letters which glowed scarlet before fading into a quickly dissipating smoke once read. It began,

"Soon to be married Ella Redemte has been seen…"

I looked around frantically, but none of the passers-by seemed to notice that anything was amiss at my table, so I turned my attention back to the quill.

"…enjoying an intimate meal with yet another tall, dark man…"

A flash of anger overcame me and I swept the quill away with the back of my hand.

"You _bitch_!" I muttered through gritted teeth.

The quill flew off, darting unnoticed between in between several passers-by and back in to the alley from whence it came. I got to my feet, incensed beyond all reason. A typical Ravenclaw cool head and common sense would have dictated that I seethe in my seat until Caius deigned to return, but Rita Skeeter had been the cause of too much irritation for me to bow to my better judgement, even though I suspected her to have some involvement with Voldemort. I strode after the quill, after at least having the good sense to put a guarding charm on the packages I left at my table, and followed it as it bobbed and weaved down the alley, past shuttered shops fronts, dark doorways piled high with baskets, a tattoo parlour, a barber's shop, a small café. At length, the quill paused at the entrance to a shadowy passageway, and as I caught up, darted inside.

"Damn it!" I cursed, looking up and down the alley. It was busy, and a steady stream of customers meant that the reassuringly welcoming café's doorbell jangled incessantly. Despite a growing sense of unease, I was heartened by its bustling, brightly lit proximity and so I took a step towards the passage – and then everything shimmered, and lurched, and changed.

I was alone in the alley now, and shadows from the passageway lengthened and reached out into it, cloaking me, enfolding me in their icy fingers, caressing me, and drawing me in. I struggled against their inexorable pull, trying to step backwards, looking back at the café, now deserted and with darkened windows, huge unseeing eyes, and I tried to call out for someone to come to my aid, but my words died in my throat and were stillborn, silent gasps, inaudible even to my own ears.  

My arms were frozen to my sides and I was unable to withdraw my wand. My unwilling legs pulled me along, coaxed mercilessly by the icy shadows that pushed and jostled around me. Only when darkness surrounded me did they stop. 

At length I heard the distinctive clattering and scraping of too-high heels on cobblestones, accompanied by a heavier, more deliberate step punctuated by the regular metallic tapping of a cane, and I steeled myself. My eyes had grown accustomed to the darkness by degrees and as the pair approached I was able to make them out. I glared at them in impotent rage, and Malfoy commented casually,

"Do you see? I told you it would be irresistible. A red rag to a bull! Or, should I say, a green quill to a librarian!"

Rita Skeeter came forward and peered at me curiously through horn-rimmed spectacles. Her eye shadow was too blue, even in the tenebrous gloom of the passageway, framing reptilian eyes, cold and calculating. She smiled unpleasantly and called over her shoulder,

"Where's the boy, Lucius?"

"Oh, Draco?" Malfoy drawled, a cruel smile twisting his elegantly disdainful features. "Bring Ms Skeeter's bag now, there's a good chap!"

A third figure now presented itself to my horrified gaze, shuffling forward out of the shadows. Draco Malfoy looked terrible, his etiolated flesh darkened in places by multi-hued bruises and ugly weals. His eyes were glassy and sunken, underlined with deep, black shadows.

"What have you done to him?" I asked, appalled. "He's your _son_!"

Malfoy laughed and then stopped abruptly, approaching me and lifting my chin up with his snake-headed cane.

"And I will do with him as I wish! And my _wish_ is for him to serve our Master. Isn't that right, Draco?"

"Yes father," came the dull reply of someone obviously acting under Imperius.

"Silly boy's taken a bit of persuading, I have to admit…that school and its bleeding-heart Headmaster, not to mention your traitorous lover, have been mollycoddling him. But no matter…now that he bears the Dark Mark we'll soon lick him into shape."

"The bag, Lucius?" Rita Skeeter reminded him acidly.

"All in good time, Rita, all in good time!" he retorted smoothly.

I began to shiver with fear at the menace in his tone. I knew only too well the lengths to which he would go to serve his master, and the personal enmity he bore me was evident.

"What are you going to do to me?" I asked, trying to keep the tremors that had invaded my body from manifesting themselves in my voice.

"Such impatience!" Malfoy smiled. "Such keenness to learn! Draco, the bag!"

I noticed it then. A large, bamboo handled, tapestry carpetbag with a snap clasp, of the sort favoured by holidaying women thirty or more years ago. I remembered my mother having one when I was a small child. I would spend many a happy hour opening and closing it, fascinated both by its heavy gold hinged mechanism and by the mysterious dark depths said mechanism would reveal. I seemed to remember that my mother would throw everything into her bag, where it would be swallowed up in seemingly bottomless depths, only to re-emerge after much frantic rummaging. Often, my mother would let me search the bag for her, and my small arm would steal in up to the shoulder while I felt around blindly, identifying objects by touch alone, setting myself secret time limits for the completion of my task. I would imagine that failure of my mission would result in the loss of my arm as the bag's grinning crocodile jaw would surely snap shut. I shook myself mentally as these unbidden memories raced through my brain, painfully aware that it was neither the time nor the place to indulge in such fancies. This bag was not – _could_ not be – my mothers…and yet it looked so familiar. 

Lucius Malfoy smiled at the fleeting frown I allowed myself.

"I wonder what you would find if you looked inside…" he lilted mockingly. I shot him a quick glance and was perturbed to see knowing malevolence in his eyes. He _knew_. Fear gnawed at me and I bunched my fists in dread.

Rita Skeeter took the bag from Draco's slack grip and set it down on the cold stone cobbles, opening it with an audible snap that sent a hollow echo rebounding off the claustrophobically high passage walls. I could not take my eyes off the yawning jaw of the bag and the blackness therein. Grunting with exertion, she put both hands in the bag and lifted something that had been lying on its side, concealed within. My skin crawled unbearably as if millions of foul maggots infested my clothing, and my horror grew as a fetid stench curled from the gaping maw of the bag and assaulted my senses. 

Inside the bag was an amphora. It was of terracotta, unglazed and unadorned save for the snakes' heads adding detail to the handles either side of the narrow neck. It was terrifying in its ordinariness.

"What is that?" I asked in a low voice.

"Questions, questions! My dear girl, I would have expected _you_, of all people, to recognise a classical Greek amphora!"

Malfoy circled me as he spoke, trailing the head of his cane down my shoulders and across my back. "Ah, but perhaps your real meaning is, 'What lies within'? Hmm? And I believe the best way to answer your question is for you to discover for yourself!"

With a sharp prod of his cane against the small of my back, Malfoy pushed me forward and my centre of balance was lost. I pitched forwards, holding out my arms to save myself, but instead of the jarring impact of hard stone cobbles I felt instead a lengthening, stretching, dissolving sensation and I watched wide eyed in terror as I saw my arms elongate and twist as they were sucked inexorably in to the neck of the amphora. The sickening dissolution spread to my shoulders, neck and head and I plunged into the foetid black pit that was, I now knew beyond any shadow of doubt, Voldemort's new refuge.

               ***************************************************************

I was standing outside Hogwarts, on the front lawn. I almost wept with relief to find myself back at home, but then a movement glimpsed from the corner of my eye made me wheel round and cry out in horror. A shimmering, insubstantial form was gliding towards me and its high, keening, gleeful laughter filled my heart with despair.

"A very convincing facsimile, isn't it?" spoke the voice from my nightmares as Voldemort approached. In appearance he was unchanged from the last time I had encountered him, on the plateau. His skin was still crumbling parchment with open sores, his face pustulated and fitting so ill to his skull that it seemed to hang from it as if it had been added as a hurried afterthought. I dared not look at his hands, the memory of the agony of those yellowed talons and what they could do to me suddenly fresh and clear in my mind.

"Why have you brought me here? Where is everyone?" I clutched the emerald at my breast convulsively and screamed, "_Severus_!"

Voldemort threw back his misshapen head and crowed,

"No-one can hear you, Halfblood! You aren't really here, not yet! But oh, you will be! And you will give me such sport!"

I balled my fists as I replied,

"What do you mean?"

"What I _mean_, is to have my revenge on Severus Snape. Petty, I know, for one who will soon have the world at his feet, but he must be made aware of the measure of my wrath. And my…" his slitted lips turned down at the corners in a pouting parody of grief, "…_disappointmen_t."

I shuddered involuntarily at the foul meaning behind his words, and Voldemort's rank body glided close.

"Do you know where we are? We are in a pensieve, although I suppose you had guessed that much? But this is no ordinary pensieve. No, this pensieve does not hold memories of things which have been, but memories of things which _will_ be!"

"And you're the Ghost of Christmas Still To Come?" I retorted acidly.

"Charles Dickens! My, my, what an erudite little librarian you are, to take such an interest in the Muggle world! But then, your dear, departed mother was a Mudblood, wasn't she?"

I made no answer. Bile crept up my throat and lodged in my craw, awaiting its release, but I refused to rise to his bait. Instead I lifted my chin and looked him squarely in his red slitted eyes.

"So what are you going to show me?"

"This!"

With a wide sweep of his arm the scene around us changed and I had the strangest sensation that I was now two people inside one body. I was in a darkened room, bouncing up and down with a desperate enthusiasm over a prone figure stretched out underneath me. I could feel his member inside me as I drove myself towards completion, and while half of me was becoming lost in the throes of my orgasm, half of me, my true self, was filled with horror for I knew that the man underneath me and invading me was not Severus. A high, shrill laugh behind me told me that Voldemort had witnessed my horrified reaction and at once candelabra burst into flame, one at either side of the bed, illuminating the transported features of the man groaning beneath me. Sirius.

"No! No!" I screamed, scrabbling backwards, almost falling off the bed in my haste to break our intimate connection, but then the scene changed again and I was in Persephone's nursery. She was in my arms, and she was crying inconsolably. I wanted to comfort her, kiss her, rock her, but at the same time my 'other me', whose command over my body was for the moment far stronger, was disgusted and repelled by the mewling, ugly creature in my arms. I held her out at arms length and dropped her carelessly back in to her cot, ignoring her increasingly heart-rending screams, and I walked away even as my instincts were begging me to pick her up once more. I tried to stop myself, tried to regain control of my own will, but then everything shifted yet again and I was standing in the empty potions classroom.

No, not quite empty. He was there.

"Oh, Severus!" I sobbed, and made as if to run to him, but then found myself stopping myself, the other person inside my head making me watch him carefully instead, from an unwanted distance that locked me into silently screaming for his strength. His head was bent, and his long, dark locks obscured his face. I wanted to go to him, push those locks back from his face – No, I wanted to get a large pair of scissors and chop them off, and laugh, the silly man. Did he do it for effect? Because it didn't work on me. His hands were splayed out on the desk before him as he leant forward, with slumped shoulders. I wanted to ease his evident distress – No, I wanted to slap him.

"Leave me alone, I don't want you! I _never_ wanted you!"

I tried to stop myself saying the words I knew would destroy him, but I couldn't, because I was enjoying them too much. I felt my mouth form the words I desperately wanted to say, 'I love you, my love, I don't mean it, help me, save me, it isn't me, _save me_!' but the cruel words kept on coming out in their stead just the same. The other me was Voldemort's puppet, and together, he and I were too strong for me to fight. 

"Keep that brat away from me, too. I'm with Sirius now. He's all I ever wanted, you always knew that. You make me sick. You're worthless. You revolt me."

Severus raised his obsidian eyes to mine. Oh, such eyes. I wanted to wrap myself around him, sooth away his pain by pouring myself over him. I couldn't bear to look into those eyes and see the anguish I was causing, yet Voldemort would not let me look away. And as I berated Severus, on and on, he simply drew himself up to his full height, shuttered his emotions from me, and turned away.

"_Severus_!" I screamed, but I was outside Hogwarts again, on the side lawn this time, looking up to Godric's Seat where Severus was sitting with a small child, aged about two. At once my perspective shifted and I was there in front of them, Persephone the image in miniature of her father, and a sob wrenched from my throat as I saw her little face set in stone, frowning, sombre. Ineffably sad. My heart wept and I tried to reach out my arms to them, but they merely raised sorrowful eyes to mine and Persephone said,

"Mummy gone away."

Anguished, I cried out once more,

"No!" but Voldemort was relentless, showing me Sirius once more, making me desert my family so that I could run to him and let him pull me to him. Part of me tried to consume him with a ferocious kiss, wrapping my legs around his waist wantonly. The greater yet less powerful part of me wept as I watched Severus grieve, too broken even to fight for me, for what was the point, if I did not love him?

On and on it went, tableaux upon tableaux, each set worse than the ones before, until at last I no longer knew nor cared where I was or how I felt. I simply blotted out as much as I could and decided to endure it. Any resistance was futile and would only postpone the end game. At length Voldemort must have tired of his sport. My quiescence evidently spoiled his enjoyment of it. Shaking uncontrollably as I stood once more outside the school, or what passed for it, I turned to him bleakly and asked,

"Why?"               

"Because I can!"

"No," I shook my head vehemently. "Never. You'll never make me stop loving Severus. Or our daughter. Never."

"Do you doubt my power?"

"You doubt mine!"

"Oh, foolish, naïve girl!"

"Why are you showing me this?" I persisted.

"Because I want to see your despair! It will make witnessing your lover's destruction all the sweeter! Now I will Obliviate your memory of him, Impel you to chase after Sirius Black like a bitch in heat, and cast a Repelling charm on your offspring so that you will break Snape's heart once and for all by rejecting every tie you ever had with him, even the flesh of your flesh! And then, when the child and the man give up all hope at last, I shall claim her even as I break her father finally…his Dark Mark shall become hers, and she will be my bride…when she is grown enough for my purposes…seven or eight…" 

I had thought my horror at its peak. I had been wrong. Speechless, my mind was reeling, and I retched and turned away, heaving and clutching my stomach as its contents spilled on to the representation of Hogwarts' lawn, which looked just as it had when I had said goodbye to Severus just scant hours before. In an instant Voldemort had flashed to my other side, drawing close to me, his rank stench making me convulse once more. He lifted a long, yellowed talon and stroked my chin, wiping the residue of my disgust from my chin and rubbing it between parched, cracking fingers. I did not flinch. The horror of his physical proximity now was as nothing compared to the nightmarish vision of what he intended for my daughter. I would not let him win. The thought of Persephone alone and defenceless, used in ways so appalling my mind shrank from their contemplation lest I be driven beyond reason, galvanised my resolve. 

"You should know by now not to underestimate the power of a mother's love, Voldemort. Don't you learn from past mistakes?" I mocked. I did not doubt Voldemort's power, or the extent of his cruelty and venom. But nor did I doubt my devotion to Severus and Persephone and I clutched my emerald once more, as I was so accustomed to doing in times of stress. It was my talisman, my link to Severus, and I prayed to the Fates for them to come to my aid and release me from Voldemort's poisonous grip.

Images of the Dark Mark and our attempts to remove it flooded my mind and I struggled to subdue them, lest Voldemort be made aware of what had been my intention.

"What are you hiding from me?" he asked in a thin, high voice, now pressing a talon to my temple, its sharp point pressing into my skin. As he twisted it I felt a small trickle of blood fall like a tear down my forehead until it reached the outer corner of my eye, and I blinked, coating everything I saw in livid red.

I wanted nothing more than for Severus to rescue me, but the life blood in my eye, reminding me of my own vitality and all I had to live for, and fight for, gave me a clarity of vision that I had not expected, showing me that passivity was a luxury I could not afford. I screwed my eyes tight to shut out the dreadfulness of Voldemort's evil rictus, and gripped the emerald, pouring into it all the love that I had; my mother, my father, my sister, my daughter, my husband.  My heart filled with an unshakeable determination, and I marshalled all my strength as I called out across unknown dimensions,

"Severus! Oh, Severus, let me come back to you! Please, let him not win!"

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Well, you didn't expect I'd let them just cruise along till their wedding day, did you? You know me better than that by now!

Please feel free to get it off your chests by pressing the little review button!


	51. I Need To Be Behind Your Castle Walls

Chapter 53 

I Need To Be Behind Your Castle Walls

Not until later did I discover the full story behind my miraculous escape, but before Voldemort could begin to carry out his threat I felt myself falling backwards and I began to be sucked back out through the neck of the amphora. I flew out with a jolt, slamming back into my body with such force that I was thrown against the passageway wall.

"Ah! Mmph, Severus!" I groaned, winded, to find instead Caius at my side, helping me to my feet. I looked across the passageway, illuminated by Caius' wand, to see a grim-faced Severus, wand arm outstretched, beautiful but terrible to behold, using all of his formidable power to ward us from harm with a skein of silver light.

"The bag…" I wheezed, pointing feebly.

"I know!" he snapped, his features transfigured with power and rage. "Caius!"

Caius cast a binding charm on the carpetbag, but it had powerful wards protecting it, and deflected the spell instead before popping out of existence. Severus and Caius cursed in unison. Malfoy and his son were nowhere to be seen, and Rita Skeeter laughed, a brittle, harsh sound, as she said defiantly,

"Did you really think it would be that easy, Snape? Our Lord is beyond your reach. Don't for one minute think you are safe!"

With that parting comment shot in my direction in particular, she transfigured into a large beetle. Immediately, Severus dropped the protective ward and roared,

"Petrificus Totalis!" immobilising the beetle before it could scuttle away into the shadows. He strode over to it, his face black with barely controlled fury, and he placed his foot over it as if to crush it to dust beneath his feet.

"Severus, no!" I croaked, and he turned to look at me, his eyes twin stormy seas of roiling emotion; rage, fear, hatred, and then, as they rested on my face, the waters were calmed by love.

"Ella…" He struggled to compose himself, his features twisting as his reason battled with his instinct.

"You can't, love! You're better than that! Let the Ministry deal with her, and the Dementors! She must be interrogated!"

With a supreme effort, Severus clenched his fists and through gritted teeth muttered an expletive and angrily pulled a silk handkerchief from his pocket before stooping to pluck the petrified beetle from the cobbles. He wrapped it tightly and began to stride off, stopping and turning back to us with a menacing,

"Try to look after her this time, Caius, for a few minutes at least!" With that, he marched down the passage to its end, looking up and down and then heading to the nearby café.

Caius put my arm around his shoulders, and with his arm around my waist he supported me so that we could follow. We emerged to see Severus closing the café door behind him, holding a large jar with a cork stopper lid, into which he placed Rita Skeeter. After stoppering the jar, he placed it on the ground and withdrew his wand once more in order to perform a series of sealing charms, some of which I had never heard before and assumed were dark magic. Caius looked alarmed at some of the incantations and, looking around to make sure that passers-by further down the alley were out of earshot and thus unable to hear the arcane dark spells, said,

"Look, Sev, is that really necessary – "

"Shut up, you idiot!" Severus snapped, flashing him a warning look, and Caius made no further comment. After he had finished, Severus wiped a light sheen of sweat from his brow and turned to us.

"Caius," he said shortly, "I had to do that. You have _no_ idea – we can't take any chances!"

Caius nodded his acknowledgement, and Severus at last turned to me, pacing across to where I had slumped down against the alleyway wall. He dropped to his knees and drew me across his lap, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and splaying his hands across them to press me more closely to him.

"Oh, Ella!" he said, allowing his voice to crack as he hid his face in my hair. "What did he do to you? I felt – I felt your absence! I thought I'd lost you!"

"If Voldemort had had his way, you would have!" I shivered, holding on to him so tightly I could feel his buttons, and even his ribs, digging into my chest, so very tightly that it hurt, but I welcomed the discomfort because it was him, and I had feared I would never hold him like that again.

"Take me home, Severus. I need to see our baby."

Pausing only to retrieve our packages from outside Florian Fortescue's, Severus insisted we apparate to Hogwarts immediately, and despite my aversion to it, for once I agreed readily, noticing Severus' look of mild surprise, although he passed no comment. Once we had appeared on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest, Caius offered Severus his new broom so that he could fly me back to Hogwarts, while he would follow on foot. Again, I put up no objection, climbing on to the broom with alacrity and sitting behind Severus this time, so that I could wind my arms around his waist and hold on to him as tightly as I was able. That way, too, he would not be able to see my tears, shed in anticipation of the nightmare I would have to reveal to him.

Landing on the front lawn, Severus took my hand and we practically ran into the school, clattering down the steps to dungeon level, racing along the corridors. We burst into our rooms, startling Madam Pomfrey who rose to her feet with an

"Oh! Oh, my dear girl! You're safe!"

"Where's Persephone?"

Hermione emerged from the nursery, wide eyed with worry, holding a small bundle wrapped in a white blanket.

"She's here, Ella!"

Sobbing, I rushed to her and took my baby from her, holding her close to my face, breathing in her baby smell, feeling her tiny head with its shock of black hair as it rubbed against the palm of my hand. Feeling her arms and legs begin to pump as she recognised and responded to my familiar scent.

"Oh, my baby, my baby!" I cried, as Severus ushered us into the nursery, instructing Hermione and Madam Pomfrey to call the Headmaster and wait for us for a few minutes. Closing the door behind us he wrapped his arms around Persephone and me and hugged me fiercely.

"He can't, he can't! Don't let him do it!" I sobbed, barely coherent. I knew that Persephone was picking up on my distress and I tried to calm down, but I was too distraught at what I had seen, and been made to feel, and she began to cry.

"Ella, listen to me!" Severus' low voice cut through my wails as he urged, "You're no use to Persephone like this. Calm down, at least until she's settled. Then you must tell us _exactly_ what happened. It's very important!"

"Don't tell _me_ how important it is! I was _there_!" I snapped, raising tear filled eyes to his. Severus sighed heavily and cupped my face in his hand. He lowered his head to mine and reiterated,

"You must be strong now, Ella. _For our daughter_."

His firm tone and calming gaze soothed me, and I took a ragged breath before nodding and beginning to rock Persephone. Soon she had gone back to sleep, and after I had lain her down in her cot, Severus, in turn, rocked me, stroking my hair, whispering into it, until at length he held my shoulders in his hands and said gently,

"Come on. They're waiting for us."

Sirius, Remus and Professor McGonagall had accompanied the Headmaster, along with Caius and Harry, who had encountered one another on the front lawn. I sat at one end of a sofa to tell my story, with Severus standing at my side. Severus was infuriated when he heard how Caius had left me alone, and was even more annoyed when I confessed how easily I had been entrapped.

"How dare you put her at risk?" he spat at his hapless brother.

"I'm not helpless, Severus!" I argued, trying to deflect Severus and defend Caius, who appeared genuinely devastated at the turn of events, and not least, I surmised, because he hated letting his brother down.

"No, but you're just as foolhardy as he is, aren't you? Whatever possessed you to follow that quill, suspecting Skeeter as you did?"

Fortunately his question was rhetorical, for I had no answer, and he soon turned his attention back to Caius.

"It's your pernicious influence, isn't it?" he accused, unfairly. At last, Dumbledore stepped in with a calming,

"Well then, well then, let us not be distracted from the matter in hand, Severus! Ella still has much important information to impart. Information that could be invaluable in our struggle."

His tone was mild, but there was no mistaking his meaning. Severus scowled, but held his peace.

When I began to describe my conversation with Voldemort and the dreadful tableaux I had witnessed I faltered, and Severus squatted beside me, no trace of criticism or resentment at my rashness remaining. He held my hands in his, willing me his strength so that I could proceed. His face was filled with rage as I outlined Voldemort's purpose, replaced by horror as I went on to describe how I had seen myself be made to behave. I could not look at him as I described rejecting him in order to pursue Sirius, and I cast my eyes about the room, wishing I had never mentioned his name at all.

For a few moments my eyes locked on Sirius and he gazed at me hopelessly, making no attempt to hide his true feelings for me. Severus' head snapped round to follow the direction of my gaze and as I saw his hair flip round his face from the corner of my eye, the moment passed and I dropped my eyes, only lifting them to look at Severus once more and see him glare at Sirius.

"Oh no," I thought, "I don't want this!" I looked frantically between Severus and Sirius, one with nostrils flaring slightly as his lips curled into a jealous sneer, one who looked both guilty and abashed.

Hurriedly, although it broke my heart to put it into words, I went on to describe the way Voldemort had made me reject my own baby, and Severus put aside his anger and suspicion for a while as he squeezed my hands in his.

At last it was over, and I had recounted all that I could. I buried my face in my hands hoping that darkness would black out the distressing images from my mind, but my action only served to make my memories even more vivid, and I shuddered and looked up once more.

"What happened to Malfoy?" I asked with bated breath.

"Ah, Severus has not told you?"

I shook my head and the Headmaster continued,

"When Severus realised something was badly amiss, he, ah, alerted me, and I contacted the Ministry. Aurors were dispatched to Diagon Alley immediately, and they were able to intercept the Malfoys, both father and son, before they were able to disapparate."

"They were caught?" I breathed, hardly daring to believe it.

"Yes, they were," said Severus grimly. "_I_ stupefied them. Caught Lucius by surprise. He always was an arrogant fool, and he wasn't expecting to be so easily found. As for Draco…well, he was in no condition to offer any resistance. Then all the aurors had to do was take them into custody."

"I stand corrected, Severus. I was merely recounting events as the Ministry told them to me," said the Headmaster.

"That figures," Sirius commented acidly. "Never ones to give credit where it's due, are they?"

"Particularly where it involves a former Death Eater," Severus added bitterly. "Fortunate for us that your word still holds such sway at the Ministry, Albus."

"Factor is certainly an improvement on Fudge, to be sure," noted Professor Dumbledore thoughtfully, rising to his feet. "I must speak with him immediately, so we will take our leave now. The two of you have much to discuss, and it will be better done without an audience."

I glanced up at Severus who was glaring suspiciously at Sirius again, and my heart sank once more. 

After he had ushered everyone out and closed the door behind them, he turned and leaned against it, watching me carefully for a few moments. Then, with exaggerated casualness, he sauntered across the room, running one hand lightly over the furniture as he passed. Stopping beside the sofa opposite mine, he looked down at me appraisingly, his fingers flexing at his sides.

Desperate for the comfort only he could give, I begged,

"Oh, hold me, Severus!"

"Later," he retorted coolly. "Albus was right. We need to talk, Ella." I had never experienced such glacial self control from him before, and it chilled me to imagine that I might have lost his trust. He sat down opposite me and leaned back, crossing his legs and folding his hands formally in his lap.

"Can't it wait?"

He shook his head slowly.

"No, it can't. I have a feeling it's already waited long enough."

I tried, and failed, to keep tears from pooling in my eyes. I yearned to be held by him, to be enveloped by him, to crawl into an everlasting embrace, to lose myself in the strength of his body, but the last thing I wanted was for Severus to accuse me of using my feminine wiles to manipulate him. I swallowed hard.

"What do we have to talk about?"

He had been looking at me levelly but now he dropped his gaze to his knee and I watched the way his long lashes cast shadows on his cheeks. He was silent for a moment and while he considered his reply he brushed what I presumed to be an imaginary speck of dust from his trousers. One eyebrow lifted almost imperceptibly as he said carefully, 

"I need you to tell me why Voldemort thought to pair you, in his sick little fantasy, with Sirius Black." He flicked his eyes up to mine once more and I held my breath as his penetrating gaze paralysed me.

"I want you to tell me exactly what happened between the two of you in France."

I exhaled in a long, shuddering gasp.

"Nothing happened."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying!"

"Something happened."

"No! It was nothing, _nothing_!"

"So, there was something?"

"No! Severus, it doesn't _matter_, I thought we were beyond petty jealousy!"

"We are, and I trust you. Now tell me the truth."

My voice had been rising as I became more and more frantic in my hopeless attempts at denial. Severus' voice, manner and posture had not altered. He was as immovable as a statue, and yet I knew his calm was as deceptive as the surface of the lake outside our window.

"I never lied to you. I never have, and I never will."

"I believe you. Now tell me, how far did it go?"

"Nowhere, love. One evening outside my room..." - I saw a flicker of jealous fear cross his face  - "...he kissed me. I - I kissed him back, and then I said your name. I was thinking of _you_. I thought about you incessantly. He'd spent _days_ trying to encourage me to talk about you. I missed you so terribly and he - he was just - _there_. For a few moments, he could have been you. And that's what made me finally tell him everything. I couldn't lie to myself any more, after that."

Severus' face had been mask-like during my soliloquy. Now, he uncrossed his legs and leaned forward in his seat, tenting his long fingers as he said,

"Why have you never told me this before? If it really did happen as you say - "

"It did!"

"Then why conceal it from me?"

"I didn't! I just...omitted telling you."

"Semantics, Ella! Don't insult my intelligence," he warned.

"I didn't want to upset you. I knew how you resented Sirius. You were so insecure, and we were so happy, so I put it out of my mind… and then you and Sirius actually reached a truce, in Europe, and I didn't want that to end. And if it does, end, I mean, then Voldemort will win, won't he, in some small way?"

Severus rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face with his hands. I stood, unable to bear his distance from me any longer, and willing to risk his rejection in the hope of acceptance. I walked around the low table between the two sofas, sitting on it in front of him, taking his wrists in my hands. He offered no resistance as I pulled them from his face and held his hands in mine.

"It was nothing, Severus. Don't let it come between us," I pleaded, gazing deep into his eyes.

"I told you, Ella, I believe you and I trust you. And I won't let your..._selective honesty_ come between us."

"Selective honesty?" I echoed incredulously. His gaze softened as he stroked my cheek with long, tapering fingers and I leant into his delicate touch.

"My cunning Ravenclaw," he mused, the beginning of a smile beginning to dance in his eyes.

"You're taking this very well," I said suspiciously, forgetting, in my disbelief, to be grateful for small mercies. His mouth curled slightly and he began to smirk.

"I've always suspected far worse. And now that I finally know the truth, it's nowhere near as bad as I had feared."

"Well, what on earth - surely you didn't suspect that I'd _slept_ with him?"

"It had crossed my mind, when you first came back and I was wild with jealousy and grief, but seriously? No, not that. Somewhere between that and a misguided goodnight kiss in a corridor."

I traced the soft curves of his full, sensual lips with my fingers and stared as he opened his mouth slightly and kissed them.

"Does this mean you forgive me?"

"For coming back to me? It would be foolish not to, don't you think?" he mocked gently. "Foolish of me to throw it all away, after all the upheaval you've subjected me to these last months!"

"Upheaval?"

"Yes," he continued, the slight smile now curving the corners of his lips. "I have had to make more adjustments to my lifestyle than I think you know. I've had to learn that even amongst a throng of people, I will recognise your voice instantly, I've learnt how to distinguish your scent, wherever we are. I've learnt how to interpret all the little moans and sighs you make when we make love, what all the various expressions on your beautiful face can mean, and how I can put them there whenever I wish…and I can't remember the last time I put myself first. You turned my life upside down, and now I can't imagine it being any other way. And I'm even prepared to put up with other people, all for you. Need I go on?"

His words were balm to my soul, warming me with the love he so evidently felt for me. Reassured, I had to ask,

"And Sirius? Does that include him?"

Severus grimaced, and then shook his head dismissively.

"Even him. He doesn't matter, Ella. Not any more. He won't be the one waiting for you on that jetty on Saturday…"

His eyes were black, endlessly deep, and I felt myself falling into him once more.

"Let me taste you..." I whispered, leaning forward and covering his lips with mine, moaning softly as he flicked his tongue into my mouth. His arms snaked around my waist so that he could pull me from the table on to his lap, and then he was holding me closely against him at last, running his hand over my back, down along my thighs and back up again to tangle in the hair at the back of my neck. After a while we just sat together, gazing into each other's eyes, and planting kisses over one another's faces. I kissed his nose, his cheeks, his eyelids, and he in turn ran his tongue along my eyelashes and nibbled gently at my lips. I sighed, our delicate attentions sending increasingly delicious sensations to my most sensitive places, while the small of my back tingled unbearably and I wriggled against him. I ached for the sensation of skin gliding across skin, warmth feeding warmth, but there were questions I still needed to ask him, assurances I needed him to make before I could truly relax. 

"Severus, you still haven't told me how you came to rescue me!'

"I heard you," he said quietly as he wound my hair around his gently stroking fingers. "Don't ask me how, I just knew. The magical properties of the emeralds, I think. They channel our love for one another, there's a strong psychic link. Anyway, I was in my office, finishing our rings, when I heard your voice in my head again, and I knew something was wrong. I warned Albus, and left straight away. By the time I could apparate to Diagon Alley I felt - bereft. I was aware of your absence from me. The lack of your love. It was terrifying, and I knew something had happened to you."

"I would have been in the amphora by then."

"Yes, that would explain how I felt," he said seriously, drawing me to him and resting his cheek against my head. "Anyway, I saw Caius outside Florian Fortescue's looking puzzled, the irresponsible fool, and we started to search for you. He should never have left you, I_ told_ him to look after you!"

"It was my _own_ fault, falling for Skeeter's bait! Don't be so quick to blame him."

"Hmm, well, it wasn't one of your more sensible acts, _that's_ for sure. What _were_ you thinking? Anyway," he shrugged, lifting his left arm, "_This_ thing was burning, so I just followed the pain! As soon as I saw the Malfoys I stupefied them, but Skeeter and I had quite a duel before Caius could get you out of the amphora, and then as soon as I knew you were safe I had to stop duelling and ward us all instead."

"What did Caius do? How was he able to get me out? I thought he was you."

"He gave your body a good shake. You were like a wax effigy, a - a husk!" he continued, his brow knitting as he relived the experience. "Your eyes were glassy. Dead. But I don't even think it _was_ Caius that got you out. You got_ yourself_ out, Ella, from what you said."

"I had to get back to you and Persephone. The things he said…he was…unspeakable."

"I know, love. Shh, you're safe now." 

He sighed thoughtfully as he held me closer, calming my shaking frame with firm caresses as I lay nestled in his arms, and mused, 

"That Skeeter woman never used to be so powerful. It was Voldemort working through her, I'm sure of it. That's why I went to such lengths to ward that jar."

"Where's the jar now?" 

"I gave it to Albus earlier. He'll keep it safe."

"And what about the new Minister for Magic? Can he be trusted?"

"Factor? Well, Albus seems to think so, and I trust his judgement. It's all I _can_ do. I just wish Caius had tried a bit harder to get that bag!"

"Oh, Severus, please let up on him! Even _you_ couldn't have prevented it from disapparating! Its wards were far too strong!"

"I suppose so," he allowed grudgingly. "But even so, he let me down."

"How could he have known? He left me for a few minutes in a public place. And he did it to go and find a gift for you. A peace offering, he said. He's trying, love!"

"Very," Severus agreed morosely, but hugged me a little more tightly for a brief moment, to soften his comment.

"The fault was all mine. If he let you down, then I did, too! And Rita Skeeter threatened me, Severus. She said I wasn't safe."

"I know, love," he replied, cupping my face in his hand and frowning into my eyes. "We'll never be able to be completely free of Voldemort, until he's defeated. His vindictiveness is legend, and he's made the enmity he bears us both all too apparent! We've thwarted his wishes too many times for him to leave us alone now." 

A shiver passed through his body and fear and disgust flashed across his face. I knew he was remembering atrocities he had suffered at Voldemort's hands, and my heart ached for him. He must have misunderstood the reason for the sadness in my eyes, because he continued,

"But you're safe now, here at Hogwarts, and once we're married _no-one_ will be able to take you away from me, not even him. We'll be bound together by an ancient, sacred magical vow. It'll be unbreakable. Even stronger than the Dark Mark. You'll only be able to fall out of love with me of your own free will."

"And that won't _ever_ happen. Two more days, and I'll be _yours_."

A wave of feeling swept across his face and he drew in his breath.

"Just two more days," he echoed. "Don't ever leave me, Ella! I never want to lose you."

I was even more determined to attempt the removal of the Dark Mark now, for I knew there was still much that he had kept from me with regard to the many physical and psychological scars inflicted over the years by Lord Voldemort. As I let him hold me to him I rejoiced in the feeling of his hand on my hair, burying my nose in his neck so that I could breathe in his musky, manly scent, and I took full stock of just how important my intention had become. From what had appeared to be a chance discovery in a long-forgotten secret room, I had found that I was fulfilling a sometime clairvoyant's prediction that would not just help Severus come to terms with his past but that would actually keep our relationship and future happiness from jeopardy.

The weight of responsibility was beginning to weigh heavily on my shoulders and I sank more deeply into Severus' embrace, trusting as always in his unique ability to soothe all my troubles away. And later, as we slept on our bed in a longed for tangle of limbs and warm flesh, he kept my nightmares at bay.

         ***************************************************

**AUTHOR'S NOTE;**

Something I discovered about emeralds as I was writing this story, which I ought to have shared with you before, from a website about birthstones; 

In ancient Rome people associated emeralds with the goddess Venus because the stone symbolized reproduction. They were also believed to give a person psychic powers, since the gem could tell if a lover's affections were true. During the Middle Ages, people believed emeralds could stop bleeding and fevers and calm a person's mind. The stone was also connected to eyesight, and one legend reports the gem could blind snakes while they were being charmed. Today, emeralds are associated with the themes of rebirth, romance, and spring.


	52. Come Love Me Again

AUTHOR'S NOTE; Wow! Many, many thanks for all your reviews! I really appreciate everybody's comments, both from newcomers to the story and from my regular reviewers. Keep it coming, LOL! 

Special mention again to Gwenn, Superwitch, Arachne's Child and White Raven, (go read them!) and also to Bella – when a reader so obviously 'gets' what I'm trying to do, it's a complete joy! Thank you SO much. 

Thistle – your reviews are sending me scurrying back to the text to correct typos! However, 'shorts' instead of 'shots' isn't one of them! In the UK we never, ever call a measure of spirits a shot. It is a short, as in a short measure of something rather than a pint or a half. Your attention to detail is making me very nervous! ;-)))

Several people, throughout the history of this fic, haven't been able to identify with or understand Ella. That's fair enough; as in life, we don't like everyone we meet. All I have to say is, I deliberately made her flawed. Almost as badly as he is. She's stubborn, evasive, impulsive, overly emotional (heck, given her history, who wouldn't be?) and she's never been able to settle down, until now. I didn't want her to be a perfect little Mary Sue. Life isn't like that, and he deserves better. By giving them both problems I wanted to show that they are equals, and it provides more 'balance' in their relationship. They both have to get over themselves because they're meant to be together!

As far as the number and frequency of my 'lemon' scenes is concerned…some people love them, a few are concerned they're a little gratuitous at times. Maybe, but they're fun to write! ;-)) And they were my initial motivation for even writing the story in the first place, so they're staying! And as far as sex during pregnancy goes…as a mother of three, all I can do is go by my own (comprehensive) experience. It is all possible, and surprisingly easy if you're determined enough!

Chapter 54 

Come Love Me Again

I woke early on the morning of our wedding and, opening my eyes, found that Severus must have woken earlier still, for he was staring at my face. Lines on the outer corners of his eyes crinkled as he smiled softly, and he leaned over to kiss me tenderly.

"I'm glad you came to get me last night!" he murmured, nuzzling my nose with his.

"Well, I couldn't sleep without you. And I don't believe in stupid superstition anyway."

"Mmm, I'm pleased to hear you talking sense again! Oh, and look outside, the storm's passed. Your screams last night must have chased it away!"

"It's _you_, it wouldn't dare rain on Severus Snape's wedding day!" I smiled, stretching against him happily and savouring the warmth of his body as it pressed into mine. "But I must insist you go back to my old rooms before Hermione gets here. We need to get ready alone, and besides, Remus has all your clothes, doesn't he?"

"Yes, and we wouldn't want to disappoint everybody by telling them we'd broken with tradition, would we?" he replied dryly.

"Why on _earth_ did you let me agree to our spending last night apart?"

"Hah! Because you seemed – caught up in all the excitement! Hermione's enthusiasm was rather cloyingly infectious last night, I noticed. And anyway, I _knew_ you'd never last the night without me!" he finished smugly, shifting his position slightly in order to capture my right nipple in his mouth and remind me of just how thoroughly he had proved his point to me mere hours earlier.

                   ************************************************************* 

The night before had been most enjoyable, I remembered. A morning audience with the Headmaster had informed us of the transfer of the Malfoys and Rita Skeeter to Azkaban prison, where they would await trial, although there had still been no sightings of Cornelius Fudge, or the errant carpet bag. While concerned that Fudge was still at large, and probably accompanying his master, I was heartened that my erstwhile abductors were no longer a threat, although Severus and I were somewhat concerned for Draco's welfare. Antrobus Firkin, who was to officiate at our wedding, had arrived after lunch and Severus had informed me that we were expected to attend dinner that evening so that he could make our acquaintance and discuss the ceremony with us.

Doctor Firkin was taller than Severus, more imposing even than Dumbledore, but his manner was kindly and his laughter sincere and frequent, so I was put immediately at my ease. He was seated directly opposite Severus, who answered his questions readily and with better grace than I had ever witnessed before. Remus, sitting to my left, muttered to me at one point,

"I've never seen Severus quite so amenable! Getting married must agree with him!"

I grinned back at him,

"Make the most of it, he'll only be doing it once!"

" – Ella, what do you think? You agree with me, don't you?"

Severus' insistent tone jolted me back to the conversation he had been having with Doctor Firkin.

"What?"

"The vows, Ella!" he frowned, irritated. "Do pay attention, this is important!"

"I'm sorry, love, I was talking to Remus. He was remarking on your good humour!"

"Hmm, was he, indeed?"

"So, what about the vows?"

"I was asking Severus whether or not you would be making your own, personal vows to one another publicly or privately, Miss Redemte?" asked Doctor Firkin, smiling amusedly.

"And _I_ was saying we would prefer to keep them private, wouldn't we?" Severus emphasised meaningfully.

"Oh, right. Private meaning..?"

"Meaning private, obviously!" Severus snapped, "As in, for your ears only!"

"On the other hand," I began, "A marriage celebration is meant to be a public declaration of our love, and our intentions…"

Severus gave me the sort of look that any other bride would no doubt be most perturbed to receive on the eve of her wedding. However, I was not any bride, I was Severus' bride, so was not in the least disconcerted. Instead, trying to hide an indulgent smile, I squeezed his thigh under the table and continued soothingly,

"…But I agree, that particular part of the proceedings should be for the two of us alone to share and remember. We still make other vows during the ceremony, after all."

Mollified, Severus put his hand over mine and turned back to Firkin.

"Then it's settled."

"Very well," smiled the old wizard, and he began to explain to us the exact form the service would take, first forewarning us that the magic in the air on our wedding day would be a palpable, physical entity all its own, and would react to us and interact with us both, since it would be born from the chemistry that existed between us and the ancient mystical significance of the occasion. Severus and I exchanged knowing glances and I wondered whether anyone present, ourselves included, would truly be prepared for the pyrotechnic display I was sure our love would conjure.

We all retired to the staff room after dinner, sitting around a blazing fire with goblets of a particularly fine claret from Hogwarts' cellar. Conversation was informal and relaxed, all reference to Voldemort and his cohorts off-limits by tacit agreement, and I was glad of it. Severus spoke to Caius when required to do so but was cool and wary, and I held out only a slim hope that their differences could be resolved. Caius' attempts at humour were half-hearted, and by the end of the evening he had a dejected mien that made me want to drag both him and my fiancé to an empty classroom and lock them both in until they made their peace.

Through it all, Persephone slept on, and only when she began to stir did we decide it was time to retire.

"You aren't both going back to the dungeons, are you?" asked Hermione, her eyes wide with surprise.

"And where else would you suggest we go, Hermione?" asked Severus pointedly. "_Do_ tell us. The library, perhaps?"

"You can't stay together, not tonight!"

Severus' arm slipped around my shoulders possessively as he asked, 

"Why ever not?"

"It's bad luck to see the bride on her wedding morning, that's why!"

"Pah! A stupid Muggle superstition, I might have known _you'd_ come up with something like this!"

"No, Severus, it's actually traditional," I said. "My mum and dad didn't see each other until the church. Well, actually, that's the way it was anyway back then, Muggles rarely used to cohabit before marriage… but even so, it'd be nice to at least pay lip service to tradition…"

He looked down at me, exasperated, and said,

"You _do_ know this is the _wine_ talking, don't you? I can't believe you're suggesting we spend a night apart!"

"Our last one ever!" I replied, smiling up into his eyes so that our lips were just inches apart. His frown softened and I could see a calculating half smile begin to play on his lips as he decided to humour me.

"Alright then. I'll sleep in your old rooms tonight. But I'll walk you home first."

"No! You might cheat!" chipped in Hermione, earning a raised eyebrow for her comment. I think several house points would have been removed had she still been a student. "Remus and I will see Ella and Persephone back to the dungeons. Sirius can escort you to Ella's old rooms."

"Oh, goody, my very own guard dog!" drawled Severus sourly. "Anyone would think you didn't trust me!"

We got up and pushed Persephone into the corridor outside the staff room. Severus closed the door behind us so that we could say our goodnights in private.

"This is a ridiculous idea!" Severus muttered as he pushed me against the wall and bent to kiss my neck. "I'll miss you!" he added, nuzzling my ear with his nose while one hand cupped my breast and the other ran down my spine and then pressed my abdomen hard against his. 

"Severus!" I gasped, "What are you doing?"

"Making you realise the enormity of the mistake you made in there," he growled between kisses, pushing one leg between mine so that I could feel said enormity growing against my hip. His lips travelled along my jaw until they were covering mine hungrily. He kissed me long and hard, until they felt swollen and bruised, and my desire for him was a sharp, insistent ache at the juncture of my thighs. When at last Sirius opened the staff room door he released me with a suggestively whispered,

"I'll be dreaming of you all night!" and a wolfish smile, then he bent into the pushchair to give his daughter a gentle kiss.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Ella! Don't keep me waiting too long!" he ordered before turning on his heel and striding off down the corridor, calling over his shoulder with an impatient flourish of his hand,

"Come on, Black! _Heel_!" as the shadows swallowed him up, leaving me standing holding on to the handle of the pushchair, my legs wobbling.

"Are you okay, Ella?" asked Hermione curiously as she and Remus followed Sirius out of the staff room.

"Oh, yes!" I smiled breathlessly as I stared down the corridor along which he had disappeared.

After seeing us safely to our door, Hermione and Remus bade us goodnight and Hermione confirmed that she would come the following morning with our dresses and accessories. Remus established with me that all Severus' things had been moved out of our rooms already, since he had agreed to let Remus help him prepare for the ceremony. I was saddened, although not altogether surprised, that Severus had chosen Remus to fulfil that role over his brother, but I still held on to the hope that one day, when Caius' latest supposed misdemeanour was a distant memory, they might be reconciled.

Locking and warding the door after they had gone, I went to pick Persephone up and set about feeding her and readying her for bed. An hour later I was finally able to crawl into bed myself, but sleep eluded me. I had come to hate sleeping alone, as it only served as a reminder of less happy times. The slightly fuzzy, merry effect of several goblets of fine wine had been nullified the instant Severus had pinned me to the wall and bade me a provocative goodnight, and now I tossed and turned, reaching out to his pillow and pulling it to me restlessly.

"Severus was right, this _is_ ridiculous!" I thought to myself, taking the emerald in my hand and muttering "Mirror Mirabilis!" impatiently.

Severus was lying in my old bed, his eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. From my vantage point it appeared he was looking directly at me and I felt a familiar tingle in the small of my back as I looked into his eyes, the perspective making me wish I could dive into the emerald and plunge into those enticing black depths. Both of his hands were behind his head, and his chest was bare. The room was dark, so I saw him in monochrome, the greenish cast caused by the stone accentuating the pallor of his skin and the darkness of his eyes and hair. And the mouth-watering thatch under each arm, where I longed to rest my head, and his body hair, beginning with a light smattering of black across his chest, and then forming a thin black path leading down below the sheet. I devoured the sight of him, remembering our kiss outside the staff room and wishing I could run my hands across his chest, pull down that sheet…as I gazed on, he began to smile faintly and he kicked the sheet from his body.

"I hope you're thinking of me!" I thought as my eyes followed his hand as it travelled down that familiar black pathway. "Oh…oh, _Severus!_…Oh, damn it, I've had enough of this!"

I jumped from the bed and pulled on my robe, opening Severus' wardrobe and grabbing his teaching robes, the first garment that came to hand, before pacing to the nursery. Peering into her crib I satisfied myself that Persephone was soundly asleep, and muttered a quick charm that would alert me to her cries were she to wake. Then, hurrying to the fireplace in the living room, I flung a handful of Floo powder into the fire and gave my destination – 

"My old rooms, basement, Hospital Wing!"

He was waiting for me as I stumbled out of the grate, catching me and pressing me to his naked body.

"You took your time!" he said dryly.

"Oh, how did you know?" I gasped feverishly, running my hands all over him and planting kisses across his chest.

"I _told_ you not to keep me waiting too long! What happened?"

"I was trying to resist you!"

"Silly girl!"__

"Mmm.... Come on, get dressed, put this on! I had to leave Persephone – hurry up!"

"Hurry up for what?" he teased.

"You're coming back with me!"

"Oh, I don't _think_ so…what about your precious Muggle tradition?"

"You can come back here in the morning, no-one will ever know! Now _come on_!"

Laughing smugly he pulled on his voluminous black robes and gathered them around himself with one hand, while the other held mine as I dragged him towards the fireplace.

When we got back we paused just long enough to check that Persephone was still sleeping soundly, even though my absence could only have lasted two or three minutes. Then we fell on each other, attacking with abandon, continuing the passionate, teasing foreplay begun outside the staff room, knowing that it would end in a heady fulfilment for each of us this time, albeit not full congress.

"What do you think of your precious Muggle tradition now?" he growled, pulling me after him on to the fur rug before the still-glowing fire in our bedroom. Wrapping my arms around his neck I answered him by searching out his full, sensual lips, removing the self-satisfaction from his face by plunging my tongue into the wet, warm cavern of his mouth, turning his chuckle into a groan of pleasure and lust. "Ella…" he whispered against my mouth, long fingers searching out my nipples, brushing, stroking, tugging until I was half mad with want of him. He began to shrug one arm out of his robes, but I ached to be enveloped in him and besides, the soft silky fabric was pouring over my naked flesh enticingly.

"No! Keep it on!" I urged. He stopped his passionate ministrations long enough to draw back and look at me in mild surprise, but then he began to smirk wolfishly once more and bent his head to my neck, sucking on the soft skin below my ear until I squirmed under him, the tingling in my neck sending unbearable sensations to the small of my back. My hands roamed across his back and the fabric of his robe bunched under them. I slid them underneath and stroked, his muscles rippling under my caresses as he shivered with desire. His chest was pressed against mine now, and my nipples rubbed his soft skin. I could feel his turgidity as it brushed my thigh through his robe, and I grasped the folds of fabric, pushing them out of the way so that I could reach down to him and take him in my hand. He groaned as my fingertips brushed his head and as they enclosed it and I stroked the slick tip with my thumb, he threw back his head and hissed,

"Stop, I can't stand it!" With lightning fluidity he took my waist in his hands and lay on the rug, pulling me on to him so that I covered him, from head almost to toe. The dying embers of the fire gave off the softest of golden glows, limning his face in a delicate tracery of orange and red, accentuating the hollows of his cheeks and the line between his brows, darkening his coal-black eyes.

"Really, you ought to be used to this by now!" I mocked, reaching down between his thighs and lightly scratching the underside of him, granite in a velvet sheath.

"Ahh!" he moaned. "No more, it's too – ahh! – too much!"

I sniggered gleefully, and he put his hands around my waist once more.

"Let's see how _you_ like it!" he muttered, flipping us over so that he assumed the dominant position. "I've been without you for too long, Ella, and while I know that it has to be, and that the reason for it is fast asleep in her cot, nevertheless I see no reason why I should let you get away with making it so hard for me!"

"I thought that was the whole point, love?" I said innocently, taking his hand and placing it on my breast. He closed his eyes and his frown line deepened as he tried to control his lust. "Cover me, Severus. Overwhelm me. Envelop me. _Enslave_ me!"

"Oh, love!"

Taking his weight on one bended arm, he pulled his robe over us both and I felt the silky smooth material drape and slide itself across my bare skin as his hand fluttered down over my breast, along my waist and down over my right hip, then further, until the palm of his hand was circling over my thigh and delicately brushing my mound. I lifted my leg and wound it around his waist, trying to pull him closer to me. As I looked up into his face, grimly set in concentration and half in deep shadow, it was cast into sudden sharp relief by a brightly silver flash of lightning that illuminated the whole room. We both started in surprise, and an instant later the rain was pounding against the windowpane so hard that it drowned out the rushing in my ears caused by our shared passion.

Struck by a sudden and strange desire, I said,

"Let's open the window!"

"What?"

"Alohomora!"

"Ella! We'll get wet, the rain's pouring in!"

"I know! Now stand up."

Severus got to his feet uncertainly, and held out his hand to me. I led him over to the window and knelt in front of him, cold raindrops speckling my back and making Severus arch his back as they spattered over his chest and his thighs. His tumescence jutted upwards enticingly and I took his involuntary action as an invitation, closing my lips over him and taking him in as far as I could. He gasped and put his hands on my shoulders, gripping me tightly. I could feel his thighs tremble as I snaked my arms around his waist and under his robes, and I left off just long enough to breathe,

"Envelop me, Severus!" before embracing him fully once more. He took his robes and wrapped them around us both, covering me in a swathe of blackness, musky, manly darkness, sandalwood mixed with the scent of his classroom, cauldrons, sulphur, safety, Severus. He was inside me and all around me, and I adored him and paid him homage, and he sheltered me from the storm. At its height as he reached his own climax, the tempest drowned out his cries and he shuddered and arched against me as the lightning penetrated even the blackness of his robes and I could see the pale flesh of his abdomen with the crop of black hair underneath. When I was certain he was spent, when he bent over to bury his face in my hair, I released him, and he sank to his knees before me, gathering me into his embrace once more. We knelt together, wrapped around one another, and the rain lashed against our hair, covering it in tiny pearled droplets. Once his ragged breathing had calmed, he withdrew the warmth of his robe from me and murmured,

"Accio rug!"

The white fur rug was under the window now, and he lay me down on it gently before swooping down to gather a breast in his hand, laving it with his warm, wet tongue. The rain soaked me quickly, and the contrast between his heat and its cold left me gasping for breath. His wet skin slipped against mine now, more elemental even than the raging storm outside, and I lost myself in him, swam in him, floated out on the tide of his lust. He tormented me with his slowness, his thoroughness, searching every inch of my body with his questing tongue and insistent fingers, until I felt so open to him, so abandoned, that I could scarcely bear the bliss, and I screamed out his name over and over until my orgasm slammed through me. Afterwards he rested his head on my chest and with lazy flicks of his fingers murmured charms that closed the casement and dried both of us and the now bedraggled rug. Wrapped up in the warmth of both his robe and his embrace, I felt utterly safe, satiated, warm and small, and he covered my hair with tiny kisses until the thunder stopped. 

An hour later, in bed at last, I was listening to his breathing as it steadied into the regular, deep rhythm of contented sleep, brushing tousled hair from his face, gazing at the way his long black lashes cast shadows on his cheeks. His arm was draped across my belly, bent at the elbow so that his hand could cup my breast, and his long fingers squeezed it reflexively as he slept, making the corners of his mouth curl periodically with satisfaction. 

"Mmm," I thought as I drifted into a much-needed slumber with my lover in my arms, where he belonged. "Tomorrow night I am going to make you _so_ glad you're a breast man…"

                  ********************************************************

And now, it was finally our wedding day. With a tender kiss, Severus murmured to me,

"Time for me to go, then. I'll see you at the lakeside. Don't be late!"

"It's Muggle tradition for the bride to be late!" I teased, kissing him playfully on the nose.

"Tradition be damned! You were keen enough to dispense with it last night! Just _be there_!"

He pulled on his robes, leaned over to give me one last breathtaking kiss, and then disappeared into the fireplace in a blinding green flash. I stretched and got out of bed, and then, for once, I rejoiced in my solitude, singing in the shower and dancing around the bedroom wrapped in a towel as I dried myself. I insisted Persephone join in with me after a while, and when I heard a businesslike rap on the door we shimmied across the bedroom to answer it. 

It was Madam Pomfrey, come to collect Persephone, as she was to care for her for the day. After examining me and pronouncing me fit to resume a full physical relationship with Severus, she left me to put on my robe and feed Persephone while she busied herself in the nursery, gathering together all the equipment she would need for the day. At last, all three of us were ready.

"Are you sure you'll manage?" I asked anxiously, cuddling Persephone close to me, not wanting to relinquish her to someone else's care.

"I'll try my very best!" she said dryly, holding out her arms for her. "And you'll see her in less than two hours!"

"Less than two hours!" I repeated, my mind reeling as I began to smile widely. "Less than two hours, and I'll be _marrying_ him!"

She laughed as I handed our baby to her.

"I never thought I'd see the day!" she marvelled. "Such a wonderful day!"

Restless after Madam Pomfrey had gone, I paced the room waiting for Hermione to come. Eventually I took out the emerald and sat cross legged in one of the window seats to see what Severus was doing, chuckling to myself as I saw that he was in the shower.

"Oh, well done Ella, perfect timing!" I murmured appreciatively as I watched.

Pouring shampoo on to his hair from a small crystal bottle, he raised his both his arms and tipped back his head as he rubbed the soapy liquid into his scalp. Jets of water pulsated against his body and I watched soapy water from his hair run in rivulets between his shoulder blades, down his back and between his taut buttocks. I sighed as he reached for the soap and a sponge, lifting first one arm and then the other, soaping himself thoroughly until the black hairs on his chest and under his arms were plastered to his skin. And I bit my bottom lip gently as I watched him clean his more intimate areas with a thoroughness that made me wonder, and not for the first time, whether he was performing for me, knowing I was there. Watching him dreamily, and deciding that I really should get the pensieve out again, in which I had first watched him shower, I was startled from my reverie by another loud knock at the door, and I shouted,

"Er - come in!"

It was Hermione, and I crossed over to greet her still clutching the pendant in my hand.

"Good morning!" she beamed, hugging me warmly then, nodding at the emerald which I dropped hurriedly to my breast, said accusingly,

"And what have you been doing? You aren't supposed to see him until the ceremony!"

"Oh, the temptation was too strong! And anyway," I smiled slyly, "he was in the shower!"

"Too much information!" she said firmly, holding her hand up as if to stop me speaking, and we burst out laughing.

"Are you nervous?" she asked, her eyes shining with excitement.

"No. No, not in the least!"

"No second thoughts?"

"Not a one!" I sighed happily.

"Good, let's get started then!"

Hermione went first. She looked so beautiful in her red and gold Grecian gown, and by the time I had charmed her unruly curls into a long, glossy ringlet, which started high on her head and coiled down between her bare shoulder blades, my heart swelled with pride and I don't think I could have felt more affection for my friend if she had been my own sister. The glow on her cheeks made any magical enhancement to her complexion unnecessary, and after we had both satisfied ourselves as to her appearance, she turned her attention to me.

My gown was now a perfect fit, and fell in soft iridescent folds across my hips and to the floor, making a shimmering train behind me as I walked. Hermione stared at me as I smoothed out the folds with my hand and said,

"Oh, Ella, it's absolutely unbelievable! And you look amazing! Come on, let's use kohl on your eyes and paint your lips that colour you said he likes…"

Hitherto I had not felt nervous in the least, but suddenly I was nearly ready, and Hermione had been using various charms to give me a head full of glossy corkscrew curls. As she busied herself walking around me while I stood patiently in the middle of the room, dotting jewels and gypsophila flowers in my hair, a vague feeling of apprehensiveness overtook me. It began as a gnawing sensation in my stomach and as she fussed around me I began to feel very sick. My stomach started to do somersaults, and beads of sweat broke out on my brow and shined my chest.

"Ella, are you okay? You've gone deathly pale!"

"I need to sit down. Oh, I feel sick!"

"Here, come on, sit down here. Head between your knees."

"I feel sick!"

"Do it, Ella! Now, deep breaths. That's it. Better?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"I'll get you a glass of water from the bathroom, hold on."

Hermione was soon back with the water and I sipped it gratefully.

"Look what else I found," she smiled, taking her hand from behind her back and producing a small crystal vial sealed with a rubber stopper.

"What's that?"

"I found it on the sink, next to the tooth mug. Look, the label's blank."

"Wait a minute, where's my wand?"

Hermione fetched it for me, and I tapped the label, saying

"Revelato!"

Words appeared, written in a familiar elegant copperplate hand.

"Ella, I prepared this in case you had an attack of nerves. It will simply cure the sickness, nothing more."

"What do you think he means by that?" Hermione puzzled. "He doesn't think you might still worry about him poisoning you, does he?"

"No, of course not!" I laughed. "He's probably trying to be funny. Or maybe he has the pre-wedding jitters, too!"

The writing disappeared, to be replaced by

"And why was Hermione in our bathroom?"

I laughed delightedly as that writing too vanished and was followed by,

"_Hurry to me_."

A thrill of excitement rushed through me, and I gulped back the contents of the potion joyfully, despite its bitter aftertaste. Soon I felt a warm glow spread outwards from my stomach, soothing my nausea little by little until it had passed completely. Then, I removed my engagement ring and transferred it to my other hand.

"Ready now?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, yes!" I nodded. "More than ready!"

Hermione took from her bag a shimmering white satin cloak, hemmed and edged with enchanted gypsophila, which sparkled as if they were made of crystal.

"This is to wear until we're on the boat. So that no one still left around the castle sees you until he does. You'll make more of an impact!"

"Oh, Hermione, it's lovely! Thanks!"

I fastened the cloak around my neck and Hermione lifted the hood to cover my hair. I left our rooms without a backward glance, and set off with Hermione along the deserted corridors to embrace my destiny.


	53. I've Found Me The Sanctuary Of My Heart

Chapter 55 

**_I've Found Me The Sanctuary Of My Heart_**

How can you be like a sky stretched out before me  
And the world is turning your way  
Even darkness is better this way  
  
Can it be true that it all comes rushing from you  
When my resistance is gone and there's nothing that I can lean on  
  
You are the wind at my back, you give what I lack  
You're the jewel in my hand, you're like rain on dry land  
  
You're the focus the beam, you're reality's dream  
You're the blue in my black, you're the wind at my back  
  
All of the above, I'II have the lot for my love  
And as we're becoming somehow, as we're changing the future to now  
  
I just want to live in the place that you have to give  
I'll let the heat beat me down until the water comes down  
  
You are the wind at my back, you give what I lack  
You're the jewel in my hand, you're like rain on dry land  
  
You're the focus the beam, you're reality's dream  
You're the blue in my black, you're the wind at my back  
  
You are the wind at my back, you give what I lack  
You're the jewel in my hand, you're like rain on dry land  
  
And my soul has been kissed just because you exist  
You're the dream that's a fact, you're the wind at my back

You're the wish that I make, you're the prize I might take  
You're the gold that is free, you're the groom on one knee  
  
You're the flow that I feel, the illusion so real  
You're the ocean the tide, you're the door open wide  
  
And my soul has been kissed just because you exist  
You're the gold that is free, you're the groom on one knee  
  
You're the wish that I make, you're the prize I might take  
You're the dream that's a fact, you're the wind at my back  
  
And my soul has been kissed just because you exist  
You're the blue in my black, you're the wind at my back

_(Lyrics from "Wind At My Back" by Neal Morse, "Snow", Spock's Beard)___

As Hermione and I hastened along the dark dungeon corridors the castle was completely still and silent save for the clatter of our footsteps as they echoed on the stone floors, and all of the portraits were deserted. We rounded a corner and came face to face with the Bloody Baron, who blocked our way with an ostentatious bow.

"Well met, Milady!" he said, wiggling bushy black eyebrows at us in what I hoped was a friendly manner.

"Good morning, Baron," I said cautiously, unused to hearing anything other than blood-curdling screams come out of his mouth. 

"Please give our esteemed Professor Snape my best wishes. I have missed his company in recent months, in the corridors at night...I understand he has _other_ nocturnal occupations nowadays?"

"Indeed," I answered, edging past him nervously with Hermione close behind.

"Then I wish you both a fulfilling future," he leered, continuing, "And I have entrapped Peeves in one of Mister Filch's store cupboards, in the West Wing, for the duration of your celebrations."

"Er…that's very thoughtful, Baron. Thank you."

With a hair-raising cackle, he swept through us both and was gone. Shuddering a little, Hermione said with feeling,

"Ugh! Give me Nearly Headless Nick any day!"

Hermione and I took a different staircase than was my habit to get to ground level. I would normally use the staircase that gave on to the entrance hall, or the one straight into the Great Hall behind the staff table, but today I wanted to be able to walk along one of the corridors that overlooked the lake. I hurried towards one of its long, thin leaded windows and peered out anxiously. I saw the gilded boat, safely moored at the lakeside down to my right, and I looked across quickly to the foothills on the lake's far side where a throng had gathered. A little way apart from them were three figures, standing near to the second small jetty that had been built especially for the day, and immediately I recognised one of them as Severus.

"Oh, he's there, Hermione, he's there!"

"Of course he's there! Now come on, you don't want to keep him waiting, do you?"

The portraits had all been empty on our way through the castle thus far, and now that we had reached the final corridor leading to the Entrance Hall I could see why. Each painting lining our route was now crammed with well-wishers, all chattering excitedly amongst themselves and jostling for position. As I passed there was a clamour of voices, chorusing

"Hello dear!"

"Doesn't she look lovely?"

"Let me see! Move over!"

Sir Cadogan was on horseback as usual, prancing up and down as he tried in vain to prevent onlookers from encroaching in to his territory, while the Fat Lady was blowing her nose loudly on a lace handkerchief, accompanied by her friend Violet who waved tearfully as we passed. We reached the Entrance Hall to find it glowing silvery grey with ghosts who drifted silently apart for us to pass through. Their spokeswoman for the day was my own House's Grey Lady, grievously wronged in love herself, and she murmured wistful good luck wishes as we reached the main doors.

I practically floated the rest of the way to the boat, my heart urging me forward as it sang with joy. Outside the air was warm, but there was a slight breeze and I felt that it must surely have been conjured up to urge me on.

I stepped on to the boat and stood in the middle of it, facing the lake's far side. Hermione sat behind me at the tiller, on opulently cushioned seats, and I spoke out clearly, saying the charm that would enable the boat to begin to move of its own accord. I wished it would hurry, and I gazed at Severus' figure, standing quite alone now on the jetty with a nimbus of soft blue light surrounding him, like a black angel. I drew the flower-trimmed hood from my head and unfastened the clasp around my neck, letting the cloak fall to the floor behind me. I stood in all my splendour, drawing ever closer to him, until I could discern the amazement he felt upon gazing on me, and the wonderment in his eyes.

As the boat progressed across the lake, I could by degrees make out what he was wearing. Black, of course, and since I loved him so my heart rejoiced to see it, but this was a black such as I had never seen him wear before. Black on black, faceted layers and abstract design in stiff silk damask, heavily embellished with silver serpentine buttons on sleeves and trousers as well as from his neck to his knees. A quicksilver-grey shirt, which sparkled when the sun caught it, poked out from his cuffs and collar as if shy to be a departure from his usual white. He was exquisite, and I could barely catch my breath. My first glimpse of him always affected me that way, as if I needed to get used to his overwhelming presence by degrees, like stepping into an icy sea, although his nearness was always anything but icy.  
  


I took in all the details of his dress, but my attention was held by the way the breeze blew his hair from his face like the most gentle of my caresses, and the way his fingers stretched and flexed as if desperate to reach out and hold my hands. But most of all I was transfixed by his face, the set of his sensual lips, his proud nose, the deep line between his eyes accentuated by his habitual frown, and those eyes, inky, endless conduits conveying all that he felt for me across the diminishing expanse of water between us until the almost palpable emotions washed over me, drowning me in need, and want, and love. 

I found myself leaning forward slightly, drawn to him as if a million tiny hooks, embedded in my heart, my soul and more instinctual places, were being reeled in by his resolve, so gently yet inexorably, and I willed the boat on until at last it stopped silently at the jetty.

He took a step towards me and held out his hand. Blue lightning flashed between our fingers as I took it, but I had known to expect it and as I stepped on to the jetty my eyes never left his. He led me to dry land as Remus then approached and offered his hand to Hermione behind us.

The air positively crackled with magic, although whether it was conjured for the ceremony or simply existed between Severus and myself I could not say.

"What, no smile for me, Severus?" I asked softly as he turned to me and took my other hand in his, gazing down at me intently. "Today, of all days?"

"I can't allow myself the luxury of a smile, Ella, today of all days," he said in a low voice meant only for my ears. "If I smile I may never stop and at this precise moment I don't think I could endure the joy."

My heart somersaulting at his words, I gasped out,

"Oh!" and broke out into a radiant smile. He allowed himself a small, quick smile in return and warned,

"_Don't_!"

I was weak with longing for him. He gripped my hands more tightly and lifted them to his lips briefly, surging shock waves through me, then his eyes travelled all over me and he said,

"Come on, you promised to marry me. Though why such a beautiful faerie creature should want to will always be beyond me..."

"Shh! Make me yours!"

He let out a long shuddering breath, closing his eyes briefly, and we turned to walk to where Antrobus Firkin and our guests awaited us.

Aside from mentally noting the air shimmering and sparkling around them, I hardly noticed our guests. I saw Persephone's pushchair immediately, of course, and since Madam Pomfrey was standing beside it with Professor McGonagall, and both were smiling happily, I assumed that our baby was in good hands. Reassured, I turned my attention back to Severus and Doctor Firkin, and squeezed Severus' hand tightly before relinquishing it as the ceremony began.

Doctor Firkin raised his arms and drew an arc of light around us, creating a floral bower of silver and gold. Tapping his wand to his throat he said, 

"Sonorus!" and his words were amplified for all to hear.

"Welcomed guests, we have gathered here today to witness the union of two people whose hearts and souls are entwined as one. They desire to profess to all the world their intention to fly together through the endless sky of life"

I glanced at Severus quickly, nervously, and he looked down at me, a small smile turning his lips at the corners slightly. Doctor Firkin continued,

"The marriage of these two people signifies their willingness to give their lives a new depth and purpose, to share themselves with one another completely, and to let their mutual love and respect spill out until it encompasses and enriches not only themselves but also those fortunate enough to know them. Severus, please take Ella's hands in yours, and both of you heed my words... Above you are the stars, below you are the stones, as time doth pass, remember... like a stone your love should be firm, like a star your love should be constant. Let the powers of the mind and of the intellect guide you in your marriage, let the strength of your wills bind you together, let the power of love and desire make you happy, and the strength of your dedication make you inseparable. Be close, but not too close. Possess one another, yet be understanding. Have patience with one another, for storms will come, but they will pass quickly. Be free in giving affection and warmth. Have no fear and do not let the ways of the unenlightened give you unease, for you will have your love to guide you ever more."

Turning now to face the congregation, he continued,

"It is said that 'True Love' is boundless and immeasurable, overcoming all adversities. The love between Severus and Ella has grown stronger with each assault upon its existence, and I now call upon them both to make their own, private pledges to each other."

Severus' eyes had been locked on to mine with an intensity that made my heart race and my body tremble. Now, as our fingers interlaced, I felt the air crackle around us again as before, and I could hear, as if from far away, Doctor Firkin intoning a solemn incantation. The breeze picked up and blew an ethereal music around us. I was being lifted up, up until my feet were no longer on the ground. Severus and I were hovering almost two feet in the air, cocooned in a globe fashioned from interlaced skeins of silver and gold light, while outside the wind blew blossoms around and around in madly dancing orbits, like confetti. Slowly, the sphere enclosing us darkened and we were surrounded by stars, planets, whole galaxies wheeling and spinning around us. We were quite alone, in the centre of our universe, symbolising our place in it and our importance to each other.

"We're alone now. No-one can hear us," said Severus, lifting my hands to his lips once more. Tremors quaked through me and I knew that if he kissed my lips now I would not be able to speak my vows, since I would never be able to let him go.

"You first!" I smiled nervously.

"Alright," he began, clearing his throat. "Ella - oh, Ella! Er - will _you_ go first?" he asked tremulously.

"Love?"

"Please?"

I took a deep breath and began to speak the words I had recited in my head for days.

"When - when I was growing up, I used to dream of spending my life with a man who was brave and loving, powerful and gentle, strong and romantic. _You_ are that dream, but loving you is far more wonderful than in my wildest imaginings. I dreamed of being in love, but I never dreamed of sharing my soul. I dreamed of sharing my thoughts, but I never dreamed that someone could hear me without words. In my darkest trouble, in my coldest silence, I looked for you and you were there. You are unlike anyone else I've ever known, and you've made me feel more safe and more at peace than I ever thought I could be, despite all the trials that have tested us. You make me _complete_. I'm yours - forever. I love you."
    
    Tears brimmed in Severus' eyes and he let out a small rueful,

"Hah! Oh, I should have gone first after all!"

I squeezed his hands and smiled up at him encouragingly, my tears spilling down my cheeks as he blinked his back.

"My sweet love...I'm standing here - hah! _Floating_ here! - And I still can't believe that I'm worthy of you. I - I wouldn't be the man I am now if not for you. Until you burst into my life, I was only half a man. You made me whole. I thought I was brave, but I found out it takes more courage to open up to another person. I thought I was strong, but you showed me that it takes more strength to let someone see your feelings. And I never knew – " he faltered and took a deep breath, squeezing my hands tightly, " - I never knew how to love, or let myself _be_ loved, until you. You saw into my heart when no one else could. You healed me. You're my redemption. I fell in love with you, Ella, hopelessly, undeniably, and absolutely. I am _yours_, in body, mind, heart and soul, forever. I love you."

Severus drew me to him then and our bodies moulded together as one. As we embraced, the galaxies around us fizzled and popped producing a celestial firework display that we barely even noticed. Tears of joy spilled from our eyes and mingled on our cheeks as our lips met. Delicious shivers coursed through me as we embraced, tiny blue electrical charges that tingled and crackled around us, and the air was filled with static as the tears on our cheeks transfigured into blossoms that whirled around our heads. Severus' feet touched the ground again, and then mine, and we clung together still, locked into our embrace for an eternal moment. There was no one else in the world but we two, and we two were as one. We sensed the globe that enclosed us dissolve into nothing as the music grew louder, and reluctantly our lips parted. We turned our tear stained faces to Antrobus Firkin once more, and the ceremony continued. 

He regarded us both with great solemnity, and began,

"Severus, I do not have the right to bind you to Ella, only you have that right. If it be your wish, say so at this time and place your ring in her hand." 

"It is my wish," Severus replied, his voice steady as he turned back to me and placed the thick band of yellow and white gold in my upturned palm, closing my fingers over it and gazing adoringly into my eyes. 

Firkin turned his attention to me.

"Ella, if it be your wish for Severus to be bound to you, place the ring on his finger."

I opened my hand and took the ring, holding Severus' trembling hand and slowly sliding the ring on to his finger. He gasped softly,

"Hah! Oh, Ella!"

Firkin continued,

"Ella, I do not have the right to bind you to Severus, only you have that right. If it be your wish, say so at this time and place your ring in his hand." 

With more certainty than I had ever felt, I smiled, placing my smaller, matching ring in his hand and closing his fingers over it, feeling nevertheless that the strength of feeling in his gaze was all that was keeping my legs from giving way under me.

"It is my wish." 

"Severus, if it be your wish for Ella to be bound to you, place the ring on her finger." Now Severus opened his hand and took the ring, smiling down at me, his eyes glistening like two overflowing pools of black water. He slipped it on to my finger and I felt so exultant, so joyful, that I laughed out loud and clasped his hands in mine. With some difficulty, we turned our attention back to Doctor Firkin, for the ceremony had yet to reach its conclusion. He intoned,

"Now please repeat together the words that will solemnize your union for all time."

 Severus and I had learned these vows too, and his voice was velvet as he began,

"I, Severus Snape, in the name of the spirit that resides within us all, by the life that courses within my blood and the love that resides within my heart, take thee Ella Redemte to my hand, my heart, and my spirit, to be my chosen one, my beloved, my all, my wife."

Our hands still clasped between us, we circled round one another twice and I then repeated,

"I, Ella Redemte, in the name of the spirit that resides within us all, by the life that courses within my blood and the love that resides within my heart, take thee Severus Snape to my hand, my heart, and my spirit, to be my chosen one, my beloved, my all, my husband."

We paused, drawing strength from one another, then continued in unison as we circled slowly again,

"I promise to desire thee and be desired by thee, to possess thee, and be possessed by thee, without sin or shame, for naught can exist in the purity of my love for thee. I promise to love thee wholly and completely without restraint, in sickness and in health, in plenty and in poverty, in life and beyond, where we shall meet, remember, and love again. I shall not seek to change thee in any way. I shall respect thee and thy ways as I respect myself."

There was a collective murmur of appreciation from our congregation, and then silence once more as Doctor Firkin concluded, 

"Severus, Ella, I now pronounce that you be husband and wife. May your love so endure that its flame remains a guiding light unto you both."

And so, we were married, and Firkin added,

"Please, seal your union with a kiss - but remember, the atmosphere is full of magic at the moment, and sparks may fly!"

"They do anyway," commented Severus as we turned to one another, radiant in our happiness. Severus leant down and held my face in his hands as his mouth covered mine. I was overwhelmed by him, melting into his embrace and resting my hands on his hips before sliding them around his back and leaning into him. This was our first kiss as man and wife, and had a magical intensity that was powerful and symbolic of our future happiness. Pinpricks of electricity burst from my every pore and the gasp of delighted surprise from Severus told me that he felt it too. We were at the centre of a huge rosette of light, flowers of all colours cascading from us in all directions, the epicentre of some huge magical pyrotechnic display. We held each other close, so close, and I wept in elation, shuddering with the intensity of what we had experienced. One of his hands pressed into my back, keeping me fast against him, but his other, under my hair now as it caressed my neck and my jaw, was trembling as much as I was.

We were dimly aware of the applause of our guests all around us, and reluctantly we broke apart, but not too far, as we accepted their congratulations. Madam Pomfrey brought Persephone to us, and as Severus held her and looked down at her, full of love, and then once more at me, I began to smile so widely it hurt. After a final embrace, we returned our baby to Madam Pomfrey and made our way hand in hand back to the jetty where the boat was waiting.

Severus stepped in and held his hand out for me, and when we sat down on the bench seat at the tiller, the boat began slowly to move off, past a long line of our friends at the lakeside. Hermione was the first to shower us with flower petals, and everyone else followed suit so that as we sailed off both the air around us and the water in our wake was filled with roses, freesias, jasmine and the like.
    
    Severus was smiling so broadly that his face was nearly split in two, and I stroked his cheek as I teased,

"So, why aren't you hexing all these petals and burning them to a crisp? I thought you didn't _like_ flowers!"

"Well, I make an exception for these! Just for today!" he laughed jubilantly, bending to capture my lips once more. I sank back into the rich fabric of the cushions and abandoned myself completely to his caresses and the delicious taste of his mouth on mine.

"Ella..." he sighed as he began to trail ardent kisses along my jaw to my ear. "Ella Snape..."

I shivered as his hot breath tickled the soft curls at the nape of my neck.

"Say it again!"

"My _wife_..."

"Oh, Severus!" Overcome, I clutched him to me and clasped his head so that I could nuzzle his ear.

"_Husband_..." I whispered, and he held me so tightly I could barely breathe. When at last he released me I looked into his eyes to find them brimming with tears once more. I kissed them all away, brushing my lips across his long, dark lashes until his eyes were dry.

"I'm sorry. I seem to be getting a lot of dust in my eyes today," he said wryly. "It must be pollen from all those blasted flowers!"

"Dust? Hmm," I smiled, pushing back a lock of black hair from his cheek and winding it round my finger. "Well, it's _nice_ to see so much dust in your eyes. Today, of all days."

"Today, of all days," he echoed longingly, the sunlight reflected off the water dancing now in his eyes.

By the time the boat had taken its slow meandering course across the lake our guests had formed a line from the jetty up the hill to the school, and as we disembarked they began to cheer loudly. As we walked, flowers sprang up after our footfalls, and I laughed to see the uncertain grimace on Severus' face, as if he half expected them to snap at his heels. He ran the gauntlet of everybody's good wishes with me by his side, and I could sense his relief when his ordeal was over and we finally reached Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey. They were waiting for us at the main doors, and Madam Pomfrey handed Persephone to me.

"We wanted you to return to Hogwarts as a family!" announced the Headmaster, beaming at us.

And so we did, taking Persephone first to a small antechamber off the Great Hall so that we could feed her and share a few more quiet moments of intimacy before the wedding breakfast. Severus held me as we sat on a large overstuffed sofa together, with one arm around me while he stroked his daughter's head and back as she suckled from me.

"I'll _never_ tire of watching this," he murmured, gazing at her intently. "She's so single-minded, so - undistractable!"

"She takes after you!" I smiled fondly, watching her deep blue eyes' unfocussed stare as she fed. "And look at her fingers! See how long they are? Just like yours."

I gave her to him as I readjusted my clothing, and crossed over to the mirror above the fire to check my appearance before entering the Great Hall for the feast.

Severus came to join me, holding Persephone in his arms.

"Do I look alright?" I frowned.

He looked at my reflection in the mirror and said laconically,

"You'll do."

"I'll do? I _had_ hoped for a little more enthusiasm," I grumbled, looking down at myself.

"You're bound to me now, I don't need to make an effort any more!" he shrugged, moving his arm to protect himself, laughing evilly as I tried to hit him. Putting his free hand at the back of my neck, he stroked with his thumb and drew me towards him, serious now, saying,

"I meant every word I said today. And you look – amazing. You take my breath away. But don't make me try to explain how I felt when I saw such a vision coming towards me in that boat. It could get a bit - _dusty_ – in here, and we need to show our faces out there soon!"

His lips grazed mine in a tender kiss, and he stared deep into my eyes. I shivered deliciously and asked myself whether I would ever get used to seeing such a look as he always gave me, and decided I never would. Raising an eyebrow and nodding towards the door, he said,

"Shall we?" in a tone that suggested he really didn't want to.

"Time to be sociable!" I replied lightly, and his face fell into a slight frown as we prepared to leave the room.

"Ella, before we go in there…you didn't let Sybill Trelawney loose with the décor, did you?"

"Certainly not!" I retorted, horrific memories of pink bubbles and gilded cherubs rising unbidden from the depths of my memory. "Hermione did it!"

"Oh…you make it sound as if that's an improvement!" he said sardonically as he opened the door.

                                                 *****************************

AUTHOR'S NOTE: 

Well, that was the one you've been waiting for so patiently! I do hope you liked it. Pure fluff, but why not, just this once?

The ceremony is my very own bowdlerisation of a couple of pagan wedding ceremonies I found on the web, months ago. I wish I could find them again, but I have lost the link, and I seem to remember following a very meandering course to even find them in the first place! I particularly liked the exchanging of the rings. The circling while holding hands was my own idea, although since it was supposed to symbolise the cyclic nature of life as well as allude to the ouroboros, I dare say it isn't exactly a totally original concept, LOL!

I cannot stress enough the importance of the song lyric that opens this chapter to the composition of 'Snape In Love'. It's a beautiful love song, although I realise Neal Morse did not mean it as such, and you may notice that it has supplied me with many a chapter title! Give it a listen, it'll uplift you!

Oh, and this chapter's title, appropriately enough, is taken from Don Henley's 'For My Wedding.' You know, the one that begins, 'For my wedding I will dress in black' ;-)

I'm already working on the sequel/prequel/sidel thingy…it's called 'Chasing Darkness Away', and I'll start posting it next month. It's written in the third person, after the wedding night, and has flashbacks form Snape's POV. And then I must keep on with 'Hermione's Diary', which has me stuck at the moment…it isn't easy to get inside the head of a teenaged girl in love with a character for whom the author feels no passion!

Anyway, watch this space.

And please review this chapter! You only get three more chances after this!


	54. The Heat I See In Your Eyes

Chapter 56 

The Heat I See In Your Eyes

****

We entered the Great Hall to thunderous applause and Severus' hand sought out mine, gripping it tightly. He passed Persephone to Madam Pomfrey once more and we took our places at the top table, the Headmaster ceding his chair to me in honour of the occasion. I was suddenly ravenous and beamed happily at Severus, hoping to put him at his ease. Dumbledore clapped his hands, and in an instant the tables were groaning with all manner of delights, and bottle upon bottle of Fizzyternal's Finest champagne.

Once everybody had eaten their fill, the tables were cleared, leaving everyone with champagne. Severus and I had spent the whole meal chatting animatedly, mostly more about his childhood escapades with his brother.

"I'm glad you invited him, Ella. It had been – too long," he admitted. "And…you were right, about needing to appreciate that I have him, despite his many and varied failings! We were talking again earlier, before the ceremony. Before you arrived."

"He was standing on the jetty with you at one point, wasn't he?"

"Yes, with Remus. We – made our peace. Properly, I mean. He might stay on here, for a while. Would that be alright?"

"Of course!" I smiled, bursting with happiness for my husband.

Just then Professor Dumbledore stood, and the room fell silent.

"Welcome, one and all, on this happiest of days!" he twinkled merrily.

"I don't like the tone of his voice!" whispered Severus darkly in my ear. I put my hand on his thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Tradition, Severus, remember? It's something you have to endure!"

"My only consolation is that you're worth it!"

"…And, as you all know, it is traditional to say a few words to the bride and groom on the occasion of their marriage by way of a poem! Hermione, I believe you have something prepared?"

"Of course she does!" muttered Severus under his breath. "She's Hermione bloody Granger, how could she not?"

Smiling, Hermione got to her feet and tapped her wand to her throat, saying 

"Sonorus! Ella, Severus," she began as Severus winced visibly, "I found a poem that suits you both so well…"

" – I don't like the sound of that!" he continued. I kicked him under the table and smiled sweetly.

"…I do hope you like it! It's called Somewhere. Ahem.                     

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours for one lone soul, another lonely soul -  
Each chasing each through all the weary hours, and meeting strangely at one sudden goal;  
Then blend they - like green leaves with golden flowers, into one beautiful and perfect whole -  
And life's long night is ended, and the way lies open onward to eternal day."

I had slipped my hand into Severus' as she spoke, and to my surprise instead of gripping it tightly as if I were a life belt and he a drowning man, he took it in both of his and caressed it gently, turning to me and raising it to his lips as she finished speaking. Then, while the applause for Hermione died down, he stood and tapped his own wand to his throat and said the amplification charm, as I watched open-mouthed.

"Thank you, Hermione. Ella and I appreciate your thoughtfulness, and I'm sure your recitation will be imprinted in our memories in the years to come."

He was using his classroom voice, calm, silky, assertive, but I heard a catch in it as he continued,

"And now I believe _tradition_ dictates that it's my turn, but I rather think Ella would like to say her words first."

He smiled down at me and held out his hand. I placed it in his and rose to my feet, confused.

"What are you doing, Severus? I didn't expect to be saying anything!"

"No, but I know you wanted particularly to say something. I keep coming across it, you leave it lying around. Probably on purpose?" he murmured quizzically into my ear.

A ripple of soft laughter alerted us to the fact that Severus' voice was still carrying clearly to everyone in the room. I blushed furiously, and he touched my throat with the tip of his wand and grinned smugly,

"Sonorus!"

'Er... right," I began sheepishly, looking up into Severus' eyes, which were glittering with amusement at my discomfiture. "Well, I've spent all afternoon making vows, speaking words. And I meant every one of them, and I always will. But - well, I could talk all day about how much you mean to me, Severus, so I wanted to say this as well."

 I took a deep breath and began the poem that had meant so much to my parents,

"I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: 

I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul. 

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom, and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers, and thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

 I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

 I love you simply, without problems or pride: 

I love you in this way because I know no other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you;

So intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close."

My words caught in my throat as he silenced me with a finger on my lips. A tear spilled from my eye as he kissed my hand once more, not letting me take my seat again just yet. He continued in my stead, reciting the words that my father had spoken to my mother many years ago.

"If in the morning when you awake,  
If the sun does not appear, I will be here.  
If in the dark we lose sight of love,  
Hold my hand and have no fear, I will be here.  
I will be here, When you feel like being quiet,  
When you need to speak your mind I will listen.  
Through the winning, losing, and trying we'll be together,  
And I will be here.  
If in the morning when you awake,  
If the future is unclear, I will be here.  
I will be here,"

The cadences of his voice were low and melodic, overwhelming and enveloping me. His eyes were like flames, flickering all over my face, their fire making my blush deepen and burn as he spoke on,

"And you can cry on my shoulder,  
When the mirror tells us we're older.  
I will hold you, to watch you grow in beauty,  
And tell you all the things you are to me.  
We'll be together and I will be here.  
I will be true to the promises I've made,  
To you and to the one who gave you to me.  
_I will be here_."

When he had finished, he took his wand and touched each of our throats in turn, saying 

"Finite Incantatem!" My legs wobbled and I struggled to swallow the painful lump in my throat as I tried to resist the urge to burst into tears.

"You didn't have to do that!" I whispered tremulously as we sat down to more applause.

"Oh, I did!" he smiled smugly. "Because I knew very well the effect it would have on you, my love!"

"And because you love me?" 

"Beyond all measure…" he replied, leaning over to hold my cheek in his hand while his thumb brushed a stray tear from the corner of my eye, before it fell. Then he allowed a fleeting smile to light his eyes as he continued, "And also for the sake of tradition. I know how much _tradition_ means to you!"

"Well, tradition dictates that we open the dancing, doesn't it? But I seem to remember you telling me that you don't dance!"

A painful memory must have flashed across his mind, dating from the previous February, as I saw it for an instant on his face and regretted my thoughtless words. However, he shook it off quickly and simply said,

"In case you hadn't noticed, I'm really making an effort today!"

So, when it was time, we danced. I had never danced like that before. Leading me by the hand to the middle of the Hall, the lights magically dimming as the strains of music swelled, Severus took me in his arms and pulled me close to him. Heat radiated from him, engulfing me, scouring the very breath from my lungs, and the fire in his eyes illuminated my soul until I could almost hear it sing with joy.   
He took my hand and the fire chased itself up my arm and blazed through my body, charring my bones until they would no longer support me, and I fell against him, my head back, helpless, powerless so that he was forced to hold me up as he led me round a very small circuit of the dance floor. His fingers splayed out in the small of my back, stroking gently with his thumb, and pressed me to him, while the other clasped my hand, our fingers interlaced, and his right leg insinuated itself between mine. He began to move slowly, not a tango, I was too incapable for that, and he frowned down into my eyes, even now failing to understand, but nevertheless appreciating, the effect he had on me. He began to move, sinuously, and I followed, melting into him, moulded against him, moving as one with him. I gazed up into his ebony eyes and he raked his gaze all over my face before pinning it into mine amusedly. He appeared to be illuminated from within, and I could see an aura glowing around his head, which, he assured me, was also present on me.

"This feels wonderful!" I breathed, winding the hair at the nape of his neck in my fingers, stroking the soft hollow underneath until I felt goose-bumps under my fingertips and knew the effect I was having on him. "Oh, love!"

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," he replied softly.

"Oh, I am! But I can't wait till we're alone," I smiled dreamily. He raised an eyebrow enquiringly.

"Oh? And why might that be?"

"Because...I have a little surprise for you!"

His other eyebrow joined the first, high on his brow.

"Well?"

"Well... remember I went to see Madam Pomfrey earlier this week?"

"Is anything wrong?"

I smiled and shook my head, pressing my hand at the back of his head, pulling it down to meet mine. Cheek to cheek now, and feeling his hot breath caress my ear while his nose nuzzled into my curls, I whispered,

"We had a long talk, and she's agreed to keep Persephone till morning...and she gave me a very special healing balm..."

I felt his cheek tighten against mine as his mouth drew back into a grin.

"And what colour was it? Blue, perhaps?" he whispered suggestively.

"Oh, so you're familiar with it!"

"How long have you been using it?"

"Five days...she gave me the all-clear this morning..." I murmured, nibbling his earlobe. He shuddered and drew me to him more closely. His hand splayed across the small of my back, and I could feel his reaction to my words as it brushed against my stomach. I sighed, and he muttered,

"I wish you hadn't told me that!"

"Why?"

"Because now I have to resist the urge to throw you across my shoulder and carry you off to my lair, as in the Bloody Baron's day!"

I laughed throatily and he lifted his head, staring deep into my eyes, making my body tingle in a profound, undeniable response to his call.  A soft sigh escaped me, and I could see the trace of a smile on his lips. With one hand I reached up to touch them with my fingertips, and his eyes closed momentarily. I snaked my other hand around his neck, and tangled my fingers in his hair, demanding more of him now. His lips found mine unerringly, and I melted as his tongue and mine performed their own intimate, intricate dance. He pulled away first, even as I reached towards him trying to maintain the contact, and looked down at me mockingly.

"Let's not get too distracted, Ella, there are still more traditions to endure, for decorum's sake!"  
We had continued dancing all this time, and now other couples had taken to the floor as well, so we were no longer alone. Presently, Caius approached us, with Molly Weasley. Both were smiling at us expectantly.

"Caius! Molly!" said Severus, making a supreme effort to appear pleased at the interruption. No-one was fooled, and Caius winked at me. "Molly, I don't believe you've met Ella properly yet?"

Introductions were made, and Severus reluctantly relinquished me to the arms of his younger brother, spinning Mrs Weasley away, holding her determinedly at arms' length. I knew, of course, that it was primarily to avoid possible embarrassment until his mind regained supremacy over his delightfully obliging physical reactions, but I was struck by the long-overdue realisation that I could not remember him ever voluntarily touching anyone, myself and Persephone not included, with a gesture any more intimate than the odd formal handshake. I watched him spin Molly Weasley about the dance floor with a perfunctory, efficient grace, but with none of the sinuous fluidity he showed me. He was allowing this invasion of his physical space for tradition's sake, but I knew he felt uncomfortable with it and I felt sad for the lack of physical closeness he had endured, or rather, encouraged, in the years before I met him.

I felt his sudden absence from my side keenly, but our eyes locked with every circuit of the dance floor, and we both felt the powerful charge of magic between us, jumping across and connecting us for seconds at a time, much to the perturbation of the other couples on the floor who feared an electrical shock were they inadvertently to break the connection. Caius cleared his throat meaningfully and I looked up at him guiltily.

"He isn't going anywhere, you know! And to be frank, it's a relief on my eyes to get you two apart!" he smiled dryly.

"Why?" I asked, puzzled.

"The auras around you both today. The magic's making them blaze so bright, no-one susceptible to them can bear to look at you for very long, not when you decide to dance so very closely together!"

I blushed, but still could barely tear my eyes away from my love.

"Caius, has he always been so – so aloof?"

"Aloof? I should think the last thing he is with you is _aloof_! Any _less_ 'aloof' and it'd be obscene!"

"Caius!" I admonished. "Not with me! You know what I mean. Was he as a child?"

Caius looked across at Severus consideringly, and we watched as he deposited Mrs Weasley at the edge of the dance floor and inclined his head stiffly to Madam Hooch, who was to be his next partner.

"Pretty much," he conceded. "But…no, he got worse after he left school."

I shivered. Voldemort had damaged him more than even he knew, I thought.

"Only, I'm the only person he ever lets touch him," I explained. "Even though so many people here are his friends, he never lets them near him. They never even try!"

"He doesn't exactly give off loving vibes, though, does he?" Caius observed ironically. I looked across the floor and my eyes locked on Severus', and for an instant an audible crackle of lightning connected our bodies once more as his gaze scoured my soul. I smiled faintly, and didn't reply.

After those two dances with Caius, I was required to dance with every unmarried, eligible man in the room, according to ancient custom, though I longed to dance only with Severus and sought him out wherever I could. He, in turn, did the bare minimum expected of him, partnering Hermione and Madam Pince after Madam Hooch, before going to stand at the corner of the dance floor in conversation with Caius and, variously, the Weasleys, Remus and Sirius. It felt strange to dance with Sirius again, when his turn came around, and I told him so, electrifyingly aware of my new husband's watchful frown as we whirled around the Hall.

"Don't worry, Ella," he said comfortingly. "It's not as if you look like you're enjoying this!"

"Oh, Sirius, I'm sorry!" I apologised, flushing. "I just can't help remembering Valentine's Day, that's all!"

"Tell you what, I'll take you back to him before history repeats itself, shall I?" he laughed ruefully.

When we reached the edge of the dance floor, Sirius put my hand into Severus' and gave a small bow. I took a small step forward and was in his arms once more. All at once I felt vibrant, aware of every place his body touched mine, and I smiled at him radiantly as he swept me back on to the floor. His low, melodious voice cut through the music like a rapier through satin.

"Did you enjoy all that?" 

"Dancing with all those eligible men, when the only touch I craved was yours? What do _you_ think?"

"Hmm. It serves you right for being such a tease!" he smirked. "You frustrate me all the time, Ella!"

"Are you complaining?" I asked, pulling away from him.

"Absolutely not!" he growled, pulling me to him once more, even closer than before. "Now, I'm going to make our excuses, say goodnight to our baby, and carry you off to the dungeons!"

"And then?"

His eyes smouldered as he replied,

"And then...we're going to make each other scream..."

I felt a tremor of excitement thrill through me at the desire evident in his voice, mixed with a hefty dose of apprehension as I thought of what I was about to do to Severus. I prayed it would work, else our perfect day would be marred forever in our memories. I began to question my decision, thinking that perhaps Hermione had been wise to urge caution. But oh, if it worked! I had to stick to my resolve and make full use of the particular magical potency of the day. There would never be a more propitious opportunity. The overpowering attraction that had always existed between us was intensified today to an almost unbearable degree and we both felt the magic crackling every time we touched. If I passed up the opportunity, today of all days, then I would forfeit my best chance of giving Severus something he had craved for years. A soul wiped clean of the past. Deliverance from past misdeeds. Redemption.

"What is it? You look troubled."

"Nothing," I replied innocently. "I'm just wondering when your broom's going to make an appearance."

"Ah, so you're hankering after another ride, are you? Well, funnily enough...Caius!"

I turned round, disbelieving, and sure enough Caius was holding out Severus' ebony broom.

"It's traditional, Ella!" he grinned, obviously primed as to my aversion to brooms. I glared at him as Severus strolled over to him and took the broom, a smirk on his face. Turning back to me, he took hold of my forearm in his free hand and whispered suggestively,

"Now don't deny you enjoyed it the last time we rode my broom together."

"I seem to remember you gave me little say in the matter!" I replied. His eyes burned into mine and he said in an undertone,

"And _I_ seem to remember your arousal was so strong that you came several times in quick succession once we had returned to our room!"

"And you think that proves your point, do you?" I asked breathlessly, my heart pounding as the magic crackled brightly all around our heads. He looked down at my lips, then back up to my eyes.

"Yes…" he whispered hypnotically, and I sank against him, opening my mouth to his as he crushed me to him. For a few moments I could no longer rely on my legs to support me.

Drawing apart, we collected ourselves and directed our attention to our baby, who was now at Madam Pomfrey's shoulder. We cuddled and embraced her in turn, planting kisses over her tiny head with its shock of black hair, and then reluctantly gave her back to Madam Pomfrey, who placed her in her pushchair and took her back to the hospital wing for the night. Arm in arm, Severus and I watched them go, frowning anxiously after them.

"Are you alright with this?" he asked, looking down at me as I chewed on my lip. "We can always take her home, keep her with us…"

"No! No, it's fine, really!" I insisted, and although part of my heart had gone with her I would not change my mind. I could not risk her cries interrupting us tonight. "I know she's in good hands, and I gave Madam Pomfrey plenty of my milk for her." I turned to Severus and reached up to cup his face in my hands. He felt so warm and vibrant and I nearly wept with love for him as I continued, "Tonight, I just want to think of you." 

His frown line deepened as he closed his eyes and sighed, and then he covered my hands in his and kissed my wrists.

"And I you."

He turned to Professor Dumbledore.

"Albus, it's time."

The Headmaster smiled and withdrew his wand, saying the amplification charm.

"Honoured guests, please bless the joyful union of Professor and Mrs Snape as they now prepare to begin their new life, bound together for all eternity. May you fly as one body, one mind, one spirit, for ever more!"

The guests repeated the ancient blessing and Severus mounted his broom, holding his arm out to me I perched sideways on the shaft, in front of him, holding it with my left hand while my right grasped his shoulder firmly.

"Ready?"

I took a deep breath and replied,

"Yes. Ready," my words loaded with a meaning of which he was completely oblivious, but of which Professor Dumbledore was not. He was applauding along with all the other guests, and he peered over the top of his spectacles and nodded at me. I managed a small smile in return, and then clung on to Severus as we took off, the cheers from our wedding party ringing in our ears as we sped out through the doors, across the entrance hall and outside into the night, leaving a trail of violet and cerulean blue sparks in our wake.

Sunset had been and gone, and the clear summer sky meant that the night felt chill as we gained height, speeding up as we left the castle and the lawns behind, heading over the Forbidden Forest now, its closely bunched treetops sombre in the light of a half moon. I moved my right arm around his waist and then gingerly released the broom's shaft with my left hand, so that I could embrace him fully and bury my face in his neck. His strong thighs either side of me both comforted and aroused me, and as my breasts rubbed against the heavy damask of his frock coat I knew it was not simply the night chill that had sensitised them so. Despite my dislike of broomstick flight, I could not deny that he was absolutely correct in his knowledge of its powerful effect on me, when shared with him.

"Look at the stars, Ella! They look beautiful tonight," he mused. "They're shining for you," he continued softly, kissing my hair. I smiled and squeezed him more tightly, looking up over his shoulder before sighing and pressing myself to him once more.

"Turn around, love!" he murmured a few moments later. "Look down there!"

We were hovering over a clearing in the depths of the forest in which were standing two unicorns, white with a purity that shone from them so brightly that their outlines were blurred by its glare. I heard a soft whinnying as they looked up at us, hovering high above them, then they shook their manes and one followed the other as they disappeared into the enveloping gloom of the surrounding trees.

"I've never seen a unicorn before!" he gasped in wonderment. "I've known they lived in the forest, but I never thought one would grant _me_ such an honour! And to see two, on a day such as this, is most fortuitous!"

I knew why they had chosen to show themselves, and knew very well the answer to the question I posed him then.

"Do you really think it's a good omen?"

"Assuredly! And far more compelling than one of Trelawney's teacups!" he smiled, as I wound my arms around his neck and we joined in an ardent embrace. He sucked my bottom lip gently as I pulled away, not wanting our kiss to end, and I said,

"Take me home."

The moonlight threw the contours of his pale face into sharp relief, reflecting in his bible black eyes as he studied me, and as he pulled upwards slightly on the shaft of his broom and we began to bank right, I closed my eyes and kissed him once more, clinging to him as the wind tousled my curls and whipped them around our faces.

I felt our descent, and opened my eyes to find that we were hovering over the Mute Swan Fountain in the middle of the Silent Quadrangle.

"So, are you going to put me down?" I asked. Gazing into his eyes, I was slightly perturbed to see a trace of mischief flicker across his face, and I tensed instinctively.

"What? What are you going to do to me now?"

His eyes widened innocently and he laughed,

"Oh, _so_ suspicious! What do you mean? I'm not going to do _anything_!"

"Then let me down!"

"Ah, now, you see, Ella, that would be doing _something_, wouldn't it?"

"We're here now, so put me down!"

"Don't you want to arrive home in style?" I opened my mouth to answer, but he suddenly leaned forward and pointed the broom down, and we began to hurtle towards the Whispering Cloisters. I screamed and gripped the broomstick with one hand and dug the other into his shoulder as we made it between two stone columns with inches to spare.

"Argh! Severus, are you mad? What are you _thinking_?"

"I haven't done this since I was fourteen!" he shouted gleefully as we took a sharp left turn down a wide staircase, shocking several paintings into disapproving wakefulness.

"It's against I don't know _how_ many school rules!" I scolded.

"Well, school's over for the summer, and I'm in a _very_ good mood!" he countered. "And who's going to deduct house points from the head of Slytherin House on his wedding day?"

"How about his _wife_, for one?" I replied through gritted teeth, cringing against Severus as we took a sharp left turn this time and raced to the end of the potions corridor to our door.

Severus, exhilarated, set us both down, and I reached out to put my hand on his arm while I calmed my spinning senses. Unlocking and opening the door, he scooped me up in his arms and gazed down at me intently as he carried me over the threshold in the traditional Muggle fashion, setting me down inside but not letting me go.

"Welcome home, Mrs Snape!" he said a rich, velvety murmur as we kissed all over one another's faces, slowly and seductively. A delicious tingle tickled the base of my spine and spread quickly along it, reaching out to stroke at my nerve endings until my whole body was singing.   

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE;**

Poems;  Somewhere by Sir Edwin Arnold

Sonnet 17 by Pablo Neruda (Translation)

If In The Morning author not known by me, sorry.

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	55. From Impossibility To The Only Way

Chapter 57 

From Impossibility To The Only Way

With a casual sweep of his hand and the word "Lumos!" the lamps flickered into life, bathing parts of the room in warm pools of light while leaving tenebrous its farthest corners.

"Wine?" asked Severus, making his way into one of those corners so that his form was half lost in the darkness. Following, I slipped my arms around his waist, nuzzling the heavy brocaded fabric of his frock coat. Tiny electrical charges prickled my cheek as I rubbed it against his warm, broad back, and I loosened my grip reluctantly in order that he could turn to face me. The lamplight danced in his eyes as he handed me my wine, and after a silent toast we each raised our goblets to our lips. The wine, my favourite Merlot, was full bodied and mellow, sliding smoothly down my throat, and Severus smiled at me as I closed my eyes in appreciation of his choice.

Taking my hand, he led me over to a sofa and sat down, pulling me down next to him. I curled my legs underneath me and sat sideways facing him, studying him closely. Half his face was in shadow, but as he turned to look at me it all came into view and I almost gasped in awe of his beauty. I knew he had never thought of himself as a handsome man, certainly not in the way that Sirius and Caius were handsome, but to me he was the pinnacle of maleness, of power and of passion.  The strength of his commanding nose, and the firm set of his jaw, combined with the sensuality of the curve of his lips and his expressively arching brows, all framed with his gloriously black hair, never failed to take my breath away. Even the lines etched into his face, into pale skin which had long since lost the elasticity of youth, told their own story, and it was one that I was happy to read over and over.

He was still buttoned up all the way to his neck, and I took another sip of wine before setting it down on the table and leaning over him slightly so that I could begin to unfasten the numerous serpentine buttons. He leaned his head back and said softly, amusement in his tone,

"What are you doing?"

"You gave yourself to me today," I reminded him, eliciting a contented sigh from him, "As a gift. And now I'm unwrapping you!" 

He laughed and his chest rose and fell beneath my fingers. 

"You're being uncharacteristically painstaking!" he teased, tracing my cheek with his fingers. "You weren't this patient last Christmas!"

"Well, maybe your way of doing things is rubbing off on me," I replied, halfway down now, glancing up at him as he watched me through half closed eyes, a faint smile playing around his slightly parted lips.

"Having said that, a little help wouldn't go amiss," I continued dryly.

"Ah, but you're doing so well!"

At last his coat was open, and I turned my attention to his shirt, which shone silver like liquid mercury and felt just as smooth as I ran my hands up it, over his chest to his shoulders and back down again. I could feel heat emanating from him and the hairs on my forearms stood on end from the magical static charge between us. I sat up a little, to run my eyes all over him. Now that his frock coat fell open either side of him, I could see his long legs, the black trousers close fitting against his thighs, and I shivered as I remembered the last time they had been wrapped around me in passion, and anticipated the next.

As if reading my thoughts, he sat forward then and reached for me, putting one hand around my neck and one around my waist, pulling me on to his lap. His legs were apart so that I sat in the hollow between them and his right thigh provided a rest for my back. I was deliciously aware of his heavily buttoned trousers against my hip, and he sighed softly when my body shifted closer to his as I snaked my arm around his neck and began to run my fingers through his hair.

He stroked my back with his long fingers, then my waist, up to my shoulder blades, down to the curve of my hips, and at last, just at the point where I could endure no more, the delicious tickle in the small of my back making me squirm uncontrollably, his fingers stroked their way round to the swell of my breast, and my eyes closed as his thumb brushed across my nipple.

"Ella…"

I opened my eyes again as he spoke, feeling his hot breath caress my cheek. His eyes, so full of passion, of fire, of longing, stopped my breath. Slowly he raised his hand to my hair and echoed the action of my hand on his, stroking my curls tenderly before reaching up and removing the golden circlet from my head. He placed it next to his wine and moved his hand back to my hair once more, picking out the jewels and the flowers one at a time. He did it with an unerring sense of where they were, as his eyes never left mine. His fingers made my scalp tingle and I leaned my head into his hand, craving his touch. He was mesmerising me, holding me in his thrall, and a small part of my mind, very small, protested that I had to keep my passion in check, that I should not surrender myself to his will just yet, lest I lose myself completely in him. I quieted that voice, telling myself that the whole night was ahead of us, and I tangled my hands in his long, silky black hair, pulling his head down to mine, moaning as I pressed myself to him.

Blue light sparked from my lips to his, and I felt him smile as they met in a delicate kiss.

"It tickles!" he murmured as the gentle purples and blues illuminated his face and mine, tiny lightning bolts that they were.

"My whole body's on fire, Severus!" I gasped breathlessly as his hands returned to my back and my breasts.

"Mmm, good…" he growled, leaning to his right and moving his leg so that I was soon lying on the settee with his body stretched over me, half covering me. I could feel his weight and the heat radiating from him, and wanted more, always more. I shivered and pulled him closer to me as our kisses deepened. I opened my mouth wider and welcomed him inside, and his restless tongue embraced and explored me with a fervour that consumed me.   
Wrapped around one another now, time seemed to stop. I could kiss him for all eternity and still be left craving more, I thought, as I ran my hand down his back and tugged at his shirt until I had released it from his trousers. Pushing my hand underneath it so that I could stroke his bare flesh, I felt him shudder and shift his weight so that his groin pressed into my thigh. I lifted it as far as I could into him, feeling his arousal straining against his trousers, and he groaned into my mouth. Heat was growing between my legs to an almost unbearable degree, and I wound my right leg around his left, grinding my pelvis into him wantonly, unable to control my responses to his closeness.

His hand travelled down my body, as far down my leg as he could, and he began to pull up the fabric of my dress. I cried out against him as he slid his hand up underneath it, up the back of my thigh until he reached the curve of my buttocks. His long, delicate fingers probed the burning moistness through my briefs, and he sighed appreciatively as he slid them underneath, where they curled round and began to stroke in tiny circles around my desperately sensitive centre.

"Ah, Severus!" I moaned, and bunched up my fists in frustration as he withdrew his hand in order to unfasten his trousers. I helped him to shrug them down a little, blood rushing through my ears, deafening me to all reason, as I grasped his hardness in my hand. It twitched and he grunted,

"Bedroom!" sliding off me on to all fours on the floor. He hung his head, panting, for a moment or two, long locks of black hair obscuring his face. When he lifted it to mine, the need in his eyes and his voice knocked all breath from my lungs.

_"I…love…you!"_

I reached out and stroked his cheek by way of a reply, and, trembling, rose to my feet to lead him through to the bedroom.

We stood at the foot of our bed, and I lifted my hair so that Severus, behind me, could unfasten my dress. Every button unfastened was punctuated by a feather-light kiss at the nape of my neck, sending tiny shockwaves of pleasure through me. As he slid my gown from my shoulders it seemed as if a million thoughts were careening through my mind. Regret, at the symbolic removal of my dress which signified the end of the most important day of my life; passion, incontrovertible evidence of which was flooding from my body and setting all my nerves on edge, screaming for the tall, potent man behind me; fear and concern about the momentous task I was soon to attempt.

I tried to steel my resolve, and make myself equal to my mission, but he was there, behind me, his ardour fanning the flames of my own, as if any help were needed, a physical presence that I could not bear to resist. I turned to face him, and put my hands on his shoulders. I gazed up into his endlessly expressive eyes. They blazed into mine, and he swallowed, saying carefully, as if he could not find the right words,

"Ella…_my wife_…hah! Ella, the residual magic…when we make love, it'll be – "

"I know," I reassured. "It'll be – different."

"Mind-blowing," he agreed faintly. 

I was counting on it.

We helped one another remove the rest of our clothing while blue sparks crackled from our fingers. After several hours of them we no longer found them disconcerting, and indeed I was glad of them, since they provided me with much needed visual reassurance that there was still a good deal of residual magic in the air. I tried at the same time to complete a mental checklist of items that needed to be in place before I began the incantations. 

With a jolt of horror I realised I had no idea where his wand was. Since he was now standing before me, glorious in his nakedness and thereby doing immense damage to my powers of concentration, I panicked and blurted out,

"Where's your wand?"

"Pardon?"

"Where is it?"

He ran his hands up and down over my shoulders and let the palms fall to cover my breasts.

"I think it's out there," he nodded back towards the next room. "On the table. Why?" 

His hands were under my breasts now, holding their weight, kneading them gently so that white droplets pearled on my nipples. Trying not to sink into his arms I stammered,

"I don't - I don't think you should leave it out there - and - and I don't think you locked the door properly!"

He raised an eyebrow, and frowned.

"I think you're right," he mused. "I don't remember locking it. You're making me let down my guard!" he complained, slipping his arms round my neck and then nipping my shoulder gently before letting go of me reluctantly and striding out into the living room. I breathed a sigh of relief and retrieved my own wand from the folds of my wedding gown, which I tossed on to the back of a chair before placing my wand on the bedside cabinet, beside the black lacquered box. Since I never took the emerald off, this had had no purpose in recent months other than to be decorative, but now within it was concealed a shallow bowl containing Gruber's modified healing balm mixed with a Phoenix tear, a square of linen cloth, one of Fawkes' iridescent tail feathers and the vial of unicorn's blood.

I wracked my brains trying frantically to remember the first incantation I had to make after I restrained him, and my mind drew a complete blank. Then Severus walked back into the room and the sight of him jolted the words back into my head.

"Heart speaks to heart!"

"What, love?" Severus asked, resplendent before me once more, running a finger along my cheek. I leaned into his touch, unable and unwilling to do otherwise.

"Nothing," I breathed as he closed the distance between us by putting his hands on my hips and covering my mouth with his. I wound my arms around his neck and was instantly crushed to him, pressing his proud manhood between our two stomachs as we both groaned with pleasure. I pulled back from him and searched his eyes, needing the love and desire that radiated from them to give me courage.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked gently.

"Yes," I answered, running my hands over his shoulders and down his chest as I took a step back from him and climbed on to our bed.

I lay back, with my arms above my head, my breathing shallow. He watched me from the foot of the bed for a moment, then climbed on and crawled his way up until he was lying stretched out over me. His skin burned into mine and the air around us was heavy with the almost palpable weight of residual magic; but his body was heavier still as its weight bore down on mine. I welcomed it, since it made me feel as though I was moulding to his shape, one united melding of flesh, so that if I ever was able to let him go again the shape of his body would be forever imprinted on to mine. I clung to him, my arms around his shoulders and my splayed fingers digging into his back.

I was dizzied by him, the feel of him and the love blazing from his eyes affecting me beyond all reason. My need for him was exquisite in its agony and for one wild moment I was sure I could hear celestial music. His breathing was ragged, and then his mouth was on mine, licking gently then sucking hungrily, his face illuminated by a blue flickering light as lightning passed from his mouth to mine and then back again, while his thigh pressed insistently between my legs.

"Oh, Severus, please!" I begged, desperate for him to invade me so that I could surrender to him. He stopped kissing me and began to move back down the bed until he was between my thighs. He stared between them at my sex, seemingly entranced, blowing cool air on to it and looking up curiously for my reaction, his eyes hooded with desire and flashing fever. I moaned, wanting him to relieve the unbearable ache in my groin, but instead he ran his tongue over his lower lip and then pressed it into my navel, circling it round and round until I began to whimper with need. At last he took pity on me and bent down to me, burying his nose in the dark hairs of my mound while his miraculous tongue began teasing and tasting before finally settling into a fluttering, sucking motion while his gently questing fingers explored my every fold. I entangled my fingers into his dark locks as he tormented me by drawing back and blowing again.

"Ah! Don't stop!" I cried, blue flashes from my mouth exploding like sparkling fireworks before my eyes.

"I want to make it last for you," he murmured, a passionate inferno glittering blue in his black eyes.

"No! No! Do it!"

He laughed, a deep, low laugh filled with passion and power, and my body leapt with joy as he moaned with pleasure at the taste of me and his tongue resumed its maddening, delightful exploration. One of his fingers scraped along my inner wall, over the most secret, most intensely sensitive place in my body, and then it was as if molten lava boiled inside me and when the eruption came I screamed his name, spasms convulsing me, making my head reel and my body tremble uncontrollably. Quickly he moved back up the bed and buried himself inside me, completing my bliss by filling me with himself and clasping me tightly to him, making me scream all the louder as my climax made my muscles clench spasmodically around him. 

This was true magic, I thought in my rapture, never mind the blue crackles of magical energy and the incantations. This surpassed anything I had ever felt before, and it was Severus, my world, my whole life, my beloved, no-one but Severus. Waves of blue light were rolling over us now, starting at our conjoined centres and breaking and crashing over our bodies as they reached our fingertips and toes and dissipated into the air around us, hissing and steaming with power.

He controlled his own passion, keeping himself in check, gritting his teeth as he gazed down at me. I cupped his face in my hands, smoothing his hair back from his face, and kissed him, tasting myself on his cheek and lips and in his mouth. I gripped him tightly with my legs as he began to rock his hips, very gently, and I thought my delirium would never end, but then I realised I would have to take control of the situation. It went against all my animal instincts to do so, since right at that moment all I wanted to do was feel overcome by him, smothered by him, totally subjugated to his will and his alone, to his strength and his need for me. Struggling with myself, I forced myself to put my hands on his shoulders and gasp,

"No! No, not like this!"

Puzzled, he stopped and I pushed his shoulder. Realising what I wanted, he put his arms around me and rolled over, holding me firmly and pulling me on top of him in one fluid, elegant movement without sliding from me. As we completed the manoeuvre he closed his eyes and gasped,

"Ah!" and I felt him twitch unmistakeably inside me.

"Oh, my love..." he groaned, blue fire licking around his lips this time, and I held still until he could regain control of himself. At last he opened his eyes and raised his hands to my breasts, which leaked copiously under his insistent caresses. He gazed at them as if hypnotised and I leaned forward until I was positioned over his face.

"Severus..." I whispered, staring deep into his eyes. Again, so attuned were we that he understood my meaning and a guttural growl issued from his throat as he lifted his head to run his tongue across first one of my aching nipples then the other. I threw back my head with pleasure and encouraged him on. He took one in his mouth then and sucked, hesitantly at first and then, when my milk began to flow he slipped his arms around my waist and began to drink more greedily. I was beside myself with lust. The sensation was incredible, the very idea of what he was doing had always aroused me, even more so since the first time he had done it a few days before, but now I was transported completely by his love, his lust, his eagerness, and I exulted that the first part of my plan had been so easily and so wonderfully achieved. As he took my other nipple in his mouth while caressing my breast with both hands, I began rhythmically to clench and unclench my inner walls, gripping him tightly, and he tensed under me rapturously.

Subjugating my own excitement, which threatened to engulf me once more, I watched his beautiful face until he fell back against the pillow, his mouth open, and his lips white with my milk, and I waited for the moment of his climax.

His eyes locked into mine and I put my palms flat on his chest, lifting myself up before plunging back down on to him. He gripped my hips and cried out my name resoundingly in a flash of azure lightning, arching into me over and over and surrendering to his crisis at last. The expression on his face was of pure, sweet bliss and I was overwhelmed with love for him. Now he was at his most vulnerable and susceptible to my power, and I pressed home my advantage even as his cries still echoed in my ears. 

"Accio wand!" I said firmly, holding out my hand. As soon as I had grasped it I continued, "Corpus in dulce manaculo!" and green velvet cords soon tethered his arms and legs to the posts at each of the four corners of our bed. Contentedly Severus smiled,

"Isn't it a little late for these, love? I need to recoup my strength, you haven't married a young man, you know!" 

I ignored him and instead drew myself up, still straddling him, feeling his quiescent member begin slowly to shrink inside me as his passion subsided, and I repeated,

"Accio wand!" while pointing my own at Severus'. It flew into my left hand and I pointed both at the black lacquered box. The languidly amused expression of Severus' love-drunk face soon faded as he began to realise I was 'up to something', and turned to alarm as the lid of the box flew off violently and landed with a clatter in a corner of the room and the poultice inside the box began to steam.

"Cor ad cor loquitur. Ubi amor, ibi Fata viam invenient!"

Returned now to his senses, Severus frowned, asking,

"The Fates will find a way to what?"

Then, as I felt myself open up to and be filled by the magic all around us, his eyes widened in horrified wonder.

"What are you doing, Ella?"

My scalp had begun to prickle, and I realised my hair was no longer falling over my shoulders and down my back, but was standing on end, and I felt a sudden surge of thrumming blue power that made my whole body burn as I continued,

"Accio aquila! Accio poultice!"

The feather and the soaked cloth flew to me and I used my wand to direct them both in turn on to Severus' exposed forearm. He flinched as the scalding hot linen covered the soft flesh of his arm, and his eyes flicked to mine, to his arm and back again, almost fearfully.

"Relegato labes tenebricosus, magnum malus est!"

"Banish the Dark Mark? What are you doing? It won't work, nothing ever does!"

He pulled at his restraints impatiently, muttering "Finite Incantatem!" and succeeded in counteracting my restraining charm. His first reaction, fortunately, was not to try to remove the poultice from his arm; rather, he tried to take my hand and retrieve his wand.

"Noli me tangere!" I shouted forcefully, tearing my gaze from the steaming poultice and blazing into him. 

My eyes were itchy and burning, and I could tell by the look of terrified awe in his face that there was something in them that he had not seen before. He shrank from me, not daring to move.

"Vinculum unitatis malum bono evincerat!"

I felt weightless, incorporeal, goddesslike in my omnipotence and filled with absolute certainty that my will would prevail. I threw back my head and laughed exultantly, seeing my reflection in the highly polished wood of the tall headboard and realising why my gaze had filled him with such astonishment. My body was glowing from within now, with a delicate blue light, but my eyes were like two bright rays of sapphire sun, their beams radiating from my sockets. I turned their full force on Severus and he screwed shut his eyes reflexively, but reopened them almost immediately, his brow smoothing in dawning comprehension as he began to feel what I felt, and to understand.

"Non est te similis," I told him gently, and a wave of trusting love washed across his features. It was true, no-one was like him. He was everything to me, and I was about to reaffirm it once more.

I pointed both wands at the poultice covering the Dark Mark and I felt all the energy in the room, now in me, channel itself down my arms and into those wands as I began again.

"Purgato animus!"

Severus roared out in agony, his teeth gritted in a rictus of pain while his body bucked underneath me, yet he showed his trust in me and managed to hold his arm still even in his extremity.

"Consanesco animus! Redempto animus! Imperato semper abesse in nomine amor aeternalis!"

With a flick of my wrist I removed the poultice from his arm. It flew across the room and landed beside the lid of the black lacquered box. The phoenix feather fell from Severus' arm on to the bed, a shadow now of its former self, its iridescence transferred on to his forearm, which shimmered for a moment and then paled. 

Paled, until there was nothing there. Nothing. The Dark Mark was gone.

"Post tenebras lux. Omnia vincit amor, et nos cedamus amori."

With my wand I then unstoppered the vial of unicorn's blood and summoned it to pour on to a wondering Severus' arm as I felt the burning of my eyes abate and cool. Goosebumps swept all over my skin in waves as the glow dissipated. My hair fell slowly to my shoulders and I finished in a whisper,

"Esto perpetua." Drained of energy, I hung my head, dropping a wand to either side of me.

There was silence for a long time. When I looked up, Severus was staring at his arm in astonishment. Dumbfounded, he raised his scarcely comprehending eyes to look at me, and I sank forward, falling on to his chest where I could curl into a fervent embrace. Mere words could not express how I felt. It had worked. I had healed him. Our shared love had redeemed him, and now I allowed my tears of relief to soak his chest. 

At last I got up and climbed off him, and we sat side by side and silently on the edge of the bed. I took his left hand, and turned it over so that I could run my fingers along the underside of his forearm. It was smooth, cool and unblemished. It was as if the Dark Mark had never been.

In profile, I could not see his face. Only his nose protruded from the dark locks that obscured it from my view. His shoulders were slumped, as if he had sunk so far inside himself that he could barely sit upright. Anxious now, I clasped his hand in both of mine and squeezed it. His voice, when at last he spoke, was low and hesitant.

"Gruber?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You hadn't to know. The instructions were very clear."

He nodded slowly, and a deep, shuddering sigh wracked his body. That was all the explanation he needed from me for now. Later I would share everything with him, but for the moment he accepted what I said without question.

"The feather…Albus knew about this?"

"I had to tell him. I needed Fawkes. But he knew anyway. He knew long before I did."

"You should speak to him now."

"Are you sure, love?"

"I'd like him to know."

I reached for Severus' chin, tilting his head up slightly so that I could turn his face to me and search his eyes. They were filled with a quiet wonder, and I kissed him tenderly. There were no blue sparks this time. There was no celestial music. It was just we two, now, and his lips tasted sweeter to me than they had ever been.

I was reluctant to leave his side, but I did as he asked and went over to the wardrobe, taking out his dressing gown and fastening it tightly around my waist before scooping a small handful of Floo powder from the jar on the mantelpiece. I threw it into the fire and called out,

"Albus Dumbledore!" as I sat on the edge of the armchair with my hands on my knees. In an instant the Headmaster's head was spinning in the flames and soon he was watching me carefully.

"Ella. Are you both...well?"

"Professor Dumbledore - Albus - I - hah! - I did it! It's gone!"

He smiled beatifically, and I covered my mouth with my hands as I half laughed, half cried.

"You lived up to your name, Ella Redemte. As I knew you would. Both you and Severus have found, ah, redemption. Redemption through love. Indeed. And, ah, how is my dear old friend?"

I turned to look over to Severus, who was still sitting on the edge of the bed, with a sheet wrapped around his waist now. He held his left arm with his right hand, and his thumb rubbed absently over where the mark had been, Once more, his head was bent, his long, dark hair hiding his face.

"He's…withdrawn. But fine. He _will_ be fine. He's in shock, I think."

"He will need you all the more, Ella, these next weeks. There will be much he might now be ready to tell you, about his past."

"And I'm ready to hear it," I vowed. The Headmaster nodded, and said,

"Until tomorrow, then?"

"Yes. Goodnight - Albus. And thanks."

I turned from the fire and sank back into the armchair, watching carefully as Severus stood and shuffled across the room, the sheet trailing out behind him. Gathering it up in his hand, he sat at my feet in the same way that I had so often sat at his, and rested his arm across my knees. I reached out to stroke his hair and asked anxiously,

"You _will_ be fine, won't you?"

"I feel…I feel…_clean_!"

He buried his face in my lap and a long, shuddering sob rose from the depths of him, a sound the like of which I had never heard before, least of all from a man as strong as Severus. It was a low, keening wail that grew steadily in pitch and volume, and it seemed to contain all the grief, all the bitterness and all the rage that had been trapped inside him for so many long years. Emotions that even my love had not been able to expunge, and as his tears fell on to the green satin of his robe they were soaked into the fabric and the heat from my body dried them all away. I leaned over him, held him close and murmured into his hair, stroking his shoulders, rocking him as if he were a child in need of my comfort. And in a way, I supposed that he was. He would not change, and nor would I want him to; but now, at last, he could find peace within himself that came from himself, and was not reliant on the love he would always share with me. 

His catharsis had been a long time coming, and was a long time in its execution, flushing out as it did all those bitter, twisted years and painful memories. I had removed the Dark Mark from his arm, and now together we would both endeavour to remove its poisoned legacy from his soul. At length his sobbing ceased, and he became calmer. I retrieved my wand from the bed, surprised that I still retained sufficient magical strength to perform the Accio charm, even more surprised that it seemed to take merely an instant's thought before there it was in my hand, and I was able to enlarge the armchair and pull him up to sit beside me. We melded together then, curled around each other, unable to get close enough, and we spoke of all that we were and would be to each other, and as the night drew to a close we rejoiced in the dawning of the new day.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Please review! (That little button just down there…)

And don't forget to go to the epilogue, Chapter 58!                     

Latin phrases used as incantations translate as follows;

Cor ad cor loquitur;   Heart speaks to heart.

Ubi amor, ibi Fata viam invenient;   Where there is love, the Fates will find a way.
    
    Relegato labes tenebricosus, magnum malus est;  I banish the dark mark, a great evil

Noli me tangere;    Don't touch me.

Vinculum unitatis malum bono evincerat;   The bond of unity prevails over evil with good.

Non est te similes;  No-one is like you.

Purgato animus;  I purge the soul.

Consanesco animus;  I cleanse the soul.

Redempto animus;  I redeem the soul.

Imperato semper abesse in nomine amor aeternalis;  Be gone in the name of eternal love.

Post tenebras lux;  After the darkness comes light.

Omnia vincit amor, et nos cedamus amori; Love conquers all, and let us yield to it.

Esto perpetua;  Let it be forever.


	56. Epilogue The Wind At My Back

Epilogue 

The Wind At My Back

**__**

**__**

I looked across the few yards to one of the entrances to the Whispering Cloisters, and satisfied myself that all was well. The Mute Swan fountain bubbled silently behind me as I stretched out on the long stone bench in the middle of the Silent Quadrangle. Closing my eyes and basking in the late afternoon sunlight I rocked the pushchair gently with one hand to silence the slumbering baby inside, who was beginning to grizzle.

A bell sounded in the distance, heralding the end of the afternoon's lessons. A frisson of excitement made me shiver despite the warmth of the sun on my back and I smiled contentedly, for I knew that he would join me soon. A small group of Hufflepuff second years clattered out and across the quadrangle, greeting me shyly as they passed on their way from Professor Sprout's greenhouses. The brisk footsteps for which I was listening would come from the other direction. Sure enough, I heard his approach and began to feel his mood, as if it had an independent identity all its own, which reached long fingers out to me and caressed my skin, making me tingle in eagerness to see him again. I hadn't seen him all day, and had missed him, as I always did. 

He had not had a very satisfying afternoon. The emerald had shown me blackly swooping robes and long, pointing fingers, sternly folded arms and deep frown lines each time I had sought him therein. I opened my eyes, and caught my breath as he appeared in the archway leading from the cloisters into the quadrangle; tall, black, brooding, his habitual frown raking around the courtyard until his impatient gaze rested on me.

"Well, where is she?" he asked peremptorily.

"Just over there," I pointed, indicating the archway at the other end of the corridor. He stood with his arms folded and waited silently. A small figure tottered out into the sunlight and finally noticed his forbidding presence, turning to face him. She had a mass of unruly black curls, very fair skin and dark eyes. She was about two and a half feet tall. 

"Seffie!" he called in his fiercest voice, raising one eyebrow and looking down his long nose to her. She began to giggle, an infectious laugh that always warmed my heart, and she shouted,

"Daddy's come!"

As she began to move towards him, breaking into a run, Severus' dour face split into a wide smile and he hunkered down to her height, holding out his arms to her and sweeping her up, twirling her round and round until both were giddy. Laughing breathlessly, he set her down and she ran across the lawn to retrieve the doll she had carelessly discarded earlier.

"What my baby doin'?" she demanded of it as she picked it up by its leg and dropped it unceremoniously head first into her toy pram.

"And what's _mine_ doing?" Severus asked, sauntering over to the pushchair and peering inside.

"Sleeping, mostly," I replied, and he sat down beside me wearily, slipping his arm around my shoulders.

"Another sleepless night for us tonight, then?"

"Oh, the joys of family life!" I smiled, resting my head on his shoulder as he hugged me to him and nuzzled my hair.

"Hmm. There are compensations, at least. So, did you go to see the house?"

"Yes, we went this morning. Hermione came too, and we had lunch at the Three Broomsticks afterwards."

"How very nice for you. And? Will it do?"

"I'm afraid not, love!"

"Oh?" His face darkened in confusion. "I thought it was perfect for us! I thought you'd like it! Did our _dear,_ opinionated friend find fault with it in some way?" he continued acidly, drawing back from me and looking down at me enquiringly. "Funny, I had thought she would be _all too eager_ to shoo us out of our home so that she could turn it into a den for her lupine friend and have some cubs of her own…"

"Oh, Severus, really!" I admonished, laughing. "You know quite well that Hermione has no intention of living in our dungeon!"

"Why? What's wrong with it?"

I rolled my eyes and groaned, burying my face in his shoulder in mock exasperation.

"I've told you, they're taking over Sirius' old suite and knocking through! Anyway, I thought you said Draco was having it?"

"Hmph. It was only an idea. Poppy isn't sure he's ready to live on his own just yet. And besides, I'm not sure I like the idea of _anyone_ else living there."

"Well, we don't _have_ to move at all, if you don't want to!"

"Yes, we do! Our son needs his own room. And I _liked_ that house. I thought you would, too. So, what's wrong with it anyway?" he continued defensively. "Is my taste so Gothic and individual as to be _totally_ unacceptable to your feminine sensibilities?"

"No, not at all! I _loved_ it, and Hermione loved it,...so did Seffie, particularly the garden," I said, nodding over to where our daughter was busily feeding blades of grass to her doll. "But I just didn't think _you'd_ be happy there."

"And why is that, exactly?" he asked archly.

"Because, despite its forbidding exterior, it has roses growing all around the front door, and as you never tire of telling me, you don't like flowers!" I laughed, and he pulled me to him and cupped my face in his hand.

"Oh, very good! Very amusing! You have a very Slytherin sense of humour, you know," he murmured in a low voice, leaning down to breathe softly in my ear, "But I think you forget who I am! I will _not_ be teased in such a cavalier way. I am sorry, Ella, but your behaviour warrants a _very_ comprehensive detention later."

"Oh, yes please, Professor Snape!" I whispered against his insistent, demanding lips as at last they found mine. 

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                                                                THE END

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AUTHOR'S NOTE 

Well, that's it! The end!

I want to thank all of my faithful readers. It's been a long hard slog, but for those of you who had the fortitude to read all 58 chapters, I appreciate your sticking with me for so long! 

And for those of you who went that little bit further and actually reviewed as well, you have my undying gratitude. You are all wonderful. It's so great to open my mailbox and see little tiny review alerts nestling in between all the irritating and intrusive spam mails. I seem to have lost a few of you along the way, but conversely very many of you have come to the story quite recently and stayed up all night reading chapter after chapter, unable to stop and go to bed…I can't tell you how flattering that is. 

Also flattering beyond belief is to be told that reading SIL inspired many of you to write your own fics. You know who you are, and I know how good you are, and I am humbled.

I have been so encouraged by you that I have decided to try to adapt 'Snape In Love' into an original fiction, and try to get someone to actually publish it. I have a vague idea of how, and I really must buckle down and do it. Without your feedback I would never even have tried to write something so long, let alone do something with it.

In the mean time, as I have said before, I'm scribbling away at two companion pieces to this story called 'Chasing Darkness Away' and 'Hermione's Diary'. Watch out for them, I'll start posting again in around a month or so, once I've written a bit more of them, and once everyone has had chance to read 'Order of the Phoenix'!

So, for the last time for this story…please review!

Oh, and here are the sources for the chapter titles from 36 to the end. Just in case you wondered!

36. Build My World Around You - Could It Be Magic - Barry Manilow

37. And After All Is Said, Is Said And Done - Time And Time Again - Mike Rutherford

38. I Need To Be Right By Your Side - Right By Your Side - Eurythmics

39. Lazing on A Sunny Afternoon - Lazing On A Sunny Afternoon - The Kinks

40. Making Each Day Of The Year - Here, There And Everywhere - The Beatles

41. Changing The Future To Now - Wind At My Back - Spock's Beard

42. You Touch Every Place In My Heart – If You're Not The One - Daniel Bedingfield

43. If You Go Away – Ne Me Quitte Pas – Jacques Brel

44. You Don't Know How Many Times I've Wished That I Could Hold You - Cherish - David Cassidy

45. Know My Heart Is By Your Side - If You're Not The One - Daniel Bedingfield

46. Pain And Heaven - Cover My Eyes - Marillion

47. A Child Is Born And Love Is Made Alive - Made Alive - Spock's Beard

48. Now I'm Home Again, Back In My Old Place - Time And Time Again - Mike Rutherford

49. You Ought To Know By Now - Know By Now - Robert Palmer

50. I'll Kiss You Until Heaven Sends You - Heaven Sends You - The Mission

51. I Paid My Last Respects This Morning On An Early Grave – Nickelback

52. There's Someone In My Head, But It's Not Me

53. I Need To Be Behind Your Castle Walls – Carie –Spock's Beard

54. Come Love Me Again - Annie's Song - John Denver

55.I've Found Me The Sanctuary Of My Heart - For My Wedding - Don Henley

56. The Heat I See In Your Eyes – In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel 

57. From Impossibility To The Only Way - Know By Now - Robert Palmer

Epilogue - The Wind At My Back – Wind At My Back – Spock's Beard


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